Intro: Welcome to A Pleasant Solution, Embracing An Organized Life. I'm your host, certified life coach, professional organizer and home life expert, Amelia Pleasant Kennedy and I help folks permanently eliminate clutter in their homes and lives. On this podcast we'll go beyond the basics of home organization to talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. If you're someone with a to-do list, if you're managing a household and if you're caring for others, this podcast is for you. Let's dive in.
Amelia: Welcome to Episode 71, “Inviting Your Partner To Play: A Fair Play Method (Workshop Replay).” Hey y'all, if you're not familiar, every month I offer a public workshop where you can come and learn and connect with me. Today's episode is a replay of our May 2024 workshop where we talk about crafting your message and inviting your partner into the conversation on sharing the chore load and creating a more equitable division of tasks at home. Enjoy.
Amelia: Happy Fair Play Friday everyone! My name is Amelia. If we haven't met, I am a professional organizer, a clutter coach, a Fair Play facilitator, which is what we're all here to chat about today. And in my one-to-one practice, I coach individuals and I facilitate between couples around the Fair Play Method. I talk alot about emotions and clutter with folks as well as offer mindset coaching for professional organizers and entrepreneurs. I'm also the host of a top-rated podcast called A Pleasant Solution, Embracing An Organized Life. So I invite you to check that out. I dip in and out of Fair Play and talk about why a clutter-free mindset is essential to an aligned and sustainable lifestyle. So before we dive in, I just want to mention stay tuned. A colleague and I are thinking about doing a book club around unicorn space and a workshop series.
So I'd love to hear from you if that's something you'd like to participate in and join. So what we're going to do over the next 55 minutes is threefold. We're going to define your personal intention behind why you want to invite your partner to play. We're going to identify their buy-in because there are multiple people in this conversation and we want to look at it from a place of why this is appealing to them so that we can get them on board. We're going to do some work around crafting your invitation, and my goal is to really have a large portion of this conversation to be around your individual topics and questions and concerns.
So I delivered a presentation specifically on communication strategies, a couple of months ago to Target through the Fair Play Method, and it was really about negotiating the chore load. So I want to just preface this entire presentation by saying conversation strategies, listening, negotiating, hearing one another that really is the core of all of this work. And it's about acknowledging that change is difficult for both parties involved in this conversation. So I'm going to share a poll and just invite you to think about and share with the group through voting, what's the primary obstacle you see with inviting your partner to play. So let me launch that, hopefully can everybody see that? Thumbs up. Can you see the poll?
What's the primary obstacle you see with inviting your partner to play? Finding uninterrupted time to talk? Feeling like I have to convince them of why? Thinking that - because I have more time - I should handle more of the tasks? Assuming my partner won't listen or engage? I'm not sure of how to start or where to go next? Thinking it's easier to do it myself than teaching someone else how? We've tried in the past, but we’re back at square one? So the top two were “feeling like I have to convince them of why it matters” and “we've tried in the past, but we are back to square one.”
Totally. I hear you a hundred percent. And the first part of this is really going to be defining your intention and why you want to invite your partner to play. So I'd love for you to grab a piece of paper, open up a notes section on your computer so that you can write down some of your ideas.
So the first thing I want to let you know is it's important to accept that you are only one piece of this puzzle when it comes to the conversation around inviting your partner to play. I feel like it's necessary to make that transparent because a lot of this work feels like we need to convince them to join and that isn't always the case. So we want to set ourselves up by doing our individual pre-work so that when we come to the conversation we're clear on why we think this matters, why it's important and why we really value our partners input in the conversation.
So again, essential components. We've got individual one, we've got individual two. And this idea of working through collective communication, which isn't the topic solely of this call - communication strategies - but knowing that just because you invite your partner to play doesn't mean it's going to happen. And you might have to revisit the topic and take different angles and take different strategies over time. So what do I mean when I say setting yourself up for success by doing your pre-work? I know that this feels a little bit nuts, especially when you are the default individual, the primary parent, the primary household manager. But really we actually will enter into this negotiation best when we know what our own areas of work are.
So, I encourage you to acknowledge what feels unfair and anger that you might be feeling. Fill in your favorite emotion there. Seek therapy if necessary for yourself before inviting your partner to play, coaching if that's relevant. But we want to enter into this conversation from a space of neutrality and openness for it to be the most successful. It creates common ground for negotiations. And that's the point that I want to get across. It's not that I believe that you, yourself, that we need to change dramatically in order to make this happen, but just to know what is next. So we want to see ourselves in control of our choices and our perspectives and understand that our partner's discomfort along the way is going to be part of the process.
So whether you have a piece of paper or an open note, I would love for you to pause for a moment and think about what your true intention is in going into this work of inviting your partner to play. So a lot of this work really shines when we look at our own personal values and stories. And I'm going to bring up a values chart here in a moment. Sometimes this work really shines when we think about it through a lens of being a generational example to others, to the kids in our family and to our community. Some reasons might be to reconnect with your partner on an emotional level for long-term satisfaction, to uplevel in your paid work. Of course, a valid reason for inviting your partner to play, to reclaim your right to be interesting.
So what I mean by that is, again, building on this element of “unicorn space.” We're talking about our personal values and why this work matters to us in the first place. That it's not necessarily always coming from this place of anger or hurt, but really of a forward focused purpose for improving the relationship within our home. So I'm going to share with you, there's this great list of values that is in the Unicorn Space book is just one of those elements where you might be able to engage your partner. So take a look at these values and it says circle your top three and cross out the ones that you could do without. But really I want you to just kind of hone in on purposeful values, vibes, energy, etcetera that you really want within your household, within your partnership because when we talk about our reason why, our intention for inviting our partner to play, these are really important elements of our why and it'll just give you creativity, curiosity and connection and completion or just kind of free values.
So I'm going to bring back up here just this idea of our intention and give you some ideas. These might not be relevant for you, but ultimately what I want you to walk away with is defining and being able to complete this sentence, “My intention for sharing the chore load, the tasks, the care responsibilities in our household is... “My intention for having hard conversations is that I want X, Y or Z…” and I give you a minute to complete that for yourself because I truly believe that what you want matters and there's a way to create a win-win situation where when you are clear with your intention and what you want, we can see it as a valuable contribution that is supportive of our partner and everyone else in the household as well. That it's a win-win for them.
Alright, section two, now we want to kind of flip it and define the reason why your partner would even listen to this conversation or buy into the conversation in the first place. And the takeaway here is that change happens one conversation at a time. And so for those of you that might have had this conversation before, again it's looping back, maybe taking a different perspective, using a different tool, taking a different angle. Because really this work takes time and happens one conversation at a time. Alright, what are some of the benefits? If you guys have read the book, if you've had these conversations before, these are benefits to you. But really again, when we're looking at this topic from our partner's perspective, these might be some of the reasons why we can create buy-in for them.
We have to own those reasons why we're pursuing this work because we can then help our partners see that these are absolutely valuable and valid reasons why we can have these hard conversations and negotiate the chore load. So looking at it from the other person's perspective, dedicated time for discussing logistics versus all of the time. You might have a partner who's like, oh, it just seems like this is all we talk about. Assumptions and judgments. Again, putting yourself in your partner's shoes or the person who is not the default parent or not the default house manager, they may feel like there's always assumptions being made or judgments being made and a benefit to pursuing this work can be that there's less of that.
And our goal is always kind of better listening and recalibrating your perception of what's happening in the situation to see each person's intent. Because oftentimes we think that someone means one thing and they may be making an assumption when their intent is something different. So that's where it goes back to our own work of recalibrating from our default responses that may have built up in the past, our default internal responses to a more neutral playing field and transparency and vulnerability for both parts. When we learn to step into that, it actually creates more connection.
So again, when we talk about the challenges of this work as the person inviting your partner to play, it's just a baseline role to expect resistance and defensiveness. And think about this as a negotiation. My colleague Shawna Samuel did a great podcast on this particular topic and she was talking about how negotiations can just be seen as normal and not necessarily a battle of one person getting more and one person getting less, but just as the pathway to the result that everyone wants.
So resistance and defensiveness to change is a natural human response. And so when we expect it, we're not thrown off about it. Internally, we can just be like, “Oh, I see that I've said something that hasn't landed. Let me give some space and time to let that person absorb it and then check back in.”
Their initial response isn't always the final response. So again, looking at it as a negotiation, as something that you can loop back to. And I want to also pair that with understanding that don't underestimate your ability to influence the outcome of this process and the conversation. So science shows us that we actually underestimate that when we ask someone to do something for us, they're actually more likely to help us to listen, to respond positively than we think that they will. Now, it's not perfect every single time, but I want to just remind you, if you're hesitant to ask or hesitant to imp in the conversation, you actually may have more power and ability to influence the outcome than you think.
Alright, so now let's just get into the “how” of how to invite someone to play because again, we're looking at it from their perspective, not necessarily our own. And one important strategy is just to depersonalize the topic. So it's not about me, it's not about you, it's not about the past and what has happened or what's gone wrong. It's the work that is in the center and that is the common enemy, not our approach to one another. It's just there's this collective set of tasks, caring for children, caring for elders, caring for our home that exists in between us. And that's where the Fair Play cards kind of shine, is that you physically can put the work, the care task in between the two of you and say like, this is what we need to solve the problem.
It's not about us, we've just decided it needs to get done so let's figure out how. I add this in here because I am working with a client right now and I've heard this from several men. We have to be careful not to over educate them about the problem. We're often in this knee deep, waist deep and we're just like, we know all the things that are wrong. “Here are some videos, here are some books, like here, can you just learn about this a little bit more?” And maybe your eyes will be opened. That's not always the best way to invite someone to engage by throwing education at them. Again, that might be the resistance, the defensiveness. Instead, we're going to offer solutions not focusing on the problem. We don't want to say things like,“ Here's the problem we have to solve.” We can take the steps to notice the solutions and focus mostly on those.
It's not about the past, it's about the future and the sharing that explicitly. And in the chat there's a question that says, how do I get to this place when I'm pretty much constantly simmering with rage. And then that situation, it feels very much about the past and the relationship up until this point. And there are facilitators who are trained therapists as well. So I would point you towards them as resources, but it is that necessary individual work to kind of solve and heal for some of those feelings that will make the invitation to play a little bit more smooth and a little easier. So I absolutely hear you and get you and I think that is really real in our awareness as women, as default partners, as default house managers, as default everything.
I want to validate that the rage is real talk and perhaps is something to work on before the invitation to play because as you imagine, that is not going to lead to that common ground of negotiation when the other person picks up on the emotional elements. And if the roles were reversed you also would be not eager to engage if you feel a level of personal attack. And of course we can't control what other people are thinking and feeling, nor should we. We can only solve for our own emotional experience. I add in here to consider the context for your conversation when and where matters and to own your body language and tone. And I say this not to say like, “We are the problem. We need to fix it. We need to do a level of emotional labor or work beforehand.”
That is not what I am implying here. What I am suggesting is just these are some of the elements when we look at communication interactions that might come into play. So just putting them out there for things for you to personally consider as levers that you can tweak to perhaps make the invitation and the conversation happen in a more open and fruitful manner.
So when we talk about identifying what they want, again I'd love for you to pull out your piece of paper or your notes and look at it from their perspective of, “What do they want? Why should they come to this conversation?” When we look at business and marketing and selling, we're always thinking like, hey, what does the customer, the client want? How can I meet them where they are and invite them to see why my solution matters?
Same thing here. People want to know what's in it for them when there's an imbalance of power at play. Because honestly, the privileged partner most likely is not eager to give up some of their privilege, some of their power. And so getting them to engage is looking at it from the place of what they might want, what brings them to the table. So more connection, intimacy or fun. Less back and forth, doubling up, following up on the work, less judgment on their part, less blame and this is all very hard to manage when we are as the default folks feeling hurt. I get that part. And maybe at play is just more trust that they are capable and responsible and maybe their input matters from the perspective of like that's something that they want to be validated and heard, that they are able to do this work as well.
So whatever it might be, I'd love to just pause and encourage you to kind of brainstorm some ideas of what your partner might want. So when we look at this invitation to play, people are motivated by conversations that have three key elements, that has an element of play, that has an element of purpose, that has an element of potential. You're here for this call today because I'd love to think we're going to have some fun, but like really you see the purpose of this topic. You see the potential for change in your particular home life situation. These are the things that bring people to the table. And these are the things that we can lean into when it comes to crafting our invitation.
So what do I mean by this play? When we look at making the invitation to our partner, we can say, I know this is going to be a hard conversation, but we can do it while participating in a fun activity together, while talking through these challenging topics. I feel like there's research on teenagers for example, to say that like your teenager is more likely to open up and connect with you when driving alongside of you in the car. When they're not talking to you face to face, but shoulder to shoulder that they don't have to look directly at you and engage.
And a similar idea is available here. When we're going on a hike, when we're going bowling, when we're throwing axes, when we're at our favorite bar or coffee shop or whatever it might be, if we're doing something fun together, it makes the conversation happen in a more comforting place because we have the ability to put some of our attention to the activity and that fun element while addressing something that is potentially prickly or difficult.
When we talk about purpose, again, back to those values, back to their wants. What is the purpose behind engaging in this whole topic? If you can get clear for that, for your partner, that is not just from your perspective but from theirs, we create a win-win in the dynamic. And again, potentially staying future-focused on what they're making possible through participation. Like what does this say for our partnership and marriage long term? Like we might not break up and so let's focus on that for example or we might not have to go through as much of a rocky patch if we are better with our communication tactics. So I just want to offer a couple fun questions to match each.
When we talk about play, you could ask your partner, “What do you think it's like in my brain every single day?” And see what they say. Because if you're carrying that mental load, if you're the manager of logistics, they most likely have no idea of that invisible work that you're doing. And if there's an element of ADHD coming into play, there might be differing levels of noise. And conversely like, “Tell me what it's like inside of your head. I have no idea.” In terms of purpose let's put a time limit and structure to our conversations about logistics. So we're not talking about it all the time. What makes sense for you? Leaning into that purpose, inviting their input of why we're focusing on this solution.
And then potential, like “What if we stopped making each other the sticking point and made the work, the tasks, the logistics, the enemy? Like what would be possible for our relationship if we leaned into that idea?” Alright, just a couple more slides and then we're going to open it up for conversation. So hopefully you have a general sense of why you want to invite your partner to play and your intention. Hopefully you have a little bit of an element of what they want from this or how they could benefit from participating in this conversation. And now we're going to pull it together to craft an invitation. And I just have a couple of examples that you can borrow or use and again you can add into the chat or we can discuss here in a moment.
Alright, “Because we both want X, Y, and Z, fill in the blank. I've been wondering how we can make that happen. Let's go do an activity and figure it out.” Again, we're leaning into what we both want. We're on the same page. Let's lean into a solution. Let's go have some fun, focus on potential. “I've noticed that we aren't X, Y, and Z, we're not doing this. We're not in line with our mission, our values, spending as much time together, feeling as connected. I'd love to hear your thoughts and input. Let's go do an activity and figure it out.” Again, inviting their perspective is helpful and it's hard to get that.
And here's the last one. “I've noticed, I've been feeling, fill in your emotion. I'd love to share this with you. I have a few solutions that would benefit us both.” And then you're going to offer your intention. This is why this matters to me. I would love to kind of put this all together now and talk about it, engage, get some feedback, hear your thoughts. And sorry for the folks who are watching the replay that you couldn't attend live to this portion of the conversation because this is really what we're here for. Alright, y'all have a great day.
Outro: If you're new to the Fair Play Method and want to learn more, head to the show notes to grab your own set of printable cards and activity guide. Be sure to send me a DM on Instagram at A Pleasant Solution with your questions.
