Build Your Bravery with Nicole Trick Steinbach

In this episode, we sit down with Nicole Trick Steinbach, a former tech leader turned International Bravery Coach, who shares her inspiring journey from corporate success to personal fulfillment. Nicole discusses the pivotal moments that led her to embrace bravery, the importance of clarity and momentum, and how she holds herself accountable. Listen in as Nicole reveals how she navigated career changes, overcame personal challenges, and now empowers others to live bravely with her framework of clarity, momentum, and accountability. This episode is a must-listen for anyone looking to make bold, meaningful changes in their lives.

About Nicole:
Nicole Trick Steinbach is the Founder of Trick Steinbach LLC, the host of the Build Your Brave Career, and an International Bravery Coach. She helps women build their bravery and shows them how to stress and work less. After spending nearly 20 years working in tech, Nicole had become a Global Senior Director. She spent 13 years living in Germany, traveling the world, and leading global teams across all functional areas in over 25 different countries. In 2008, even with all of her success, Nicole realized that she
felt exhausted, unhappy, and alone. Through coaching, Nicole discovered how her relentless pursuit of an ever-changing definition of “success” was pushing away
her support network, deflating her confidence, and driving her to burnout. Over the next ten years, Nicole was able to build her own unique, gorgeous, wonderfully fulfilling life, full of connection and appreciation, rest and joy, safety and wealth. The key was realizing that bravery is a skill that she could intentionally develop and practice. Now she teaches women all over the world to build their own brave. Nicole’s framework of clarity, momentum, and accountability helps her clients set goals and establish the mindset they need to sustain their success. Nicole coaches women to view all of their successes, mistakes, and even failures as equal stepping stones to building their brave life and career. When Nicole isn’t serving her clients you can find her reading a new book, enjoying the outdoors with her two kiddos, and learning with others on her own podcast.

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Transcript

 It's Kristina with the She's Brave Podcast. Today my guest is Nicole Trick Steinbach. She's the Founder of Trick Steinbach LLC, the host of the Build Your Brave Career, and an International Bravery Coach. Hey there, Nicole, how are you?

I'm feeling very brave right now to be on this podcast. I'm following Kristina Bryant from Black Girls Who Code. Yeah. And, also Heidi Sack from Third Love, like a few people where I really look at as role models of bravery leaders in the tech industry. So, I am just living my brave right now.

You really are. You go girl, you are part of that team. You're a bravery coach. You and I are so much alike. You help women build their bravery and show them how to stress and work less. I love this about you.

You spent 20 years working in tech. You became a global senior director. You spent 13 years living in Germany, traveling the world, leading global teams. You've had an interesting life. You married a guy from Germany, had a couple of kids and eventually came back to the U.S. and really found yourself at a crossroads. Things have changed politically here in America and your company really did a lot of changes in its strategic direction. You found yourself in a place in your life where you just didn't feel aligned with your work. Now you add this solid, multi six figure job. A lot of people would have just said. What am I complaining about? I've got it made, I've got a great job and why would I want to leave that? You actually asked to be put on the layoff list. Yes. Tell us more about that.

A couple of things, number one, the entire process took about two years from the time when I was like, eh. Does this fit into, wow, I'm an entrepreneur. So the first thing is like change and building the skill of bravery takes time. So that's just the first thing that I really want to root us in.

And the second thing is I did indeed say, what am I whining about? I grew up really poor. We were on welfare. We struggled for heat and opportunity. And here I am. Flying around the world, getting paid tech money, doing things that I'm really good at and with people I enjoy. And I'm whinging, what is going on? What is going on? Yeah. And very few people around me, the family who loves me so much, right? The friends who have seen me blossom and even a lot of my mentors and sponsors were like, girl, everybody feels that way.

It'll go away. Really? Yeah. That's fascinating. I had very few people who were like, you should lean into that. Figure out what's going on there. I love the fact that you said it took time because I like to honor that too, that, The good things take time. We don't, we live in this instant gratification culture where we think things are going to happen fast. You definitely didn't just up and quit, you gave it a lot of thought and it sounds like a lot of people gave you the advice. Don't quit. Stay girl. Why do you think you were able to go against that common consensus? Cause you're saying that basically that was really the more common consensus was to go out on your own and become an entrepreneur and become a bravery coach.

Such a good question. I generally have the concept that 2% change is transformational. But let's go on to the soul level or the personal experience level.

I was born to a single mom who was struggling a lot, and a very abusive father who left. My parents were struggling so much financially that they actually moved on into Appalachia into a very rural environment. I knew there was better for me. I knew that in my bones from a very young age I was working to get away from things, get away from high control religion that was surrounding me, get away from poverty and struggle. Being scared in your own home. From feeling like I have to hide so much of myself. Get away from my stutter. All of these things.  

When I was about 29, I was living in Germany and in Germany law, they push you into the middle class and then they weld that door shut. There is no way back down. I had a pension. Healthcare. I had friends, I was in this gorgeous therapy with the best therapist I've ever had. I would wax on and on about my feelings and she would say, thank you.  And now what we do, I changed  my life at this moment and I realized I wanted to move towards things. I didn't want to move away anymore from things. I wanted to move towards things.  When it came to here I am, I'm successful. I actually like what I'm doing. I work for a company that has pretty good values,  and I'm unhappy. I can't find myself in it. I'm going to choose me.  And that was the work that began.  Who I am, what I do, how I do it. I can't find myself. Yeah. So that took another nine months to discover. From the point where I was like, I am so miserable. I have a job that everybody else wants. I'm working for one of the best managers I've ever worked for. I'm doing really amazing work in the merger and acquisition space. Getting SOPs and all of these other things. I got an exploration career coach, finally I had this breakthrough conversation and I just want to stress when I share this with you. The breakthrough conversation, dear listener, was the drop in the bucket. It was not the bucket. I had done so much clarification work, which is the first step for me in building the skill of bravery. You got to get clear.

What do you not want? What do you want?  I was on the phone and I said, I just don't know, like what's going on with me. Cause I got another great offer and I'm going to turn it down because yada. And my mentor, Pete, he says to me. Yeah, of course, Nicole, you are the boss. You're in a job you designed. You can't just go and do somebody else's design job. So, I began to explore if I had my own business, what would it be? And I love coaching. I've been coaching as part of my job. I didn't call myself coach, but I was certified and it was all by word of mouth.

I had been doing that and I had been loving it. And I also am a really good consultant at organizational change management. I was like, all right let's see if I can do this. And because I was so senior and I had such a great network, I knew a layoff was coming in four months was supposed to be in four months. It was late 2018. So I got myself on the list. That just cracks me up. I want to get on the layoff list.

By the time I left, it was 2019. Those were really good severance packages. We have to remember what it was like before the pandemic. Those intact, those were great severance packages. And I had been there for 13 years. There was a couple of reorganizations and I kept telling my managers. I want to go. I want to take the money with me. The layoff got delayed, I think two or maybe even three times when it finally happened. I just assumed that my new manager had known because of course, someone like me is getting handed around because I'm on a layoff list. Of course. But nobody told him. So we get on the call and The first thing he says is in German. I am so angry. I cannot believe I'm on this call. They're making me do this. I didn't choose this. I'm like, listen I hear you. I want this. I'm so sorry. Nobody told you like, this has been in the plans for a long time. And finally we got. I got into the process and he's supposed to read this paragraph and get off the phone. And he says I refuse.

He didn't want to lose you because you were like what you said, like a very seasoned, fabulous employee, but yet you were asking for this too. You wanted this big change. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And also just the way that tech does layoffs a lot of the times, it's just gross. And I've been on the other side of doing layoffs. I don't want that level anymore. I'm 43 years old.

August 9th, I formally launched my business and because, and very brave. I claim my expertise because I'm such a great coach. A number of my clients followed me into paid agreements and I sent out a couple of emails to vendors and I said, Hey, I'm coming on the market. I'm looking for opportunities to consult. Anybody want me? And like that, I was snapped up and I walked into a profitable business, which was great. It continued to be like that until 2023, 2023 was  horrible.  And I really had to build my brave again, clarity, right? What is it? What do I want?

Let's unpack that.

What happened in 2023, because it sounds literally you took, had, you walked away from this power career, but everything just fell into your lap. So what happened in 2023?  Oh, a couple of things. 

So, the first one is that there's a lot of scammers on the online business.

Okay. So I've been hiring people for a very long time. From big companies, small businesses, et cetera. And I've had like ineffective people,  but I had never had the experience of someone who made a big promise and didn't follow through. And that really shook me to my core and identified what the therapeutic community calls matriarchal wounds.

It doesn't mean it comes from your mom. It's just a different type of wound manipulation, bait and switch, things like that.  It really rocked me hard. Here I am this incredibly skilled and successful person. And I just got scammed.  That's crazy. That's the next thing is that we had a really sad situation in our family. Ah, woo.  I'm still quite sad about. And so that on top, and then layoffs in tech  have been swift, global, brutal, and have shaken our industry.  And it takes a lot in an industry. Where you're already a minority, right? As a woman, just being as a woman. And then every element of intersectionality that you have, you feel more lonely. , but you're also struggling to be seen and heard and paid well. Wow. You're already overworked. You're already thinking, do I belong? You're already treated a lot of times like you don't belong.

Wow. So interesting. I know that you believe that bravery is the key to career success and a fulfilling life as do I. I believe it's the foundation. And so let's talk about this a little bit more. What is your definition of brave and how does it differ from the one that you were taught?

Oh my goodness. So I was taught  and it's an interesting dichotomy that I've spent a lot of time with coaches, girlfriends, and therapists exploring. On one hand. It's going to battle, being a soldier, fighting, being aggressive, slamming your hand down on the desk. And on the other hand, it's martyrdom, right?

There's this extremely masculine arrr, and then this extremely stereotypical, Catholic, I'm supposed to be a martyr, I put everyone in front of me. And that's so brave.  But, I disagree with both of those extremes. Now, if someone wants to jump out of an airplane and that's their version of brave, I congratulate you. That is fantastic. And if part of yours is going hard in negotiations, I have a client who is a former lawyer and is now working in tech and she gets an absolute rush and bravely, concretely, aggressively going into a hard tech sales negotiation. That's brave for her. But for me, bravery is those quiet moments. When I listen just a little bit longer, even when I feel uncomfortable, bravery is saying, I actually, I have enough money. I like making money. I charge for my expertise for sure, but I have enough money and I want to spend a month with my kids in Germany with my nephews and my niece. With my father in law, who's very sick without any distractions.

That for me is incredibly brave. For me it is as brave as being in a community environment. I am a white woman, just in case I haven't said that already. And I'm at a table and someone begins to make racist comments and I say, no, thank you. I stand up and I walk away. That for me is very brave, right? Brave for me is seeing my children as. Entirely different people and trying to be the parent of value and integrity, but meets them where they are brave for me is saying, I'm not doing your work. I'm doing my job exceptionally well, but I am not doing your job. I'm going to, I'm going to love to quote a mentor of mine, Maggie Chan Jones. I'm going to love you enough to let you enjoy the consequences of your own damn behavior.

I love it. Love it. That for me is brave.

What about you? What is your definition of brave? That I'm dying to ask. So I'm just going to get it. Yeah. The story behind me is really that I had been a caregiver. To my husband who had early onset Alzheimer's and when that chapter closed, I've led many lives. I was a financial advisor. I worked in finance and I've done a lot of different things. And was going to do a podcast on caregiving because I did feel very unsupported in that journey. A lot of that was my own fault. It was just fear of reaching out and just not putting myself off at not asking for help. And so one of the things that I think is incredibly brave is asking for help. Ironically, I really do. Yeah. And that's part of like really successful people, they ask for helpt. They're not afraid to ask for help. They're not afraid to collaborate, collaboration is really important, like not just trying to do everything a hundred percent on your own.

But anyway, the topic felt too heavy for me because I was just, Having to live in my past.  I did reach out to friends and family and say who am I like, who do you see me as who what are my strengths? And the same answer kept coming back to me, which was, you're incredibly brave. But more than anything else, what people were the most impressed about me, Nicole, was that they said, you live your life authentically.

So I've led in some ways, I've led a very unconventional life because I married a man a lot older than me. I've made some very unconventional decisions along the way. And what people are most impressed with me is that I live my life according to my own standards and I don't make my decisions based on what other people think.

And what was Almost shocking to me was how many women in particular are very afraid to, maybe step out, step outside the lines, like maybe do things a little bit differently lead a different life. They're worried. And and so my whole thing is our greatest sense of freedom is being authentic to ourselves.

And if we are not living in alignment with who we truly are, being ourselves authentically, I think people sense it. I think people sense something's off with this person. They're not living in integrity and that's what I love about your story too is that you came back to America. Yeah. Politics change the company change, not to say it's good or bad.

They're just not, it's not about that. It's just about, you were not in alignment with working in that company anymore. And, even with the  many people pushing back saying you're so good at what you do and you're senior, you've got all of this experience. You basically made this really key decision  to live your life according to your own standards.

And I believe that we will not be happy. Unless we live in alignment to who we really are. And sometimes that means doing things that make other people uncomfortable. And sometimes I think that  it makes other people uncomfortable because you're doing the thing. Yes. It makes many people, they don't have the courage to do it yet. Hopefully they'll get there. But that's what really Motivated me to start my podcast. And I, and again, like bravery shows up in all ways and forms and from different angles. And, I've interviewed women that have shown up in completely opposite brave ways,  but they had the courage to  do what they felt was right.

Whether it be Gretchen Witt, who son died of cancer because there and pediatric cancer was so underfunded at the time that she felt a calling and has raised 21 million for pediatric cancer research. How do I get my listener to. Look at their life and say, okay, am I aligned? Am I living it for me? Or am I worried about what the Joneses next door think? Is that so because if you had been worried about what other people thought you would have stayed in that high paying power career. Oh, I, before that I would have stayed in the United States.

I wouldn't have moved to Germany. And before that I would not have studied what I studied. And before that I would not have left the state of Ohio. Wow. Can I share a piece of wisdom that really just fundamentally shifted? It was the right pearl at the right time from the right person.

There's an activist and organizer, Brittany Packnett Cunningham. And I saw her speak and she was getting pushed really hard on a decision. And finally she said, she put her hands together and she bowed her head almost in prayer. And then she said, let me sum it up. If there is ever a bet, I'm going to bet on me. I love that.  And that is the bravest way to build a life, a career, a relationship, a financial structure bet on you. And, I really break it down into three very concrete steps. And inside of them, there's frameworks and all kinds of stuff that is best practice from all kinds of places, right?

But the three steps are the three phases and they all overlap. Clarity. What do you want? What do you not want? And tell people about it. Momentum. Act and feel your way into your clarity  and then accountability.  Accountability in this case is what it actually is. It's not, women have been taught accountability is governance and control.

That is not accountability. Accountability is two of, for, and with oneself.  So you set yourself a goal. For example, I'm in paramenopause and I am trying very hard to have less significant symptoms because boy, are these symptoms significant? And there's different ways to do it, but I've made my choice. I'm going to reduce my symptoms. And so now we're at a part therapeutically with a doctor to try out for six weeks, intermittent fasting. That's my clarity. The momentum is I'm going to feel the discomfort. I'm going to feel the hope. I'm going to feel the commitment and the annoyance, right? Feel and I'm also going to take the actions. I'm going to meal plan. I'm going to get different, right? All the things. Yeah. And then for your audience, like you guys probably are all fabulous at taking action. So we're just going to be like, take the action. And then accountability is. Remind, reminding myself over and over again, who do I want to be?I love that. I want to be present in my life  with less brain fog, less exhaustion, less pain. I have so much pain from paramenopause,  all of these things, right? And so when they, when you build those three together and you allow them to amplify each other versus detract, you become more brave. 

And that's what I love to say over and over again. I feel like I can't say it enough that just by taking a small action, you basically work your courage muscle and then you're able to take one more small action and then it just builds on itself. And that's what I love about your philosophy too. Like you're saying, look, big changes don't necessarily come overnight. And in your case, it took two years to leave this corporation that you didn't just didn't feel like it was aligned. And people were telling you, Oh, it's normal to feel this way. So it took time.

I want to go back to the clarity piece because  I'm sure my listeners out there are saying, okay, I feel you, Nicole, I'm in your position. Like I'm in my career and on my job, it's not feeling aligned anymore. I want to make a change. Let's talk a little bit more about how can we get more clarity about making a change?

The first thing I want to really encourage you, if you are not like, listen, I already know I don't want to work at this place. Or I already know I want a different form of management, or I already know I want a different functional expertise. I want to deepen skills, release skills, build new skills, whatever it is. If you're like, I'm not sure, I just know not this. I just know not this. I want you to start off by building something called a self concept.

What are all the things you believe and you know about yourself?  So I'll give you an example. I believe and know about myself that I can create anything. I already have. I believe and know about myself that I will follow my curiosity. That I love people that I deeply and truly believe human rights for all, means for all. It also means I don't have to have the solution to say that's not okay. I believe that I'm good with money, that money gives me options. I believe, right? And all these things, and believe about yourself. I know that I get overwhelmed and then I avoid. I know that I get very frustrated and then I yell. I know walks make a huge difference for myself. Okay. So everything, you believe about yourself right now, then. You say, who do I want to be in 30 years? And if that's a question where you're like, Ooh, that's too esoteric. I'm not doing that. Okay, fine. I'm here for you. I got lots of ways to do this. I'm three times certified. I've over 10 years of experience. Let's go. It's 30 years in the future and you are being celebrated. Why are you being celebrated? Where are you being celebrated? How many people are there? And who are they? Who are the three people who get to give a speech about you? What do they say?  Wow. And now, you know who you want to become.

So now you've got, and you do this over a week or two weeks. I've had clients who this is such important work, but they've never done it before. They're directors or vice presidents or whatever. And they've just never done this work before. So it takes them a couple of months. That's okay. That's okay.

Yeah. Okay.  And in the end you have generally your self concept, which I know and believe about myself today. Then you have who you want to become and then you have your gap and now you have a long term strategic gap. You are not going to fill that gap this year, my friend. It was 30 years. Remember that 30 years you start today.

Now for my more project management, let's say cognitively strong people, you're going to take what you learned from who you want to become and break it in half. That's 15 years and allow yourself to play. With that, what's15 years? How old are you? If you are a caregiver, how old are the people you're caregiving for? How old are your pets?  How many places have you been on vacation? Like it's really concrete. And then break that into half. Now, you have a plan that you can actually execute upon. That's how you get to clarity. 

That's so beautiful. I've never heard of clarity tools like that, and they're really great.

I just finished teaching my second podcasting class and my students are, I'm so proud of them.  I know that they really play the comparison game a lot and I had to lecture them  about  stopping comparisons because in everything in life we do, we work at our own pace and things happen in their own time. I had been told that I should be doing solo episodes. It just didn't feel right for me. And I just said, Nope. Not going to do them. I did my first, I did my first solo episode a couple of weeks ago. It's going to air in about a month and it's 20 minutes long and it felt good. Will I keep doing it? I don't know, it doesn't matter. Do what feels right to you and then stop that comparison game. 

That's right. Yeah, that's right. And if you're going to compare, compare with Grace.

That's so beautiful. Because I've had situations where people saw me on big stages for my former employer. They saw me on big stages with Grace Hopper, which is the world's largest conference for women and non binary people in tech. They heard me on interesting podcasts. For whatever reason we met or we ended up on a call together, right?  And they have this image of my life that is not my life.  It's a small slice of my life,  right? There are so many tiny details  that  are far more

true,  right? So like I launched my business on October 9th, 2019 from a children's hospital.  My child was hospitalized.  Wow.  I blew through all of my reserves  in 2023 for my business. Now I am fine.  I've got all the financials, right? It's a business. It's separate. Please don't worry about me. If any of my family members are listening to this, I'm fine that doesn't go into social media,  right? I have sat in my car in the last, what is it? It's may as we're recording this in the last three months. And I sobbed so much in my car that a stranger knocked and asked if I needed help. That's the full circle. So when you're comparing, compare with grace.  And remember that when people see your stuff on Instagram or when you're speaking or when you nail it in that meeting,  they also think, holy cow, she is amazing. She can do no wrong. I wish I was like her. I wish I had a partner like her. I wish I had a house like her. I wish I had a butt like her, right? What happens at 2 a.m. in the morning, you're a human just like everyone else. I grew up with them, I think a lot of people grew up treating the janitor or the CEO the same.

That's a lovely phrase. My husband grew up in Germany where everyone cooks with water. I grew up with everyone sits to shit. So anytime you start to compare.  Just remember, when everyone goes to the bathroom, we all sit down because we're all creating shit. Oh, I'm shaking in my boots. That was very brave to share. I'm shaking in my boots. Yeah. No, it's all great stuff and it's real and it's vulnerable and that's what we want. Yeah. 

So we've talked about clarity. Let's go on to your number two. Yes. Momentum. Momentum..

Let's talk about that. So everybody wants to talk about the action side. Y'all know how to take action. You're listening to this podcast. You know how to take action. You know how to build a strategy. You know how to plan what you need to do. Most of the time, 90 percent of the time is feel your feelings.

Did you know that you can only experience a singular feeling for about three minutes max? Most of us are around 70 seconds. But if you don't let yourself feel the excitement, the anticipation, the grief, the joy, this fear, the courage, and you cycle in and out of different feelings, you can feel that for years, maybe decades.

The research is not clear.  Feel your feeling. Wow. I'm feeling really nervous right now. I'm having a vulnerability hangover. Or, wow, I'm so excited about my birthday and I'm going to let myself be excited and not try to tamp it down because I don't want to be disappointed. And then if you're disappointed later, allow the disappointment. I feel this here in my body. I feel that there in that body. That's the thing that triggered me on getting to that body sensation. Here are some things that I believe. No, I can't be excited about this is one that I hear often from my clients. I can't be excited about that because then I might be disappointed.

And the core belief behind that is very frequently I don't deserve it, right? And then you get to over time challenge that core belief, but you challenge that core belief not by doing some gaslighting mindset stuff. I talk about mindset, but not in that way.  You challenge that by feeling the feelings in your body.

So when you can find a balance and it's never like completely imbalanced, it's always like a little bit off some phases you're going to have to feel more and take less action. That's called resting. That's called resting. My friend  and other times you're just going to have to get the things going and get the things done.

I think sometimes the way that I love to describe it to my clients is like a funeral.  You've got lots of feelings and they are a hundred percent valid and you've got 48 hours. Go. And then you're going to feel your feelings. And but that's momentum. It's the feeling and the doing.

And if you're feeling super stressed in this moment right now, if you're feeling overworked, if you're feeling dismissed and disregarded right now, you need to stop doing so much and you need to feel,  I love that answer.  Thank you. I agree. Yeah. Yeah. That's absolutely fantastic.

That's amazing. Now. I want to unpack something that you just said. You were talking about.  Mindset  without gaslighting. Yeah. Mindset without gaslighting. So let's talk a little bit more about that. Gosh, you, I just, I feel such an affinity with you. I'm just saying all the things. Okay. So if we look at it, I think that's being called toxic positivity or something right now.

Positivity. Yeah. It's a thing. I recently shared that I had been scammed and there was someone who was in that group with me who was also treated very poorly. And they recently sent out an email about how that experience they're so grateful for.  And they just believe in that program so much because it transformed everything for them.

And I'm like, Okay,  interesting. I'm open, right? Brave. Lean in a little bit longer than is comfortable. That's part of my brave because I think I have all the, I'm the bossy older sister. I was literally called boss growing up.  So lean in, read a little bit further. And then there were four  mindset  statements that she had been telling herself for over a year and a half.

Everything is only good.  I said, no, that's not true.  That is not true. There are currently three genocides happening in this world that we humans have created right now as we're speaking. That's not good.  There are hungry children in this country, the United States, one of the wealthiest in the world. That's not good. A person took thousands of dollars and then didn't show up and blamed us for it. That's not good. Can you create wisdom and kindness from that experience? Absolutely. That's what I've done. I am so much kinder and more generous with the terms of working with me now significantly more. However, it's not all good, my friend. And so when these things come in, that's like you, you are your thoughts. No you are not. Please learn a little bit about neuroplasticity.  You are not your thoughts, and if anybody is like being super challenged by this right now, I would just really offer to you to please go learn.

Not because you are OCD. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is go learn about the  affliction, the disabled disability that is OCD  and dive into the research there because you are not your thoughts.  You are not your thoughts. Your thoughts help guide and shape and deepen and experience life.  But you are more than some random connections in your brain.

And that's the difference. That's the difference between I choose who I want to be and I build that belief of myself so that I can make those choices in the real world  and everything to my good.  Yeah. No, thank you. Yeah. I'm not a victim that helped me become a better person or I'm not a victim. I created that myself.

No, ma'am.  No, you didn't.  Very good.  I do love, you mentioned the word neuroplasticity and I do love that. It's amazing how much we can rewire our brains and how different of a person we can become. So I think that's an important message that's getting out there these days that we don't have to be stuck in Our past and something that happened to us,  move beyond it.

That's right. And neuroplasticity. The gentleman I moved to Germany with, he's an incredible man.  He is a PhD. He runs a lab in England now after having run one in Columbia.  University, that is his area.

And so I have been reading into neuroscience and neuroplasticity and the actual concrete research around it. You train your mind to focus on specific things, which then guides your actions and your actions train your brain.  Totally agree. So you're not sitting somewhere and doing affirmations and listening to magic angel numbers or whatever these other things are alone.

Yes. Do that. Have some. I have some beautiful crystals.  Nobody's getting my crystals. They're beautiful. That's great. And. You have to take action  in a way that serves you and is honest about your life experience. Yeah. So clarity, number one, momentum, number two, and number three, let's talk a little bit more about accountability.  Yeah. So really important is accountability. Like I said earlier, it is not governance. It is not control. You don't hold anyone but yourself accountable. Full stop. Period. And if you're doing that, I have something free on my website because this is such a passion project of mine.

It's called the accountability triangle. And if you feel that you're doing other people's jobs or you're over producing in your life in some way, maybe you're over volunteering or doing too much for your family or I don't know.  For me, it's for work. That's why it's up there, but you are welcome to get it. It is free. Because I want women to stop pretending they're accountable for other people and other situations because we're not. So that's the first thing. Accountability is choosing who you want to become, making the decisions, asking for the help. These fall underneath momentum. But the accountability piece ensures that you're actually  feeling and doing  towards the clarity.

And these all overlap because sometimes, for example, I have a client right now who really was convinced she wanted to live in England. It was a hundred percent slam dunk. I'm going to live in England. So we did that. We got her promoted. We got her relocated. It all worked out. They've been there for, I think two school seasons and it is a horrible fit.

So she was clear. She took action, felt her feelings. And then she got to the, the accountability piece is always going on, but she got into the piece where it was just holding steady. I am an engineer who lives and works in England. And I then realize, Oh, actually, I can't be the type of human I wish to be, the type of professional I wish to be, the type of parent I wish to be and continue to live here. So, I now need to go back up into clarity, right?  Figure out what I really want? And quite frankly, it came down to, yeah, who's the celebration she wants to have in 25 years. Love it. And she was off track. And so we make the best decisions we can.  We make the best assumptions.

That's clarity to make the best decisions we can based on what we know and who we are. That's momentum. And then we actually experience them. That's accountability.  And sometimes. We have a celebration and then we go for that next level, that next phase, that next version.  And other times we go, Oh I'm going to turn this into wisdom, but this is not good for me.

This is not who I want to be and how I want to be. And it's time for me to make a change. Yeah. I love your story about the woman who moved to England because sometimes we do big things that don't work out and that's okay, too. Yeah.  I think that can also be another issue of pride coming in and saying, Oh, but what are the Jones's next door going to think about the fact that I moved to England and I moved back but, just having to constantly course correct.

That's part of life. That's right. Yeah. Yeah.  Wow. Okay. So I want to ask you, what is up the octopus? What does that mean? Oh, what's up with the octopus?  Yeah. Okay. Behind me is my octopus lady. Yeah. So this was actually part of the overarching story of you How enmeshed I was in the place that I worked for so long and becoming my own person.

I was working with this just beautiful coach a business coach to help people establish their business. And there was this very difficult effort, which was discover your packages, your strategy, your pricing, and set up your tech. That was like one package of work. And everybody was struggling with that so much.

And I was like, done, moved on. I was in corporate for a long time. I ran and I'm good. And then we got to an easy brain break exercise and it was to identify the animal that kind of  was the personality of our business. It took me six weeks. Everyone else was like tiger, panther, squid, penguin, like all of these, they just knew they just felt it and they could describe it. And I was like, what are we attempting to do here? I was like, cat, I don't know. And it really took me a long time. I have no memory of how I landed on the octopus, but I did. 

And what is the octopus? The octopus is fascinating. The octopus has eight legs. It has multiple hearts, multiple brains. The octopus can transform itself in shape, texture, color, and size. I have a lot of brain. I have even more hearts. An octopus, tt's always curious and trying many different directions. Love it. But when it makes a decision, it pulls it all in and it can shoot with extreme velocity into a direction.

What's interesting is that most researchers, even when this is their thing, they can predict the direction the octopus will go in the wild, not in a controlled environment, in the wild, less than 20 percent of the time. And they're the experts. And that's me as well. And then in addition to that, this is really cool at an aquarium.

People stay at the sharks  pretty frequently,  right?  People fly by octopus  very frequently. So it's the exact opposite. People, the average person will stay at the sharks and avoid the octopus. If you're lucky enough to see one in captivity,  but fascinating is the people who choose  to view, to experience the octopus.

They stay longer by far  than any other animal.  And that's true for me too.  For the vast majority of people where I have some sort of connection, we may not talk every year, but we're together.  I just had someone recently I worked with  before my child was born. So 13 or 14 years ago, we've like touched base a little bit here or there.

And they called and they said, Hey, I just found out that I got laid off. One of my family members is dealing with cancer treatments. I really need help. I was like, bet. Let's go introduce them to 10 people on LinkedIn. They're having interest interviews now, and they're moving on because when you are with me, the octopus and the spirit of my business, I'm with you.

You're going to get a lot of curiosity, a lot of exploration so that we can pull everything in and shoot forward to what it actually is. It's also brave to be an octopus because most people find them creepy and gross.  And I bless everyone who feels that way. They are the coolest fricking animal ever.

Did you see that documentary? It was called just something simple, like My Octopus Teacher, and it was about a man who loved to snorkel in South Africa. And he formed a friendship with an octopus. Yeah. It's amazing the lengths that men will go to, white men will go to, to not go to therapy.

Please go to therapy because he was going through a divorce. Yeah. And that's how he basically dealt with his divorce was like hanging out with this sir. I acknowledge that you created beautiful imagery, but the octopus cannot help you feel your trauma.

But, I did watch a good bit of it on mute. I personally have always loved octopuses. It goes back to childhood. I grew up in Canada and I was at an aquarium and at the time they, this would now be considered abuse, but there was a touching pool, where you could touch seeing enemies and you could touch an octopus.

And so I got to pet an octopus. So they've always been, I've always, they're special and near and dear to my heart. They're actually quite soft. Yeah. They're soft to touch. So I was about six years old. Yeah. Yeah. Such incredible envy in this moment.  Thank you for sharing that with me. There are no clear answers like, because, I also have a great passion for whales as did my grandmother who was in Greenpeace and did a lot of work in the seventies until they, they went off the rails and they got violent Greenpeace did but they were, they really stopped the process of whales becoming extinct because they were getting, Killed for their meat and they were going to go extinct.

We still have a ways to go, but the whale populations are pretty healthy there. I've also had a passion for that again. Sometimes I feel like as children, if we are exposed to something, then we feel connected to it. And the whole thing of zoos, people don't like zoos.

I don't like zoos. Animals are locked up. But my thing is, Hey, as a child, when you see an animal and, or you're able to connect with it in some way, you develop empathy for it. And then you actually are like an advocate for it. So interesting.  

We have covered a lot, Nicole. I love your practical solution mind. Way of going about your life. You have these very specific, very practical pieces of advice that like what you said, some of the self help industry out there has gotten extremely ethereal and it's not really serving us so well. This has really been a very refreshing conversation. With that being said, are there any last words that you'd like to share with my audience?

Recently, I don't know if it's like a post COVID lockdown or what's going on. But I've been having a lot of conversations where the question comes down to, do I matter?

Am I good enough?  And I just want every single person who's listening to your podcast to hear  yes. You matter so much and we all have something to contribute to others. We're here for a reason for sure. And you're good enough. You are good enough. Amen. Sister. Yeah. We're all good enough.  Thank you so much, Nicole. This has been such a fun journey with you learning about how to help others to be brave,  there's so much to  your own story and then how you've learned how to help others. It's really incredible. I am so grateful. And thanks for making your podcast. Cause I enjoy it on my dog walk. You and I are hanging out. I love it. Oh, thanks Nicole.