Feel more confident in new social situations

If you have social anxiety, you might avoid entering new social situations. Still, unfortunately, life has a way of throwing a lot of these over the fence at us, so we have to find a way to feel more comfortable with them and more confident in ourselves.

Whether moving to a new city, country or just one street over, you'll find yourself in new social situations that might make you socially anxious. It's not just that you must build your social circle again; you must find a new doctor/dentist/bar to visit, for example. In this episode, we'll talk about the 4 ways to feel more confident in a new social situation, regardless of what that looks like.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction
• 2:33 My story
• 4:27 Layers & feelings of "Newness"
• 9:16 Way #1 to be more confident:
• 11:23 Way #2 to be more confident:
• 13:15 Way #3 to be more confident
• 14:54 Way #4 to be more confident:
• 16:56 Summary

Transcript

In this episode, we're discussing how to feel more confident about new social interactions, no matter the circumstances behind the “newness.” You might find yourself in a new place, surrounded by new people, for several reasons.

For example, if you move to another country, city, or even one street over, you’ll feel the anxiety of a new place and new people. It’s not only the fact that you have to re-acclimate to your surroundings and get to know your neighbors, but you potentially need to find a new dentist, doctor, etc., which can be pretty unnerving if you have social anxiety. You'll face new interactions daily if you have to rebuild your social circle. Some of those will come with a shot of confidence, and some will leave you scrambling for what to say.

A few years ago, I moved to Amsterdam from Florida (where I had lived for 20 years). It is not Amsterdam in New York; Amsterdam in Europe. It was a big, monumental life decision because I wanted to experience life on both continents. It was the most significant item on my bucket list to say I lived in Europe. So you can imagine what a huge culture shock it was and how it unsettled me because not only did I NOT speak the language, but I found myself back in grad school at 31, whereas everyone else in the class was in their early 20s. I felt out of place and knew I had to find my footing.

But we can look at it from another point of view: You’re not making a crazy move like I did and selling everything you possibly own because you’re not going back, but you’re vacationing somewhere else or starting a job at a new company. You’ll find yourself in a new place, with new people, again facing new social interactions. This can all become overwhelming fast if you’re already dealing with low confidence and unsure how to interact with people.

Once the layers start building up, returning to the basics and seeing the road ahead will be difficult.

You must stay on top of your inner narrative to control its direction. You’ll have difficulty steering yourself back if you lose sight of it. The best thing you can do to avoid that is to pay attention to the feelings during new social interactions.

For example, I realized that I made myself small each time I found myself in a situation where everyone else spoke Dutch except me. My body language screamed, “Insecure, insecure, insecure!” I didn’t know where to stand, whether to walk away or pretend I knew what was happening. This often happened during my internship while hanging out with my husband’s family and friends or even going into a store where the employee didn’t speak English well.

Feeling nervous or anxious in new situations is beyond normal, as it’s your body and mind’s way of preparing you for what’s to come. There’s a reason why nervousness is the same as excitement; entertainers can vouch for that as they run into them each time they anticipate an event. These feelings are intertwined because they’re both fueled by the neurotransmitters dopamine and adrenaline.

Ultimately, it’s not about the feeling but your reaction to it. Are you letting your nervousness or your excitement lead the way?

For example, you can either be nervous about meeting your neighbor and procrastinate on knocking on their door, which might make them think you’re unfriendly (potentially), or you can be excited at the prospect of having a close relationship/friendship with someone so close to you (regardless of whether that’s the outcome or not). You can either be worried that your new co-workers won’t like you and think you’re incompetent or excited about working with brilliant and incredible people you can learn from.

It’s all a matter of perspective, but the side you find yourself on matters tremendously. It’s the difference between approaching a new situation with insecurity or confidence.

Now, apart from working on shifting your mindset and perspective, here are four things you can do to feel more confident in a new social situation:

1. Keep your body language in check. The impression you put out comes back to you as a reaction. If you get a positive response from someone, your confidence will improve, and vice versa. You’re probably thinking, “It’s out of my control!” To a certain extent, it is, but you have control over more than you think. There are ways to come off as more friendly and approachable, making creating a great first impression quickly. For example, pay attention to your posture; are you slouching? Are you looking at the ground? These can make you appear less interested and less approachable. On the flip side, if you stand up straight, turn your body towards the person, relax your shoulders, and smile, you'll immediately come off friendly.
2. Be interested instead of trying to be interesting. This technically means focusing on asking questions instead of trying to take over the conversation. However, they must not just ask questions but be open-ended to keep the conversation flowing. There's a difference between asking someone, “Do you like living here?" and "What's the best part about living here?" Asking open-ended questions creates opportunities for in-depth conversations. Nothing will make you feel more fulfilled or confident than engaging in an engaging discussion you don't want to end. Being interested also puts a lot of pressure on you to decide what to say.
3. Practice makes you confident (improve your social skills). Becoming more confident is a matter of practice. Think of it as the confidence muscle that needs a regular workout to stay in shape. As your confidence grows, socializing becomes more straightforward, even around new people and places. To feel more confident when facing new situations, you must build your confidence. The only way is if you get out there and practice your skills.
4. Focus on active listening. This one should come as no surprise, yet the world seems to lack this skill. You're sending out the right signals when you genuinely listen to what someone is saying. You appear more confident, and people feel connected to you. Active listening is the opposite of passive. You must show the other person you understand what they're saying. You affirm what they're saying while looking directly at them when they talk. This might take some practice, especially if it's a new person you're talking to. Body language is also associated with being a good listener: turning toward the person, shaking your head at the right time, and making eye contact are ways to show you're actively listening to them.

Piece all these together and watch your confidence soar. It's a misconception that people are born with confidence, charisma, and social skills. These are all things that can be learned. There's no reason why you can't feel more confident facing new social interactions, given practice and time to adjust. It's important to remember that the initial jump is always a shock to the system, but you can recalibrate and find ways to be more comfortable with each new interaction.

Ultimately, it's not about the new people or the new place but about how you see yourself with those. Perspective is everything.