Self, Sacrifice, and Service: A Caregiver's Notebook

Jennifer Jenkins embodies the unwavering spirit of a lifelong caregiver. Her journey began at just 15, caring for her grandmother after cancer surgery. Later, tragedy struck when her brother, James, was wounded in Iraq.  Alongside raising her infant child, Jennifer became his full-time caregiver and a tireless advocate for wounded veterans.  Her responsibilities extended to her mother following a stroke, and despite these immense challenges, Jennifer welcomed a premature daughter into her life.

Jennifer emphasizes the importance of counseling and self-care, including journaling and yoga, throughout her incredible journey.  While gradually transitioning some of her brother's care to his partner, she remains a dedicated caregiver and an inspiration to those balancing family and the extraordinary demands of caregiving. Jennifer's story is a testament to resilience, compassion, and the necessity of support for those who dedicate their lives to caring for others.

About Jennifer:

Jennifer Jenkins understands the complexities of being a full-time caregiver. “I  had to start from scratch finding the answers,” says Jennifer. “My brother’s care required a unique set of skills that my background did not include. That’s why the  connections I’ve made through Wounded Warrior Project® (WWP) have been invaluable.” 

In 2005, her brother James was wounded in combat while on a mission with his Army Stryker Brigade in Iraq. James endured a traumatic brain injury (TBI), partial hearing and vision loss, damage to his spine, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  

Jennifer’s journey has helped her understand the sacrifices, challenges, and unmet needs that caregivers face daily. Her message of love and support is clear and empathetic: “I do not see my brother’s needs as a burden. If I had to drop everything to help him, I would, and, quite frankly, I sometimes have. Thankfully,  Wounded Warrior Project is always there to help us, too.” 

Transcript

Natalie: 0:02

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate the inspired lead with helpful tips and resources and of course, laugh now, let's get to today's confession.

JJ: 0:28

AJ welcome morning, Natalie. Oh, man.

Natalie: 0:33

It's such a good morning. It's such it's it's such a good morning because it's Friday.

JJ: 0:38

And you just got back from Alabama. Oh,

Natalie: 0:41

I don't have a song.

JJ: 0:42

Oh my gosh,

Natalie: 0:44

Sweet Home Alabama. Did and you know, nobody was singing Sweet Home Alabama.

JJ: 0:52

Yeah. So Sweet Home Alabama. Nobody.

Natalie: 0:55

Nobody. I was in Dosen. I was in Birmingham. And I my accent fit right in. Yeah, nobody was singing sweet. I expected it to be like when you go to Nashville, you walk into the airport, and they're playing nothing but country music. Alabama is gonna have to step up. Okay, they're still in. Just one

JJ: 1:13

question. So what was that? That Reese Witherspoon movie? Where? What was that one?

Natalie: 1:18

You know Sweet Home Alabama. It

JJ: 1:19

was okay. Sure. It was actually remember when she said you have a baby in a bar. That was my favorite movie.

Natalie: 1:27

Bar. It's the way she said it in a bar.

JJ: 1:31

So if you need a little caregiver funny, just go watch.

Natalie: 1:35

Alabama. Jennifer's like what is this about? Like, jump in. You're like, I have seen that movie.

JJ: 1:45

Okay, let's get serious now. Alright, we're back together. Let's pull it together. Yes, yes. Yes. So are you ready?

Natalie: 1:51

I'm ready. Okay. Okay,

JJ: 1:56

so today we have a fantastic guest, but we already knew her, which is really interesting, which you know, besties Yeah, yeah. She may not claim us. But I want to give you a little backstory. So we met today we have Jennifer Jenkins, Willis. And we actually met her on a show we did. She was a representative for the Elizabeth Dole Foundation last November. And that was during our heroes caring for heroes campaign. But in sharing the information about the organization, we learned a lot more about Jennifer and we knew we had to have her back. So she has dedicated her career to Advocacy and Communication with a multitude of organizations and awards. But Jennifer has been a caregiver for over half her life caring for a grandparent with dementia. And then in 2005, becoming a full time caregiver for her brother James, who was wounded in Iraq while serving in the US Army. She is also a wife to a Navy veteran, she is a mother to a US Marine. And if that were not enough, she has a two year old daughter who arrived as a preemie. So I mean, she she's a little busy. So she's got a lot going on. Jennifer, we are so happy to have you here. Not to talk about you know, the educational side, but you're going to talk about real life today. So what is going on when she was faking

Natalie: 3:15

it the last time we were

Unknown: 3:18

professional? Yeah, exactly. Professional Barbie and then there's pool Barbie.

Natalie: 3:24

Oh, character for Barbie. You know what? Okay, so for everybody who can who's who's not on her not watching on our YouTube channel. She is blonde so she could be professional Barbie, or caregiver Barbie for sure. And absolutely beautiful. But here's the thing, beautiful on the inside, too. So the heroes caring for Heroes series was military and veteran caregivers. And we talked about how the Elizabeth Dole Foundation supports as well as Wounded Warrior because Jennifer's connect to the Wounded Warrior. And we'll get into that later. But that's when we learned about her caregiving. And she's just caregiving military. It's all together.

JJ: 4:07

We usually say as Natalie says, You were born and then jump to the caregiving starting place. So we you said over half your life. So let's go like how did this how did it began? Well,

Unknown: 4:18

like you, JJ, I'm the oldest. I'm 13 years older than my siblings. So I did a lot of caregiving for littles when I was a teenager. Oh, wow. And a lot of that was because I grew up in a house that wasn't so great. But you know, I had a really amazing mentor in my life. And my grandmother and she took care of so many people in her short 92 years. And thankfully, I had someone you know, that I could turn to during tough times, but who also helped me learn ways to get through those tough times on my own. And when I was fifth See my grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a single side mastectomy. All of her lymph nodes removed. It was very invasive surgery. So this was mid 80s. And I cared for her when she came from the hospital. I cleaned her wounds while she still had stitches, cash. And I remember it was scary. But it was also I felt so much honor in being able to provide that care for her.

JJ: 5:32

Jennifer did she did you move in? Did you were you there all the time? Is that kind of you were full time care. You were 24. So I was

Unknown: 5:40

back and forth anyway, as a child. Yeah, mother's house. But yes, I moved in. During that time. We didn't have a car by then my grandmother had given up her car. And I of course couldn't drive because it was old enough. So if I needed to go somewhere, I we called the taxi. We lived in kind of a rural area, but you could still call the taxi meaning there was one guy.

Natalie: 6:07

Yeah. So from where are you from? Originally?

Unknown: 6:10

I'm from Southern Indiana. Okay, so

Natalie: 6:13

southern India, I've got to have it like picture it Sicily 1932.

Unknown: 6:18

Because picture it gravel road. It's dusty. Yeah, there's where

Natalie: 6:24

we're from a rural area too. We had gravel only

JJ: 6:26

understand totally, we can relate

Unknown: 6:29

my we would call ahead to the Mitchell and buried drug and sundries i Sounds like it's like Little House on the Prairie. But we will call ahead and they would get our grocery order and any medicine that we might need or whatever and, and we had a charge account there. So I would take the taxi and go to Mitchell in Barrie. And while I was there, I got myself a chocolate ice cream. And then I would have arranged for the taxi to take me home. And that is was my first experience with caregiving.

Natalie: 7:08

How long did you care for your grandmother?

Unknown: 7:10

So that stent I was there about a month until she started getting around on her own and people from church start caring. And of course, I had to go to school.

Natalie: 7:20

Oh, so you had to learn as well. To still learn?

Unknown: 7:25

Yeah, I remember some of my teachers made these giant packets of work, you know, for me to do while I was away was kind of a plan thing. And then it wasn't until about 10 years later, when I was all grown up, I guess where I was working in radio, I had my own little baby. And that's when my my brother and sister were going to be removed from my parents home by child services. And so I was presented with the proposition of them going into foster care, or maybe becoming their legal guardian, if there is an adult sibling who is responsible and capable, they will place younger children with them. 100% Yeah, so a lot of people don't know that. And it was an interesting time in my life, I actually my sister ended up staying with someone else. And my brother stayed with me. So that was hard. But I raised him through high school. And I felt really good about it, because he made a lot of growth, we both made a lot of growth. But that's a caregiving experience, in and of itself. However, the real caregiving for James didn't start until he was wounded in Iraq.

Natalie: 8:46

So I want to I want to pause for one second, because number one, I've worked in the false I've worked in the foster care system for 25 years. And you're right. While it is not super, here's the thing, it is very common to place children with kinship, it is not super common that they go with an adult sibling that is in their probably early 20s. Because that's what I hear you telling me is, I was in my early 20s. And so you had gotten married. So you supported your grandmother, and which I think is great, because that's near and dear to my heart. I supported, everybody supported. And when you said oh, the schools, I just wanted to pause. Everybody knew the schools made sure that you didn't get behind. They made you packets of input of homework so that you didn't fail kind of thing and fail on so many levels. And the fact that you had the taxi service in think about the time now because we didn't have Hello, Uber. We didn't have Uber then Uber Hill. Thank you. And I'm assuming you were doing making food and all that kind of stuff and bank

Unknown: 9:53

and paid the note on my grandmother's gas stove.

Natalie: 9:59

Yeah, it's exactly I mean, like, and, and you're 15. And this is not what we would consider normal childhood type development or activities. And although but I think in rural areas, but I don't want even to say rural areas, but definitely in rural areas, the community kind of just says, Okay, how do we support one another? So then you get in? So you get married, then is that correct? So you get married, and that

Unknown: 10:25

got married? I was a single mom of a little guy. Oh, so

Natalie: 10:29

Okay, so you got married and divorced. I'm a big, I'm, I'm on my second. For everybody. You can appreciate that. Don't tell Jason. I've got a backup plan, just in case this one didn't work out. But we've been together 20 years. So I figure I'm, I'm gonna stick with this one. I'm lazy data. But so you got married and divorced or had a baby? And then you took your brother in? And so that's a different that's even more, because you're single mom. And so you took your brother in? Okay. And so your brother, so you he you raise? You both grew up more together? That's interesting. How was high school life? If I can just pause for a second and that young? That because you are caregivers. That's a hard role. Your guardian because you're technically the Guardian, which means you're the quote unquote, parent, and sibling?

Unknown: 11:19

Yeah. Well, first, we got a lot of questions we look alike. And people would think is that his mom, she looks really young. But it must be his mom. And there's another baby. And so and people would would refer to my son and my brother and my son and my brother as brothers. And I just, we just got to the point where we would let it go.

Natalie: 11:43

Just let it go. People, I don't even care.

Unknown: 11:48

It was I couldn't I was so strapped for time, because I'm working and baby. And that like I couldn't volunteer for football boosters, but I did make sure that he got to every practice. And I would say I was kind of a stern parent. I wanted him I had goals for him. And it was not to fall back into our previous generations habits.

JJ: 12:13

Yeah. Wow. And

Natalie: 12:15

so it's interesting. Did you get any training on how to be a parent because you're a caregiver? You bet you have experienced caregiving with tasks and supports and you knew you knew how to do this stuff, like help do things but any any tips from respectfully from social services on Hey, this is how you raise a young person by the way.

Unknown: 12:38

No, but I will say this we have muscle our brains have muscle memory. I was a Girl Scout, I did a lot of babysitting. I was they didn't make me become CPR certified, which for a 13 year old. That's fine. I did it. But I did I did have a lot of sort of subtle training growing up that I recalled in those in those moments. Were everything from like being an efficient grocery shopper to preparing simple meals. Yeah, you know, it's one thing for me with a baby to feed myself and give him you know, peas and carrots and some some slice of chicken but for me to feed a teenage boy for to have this family it became much different, huge hurdles when you start caregiving for a young person that even though it was the Guardian, like I had to get a court order to add him to my health insurance just crazy stuff. And, and those are things that you experience. When you care for an adult though later on in life, you find out oh my gosh, what I can't, I can't do their banking. I can't. I can't talk to the doctor about them. That's crazy. Yeah.

Natalie: 13:52

It does sound like you were honestly truly prepared.

JJ: 13:56

Jennifer. So I got a question for you. You've got a brother, you've got a son. Just give me an idea of the timeframe. So what how old are that you've got your when you take your brother in How old is he? He is 13. Okay, so 13 You're 25 You have an infant, and then your brother I know you take full care for him beginning in 2005 because of his injury. Somewhere in there. You also have your grandmother, she gets sick again. Is that

Unknown: 14:24

right? Yeah, so I'm raising my brother. He joins the army right after 911 No High School. And around the time my brother went away for boot camp. I saw things started changing with her on the phone. She became agitated she told me that she got fired from the hospital where she volunteered for 15 years. I went so far as to call them I was quite angry. And they really didn't tell me much and they probably couldn't tell me much about what was going on. But I started seeing things Things like incontinence and different signs that that were off. I decided it would be a good idea to move my grandma to assisted living. So we made arrangements when my brother was home. Next set, you know, the next time you're home from the army. We're moving grandma to assisted living, and you're helping

Natalie: 15:25

to be in charge. And you're helping that to me sounds like Natalie, are you gonna go do this? And it's more of a period than a question mark.

Unknown: 15:34

Yeah. So we moved her to assisted living. Yeah. And 30 days later, she crashed and burned because I didn't know that she had dementia. She hadn't been officially diagnosed. But I now know that when you make big changes, or you have the big illness, the dementia drastically increases. Yeah. So I got a phone call from hospital social worker that my grandmother had been was in Walmart. Now mind you, the previous 30 days, I was getting called everyday from an assisted living place, but my grandma was like, Just give her some time. I would call her on the phone. My grandma was at Walmart for 24 hours. She went to Walmart on the taxi, wandered around, did her little bit of shopping, but then just never left. And so the people came back from the next day. They were like, Hey, Mrs. Smith is still here. And this is some all Walmart early days with Walmart. Right? Yeah. Right. And I they put two and two together. They you know, they called an ambulance. Oh, and she got on hold at the hospital.

Natalie: 16:52

Oh my god. Wow. As a cycle. She's TV. Oh, yeah. And

Unknown: 16:56

then I had I had to talk to a judge to bring my grandma my beautiful Pentecostal never squashed and ate grandma.

Natalie: 17:06

Oh my gosh. Has an older she at this is at this point.

Unknown: 17:11

You know, she's like, she's like 86 Yeah,

Natalie: 17:15

just chillin at Walmart and what you know, stupid Walmart doesn't have like beds. Like, you know, like the old school like, like, what Sears everybody can sponsor us at this point. JC

Unknown: 17:27

Yeah, she bought you just knickers like napkin. When lace she bought it wasn't like she was shoplifting. She we chillin at the Walmart.

Natalie: 17:35

I mean, honestly, have you seen a Walmart? They're pretty big. A lot of lots to do. So, you go in spring your grandmother from because you go to the magistrate is where she went to the judge? And then what happened? Well,

Unknown: 17:49

they wouldn't let me take her. Like, I was like, I'll just take her home. And they were like, Yeah, so the doctors, you know, did a lot of tests while she was at the hospital and she has advanced dementia and and so we want to put her in a facility. Now I don't have POA. I don't have guardianship. I have nothing. I was able to put her in a facility very close to my home that I knew I knew some people that work there. It was God ideal. So then that also was difficult and advanced her dimension a bit further. But then we plateaued for a long time. I went I did her laundry. I did her nails. We went on lots of drives and field trips to my house. And I tried to make the end for life. Very beautiful floor where she was. Yeah. Wow. So

JJ: 18:40

if she went in at 86 I'm just trying to do a little math here, Jennifer. And she passed at 92. We've got the six year window there. But your brother is injured in 2005. Yeah. tween all this.

Unknown: 18:57

Yeah. So now he's in Iraq. Okay. No more helping with grandma. She knows this. Like he she he writes her letters. She writes him letters, although they sort of say the same thing over and over again, many different times. I miss your grandfather. Our farm was lovely. And he had long since passed. But she could get stuck on things like my brother God love him would write her things that about what was happening over there as if she were our grandma who, you know, would help us get through all that. And yeah, she'll get stuck on things like just horrible things, and she'll repeat them. And so I'm trying to like still care for my son. I'm sending my brother care packages. It's anguishing for him to be over there. Right? Because, like JJ, I am really good at controlling just every single thing. And I couldn't. That's really the beginning of where I started experiencing it. anxiety in my life. Funny I, I hadn't recognized that all those years before. And I didn't tell anybody about that. Of course

Natalie: 20:10

not. Yeah. Would you be a burden to someone else? You're taking care of everybody else but yourself.

Unknown: 20:16

My brother got blown up. Now he's in the Army Hospital where he's going to get out of the army buddies, you know, all these problems, brain injury, he's, he's got internal injuries, orthopedic surgeries.

Natalie: 20:32

Oh, it was a very significant injury. Yeah, he

Unknown: 20:35

drove over at a bomb. I have to tell my grandmother because she's expecting him, you know, to come and visit her. And I and he's different. In some ways, because of learning about dementia, I was actually able to understand my brother's brain injury a lot better. And I knew fairly quickly that it was going to be with him for a long time. You know, of course, the day it happens, you think they're gonna get better, or they're gonna go back to the army in their life, but but he didn't. It took me about five years to grieve, like who I pictured him. Be Right. And I know you have a lot of listeners that grieve, while their loved one is alive. You're not grieving them, per se. you're grieving your thoughts and dreams and hopes for that?

JJ: 21:26

Yeah. You know, I guess it sounds like to me, and I'm for my personality, Emily. And I know this because our parents worked a lot. They to me have always been there. My children like Emily calls me the mother hen, because I had a lot of power at the house. I'm telling you, it was like the Smiths he

Natalie: 21:45

was in charge. Here's the thing all the time. Spoiler alert, JJ still in charge.

JJ: 21:49

That's right. But it sounds like in addition to being just your brother, you, you are a significant mother figure. So do you feel like that, at least in my mind, you sort of take on that heart role. So this is a brother injury, but this is like a child in your heart. So there's so much more tied up in this, Jennifer? So and I feel like you maybe you've got a son, eventually you have this daughter, and in your mind, you're also seeing this brother that's gonna play with your kids, and you're gonna watch him get married and have kids. And so you have tell us more what happens next?

Unknown: 22:27

What happens? I honestly so many details I don't remember because I'm just now I'm entrenched. I have to learn about brain injuries and army retirement and VA disability and Social Security, that God already knew a little bit about that because I'm just like, taking care of my grandma. So I, I just for several years, I'm telling you for like, five years, I just plugged through and kept my head down and did all the things. And then it became time for my grandma to pass. Yeah. She She was diagnosed with throat cancer. And so we chose hospice. And I, the last three days of her life, I stayed with her bedside and passing with your loved one that you've cared for is, is a blessing and a curse. Because you know, your time doing that care is coming to an end. And you just want to make it so gentle for them. Yeah. My brother had seen a lot of deaths in Iraq and was not able to, to do that. And I, I'm glad I was able to give him that gift to say, I got this.

JJ: 23:45

Yeah. You always. That's what I remember. Yeah,

Unknown: 23:50

just remember her the way that that she was for you. And you guys are not gonna believe this when I tell you this. But a few months after my grandmother passed, I got a call from a hospital that my mother had had a stroke. I had not spoken to my mother in many years, many years. My mom was on her own, there was nobody to take care of her. I gathered a couple of distant relatives who knew my mom and we placed her in the same home where my grandmother was moving and my grandmother had just passed. And I obtained legal guardianship of my mom and it's something okay, I talked to my therapist about this a lot. Oh, yeah. The healthy choice might have been to not do that, to this day, take her over. But I wanted to be like, I don't, I am trying to break generational habits and I wanted to be, I guess, the bigger person or the forgiving person. So I have been my mom's legal caregiver for all this time. It's done. Friend, I have boundaries. I don't visit, I make sure she has the best care. I handle all of the circumstantial things right finances. So security now the health care decisions. And I've, I have some peace now that I can look at my mom and say the person that she is now is not the person that raised me. Yeah. And therefore I can have empathy for this person.

Natalie: 25:31

Mm hmm. That is, that is really words of wisdom. Because I'll tell you, children who have experienced trauma growing up is very hard. And not that it's hard for them to have empathy, but it would be anyone I think we can all relate. It's very hard to care for someone that when your background is strained, and that's the nice way to put it. It's hard to it's hard to do that. So that's a really good, I think, being able to separate periods of time because people do change, especially after significant illnesses. I'm not saying that it's changes for the better, it's just different. And so how do you what I hear you say it is, I know how to protect myself, so that you can perform that duty so that you can do and I think there's always an element that children do want their parents, no matter how badly or poorly they parented, I

Unknown: 26:35

have some advice. If for people who need to get their first get in counseling, there's a lot of ways to get counseling, you can tell a doc you can, you can go to support groups, there's counseling, through your employer, through your health insurance, get it, because you can't do this without releasing some of it from time to time. And, second, if you have a loved one that you need to set boundaries with that your past relationship was awful. Don't be afraid to tell the daily caregivers at the facility that they're in about your past, own it. I've told them, I have my mother here with you because she can get the best care. But I need you to understand what happened in our past life so that you understand the boundaries. It's not that I'm unkind. It's that I'm being kind to myself. When you explain that to professionals, they'll get it, they'll get it. So that helped me a lot. Just being honest, being vulnerable. What's the worst thing that can happen? That state takes her back? Well, I guess that would be the worst thing for her because then she wouldn't have somebody who really was trying to make sure that she got good care.

Natalie: 27:53

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JJ: 28:45

way we are back and we are with Jennifer Jenkins, and she just shared something that has has hit me. We're talking about setting boundaries. And she said it's not that I'm being unkind, but that I'm being kind to myself. And Jennifer. That is that is a that is a tip that is a that's insightful. You bet you got that. But you said counseling is something that you recommend for everything. And everybody that's that's a top tip. And I totally believe that.

Natalie: 29:16

So let's let's jump in and talk about let's transition because I want to before we do that you're still caring for your mother, your mother still with a lot.

Unknown: 29:27

And my brothers is he just turned 40 just had his 22nd surgery connected to his war wounds. He's an absolutely delightful person. And my mom is the same. She's the same, but I have somebody new in my life to take care of.

JJ: 29:46

I was going to ask if we were going to get into this because here's here's my question you still had left going on. I know that you have a lot of affiliations that you have. You are a huge advocate. So you're doing what you've got Under, like

Natalie: 30:01

words, where no way she has time to do anything like, brush her teeth. losted.

JJ: 30:06

So let's talk about the this talk about your life and how it has gone forward. Let's talk about that. Well,

Unknown: 30:15

when my own son grew up, he decided to join the Marine Corps. That's when I went to counseling because I was like, Okay, I'm not okay. And since then he's gotten out of the Marine Corps, he got hurt two deaths. Thankfully, he recovered and is doing well. And I have a granddaughter and it's beautiful. But as I started trying to be a more healthy person and being kind to myself and really doing that hard work, I filled in gaps that I got a job I finished my degree, I started doing yoga, I a lot of things I moved to my own home in Florida, I still go back and forth. But, you know, I made a big step, I stepped off a big cliff because I was expecting a big splash, right? I started filling in gaps. This extra were going to where a project helped me because they were always encouraging me like, Okay, well, what else do you need? Counseling, check, work check. What else do you need, and I really needed relationships. I have friends of course, but but many of them are a bit disconnected. I have, you know, a couple who are really tight. But I needed like, I wanted a partner, a good solid. Your baggage isn't too heavy for me partner. And I met a Navy veteran. And during COVID We got married and had a baby.

Natalie: 31:38

Oh my god. Little boy.

Unknown: 31:42

Yeah, I had a week before my 50th birthday. You

JJ: 31:47

are a good form and a

Unknown: 31:50

lot of work. Yeah. The hardest part has been when he was born early. And so he spent a couple of months in the NICU. And I started having like, caregiver flashbacks, like PTSD. I know how to turn off the machines. But I also know that the machines say, and I understand what the doctors say that when I overhear them talking and it's, it was a lot. And that has forced me to go back to my old tactics. Okay, box breathing, get out a pen and paper and do some doodling phone a friend like I just had to start going through the list. Those

Natalie: 32:29

are tips right there. Those are those are things that help decrease your anxiety, the breathe, it's amazing the power of breathing. And

Unknown: 32:37

when my son was hurt, I had learned by that time, that there's there's four questions to ask someone when they're hurting, or going through a crisis. So, you know, have you had anything to drink today? Well, how much water have you had today? Have you had anything to eat? When was the last time that you ate? How much sleep did you get last night? How much are you even sleeping? Just recently? Have you talked to anyone? Who have you talked to what have you told them?

Natalie: 33:08

Those are good. Those are good questions. And especially when when you're feeling I call it upside down. When you're feeling upside down and you can feel the anxiety. Typically, it's like would you like a drink of water? Would you like it's it's it's it's even like in the question around her. Yeah, seven eight, Would you like something to eat because what it's meant to do is distract and help get you reregulated, that sort of thing. And these are easy interventions. Yeah.

Unknown: 33:36

Also, ask these questions of yourself. When you feel your heart racing. When you feel like you're holding every breath. Ask yourself drink water today. You know, there's some ancillary questions go outside Caltech for five minutes, just breathe, look at a leaf.

Natalie: 33:59

It's the truth. It helps you refocus and really get reconnected. Oh my gosh, like this is these are good strategies. Yeah. Oh, yeah. These are really good strategies to be able to help win as a caregiver. And I'm going to tell you, I know we gotta go to sister questions. As a caregiver, it's easy to become overwhelmed. And I think Jen, you probably have been using a lot of these strategies intermittently throughout your entire life, when you were caring, and there's a lot of pressure, especially as a young caregiver, and your age and you're just growing up and you're like, you get pushed with these things and you're finding strategies, but I think that's part of the point of having a counselor is they help kind of wrap your brain around the why and help you identify what your body's telling you because your body will always tell you first like guy that my ears when I'm on when I get put on my ears get read or my hands gets kind of sweaty and if when you know what your body are listening to your body, you can do the things to help get you settled. So, Jay, I mean, I hate to say this time,

JJ: 35:09

it's a sister question. I know,

Natalie: 35:11

I just I'm like, Oh my gosh, I'm like, I feel like we need to go give Jennifer a hug.

JJ: 35:15

This is I know. She's like, amazing. I'm so glad that we, for everybody that that hears this message. Like, it's Jennifer. It's your story. But it is there's so much like, there's so much even I hear and I'm like, it's like a breath. Like, I'm going to do this. I'm going to add when I get in that mode. I've had like you said it. I've had calls every day for mom this week about a piece of medical equipment. And I'm like, and then I get the call from the doctor's office that she has the FaceTime. So it is exhausting. But something I heard you say here's my sister questioning, right, Natalie? Oh, I'm ready. I'll just jump into it. So what I have heard everything that you've said is that this journey that has been over half your life, you have not allowed it to define you. And there are so many caregivers out there that their caregiver, and they look at their life, and it's just over. And you said that you started seeking out the things that filled the gaps. And I've loved that. What now because you're in it, I mean, you're in caregiving. What continues to fill your gaps, like where do you think you've gotten the most what overflowed your bucket now?

Unknown: 36:26

Honestly, a little bit of nostalgia. Yeah. My grandma taught me to write something down every day, even if nobody ever reads it. You can write it in your calendar in a journal on a scrap piece of paper that you've picked up along the way. It really does help you make sense of it all. I'm writing again, I've even I've always been written it down every day something a sentence. But I'm really writing now. And I'm looking at some memories that are a little hard. But that's okay. I'm I'm believe that when you're ready to listen to the heart songs, you know, the songs, the one that was on the radio 27 times a day when your brother got blown up. That song for me is 100 years Five For Fighting. I for my brother got hurt 19 years ago, and honestly, for 18 years, I could not listen to that song. But recently, I've been listening to it in a new way. And I'm just working on looking at that nostalgia and saying what can I take from that? That's positive? Yeah,

Natalie: 37:33

I really like that. Because we all know, it's so funny how there are songs, or smells, or things that really, that really take you back. And I think you're right, you have to be in a place to be able to respond to that, you know what I mean? You have to be in a place where you're like, Okay, I can handle this right now. Because you don't have to here here's a tip. You don't have to face it if you're not ready just yet. But no, the the you're gonna have to pay the piper at some point, you're gonna have to do that. So that you can move on and be healthy. Sometimes it's not the right time, but it will come in it's time. You know, I'll with your brother, your brother lives with you still is that right?

Unknown: 38:22

So he has his own apartment. Have a room there. But I have kind of some new news Hotel. About two years ago, my brother met someone. Now his long term goal once he got to a recovery point where he could start setting goals for himself was relationships. He just strictly alone when he got wounded, like didn't really ever have a serious girlfriend. That's what you want us we all want. That's what I wanted. Couple of years ago, he met a special education teacher. And his baggage isn't too heavy for her to pick up. A couple months ago moved in to his apartment and she is transitioning the caregiving role. It's gonna take a while it's 19 years. You don't just say here you go. But it's wonderful to be collaborative with her. I we've been so honest and so transparent, and she is absolutely lovely. And I'm hopeful I'm starting to I'm going to Photoshop her into all like the family photos. So I think they'll make a whole album where she's in there like this whole time we were just we didn't know it.

Natalie: 39:35

Wow. Okay, so that that feels so good. This is reminds me of Carissa charisma excuse me, charisma, where Jennifer. She met Cole and his mother had cared for him for years. And that transitioning in that handing off she talked about it from her perspective. She was like that was a little hard a little awkward because it was hard to hand that off. And Jennifer, you've been his care caregiver, you've been his caregiver his entire life. But different. You've been sister, you've been mom, you have been Caregiver. Like you've got so many hats. But the fact that you say it can be done, it can be done in a healthy way. It doesn't lessen anything I've done. So important and it gives your brother independence.

Unknown: 40:24

Yes, because our care recipients, they don't want to be a burden to us. And they have a lot of feelings about that. They sure do. And I wanted to just say that all of the tactics that I incorporate continue to make me a better caregiver. Taking the time to go for a walk or to do my breathing or to practice yoga doesn't take away from me being a caregiver, it makes it that

Natalie: 40:51

take that. Yeah, so I think it's so important. Okay, so here's my last question, because I'm so glad you shared that your brother has it. Okay. Can we know her name? Because we're total girls. We're like, what's her name?

Unknown: 41:02

It's Denise. Hi, Denise. We

Natalie: 41:04

love you. We love you, Denise.

Unknown: 41:06

She has 678 Brothers and sisters. So always bothers her. It's just, I couldn't have prescribed someone better.

JJ: 41:18

Oh, I

Natalie: 41:19

love that. Okay.

JJ: 41:21

It feels my heart.

Natalie: 41:21

I like Despo my heart. I'm like, Oh, this is good. Okay, so you know what I feel like when you photoshopped her in, we need to have that with this episode. So people have no frame of reference. So they're like, Oh, well, that's the nice. Hey, Denise. Last question, and this is always the fun one for me is what's your favorite? Guilty pleasure? What is the thing that you do for yourself that you're like, Oh, I didn't share that with nobody.

Unknown: 41:47

I? So I travel a lot for caregiving, right? I'm long distance caregiver. Many of your listeners are I'm sure. I like to have a little bit extra layover, so I can train myself to sit down meal. You know, every airport has that opportunity might not be great food. But we're like somebody's bringing me if I'm sitting there by myself, I might be reading a book or not. That's my guilty pleasure. I build in that time. Nobody know. I can't do anything. Right. I'm stuck between flights. Oh, no, I

Natalie: 42:24

have a layover. That's 10 days.

Unknown: 42:29

I'm talking about like, an hour and 45 minutes.

Natalie: 42:33

I know. But 10 days would be pretty funny if the airport was right next to the ocean. And you're like, I don't know what happens. I'm here. Oh my gosh, I feel it. I feel like Jennifer needs our friends at it. Norwegian Cruise Line. I feel like the

JJ: 42:50

seven day layover for Jennifer god.

Natalie: 42:54

Oh, I love that. You know what? That's, that is probably the most interesting, guilty pleasure. Because it's just time for yourself. It's people be like, Well, that's true. And I love what do you get to do? Yeah, no,

Unknown: 43:09

I mean, literally, I

Natalie: 43:11

was in the airport yesterday and thinking like, well, there's Starbucks. Here I come. I love that. You know, I can't believe our time has already gone. It's just crazy. We're I feel like Jennifer is gonna have to come back and just play with us and hang out, you know, definitely come back for sure for the Heroes series, which is our military and veteran caregivers series. Because I think you have so many words of wisdom. And I think there's other things that we can jump into especially being a military caregiver. And you're really committed. I mean, you can't find much many more people who are stars and bars over here people because I mean, your husband's Navy, you're hitting every you're hitting every Well, I break, he's

Unknown: 43:55

gonna he's gonna have to join the Space Force and my granddaughter is going to have to go in the Coast Guard, I think. And

Natalie: 44:00

honestly, you got it covered, and you've got all the emblems and everything. So, guys, thanks so much for listening in. We really appreciate you and until we confess again, we'll see you next time. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again, till then take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I, at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors, or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted, and no part can be reproduced without the express written consent of the sisterhood of care, LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.