The Hidden Caregiver: A Male Perspective on Providing Support to Aging Parents

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Paul Ptashnick shares his personal journey as a caregiver for his aging parents, both battling Parkinson's disease. His caregiving role intensified in his late 30s, especially after his father's significant fall. Navigating the healthcare system, Paul made tough decisions about his father's care facilities. Balancing work and caregiving, he highlights the importance of consistent caregivers for his parents.

Amid trials, Paul addresses caregiving's financial and mental toll. He emphasizes support systems, suggesting home healthcare and care concierge services. Paul advocates adaptability, learning quickly, ensuring interaction and mobility for parents. Despite challenges, he urges caregivers to treasure joy, prioritize personal happiness, take trips, and enjoy simple pleasures.

Paul's candid sharing offers invaluable insights into the reality of male caregiving, particularly for those managing the progression of diseases like Parkinson's. His story is a testament to the significance of open communication, persistence in advocacy, and the delicate balance between caring for loved ones and self-care.

About Paul:

Paul Ptashnick is a freelance copywriter and fractional marketer focused on B2B startups in the InsurTech, FinTech, and AgeTech spaces. In addition, Paul’s wife Ana is also an entrepreneur, opening Red Apron Charcuterie in 2023.

When Paul and Ana aren’t working or playing with their fur baby Marty, they are usually traveling. They have visited Peru many times and have also spent time in England, Ireland, France, Colombia, and Mexico.

For Paul’s 50th birthday, they have another European vacation planned with stops in Germany, Switzerland, Austria, and Croatia.

Transcript

Natalie: 0:02

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate the inspired lead with helpful tips and resources and of course, laugh. Now, let's get to today's confession. Good morning. Morning. Okay, we come on here laughing because we have already had 15 minutes of fun with our guest. She

JJ: 0:38

She has been singing all morning. If you're watching the YouTube video, she is like dancing in my head.

Natalie: 0:44

Is this Instagram dog? Jay? It is. Okay, so this is what I was gonna say. I'm not starting off this morning's episode with singing. Don't worry, Paul. You'll get that tomorrow. Cool. Sounds good. We got we got our guests as part one and part two, because it's so good. And so a stir. But I like to always saying when we started and then of course, JJ makes fun of me, which seems appropriate. She is the older sister, older word. And but I have a new guilty pleasure. And give it it is spilitt. It is the Instagram dog that is shaking his head. And it's just all these funny memes. And it doesn't even matter what the word is. It's just that dog. And I don't understand how the dog did that. And then I've watched the cat memes. And this is actually bringing me more joy than Hallmark. Paul's like,

JJ: 1:33

there is no joy and we will make sure that in the show notes. Natalie, we include a

Natalie: 1:39

link in the show notes. Paul has all this great information. And then there's the Instagram with the dog dancing. Yeah. Okay, let's focus. Let's get right back in because we have an awesome confession today. And it's Oh, it's so good. Okay,

JJ: 1:55

you got it. And you know what, Natalie, it's a man. We say that because this is part of our male caregivers. Our male caregivers, their brothers, so male caregivers. Yeah, they are and they're like the hidden caregiver they are. today. We have Paul botanic with us a practice that you're all impressed when I'm able to say the guest last night. And when we first spoke with Paul, his story resonated with ours a lot. But it was Tom's to his dad was diagnosed with Parkinson's within a few months of retiring. And a few years later, his mom was diagnosed with Lewy Body Parkinson's. Today, we're here for the beginning of this story, Paul's father, and the tips and resources, Paul shares from home healthcare to maintaining new love. Well, that's all part of the story. So Paul, we are so happy to have you here with us today.

Unknown: 2:50

Awesome. Excited to share my story with you guys. You're

JJ: 2:54

not allowed to sing. I lay down the law right off the bat. That's all I have.

Unknown: 2:58

I think everyone's screens if I sang.

Natalie: 3:02

Okay, so I feel like we need to know now that you have you have new honorary sisters, do you have any other siblings, I

Unknown: 3:10

have an older sister, she's about a year and a half older than me. And during this, like, during this whole process, like like with my mom, my dad, like, started off with my dad. So she was in the process. So she was married, she was in the process getting divorced. And she had two young boys, and she had some things going on at work. And so me it was kind of like, with my dad was like, kind of divide and conquer. I was like, you know, my sister was sad, you know, I knew what was going on with my sister. So it's kind of like, Alright, uh, you just kind of fill in the gaps where you can, like, I'll take the lead on this. Make sure the boys are okay. And you know, make sure everything's okay at work. And, you know, so Oh, look at

Natalie: 3:49

politics jumping right in.

JJ: 3:52

Right in the middle of a younger,

Unknown: 3:54

I have so much to say about this topic. You know, I really do. It's like, it's, you know, it's just something that the whole journey is just kind of stuck with me, you know? Hmm.

Natalie: 4:06

Okay, so let's start from the beginning. You were boring. And then let's fast forward. So tell us a little bit about a little bit of background like cliffnotes version? Out to what led up to caregiving?

Unknown: 4:16

Yeah, so I mean, well, I grew up in small Massachusetts, down with my mom, dad and my older sister. And, you know, went to local high school, local college. We both did. And yeah, I mean, my dad was an electrician. My mom was, was a registered nurse. And mom came over here from Ireland when she was 21. So, oh, yeah. So, ya know, things were, I mean, I hit the lottery with my parents. They're the best love and the death. And, yeah, I mean, you know, it was when I got into like, my late 30s that's kind of when I started caregiving a little bit. I was just kind of taking care of things around the house mom and dad were you know, they were doing fine line. But, you know, things definitely accelerated as time went on.

JJ: 5:06

So I want to just note, Paul's Mom was a nurse. And I think that might play in a little bit because I'm thinking she had a method that she wanted things done. Is that maybe Correct? Even with your dad or 100%? No, okay, okay. Oh, yeah, she

Natalie: 5:21

was an Irish Irish nurse, which really shows like, you know, did your mom drink Guinness? You can tell me? No,

Unknown: 5:29

she barely even drank actually.

Natalie: 5:32

She's not really Irish. She's really like,

JJ: 5:35

yeah, American Irish.

Unknown: 5:40

She have a little brandy here and there. That's that was it?

Natalie: 5:42

Yeah. You know, and that was just for sore throat. I

Unknown: 5:44

think we all know that. Exactly. Exactly. It's an old chest cold or whatever. Yeah, exactly.

JJ: 5:51

So did you stay in town? Did you move out of town? Or you say you're doing the stuff around the house? So you got to be close? Yeah.

Unknown: 5:58

So I never left. Massachusetts. I grew up there. Stayed there. Went to college there. And yeah, so you know, my parents. When they date, they moved to a 55 and older community. Okay, right around the time they, they both retired, he retired about like a year later, a year and a half later. So that was further down towards like, Cape Cod. So but that was, you know, really good to just because everyone kind of kept an eye on each other, which was great. So, there were some things too, I think that just kind of went on that nobody knew about because like, you know, don't ask your neighbors for help or whatever. So.

JJ: 6:36

Yeah, yeah. So you mentioned that right before, I guess right around the time your dad, your dad retired, that's when this Parkinson's reared its ugly head. Tell me about that. Like how that that transpired.

Unknown: 6:52

You know, that was so random. So my dad was going to to for dermatologist appointment, and he's talking to the dermatologist and it's double tops. It's like, oh, so how long have you had Parkinson's for? And my mom was just like, Oh, my God, she's like that says, she's like, I just missed it. She was just so busy, like with work and like, all these other things. She's like, that's why he's like, act. And so that's why the change in my husband, so they ended up getting you don't go to neurologist, get them tested? And then you know, that's how they confirmed everything.

JJ: 7:24

Wow. Did not know that was the date. Well, the diagnosis for probably four years. Yeah. Wow. Yeah.

Unknown: 7:31

It was. My mom was like kicking herself. She's like, you know, but she had a million things going on. Yeah. And she was like, I just can't believe that. She's like, now I think about it. She's like, Oh, makes perfect sense. You know? So

Natalie: 7:46

did your mom see it for the for a couple years? Like, how did she see that? She did. I guess more of like the communication. I think it feels like your family is a little bit close. And so you're having good constant conversation and things like that. Your mom's like, Hey, your dad's kind of this, or did you see things and everyone just kind of just like blow it off a little bit? Yeah, he

Unknown: 8:05

he slowed down. And we just kind of feared me it was just kind of like part of the aging process and stuff we never really like, put one on one together is actually after he got diagnosed, I would say like, couple months later, that's like when we started, like we noticed the tremors and stuff like that. But before like not really and stuff. It was just all kind of like, all at once.

Natalie: 8:27

That's interesting. So he gets diagnosed, at this point, you guys are doing like normal family stuff, you're still falling into the sun roll. Right? I always look at it like the daughter role. And there's always something that really kind of that really kind of pushes you like care ends up being in a crisis. Like we had a slow burn with our mom. So like, right after our dad passed. I mean, our mom had had was diagnosed for quite some time before. But after our dad passed, you know, we're thinking, oh, we'll need to do more, but really didn't. And I don't know, it's kind of the same way. Like once your dad was diagnosed, you're just like, hey, what can I do? Is there any additional things I can help with? But there typically is like this, this breaking point.

Unknown: 9:05

Right? Right. So I'd say like, the breaking point was he took so my dad was prone to falls. So he, after one bad fall, you know, he's in the hospital. And he got released. And he was still like, you know, still wasn't good on his feet. And I was like, I just told my parents and like, it sat down. I was like, listen, like, do you guys want to stay at home? Like course we do. I'm like, alright, well, like now I feel like now's the time. We got to get some extra help. And that's how we got the homecare involved. Now it's taken at the time, like, oh, just you know, it's kind of like you flip a switch and like they, you know, they'll come over. And there's a little bit but there's there's a little bit of a process to it. You know,

JJ: 9:48

it's not like Uber sorry,

Natalie: 9:49

did you know that you did not have Care on Demand?

Unknown: 9:53

Yeah, you know, I think it all will sign off and they can have someone come out the next day and it's not and it doesn't work like that you What they'll do is they'll come out, and they'll come out and do an evaluation. First they have someone, you know, meet with your parents. And that kind of gives them based on just kind of where your parents are at. And like also kind of caregivers they can match them up with. So, you know, we went through the whole process, and I remember, I was in Chicago, she called me up afterwards, because I told him, like, just let me know how things go. And she's like, I've been doing this for 20 years, she goes to your parents, the first people ever give me a hug and thanked me for stopping over, she's like, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, like hook them up with the best caregivers that we have. Like, they're, they're awesome. And she did, we totally lucked out. Like, she totally hooked us up with, you know, to great caregivers. And it was funny, like, I mean, initially, like, I mean, I helped out a lot with my dad. So like, you know, they could help them around the house do things, but no thing is, like, I noticed after one of his falls that, you know, he's awakened all hours in the night, when I made stay over. Like, I noticed that and I'm like, it was my mom waking up. Like, I would tell her like, oh, you sleep, like, I'll wake up and kind of listen out for Listen for things. And I was like, I was like, a zombie, like, after a couple of days is like, Oh my God, you can't do this. So you know, that was like the other thing. I had that in the back of my head already. So it's like, after the fall is like, I just kind of pulled the trigger. And it just kind of friends at around. Hey, like you guys want to stay at home? Right? Yeah, of course we do that. That's what we want. And, you know, I tell them, Well, the best way to stay at home is to get some help. Because you know, something happened to my mom, then the wheels are gonna fall off the train quick. So

JJ: 11:29

absolutely. How old are your parents at that time? Just kind of right? They

Unknown: 11:33

were like late, late 60s. Okay, yeah. still young? Yeah. Totally. Yeah.

Natalie: 11:38

Yeah. When we're in our 20s we think that late 60s is old. But now look at it. I'm like, No, right now. Yeah, it's I'm like, it's really not because people are living so much longer people are living into their 90s. And so I feel like I'm just gonna be hitting stride at 60. But that's only because I'm 12 years away from it. So, so when you all so he gets the diagnosis, and you're working with your mom, this is kind of interesting to me. Did you all start having conversations about what care would look like even to the point that your dad fell? And you said, Hey, I think we need to get some additional help here. Are you having conversations about what that looks like? Or is it like? Or is your mom and dad saying, now we got this? We'll keep you guys posted on a status update?

Unknown: 12:25

Yeah, so that's the whole thing is they have kept a lot of things in the dark. So every time I talked to them all everything's okay, we're doing great. This and that. That's like, later on, you find out you know, all this other stuff happened, you know. So that's really how it went was was like that. So but as I started spending more time, like around the house started picking up more and more things. And, you know, eventually got to the point where my mom's like, she called me up like in tears one day, just like, Ah, shit, I can't take it like, you know, I need help with the take care of the bills, and this and that. So, yeah, you know, yeah, but yeah, usually, I mean, that's, I guess it kind of that's how it normally works is the parents are saying, oh, yeah, everything's fine. And then it's like, you don't find out how bad things are. Until you know, much later. Yeah.

JJ: 13:10

So and that's, that's a question that we kind of, it kind of gradually went. So we took over mom's finances to kind of help because our dad had always Pete kind of handled all the bills and all that that wasn't a specialty. So you and your sister have your strengths. We know what's going on with your mom or your sister? Or rather, what's going on in your wife? Like at this time? Are you like you

Natalie: 13:30

have no UI for anything? Are you just kind of just in the ready, like doing circles around the airport? Yeah,

Unknown: 13:35

so it's funny. So it was at that time that actually I started working for myself as like copywriter and fractional marketer for startup companies. So the good thing with that was at least I could kind of create my own schedule. But I mean, there was a period for two and a half years where I had so much going on with my parents, and like I kind of had to keep I have to pay my bills and stuff that I was getting up how get up at three o'clock in the morning, I'd start work and I'll go from three o'clock, till about like noon, take a break, and then I'd take care of stuff for my parents and then, you know, finish tie up loose ends later on the night. Now, it's my schedule of like two and a half years. I mean, I was working weekends and stopping off at home like it was just like, a lot. But you know, the good thing is I had the flexibility like, with my work like as long as I'm meeting people's deadlines doesn't matter. Like, how I made them. So how are

JJ: 14:25

you feeling like personally? Yeah. Are you tired, carry yourself

Natalie: 14:30

going to get your annual checkups

Unknown: 14:32

to be honest. So I was like on autopilot. Like, I have so much stuff kind of going through my head just because I'm very like, as much as I like to wing it. Like we go on vacations and stuff like that, like the wing things I tell that to my wife drives me crazy because she likes to have a plan. But like with my work and like just with my parents and like, I need a plan like I can't like like I need to be proactive. And I have to know things and this and that. So I would always be kind of tossing and turning at night and like three o'clock for what have reasonable just get up. Like it was like I was on autopilot for like two and a half years was crazy.

Natalie: 15:05

Huh, Jay, it's time. Let's take a break. All right. We'll be right back. Cool. Do you love to listen to podcast? So do we and these sisters are excited to support our fellow sister in care Nicole will host of navigating the world with your aging loved one. As former guest ourselves. We love how Nicole explores the world of aging and care. Beyond the informative interviews, Nicole's gathered helpful resources and practical tools that encourage and give hope to caregivers navigating the aging journey with their loved ones for a more meaningful and fulfilled life. You can find the call, wherever you download your favorite podcast, or go to her website, www. Die. Will gather.com Hey, everybody,

JJ: 16:00

we're back. We're talking to all we're talking about working almost 24 hours a day. Keep a job take care of family and Paul's on autopilot. So we're still going, Paul. Paul

Natalie: 16:12

is a zombie at this point. Are you feeling a little bit like a zombie? You're just kind of walking through the motions every day?

Unknown: 16:18

No, I'm on to be honest with adrenaline.

Natalie: 16:23

Polar Hi. That's how I felt when I was dealing with Jason. I was just as I felt like I could I could have gone I could have run the New York City Marathon faster than those those little those people who win. Okay, because that's how I was feeling like I was on this pace. And when it stopped and we came back home was when I feel like the train hit me. Like right, it hit Oh, yeah. Tried to stop. Because I was like my mind was racing. Yeah. So

JJ: 16:50

you said also that you so I heard you say because we've had trouble with home health care. Your people in home health care. It worked really well. Tell me a little bit about that. Because I know you've had tips and pointers about home health care why? Yeah, that work for you guys?

Unknown: 17:07

Yeah, I'd have to say so. I mean, so we lucked out. It's like, the first, the first day that we had in the house. She was awesome. And she was great. But then like as things progressed, and this was really after. This is like with my mom that we didn't get someone else in as well. Because like she Yeah, she was prone to wandering. Yeah. So we had so that was tough. I mean, I will get phone calls. And the homecare agency call me up. Like, we're not sure what to do. Your mom wants to send the aid home. And I'm like, so I'll call up the house. And like, Hey, man, what's going on? I'm like, I call I got a call from the homecare agency, they said you want to send the aid home. My mom's like, I should be taking care of her. She shouldn't be taking care of me like, oh, so like, Oh, boy. So. So my mom was good. Like, I would talk her off the ledge and stuff. But um, you know, it's one of those deals where you got to kind of, like, I would feel bad, like, if I would tell the DA Missy, oh, like, you know, I'm sorry, but it's not really a fit with this, so and so. But like, I don't know, after point, you just kind of like, Listen, you got to do what's best for mom and dad. And, you know, it's nothing personal. And we lucked out. Like, the other day that we got the thing was this to just with my parents, they like to see familiar faces. So if you're constantly having like new people come in, like, that's not going to work. So like, My parents loved one. So like, I was just like, alright, well, how many hours? Can she dedicate to us? Like, okay, she can do this number hours, and eventually got to the point where we found someone else. And she was awesome. And, you know, we ended up grabbing her. So my parents only had same two faces, which makes a huge difference. So

Natalie: 18:47

you went through a home health agency, let's let's let's become a little impolite.

Unknown: 18:53

Oh, that sounds expensive. It was like,

Natalie: 18:57

let's not let's get impolite because in the south, we don't talk about money. You don't talk about the spells that people have either, but was the money piece. And it was a very difficult conversation with money with our our mom and dad were like, look at you children. You don't get to know about any of those things. And then after our dad passed, we tried to help with our mom and said, you know, hey, what's going on with the money? And she's like, that's cute. So how did you all like from a financial planning piece? And you're talking about health home aid? Because I know people are probably thinking, holy cow. He went through a home agency, which can be more expensive than going through just finding someone online because there's a lot of places online that do it now. That independent of home health agency. And do you think did you all think, what was the decision making process of trying to find someone on our own versus home health agency? And did you feel like your parents did you all have open discussions around how are we going to extend our dollar?

Unknown: 19:57

Right? Well, it's funny my so my pair So we're actually lucky in that, so my dad worked for the state. So he had a pension. Okay. And then my mom also had a pension. She worked for the Catholic. So she my mom was a nurse at a retirement home for nuns. So she also had a pension to through like, the Catholic Church. So that was like, nice, just kind of having that come in. But yeah, so I did, we did poke around. And to be honest, it was like about even between homecare agency, at least in Massachusetts, okay, and carrying it and, and hiring someone else, you know, through online or something like that? And, yeah, I mean, so. And there were things we do, like, you know, sometimes, like, they'll call out and stuff, and they're like, Oh, do you want to send coverage, and we would decline it in like, either I would stop out. I mean, my sister would stop out. So that's what we would do. And then like, you know, the rates went up for the weekends, like the weekends, like, you know, we would try to stop out and do that. So that's like what we did. But I mean, we looked at it to like, we're like, well say, if they have to go into assisted living, it was cheaper for the home health. Yeah, then then assisted living the way we're, we're managing it and stuff, you know, so well,

Natalie: 21:04

and also, you would have that, that goes into a move. So your parents have moved in, they've gone into the 55 and older place, which I keep talking, trying to get Jason to go into it. Now. I tell him, I would be the prettiest one there has youngest, but um, maybe not. Because some of these ladies are real pretty. So you guys, so we know that people have better health outcomes respectfully. And that's, I don't wanna say I don't want to be an absolute statement. But if you can keep folks in the home and community, they typically have better outcomes, because they feel more comfortable. And it's just a different feel. And so, it sounds like you've got, you've got people who are coming over who are covering X number of hours. So are you thinking, are you saying probably 25 to 30 hours a week to support your mom, and you and your sister are supplementing?

Unknown: 21:54

Um, so initially just started off, they would come over three days a week for four hour shifts? And, yep, it started off with that. And then like, over time, it gradually started where it was like, probably, yeah, 25 or 30 hours a week or something like that. Like, yeah, for a while. So yeah.

JJ: 22:15

So let's, let's go with progression. Because we know, we know, Parkinson's. So tell me about the steps with your dad kind of what's happening around the house next, like, Where does this get? Yeah,

Unknown: 22:28

I mean, you know, he was great. It was just the the falls, that's what, that's what it was. And with him, like a lot of times to like, you'll get up in the middle of night and walk around and you know, something would happen, but, um, you know, progressively like the Falls would would get worse. And eventually he got to a point where I literally just got engaged in going to see my wife,

JJ: 22:51

Natalie back out here. So, you got engaged, where you dated, you had a lifeline I have a life as a caregiver, what I know that was so that is that is a part that is a tip there you actually can you have to write is you have to Okay, yeah,

Unknown: 23:08

totally, totally. You can try to you know, but yeah, you know, but we just got engaged and going to see your parents in Peru, gonna meet them, gonna see them. And, you know, we get to her house, I plug into Wi Fi, and I get a message texted my sister say, Oh, Dad fell, and he was airlifted to the hospital. And that's really where everything changed for me. You know, it was just like, from there, it just turned into reactive mode. So yeah,

Natalie: 23:37

well, and you were in you were out of the country with your future in laws. You had just gotten there. And so you made it really nice. You just kind of breezed over that you actually left, correct. No, actually, my

Unknown: 23:52

Yeah, I talked to my sister and she was like, listen, she's, she's like, there's nothing like you can do. She goes, I'll keep an eye on him. Don't worry about it. Like when you come back, you know, we'll we'll figure something out. So but that killed me. I was like, I was away. But she was like, and I asked her like, two or three times. She's like, now she's like, there's nothing seriously, there's nothing you can do is in the hospital. Like, he's fine. You know, just when you come back, like rest up now. Because when you come back, like, you know, things are gonna be busy. So Wow. Yeah. So

JJ: 24:21

I like that communication. Yeah. Here's my team tag. You're it? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah,

Natalie: 24:27

like that. So you get back and I think it sounded like it was this was like, kind of that turning point where it was a step up. So you start spending more time, right, supporting, correct.

Unknown: 24:39

Correct, correct. And then you know, that's where, you know, I didn't know any of this stuff. I had to learn on the fly pretty much like you know, I'm at the hospital and they go oh, yeah, well, you know, we're discharging them just pick a short term rehab facility yet I'm like, what's that like? You know, I knew nothing about it. It's like you know, they had to walk kind of walk me through it and you know, it asked my sister to and There was like, Alright, so, you know, once we did the short term rehab, they're like, oh, okay, well, oh, by the way, like, you have like, two days to figure out, like what your next steps are like, we're ending the short term, and it's like, heads up would have been nice. Yeah, this is like a, this is like a major decision, you know, and it heads up would have been nice. So, and again, you know, it's tough to because you get a pressure like at the hospital, like I was, like, under pressure, because they were like, Oh, you got to make a decision. And then like, short term rehab was the same deal. Like, Oh, you gotta make decision. And, you know, it was at that time, I'm like, alright, and they said, they mentioned the goal. We also have like, a long term, long term care here. And I'm like, alright, well, I guess we'll move them there. And then, you know, I was on a different floor. So when we go to visit them the first time, like, Yeah, I'm like, there's not enough help here for patients. Like, I mean, I noticed that right away. So then, you know, we kind of went back and forth was like, more, can you move back upstairs to short term rehab, like, will pay for that? And she's like, No, she's like, he's downstairs now. So I was like, alright, so started checking around, and we ended up moving them to a facility closer to us. But that was like, a whole process too. Because like, you know, a bunch of them closed and Massachusetts. So it's like, you know, the not a lot of beds going around. So you know, it was it was just a lot of following up and you know, a lot of smile and dial and just call in different places and stuff like that. And, and talking to people too, and getting their feedback and stuff.

JJ: 26:22

How long did that take? The move price? Because it was it Uber you just called or was it?

Natalie: 26:29

Did you know? Did you have to wait?

Unknown: 26:32

We lucked out. So it was like, I think it was like three to four months. And like a bed just opened up. And I was just like, kind of a nuisance to them. Like I will give it to this guy. Like he keeps a call up. You know, so. Yeah, so so we liked that.

Natalie: 26:46

nuisance. But I call that persistently polite. Exactly.

Unknown: 26:53

We have to be like that, though. Yeah, that to get things done, you know, so, yeah, we lucked out with that. Because I mean, you know, but I mean, after that, like we were doing it the Medicare the it's called MassHealth. In Massachusetts.

Natalie: 27:08

It's the Medicare Advantage plans. Yeah. And the application and I'm assuming, so your dad is then now placed in? Did he go to assisted living? Or did he go to skilled nursing? Oh, no, he had skilled nursing. He so he had gotten to he progressed to the window of time that he needed skilled nursing, and was in a memory care unit, where the doors were locked, because I didn't know if he was a wonder. Yeah.

Unknown: 27:29

Okay, so so my dad actually, so after his fall, he lost the ability to walk. Because that's the thing that I, you know, I found out with my mom is, if you have like, dementia and Parkinson's, if you're in the, in the hospital for a while, a lot of times, like if you're gonna have to walk. So that's the thing. So like, you know, that's what, you know, happened to my, my dad. So, you know, he was confined to a wheelchair at that point.

Natalie: 27:53

How old was he? If

Unknown: 27:54

you don't mind me asking. So he was 74 or 76? When he passed, so But when this was going on, so he was probably like, yeah, it is. late 60s, early 70s.

Natalie: 28:06

So I hadn't heard that it makes perfect sense that you would forget how Yeah, do you know what I mean? Like that. I mean, that's part of the coolness of the illnesses, is that you? You know, we talked with our doctor Barbu, who is our mom's neurologist, and it's an you don't die from Parkinson's, you die from some other things, the complications of the side effects of you know what I mean? So, right,

Unknown: 28:30

right. And that's just kind of something that leads like people listen to the pod is kind of keep that in mind is, you know, if, God forbid, like your parents or your loved one has to spend time in the hospital, and they have, you know, Parkinson's or dementia, stuff like that, that can be a possibility for them where it's like, they might not be, they might not remember how to walk, and, you know, so they kind of have to kind of keep that in mind. You know, as well, because I never, never thought of that, you know, that actually, it really didn't hit until my mom went to the ER, she went to the hospital, I mean, and she was in there for a couple days. And they're like, they were saying, like, she's probably not gonna remember how to walk. So that was just kind of like, like, I never even thought of that. That's kind of kicking myself. But

JJ: 29:11

I know when we've had situations like that, because mom definitely has been in the hospital multiple times. A lot of that has to do when they move out in the facility as well. And when you were talking about the facility you moved him out of it is about staffing and being able, you know, a retrain of just being able to be staffed and up to get her up and out. Right. And when that staffing is low, it's it's sad that she'll either be left in the bed and or just here's your wheelchair, this is safe. You're not a fall risk. Right. And so that is that's a sad truth that some of those facilities are just sort of short staffed.

Unknown: 29:49

Totally, totally. Yeah.

Natalie: 29:52

If you don't have someone though, you could live in the home though. You could live in the home and live by yourself. And you're not. You don't have one to visitors necessarily, you could ultimately end up sending a lot. So I think, you know, it's kind of like, it's as we age, it's really around. Wherever you reside, you really need to have lots of contact you need and it needs to be meaningful contact that involves movement. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So you guys, so what is how is your schedule shifting? Because we, you know, this is really about caregivers, you know, what are you what's going on now, as your dad is progressing? And so you're dealing with your mom, who is still living in the home? And your dad? So did your life get a little bit more complicated? Since you're got two people at two places? And one? Yeah,

Unknown: 30:44

yeah. It did. It was just kind of like, to be honest, it's like, most of my attention went towards my dad, because he was the one that needed the most help. And, you know, we're trying to get this application done, which took us a year, like it's five year look back. So he was the focus, but then I was like, also kind of keep an eye on my mom and stuff like that, cuz I didn't know it was like, once, once he went into the hospital, like she started slowing down. But, um, so that's where even though like my mom, like, at that time, she was still driving, and she was mobile. I was like, I'm keeping the aid. I'm like, I'm not gonna like, because I kind of felt like she needed that. And that that'd be kind of, and we became friends. And she would, she would tell me, like, you know, things that were going on and stuff like that. So it was just nice, kind of having that peace of mind. So we ended up just keeping it and we just kind of, we just, you know, kind of reduced the hours you had to come. You know, I think it was like twice a week, you know, so

Natalie: 31:42

hold that thought, sure. We're gonna take a break. I don't know about you. But my inbox is always cluttered with useless emails. But there's one, always open the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter. You may say, Natalie, what makes you so special? Well, I'm biased, but don't just take my word for it. Here's what our subscribers say they love. First, it comes once per month, and you can read it in under five minutes. Next, you'll find amazing tips and resources to use in your everyday life. And who doesn't love a recommendation the sisters do, which is why we share sister approved products and discount leads to save you time and money. And of course, your first know about the upcoming months confessions, just like our show, you're guaranteed to relate. Be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources and of course, lab, go to our website Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com to sign up for our newsletter today.

JJ: 32:50

Hey, everybody, we're back. We're here with Paul. And we have been talking about the need for movement and interaction, regardless of your location, whether you're in skilled nursing or assisted living or even at home, that helps. So

Natalie: 33:05

now Paul's parents are living separately. It's almost like filing taxes. So married, but separate. And so you're having as the son and with your sister, but you're the primary it sounds like you're the primary caregiver and your sister is is really trying to say she supports your parents but supports you. I would assume I'm assuming you guys are having lots of text messaging conversations.

Unknown: 33:28

Oh, yeah. Fourth, yep. Totally. Yeah. I'm

Natalie: 33:30

assuming these are on the side, even sometimes from your parents. Yes.

Unknown: 33:34

Yeah. Yeah, we're having like, you know, we will always have like debriefing conversations, like after seeing them or something like that, you know, so, you know, it was gonna be interesting to Yeah, it's interesting, though, too. Because like, there's always a shift, because like, my parents, like, oh, you can put us in a nursing home, and we'll be fine. And then as they got older, they're like, you don't want to go on nursing home. Like we want to stay home. And so, you know, it was like, total 180. You know, certain? Yeah,

Natalie: 34:03

I guess you didn't know. You're like, so I lost my thought for a second. Okay. You got

JJ: 34:13

that? Okay. Well, I My question is, as was there any conflict between disagreement between your parents and you? Like, were you getting any? No, I don't want to do that. Or did they play you and your sister of one another? That's a good issue sometimes or not? Did they trust your agreements? Yeah. Your decisions? Yeah. They

Unknown: 34:34

trusted us. Like they knew like, you know, that. We wanted to keep them at home too. Yeah, you know, and so now there weren't any. The biggest the biggest thing that we had to deal with was my mom sitting at home. She's like, that sounds like I think that's yeah, that's Yeah, yeah. No other than that, like we lucked out. Like my parents are board they trusted our decision making and stuff if anything, they probably would have been like Oh, like the probably would have had, like, the aid stopped by less. But we're like, no, let's just kind of keep things as is. If they call out like we'll stop by but yeah, so thankfully, they were very easy when it came to that. Yeah, yes.

JJ: 35:14

I feel like mom's gotten a little more obstinate Natalie. She's gotten.

Natalie: 35:17

I don't know that she got, like, I don't think that's I don't think that's what I want. I think that's what you're gonna think it was exactly what it was. There's a reason that I'm just like, No, no, I can see it. No, but Paul, do

JJ: 35:29

you think? Okay, now?

Natalie: 35:30

I do. I do have a question. Are there things? And I think about this, because we've helped our mom and we're curls. But a lot in this is the male caregiver series. So are there activities of daily living that you had to assist your dad with as you got older? That was like, I didn't think I'd be doing this. Are there things that you thought? I am not believing? I am doing this right now?

Unknown: 35:54

Only once, actually. And that was it. So I was like, I was very lucky when? When it came to that. So you know, no, I mean, now with my mom, like, there were a few instances, but I was actually lucky. My wife was there with me. My wife's like, Oh, don't worry about it. I'll take care of it. So, ya know, I left out when it came to that, that, you know, aspects. Yeah.

JJ: 36:17

That Natalie and Natalie and I are like, Okay, that was a good. So

Natalie: 36:20

we can't believe you only had one time.

JJ: 36:22

I know. Yeah. So I guess Paul, you know, we first talked to you, you talked about lessons, things that you learned obstacles with your dad, like when you first learned and you carried a lot of those over with your mom, can you talk to me about some of those things, because there's a lot of things that are men, caregivers, they don't always win when they walk into a doctor's office, even if your wife were in there as well, they would talk immediately to your wife, they would never think that you are a caregiver. But are there obstacles, things that you saw things that you would say, Hey, guys, I need to pass this on to you feelings that you've had, what can you pass on?

Unknown: 36:58

You know, like, that's a great question. I was the biggest one, you know, to me was like, just, you know, I think we tend just to beat ourselves up. And I kind of felt like, oh, like, why don't I see that common? Like, with mom and dad or? I should have been on top of that, like, you know, I would say like, I would say that. But I mean, I think just kind of caregiving in general, like people always kind of like, kick themselves a little bit. Just be like, Oh, I should have done that for, you know, for mom and dad or whatever. Yeah, you know, I think, jeez, I can't think of anything really, besides that off the top of my head. But yeah,

Natalie: 37:36

well, so here's the thing. I asked Paul, to think of some tips beforehand.

JJ: 37:41

Yes, true. That's true. Yep. He laid them out. Actually,

Natalie: 37:44

there are some very actually good tips. And I'm not gonna do half of them. So I'm gonna make some mentions. Say, can you expand? So one with your dad being a long term care facility? Let's talk about that. You mentioned keeping staff on their toes by going to different visiting times. Yeah. Why?

Unknown: 38:01

Yeah. You know, so I just noticed that, you know, that the people that didn't stop by that the residents weren't, didn't get as much care, as opposed to the ones where they saw people stopping by. I did it too, though, just to make sure everything was was good that, you know, that they were my dad was being you know, bathed and you know, he's been shaved, and he was clean. And, you know, everything was everything was on the up and up. And so yeah, I stopped by like, whenever I would see, I'd say to myself, I don't want me to stop by to come Tuesday, like two o'clock normally. So I'm like, you don't want to stop by at six o'clock? You know, just to see what's going on and stuff. So yeah, I would just keep them on their toes. And I know, like, the staff notice that because they're always like, oh, like, you're always here. And you know, and I kind of felt like that was like, alright, well, listen, like if you have to allocate resources. Well, we know like, Paul Paul Jr. or SR, someone's gonna be by to visit him. So let's, you know, make sure he's good. So, you know, that's a big one. Because also too, though, I just kind of want to see like, you know, what they're doing, like, what the residents and stuff like that you don't know until you stop by visiting at different times and stuff. Right. So and so

Natalie: 39:10

I think this is the other thing that you in indicated that there are companies that are adding care concierge and their care consultants, there's all kinds of care and we did not know this until I don't know, Jay, how you even found this care consultant to help us when we placed we talked to mom and placed her in an assisted living facility. We had no clue about the entire world because exactly when we were young, you know, honestly, there was no assisted livings. And we only thought and everybody had said from generation this is totally generational pass down. You go to skilled nursing facilities to die. Our mother knew when she was getting when she went that last March that basically we're putting her out to pasture and and she was like no told us. That's what she did. Oh, yeah, she totally told us that. I'm going to die. Call hospice now. But she asked for help. spas a lot. And the doctors keep saying, Connie, you're you're not there.

JJ: 40:03

And then she listen, then she goes in place being really she's really fine. She's good. It is guilt. She's passing on the guilt. It's totally for me. Yeah.

Natalie: 40:12

So did you use it? Because I know you're what you indicated was companies are adding care concierge to their employee benefits. Right? Did you get to use that? I mean, honestly, I'm like, wait a second, you're an entrepreneur, You're your own person. Yeah,

Unknown: 40:25

no, I didn't even know about this stuff. This is the stuff like I wish I knew, you know. Yeah, I mean, so there's one I know, wealthy, and they have a care concierge service, I guess in the cool thing with that is, with their stories, like I think 80% of the company's caregivers, and they hire like, love the people that work with them have a guest, social worker background, stuff like that. So, but a lot of companies like are adding these types of services. Because, you know, caregiving is like, you know, such a huge problem right now with all these companies and to attract and retain staff, like companies need to add these types of services. And a lot of times, I think people aren't even aware that HR offers these things. So it's definitely worth like, you know, if you work at a bigger company, like to check in with HR and see what type of you know, caregiving, if they have any, you know, concierge services or anything, you know, along those lines,

Natalie: 41:17

and not just EAP. So this is I think this is kind of important. Yes, you can get EAP, I chose not to get it because my belief of EAP was six counseling, so badly defined EAP for every employee assistance program, or sometimes they're called La p, which is life assistance program. But I did not think that I could use it because most people believe that these employee assistance programs that are subcontracted out and they're confidential. So that's really important to understand. If you ask your HR department, hey, I'm interested in this. It's confidential, it does not go back to your employer about why you're receiving it, and you are entitled to have it if your employer offers it. It is not a requirement, though, for employers to pick up EAP or L AP. And so you're right, Paul, there's a lot of additional services that these folks are doing. But also, you're right about wealthy and I think there's parallel, there's a number, we can put those in the show notes as well, like different types of care concierge. But you're right to absolutely look at your benefits, because this should be like the more we ask for it in the hiring process, or even Okay, now, I'm a caregiver, go to your HR. Because I know there's a lot of fear around retribution, like oh, well, you know, people might not get promoted. And I heard somebody yesterday, Paul, that was talking about, they gave her leeway. But then they were like, and when she came back to work, she was on the fast track up, and suddenly the track ran out. And she was you know, and that's a fear. I think that is a real fear that we talk about. I can't believe our time is already up. I think it's because we laughed so much at the beginning. And we're gonna pause, it doesn't matter. Like we and we're gonna have, here's the thing, we've got extra content we're going to have after the confession, we're going to stick around and keep talking to Paul for a sec. So here's time for Sister questions. Jay, I'm ready to go first.

JJ: 43:20

I'm stealing one of yours. So we always ask this. Natalie was asking though, what would you tell your younger self? Something you wish that you that? You know, now? What would you tell that person about your caregiving experience about anything? To make life a little bit easier?

Unknown: 43:40

Oh, yeah, honestly, just like, enjoy life, you know, especially when you have like, no responsibilities. And like my parents, so my parents were all about, we're gonna sacrifice now. So when we retire, we can spend our golden years traveling and all that stuff, and they were never able to do it. Like I'm sitting there. I think about it sometimes. Like, if I just go back in time, like I would have told them do those trips. Now, if you don't know what's going to happen, like, you know, they're always so worried about, like, we got to make sure we have enough money for retirement, isn't that like, you know, and it's like, for what, so you can spend it for, you know, long term care and, you know, like, enjoy life, you know, that that will be like my big thing is because, you know, wow, you know, can't get you can't be like, Oh, well, I'm gonna wait until I retired and we're gonna travel you don't know what's, what can happen. You know, things can change really quick.

Natalie: 44:25

That's probably one of the best pieces of advice that I've respectfully to everybody that I've heard, because it's so true. I mean, Jason was 55 when he got cancer. Wow. Like, seriously, you have no clue when things is gonna things are gonna happen and how that's going to kind of and people can say, Oh, well want to save up money, so I don't have to worry about it. I'm like, take the trip. I agree with all Yeah, yeah, trip. So Okay, one last question. Sure. She knows what it is. Besides the dancing dog on Instagram. Okay. What is your face? Favorite guilty pleasure the thing that you do just for you. Oh,

Unknown: 45:04

so there's actually a restaurant I love to go to and they have these pork buns. So it actually it was it was by my dad's nursing home. So what I would do a lot of times it's like, I'll go see him and then like, I'll go down there, sit at the bar, grab a drink, have some pork buns. Love that the best pork buns in the world are pork belly buns. They were amazing. Oh my god. And then they have these saved oysters to the big boisterous are awesome. So like, what's the name of the restaurant? Because this way we can be shameless about it. So it's called Solstice and Kingston mass. Oh, solstice in

Natalie: 45:37

Kingston mass. Fri, we're promoting you. We're making Kingston mass now. Oh, my God, this is a great, okay. Okay. We have more to come stick around for after the confession. But Paul, thanks so much. And we are going to get back with you tomorrow to talk about because your your caregiving journey is just beginning. Like, totally dad was something. Wait till you meet his mama. So, guys, thanks so much for listening in until we confess again. Thanks. See. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again, till then take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sister's night at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors, or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.