Through Thick and Thin: A Caregiver's Love Story

Will Durocher, a devoted husband and caregiver, shares his heartfelt story of caring for his wife, Teresa. After several years of marriage, Teresa was diagnosed with dementia. Their love story began at church, where they formed a deep bond rooted in their shared faith. As Teresa's condition progressed, Will took on the primary caregiver role, navigating complex systems such as Medicaid to ensure she received the necessary support. 

Caring for Teresa presented challenges, but Will found solace in providing small acts of kindness each day, bringing comfort to her. Even after Teresa's passing, her legacy continued to inspire Will through letters and stories that revealed her generous nature. Will attributes his strength and resilience during this difficult time to his unwavering faith. While deeply missing Teresa, Will finds solace in working on his classic car and connecting with others who understand the unique challenges of caregiving. This helps him cope with his loss while honoring Teresa's cherished memory.

About Will:

Will Duroucher's life changed drastically in 2010. Just a few years after marrying his sweetheart, Theresa, she was diagnosed with dementia. Will became her primary caregiver and jumped into learning about dementia and how to help Theresa. He talked to other caregivers and read everything he could find on the topic. There's no one-size-fits-all guide for caregivers, so Will has had to learn and adapt as he goes. It's a tough job, but Will is resilient and compassionate and always puts Theresa first.

When Will's not taking care of Theresa, he likes to relax by doing yard work. He finds it meditative and reflective. He also enjoys restoring a classic 1950s Mercury car. It's a challenging project, but it's something he's passionate about and feel a sense of accomplishment. 

Transcript

Natalie: 0:02

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate the inspired lead with helpful tips and resources and of course, laughs Now, let's get to today's confession. Morning this JJ, how are you doing?

JJ: 0:32

Good morning, Natalie. I'm wonderful. What? What song are you going to sing for me today?

Natalie: 0:41

Our guest actually said, Oh, no,

JJ: 0:44

I didn't even prompt him to say Oh, no. So y'all know how I feel about Natalie's singing but Well,

Natalie: 0:49

I think we all know my favorite song, which is

JJ: 0:52

good morning. Good morning. It's great to see you, JJ. Good morning. Good morning to you. Thank you. Every Well, every every morning, she gives me that well, so we do have a guest. I'm so excited. I'm

Natalie: 1:11

so excited. And I am. I'm beyond excited about will joining us. So Jay, you've got to tell our guests about our guests confessor.

Unknown: 1:21

Well, now your your your volume is low.

JJ: 1:25

Oh, Nadler, you gotta you have to lean back for me. Yeah.

Unknown: 1:30

I gotta remember. Oh,

Natalie: 1:32

yeah, that's right. That's right. Jay, tell us about well, okay.

JJ: 1:37

So today we're talking with will DeRosa. Now will how'd I do on that last name? They're pretty

Unknown: 1:43

good. Okay, because people have trouble with that. I

JJ: 1:47

know. I was a little worried. So we met him through the caregiving stories told by his stepson, George. And once we heard those stories, we had to get George on. So we'll married George is mom in 2010. But only a few years later into the marriage, she started her road through dementia. Now as a primary caregiver. He was always talking to people trying to learn what to do or what people were going through reading what he could to improve the circumstances, because there is absolutely no manual on caregivers. So well, we are so happy to have you here today. So we'll we know that you got you met Teresa a little later in life. But we want to we want to hear a little bit about that story. Like how you met. We like love stories. So we do. Tell us how you met. And you know a little bit about that, that backstory for caregiving.

Will: 2:58

Well, the church that I was going to was faith Baptist Church, and I was in the choir. And then we did our Christmas songs like we all do every year. And George's stepdaughter that lives with us, she was at that church too. And that's how they got to that church to for the music, the Christmas music and, and the most of the time, women today don't wear a hat and church anymore. And here and here was Teresa with a hat on her head. And I spotted that, but I really didn't pay much attention to it. And then when when we were all done, everybody went home. And then I think it was a week later. There was a ballet at the Regent University a Christmas ballet. And one of the girls that went to the church I was going to was in ballet with their daughter, Rachel. So I went to see Marquette and they came to see Rachel and then I spotted that hat again. I spotted that nice beautiful woman with the hat again. Oh, so I'm sitting a few rows back and when they had intermission she came walking up and she looked at me and I looked at her and we said hello to each other. And then when the when the when the show was over when the ballet was over, you know how everybody gathers up at the forum and watch it talk about the beautiful music and the bat dancing and stuff. And then we got to talk and and almost wanted to go out and have coffee together. But the George says no, you better just come home with us and we'll you know get together later on. You Yeah, he

Unknown: 4:50

was he was guarding his money. Look at look at him garden is Mom I know. We started we exchanged in the I'm British, and we started talking to each other and, and finally, after about six months of talking and dating, I said, you know, we wanted to get married.

Natalie: 5:12

Okay, well, how old were you guys? Because I'm dying to know that this wasn't young love will we're not saying that you're an older gentleman second love this is this is finding the second love evidence. Well,

Unknown: 5:23

how? I will I will tell you this is my third marriage. Okay, I've had two already. And the marriages that before were my daughter's mother and we went only went to a justice of the peace to get married. And then the other marriage was my son's mother. And we same thing, we went to a chapel at a casino up in Silver City, Nevada, and we got married that way. But this was different. This was, this was I was a born again, Christian. And so was Teresa. And the way we met in a church. I knew that God put us together. I knew 100% And I tell people all the time, that and this is the God's honest truth. I never loved anybody as much as I love Teresa.

Natalie: 6:18

Oh, that's gonna make me cry. J I love that. I love love stories. I'm a sucker for it, though. It was.

Unknown: 6:26

I loved her. I loved her as much as almost as much I love the Lord. That's all my wow, I knew God put us together. I knew it. Yeah.

Natalie: 6:38

I love that. No. Okay. So I have to ask, How old were you guys when you are met?

Unknown: 6:43

I think I was. What are you gonna figure 13 Maybe 13 years ago. So subtract 13 from 96. She was her age was 96 when she passed.

Natalie: 6:58

And so you're in your 70s Teresa was a little older than you wasn't. She wasn't. You weren't in your in your seven. Yeah. And she was in her 80s. Teresa was I'm gonna tell you people. We've got the photo that will send over. I mean, Teresa was a look.

Unknown: 7:15

Beautiful. She had. She was a classy woman she had. She was an awesome woman. I mean, she just when I learned a lot about her after she passed, because I started going to all the cards and letters that she would get. I was getting from people all these years. And it was just amazing how she always had a smile on her face. She always she had a beautiful penmanship. She wrote a lot of letters, just like it reminded me of the old days before we had all this fancy cell phones and, you know, phones and all that, and wireless and stuff. And it was just, it was just I learned a lot about her after she passed. Yeah. But I learned a lot about her during the time we were married to and it was, it was a blessing to it. And before I met her, this was another thing that was crossing my mind. Before I met her for about six months. Before I met her, I had this, this, this idea going through my head that I wanted to do something like take care of somebody. And then she comes along.

Natalie: 8:35

That's that's that's the Lord's handiwork. He was getting you ready. We're not

Unknown: 8:39

kidding. So that was the best. That was the best marriage a man could ever have. And I learned a lot about caring about caring for people. Because when I took care of her and sometimes I didn't even realize what I was doing, but But you know, it was all God's doing. It was It is it was beautiful. And then the George tells you that I have a hobby also. No, well, he what kind of hobby do I have an antique card that I work on?

JJ: 9:11

That's kinda like caregiving to honestly, there's a lot of love there and some patients will I wish

Unknown: 9:18

you had that picture of his mother sitting in that car. It brings you way back. But anyway, it was it was so hard. I never had the experience of having somebody die in front of me. It was it was it was so difficult. And I still today and not glad she's gone because it was such a big job. I am not going to be like that. I'm never going to be that way. I was so happy. I was glad to be able to do it. It was hard in the end. But I knew all along that this was meant to be You know, it all happened because of the Lord. So

JJ: 10:05

you all were married, but she at the time she was, you know, you guys were were going about early marriage. But she started she didn't start really going through the dementia journey. Until a couple years after you all were married. When did you start seeing those signs? Or what? Yeah, what what kind of gave it away? Like, what did you get, say, you know, what's going on? Like, there's something different what, what were those signs?

Unknown: 10:29

You know, you're right, I didn't really see it in the beginning, but when I went up there to visit her before we got married, I remember going, going to IHOP for breakfast in her car. And she was driving, and I thought that she was going to a red light, almost, you know, and the intersection was so big, that by the time you would get over to the other side to take a left hand turn, that you did go into the red light. And I noticed that, you know, I thought I didn't really think that much of it. But that's when I started thinking, you know, there's something wrong here. And, and then because she was kind of easy going in a hurry, type of person, you know, and didn't want to wait. And then and then when I and then when we were together, we I would we would drive somewhere and she would say what are you stopping for? And I'm a stoplight. You know? And so it didn't it didn't it wasn't right at the beginning. Yeah, but it started after a few years after we got married. We were married. Yeah. Yeah.

Natalie: 11:38

So you thought Theresa, we need to go to the doctor. I think there's something going on. Like is that is that kind of happened and they say this is what the hurt that we think are diagnosis. Yeah.

Unknown: 11:49

I just had to bring her to the doctor's and then we they started telling me she was having headaches. And I we took her in for that. And then they started figuring it out that she had dementia. Yeah. Were

Natalie: 12:10

you in Teresa at the time living with your son in law?

Unknown: 12:15

No, we were we were living where I was living. I had a good setup where I was staying at. And they had extended their house to make it bigger. So we have a better better bathroom. And I was managing this property for my ex boss. Had a nice setup there. I was making money scrap meddling. I was making money there and managing this property and operating heavy equipment and everything like that. It was kind of fun doing that kind of work that was different than when I'm used to work. Doing. Yeah, yeah. And so we were we were we were living there. We're kind of having fun. We were close to the church, I was going to the stores were close by and everything a doctor's office wasn't that far away. So we were doing pretty good there. And then it started getting worse it started getting to, to where she would walk up the dirt, the gravel road, and then stood a stain over to the side when a truck was coming out of the parking lot to go on the street to take off, she would be in a way. And that wasn't good. I mean, I had, that's when I started. You know, I started thinking boy, I don't know what to do here. Yeah. And then it got to the point where every time a trucking company came, a new company came, they needed a room to make an office and they would take rooms from the house. The first house I was living and then they started taking from the other house. And then finally, they gave me enough time like a month and a half to tell me that they needed the whole house and that's how we had to finally move away. And I knew I knew about you know living here with George and Patti and they eat my like extra Bosch is mechanics and they even helped me move here. Oh, that's wonderful. Yeah, because I couldn't never handle the refrigerator and things like that by myself and they really helped me a lot. And then my boss gave me to told me I could keep the key for the shop till the day I die. Well, you know, God was working with me all along for a long time. And so every I live I live my dream I lived a lot of dreams. You know, I never thought I'd have a car again either. And then and then I and then I started thinking it's so hard to work on it anymore. It's getting more difficult to work on it and do things and I'm used to working hard all my life but I'm getting it's really getting more difficult. You know, we're gonna have to move here and come on home. Yeah,

JJ: 14:51

well, you need a break. You know, George you know if you maybe get an assistant to help you with the car. Exactly.

Natalie: 14:57

Well, I'm speaking to break we're going to take a break Just real quick and we'll be right back.

Unknown: 15:05

If you like confessions, we have another podcast we'd love to recommend the happy healthy caregiver podcast with Elizabeth Miller as a fellow homecare network podcaster. We love how Elizabeth chatted up with family caregivers and dives into their caregiving and self care strategies. Just like us. Elizabeth believes that family caregivers are the experts in caregiving. Beyond the informative conversations, Elizabeth reveals the tried and true resources and practical self care tips that empower caregivers to prioritize their health and happiness. You can find the happy, healthy caregiver podcast wherever you download your favorite podcast, or go to the website at Happy Healthy caregiver.com. Hi,

JJ: 15:52

everybody, thanks for coming back. Today we are talking with will. And he is telling us a love story. But he's also telling us about the journey with his wife, Teresa. And we are at the point where Theresa has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's with dementia, Alzheimer's. And she has she's they've they've moved in with his stepson, they

Natalie: 16:15

decide to move in like so. So I'm gonna tell you, George says you guys should move in with us now was George and them helping you guys at all, when you were living elsewhere? Or George and Patty helping out? No,

Unknown: 16:29

really, I had everything. I had everything under control myself, I would. You know, I probably you know, the Lord was there helping me, you know, to treat and teaching me how to deal with this. Maybe it was just you know him. And it wasn't really that hard. And then I was going to church and everything. And one of the things that happened there is that when she would go to the bathroom, and the church would make a mess in there. And finally a bunch of ladies got upset about it. And they told the pastor, and they came to me and told me that you know, they had a place for, for seniors to go they had a third bathroom. But there was a lot of seniors in the church. And when they were in there, she wouldn't wait. She didn't want to wait to go in there. Yeah, see. So funny. We had to stop going to church there. And that was one. That was one of the things that I had to deal with that I didn't like too much. But you know, I understood. And then we ended up we did go to, I did bring it to this church over here where we were going out, but it didn't work good anymore. So we started. I would Patti would take care of her in the morning on Sunday. And I go to church, and then I come home and she go to her church after. And so that all that worked out pretty good for a while. But it was mixed emotions. I mean, you just some days were really good. Some days were awesome. Some days were not so good. You know, there was stuff I had to do that I didn't never thought I'd ever have to do in my life. But would

Natalie: 18:12

you mind sharing? Would you mind sharing that? Well? What are some of the things that you what are some of the things that you didn't expect? I think when you got married because trust me, I got you on that too. There are some things I didn't expect that I have to do for my husband when he was sick. And I was like,

Unknown: 18:27

Yeah, I'm gonna do that. Yeah, what happened? What happened after a while we had a nice we have a really nice stand up shower. It's a big, big shower. And in the beginning, I could take the shower with me and I could help her do her hair for her and and watch her back and everything. And then after a while, I'd say maybe a year after she she started to not love not like to be naked in front of somebody. Yeah, that was hard to get her to come into the shower after a while. Yeah, so of course some years later go by and it's getting close to the end and I had to I had to sponge bath or a lot of times and that wasn't one and then sometimes she would have happened not diarrhea but she would have that problem with going to the bathroom and and dumping her in her pants that she had to wear you know those pants that you buy in order packages of paper on the wear. And that was a mess, you know to clean that. But you did it but you were able to do it. Because Well yeah.

JJ: 19:39

We say the same thing about our mom and we have a lot of those difficulties with our mom but it is you don't really think about it. You look in your past and you're like Oh, I did that. I know Natalie's done that she's crawled in the floor because mom got sick and a bathroom stall. But you just do it because well that's our mom, that's your wife and you don't really it's not something you ever thought you do. Well, but you just do it. I mean, because that's why I didn't think

Natalie: 20:03

I had a choice. Be honest with you the idea that I could say, Well, I'm not going to crawl under there and go help mom never really occurred to me, I'd be like, well, we got to get her out of here.

Unknown: 20:13

Nobody, there was nobody to help me. I mean, you know, and I enjoyed good jobs, they Patty leaves early in the morning, you know, and I'm, I'm, I'm all, we're here all by ourselves, I have to do it. But you know, after you done it, and she's all nice, and I clean her, like, I clean myself. I mean, I'm a clean person, I just can't stand being grumpy, you know, and I just, I just took care of her. I was glad after was all done, I cleaned her show so well and, and put clean clothes on her. And it made her feel, I felt like, I feel comfortable now that she's clean. You know, that's the way I thought, you know, I wanted to, I wanted her to be comfortable. I can't stand her be miserable. And, and then we're and then what, as time went by, she would wet her pants at night in bed. And then we had to put that thing on the mattress so that wouldn't get in the mattress. And then after that it was she would get up sometimes in the morning earlier than I did. And she would go sit on a couch. And then she started messing up the pillow on the couch. So I could take the covers off and I could wash them. But I would take a towel, I would take bath towels and I would put them on the couch. she'd sit on there. And she was such a neat clean woman all her life. She would take the towel every once in a while she'd sit on it, then another time, she'd just take the towel and fold it all up and put it away.

Natalie: 21:51

It's on the couch towels aren't meant to be on the couch. Thinking about it. She's like, this doesn't make any sense. So

Unknown: 21:56

we dealt when I dealt with that for a long time. Yeah, and but you were you just do it you can use and I made a lot of people. At my age, I'm beating a lot of people. I go cruising with my car. And I'm most of the guys are all my age doing this stuff. And we talked about the same thing. And and everybody everybody says the same thing. They all say if I had to do it over again, I would I would do it over again. You know, you know

JJ: 22:23

the people that we talk to their male caregivers, men, they don't talk a lot. Everybody thinks a caregiver is only a woman. And the men that's the reason we're doing this series will is because we feel like it's beneficial when men get to talk to men about those issues. Do you feel it is good for you to get out crews, but help those men out there? Need to Talk? Yeah,

Unknown: 22:48

I talk a lot about it. I kind of wait till people open the door. You know, I don't I don't want to push people. i Don't be nosy and ask them. But it just happens. They just did. They just willing to talk about it. You know, and I have had a lot of experiences with people that that died. That really tore me up. I had a I had a close friend that I used to go to that other church with that had that had a Monday night thing. And it was for people that were having problems with drugs and drinking and stuff like that. And I just thought I'd go to it, you know. And so Terry, and I would go to that class. Sometimes we were the only one he and his wife and my wife and I would be the only ones not very many people wanted to do that. But we got really close him and I he had a he had hot rods too. And all that yet and the wonderful family and I met the whole family were good people. And he got sick, he got cancer, really bad. And they showed the cat they showed he decided he had cancer so bad that it was in his bones. And he decided at his age he was over and I was that's only a couple of years ago that he was not going to get healed because he couldn't he was going to he figured it was his time that the Lord wanted to take them home as to how we that was his attitude. So they they set him up in a hospice in his house. And they showed this thing on Facebook. They showed the whole thing I saw him and it really tore me up really turned me up. And then I have another friend that I wrote. He in us and I in 1966 left Connecticut and went to California on our motorcycles. And he died the the year after he died. And then my son's mother. She died too last year. I went to a lot of it was really hard dealing with that when all that and that was Gabriel and then And then then we got Gabriel than the family. He's, you know, he has a nice young wife with three beautiful kids and live up in Chicago and then he died. He's only 38 years old. It's just just goes on and on. And it seems like when you're getting to be up in age, a, you know, a lot of people your age, and they're all going you know, just kind of it's kind of, you know, you expect it, it's scary. It, it keeps you up at night sometimes and all these things. And if I didn't have that car out in the garage and wasn't doing something, I don't know where I'd be today. I don't think I don't think that I could deal with all this with the one of the things that I have a hard time with even today is it's a long driveway. And when I get out of the house, start walking up to the street to get the mail or something. I think about Terry, and then I took when I went on the way back, I'm looking at that big house I live in and I know she's not there. That's hard. Yeah.

Natalie: 26:06

Yeah, ask you this. Well, when Theresa started getting when she started getting ill, and you go to the doctors and things like that together, did they offer any kind of training, or these are support groups to help you know what to do? Because I know this is unkind of uncharted territory for you. How did you learn about the things that you needed to do? did? Was there training or anything?

Unknown: 26:34

Well, you know, in the beginning, I didn't know what to do. This was all new to me, you know, this whole thing was all new, to to have somebody love so much, and then have her get sick. It was it was all new to me. And I didn't know what to do. And then I, when I started trying to help try to do some I didn't know what to do, you know. So, you know, towards the end, it was George it was George and Patti. Mostly Georgia did all the work. But we had a hard time to get, we would do the paperwork. I think I had somebody come here to work on Medicaid. And it was always we had too much money. There's always too much money in the bank. And so because her and I had a decent wages, and we have decent social security and, and then being not going anywhere and not doing anything. You don't have no house payment, you don't have no car payments, we did well. But you have to be$2,000 in the bank and no more than that. And, and so we I did the paperwork one time, and they said we got too much money. So that went on for a couple three years. And then finally got worse and George started helping. You know, I asked him I told him my chance, I said, I need your help you guys are the ones that are really good with the computer. I'm not and it's it's this is where it's gonna take, you can't just do it over the phone, you know, you got to you got to be able to do a lot of paperwork, a lot of work on the computer, on the laptop. And I was just starting to learn that laptop and cell phone and all that. I still don't know what as good as I should. But he's the one that helped me. And then even when George did it, if we left one little thing out, they would disqualify us. And then we have to start all over and wait those two, three months again. Yeah, and we just kept doing it. Finally, we got to the point where I got the money down. And what happened is we are showing some paperwork, yet to show both sides of three sheets, three, three papers. And we only showed the main one. And that wasn't enough, they wanted to see all three, both sides. So we had to do that all over again. And that was a struggle, and finally got to Medicaid, you know. And then of course, when she fell when she finally fell in the house and George George again, got online and started finding out that she could qualify for hospice. And that was when she was in the hospital and in the end and then, boy, they did a beautiful job of taking care of people to hospitals. People are awesome.

Natalie: 29:39

I love that. Jay, I'm gonna take a quick break, and we'll be right back. Hey, ladies, I need to interrupt for just a second to share about the sisterhood membership. It's basically a sale every day and the best part, it's free. Here's the details. We're partnering with our friends at benefit hub and other care partners to save you money with over 200,000 participating companies across the US and abroad. You'll find discounts at your favorite local stores, huge savings on vacations, amazing deals on home auto and supplemental insurances, and everything in between. Go to Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com to sign up, and then definitely tell your friends about it. They can join to trust me, there's a discount for everyone. And don't forget, it's free. Okay, back to confessing.

JJ: 30:36

Hey, everybody, we are back, we're talking with will about their journey with his wife, Terry Teresa. And they did eventually, um, she did eventually get assistance from hospice. But will I have a question? So you have it sounds like you've got a team of sorts. You've got George, you've got his wife, Patty. But you're doing a lot. Is there a point during this time, because this is a lot about you. We want to hear what's going on with you? Did you just get tired Sunday's where I know you never gave up? But was there a moment where you were like, Lord, you gotta help me.

Unknown: 31:16

Yeah, there was there. In the end, I finally went to Georgia and Patti a lot of times, and I just, I don't know if I can do this anymore. This was really difficult. And it wasn't just because of her. It was just everything, you know, that just added up and got it just got worse and worse and worse. But yeah, there were there were days when we would have she would argue with you, you know, she would start start doing that too. She would get mad when I'm kind of cleaner, because she would be half naked in order for the cleaner. She would just get flustered. And then she take her to the toilet. And she would get upset there when you're standing in front of her and you almost have to, you know, walk out of the bathroom for a moment and, and give her that few cetera. She was just a really, you know, decent lady. Just just that's all I was doing. She just, she just didn't like to be naked anymore. And it was really hard to take care of her that way. But I would just have to do it, you know? And there's some days I get mad at her too. And everything I wouldn't I never. I never got rough with her. I never gotten mad at her. And you know, Mitch was disappointed a lot of times. But I you know, knowing what I've learned in church, don't be angry. Because when you're angry at somebody, you're angry at the Lord. So we it was there were days when it was so hard. And I'd had to I jumped down, I go to Patti, and I just I pay I don't know if I can handle this anymore. But that was right at the Yeah.

Natalie: 32:54

Yeah. What and this has been going on for a good number years. Right. How long was that from the diagnosis to Terry's passing?

Unknown: 33:05

You know, probably five years, maybe. I was having to do a lot for her, you know. And then one of the other things too, is getting her to, I always she always ate well, yeah. She a lot of the stuff that that I fed her. I knew and people, you know, I saw it online and everything that foods that are good for you. And one of them was walnuts. And she loved walnuts. So when I met her, she was eatin walnuts. I always went to the bakery department in the church and I mean in the store and bought walnuts. And she walnuts. That was a good that was supposed to be one of the best nuts to eat. Always had avocado in the house. I always bought deli meat and cheese from the deli and the Jewish rye bread and made a nice sandwiches and always had a handful of potato chips in the middle of sandwiches. plate. And I always I always felt her good. She always ate, ate. We always ate good stuff all the time. And she needed. One of the things that the doctors wanted her to eat was probiotics. Yeah. Now, I'm kind of going all over the place here because I'm just going by what things that are popping up in my brain. And that was she used to have terrible headaches. She even walked with a cane and everything. Well, in the last five, six years, she didn't have no headaches and she didn't walk with a game. Hmm.

Natalie: 34:43

So diet is important. Yeah.

Unknown: 34:46

So we we took good care of her. You know, we just kept her nice and clean. She she was she had nice clothes. She was always well dressed. Patty especially would do a better job than I did. When you dot mom all looking really good, you know, clean. But she tells on she had no doing it doing. Oh, I

Natalie: 35:09

bet she did. I bet she did. But

Unknown: 35:11

you know, it was so it was so easy to love Terry, though, was just an awesome lady. You

JJ: 35:18

know, no matter I think of your health condition, like Natalie said earlier mom's had Parkinson's for 20 years. Dignity and, and pride and still instilling that and that person, no matter what their memory is, or their their capacity, it's still important. Yeah, well, and it sounds like regardless of where Terri was, at the time, you know, she was angry or fussing with you. There's a lot of that that was the disease, that was really an important focus for you. And I love that that you guys were always like, she was going to look nice, and she was going to be clean. And that is that's a really honorable thing to make sure that however you presented her was the way she would want. Yeah. And present. I think that's really important,

Unknown: 36:02

you know, and he wasn't really to me, it wasn't really that hard. And you know what, it's, it's just, I'm glad I'm so happy that you people. Let me talk about the Lord because it's all about him. Yeah, I didn't know what I've learned in church and out of the Bible and everything. Because I use all I used all that, to be able to deal with all this. It made it easier. I can honestly say when I it wasn't that hard. I really enjoyed it. I knew that I was doing something good. Making her life, I think I think maybe her diet helped her to even live longer than she did. I mean, no longer she did, you know, and I always thought that I was I was I was I was helping the whole family. It made it it made it easier to have somebody with her instead of have to deal with it yourself, you know. And so it's just amazing. To me, she's still doing for me, she's still still doing stuff for me, you know, because I'm, I've changed so much. And a lot of it was to do with after she passed, and I started getting into her personal letters, and she had so many letters and so many. She wrote so much and had so many friends, and she was always happy. And Alana some of the people that she knew when I ran into him after they would always say that Terry was a giver, not a taker.

Natalie: 37:39

The thing is, I know that we're it's time for Sister questions, Jay. So I want to ask, start off on a question. So what would be the tips? Or what would you tell someone? What would you tell someone like, Hey, this is what you should know, if I had one thing I could tell you one piece of advice, what would us tell them?

Unknown: 38:00

Now? were you speaking to about someone coming to me to have the same situation and asking me for help? Yep. Yeah, I could. I think about that, too, I think about you just have to love the person, it just do it on a love. And if you're not, if you if you're not a godly person, you're not going to be able to do this. You got to have God on your side. You can't do it alone. You know, and you just got to love the person. And so a lot of times I tell people, I I tell people what I'm going to and I and they look at me and shake their head and I'd say you do it. I love.

Natalie: 38:45

Wow. I do love that. Well, and I'm gonna tell you Well, I totally agree. I mean, you know, we may have some listeners who may not may not believe in God, they may say I'm a spiritual person, but I'm going to tell you, for me that Jason's cancer brought us closer together closer to God. And the only way that we got through it from from my perspective, because I listened to Christian songs in the morning because I'm gonna tell you right now, if I wasn't singing to the Lord, I don't know what to make coming out of my mouth. It was hard. So I

Unknown: 39:18

grew up Baptist Church, and we go to we got Sunday school in the morning and we got Sunday services twice on Sunday. At church on you go to church on Wednesdays. That's right. Every time you're in the church, you're in the Bible. And and I've learned after being in the Bible for so many years. Maybe it started and 510 Six years ago, that the Bible covers everything the Bible has everything in it. You know, I don't care what you talk about. It's all in the Bible will help you if you don't have any, any that kind of education. You You're a you're on your own you you can't do it. It says reading the Bible, not to really rely on your own self, but rely on the Lord. Yep. So it made it possible. But but but I still, I have I, what I did was I left clothes, I left some of her clothes in the closet, in the walking project, and I, I got pictures of her all over the house, and I'm that people, some people telling me, you got to put your put all the pictures away I go, I don't, I'm not gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. And I talked to her, it's still today, I talked to her all the time, and I miss her something terrible.

JJ: 40:37

So I need I know, you're a man of faith. And so I've got I get some bad moments well, and I'm like, I'm gonna need a word. And my favorite verse is I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. I'm like, okay, I can do it. You got to reverse that you call on in your mind when you got to anything, even when you're working on your car. stuff, then your go to verse? Well,

Unknown: 41:02

you know, like I said, I, in the beginning, I worked hard all my life, and I still work on my car, because I can't afford to have everything done. And I got $60,000 in this car. And in a lot of it was I had to find parts all over the country, and then I had to pay for shipping. And to do the work, I can do it, you know, because I've been a machinist, mechanic, you know, heavy equipment operator, I mean, I got I've been around that all my life, and I can do it. But you got to do, you got to try to make, you got to use what you have. And it makes it harder, makes it harder to do a job. And a lot of times when you're done, it didn't come out right and you get you're disappointed. And that that right there. That's all I have on my mind for a moment there. You know, that's what helps, you're going to get, you can't just sit and do nothing and dwell about the woman that you lost. You lost. You know, she was she was 96 years old. She was had dementia really bad. And, you know, and not. I don't know how much more time we have. But I in the end. It was when she went to the hospital. I was devastated. I mean, I was out in the yard, howling like a wolf out there. Crying my brains out. And the best thing that happened is when George got on the phone and started talking to hospice, she found out that as soon as she fell down that now we qualify for hospice. And when we got her home, it was like she liked you she was died and came back to life. I didn't wasn't ready to lose her yet. So I was so happy to see her home and sleeping in that dead right next to me in this house. I was that was a big relief for me. And because we couldn't find a bed anywhere in a home anywhere. And I knew that God would that was God's doing again. God had fixed up so we couldn't find a place. And George says we just got to take her home and I said yeah, that's great. So she was ready to come home on a Thursday at five o'clock and one o'clock in the afternoon. We had the bed and the oxygen tank in the wheelchair and everything all set up already by By two o'clock in the afternoon. So these people were really awesome. And then then the nurses started coming in and boy, that was a big relief too. But at least for a while, you know, but the biggest thing that happened that I have a hard time talking about before she died she knew we rented here. She reached up one day when I was talking to her and she helped me by my head with her hands. He pulled me down and gave me a big kiss she knew me right to the end. I knew what made her happy. She was always happy with me. I did a wonderful thing somebody different is something that was going through my head for a long time before I met her you know, it all happened. It's all because of that. But I know where she is. And I know where I'm going I know that I know that. Everything that's happened since I've known her is all Well, God, there's no doubt about it. He helped me, I'm gonna know he helps me work on that car without getting hurt and everything like that. I can hardly do it anymore. I have to, I don't have a list, I have to raise the car up and have to climb underneath there. And sometimes I have a hard time getting out from under it. Because my shoulders are killing me and my back hurts. But I have to do it because I can't afford to have somebody else do it. And I'm not going to just, I'm not going to do all the work and just look at it in the garage and not drive it. I got to work on it. So I can I can make it. I

Natalie: 45:37

love it. No, I love it. We know we'll I will tell you I normally in because we're going to end here in just a sec. And I'm sorry, I'm crying because let me

Unknown: 45:48

let me pause for a second I want to get a napkin

JJ: 45:53

you know now like for for will I think we always wonder what will title it but will is definitely a good and faithful servant. I mean, his heart is so good. He's He's so you're just a good and faithful servant. That's what I was telling Natalie well, and thank you for sharing your story. It's, it's beautiful. Well,

Unknown: 46:13

I love it. You know, her she has a son that has a lot of money. He paid for her funeral. He paid for mine too. I got I we already saw the stone at the at the cemetery. And there's four holes in the half of that stone where my plaque is going to go. This is you know, I did I help the whole family out. And that's just something I never dreamed of, you know, I never dreamed I was going to end up like this. I have a I have a brother in Connecticut. He lives in a HUD situation. And he's just a year younger than I am. He can't if he didn't have a street children close by that. Pick them up and bring him to their house on holidays and send them home with leftovers and all that he can't even drive anymore or anything. And he I wouldn't want to live like that. Because I if I would have if I would have wound up like that here. I had no, I had no friends, no family. They weren't they were up in Connecticut. They weren't down here. So I would have had a really terrible time I would have. I can imagine coming home sometimes and somebody took my parking spot, you know, at a at a place where you live in and then had that that kind of a problem. I couldn't do it. So

Natalie: 47:36

well, I'm I'm gonna tell you Well, I think everything happens exactly the way it's supposed to. Yeah. And so I know that kind of as we're kind of wrapping it up. Now. I just, I mean, I feel like I know you're guilty. You're guilty pleasure. I know you've loved working on those cars and working on your your your car. I love that. But I think you know, I think, Gosh, what a blessing wheel has been to us this morning, Jay, I just I love this and hearing about your love story is and that's what it was. It was a love story. It was God's story. He put you exactly where you're supposed to be. And I know that George, who's your son in law, this Teresa's son, loves you, loves you, he and Patti love you and the family loves you. And because that's all they kept saying to us is, Oh, you got to meet my father. And and so I just I think I think that I think that you're exactly where you're supposed to be. And we're so grateful for you coming on today to share like

Unknown: 48:42

to say something else. I have their daughter that lives with us. She was adopted years ago. And I had a hard time with her because the way she lives and everything. But I learned to love that girl. You know, I'm I look at it this way. I'm a grandpa. Oh, yeah, I'm her grandpa. That's right. And if they I deal with her just like they do. And she's she's actually improved a lot to fish. I really love the girl.

JJ: 49:12

I really got a bigger family than you ever imagined. Yeah, that's right. And then

Unknown: 49:17

George's. And then Patti doesn't want me to go around saying this is my step daughter in law. She says just daughter in law. So I love that. All right,

Natalie: 49:31

no step to it, my friend. We're all connected. And so we all have these titles that society gives us but you're just a person. You're a person in my life that I love. And sometimes it's just as simple as that. So well, well thank you so much for being with us today and sharing your story about Teresa. This is another way that Teresa lives on. And we're such a privilege to get to have you on here to talk about your experience being her character. Ever, and so many nuggets of wisdom and so we just thank you for coming on. Thank you for having me. Okay. All right guys, until we confess again, thanks so much. Bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again, till then take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors, or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.