Embracing the Caregiving Journey: Lan Phan on Transforming Pain into Purpose

Lan Phan, a former caregiver for her mother with advanced-stage dementia, shares her decade-long journey. As Vietnamese refugees, Lan's mother worked tirelessly as a hairdresser to support their family. In her late 70s, her health declined, prompting Lan to leave her job in New York and move to California to care for her mother.

Lan faced challenges in finding full-time care and making decisions with her siblings about her mother's living situation. Her mother's dementia progressed, requiring 24/7 care and eventually a memory care facility. Navigating the healthcare system, advocating for her mother's needs, and dealing with caregiver burnout took a toll on Lan.

Lan's experience inspired her to start her own company and pursue speaking and writing to assist others. She realized the value of living intentionally and pursuing dreams, as time and mental capacity are finite. Lan aims to honor her mother's sacrifices by living fully and helping others through her work.

About Lan:

Lan Phan is an author and speaker known for her expertise in purpose, mindset, and continuous improvement. Her expertise has made her a sought-after consultant for Fortune 500 companies, where she advises CEOs and C-Suite executives to help them navigate the dynamic realms of business and innovation. Her thought leadership can be found in prestigious publications like The Harvard Business Review, Forbes, and Money.

As a keynote speaker, Lan has graced prominent platforms, including the United Nations, Stanford University, NYU Law, and events hosted by Fortune 100 companies like PepsiCo, Warner Media, Citi, Bank of America, Disney, and Meta. On LinkedIn and YouTube, her content reaches an audience of millions annually, resonating deeply across diverse demographics. Phan is named as one of the top 100 LinkedIn creators globally and top ten in Management and Leadership.

A Stanford University alumnus, she was honored with the J.E. Wallace Sterling Award, which recognized her significant impact through leadership and community service. She also holds a master's degree from the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Lan resides in New York with her husband, Kevin, and their daughter, Morgan.

Connect with Lan:

Website: lanphan.co

Website Company: communityofseven.com

LinkedIn: linkedin.com/in/lanphan

Instagram: Instagram.com/lanphanc7

Facebook: facebook.com/communityofseven

Transcript

Natalie: 0:02

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate the inspired lead with helpful tips and resources and of course, laugh. Now, let's get to today's confession. My dear sister,

JJ: 0:30

good morning, sister.

Natalie: 0:32

How are you doing? You know, I'm great today. Is there a particular reason why you're great today?

JJ: 0:39

Because I'm not in Florida. Today. I am actually in North Carolina and my grandkids are here. So there it is. Oh, Lake Tom,

Natalie: 0:49

you get to play but you know what? Now it's not time for play. Now. No, I'm to podcast and we have an amazing guest. Today I am. I have followed our guest on LinkedIn because she's amazing. And she has so much wisdom and insight that she offers. And I am beyond thrilled to have I'm not gonna say her name yet to have her with us. So I want you to introduce our amazing guest. So excited, like fan.

JJ: 1:20

So I will say in advance, I will apologize to our guest because Natalie is a stalker on LinkedIn. So if you've never been her friend on LinkedIn, polite persistence, like persistence, don't don't friend with her on LinkedIn. Oh, hey, bring together three with her because she actually is a fantastic LinkedIn buddy. So today, we are honored and truly honored to have Lynn fan with us. She is an author and a speaker, known for her expertise and purpose, mindset and continuous improvement. And she's a caregiver. Her family has worked through the challenges of her mother's advanced stage dementia for over a decade, a diagnosis whose symptoms her mother initially managed to conceal, which is interesting. In the early years, it was a critical scare that mobilized the family into caregiving, and they did that coast to coast. Land. We are so happy to have you here with us today.

Unknown: 2:19

Hi, thanks so much, Natalie and JJ. So excited to be here.

Natalie: 2:24

Oh, all right, do so much. Go ahead. Yes.

JJ: 2:26

It sounds like first of all, we want to get a little bit of background because when the scare happened, it was about family as you said family is what jumped in. But give us a little bit of background on you. Your family. Yeah,

Unknown: 2:42

yeah. So I came right after the fall of Vietnam. So my family were Vietnamese refugees. So when we came to the US, we literally came with like the clothes on our backs. And we came to San Francisco and it was the churches that closed us. It was like our community that kind of helped feed us. We ended up moving to LA so we moved between Inglewood, California and Hawthorne, California. My dad wasn't working. So it was my mom that was supporting us a family of five, five of us total as her income as a hairdresser. So she worked and supported our entire family. And she never made more than 15,000 a year. And she worked seven days a week, we you know, her hands would be just, you know, from the chemicals, that dark chemicals from dying people's hair. Her hands were always cracked, but she'd be working constantly. So I was kind of hoping that she would be able to kind of retire as I might. I got older, my brother got older, we started to kind of financially support her to kind of make sure she had a good life. And I think she had a good life for at least a few decades. She and my father actually passed away in my 20s my early 20s. And my mom found love again when she was like 65

Natalie: 4:01

Oh, I love love love story. We do love love story. We were talking about

Unknown: 4:06

movie love note like she would get love letters. Oh,

Natalie: 4:10

yeah. You know, that's, there's something to be said for that. If you remember, like the the love notes that people when they used to write, especially the military, like they would write these things and all that stuff. I just love things like that. Anyway, that's so interesting. There's so many parallels in the story with your all story with our story, honestly, and we'll kind of point them out as we kind of go along. But you mentioned that your mom, like when did it start happening? Like when did you all start seeing stuff because you and your siblings are, you know, where's everybody at? At this point where your siblings so

Unknown: 4:48

I lived in New York. I asked for years if my mom wanted to move with me and my husband and my daughter at the time. But she always wanted to stay in California because she had her own home And she lived in that home. And she didn't want to leave. And so my brothers, two brothers were in California, one in San Francisco, one in Los Angeles, not too far from her. So we have one brother that was nearby to deal with anything. And we, my mom, it started actually Polly. When she was in her 70s, she fell and broke her femur bone. And so that was probably the first time she almost died. So we were aware that, for some reason, she's falling. And we installed cameras in her house just so that we can look after her. But one day, and this was probably about 10, almost 10 years ago, my I got a call from my brother. And he was just crying, like, uncontrollably crying. And I hardly see my brother cry. I've probably seen him cry two or three times in my entire life. And he was like, Mom is in the hospital, she's going to die. And I was like, what she's like he she's had four strokes. And so I didn't even ask, I was in New York at this time. I had worked the next day, I didn't care. Or it might have been even early on a Monday on a work day. And I just got on a plane and I went there. Then I kind of found out everything that was happening. My mom has high blood pressure, you know, has a slew of other health issues. But she stopped taking her medication. And because of that she she got multiple strokes. So I got into the emergency room because she was like literally on her deathbed. Yeah, they were just saying she had four strokes. I was like, how did that happen? You know, because she was she was vibrant. My mom at her late 70s walked the LA Marathon. She was in good health. We thought good mental state. Yeah. So I had told my called My, my boss at that time, who was the CEO. And I was like, I have to be here for my mom. I don't know how long. And if you need to fire me, you need to fire me. But in they were like, Okay, let's, let's just see how it goes. So, you know, one day became one week became two months where I was in LA. And generally they let me work at home up to a certain point. But during that time, I was just kind of getting it was to the point where I remember being in my mom's bedside, with my brother are both just crying. My mom is like comatose, kind of like just she's there. But she's not there. And the doctor was like, Can you come come with us. And so we were in a room with my brother. And they brought in the chaplain, you know, two other doctors, like a counselor, and they're like, your mother's probably going to die in the next week or two. And we just braced ourselves. So we just, we didn't know what to do. Yeah, but we just kind of like, okay, so we literally, I went home, I started going through my mom's things. And that's when I noticed there was like 1000s and 1000s of little notes, with our phone numbers, with my mom, like my daughter's birthday, with each of our names. Because I think she was forgetting what our names was. So in order to cope, she would have all of these literally 1000s of these little pieces of paper with my daughter's birth name, my birthday, my social like her my phone number, because I think she was, you know, I'm aware I don't see this. But she was coping by writing everything down. But it would be all spread throughout the house. And because we thought my mom only had a few weeks left, I was cleaning through her stuff. And she be she wasn't a hoarder. She was very clean. But she was collecting everything. And I think it was like memories, right? Like, I was just looking through things. And I remember cleaning through her some of her clothes. And I found this tissue box. And I was looking at it and I was like, I don't know, I put my hand in it. And there was money in it. And it was like$1,000 So my mom was hiding money like hoarding cash, different things within the house. I don't know if she wasn't, she started to get paranoid about going to the bank. And I just was like, How did I not know? Because when I talked to her, she seemed like she was the same mother that I've always had the one that worries a lot and, you know, always asked me to eat. And so that was kind of the long story short, she ended up recovering. It was a miraculous recovery. Wow. And she started to kind of slowly go gain mobility but we realized my mom You cannot live alone anymore. And she was about 88 is like 8182 At that time, but before that she had just walked the LA Marathon like a few years prior to that. She was mobile. She was, you know what I mean? So it was just her and then her partner would come and sleep over, like maybe once or twice a week, but then we realized he was just as needing help. And it was my mom that was taking care of him. Oh, wow. Yes. So So I was there for two months, just trying to figure things out. And starting from ground zero.

JJ: 10:37

So your mom has she had been living independently. I mean, she was, she's still driving just

Unknown: 10:43

life is normal. We stopped driving probably when I was in my 20s Because my father had gotten a car accident, got a heart attack. And she was paranoid of driving. So she stopped driving early on, but she would take the bus like she was very, like, she would take the bus all over, up until her her, you know, early 80s. And anywhere she'd go, she'd go like, to Santa Ana, which was like 30 miles away just by bus. So she would super independent.

JJ: 11:10

Oh, yeah. Sounds like a Yeah.

Natalie: 11:12

So let me I want to get a little backstory, too. So you have moved to New York, you moved to New York at some point, and you started this, this amazing career. I mean, you've got you've got things going on, you got a full life there. How are you and your siblings, especially because your dad passed, passed early on, and your mom stayed single, essentially, our mom, our dad passed when he was 58. And so for the last 12 years, our mom also like she had friends, but that was their friends gotta love the different generation. Like, it was literally their this is my friend this is he's a male friend. And then our mother would always be like a friend. That would be like, Okay, I don't want to think about that. But thank you for that trauma. And so I know that you've got you know, how old was your daughter at the time? Because you said that you had your daughter? Because I know she's still young.

Unknown: 12:06

I mean, yeah, she was probably around three or four. At that time. It was actually good that she was that young, because she didn't notice. I mean, I think if I were to do that now with my daughter, who's at nine, she would totally be impacted. But because she was so young, you know, she wasn't at that age where she missed me as much because she hadn't my, my father, and I think my mother in law, had actually flew to New York to help me have another caregiver. My mother in law flew in to help with my husband and my daughter, because I'd left for two months. Wow. And he had work.

Natalie: 12:46

Yeah. So he just said, go, go. Yeah, perfect. Because

Unknown: 12:51

with our family, it's like, when my husband and I were married, we were very, we were very specific that family comes first, huh? Yeah, I would do the same for his mother in law, or my mother in law. My mother,

JJ: 13:08

now we've, we've had people come along before. And they said that when you find a partner, when you find someone that is so important to decide that those values are similar, because if you have someone who doesn't see that, that family is very important, and then you need to step into a caregiver role, sometimes that's not understood, that lets you know, she needs to get you need to pay for help. And so that is, that's amazing. But you've kind of left this three year old, but also that your mother in law has stepped in. Yeah, I was like a three year old. And

Unknown: 13:39

my husband also flew in with our daughter at one point, and he helped out to like help with my mother's caregiving because it was difficult because with the dementia, they start losing losing bodily function. I think it was also a combination of the dementia and the stroke. So she needed to wear depends, so she couldn't shower herself. She couldn't do the things that she used to be able to do easily, just years prior.

Natalie: 14:03

This is interesting to me. Because I mean, I think about when Jason and I got married years ago, we never thought to have the conversation about caring for someone else. Like, you know, and I don't think from culturally like, we're our background is, you know, you support your loved one, like no one went to like skilled nursing. That was where our mother fully believed that you were you went to die. And that's what we had seen that there was no assisted living back then. And so I just, I, it's interesting, because you do I mean, my aunt took care of my aunt took care of her mom and dad, and she had four brothers, so you're kind of in a similar place. What is the dynamics like between you and your siblings as your mom is aging? And did you all have intentional conversations about like, Okay, this is who's in charge. This is who's going to make decisions. How do we make decisions As a team of

Unknown: 15:01

uh, we're just kind of figuring it out as we were going. And one of my brothers fan was very organized. And so he had a spreadsheet. And he basically had tasks he had created like a blog, blog or site that was just private to us, where it's like, here's mom's medication, here's this, my other brother, who I love, but he's not as organized was also married. And so there's other issues around that, that I won't go into. But it was difficult. So even though he was close, I had to fly to New York, my other brother had to once in a while come to Los Angeles from San Francisco. But then we all have jobs. And it's not like work from home was as prevalent as it was. I didn't have my business at that time, I was working for a company. And so it was just what we ended up doing was finding a 24/7 caregiver. Right, because I was in New York, I couldn't move here, because my job was in New York. My brother had full time job, he couldn't be a caregiver. But my mom needed 24/7 caregiving. So we hired we pulled in funds, and we paid for a live in caregiver. And we did that probably four or five years, until it got too much for the caregiver. Because my mom has advanced stage dementia now, where she doesn't recognize us, she will hallucinate she sometimes would get violent. I mean, violent, as much as an 87 year old, can get violent, right. And so we had to make that difficult choice. And she's now actually in a memory care facility. And she's thriving. So I just want to put it out there. Because I felt the same way. My mom initially didn't want to go to a memory care facility. And we have these notions of what these care facilities look like that they're horrible that people get neglected. But there are some really, really good ones. And we found someone that specialized in dementia care. And the caregiving is beyond. I can't even describe it because my mom got to the point where she was in the ER every week, because she literally fall, break something or fall and because once dementia gets really bad, let's say you're the caregiver and you're sleeping, my mom is up at three in the morning till six in the morning walking around. And we put double locks so she couldn't go out. But there has been times where the character was taking a shower, my mom would walk out and start wandering the neighborhoods. It wasn't safe for her to be home. And, you know, even if you had family who was living there, I don't think would have been enough.

Natalie: 17:47

Let me let me stop real quick because we need to take a quick break. And we'll be right back.

JJ: 17:55

If you like confessions, we have another podcast. We'd love to recommend the happy healthy caregiver podcast with Elizabeth Miller as a fellow homecare network podcaster. We love how Elizabeth chatted up with family caregivers and dives into their caregiving and self care strategies just like us. Elizabeth believes that family caregivers are the experts in caregiving. Beyond the informative conversations that Lizabeth reveals the tried and true resources and practical self care tips that empower caregivers to prioritize their health and happiness. You can find the happy, healthy caregiver podcast wherever you download your favorite podcast, or go to the website at happy, healthy caregiver.com. Hey, everybody, we are back here today with LAN fan. And we're talking about even if you have someone a family member or a paid professional living with your loved one full time, sometimes it's not enough and you have to make that decision to move them into a higher skilled facility. And that's a hard decision land. I know we had that decision we had to make with our mom. I mean, it was actually last March. But you said you moved her into that specialized facility. So tell us a little bit about that. Because I'm always for me, family wise, it was a there's there was a lot of guilt, grief, moving her into that. How did you all like what was that family decision? Like? Was it were you all in agreement at that time?

Unknown: 19:28

Yes, we were all in agreement at that time because we realized even if we were to try to get another because a caregiver I think it would got too much for her. And this caregiver was an amazing she like, was there from treating my mother like my mom was she was her daughter kind of thing. And so, but it got to a point where she couldn't pick my mom up every time she fell. So she'd have to call the emergency room. And we I'm in New York, my brothers are at work, right? And it just got to too much. And my mom's dementia was getting really advanced where she was just belligerent or like, just would think that people were after her, she would hallucinate. She was getting washing her hand because like, where her skin was kind of falling off. And we were just at the point where we just didn't know what to do. So even though there's the time where I would go for like a week, two weeks to relieve the caregiver, when she needed a break, it got too much for me, because I was like, this is like, you can't be somewhere 24/7 Looking after this person, and then also not sleeping, because she will wake up in the middle of the night. And when you try to put her to bed, she will fight you, like literally fight you. And so one of the biggest tips I could provide is, it's a lot easier. Okay, the first one, before your parents are ready or need the care, do your research. Go into we visited hunt between me and my two brothers, we went to probably over 100 facilities and just viewed them. Okay, can we get a walkthrough before we needed to figure out what the pricing was, and it ranges, you know, and we would, my brother found one that was actually not too far from his home. And but there was a waitlist, a lot, a lot of these facilities that good ones have mall waitlist. So what he did was he just built a relationship with the director, and just brought a connection and just explained our story. And so Okay, so we had something kind of lined up, so that there was a relationship with this facility. And that was actually a tip that we had gotten from another friend who happened. The other piece of advice that this friend gave us, which I think is key, it's a lot easier to get your parents into a facility when they're in the emergency room, or when they're at a hospital. Yes. And when they're at your home. I didn't know that. Like who knows those things, right? So my mom had fallen probably for the sixth time. And she was in the ER, and our friend was Don't take her home. And it as a parent, you know, as a, you know, a daughter, you're like, Oh, that's horrible. But he was like, Don't take her home. Because when you take them out all of the casework support, all of the social work that happens in the hospital goes away. So you don't have anyone advocating for yourself. So when she was in there, and it was true, I was in New York, I was like, I'm in New York, no one is there to protect, to bring to be at because they cannot take my mother home, even though she's fine. back to her home, if no one is there to take care of her. And you have to be adamant. And I remember, I got a call from one of the doctors. And he was like you need to take care of take your mom home. I'm like, I'm in New York, my brother and he was in Hawaii. I was like, you don't We don't have anyone. He was like, I was like, Well, we are working with the social worker to to get my mom into a facility. Yeah. And he was like, how? And I remember because he was also an Vietnamese, Vietnamese doctor. He was like, you don't do that. And he was trying to guilt trip me. He was like, we don't do that to our parents. Like basically saying that, you know, when these seniors go to these homes, they die. This is a doctor telling me that and I was like, I just I was adamant my mom would have died in the next year. If she was at home. It doesn't matter if I was there a caregiver shoe. She was like living such an isolated life because we couldn't take her anywhere because she would have bowel movements. And we couldn't get her in and out of the car. She wasn't living. She was basically at home in her recliner chair or bed going back and forth. And we could feed her she was not having an existence that was remotely how it is now. And so I was adamant. I was like my mom, I'm working with the, you know, the the social worker. And so I worked with a social worker and I was like, Look, I can't bring my mom home. I'm in New York. So you have to find me a place and they were like okay, and so literally they they advocated for me and they like looked around and they were like okay look if we can get her we can help subsidize this, you know, to my mom was on Medicaid or Medicare. I forget which one Medicare

Natalie: 24:32

it's probably Medicare. And she if she had a low lower income, it could have been dual enrolled. So she would have been Medicare and Medicaid because if she was still kind of a low because she didn't generate a lot of income her entire

Unknown: 24:48

no she had no income like literally zero. And I'm gonna tell

Natalie: 24:52

you right now, LAN, this is how you all probably did it was the best thing for her to have no income honestly because and you guys are helping to sell implement because you have to. And I say this respectfully, you have to trick the system. Our system does not support Medicare does not pay for nursing. It is Medicaid that does. And you have to be, you have to lose everything to get care, essentially.

Unknown: 25:16

Yes. And I mean, not fortunate, but my mom had nothing. So we didn't. Exactly.

Natalie: 25:21

I mean, honestly. Yeah. So literally,

Unknown: 25:25

what we did, she was like, the here are the different hospitals. If you find someone that has an open bed, we will arrange things. And I was like, okay, my brother had already went to all of these facilities. And he found one, he, he went to the director and was like, Look, my mom, and he told him the situation. And the director, even though there was a long waiting line, because he had built this relationship with my brother. He was like, and then we it that then it when it happened, it happened like this. And now my mom is thriving. It's an amazing center. There's like NERT, like 24/7 Nurse, there's walkways where you can walk around my like, everyone waves to my mom, everyone knows who she is. So I'm just saying, you know, like, sometimes there's, we have these stigma about what care looks like. And yes, there are horrible places that you know, parents we send parents to, but there's also these amazing places. But you have to do your research. Yeah, but she's thriving now. Like, literally, she's just, you know, she walks around all the time. The nurses, they're all know her. You know, she's like a mini celebrity.

Natalie: 26:37

Well, now I know her she gets it for where you get that your mom is a minute celebrity. I love that, honestly. So you all know is your mom's in New York though, right?

Unknown: 26:47

No, my mom. So my mom is in Calif. Okay, so for

Natalie: 26:51

some reason, I'm sorry. I live in New York. Yeah, no, but I thought that you'd moved your mom to New York. I've seen some photos in the past. And I didn't know if she was in New York, or if she was in California.

Unknown: 27:01

Yeah, that was in California. For me visiting Cal like for the past decade. Anytime I visited, I had to move to I'd have to fly to California. And so I would go at least two or three times a year except for COVID. And I didn't see it for like, three years almost.

Natalie: 27:19

I know that you had the crisis with your mom. And work said, Okay, we'll pause because this is all pre pandemic before. You know what everybody worked from home and you've got a resume and everything is advanced. And so what happened from a work standpoint, related, they were patient

Unknown: 27:38

to a point. Then after two months, I basically got a call from my boss. And he she was like, you either have to come back or we have to let you go. Yeah. And so I had to go. And that's what kind of where we started to rush and just like, Okay, we need a 24/7 caregiver. And that was a whole horror story in itself. Make sure you do your due diligence, because we got desperate. And so I was we were looking for one that spoke Vietnamese, because even though my mom spoke English, French different languages when she was younger, with the dementia, she would only speak Vietnamese. So she went back to her native language, I guess. And so we needed to find one that spoke Vietnamese who could cook the art traditional kinds of foods. And so we didn't know where to start. So we put like, an ad in the Vietnamese kind of local publication. We got hundreds of people, you know, responding. And, you know, we talked to a lot of like, flaky people in the world, I'm realizing. And when I remember talking, and I was like, Oh, wow, this one's amazing. So we went all the way like 30 miles to this other city called Santa Ana. And I met with her and I was like, this woman is lovely. She was like, you know, I used to be a nanny that she had pictures of where, and I was like, okay, and I was like, come the next day, just to meet my mom. She's like, okay, something in my gut said, Look her up. And I had thank goodness taking a photo of her driver's license. I went home. This is the day she's supposed to come. I googled her name. There was wanted sides all over on the internet. Basically, she would do these scams where she'd be a caregiver, a nanny, take care of elderly people and then start taking their identities, their social security. Wow. And she was one in Texas and Chicago that I was like, I almost let this woman in our home. Yeah, but I was so desperate at that time. My brother was desperate. Don't trust your gut instinct sometimes or trust your gut instinct, but also do your due diligence and check. Back there companies that do background checks. We were just so desperate because I was supposed to. I had to come back to work or get fired. Right? And we dodged the bullet. Miraculously things you know Through prayer or divine intervention, a few days later, through referral, like a friend's friend, we found someone, and she ended up being my mom's caregiver for the next five years, basically live with my mom for five years.

Natalie: 30:17

So she only had one then this person was her soul. Yeah, yeah. And you had it for five whole years. That's, that is a long time.

Unknown: 30:28

Yeah, I think part of it too, was just that, you know, we got lucky, I think. And the woman had family, she was kind of older. She's like, kind of like maybe in her 60s. So someone kind of older taking care of him and my mother. But she also, you know, she was also a refugee, she didn't have many other skills. She didn't drive to so that that was an issue. But she would walk my mom around the place that she lived there. So she needed a home to because she didn't she was kind of, it just kind of worked out.

Natalie: 31:01

Yeah, our mom was the same. So in the sense of, after our dad passed, our mom wanted to just be as independent, she had an arm's length distance on us. And as she needed more help, she would just say, if I could just find someone to live with me. If I could just find someone who could, you know, and we had we, we fully supported that, like, what you did is, I think, what I think a lot of people would want to do, and then trying to figure out how do you find those people. And now there's like services like, you know, care.com, and all that kind of stuff, which they're not a sponsor, but you can be clearly and but, you know, you've got these groups that help find people and do background checks. I think what I keep hearing you saying, and we're going to take a break, is, do background checks, do your do be proactive in your activities, but I'm gonna hold that thought. I'm going to take a break real quick. And then Jay, let's come back. This is so good. Hey, ladies, I need to interrupt for just a second to share about the sisterhood membership. It's basically a sale every day. And the best part, it's free. Here's the details. We're partnering with our friends at benefit hub, and other care partners to save you money. With over 200,000 participating companies across the US and abroad. You'll find discounts at your favorite local stores, huge savings on vacations, amazing deals on home auto and supplemental insurances, and everything in between. Go to Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com to sign up. And then definitely tell your friends about it. They can join to trust me, there's a discount for everyone. And don't forget, it's free. Okay, back to confessing.

JJ: 32:50

Hey, everybody, we are back here with Lee and fan. And she has given us some fantastic tips already. Like Natalie said before we took our break. A lot of it is just about being prepared. With nursing home with skilled nursing facilities. We're getting caregivers never wait to the last minute. But Natalie, it is really time that we get into land we need to talk about you and how this impacted you. Now we talked about work. And did you it sounds like they gave you a little bit of leeway and that you rushed into initially you rush trying to find a caregiver, you did find someone that sounds like she was phenomenal. Did you leave that job? Or did you save that job because you were able to get a caregiver what happened with work because we have a lot of people that I was I'm self employed. And that was the only way we could manage the care with mom, because Natalie's full time. Tell me about a little bit about the work path and what that took you to Yeah,

Unknown: 33:50

so I ended up going back. And I mean, I guess I don't want to save my job. But then they took me back. And but without, but with the price because I was not only caregiving with my mom is you know, the sandwich generation that we're in right now. I was also taking care of a nine year old. And so at that time, I was kind of on the fast track. And I was still pretty senior there. But I was supposed to get like this group EVP kind of a big title, right? Like, basically be on the executive team. And it's funny, as soon as I had my daughter and as soon as things happen with my mom, I kind of got relegated within the chain. I was no longer rising star. You know, I mean, the company that I was working for was a little bit toxic in general. And you know, my coworkers and I would call it The Hunger Games. The CEO would really enjoy kind of people fighting to the death.

Natalie: 34:48

Now, company culture, kitchen thought,

Unknown: 34:54

you know, I move within different parts of the organization. But what I realized too, is that I just, you know, besides you have You got, what, two weeks, maybe three weeks of vacation time, it wasn't that much time to visit my mom and see her. Yeah. So I would maybe see her once or twice a year. And so I ended up quitting that job just because of various factors. But one of them was, I didn't have freedom. And so I ended up quitting that job, I end up working for another place. And I ended up starting my own company. And when I started my own company, because I needed more freedom, and I realized that was one of my values was that I needed to really be there for my family, yet, I wasn't spending time with him at all. And so I started my own company, out of necessity, partly because I got laid off at the beginning of the pandemic. But after that, I remember I had this pivotal point where I was like, do I find another job, right? Because I had been kind of on this C suite path. And I was like, No, I want freedom. I want to be able to see my family or travel if I need to. And so I started my own company. And one of the first things I decided to do was once the COVID band got lifted, and we could travel, I would spend the summer so I always take the summers off to spend with my mom. So I go to LA and I bring my daughter, and she gets to spend time with her grandmother. So we go and we visit her every day at the memory care facility. Sometimes we take her out. So that yeah, I basically like you, JJ had to leave corporate and start my own business in order to kind of create the life that I really wanted to live, which is being present for my family.

Natalie: 36:41

Now that's the money right there. That that is like if you really think about it, and I know there's probably so many people listen in and film like, God, I wish I could do that. I'm not gonna lie to you. I think, you know, how do I really live, this comes back to our younger sister says this all the time. I want to live my best life. And she's in I mean, we laughed about it yesterday and was got new eyebrows. And she needed them because you couldn't see any. And so that's a part of her living her best life. And she said to me last night on the phone, I can't believe I waited so long. And I think about that statement. I can't believe I waited so long. Like why did I wait? And I think you know, you've been on the C suite path and pushed up. I mean, JJ and I both been executives, and we know the pressure that we feel, especially and I think especially as women, like there's so much pressure, I think that's amazing, to be honest with you. It's inspiring.

Unknown: 37:33

I mean, I think you can't wait. And I think it was two years, three years, I forget how long, I was able to see my mom due to COVID. And when I finally went to visit her, it just felt like a weight had lifted. But there also a tremendous sense of guilt. Because I realized my mom's dementia was advancing. And there was times where she didn't remember me. And I was, I had just a lot of I thought about my mother and her life, she had sacrificed so much for our family. And, you know, our my father and her relationship wasn't the ideal relationship. But she, I remember her telling me when she was younger, I'm staying in this relationship because of you, the family, and keeping our family together. And I just think about all of her on her dreams that didn't come true. Being able to travel the world being able to have a career outside of what she was doing, because of us. And you know, I started thinking and having this reflection about my life, that life is so short and that Tomorrow is not promised. And even if you do live, will you be there mentally? Will you be capable of doing the things you really wanted to do? And so that's kind of what inspired me to write my book and to do this next phase of my life because I had told myself I want to write a book, probably since I was in high school, but I gave up on the dream. I gave up on the dream because I was like, Ah, I'm a mom, I don't have time I have work who has time. Yeah. And so that's when I started earnestly writing and actually started posting on LinkedIn. Because before that I had been posting as community of seven my company. But then I was posting as myself. And so I started grilling kind of on LinkedIn. And I my first post was about my mother and visiting my mom and then I started just posting every day because I you know, I've always kind of considered myself more of an introvert I've always considered myself more behind the scenes. And that period made me realize that I needed to live a bigger life. And that if I wanted to be a person that impacted the world and helped other people, I needed to own my voice and I needed to in some ways do it for my mother. Right? So stop living a small life because that's what my mom did. I mean, I love her. She impacted so many people that everywhere she went If people would just say, Oh, your mother so great. Even though she never made that much money, whenever she went to Vietnam, she, she basically saved up her money and helped build this temple, this Buddhist temple in Vietnam. She gave money to the poor. And my mom never made more than 15,000 a year. But she somehow saved and would help other people. So she did live a great life. But I don't know if she was ever happy. Like, I don't know if she ever was able to do the things that I'm doing now. Travel, you know what I mean? So yeah, I'm in that phase where I'm just trying to live my life like every moment is. Yeah,

Natalie: 40:48

that's beautiful. I said, I always like to take notes. And I'm just sitting here like, live.

Unknown: 40:55

Like, as I'm talking to you, though, whenever I think about my mom, I always get like,

JJ: 40:59

yeah, baby. Yeah, yeah. Every moment is precious. And I think we realize that with our mom as well. And I look at you guys, though, as I listen to you talk about your brothers, and about yourself. And I think that there's a lot of things you've said about your mom, but she has to know that she the life that she created for you all that allowed you to live out a lot of her dream life and

Natalie: 41:25

gave her all and gosh, I'm gonna tell you, Jay, we have to have laying come back on because honestly, this is so good. I'm like the nuggets of wisdom. I love the nuggets. He's like

JJ: 41:35

a full time like, Okay, now I'm ready to get out. I need like now. I got a question.

Natalie: 41:40

Okay, but we're gonna do sister questions. All right, do sister questions. I'm ready. Okay, you go first.

JJ: 41:46

Okay, I'm gonna I just I'm gonna go to the book, but I'm only going to let her give me one tip. Okay, so Lann the name of the book is Do this daily. Yes, this okay, do this daily and then give me the rest of it because this long

Unknown: 41:58

Oh, secrets defining success, happiness and purpose and work in life. Okay,

JJ: 42:03

that's almost like a heaven Damn, but I'm gonna let her say it. If this is only the cliff note version, what is one secret that you would tell listeners? Caregivers, everyone out good one, you need a good secret.

Unknown: 42:15

It's what we do daily. So what we become what we do daily. And the most important thing is to just start, start scared. Start where you're at. Don't wait. Life is short. And Tomorrow is not promised. So just start. It's like that first step is always so scary. But when we take it, we're like, Oh, that wasn't that bad. And then you keep on going. You keep on going. Same thing as caregiving. It was overwhelming as heck, when we first started, but each step got a little bit easier as we gained the knowledge.

JJ: 42:48

Just start I love it like that. Just start start scaling. That's that's easy. Yeah, just started.

Unknown: 42:55

I tuned never gonna be ready.

Natalie: 42:59

You're never going to be ready. And you're right. Okay, so here's my this is such an easy one. Because this is my favorite question lamb. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? The thing that you do just for you. Definitely

Unknown: 43:12

being alone. Like I don't get a lot of alone time. So sometimes I just wake up early in the morning, like five in the morning, six in the morning. And just the silence. I love that just the silence in the air and just being able to meditate and to breathe and to journal. The alone time. Oh,

Natalie: 43:32

I do like I do like the alone time. My heart. I love that. I

JJ: 43:35

love to be honest.

Natalie: 43:37

I feel like it's a little bit. I mean, yeah. And I'm the same way. Don't tell my husband when I'm always like Jason says, Hey, I'm gonna go out with my friend Chris for Friday night and I'm like, go

Unknown: 43:49

anyway, but for every mother's day, my we have a tradition and I just told my husband. I'm going to get a hotel somewhere and just spend the night alone. And then you could bring Morgan like in the morning the next day on Mother's Day. Because it's having that a little bit alone. Time is so important. Yeah, just to do whatever, read a book, watch movie.

Natalie: 44:11

Do anything that you want to do, because there's no one that expects anything from you. Yeah, exactly. Oh, wow. I love that. Okay, I can't believe we're already at the end. lanuage and you definitely are no, I love that your newest sister. Honestly, I know. And then I'm gonna produce this shirt in like my hands my bestie and it's gonna be really awkward and you'll be like me, it's fine. Thank you so much for being with us. This is so wonderful. We are going to make sure your book and all your connections because I'm going to tell you friends absolutely follow LAN. The guidance and the love that she puts into her post is so encouraging. I always walk away from it. I definitely share it with people. I'll be like, Oh, just somehow it's almost like you know It's almost like when I read the Bible, exactly what I need is exactly there. And there's times when I'm playing around on LinkedIn, I'm looking and I'm thinking, Oh, here's get to meet cool people, but I'll see a post and I'll be like, Oh, how did she know? That was just for me today? Yeah, it's

Unknown: 45:15

funny that you mentioned it because I actually fall based on the daily word, which is this publication that's been around for decades. And it's basically a prayer or proverb or whatnot. And then an analysis of it. So it's about joy, about happiness, about fear. And I wanted to kind of create a daily word for professionals on LinkedIn. So that was, it's funny that you mentioned the whole prayer God kind of thing, because that was my motivation.

Natalie: 45:42

Now that is onpoint. Guys, thank you so much for listening and land. Thank you for being with us. Today. We will make sure you get all lands, contact information in the show notes. Everybody, have a wonderful day. We'll see you next time when we confess again. Thank you.

Unknown: 45:56

Bye.

Natalie: 45:59

Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again, till then take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sisters and I at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors, or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care, LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.