Beyond Duty: Embracing the Chaos and Compassion of Caregiving

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Elizabeth Miller has extensive experience as a family caregiver. She cared for her aging parents with chronic illnesses as they desired to age in place, which required much travel and coordination between siblings. She also cares for her older brother Tom, who has developmental and intellectual disabilities. Elizabeth shares moving her family members to different living situations as her parents' health declined. She continues caring for her brother, Tom, along with her siblings.

Elizabeth started the Happy Healthy Caregiver podcast and resources to share her knowledge and lessons learned from her caregiving journey. Through being open about her experiences, she has helped many other caregivers. Her podcast and newsletter provide practical self-care tips that empower caregivers. She emphasizes the importance of addressing all aspects of well-being, including physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, social, and professional fulfillment.

Elizabeth's caregiving experiences have transformed her career path. Where she previously worked in corporate settings, she now focuses full-time on supporting family caregivers through her business. She encourages letting go of expectations and having faith that things will work out, as she has survived difficult life challenges and transitions through caregiving.

About Elizabeth:

Elizabeth Miller is a family caregiver, caregiver advocate, speaker, author, podcast host, Certified Caregiving Consultant, and Certified Senior Advisor. Her personal experiences caring for aging parents with chronic and terminal illnesses and for a sibling with developmental disabilities inspired her to create Happy Healthy Caregiver, LLC, in 2015. She is an empty nester living in Marietta, GA with her husband and two dogs.

Connect with Elizabeth:

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/happyhealthycaregiver/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/happyhealthycaregiver
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/elizabethbmiller/
Twitter: https://twitter.com/HHCaregiver
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/HHCaregiver/
TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@happyhealthycaregiver
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAcYkpMK6I3Y0ep-kyvrZaQ

Transcript

Unknown: 0:02

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate the inspired lead with helpful tips and resources and of course, laughs Now, let's get to today's confession. ACA Good morning, Natalie. And how are you doing? You know, I'm feeling really fantastic today. You know, we have a celebrity with us today. I know. And because of that you promised not to sing. Oh, no. Family. I got all my sisters with me. Oh, man, I didn't even think she would bring that one up. You really pulled that one out. I really did pull that one out. Because Elizabeth is definitely a sister and we love her. And so we could banter all day. Yeah, but I want you to tell our guests about okay, it's my turn because it's my turn. Okay, and I'm, I'm not gonna let all this process out. But I first need to tell everyone that we met Elizabeth at the first event Natalie and I ever attended. November, we couldn't even spell it. Yeah, we didn't know how we couldn't. And so she was a force to be reckoned with. And I'm going to tell you that Elizabeth is fierce. That's a better term. What is important to know are the words that she said to us during that very last day. She said, if you need anything, or if I can help you let me know. And she already said that this morning on our phone call what we love. And I know that is how she is though in all aspects of her life. Her story is about caregiving and caring for aging parents with chronic and terminal illnesses, and for a sibling with developmental disabilities. And that story has inspired her to do so much more. She is changing the face of caregiving in Atlanta, and the US and really worldwide with all of her experiences. And we are so excited every year, I feel like we're gonna have a great day because she's like a wealth of knowledge. We learn all kinds of stuff from her. Right. All right, we're ready. Let's get started. Oh, let's do it. Elizabeth, welcome to the show. Hello, sisters. Wonderful to be here. Very, very exciting. Well, so we normally, JJ always laughs and makes fun of me because I'm like, Okay, let's start from the beginning. You were born, and then skip forward. So you've got quite the caregiving journey, and then what you've done with it after, which is pretty amazing. I mean, you're not you're still a caregiver. I mean, you're not retired. Good try. Like it just keeps going. So. So tell us a little bit about your family because this is caregiving for family. And I bet you snuck in some caregiving for some other people, though, too. I don't doubt that at all. Yeah, I think we were all caregiving for we knew we were caregiving. I mean, in reality, I've been a sibling, support caregiver my entire life. I hadn't my older brother was born with a developmental and intellectual disabilities. So I was exposed. And you know, had to kind of learn how to how to help you know where it could there. But really, you know, I'm one of the six kids so Wow, in a big family, someone always needs care. Yeah. Because we've, you know, we reproduce we have lots of cousins and a big family so I'll never be bored. I'm always Are you Catholic? You can I was born Catholic. Okay, first confession, though, like, my husband was born Jewish, or he's Jewish. Okay. Cultural. I would say that a religious Jewish man, and I can convert it to be a Methodist when my kids were small, at first so I could get them into the Methodist preschool. I know I'm probably going to hell, but I did gives. I really, really, it happened all at a great time. Like before my life started kind of started crumbling, where we joined that church and I loved it. And we had some amazing, amazing events, you know, upward soccer and all that but going back like so, I'm Jan and the Brady Bunch, and the middle daughter, boys, three girls, and I, you know, my parents had chronic comorbidities is what we call it like they were I called it affectionately a cocktail of different things. They were not healthy, really my entire adult life. So, but things really started to spiral and 2014 where it was like one hospitalization after another. We thought my my mom was going to die. You know, she was intubated. She's kind of sprung back. And as soon as she got back through rehab, my dad got sick. My parents lived six hours from me and Georgia and we were the closest family to them. Me and my brothers that live here in Atlanta, and they were in their dream home and they wanted to age in place. I didn't know it was called that but we had like mini interview pensions. I wrote tearful letters, emails, phone calls, dinners out like this is not working. You all need to move. That did not happen. Were they Florida? I'm Interrupting cow Darrin Florida. I figured. I mean, it's the mecca of all aging places. Yes, they lived in a beautiful place they lived in in Amelia Island, Florida. But they probably didn't put their toes in the sand. They could see it, but probably at least the last 10 years that they live there. I mean, that was just too much for them. They, you know, we hired in help, to help with them, let some personal care and activities. And then we were there people, all of their kids. And they made it very clear that when they needed us, we were to come. And that was the way it was going to be. So why would you want a job I have to interrupt is what are you working at that time we have children, your kids? Yes, I had to middle school kids. It went when I was getting ready to start high school. I'd miss birthdays, I missed holidays. I missed I had to leave conferences early like and lots of six hour drives back and forth from Atlanta to Georgia, which is kind of where this whole happy healthy caregiver thing that the little seedlings were planted in some of those like thought drives, like a lot of time to think. So my parents had had a lot they weren't like COPD, sleep apnea, heart disease, auto immune diseases, depression, morbid obesity, like they were a cocktail of different stuff. They were like, essentially posters of what not to do with your life, like healthy life. And I say all this with the other thing of like, and they were amazing. I love my parents, you know, so but you know, made me bad, bad health choices. And at the same time, my husband Jason, so I have a daughter, Natalie and a husband, Jason. So while we were meant to be besties, yes. And my husband, Jason was caring for his mom who had lung cancer at the same time. So we were like double stack sandwich generation, caregivers not knowing that that's what we were called. So that was 2014. And long story short, my dad died in 2014. His mom died in 2014. So we lost, we both lost a parent that shitty year. So we call that our spiral year. And at that point, we were kind of in this like, worst case scenario, because if I'm being honest, again, confession time, like, Dad would have been okay. My dad would have been okay, I had my mom passed first. But he was the primary caregiver of my mom and my brother. And so that's what we see. Right? And a lot of older couples is that the strong one declines, fast and rapidly. And that's definitely what happened in my dad's case. So then we're kind of in this worst case scenario, we have my brother and my mom, six hours from family, like, what are we going to do? So my parents used to live in Atlanta, so at least we felt like they kind of knew what this was like. And my mom clearly could not live on her own anymore. Although she didn't know that. She definitely thought she could. How old was your mom at the time? Oh, gosh, she was early 70s. She's early 70s. How old's your brother? But she's my brother is 61 now, so maybe, you know going? Yeah, and years ago? Yeah. 31. Okay, so it's, you know, and we're all kind of have kids, my siblings, most of us are having kids and stuff and raising kids, and working for sure. So anyway, long story short, we moved mom to Atlanta, she lived in an assisted living, I've moved her twice while she was here, because I picked the first one for certain reasons, and then learned a lot and pick the second one for better reasons. And it was not quite a fit. My mom was kind of spoiled, you know, wanted that on demand care, which they can never provide. Right. So that was definitely a crazy like year and a half. It's hard to say that it was like a year and a half because it felt like 10 years. But that's that's really what it was was a year and a half. We moved my brother in with my other brother who was a bachelor, and he was also in the Atlanta area. So we felt like okay, they're kind of together, Tom can go visit my mom. His name's Tom, my brother, my brother with a disability. And so that worked for a while until it didn't. And it was like mom's house started changing but not quite to the point where she needed skilled nursing like she was the young person in that group where she felt like she didn't have a lot in common with the people there. So my older sister Susie, her kids had all graduated we're settling in to their life. She had gotten a divorce. She was like, I'm gonna take bomb and I thought she was crazy. And that is exactly our story. Exactly. Our story like you should Turn Around Don't Drown. Once you turn around, don't drown. And so my sister Susie cared for my mom for the four years beyond that. Oh wow. And moved her from like her home and Pennsylvania to Michigan. You know, first from Georgia like we are so good at moving people much transient people. Yes. Just like selling the condo and all of the things that we had to do, like while we were still grieving our dad back, you know, back when we moved here from Florida. And yeah, so then mom lived in Michigan, Michigan was where my sister ended up buying my parents summer home. So they lived in Florida. They had a summer house and Hubbard Lake Michigan's beautiful middle of nowhere, though. And my sister went up there. She's an artist, she's like, I'm going to paint take care of mom. It's going to be amazing. I'm not sure it was amazing, but, and my brother lived with her for some parts of that too. Like we my brother, Tom ended up being kind of like a snowbird, he would, they would move back and forth between Georgia and Michigan. And partly that came to be as like a caregiving necessity because he was fighting with us about he drives. And he wanted to drive on icy roads. He's a big guy, he's, you know, can be very forceful about the way he says things. And we just were like, This isn't working. So he lives, you know, cold months in Georgia, warm months in Michigan. And that's still the plan. Today, we're kind of having, we're in a new phase. So mom passed away in 2020. And we're in a new phase of life where we're sibling caregivers full time, right? Like, we were caring for him when my mom was sick, for sure. Because the last two years, my mom was bedridden, and on hospice for her life. So when that went a lot of help happening from her, you know, for many years, so we were figuring it out. But these, you know, now we're in this new phase of like, trying to navigate the intellectual and developmental disability care world, especially as an adult, like, I feel like there's a lot of resources for young people, there is a but he's 61 years old. And he's been kind of like, I forget who said this to me recently, but they were like, your parents really isolated him. And I'm like, Yeah, they did isolate him, like he's been not integrated with other people like him. And so now we're kind of like, approaching some of those topics, and thinking about his long term care plans, and trying to get him more integrated with people I think we'll have more in common with and he'll have like, social self care. So that was a lot. I don't know if that was very quick. That was like, Oh my God, you're like forcing it out. You're like, here's the thing, it's totally fine. Because we're gonna ask you like, some questions and just know that we're interrupting cows, we just move all over. We move all over the place, like who interrupted. So like, there's so much stuff like to unpack really? Because Okay, so I need to know, I need to step back. I know, okay, birth order of people. Okay. Ah, I kind of oldest brother, okay, no help. Consistent. I call him my word for him is consistent. He's been consistent my whole life. So why would he be more help in caregiving? Like, he never babysat us. He never took us anywhere. He never was I helped to my parents. It you know, he he made but he might think he was like, you know, when you know who I'm talking about. So that's him. He's not gonna listen to this. So it's gonna be fine. Consistent, I'm not even sure. I'm not even sure he knows exactly what I do. And to the point where like, I remember one time, he bought me a gift for the holidays. It was cute. He kind of made these business cards for my little sister and I and he spelled my name wrong. I have to say that because I feel like that just kind of clarifies it. Right. So that's my oldest. Then I have my sister Susie, she's 11 years older than me. She is like the new matriarch of our family. Okay, he is, she is the epitome of who you want to take care of you. She's a great cook, she keeps a great house. She's got this artist thing. She's so sweet and endearing and has been a fabulous mother to her kids. So that's Susie, then I have my brother Tom, who needs care. So developmental intellectual disability. Then I have my brother Tim, who lives in Atlanta, my oldest brother and my brother, Tim live in Atlanta. And Tim is has no kids was married, you know, for a little bit, lives alone. And he is a great help in the caregiving realm and in life. But you have to be very specific about what you need. Like, you gotta be like, I need you to do this on this day at this time, like, he would do it. So like when mom lived in assisted living, like he ended up taking over her grocery shopping because I was barely grocery shopping for my family. I felt like so. And she didn't need a lot, but she needed her ginger ale and her mom needs her cokes and chocolate Clementine is yeah, all the little things that make her happy, or made her happy, I should say, okay, and then there's a six year gap. So then there's after my brother and then there's me. But the reason why there's a six year gap is because my mom was like my mom lost her first husband to leukemia. My older four siblings look Italian because their dad was Italian so we're technically a blended family. Although They were young you know, my Tim, who was the next step for me is was like to if that when his dad died so they didn't let some of them don't even remember their dad frankly. So that mate she married my dad and they had me and my sister so I have a little sister that lives in DC so sister Michigan sister DC rather Snowbird, other brothers here, wait a second for you go because I can tell you're gonna say Sanjay, we need to take a break. We'll be right back. I'm ready. Hey, ladies, I need to interrupt for just a second to share about the sisterhood membership. It's basically a sale every day. And the best part, it's free. Here's the details. We're partnering with our friends at benefit hub and other care partners to save you money. With over 200,000 participating companies across the US and abroad. You'll find discounts at your favorite local stores, huge savings on vacations, amazing deals on home auto and supplemental insurances and everything in between. Go to Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com to sign up. And then definitely tell your friends about it. They can join to trust me, there's a discount for everyone. And don't forget, it's free. Okay, back to Kim passing. Everybody, we're back here with Elizabeth, we're talking about a lot of sibling care. But the requirements when you're communicating with multiple siblings on who's not super consistent, who needs a lot of direction, and what you need to do to make a family work. This is really good too. Because I'm loving the the siblings so Okay, so we've talked about, you know, we talked about your dad, we talked about your mom and we high level and talking about your brother. And I know that especially now that we know that Tom is your brother that you and the siblings have committed to supporting because I mean, that's that's the every family with a child that has disabilities is going to have to face that the Schlissel sisters that we met with, they have buddy who is second born out of the four of them. And they absolutely think about who's going to take care of buddy after mom and dad are gone. And so I think that's so important. But before we get to him, there's six of you guys and your parents are living down in Florida. And what's the communication like about like, Hey, thanks, mom and dad got some stuff going on? I think we step in, what's that? Like? Do you all talk about money? Or do you have a separate text group or like us, we have multiple text groups to talk about each other, too. I mean, luckily my dad was like, a money man. Like he knew that he had things pretty buttoned up and, and even had the foresight, like he, he, my mom and my dad had a trust made it very easy. When they passed away, like he was prepared. He did all of that stuff. Amazingly, right. He had a special needs trust from my brother, my brother gets Social Security Disability Insurance. So like, thank you so much. Like Thank you, you know, for for putting all that together. And, you know, we also didn't have the financial burden that people have my parents had retired, my dad was, you know, owned his own companies sold his company in his early 50s. And they lived at the beach, like, amazing, like, I didn't grow up with a silver spoon, but the Silver Spoon came later for them in life. So that was nice. Yeah, that gave us a lot of peace of mind. And, you know, when he when he passed, you know, we would have their their numbers of people to call, we would have little financial meetings with their financial planner on like, how much money was left for my mom. And you know, we were starting to kind of sweat it out near the end, like we're running, we were gonna run out, we would have definitely run out had she's made, stayed in assisted living that whole time that she passed after, after dad. But most of the communication like we loved the caringbridge app for when my parents were in hospital to thing like it was an even to the point like when my dad was in the hospital, and my mom could not go because she was not healthy enough to be able to go visit him. It was her lifeline to like reading all the comments making writing letters to Larry and caringbridge. And people sharing photos. Like it was kind of like her feeling like she was doing something through that. That app. So that was a big thing. And then the Yeah, a lot of times it's like, Hey, this is happening. Can you call like the siblings? Like we, you know, we would get the we would get the personal touch on some of these sad decisions and things that were happening. So yeah, but mostly it was complaining and like, What the heck are they thinking? Yeah, if there was ever a disagreement, like for example, you said your sister said, Okay, I'm gonna take mom on she's gonna move in with me. So was there a, you know, you were like shaking your head, like no turn around. Don't drown if there was anything, yeah. Was there ever a time when there was a disagreement on care? Did you guys kind of work that out or somebody just took the lead? I mean, we've had I would say the closest thing we've had to like a fight is Fen recent, which is where, you know, my sister this this thing with my brother Tom, and like getting him more integrated with people who are like him. So there's a community in the Atlanta area, and it has like a year two year waiting list. And it's kind of a unicorn for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, like one in Austin, one in Illinois, and one in Suwanee, Georgia, which is like 45 minutes from me so that those conversations have been tough where like, you know, we don't necessarily all agree on what's best for him. But my little sister is kind of a good buffer between Suzy wants kind of everything at home. I want him to have friends and like at least experiences like we can always change our minds. Yeah, right. What if this is amazing for him? Like right now I'm his person that goes to play bingo and goes to Sonny's BBQ like, I would like to have to have friends. So you know, we put our we talk about the goals and things like that, then my sister is definitely worried about the money. More so. So there's, there's that and then the little sister is kind of she, she helps kind of and we're not like we're great. Like don't get absolutely. That's your power? Like we absolutely. Oh no, we're the same. But sometimes we argue, yes, we love each other. But reality if you don't argue, I don't know what the hell's wrong with you. I'm like, you gotta get a little mad every now and then be like, I don't agree with that. Because I didn't agree to my sister's about mom. I do agree with it. We're all different people, right? Like so. You know, my, my little sister has her own business she is in she works. She has to work a lot. She's growing her, you know, media company in DC. So media PR kind of company, the my oldest sister, you know, she's not been in the corporate world so may not have the complete understanding of that. And she goes to a different breeze though, as an artist. Yeah, she's an artist. Nurturing, like, you know, I mean, like we would I you know, sometimes she fed her kids breakfast every morning before they go to school, I was gone before my kids went to school, like I was like, here's the cereal counter don't turn on the oven. I remember, like we taught taught them how to make scrambled eggs. I literally made breakfast for them. If it was the first day of school, or they had a big test, I would stay home and make breakfast otherwise. So we've just had parents had very different ways to so the nurturing part is like innate in my sister and I am more of a tough love, like, pushing it and being like, well, this is part of what they need for their own physical and occupational therapy. Or, you know, they can do this themselves or what all of that so I'm, I push it, you know, there and Annie, my little sister is somewhere kind of in the middle. But we are sister power. In fact, we used to do this thing, like during the spiral years of like, literally like Wonder Twins, but we were Wonder Twins, triplets where we would put our things together. We like Sister power. I like that. Like when stuff was really, really bad. And we would cry. And so like, yes, but they they we are the three sisters that make it all happen. Like yeah, between us all we make it happen. So where are your brothers in this? I mean, one brother is like, just consistent. Yep. Consistent. Other brothers, like, you know, needs care. And then Tim, is we pull him in as needed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So he's PRN. He appreciate? What's, what's here. Oh, as there's a medication term, and you take it as you need it. Yes. We're like, well, just, you know, he knows just enough because also like Tim hasn't had kids like, it's, I hate saying it that way too. But it's like he doesn't like he's doesn't have as much patience with my brother. He just doesn't. And I think it's not a woman. Yeah. So you know, understood. So I'm always curious about this. So your parents, of course have passed and then you've got your brother and you guys are making all these decisions, but we need to talk about you. So this is you know, today we're going to talk about you know about you. So you have kids, you have a career. I know your husband, you guys are working busy family live in traffic land that being Yeah, yeah. So what is going on with you? Like, we're going to talk about mental we're going to talk about physical like, what's going on you taking care of yourself? I mean, so I had, I was trying, like, I've always battled my weight. Like I've got these, you know, two examples of like, okay, I'm not going to be morbidly obese. I'm not going to have mobility issues like, and this is part of my gene pool. That's not great. So I was already like, doing stuff like I had, you know, run a half marathon. I've always kind of worked out like my entire adult life. So some of that stuff was still happening. I had to be very intentional about it. and talk to my husband Jason about like how we were gonna kind of fit it in. I don't like myself, if I haven't worked out in two days, like, I don't want to be in my own skin. I have general anxiety, and I have hypothyroidism. So I definitely have to, like pay attention to some, the hormone. And the anxiety is stuff that that I got to cope with. But back at that time was gaining weight, had to up my prescription for anxiety. My face was like, so bad, so broken out, you know, not not sleeping Great. Struggling between like, do I work out? Or should I get more sleep like that was kind of always the constant kind of pull there. Didn't have a lot of time for relationships, like my husband and I were just kind of like passing chips. Hey, you got this. I got this. And it was more like we were business partners. Don't forget the kids. So oh, you happen to have procreate as well. Yes, yeah. And then the kids part like, I mean, I've had my kids on the on the happy, healthy caregiver podcast, because I kind of wanted to know how they, how they survived all of this, and like how they came out of it. But I will say like, I think it has helped make them like really good human beings right now. Like, they're young adults who who are great, but it was, it was a necessity to like, literally sit them down and be like, look, we've got too much happening. And so if you want to have any fun in your life with us, you know, we're gonna need you to step up. So they, we said school is your job. We expect you to check your blogs to do this and that like literally like, this is your job. We are not asking you to go out and get another work because we're expecting you to get this done. These are the things you're going to do around the house, you're gonna have to get yourself to school, you're gonna have to love a lot. So and they did it. Yeah, I think they missed school like the bus one time, maybe two times. And literally, like called a neighbor to take him to school, like knew they couldn't even call me to be like, Wow, we missed the bus. They just figured it out. You have great kids. Like, they're there. No way you right? What you did is you built resilient children, and their independence and resilience. And you've taught them and gave them the opportunity to be independent. And some people, there'll be people who are like, Oh my god, I can't believe you did that. But I look at our own mom. And our mom worked. Our dad worked. And our mom still did all through traditional female responsibilities in the house. Oh, the invisible labor. Yes. Yeah. So that would be correct. And yeah, yeah, I'm trying to I can I hear you because mom would have Leibold eggs on the oven for us. Or she'd start you know, oatmeal or leave it and just so what a great option. You didn't have Pop Tarts. Which is not a breakfast food. By the way. It's not only fine, like, Lucky Charms is fine, too, especially if you eat just the marshmallows and put the other ones back in JJ doesn't know. Wow. Yeah. I mean, there are definitely times times for that. And like the thing is, is like I wouldn't have pushed my kids if I didn't think they were capable of doing it. Like if they had Sneads of things that they needed to do like I would I love to master a carpool. Like one of the things I had going for me as a caregiver is like I am an organized, productive person. And I think that helps me as an entrepreneur to like I can I can take on more than the average bear. You know what I mean? Like it's, but I do know that I have a limit like I'm not Superwoman so but and they have been exposed to some of that so like but carpels like I we project manage it. We project manage caregiving. I love that. She's she's very practical. I do like that. You are like you are Natalie. It's like, to the extent of Okay, make the list. Now who's done this? Who's done this? Yeah, I've said this, she's like, we are not going Emily yells at me, Elizabeth. Emily tells me she's like, stop talking to me, like your employer, like I'm an employee. And I'm like, don't act like someone has to project manage. Yeah, somebody has to do it. The thing is, though, is like what's different about it than work. And this is the part that I've had to be better at is like, you can't project manage your emotions. And, you know, you can also you can kind of project manager self care to some degree, but like getting the activities done, but it's not going to work. If you're not really tuned in, if that makes sense. Like I can go and do the things. But unless I'm really like feeling the feels, it's not going to work. So that part has really you know, I've had to work on that. Like even in the my business, the happy healthy caregiver stuff like the beginning of B is like it's all focused on physical self care, eating right? Exercising, like even sleep didn't come till later. It wasn't it's throughout these nine years that I've really discovered like all the different categories of self care, like the important for social self care, spiritual, professional, practical, emotional, social, like all of it financial like it's all part of it like you've got to really tune in to all pieces of it. Yeah. Okay, hold on one second, because we're going to take a break and I want to come back into those categories. Yeah, absolutely. If you like confessions, we have another podcast. We'd love to recommend the happy healthy caregiver podcast with Elizabeth Miller as a fellow homecare network podcaster. We love how Elizabeth chatted up with family caregivers and dives into their caregiving and self care strategies, just like us. Elizabeth believes that family caregivers are the experts in caregiving. Beyond the informative conversations, Elizabeth reveals the tried and true resources and practical self care tips that empower caregivers to prioritize their health and happiness. You can find the happy, healthy caregiver podcast wherever you download your favorite podcast, or go to the website, and happy healthy caregiver.com. All right, we are back here with Elizabeth Miller. And she just said something that hit me hard. She said you cannot know you cannot manage your emotions. And I will pop back to what we were talking about Elizabeth, when you talked about caring for yourself and the impact of you personally, because everything that you said, That's me, you know, you talk about, I gain weight, that's probably my hardest thing. I have severe anxiety. So those things if somebody out there is experiencing that, that's that's not uncommon. And for me, that was, you know, 40 pounds when we started moving mom around up the prescription, like, Am I going crazy. And my husband said the same thing you are losing it. You You named multiple 14 categories that were like three categories of self care, because here's the thing that I hate, because I totally interrupted you, Jay. But I hate the word self care, because it's so it's so used, like collaboration is used all the time. So let's like break it down. And I loved how you said let's talk about categories of self care. Because I think that's so important as this comes back under tips and resources. And so let's just kind of break it down of how the different ways that you can impact your physical health and wellness through different types of self care strategies. I want to toss in there, Elizabeth has a podcast versus she does Yeah, be healthy caregiver. And similar in all of this, like 2015, she actually started all of this in their busy life and her busy life to start this and let's see what she has like she's a plethora of information. So let's get going on that. How stupid was I thinking I could be an entrepreneur, like, here's the thing y'all like, it was saving me like, right first, it was a blog before it was a podcast. Yeah, like the writing saved me. And then, you know, that's why the journaling journal came about is I wanted other people to try that on the just for your daily self care journal. So it's been a layered cake. So like, I didn't come out as the whole cake, like, and I'm still layering my cake and taken off layers and things like that. But it was at first it was the blog, right. And here's another confession. Like when I first started writing, I wrote anonymously, like it was just, and I thought, this is not really who I am. Like, I'm the person who wants to share the things that are going to work for other people, potentially, for them to try it on. And like save them the pain and the worry of it. So it was like that was kind of the first grapple is like, I'm just gonna put this out there and it was worth less worried about me, the vulnerability of me but more worried about like, Is my mom gonna be okay with me talking about her? Is my sister siblings gonna feel so far? Like, they haven't burned my house down like nothing? Nothing winning. Yeah. And my brother Tim, like the one write up for me, shares my content better than anybody, any of my friends and my siblings. He's like, so sweet. Yes, I love that. And I think he listens to the all the podcast too. So like, he's, he's, he's great. Okay, but back to the self care thing. So but yes, I was crazy. But it was it was self care. For me. It was emotional self care, to journal and kind of lighten my load. And what I found is that the more I was sharing it, and the more transparent I was, the more clearly I saw myself. And that was, that was good. But the physical part was kind of like a game for me at first. And I'll, I'll be the first one to tell both of y'all in the whole world. I don't have this weight management thing figured out yet. Like I'm a healthy person, and I'm a happy person, but I am not a skinny person. And I don't think I'll ever be a skinny person. I know what skinny would look like. I was born this big. And here's the thing, like, I've come to terms as a 52 year old woman, like I don't want to live my life without red wine and pizza. Like Absolutely. I'm like doing it. So so but you said something important, you said but I'm healthy. And that's the key when you're talking about exercising and things like that. It sounds like just getting outside and just just doing the wellness of yourself. Yeah. willness Yes, yes, exactly. It's not happy skidding caregiver. It's not it's not it's on turning that off if you change the name happy skinny caregiver that is not like the skinny be, but it's like, you know, it was a game for me and it still is a game like I love to try on self care habits and see what's worked. So you'd asked about the categories. We talked physical people know what that is right? Yeah, I would add like drinking water, you know, all of that stuff is physical emotional journaling, meditating, like whatever is gonna make you feel it feels therapy, all of that financial, making sure you're staying on your budget, that you've got a plan of how you're going to pay for stuff that you got your Pio ways and you know, all of your things together, which we have my husband and I did that last year. I was like, we've got to get this done. I'm not doing I'm not creating habit for my kids. I'm not doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Spiritual. So whether you're a you know, go to faith communities, or not like whatever your spirituality is, nature is very important for me, like I know this about myself that, in addition to be not liking myself, when I don't work out, I don't like it when I haven't been outside. So I go outside every day. And I spend at least 1520 minutes, unless it's really, really, really bad weather. And then I might sit on my porch and wish I was outside. But so whatever that is for, for people, that spiritual part, practical, not, I'm good at this part, too. Like, sometimes it's cleaning off your desk, sometimes it's getting your paperwork together. Sometimes it's getting organized and making things sustainable. Like, that is self care. Because for me, like a litmus test of self care is like, is it going to give me peace of mind? Is it going to energize me? Or is it just plain fun. And then if it hits those things, for me, that's self care. And so practical self care is like, clearing off my desk and doing some of these things is eliminates worries and gives me peace of mind. Intellectual self care is also I think I missed seeing that one earlier. But like, I'm learning, I'm a lifelong learner, I'm gonna like, I'm going to do my Wordle. And my connections every morning, I'm gonna learn about developmental disabilities, and how I can better support my brother, I'm going to learn about medications that are out there. And so all of that stuff, and then just reading, reading for fun, like is a big part of my life. I love I love to read social self care, we're doing it. Yep, we're doing right now. Oh, yeah. I'm just connecting with other people, you know, my book clubs sometimes, you know, sometimes you can combine these things. And I could go on a hike with my girlfriends, or I can play pickleball with my husband. And I'm hitting like, a couple of the things at the same time. And then professional, like we got to grow, we got to grow in our profession. And what that look like is in try to hit some of the goals that we want. And whether you work or not, I think there's some kind of a profession that we all have, so that we can, you know, give back in some ways to community could be volunteering could be doing some, something like that. So those are my eight categories. Other people might have different categories, but most of the content that I care about and write about and share about is hits one of those. Hmm, I like all eight. Yeah, I like I'm like I need it. Do you have a checklist for this? Because I need to like post this on a bookmark? No, Elizabeth has all kinds of resources on my website. Chat for y'all. Yeah, we will make you gotta get oh, no, you got to journal, you've got all kinds of stuff. Oh, thank you that and make sure we're gonna tell you. I'll just tell you right now. Happy, Healthy caregiver.com has all kinds of chock full of awesome resources. And I subscribed to Elizabeth's newsletter because Elizabeth likes me better than Jay. But I'm on there, too. So well, maybe you both do. Make me pick. Oh, oh, and I'm gonna say, um, there's so much information that I love, Jake. Like, we're running out of time. I don't like it. She needs to come we need to do a session with her. You know, just so she can like impart this wisdom because like, the stuff that's in here, everything comes from experience. And I think that's what's so fantastic for you, Elizabeth. I mean, there's so much you can learn book knowledge about caregiving. But you're like, man, I've been in it. I've been it's been messy. It's been awful. I'm still learning like that. Sometimes, like people will say, Oh, here's the happy, healthy caregiver. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not calling myself that. This is a beacon of what we're all striving to be like, I am a work in progress. So, but I think it's important and that's why I love speaking to companies and different groups is because like, I wish that I heard somebody, you know, just sharing their story and fast tracking media resources and being like, oh, you're a caregiver. So that is so important to me. And it's a great way to kind of scale the message to people who may not know who may not know even what they are and how to even Google and find a podcast like yours or mine. In or whatever. So like, how do we break down those barriers? For me it feels like getting out into the community and getting into the corporate world, or is how I'm trying to infiltrate as my me and my one person army. Yeah. Well, you know, at least you have a lot of cheerleaders because we count ourselves as one of those. Yes, one of your leaders that loves you. You know what, though, JJ, it's time for Sister questions. Okay. Elizabeth, I know that you have. Do you have your journal right there beside you? You're both Yes. Yes. Glad that you're holding the journal. So she has this fantastic journal, book. And so you can find it on how happy healthy caregiver as well. And it encourages your writing. But every time that you're videoed with her, she opens up that book like a wild woman, and she asked you these questions. So open the book only and only open your own book. Just random. You have to pick anything. You're going to read it and give us an answer. What side left or right, left? Center. Oh, gosh, okay. Yeah, it was my question. It's left. Oh, okay. I'll give you all choice. It's in what way did a loss of something or someone transform you? I'm maybe that one's more obvious. In general, what's your self care plan? Which one do y'all like? I think transformed. How are you transform transformed? Um, I mean, listen, like so many ways loss has transformed me and I'm not just talking about like losing people. I'm talking about like losing you know, kind of the image of what you thought like what's gonna go like in a certain group of your life or losing I lost my mom before I lost my mom if that makes sense. Like her she just can continue to decline and not just cognitively but my mobility and all that. So how did it transform me like Well, look, I got a different career. Like, haha, I spent my career in IT and corporate strategy and gave myself a huge pay cut to, to work with family caregivers, so and I thought a million times, like when I was blogging and doing podcasts, and I'm like, Girl, what are you doing? Like, just hang it up and phone it in on your day job? Like, do that? Nope. So like, constantly thought about quitting? And maybe honestly, probably still think about it. Like, should I keep doing this? So that has transformed me and then transformed my self care routine, like self care is a non negotiable for me. Like it's happening. Getting my mammogram today, by the way. Fantastic. I didn't wear deodorant. That was my biggest thing. Like I kind of remember not to wear deodorant, and they always shame you if you'd like put your exactly right. That is important for every podcast, because I had that in the same thing. And then I had to think about it. Like, would you have judged me if I hadn't put on deodorant? Yeah, yeah. And now I'm sweating out these sisters questions. So anyway, there's that and then what was the other way it transformed, so self care business? And then just like, we are prepared, like my husband and I, we have conversations that we would not have had before, probably like, we would have just been like, in denial, like every other American about, like, our time here on Earth. Yeah. Wow. All right. So I have to, okay, because I've now because I can, and that's because I can change. It's like, I don't care. What, what would based on everything that you know, now, what would you advise your younger self? What would I advise my younger self? Um, I mean, and maybe this is talking, it's good that you asked this question Natalie. Because it's JJ keeps saying just like Natalie it just like Natalie is like, caregiving was a big lesson for me on learning how to let go. And like, in same with entrepreneurship, like I've had to kind of let go of what I think the path should be like. And it has turned out okay. And sometimes it's turned out better. So I think just kind of letting go of expectations and, and kind of going with the flow and sitting back and just having faith that things are going to work out. I would tell my younger self that is like, it's gonna it's going to be okay. Look at all this stuff that you've already like, survived, you know, a crazy move. Even when I was in middle school, I had to move from rural Pennsylvania to Georgia. That was that was traumatic. So all of those things like you, you can you're a tough cookie, and you can do hard things but you do not have to do them alone. You've got a support system and people all around you. That's it. I love that you're a tough cookie that you don't have to do it alone. That's I am a recovering perfectionist, I still have that active on my treatment plan as well as cursing. And so because I still so work on that. Alright and last last question because this is my favorite one. He knows what it is. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? The one thing that you do just for you. My favorite current guilty pleasure is I love it when I don't have to like rip myself out of bed. in the morning, and I can get a cup of coffee and snuggle with my two dogs and I play Wordle and the upper The New York Times, the all the free things I played weren't not all of them, three of them Wordle connections, and the mini crossword with a cup of coffee and my dogs in bed. And if I'm really feeling guilty that day, I will also read a chapter of my book. And the puzzles those are all made that is that is my thing. If I'm a puzzler, I gotta tell you, and she would also hug the newspaper when we were children and not let us read it because she wanted to open all the untouched pages and saying, I don't want anybody messing with my stuff. She was such a bagel. I love those books when I was little the fill in the blank books that you would get at Hallmark. Yes, y'all remember those? And I still have some of mine downstairs. I need to go. What's in there? You're probably worth millions of dollars. Yeah, that's it. I have had so much fun with you. I just so you have so much good heartfelt information though. Like you opened it and I've been leaking. I just leak like now. It's okay. We love you though. Yeah, I don't care. This no judgment free zone. We're like basically working out but minus the calorie burn by now. Well, thank you so much for being on with us. And because our time is done, but guys, until we confess again. We'll see you next time. Thanks. Bye bye. Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Again, thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry, all the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again, till then take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised to find out but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice. As always, my sister's night at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver have taken care in selecting the speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors, or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to The Confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast.