Unhinged with My Ex-Husband, Part 2: Did Our Marriage Drive Him to an Affair?

Cassidy and Brett sit down in the second part of this two part series to talk about the hard parts of Brett's mental health struggles over the years, how Cassidy tried to support him and manage her own mental health, and how they are choosing to move forward to co-parent their two young children and find ways to heal as they enter their 30s and part ways from a nearly decade-long relationship. 

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Transcript

Cassidy Weyers  0:02  
For context for anyone listening, so we posted a week from now. But it's also the day after the original podcast was recorded, recorded.

And we were going to wait a few days to start recording.

But I made a ballsy move and started asking people for input on the first recording.

And I got some feedback that not only made me really, really angry.

But in hindsight, the more I tried to figure out why it made me angry, I realize it made me feel really hurt.

One, it was validating exactly why I set out to do this podcast, it was showing some serious light on like the deep and creepy undertones of misogyny and how people deem that I should react to this situation or how I should treat you.

Based on one podcast recording, missing a whole crapload of context and failing to see the big picture like failing to see that we're in this position and recording this podcast because you destroyed our family. And I think that's the part that really floored me the most was the people telling me that I should stop belittling you, or that I should be nicer to you. When in reality, I really didn't belittle you all that much. There were probably some moments and undertones where maybe I said some things that I probably shouldn't have, or that would be considered that. And I admitted that I do have a tendency, especially now because there's so much underlying resentment. And there's so much pain that I definitely at moments do. But I also try hard to acknowledge them or I reflect on it later. And I apologize to you and I don't always because sometimes I just miss it or I don't recognize it. But I know what's wrong, what I'm not okay with and the reason we're recording this while I'm still feeling fresh and angry. And all of the fields surrounding some of that feedback is that I think we really need to get into some of the nitty gritty as to what led us here and

to dismantle so much of the toxic thought process that goes into some people when they analyze the situation like the people who are worried about your well being are worried that I belittled you too much like fucking laughable, like truly fucking laughable. If anybody is worried about your mental state. It's me. It's always been me. It's been me from the start. Hence me spending years begging you to get help when I knew you needed it and more than anything, and you telling me it was fine. Are you brushing it off? So for people to tell me that they're worried about your mental state now off of one podcast in the first 30 minutes where I really wanted you to get with the program or because I just knew that you were inadvertently beating around the fucking bush. It's just funny. Like I

It pisses me the fuck off to be honest. I can't tolerate it.

Brett Weyers  3:03  
It wasn't just you. Because I was i i walked back in the door and you're like, people feel bad for you. And they're mad at me. And I I was so confused. I was like, How the hell did we get there? Is anybody mad at you? Were blaming you. And then you told me that what everyone was saying. I was like, How does anybody think this and then it kind of clicked and I was like, oh, Cass? Are these people making comments after only making it through like the first 30 minutes to an hour the episode? Because if you listen to only the first part of it, yeah, you're gonna take things out of context. But then later on, we get to that point where I start talking about how you, you supported me for all 10 years. And now. Now it's just this is the end, you needed to stop you you feel very emotionally unsafe and unsecure. And yeah, I mean, for you to be unhinged on social media. And while we're doing an interview is, I just find it very surprising that people expect you to literally not almost not act that way, because I destroy you for 10 years. That's the part that I think floors me too is like people are expecting me to still find it in me to be gracious and kind to you. I find it ridiculous that you have to almost defend yourself for that for being heartbroken. Yeah, like, that's how I feel. I feel like I have to defend myself for being fucking crushed. Like, I don't know how else to paint a picture for people to get them to understand that like,

Cassidy Weyers  4:37  
my family's falling apart, and I'm mourning the loss of something that I was so excited to build. Like, I was so committed to this marriage. People have asked me, why did you stay if it was so bad, or if you had so many issues? By the time things actually got hard? We were already married at that point. And then I was like, Well, fuck, I'm committed to this. Like, I made vows and maybe it's just me

Maybe it's just for now. And for a while, I think

I attributed so much of the shit that we were going through your actions back to your substance abuse or like the addictive part of you. So then I was like, Well, maybe if we can really just help get him to help for the addiction part, the rest of this will go away. And I wanted to reason so badly with being fair, you know?

Brett Weyers  5:25  
Do you Do you remember, I think you asked me that the other day you had asked? You are curious to know how much the addiction played into everything. And I had thought about that. Right. And so I made the connection before you ask the question as like Jesus, like, there were times where I was sober for like nine months. And even during those times, I was still making shit choices. And so yeah, the the diction didn't make it any easier to make good choices. But it was not like the problem. The problem was me.

Cassidy Weyers  6:06  
So with that being said, and kind of getting into this next podcast, and like the second variation of this, I'm going to set the record really

The title of this podcast is Weyers Unhinged, not an ounce of me is going to take it lightly, I'm not going to come into it with kindness, I'm not going to tiptoe around or hide how I feel. Because I've already been doing that for so fucking long. I'm done pretending that I'm trying so hard to be nice to someone that has made me feel so fucking shitty.

And so for the people listening who are expecting me to be so fucking kind to you in so acknowledging, I've already spent a long time acknowledging that you have your mental health battles, I've actually been the most respectful of them, because I've kept them private, because I supported you when you really, really fucking hurt me. But you hurt my kids eventually. And that's where it became gloves off. Like, it used to just be about you and I but when the action started interfering with the longevity of our marriage, and the dynamic for our kids, it was unbarred. For me, I was done like. So going into this, and for anybody listening, who seems to have an opinion about how they think I shouldn't be acting, you need to keep in mind that I'm the one who got cheated on. I'm the one who's fucking hurt. I'm the one who has to figure out how to put the pieces back together. I'm the one who has to figure out how to heal and learn to trust again and figure out how to be a good partner. When I initially came into this relationship, being a great partner, I knew how to be a good spouse, I was really, really great at it for the most part. But you lose so much of that over time. When someone slowly chips away at your mental health at your trust at the general gist stability of your marriage. Yeah, what

Brett Weyers  8:04  
I what I did, what I did didn't just hurt you it, it was through a long enough period where I it changed you. Yes, it changed you very much. And also going back like someone had mentioned the comment that it made you they thought you were making jokes when I was talking about my mental health and shit that I went through. And I can see to somebody who's also going through mental struggles, that that can be really, really insulting. But what people also need to understand is like, Kathy, you have taken my mental health more seriously than I have myself in the last 10 years. And you pushed me multiple times you even helped to get me into some like rehab programs. And you knew I was dealing with some stuff. And all you did was try to help him for 10 years, all you did was try to hold our relationship together while I just kept destroying it. And so for people to say like you're you're being Incans inconsiderate of my mental health, that that couldn't be further from the truth. So anyone that saying like Cass isn't being nice or accommodating or taking into consideration my circumstances, you couldn't be further from making the wrong assumptions or that you couldn't be further from the correct assumption.

Cassidy Weyers  9:31  
Here's the thing. We've entered into this knowing that we were doing something very publicly and that would come with that would come with pain, it would come with power struggles, there would be a lot of hard parts to that. And we were aware of that. We knew that there. There would be some commentary we wouldn't like Right. And that's fine. I just I'm not okay with people trying to change the narrative to make it the females fault. to in any way shape or form or expecting me to always be nice simply because I have a vagina.

Brett Weyers  10:04  
Well, yeah. And then people started almost blaming you, right? And it's like, well, Brett has all these mental health issues fucking care you. Yeah. Well, and then they it almost seemed like they were like, oh, Brett has all these mental health issues? How could you ignore this for so long? You were just, you weren't helping at all, you were making it worse, like, that's almost the impression that I got people thinking of you. Which is that's, that's incorrect. Because

Cassidy Weyers  10:26  
fuck me make it worse. I could have dropped you on your ass a long time ago. Oh, my God, your darkest days have been done.

Brett Weyers  10:32  
And so the other thing that people were saying is they felt like you were being a little harsh to me. Or mean, and I don't think so. I don't think so at all.

Cassidy Weyers  10:45  
I can see what people perceive that I do agree that Sure. If you don't know me, or you don't know how I just generally operate like, yeah, I get that

Brett Weyers  10:52  
over the last 10 years. Yeah, if you don't if you didn't know about the last 10 years, and you listen to that, yeah,

Cassidy Weyers  10:57  
I'm in a state now of where we're at with this situation where so much of me dissociates, even the podcast yesterday, I think I spent so much of that. dissociating simply like, I don't know if it was out of not fear, but just so much pain and anger and wanting to be as kind as I could be, despite how much pain I was feeling. Going through some of those questions. Like people need to remember I was asking you what it was like to fuck someone behind my back, and then expecting me to be nice to you about it. I don't understand how anybody can expect that like that floors me because ultimately, that is exactly what it was. So it's so fucking inappropriate in my mind for people to like, push this narrative on me that I'm belittling you. Like, let's get back to the fucking reality.

Brett Weyers  11:43  
I think one of the one of the other things that people don't realize is, you tried the nice way for 10 years. You tried to help me like in a very caring, loving manner for 10 years, and it didn't help me and it didn't click with me. And so the only thing that gave me like the eyes wide open, holy shit, my world is turned upside down. I call it the slap you slapped me hard enough

Cassidy Weyers  12:11  
with not a literal slap because everybody think I fucking beat you. Like Jesus,

Brett Weyers  12:15  
not a literal slap. No, it's like a metaphorical like, like emotional, mental slap. And so that slept for me was you filing divorce in that That, to me was like the most vicious thing you could do. And then it kept getting more and more, and you just kept letting me know, in a way, in the only way that was left to hopefully make me understand because you tried every single way for 10 years to get me to understand it, nothing worked. And so I finally, so much of my shit got in my own way. I destroyed you. Our family, I heard a lot of other people. And in the in the meantime, too. And it was time for you to give me a brutal awakening of this is what you're doing to me. And I have tried to tell you every way I possibly could and nothing's working. And so what you did is you filed for divorce. And you went on social media and you started posting you were started to make it public. And I know a lot of people had an issue with

Cassidy Weyers  13:29  
that, oh, my god, everybody's problem with it. We covered that in

Brett Weyers  13:33  
the last episode. But what I didn't get to say is what it what it did for me when you made it public and so public and just transparent, is that it forced me to look at myself even faster. Like if you hadn't posted anything on social media, it would have made it very, very easy for me to just avoid the problem.

Cassidy Weyers  13:50  
I think you would have lived in denial, I would have Yeah.

Brett Weyers  13:54  
Yeah, there was a combination of things that brought me to the point of like seeking my own help. That was, you know, we talked about, you know, what happened after I cheated? And then, like, we talked about what I did, but what you did was you went to social media, and that helped me it did.

Cassidy Weyers  14:10  
One part that floors me right now is we obviously we had that situation today with a group of people in your life that you care about. And I don't really know the full story. All I know is that there was some hard feelings about this podcast and people, those that group of people thinking that it was inappropriate to talk about it and inappropriate to make it public and some things are better kept private. And what I find the most interesting about it is it's a group of men. It's a men's club, Who all think that your wife should shut the fuck up about how much you've tortured the shit out of the situation for almost a decade. And that's whole fucking funny to me.

Brett Weyers  14:48  
The other thing is I started getting really, really upset with them. Because they were trying to give me advice on what I should do to like fit to fix my life and Excuse me, and like I said yesterday, it was getting it was making me so fucking angry because you're not in my shoes you don't know what's going on have you'd like half of them aren't even in a serious relationship. Only one of them is married. I was like, you guys don't know what the fix is. You don't know what's going on. You're not in my,

Cassidy Weyers  15:20  
like we talked about yesterday, like, unless you've actively lived it and even then it's still not the exact scenario. So stop giving fucking advice. Ask me how you can support me. Ask me what I need from you right now. But don't fucking tell me what I should be doing and do not. Do not try to give me XYZ about what you think I should or shouldn't be doing? Because chances are I don't give a fuck.

Brett Weyers  15:40  
Well, the other. The other thing that that pissed me off was some of them had, like the most recent they had spoken to me was the two months ago. Yeah, about that. It was it was right, the week after I cheated on you. And so that was at a point where I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was trying to figure it out. I was at rock bottom freaking out didn't know what to do. And so that was like the the context that they surrounded on me and like, it's a month and a half later, I've been doing a shit ton of work on myself. And if you had I told one of them, I was like, if you had asked me two weeks that he could go, he asked me two weeks ago to come on this podcast, I would have said no, because I wasn't in a place to do it. And I went to Vassar for two weeks. And I didn't know as much about myself two weeks ago that I know now.

Cassidy Weyers  16:33  
I think the hard part for me too, is the insinuation that one of them had made the comment that they know you so well. And you've been friends for so long, 15 years. I hate to break it to everybody. But as far as I'm concerned, and no one knows you better than I do. And even then, I still don't think I truly know you because you don't know yourself. And that's the biggest problem. So for people to insinuate, or assume that they know you so fucking well that they should be giving you insight is funny to me. I don't care how long you've been friends. They're not living in the same house with you breathing in and out the same error as you every day and they're not raising fucking kids with you. They're not having the deep late night conversations over really hard topics. They're not trying to decide how to save your daughter's life together. They don't know you the way I know you. And that's the bottom line. Like, I'm sick and tired of people telling me all about this or that or Brett. I know ultimately, what Brett's limits are like, I know where your buttons are. I know what to push and when not to and I know what you can handle. I don't think I would have dished out something that I actually thought would ultimately jeopardize you because we had a had a lot of really raw conversations to in moments where I was worried about you in the beginning, when I was still hurting myself. Like when I was still actively talking to the chick you had had an affair with? Like, I was still checking on your well being I was asking you. Are you okay, can you handle this? Is this too much for you? Like, what can I do for you? Yeah, and I was dying inside. No one was fucking checking on me. No one was fucking I take that back. There were people checking on me. But everybody was so quick to worry about you. I thought that was fucking interesting.

Brett Weyers  18:14  
I didn't. I mean, I kind of understood why we touched on it. Nobody really knows me like you do. So yeah, you're right. Nobody really knows, like mentally, like what my mental toughness is. I'm a very fucked up damaged person that's brought a lot of damage with me. And that's the it's it's impacted every decision that I make. But it didn't mean that I couldn't handle what you were dishing out as far as making the truth known. In Yeah, to your point, you did ask me a few times, you're like, how do you feel about it?

Cassidy Weyers  18:48  
Ultimately, in that moment, too, I had to ask myself, who was mental health is more important at this moment, breaths or mind?

Brett Weyers  18:56  
And you should you should choose you.

Cassidy Weyers  18:58  
That was the first time in a long time I chose me though.

Brett Weyers  19:01  
I know, I was really proud of you. And you did that.

Cassidy Weyers  19:03  
And that was really hard for some people to grasp that it wasn't about like getting even in it wasn't about like revenge, or it was simply trying to find, like a life raft for myself. Because I didn't know how else to help myself. At that time. I didn't know how else to like, bring myself back to Earth and how to like center myself, because all I could feel was like this deep and ability to get out of bed in the morning and be a mom. And I had a six month old and I had a toddler that I was supposed to like fly to New York City and cut her skull open two weeks later, like there was just so much heaviness to that. And I think so many people seemingly lost sight of the fact that I'm a human too and I was hurting somebody because instead of taking the approach like you of being sad, I had to channel it into anger simply to survive like one of was had to step up because obviously you weren't. And the only way I was gonna be able to function was if I was mad first and sad seconds. So that's

Brett Weyers  20:12  
like, how do you deal with that kind of heartbreak? Like, the person you love most ruined your life.

Cassidy Weyers  20:20  
I just made you. So we clearly needed to set the record straight. Because if one more fucking person tells me, I should be nice to you.

Brett Weyers  20:27  
So one thing that I'm going to reiterate again, is

Cassidy Weyers  20:33  
I'm being plenty nice we co parent, probably better than anybody at this phase of someone cheating on the other person.

Brett Weyers  20:39  
Cassidy's been plenty nice to me. In my honest opinion, geez, this is I never expected you to be this civil. So please, everyone shut the fuck up about gas being mean, because I don't want to see what that ends up looking.

Cassidy Weyers  20:56  
Yeah. What do you guys do? Like stop pushing that narrative? What

Brett Weyers  20:59  
you guys think is mean? Like, no, like, I've seen

Cassidy Weyers  21:04  
me and I know what I'm capable of. Yeah. And I don't want to be that person. Like, I know that my mean side is so fucking unpleasant. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to I don't want to be there. And so I really don't love people insinuating that that's what I currently am. Because I'm not I'm just I'm, here's the thing. I'm a very damaged person in my own way, who's trying to find the best way to cope with a situation, the cards I've been dealt. And for me that just channels into a very crass, like, difficult personality. And I just I don't know how else to channel it, because that's what gets me through the day. That's what keeps me functioning, able to go to work able to be a mom, all the hard parts.

Brett Weyers  21:41  
I mean, let's paint this picture for people, because they think like you weren't nice over the years, and they think you're being really harsh right now. But let me just paint everyone a picture. So this is what I did to gas, right. So the the, I don't know how long it was after we first started dating, probably it wasn't that long, because I'm a piece of shit. Imagine your significant other who is sitting next to you right now or at home wherever the hell they are. Imagine going home today and finding out that your significant other was texting another guy or girl. Right? And you find out about it. And you talk it through and he or she your your partner makes promises that it's never going to happen again says sorry. But then what happens afterwards is when they say sorry, that's it. Nothing happens afterwards. Other than more pain. Imagine your partner saying sorry to you. And then never taking action afterwards and never fixing the problem. And then making it again, and again and again and again. And so imagine six months later, it happens again. Okay, you go through that process one more time, six, nine months later, it happens again. And this is going on for you for the next 10 years. Just imagine however long you've been dating your significant other right now. Just imagine it for that amount of time. If you've been dating for a year, imagine that happening every month. I think

Cassidy Weyers  23:11  
people are too forgetting that like, with each different scenario. The first time you did it, I'll never forget it. I think I had had my brain surgery, maybe a month or two prior. And I was already like, I mean, that was a hard point in my life. I was supposed to be in college. I had just had aneurysm surgery. And I think I got the epilepsy diagnosis a few months after. And it was a really, really hard point in my life. Like, my focus was in a million different places. And I relied on you heavily like you were my friend first before we started dating. And that was hard for me to sometimes separate. Yeah. But that came with a lot of heartbreak when you made some of the choices you did. And I think people I mean, a lot of people don't know that I've just been through a lot in my lifetime. And some of that either coincided with poor choices on your part or different levels of heartbreak. I mean, and then you pile on the stuff with Elaina when I really started getting heavy, like the hard parts of our marriage started happening when we were married, I should say. And at that point, I was in the thick of like raising a medically complex baby and trying to figure out how to navigate that and still try to be a good wife and still try to grow a business and I felt like I had so many things happening at once that sometimes honestly it was just easier to try to forgive you and believe that it truly would be the last time because we had a medically complex kid. I thought that would motivate you to do better. You know, we wanted a second baby so why because we knew my biological clock was ticking like I always thought that next circumstance would make the that time be the last time.

Brett Weyers  24:52  
Yeah, you you weren't alone in that hope.

Cassidy Weyers  24:56  
I know part of you probably did believe that too. And I think that's probably why we date, I think there were moments where I looked at you. And I saw almost two versions of you. And I understood the internal struggle you were experiencing. You wanted so badly to be a better person. But just ultimately, you weren't capable.

Brett Weyers  25:13  
It's not that I wasn't capable. Because with the work that I'm doing right now, I do believe that it is capable, right, that's to the wrong word to like what level of better I get. I don't know what it is, like, at some point. It could keep going forever, or it just hits a point. I almost forgot what you said.

Cassidy Weyers  25:35  
Just the internal struggle, you had the power struggle between the version of you that want it to be better, and the version of you that just couldn't Oh, yeah.

Brett Weyers  25:41  
And you said, you weren't capable? Yeah. And I said, Now I know that differently. But like, at the time, you're right, I wanted to change so badly. And I was so sick of hurting you and being unhappy with myself too. But I didn't know how, like, literally, I didn't, I didn't fucking know. And you tried to help me figure it out all the time. After every mistake that I made, you tried something different, or you tried to repeat the same thing in a slightly different manner. You tried every single time to help me. It really fucking sucks that I let it get to rock bottom before I took getting help seriously,

Cassidy Weyers  26:23  
I feel sad for you because I never wanted and I told you, I think a couple of times, and I've never had for

Brett Weyers  26:27  
me, I feel sad for you, I destroyed you. It was your choice. I

Cassidy Weyers  26:31  
never wanted us to be at rock bottom. I think I heard that the last few times. I was like, please don't want us get to rock bottom right? Because we want to come back from it. And I had begged you to find a way to help yourself, because I knew that rock bottom would be such a bad place for us as a couple and individuals. And here we are. So I think that's probably a good explanation to get started with this second podcast, because I know there's a whole laundry list of questions again, that people wanted us to get through. And honestly, I'm not in a whole lot of a mood to touch base on some of these, but we will on the ones that pertain.

Brett Weyers  27:03  
Need to save him for a different episode. Yeah.

Cassidy Weyers  27:06  
All right. So let's get into the first one. Cassie has mentioned that she's been protecting him in the past and their relationship. In hindsight, what were those red flags? And when you tell your younger self to run from Brett, so we've touched base on some of the shit we've been through, I mean, we've we've gotten into some of the nitty gritty, you know. And there's like a lot of complexities to that, that I just, it's so much to go into that I don't even know where to start with it. But ultimately, yeah, they're probably red flags where I should have I should have walked away. Big time, like had some of these really surfaced in the very beginning of our relationship. Absolutely. But some of the heavy stuff didn't come until we were really into the thick of like, where we were at. And at some point when you fall in love with someone, especially for someone like me, when I love I love so heavily and so deeply. I love with every ounce of my being. And I also understand that people aren't perfect. So I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt that maybe it was just a hard thing that we needed to figure out how to work through. Maybe there would be growth for you. I wanted to believe that it would be a growing pain. I think I said it to you that maybe we'll look back on this. And you know, when some of these things happen two, three years ago, I said to imagine maybe we get to one day in 10 years, look back on this moment and be like, Damn, we came so far. Like, that's what I envisioned for us at that time, because I wanted so much to put faith in the fact that it would get better. So yeah, I mean, in hindsight, the red flags that exist now I would have ran like fucking hell. There's no way I would have never ever subjected myself to this. But lesson learned, I mean, there's not much you can do. That's just that's hindsight. So another question was Brad, can you talk about why you slept on the couch or spare bed in other areas of your marriage prior to the affair? What was going on then? Same reasons, same reasons. But do we want to talk about last summer specifically?

Brett Weyers  28:57  
I don't know. I got us blackmailed. Yeah, I was went through an app.

Cassidy Weyers  29:03  
For context. I want to give people a clearer picture as to where I was mentally how you chose this route. Sure. Ilana was almost dying. I had spent six weeks living out in a hospital with her. I had found out at the same time I was pregnant with a baby that we were not expecting. And then I lost that baby about two weeks after Ilana was discharged from the hospital three weeks. And but this took place like two months after that not even Yeah, which means that your emotional affair, whatever you were doing at that time was already happening.

Brett Weyers  29:35  
Yeah, it had. I can't remember back to that specific moment.

Cassidy Weyers  29:38  
Yeah. But I'll let you tell the story from your perspective.

Brett Weyers  29:42  
Yeah, so I went out and an app. One that made it very easy to get attention. And so what happened is I connected with a person ended up being a fake profile. It wasn't wasn't a real person, someone that was posing as a fake profile. And I started messaging back and forth to the point where like, adult photos were being shared. So like nudes, were being back and forth.

Cassidy Weyers  30:14  
Next thing we'll do it, let's be real. Yeah, that's my favorite pastime.

Brett Weyers  30:17  
You can tell like how embarrassed I am about it and like just how, like, just really fucked up and embarrassed I am by it, I guess because it's hard for me to even,

Cassidy Weyers  30:27  
like, I'm not gonna, here's the thing. Like, I'm not going to, here's the thing to two pieces of context. I don't believe in shaming for sexting, because let's be real, like we did it in our marriage and in our relationship, and something we love to do. Like that was a part of like, our sexual relationship, right? But

Brett Weyers  30:41  
don't do it with somebody else. Well, yes, I just mean,

Cassidy Weyers  30:45  
like, we're not going to shame people for it. And you don't need to feel embarrassed by that part. You should feel embarrassed for doing it for someone that wasn't your wife. Oh, yeah, but

Brett Weyers  30:55  
so I got blackmailed, where this person kind of we got blackmailed where this person then somehow, like, got my IP address, and found other social media accounts, and then basically messaged me and was like, I have these photos, if you don't pay me this money, I'm going to release it to everybody. And they even even said, like, Oh, if you don't, if you don't pay me, I'm going to reach out to your wife and tell her. And they actually did. And that's how you found out. And so then that day, like we ended up in the police station for like, six hours, just letting them download all the data and stuff like that to find out, you know, if there was any risk, and that was a very dark moment. And

Cassidy Weyers  31:40  
that was a new low for me, like standing in the police station having to explain to the detective that my husband is cheating on me and getting me extorted and blackmailed for money was a new low.

Brett Weyers  31:49  
The the thing that concerned me when I walked in, is I thought to myself, God, this guy, like small town where we live, right? I was like this, this is gonna be the highlight to this dude today. And but I walked in and he goes, Yeah, we see this all the time.

Cassidy Weyers  32:10  
I just think that it's those scenarios that people didn't know about. I mean, our like close friends knew because I needed support at that time. Like that was a pivotal point for us where it was hard, like, use, you slept in the basement for a very long time. And we were not in a great place. We started couples therapy, there was a lot of really heavy shit that took place around that time that we kept private, ultimately, because again, I thought we would recover from it. I didn't think we would get here. But that's the shit that I think people need to keep in mind. And just be careful and tread carefully about when they display certain opinions about how they think I should conduct myself because there was years of pain there. Yeah. So based on your previous statements, cast and reactions, you tolerated Brett entertaining other women before he took it too far. I don't mean in the men in the bedroom. But I mean, what did he do in the past? He got away with and we've talked about that, but I figured I'd read it just so people know that I've done the dodging attacks in the EAS. affairs. For both of you. Would you say that the saying the first time you got caught isn't the first time it's happened? Is this true for instances like this?

Brett Weyers  33:18  
I'm just trying to think because like, I mean, I dated Jenna, but then between you and Jen, I really didn't have I really didn't date anybody.

Cassidy Weyers  33:24  
Not seriously, probably. And so I think they're referring to the cheating.

Brett Weyers  33:29  
Like, yeah, no, that's what I'm kind of,

Cassidy Weyers  33:32  
like, in the context that they say a lot of times, like the first time someone catches you isn't actually the first time we've physically cheated. It's just the first time they've caught you. So I think that's what they're alluding to.

Brett Weyers  33:43  
Oh, so the first time you the first time you caught me?

Cassidy Weyers  33:47  
Yes. Is it actually the first time what was the first up there? I

Brett Weyers  33:51  
get the question. Yeah, they think it wasn't the first time but when the first time that I went out and texted a different woman, you you found out about it. It was the first time with you was the first time

Cassidy Weyers  34:05  
Okay, so next question. Brett, Have you accepted that Cassidy wants to legally separate and not have a future with you?

Brett Weyers  34:15  
Yeah, I mean, you need out like Yeah, it took a while for me to accept it. Like it took me a long time to grieve our our old relationship and one thing that I learned through the program that I'm in is there are other guys in this that their wives are threatening divorce but haven't filed yet. And so but they The thing is, is like almost they say in order for any relationship to move past any sort of trauma, both parties, both partners, need to grieve the old relationship and essentially started new right Starting a new is kind of like, not really. But you kind of understand what I'm saying is like you have to, you have to take the time to accept what happened and move past it.

Cassidy Weyers  35:10  
I think it's hard to because I have not come close to that. I'm not even close to grieving it, I'm not even close to. And I think I told you like, I think for me, it'll come in moments where we sell the home and move out of it. And like, those are pivotal moments for me that make it feel permanent.

Brett Weyers  35:28  
There will definitely be more moments where, where you and I will have to like grieve and re grieve and stuff like that. But as far as like, the entire cheating the last 10 years, that part I've finally been able to accept. And one of the reasons that I think I have been able to grieve that before you is because I have this group. And so I did a lot of intensive work around. Because if I, I couldn't move on, or do any work on myself or make any improvements until I grieved that that old relationship and what I did and accepted that I hurt you and and learned everything that I did to you. So do I accept that you're moving on? Yeah, because I finally understand for 10 years you felt you didn't feel safe, you didn't feel secure in your relationship. And you spent every minute in fear wondering when the next time you were going to be hurt was. And so I realized all of the damage that I caused our family, our relationship, how much I hurt you over the last 10 years. And you need to get out. You need to feel safe and secure. And if that's not me, that's okay.

Cassidy Weyers  36:42  
Yeah, I think I'm just I don't know. Not quite there. Yeah. All right. What have you learned through this experience? For both of us, you can answer first.

Brett Weyers  36:55  
All that working on your insecurities is probably the scariest fucking thing you could ever do in your life. I get that. I mean, it's the place that I have to go. To identify to even just identify the insecurities. That's one thing, but then to work through the shit that's that's damaged my entire life, that it's dark. It's very, it's very dark. It's not easy. It's yeah. So the one thing that I learned is, people need to figure out how to work through their insecurities because it'll destroy your entire life. They may not be as bad as the one that I had. But the longer also, the longer you've been carrying that pain, that trauma, that insecurity, the stronger it's going to have a hold on your entire life, and the harder it's going to be to get rid of it. So I've got some that I've been carrying around for 20 plus years, because I've never done emotional work. Never. It wasn't until three weeks ago that I defined a life purpose for myself, or even defined terms to live by or like values and morals.

Cassidy Weyers  38:02  
That's fair. I think for me, what I've learned this experience is that people's opinions are trash.

Brett Weyers  38:07  
I also agree like I've very much learned that there's a fucked up perception and how women should handle their emotions.

Cassidy Weyers  38:15  
Not even that I just when you experienced like serious life trauma like this, or just like major shifts in the expectation of what you thought would be your life. People and just their general. Emotional intelligence or lack thereof crawls out of the woodwork so fast. Like them thinking they know how to handle a situation or what you should do and they've never even come close to living a similar one. Like, fuck off. I did that some seriously. Since seriously. Sincerely, I said, seriously, I'm coining that is that a thing? Since seriously?

Brett Weyers  38:55  
I'm seriously sincere. Sincerely, obviously, I'm coining that I like it.

Cassidy Weyers  39:00  
I'm just kidding. I just think that that is immensely fucked up. Because I if there's anything I've learned in my lifetime, it's when to shut the fuck up about other people's shit. Like if I haven't, like I said lived it. learned it tried it anything I've you just need to be quiet. Just shut the fuck up. But then I've also learned that the least intelligent people typically coincide with over opinion dating themselves. So

Brett Weyers  39:27  
yeah, we're also damaged themselves.

Cassidy Weyers  39:29  
It's just like stopped talking. i The amount of people who just felt the need to tell me how I need to cope or what I should be doing and they haven't stepped in my shoes. laughable at this point.

Brett Weyers  39:39  
You got a lot more of that than I did. I didn't enlisted I think

Cassidy Weyers  39:44  
people are a little bit not even that but I think people are fucking floored by a female who's so openly public about her anger and her pain and all of it I think people are just don't know what to do with that. And why do you think people are floored by it? I think they're on call. I'm terrible. Why? Because either one forces them to check the narrative that they think that they've been under the impression of or the misogyny or the patriarchy and everything that coincides with that all the things that come with oppressing women's emotions and making it the forefront of blame for situations.

Brett Weyers  40:19  
What do you think is the number one way that women's emotions are suppressed?

Cassidy Weyers  40:30  
I think it's a double edged sword. Actually, I think it's one of two ways. I think it's when people blame women's emotions for the end result of very hard situations. So IE, for example, this people are blaming me for being mean, XYZ mean, whatever, you know, and the only reason we're in this position is your actions. So it's funny how quickly people are still trying to blame the female. On the same token, I think that

Brett Weyers  41:01  
I feel like probably, you're doing anonymous questions, but I'm gonna assume most of the suppression comes from men.

Cassidy Weyers  41:08  
I think occasionally, there are some underlying tones that I sometimes catch hints of that I assume are probably female.

Brett Weyers  41:14  
Do you feel like social norms are starting to teach women to to suppress their emotions?

Cassidy Weyers  41:19  
It's always been that way. Oh, my God. That's the that's the Think about it. Think about how many women have stayed in such damaging and abusive relationships? Because they didn't know any better and thought they were stuck.

Brett Weyers  41:28  
Well, I'm also thinking about it as far as career wise to, in order to like sometimes have a really high career position, you're essentially disconnected, dissociated, you have to you literally have to ignore all of your emotions, because you have to make decisions that are going to hurt people. Yep.

Cassidy Weyers  41:42  
I think it's just it's interesting, because women are always deemed the more emotional and weaker species. And, I mean, here's the thing. There's nothing wrong with being emotional. I majority of the things I do is probably based on emotion. Mine just happens to stem into anger most of the time. Yeah. All right. So Brett, have you started seeking mental help?

Brett Weyers  42:03  
Yeah. Yep, I have my own one on one psychologist who specializes in family dynamics and addiction. And then I also have the group that I'm in best way I can put the group as it's, it's kind of like a college course with a fraternity minus all the partying and a combined all in one.

Cassidy Weyers  42:24  
So someone actually asked today, if you'd be willing to share the group you're in or the name of it just for the sake of resources, like we'd be willing to compile?

Brett Weyers  43:32  
Oh yeah, absolutely, I would be willing to share the name of the group that I'm in. The only thing that I want to caution though, if I do share it with you is I ask that anybody that's interested in it, reach out me reach out to me directly. Because there's a lot of things I should let you know about it. Specifically, like this program comes into play, when your relationship reaches a point of one person is completely checked out and does not want to work on the relationship anymore. And so like the group referee calls that the slap, like a metaphorical mental slap, like something happened. And you are now at the point where your partner is done. I'm specifically speaking men who join the group, you're their partner is done and wants nothing to do with them. And so essentially, their relationship is in the stage of it's over. Right? And so that's the stage that most men come to this group. So if you're a woman and you're asking for more information on the group, your relationship is in the stage prior to the stage that most men come and seek this group out. And there is there is a way to kind of manufacture manufacture the slap like an artificial mini slap. If you If you're still in that stage and you think that this is something you want your husband to do, we can talk about that and I can I can help you can also talk to some of the guys in my group aside from that and discuss with them the best way I add the guy to really consider this group if you're in a relationship is not

Cassidy Weyers  45:20  
your soulmate well your wife

Brett Weyers  45:22  
or your partner doesn't want anything to do I feel like I can so with that being said if anybody does want information go ahead send Kassa direct message I used maybe you can also reach out to know that on any of my social media accounts and internet nation and yeah and it has several links I'll talk to you about it some it's like yeah, the way that either deal of my information my personal number or she can just give that link as well and we met Yeah, like my gatekeeper talked to yours and yours tucked back to me. And it was like my soul had found the piece of it that it was missing for a long time or didn't know that it needed and now that my soul has experienced yours it's it's my soul right now is just in pieces and shattered in torn because it hates me so much for destroying the the one thing in this world that it was able to connect with and love that's heavy. Yeah.

Cassidy Weyers  46:32  
It's hard to hear.

Brett Weyers  46:34  
I heard a song the other day that was like, talked about like how hard it was to just find somebody to love. And then the song continued. It continued on in, in the lyrics who went something like Yeah, you think that's hard? Try finding them and then losing them. Because it was your fault. That's hard.

Cassidy Weyers  46:56  
That is a different variation. I didn't think of oh, this is part of me. That's dissociating right now.

Brett Weyers  47:05  
I can feel it like just Why are you trying to dissociate right now?

Cassidy Weyers  47:08  
I'm not even trying I just am I think it's just so sad and the pain is heavy.

Brett Weyers  47:12  
What are you dissociating from?

Cassidy Weyers  47:14  
I have no fucking idea

Brett Weyers  47:19  
what emotion are you feeling right now? Very sad. Why are you feeling sad?

Cassidy Weyers  47:23  
Is a long day the kids were exhausting I just I don't know

Brett Weyers  47:32  
what has you sad right now?

Cassidy Weyers  47:41  
Um, I think I mean hearing the soulmate answers hard because I think we've always thought that we always had that very deep. Like separate connection outside of like I said, we used to compartmentalize certain parts of our grouping who we were our marriage or friendship. Parents be or being parents I should say all of it like we separated that.

Brett Weyers  48:11  
Can you hear the dog

Cassidy Weyers  48:14  
that's our goal for sure.

Brett Weyers  48:15  
He's like doing his like turkey call is dreaming turkey call? Literally sounds like a turkey.

Cassidy Weyers  48:20  
Literally. I always love when they do that. I just think that it's hard to hear that because I've so mentally separated so much of that over the years.

Brett Weyers  48:33  
Okay, I have to go like he's dreaming. I have to go wake him up because Okay, no more Turkey sounds.

Cassidy Weyers  48:43  
Yeah, I don't know. It's hard. We've always compartmentalized the different facets of our relationship and being soulmates was one of those pieces. And I mean, the way we got along and just the way we understood each other on a very weird, deep level, the way we were able to communicate for the most part.

Brett Weyers  49:00  
Can I ask, can I ask you a question? I know, I didn't submit it to Instagram. But can I ask you a question finding as so we've kind of had the soulmate conversation before? Yeah. And I was able to give you similar answers, but I don't think I had reflected on it quite as much. And so the answer I gave you right now is a little bit different. So from then, past, and now, I see that this answer kind of affected you a bit differently. I'm just curious as to why

Cassidy Weyers  49:29  
it's always hard to hear just depends on the day. I don't know the pain isn't always linear. Some days I'm more passive and able to just handle things differently. In some days. I'm burnt out and I'm tired. And I'm overstimulated and things are heavier or I'm getting my period or like all the things that come with, just like the highs and lows of emotions and that they're not always the same day to day. So

Brett Weyers  49:53  
it was a combination of you are feeling the entire day. And you are feeling you know Yup, just the conversation of talking about soulmates very

Cassidy Weyers  50:02  
much. All right. So do you think cheating is something that can be worked through for either of you?

Brett Weyers  50:16  
I was, it's hard to say because the only time I've been cheated on was by my high school girlfriend. Yeah. And like I worked through it with her. But there was a lot less at stake. And so I don't know if it made it easier, or if I put in less effort to work through it, because I mean, eventually, right? We broke up. Yeah. Like little do you think it's possible to work through? This is the first time you and I are in this position? So I don't know me? Well, for me, I don't. This is the first time I've ever cheated on anybody. Fucked up that had happened for 10 years straight, and ended this way. So can I work through it? I have to work through my flaws and my insecurities and shit like that. But I think the question is more as like, Can the relationship work through it?

Cassidy Weyers  51:18  
I've honestly never been in a relationship that I haven't been cheated on in Seoul. I don't know any different.

Brett Weyers  51:27  
So your answer then would be no.

Cassidy Weyers  51:30  
I mean, I've stayed in most of them. I think the more we talk, the more I'm having like this really weird, deep internal reflection of just like how fucked I am. Like, just how fucked up I am.

Brett Weyers  51:39  
Just, why because you're, you're, you're giving past relationships credit

Cassidy Weyers  51:44  
for? No, not at all. I think I'm just like slowly piecing together like, how much I need to figure out and work through to be an actual healthy person, person, parent, partner. All of it. I just, I don't think I could fathom being in a relationship. Again, because I'm so not tolerant, and I'm just

Brett Weyers  52:10  
did you go into our relationship feeling any bit like that?

Cassidy Weyers  52:14  
Not to the extent I feel now. No. So little bit though. Yeah. Yeah, yes. But I came into it with a different approach. It wasn't like the hell hath no fury or like the woman scorned feeling I came into it hopeful, like,

Brett Weyers  52:27  
you probably so you came in? What I'm hearing is that you came into the relationship, right? hopeful. Yeah. And what that might have looked like was, I'm gonna give this guy a shot, until he breaks my trust. And then it's yeah, he's just like everyone else. And

Cassidy Weyers  52:42  
not even that, like the first time you broke my trust is like, you know what, maybe it's just this one time thing. Like maybe it's just a weird hiccup, and we'll work through it, you know, and I back that I blamed, like my brain surgery and all the really heavy things we were experiencing, in a very early intimate part of our relationship, because we only had been dating a few months, right? Yeah. And so I blamed that for being just like too much for the average 23 year old dude, you know,

Brett Weyers  53:06  
in your past relationships, when you were cheated on? Did you justify it the same way? How did you justify like being cheated on? Because right there, you're telling me the first time I talked to somebody, you kind of blamed the circumstances around our relationship, rather than blaming you or I Yeah. And so I'm just curious as to what your thought process was, like, in past relationships, when, when that happened?

Cassidy Weyers  53:31  
I'm not even sure actually, I don't think I've taken the time to think about it or figure it out. So I don't know. I'd have to like sit back and reflect on and those were so long ago and so miniscule in the grand scheme, and I'm not even sure I could remember to be honest. But that's something I probably should figure out. Yeah, cuz

Brett Weyers  53:47  
I remember you telling me that like, when other past boyfriends had cheated on you, it was just like, one day you woke up and you were just done. Yeah. And that explains like, how it comes came about, but it still kind of leaves me questioning what were you feeling? Yeah, like, right. Done is the action that came after what

Cassidy Weyers  54:08  
wasn't the feel? Yeah, the feeling the feel. All right. Are you going to try to work things out after taking a separation break?

Brett Weyers  54:20  
That that that, are you expecting me to answer that because I that's not my decision. What I can do is I can decide to work on myself right now. And but my motive behind it isn't to get back together with Cassidy because I know how much I damaged her how unsafe and unsecure she felt. And like I haven't, I would say sorry, all the time. And I haven't. Right, I might be working on myself right now. But it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work for me to make a permanent change and I have a lot of permanent changes that need to be made. So like, do you think will work? I have no idea for We're gonna work through it after taking a break. I mean, separate legal separation isn't exactly a break. I mean, that's, that's, it's a pretty, pretty official document that you sign. Like, it's not like, hey, just move out for a little while literally. So I don't know the answer to that question, because

Cassidy Weyers  55:20  
I think I've voiced prior on social media, how I feel about permanent ask answers about the future. I'm not comfortable with them. Because ultimately, I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what I would do in five years, right. And I don't like to feel like I have to predict it or give a definitive answer to anything, because I hate eating my own words. So I do not do that. Because I don't like how it feels if I'm fucking wrong. So I'm very careful about how I address that. So I don't I don't know. Because I don't know what the future will hold.

Brett Weyers  55:49  
Yeah. And the reason that I'm not giving an answer anymore, because I bet you could. What do you think I would have done three months ago asked that

Cassidy Weyers  55:55  
same thing, you would have just asked the shit out of me to make me believe otherwise? Yeah,

Brett Weyers  55:59  
I would have told you a bullshit answer. Because I wanted you to believe or like, trick you into just being curious and like, oh, maybe maybe, maybe, but no cry. I needed to tell you this time, like, Hey, I don't have an answer for that.

Cassidy Weyers  56:10  
Yeah. This one kind of follow suit any chance of reconciliation in your marriage? What would it take for that to happen?

Brett Weyers  56:19  
I think right now the reconciliation that's happening is just us both grieving. Moving on from what happened and being good co parents. Yeah,

Cassidy Weyers  56:27  
I think our primary focus for both of us right now is co parenting that that is

Brett Weyers  56:31  
right now is just both of us. Healing. Yep. And grieving from the past relationship. And the next step is, is I think, self reflection self work, at least for me anyways.

Cassidy Weyers  56:47  
Do you both believe you could fix your marriage and create a deeper bond and come out stronger than ever soulmates can hit rock bottom and still come out successful?

Brett Weyers  56:57  
depends. Depends on the choices that you and I make moving forward. Yeah, every single choice that comes our way could send us down a different path. Correct. I

Cassidy Weyers  57:08  
think the hard part for me right now is there's so much damage and so much heartbreak and just years of underlying turmoil and the same repetitive patterns. Yeah. And there were certain things that I had told you would permanently damaged me if you made the same action and moments of deep vulnerability for me,

Brett Weyers  57:28  
and I did that. Yep. So yeah, I repeated it. Yeah,

Cassidy Weyers  57:32  
I think that was that's a hard one for me.

Brett Weyers  57:34  
I almost say like when I just caught like, the tone of my voice there. I said, I repeated it. It almost sounded like I was cocky kaki. But, but what was really there was anger. I could feel it. But it's not. It's not towards you know, the situation. I think, no, it's anger at me. That's right. It's being angry at myself.

Cassidy Weyers  57:59  
Wow, I'm fucking exhausted. was cheating was a deal breaker Do you feel if the roles were reversed? What brought file for divorce right away or try to work it out?

Brett Weyers  58:10  
We answered this question last time.

Cassidy Weyers  58:13  
Did we will skip that? Talk that scratch that? What role do you think social media plays in cheating? Is it possible these days to have a successful marriage given how accessible people are?

Brett Weyers  58:28  
I think it is possible because I think we know married couples that have made it possible with having a social media presence. But then the other thing is always a survivor bias. So and then the other flip side of that is we don't know what's going on inside of their life. All we see is the outside picture that they let us see.

Cassidy Weyers  58:47  
This is true. And that's exactly why we're here to abolish that because I can't fucking stand it.

Brett Weyers  58:53  
I think social media makes it very, very rarely real. Well, social media makes it very, very easy for people to cheat on each other.

Cassidy Weyers  59:00  
Absolutely. The accessibility is what they're talking about, like just how easy it is.

Brett Weyers  59:04  
Having having a lot of people accessible to you and you not needing to go anywhere to get access to them is is very dangerous. Because that's what made it possible for me.

Cassidy Weyers  59:15  
I remember joking like a year ago that I was gonna get you a flip phone. You should have I fucking regret I would have done that. I was such a fucked up person and you would have found a way just yeah, it would have needed so validation so

Brett Weyers  59:27  
badly. I would have found a way

Cassidy Weyers  59:28  
maybe if there's will there's a way All right. Do you think okay, this is gonna get spicy because this is like the dying questions people have about the threesome situation. Do you think adding thirds or other people into your sex life had an effect and why you had an affair? No.

Brett Weyers  59:47  
No. It was never about socks for me.

Cassidy Weyers  59:51  
No, not at all.

Brett Weyers  59:52  
It was never about sex for me like me having affairs. How many times that I have texting affairs correct. And like I Have them even without exchanging nudes with people. And

Cassidy Weyers  1:00:04  
you literally just wanted someone to stroke your ego. Yeah, that's like the other day.

Brett Weyers  1:00:07  
But the other thing is if you like take pictures of the women

Cassidy Weyers  1:00:11  
belittling you hold on, I'm sorry. That's that's belittling your they'll be nice about you just wanted someone to make you feel better.

Brett Weyers  1:00:18  
Yes, I did. And so but like, I am a bitch, but like if you if someone goes, Oh, well did he ever type was you know, what was the woman look like it ranged. There was no type. There was always female. It was good. Yeah. If it gave me validation ran with it. So,

Cassidy Weyers  1:00:37  
yeah, no, adding thirds into our sex life had no effect on why we had the affair because you were already doing that long before the third situation. It didn't even matter one way or the other. Correct. And it didn't stem me to want to cheat. So

Brett Weyers  1:00:50  
no, there wasn't anything that made it. It didn't make it easy.

Cassidy Weyers  1:00:54  
Wait, hold on. This question is good. Is it really cheating? If you've already slept with another woman in your marriage? Yep. Oh, my God, just tell me that you're Yeah, it is. It's assurance without telling me? Yeah. Yes. It's still fucking cheating. And like, the thing about the third situation for us is that and we could do an entire podcast about this is that there were strict and clear boundaries and guidelines as to what that looked like. Anything that didn't follow that that guideline or that boundary was cheating.

Brett Weyers  1:01:23  
I mean, one thing that people also need to understand is before we did that, you and I had conversations about it for over a year before we were even both felt like okay, this is something that won't get into the way of our relationship. Like there's clear boundaries that are established.

Cassidy Weyers  1:01:40  
But we also realized that it can I delete stuff, like here's the thing for us to it came from a place of it was it was like an exploratory thing that made us closer, actually, yes, in some ways, it enhanced our sex life. It made us just better. So there's, like I said, that's a whole different podcast in itself.

Brett Weyers  1:01:58  
I can't remember exactly way back when when we first started talking about it.

Cassidy Weyers  1:02:02  
I don't remember exactly what it was. Who brought who? Did I bring up the idea? No, it was me because it was that specific girl.

Brett Weyers  1:02:11  
Oh, now I remember. Yes. Yep. Okay,

Cassidy Weyers  1:02:19  
I was holding back a bourbon. Oh, it was that specific girl, though, that made me want to explore it. And we had talked about and had like some weird, interesting conversations that made it interesting or like forefront. Yeah, but that's what did it. So was it weird to have sex with another woman with your spouse there? I'm not sure I could get off with my spouse. There. Maybe this is just a stigma. Question mark.

Brett Weyers  1:02:46  
I don't know whether that's a guy or girl that asked that question.

Cassidy Weyers  1:02:49  
That could be another one. Was it? Weird? Weird?

Brett Weyers  1:02:53  
No, it was a lot of fun.

Cassidy Weyers  1:02:55  
I'm gonna say it like it floated my boat.

Brett Weyers  1:02:58  
No, I think one of the most fun parts about it was seeing how much you were enjoying

Cassidy Weyers  1:03:02  
it? Yes. Like I think that's that was where it stemmed from to was like your willingness to let me figure it out. And I think people are shocked by the fact that there's like an entire life style and just a whole realm of the world that does this. This is not abnormal. It's just not widely talked about. Yeah. So what are your thoughts on open relationships? Do you think that could have been something you did instead of flat out cheating? What about having the talk ahead of time and it being sanctioned and okayed by each other? Cassidy? Would you have been okay with an open relationship? So ironically, this is an idea that we explored what probably four or five years ago?

Brett Weyers  1:03:39  
Yeah, it was after I made a mistake. Or we call them mistakes. Choices. I keep calling them miss. Yeah, it was after I made a an emotional texting affair. And choice, we

Cassidy Weyers  1:03:51  
visited the idea. decided it did not work for us. And only one side of us visited it, aka Brian. Um, and we realized it was just not, I didn't even like it. Like, the thing is, too is like, had I actually explored it, I think you would have dropped dead. Like, our relationship would have ended because you would have fucking killed over.

Brett Weyers  1:04:23  
I probably would have. And the other thing that made me realize this is that like, I had zero confidence and couldn't internally validate. So like, the idea of like, I was not comfortable or confident enough in our own relationship to you a fucking drop. Yes. I would have. Yeah,

Cassidy Weyers  1:04:40  
but no, so it's not something we were okay with. Because for us sex was an experience together. And that was the problem like, Yeah, us introducing thirds, or that kind of thing was something we were experiencing in unison and that made it acceptable for us and something that we liked, but it was because we were together and it was still something that we were deeming a want you Um, what was both your parents reactions to finding out? You have had sex with other partners during your marriage?

Brett Weyers  1:05:08  
I have no idea. I haven't talked to my parents about it. Just bless

Cassidy Weyers  1:05:11  
their souls. Your parents would fucking they would die. I'm so afraid of. I'm sure to hear this podcast.

Brett Weyers  1:05:19  
I mean, what did you tell your parents?

Cassidy Weyers  1:05:21  
I think my sister told my mom because that's just Yeah, shout out to fucking Kelsey. I think my mom knows. And my dad wouldn't give to Rathaus just my dad is like the most open and accepting person I've ever met.

Brett Weyers  1:05:33  
I mean, both. Both your parents are very, like, realistic to what the world

Cassidy Weyers  1:05:38  
holds. I think my mom struggled with it more sometimes. But

Brett Weyers  1:05:41  
I mean, your dad's been around the block. Yeah, not. I mean, your dad. He's just uh, knows about the real world. That's what I what I mean by Iran blog is your dad is just not

Cassidy Weyers  1:05:51  
just like, he's one of the most accepting people there is he just if it floats your boat, it's not going to harm anybody. He doesn't give a shit. Yeah. And Kelsey, my sister is the most unbarred human I've ever met. So I'm sure she's told my mother. I know. She's told my mother. She told me she's my mother. So sorry, mom. Kelsey, the fuck. So yeah, it is what it is. All right. Now onto the kids. People want to know about how we plan to explain this to our kids when they're old enough to understand and so many people. And if I have to hear this question one more time in passing, not this one. But what if your kids find out about this one day? Or what if they hear these podcasts? Isn't that the i That's the fucking idea. Yeah, like, I get that we come like our generation specifically comes from a generation where secrets were the only way the world went round. Like the only way families functioned. And people maintained their image was by that perfect constant, like, nothing is ever wrong. And our kids can never know mentality. Let's be real, all that did would raise was raised all of us to be some of the most damaged and emotionally traumatized adults there is. And I wasn't necessarily raised in that type of household. So that's a little bit hard for me, because my parents did come from a background of open honesty, when the time was right. So meaning when we were of age to understand certain situations, they talked to us about it. But I think it also helped my sister and I develop into for the most part in mesh emotionally sound adults. I mean, we have our shit, don't get me wrong, but I think her and I are both a little more intuitive than a lot of people we know, and are able to kind of like recognize certain situations differently. So I think that there was a benefit to that. But I ultimately just believe that I want my kids, our kids to learn from our experiences, I want them to be able to hear where we fucked up, and why they fucked up and how it felt. And I want them to see also how we've learned to heal from it too. I think that's such a huge facet of this experience, is that one day, we will heal from it, we will figure out a way to co parent and get along. And I want them to see that version of us as well. So that's the point we want our kids to know, we plan to sit down and talk to them when they're our age to understand how we got here. So there's gonna be a lot of hard conversations. And we've talked about how to rope in a therapist to that to make sure that we're doing it appropriately meets their emotional and just age needs. And it'll be complicated, but we'll figure it out. So

Brett Weyers  1:08:33  
like the one the one thing that I want to make sure that we do and yeah, everything that Cassidy just said, I'm fully on board with because her and I have had, I don't know, hours worth of conversations just around like what we're going to do with the kids when they get older, when's the right time to tell them? Are we going to tell them this and that so everything that Castro said I'm very much on board with. The only thing that I would like to add is if I've made mistakes in my life, and I've also learned how to get past them or through them or learn how to heal trauma. Why would I keep that a secret from my kids? Like why? Why would I? You know, if I've made a mistake and learn from it, why would I let my son go and make the same mistake when he could just learn from me? Or if he makes the mistake, at least learn from me how to fix it. Yeah.

Cassidy Weyers  1:09:28  
I just I want them to learn from our mistakes. I want them to know that we're not perfect people.

Brett Weyers  1:09:33  
I don't want to paint them a picture of the world that isn't realistic.

Cassidy Weyers  1:09:37  
Correct. Like I just we're not perfect. I know that often. I look at my kid and I say I'm sorry. Like Elaina today was so difficult. I was so overstimulated I snapped on her. Like I was like gilina Stop, please. And she cried. It really hurt her and it took me a second to calm down. I needed to walk away but I came back and I was like, I'm sorry. That was mean of me. I yelled at you and that wasn't fair. I just I want them To know that we're not perfect fucking people. I hate that. I just can't stand it. Yeah. All right, this one's good. You make a very conscious decision to cheat, you know what you're doing is wrong. And you know, it would break your family apart. So why not get help before the action?

Brett Weyers  1:10:19  
I had been getting help in one way or another. I mean, I was also in therapy for several years prior to, to all this happening. So I don't know, just the help I was getting wasn't right.

Cassidy Weyers  1:10:35  
I agree. I just don't Yeah, I think it wasn't right. I think that in a very deep format, you just weren't in a place to want it or actively pursue it either. Yeah, I

Brett Weyers  1:10:45  
also didn't, wasn't able to accept the mistakes that I had made, except the choices that I had made.

Cassidy Weyers  1:10:53  
How are you going to address this with Al, the best thing a dad can do is love their mother? So how do you explain to her that she shouldn't tolerate anything but the best from her partner in the future?

Brett Weyers  1:11:03  
She'll learn that through action through what I do after this. Yep, I think she'll learn

Cassidy Weyers  1:11:07  
from me leaving, I think she'll learn from the conversations we'll have with them one day, she'll learn by what we do next action. Yeah. This one is interesting.

Brett Weyers  1:11:17  
We will also talk to her about it, again, full transparency with everything that happened, including emotions and feelings and

Cassidy Weyers  1:11:23  
how we got through it. Right? How would you handle your kids not wanting to speak to you when they're older and fully understand it? I'm going to chime in on this one? Well, because I think a huge part of the way kids perceive their parents is painted by the other parent. Yeah, and I think that it's also up to me, for our kids to see that I'm coming from a place of forgiveness eventually. And that I'm coming from a place of love and acceptance, and that I want them to know that I've healed and that it's okay to love you and forgive you and that it was a hard part for everybody. But it's not something that we all need to spend forever dwelling on. Yeah, they mean, yeah. And ultimately, to their choices are going to come from, like you said, the actions you take, if you take the wrong ones and continues the same patterns. I can't guarantee how they're going to feel about you. Because I'm also going to be openly candid about how I feel about those actions if you continue them as well. Yep. Regardless of whether or not it's with me or another partner, you can't set that tone for them.

Brett Weyers  1:12:26  
So my answer for ya for it. Can you read the question one more time you went up?

Cassidy Weyers  1:12:34  
How would you handle your kids not wanting to speak to you when they're older and fully understand that?

Brett Weyers  1:12:38  
Yeah, I mean, it would just hurt. And that's the biggest one of the biggest fears I have in the world right now. If they didn't want to talk to me, and if I'm not making choices, and you are being a very good co parent Cassady, and they still didn't want to see me, I would understand because they're, of course, they're going to be angry with me at some point for what I did. And splitting up the family. Right. But at the same time, I recognize that at some point, they're going to feel that pain, that anger, and they're going to have to grieve, too. Yep. So

Cassidy Weyers  1:13:18  
I just yeah. All right. Well, either of you ever get remarried? Probably not. Yeah, it doesn't interest me. More. So because marriage is. And I've always thought this it's kind of an I mean, it's an institution, you know, and one of the big reasons we got married is because we want to kids really bad. And we knew that that would be frowned upon to have kids outside of marriage. But I didn't think the marriage part was necessary. You want I didn't the marriage part was necessary. Didn't

Brett Weyers  1:13:50  
think it was didn't think, What do you mean, didn't think the marriage part was necessary having

Cassidy Weyers  1:13:55  
kids we did it partly because it wouldn't have been approved of by family.

Brett Weyers  1:14:01  
Wait, so are you telling me you never wanted to get married?

Cassidy Weyers  1:14:07  
I think I knew that came with me. I mean, I'm a fan. I'm a kid of divorce. So yeah. And I know what that looks like.

Brett Weyers  1:14:13  
But what you're what I'm hearing from you, and if I'm wrong, you need to correct me what I'm hearing from you is that you said yes to my proposal, but you really didn't believe in marriage.

Cassidy Weyers  1:14:29  
It's not that I didn't believe in it. I think every female wants to get married. Like that's kind of the dream, right? And that's something we all desperately want. And I think that I knew the risks that

Brett Weyers  1:14:50  
would usually don't explain it logically. When I proposed to you, how did you feel? Was there a part of you that didn't believe in marriage? urge and felt like you should have said, No. I won't resent you if that's the truth. No,

Cassidy Weyers  1:15:06  
I don't think so. I think I was a giddy girl who was super excited to be engaged and was happily in love with you and wanted the big white wedding and all of the things and but I was also deathly afraid of the idea of divorce.

Brett Weyers  1:15:24  
I mean, I get it too big because mortified me well also, because before we got engaged, I had already been hurting you in that vicious cycle,

Cassidy Weyers  1:15:32  
or they get mortified me the idea of divorce, I just that to me felt like such a huge failure. And I hate setting myself up for failure. And by getting married. There's the potential for failure. You know, I think that I just I didn't want to set myself up for failure. And I knew that by getting married, there was potential for failure there to get divorced. So that was hard for me. It's still it's very hard for me. Brock, can you talk about building your home and now being able to not live there? Come spring when we sell?

Brett Weyers  1:16:12  
Yeah, it sucks. I worked really hard to build this home with you and make you feel homey.

Cassidy Weyers  1:16:19  
We'd love this home actually. Yeah. And we will fall far when we sell it. That's for sure.

Brett Weyers  1:16:28  
Yeah, it makes me really, really sad.

Cassidy Weyers  1:16:30  
Me too. So let's see. This one is fucking golden. Do you regret getting a vasectomy now that you're getting out of a relationship with Cass? No. Do you realize how misogynistic the undertone of that question is?

Brett Weyers  1:16:50  
Yeah, cuz they're blaming you.

Cassidy Weyers  1:16:52  
You assume that I made you get one. No, I

Brett Weyers  1:16:54  
wanted one. I didn't. I don't want more than two kids. It was

Cassidy Weyers  1:16:58  
so funny. Like the undertone to that is like, oh my god, she made you snip. You're not to now you can't procreate with everything that walks? I mean, whatever are you going to do to people not know that vasectomies are reversible? Shut up. That's just validating the point. The point is that simply you were the one who also did not want any more kids. Correct. Like that's the bottom line. You got a mastectomy because we both did not want more than two kids. Yeah.

Brett Weyers  1:17:23  
And even if I didn't have the vasectomy, what I don't want is I never really like I started thinking about divorce right and like moving on and like all the possibilities of what could happen in the future you getting in a relationship more kids me relationship market, whatever. And I was like, Okay, what do I want and not want? Or what am I okay with and not okay with? And one of the things I'm not okay with? Is my kids having stopped siblings? Or me having wings? Yeah, or half siblings? And like, almost feeling like right because that could create the scenario of like off will fuck dad didn't like our family. Good enough. So he went out and had another one. Yep.

Cassidy Weyers  1:18:00  
I don't want more kids period. I don't care who it is like whoever my next partner would be in any way shape or form would have to be okay with me. Not wanting more kids. The

Brett Weyers  1:18:10  
other thing is the like people need to understand that I'm not making that decision solely based on how my kids are going to feel that's also a decision that I am making for me. I don't want

Cassidy Weyers  1:18:20  
three kids. Yeah, I just like to was enough. I like the undertone of this question. It's fucking funny. All right. Brett, what are your addictions? You don't have to answer this if you don't want to.

Brett Weyers  1:18:33  
I mean, there's to tweet and booze. Yeah.

Cassidy Weyers  1:18:39  
I think it's important for people to understand so many people say how can you be addicted to weed? I think it's important to note that you're just an addictive person. And so for you, I think it was accessible. And it allows you to escape your reality and it allowed you to suppress feelings.

Brett Weyers  1:18:56  
So I think people when they think about weed is chemically right. It's less addictive. When you stop. You don't really have withdrawals and stuff like that. But what is it? So chemically, I will agree it's not addictive. But the feeling that I get, my brain gets addicted to that feeling that dopamine release that it's like a weird form of external validation for me. I think it's one escape for you and you were addicted to escape. Yeah, it was a really, it's a great way for me to numb and ignore all of my emotions. And remember, I can only feel happy from outside sources. So I had to silence the inside as much as I could.

Cassidy Weyers  1:19:40  
Yeah. That makes me sad for you.

Brett Weyers  1:19:43  
It makes me sad for me too, because maybe had not learned that a substance could help me avoid my emotions. Maybe I would have dealt with them a bit more properly felt them and instead of hiding from them and letting them turn into trauma,

Cassidy Weyers  1:19:59  
I remember spot think so much time asking you like, let's talk about it, you know, how can I help you? Or, you know, how are you feeling? And I don't even it was sad because in some moments, I realized you couldn't even address it yourself. And that was heartbreaking because you didn't even understand it.

Brett Weyers  1:20:13  
I mean, I remember times we I said this in the last episode, we would have conversations, and you would ask me questions, and you would expect you were kind of expecting or hoping that I would answer the question in a way that was like talking about my feelings and my emotions. And like you having to literally be like, No, Brett, what emotions are you feeling? And then I remember the first time that you asked me that, and I think I sat there and I stared at the fucking ceiling for five minutes, because I was like, I feel things but I don't know what the fuck they are. Like, I couldn't identify simple emotions other than anger, sadness and fear. Going beyond that, like survival emotions. Yes. So like guilt fear, or like guilt, remorse, shame on lovable, ugly, like all of that understood. Yeah. Appreciative. Empathy. Yeah, even positive emotions. I didn't understand. I couldn't identify him. Right. So when you bought Damian in new Lena, the little kids chart that has faces on it, and it's got all the emotions under there. I actually, like looked at it a few times, I was like, Oh, shit. Oh, shit. That's an emotion. Yeah.

Cassidy Weyers  1:21:20  
Last three questions. How does it feel for both of you to be single now after almost a decade? I hate it. Same. I'm exhausted. I started doing the dating apps thing simply to like, I don't know if it was to make myself feel like repulsed. Or to see if there was hope out there. But oh my god, it's like the most defeating feeling in the world. I just love watching

Brett Weyers  1:21:44  
you do that stuff. Dude. I can't begin to imagine what it was like for me for you to have me cheat on you. But like, I understand it in a different way, because I watched you go out on some dates and talk to other men. And, you know, my mind went down that Alice, Alice's rabbit hole. So I think it's harder

Cassidy Weyers  1:22:12  
for for you to because I've been so loyal and the entirety of time we've been together that for you, this is like a new adjustment. Where for me, it's like not the first blip in the bucket. It's not even it's like the 10th or 11th. So

Brett Weyers  1:22:24  
it's also really hard to because my soul is going there's my other half and it's walking away with with somebody else and another potential soul to connect with. And like, that's fair. I mean, I mean, God damn. Like, the fair, the way that that feels is

Cassidy Weyers  1:22:41  
I'm sure that'd be hard for me to like, when it's time for you to move on and find a new relationship. And, like, it's always been so superficial for you. And I've always known the back of my mind, but like actually having to watch you form a connection and fall in love eventually will be hard. Do you guys feel like you fall in love? No.

Brett Weyers  1:23:01  
I want to. I didn't.

Cassidy Weyers  1:23:06  
I definitely didn't.

Brett Weyers  1:23:08  
I never started loving you. But was I becoming more unhappy in our relationships? Yes. And what did I do? I blamed you for it.

Cassidy Weyers  1:23:16  
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I did too, the more we repeated the same cycles where nothing got better. It became harder like you I felt like I was never been heard. But I never fell in love with you. Ever. Yeah. Even close years. You just want it was like where things were really hard at the end, like leading up to cheating. And around that time. I think I even remember telling you like, I remember looking at you and saying I know this is a really hard segment of our marriage right now. I know that Yeah. And I recognize it and I we talked about it. I thought we understood it. And I just said you I said but it won't last forever. It's just there's a lot happening for us right now. And we just have to power through we'll get back to a good side once this is over. And that was just me speaking from a place of Damien being a hard age and Ilana surgery coming up and there was so much PTSD for us, so I think it was all of that. All right, last one. Not even just this one isn't a question. It says look into each other's eyes and kiss and tell us what you feel.

Brett Weyers  1:24:19  
You have an idea who sent that?

Cassidy Weyers  1:24:20  
I only know because she literally messaged me and she's like that was me. I'm like okay, so

Brett Weyers  1:24:27  
you're on try it

Cassidy Weyers  1:24:32  
you are to be like you want to try? I want to I feel nervous and awkward. What? I don't know. I just feel awkward or you

Brett Weyers  1:24:39  
can are you contemplating trying right now?

Cassidy Weyers  1:24:44  
Partly wondering how it would make me feel but I'm like nervous. be awkward. Oh, I want to eat my pizza.

Brett Weyers  1:24:54  
I'd want to eat pizza to someone just ask the question that I If that happened anywhere in the future, before I die on my deathbed, I'd be a happy man. Just for you to try and see what happens. It was your way of trying to get me to try. No, I'm letting you know that you can wait 60 plus years and I'll still be a happy man. If it comes my way. I would appreciate that. Well, I have to get married first. So I told you, I don't want to do that. Alright,

Cassidy Weyers  1:25:24  
let's do this would be a good note. Oh, we're actually going to try? Yes, we gotta I want to know how you feel after okay, I'm nosy.

Brett Weyers  1:25:38  
She's laughed and spit in my face.

Cassidy Weyers  1:25:40  
Sorry. I didn't mean to spit. It was like the Okay. We'll do it. We'll do it.

You first.

Brett Weyers  1:25:53  
I was like the first time I kissed you to butterflies I got and also a huge wave of sadness. Because I think that may be the last time you let me kiss you. I don't want it to be the last. So but I really hurt you. 10 years, never made a change.

Cassidy Weyers  1:26:16  
That was very sad sounding. I know. This has been a really heavy two days. How

Brett Weyers  1:26:23  
do you feel? That's what I went through. And literally a 10 second period

Cassidy Weyers  1:26:30  
I felt sad, I think. And I felt a lot of sadness. Why I feel just pulled in two directions. The the part of me that knows that. I think part of my underlying probably would have stayed forever. I would have let you continue to hurt me to some extent. As much as that's hard to admit and so vulnerable to say. But then the other part of me knows that like, I could not live like this forever. Yeah, I'm

Brett Weyers  1:27:03  
really glad that you didn't go with the part that was like, oh, I'll just put up with this forever. Because I couldn't want to couldn't do it. One. It was you were you're living in in a manner that nobody should. And I'm putting you there. And two, had you stayed I would have kept fucking up my own life. And I myself would be so unhappy. Yeah. Just because of me. I have never been happy with me. So I'm I never wanted this to happen. But I'm really thankful that you you made that commitment to yourself and not to the relationship.

Cassidy Weyers  1:27:48  
I'm sorry if at any point, you felt like I was belittling you. No, I didn't. I mean, I'm sure I mean, I know I was to some extent, and I think maybe we don't even notice it anymore, or recognize it because it's become so passive in the last like two months for us. Even the past six months. Now I get it. You're still grieving. I'm just sad and angry. You're still grieving. So,

Brett Weyers  1:28:08  
and it's only been two months like, we've been 10 years together. We both just agreed that we're proud. We're soulmates, or at least we think we are. I need a new one. And so yeah, there's no way you're going to either of us are going to get over this in two months.

Cassidy Weyers  1:28:28  
No, it'll take time. Time heals all wounds. Yeah. Thanks for being a guest.

Brett Weyers  1:28:34  
Thank you. What you're gonna have to tell me what type of chapstick you use. It's really better than mine. But thank you again for having me on. I also if anyone keeps giving you shit, that like stuff is your fault and you keep having to fight if you keep finding yourself having to defend that it wasn't your fault. Let me know.

Cassidy Weyers  1:28:59  
I'll be honest, like I'm at the point with this where like, just that level of just emotional unawareness is just I'm not even going to give it the space good. It's just not even worth it. Like I just in hindsight. There's so much stupidity stem there. And like this really deep undertones of grotesque. No, thanks. I can't I'm not even gonna get into it because it's not pretty but

Brett Weyers  1:29:28  
good is the answer that I was hoping you were gonna give? Because in my opinion, that's stupid that that's a level of ignorance and stupid that you can't fix. And it's almost not worth the effort. No.

Cassidy Weyers  1:29:38  
But no, thank you for being a guest. Thank you for this was a wild couple of hours of just deep diving. And I'm sure there's so much more people want to ask about and maybe I'll have you back and we'll talk about some other cool shit, but

Brett Weyers  1:29:50  
it's what there were three or did we squeeze both of that into one into two?

Cassidy Weyers  1:29:53  
I know people want to hear about like raising a medically complex kid and things like that, that we could probably talk about together. So we'll get to that at some point. But I want to do some risky shit and live my best life on this podcast because everyone already thinks that I'm a psychopath. So