Episode 28: Navigating the Festivities: Managing Holiday Stress, Embracing Personal Traditions, and Knowing Your Boundaries with Guest JP Reynolds

Ever felt like the holiday season is more stressful than it needs to be? We've been there too. We invited our special guest, JP Reynolds, back on our show, Dumpster Diving with Janice and Jane, to chat about navigating family dynamics, handling holiday expectations, and setting boundaries during this often chaotic season. We get candid about our own experiences and talk about how to create meaningful holiday rituals and traditions to maintain sanity amidst the holiday frenzy.

JP shares his unique family experiences, providing a fresh perspective on dealing with holiday stress. Together, we discuss our personal rituals that give us a sense of grounding and encourage listeners to think about what makes their holiday season special.  Truth is, it's okay to break away from societal norms and focus on what truly matters to you. From discussing the pressure of achieving the 'perfect' holiday to emphasizing the need for setting personal boundaries, we cover it all.

Join us as we laugh, share stories, and offer strategies to help you sail through the holiday season with grace and humor. We promise it'll be worth your while. So, get comfortable and prepare to see the holidays in a whole new light.

Learn more about JP: https://www.jpboc.com/

Reach out to Janice & Jane: dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

You are listening to Dumpster Diving with Janice and Jane, and today we have our special guest. He's returning. This is the second time around and he'll come a lot more, but you know we'll see how much damage we could do today. Hey, jp Reynolds, our coach, extraordinary, we are such such fangirls.

Speaker 3: 0:26

And Jane, let's be clear, this is the first time JP will be with us on a fireside chat, so we don't even know what's going to happen. Right now, everybody Like we haven't seen, as far as I know, jp like completely unhinged, but he promised us consistent oddity. So that's, that is what we have to live up to. He's got to live up to this oddity, so here we go.

Speaker 2: 0:50

All right, I love it.

Speaker 3: 0:51

I love it. All right, you guys, we are continuing on right. So this is going to be a true testament to the difference, jane, between a fireside chat and a regular episode, because by the time people hear this, they'll have already listened multiple times to our episode on holidays with family right Multiple times. God only knows how many times right.

Speaker 1: 1:10

I mean diligently taking notes.

Speaker 3: 1:13

Deligently taking notes, listening on the podcast, watching on YouTube, doing all the things. By the way, we are on YouTube now if you hadn't been paying attention, so go check us out. Yes, and, by the way, jane's got all kinds of hair going on, so what, it looks like I grew up my beard. I grew up my beard.

Speaker 1: 1:30

I mean I couldn't.

Speaker 3: 1:31

Well, and your beard, don't have to forget. Go to YouTube to see Jane's beard, exactly. So this will be the true testament to okay, that was that episode. We're going to continue that topic because we are in holiday season and it's going to be around for another six weeks, right so? And we brought JP because we knew JP would be able to offer us guidance and a comfort and a learning presence around trauma. The commas, right, but the fireside chat.

Speaker 2: 1:59

I think you got the wrong JP. I think you got the wrong JP.

Speaker 1: 2:03

He came to fireside chat. I think we say fireside chat, jp. Let's do it, I love it, I love it.

Speaker 3: 2:06

So where do we want to start, jane? I'm trying to decide Like, do we just what do you want to start with?

Speaker 1: 2:15

Well, you know it was funny. I originally, when I spoke to JP last week and told him about our idea, he was like, oh, how fitting. I'm not talking to one of my family members right now. Or they're, or they're mad at me or whatever, and I was like I laughed and I was like, yeah, you know, you can tell us all about it on the fireside chat or not, but that's hilarious, that right before the holidays.

Speaker 3: 2:39

We love that you're not talking to someone.

Speaker 1: 2:41

But it's, it's. It's one of those things where it's like, of course it's right before the holidays, of course it's not going to make anything awkward you know, it's just one of those things and and as you know, we're just, we're just going to be very candid tonight and and have a lot of fun. So not that you have to tell that story, jp, but I think everybody wants to know now.

Speaker 3: 3:04

And you can change names. You can change names and relationships to protect the not so innocent.

Speaker 1: 3:09

So you just your PJ and so yeah.

Speaker 3: 3:13

Yeah, nobody's going to know who you are now. Totally different.

Speaker 2: 3:17

Oh no, you know. So, first of all, it's wonderful to be with the two of you. Every guest says that, no matter what show they're on. However, I truly mean it.

Speaker 3: 3:31

I really wish you'd say it sucks to be back here. I cannot believe you asked me that.

Speaker 1: 3:36

You two again.

Speaker 2: 3:39

But I, so you know it's it's blowing my ear, I'll follow you anywhere. And then so, when you invited me, it's like, of course. Then, after I said the yes, it was like I don't know if this is really the topic, that I should be sitting around the fire side with the two of you chatting about anything. So you, okay. Okay, where do I begin? I begin with. You have to understand that I have a, as many people do, a peculiar, distinct relationship with holidays.

Speaker 3: 4:23

Okay.

Speaker 2: 4:24

And so you know, I, growing up, it was my mother and father. I have a younger brother. My father was the only child of an only child, oh, and there was no family on that side. A grandmother who I adored, another grandmother who was one of the most evil people I've ever met. Both grandfathers read the picture and then, on my mother's side, she had three sisters, none of whom spoke to each other at any one time. So growing up there might be one aunt who was whatever, and I had one aunt who I loved, adored, but you know, she went through husbands like a subscription service.

Speaker 3: 5:19

Like our, like our father is what?

Speaker 1: 5:22

I in me kind of. I mean, you know, I would never say that hey.

Speaker 2: 5:29

Well, with my, with my aunt's, it was basically why get to know the guy, because you know.

Speaker 1: 5:36

I'm going to dump him anyway.

Speaker 2: 5:38

Yeah, why exert all that effort? It's just there's no. There's no pay off for it.

Speaker 1: 5:45

No, never. It's not worth the long haul.

Speaker 2: 5:48

So, since we're on the cusp of Thanksgiving, I'll begin with Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving was at the dinner table my mother, my father, my brother, my grandmother who I adored and myself. Every year, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, at the dinner table was my mother, my father, my brother and myself. Okay, all of which means Thanksgiving was simply a big meal on a Thursday.

Speaker 3: 6:23

There you go, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:26

You know. So this notion of Norman Rockwell, yeah. Like there's just no. We didn't have to go through the woods, we didn't have to get in a sleigh. There was, you know nothing.

Speaker 1: 6:40

There's no caroling and and and doing all the fun stuff I know, it was, just it was.

Speaker 2: 6:46

It was a very nice meal, yeah, so you know, we had a little bit of a smoothie, ocean spray canned canberry juice sauce.

Speaker 3: 6:55

That's my recipe, cool.

Speaker 2: 6:57

That is a real cranberry sauce, may I say yes. So what this meant was I don't have now, at this point in my life, I don't have any kind of an emotional attachment to Thanksgiving.

Speaker 3: 7:13

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 7:14

It's like okay, thank God, I don't have to do any zoom on Thanksgiving, I don't have to do any work, I can just veg out. And I share this because, because it I want to be upfront about having an odd approach to it all. Okay, okay, okay, thank you. Okay, I will say I feel very strongly. Aside from the coaching, I also officiate non-denominational wedding ceremonies. I've said that when I was with you before. If I didn't say that when I was with you before, it is too long a story to go into.

Speaker 2: 8:02

However, I spent a lot of time officiating weddings and oftentimes a couple will say to me we can't wait until we start our life together. And my response is your life started when you bumped into each other at the bar. Your life started when you swiped right or left or whatever you did. And what the wedding does is it celebrates what already exists. So I think when people talk about oh, I get all worked up about the holidays, the reality is people are preeminently consistent. So whoever got drunk last Thanksgiving is gonna get drunk again this Thanksgiving. Whoever is gonna, you know, magnify the conversation last year, he's gonna magnify it again this year, yep. So when we talk about navigating the holidays, or you know that cliche of surviving the holidays. I think we've been conditioned to expect that something special is going to happen.

Speaker 1: 9:25

I'm like God, I never thought of that. Next, like just treat it. I'm just treating it as going to.

Speaker 3: 9:33

No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2: 9:35

Unless we get a script in the mail from the Hallmark channel, I think the dialogue is gonna be the same. Oh my God.

Speaker 3: 9:43

Okay, so for our list of people on YouTube, I want you to use the comments right now and I want you to play the game with us. And the game is gonna go like this. Actually, I want you to wait. Well, you won't even hear this. You'll hear this episode after Thanksgiving. So I want you to use the comments to play this game with me. And the game is this how accurate was JP in terms of the same person who got drunk last year, the same person like I? Want you to keep a score of how many things consistently were true this year, as we're last year. Go, and we will respond to them if you comment on our YouTube.

Speaker 2: 10:18

And I can guarantee they will be. They will be next year, yes, okay.

Speaker 1: 10:23

He's a fortune teller, guys.

Speaker 2: 10:26

No, there's no real, you know All right A poignant story that is holiday adjacent, when, when my father was dying, my father died from pancreatic cancer. He got the diagnosis, you know, six months and a half, two months later he was dead. He was in assisted living. Well it, you know, I mean it's good that it went. You know when I took the video that's true, that's true. The man was 89 and then whatever.

Speaker 1: 10:58

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 11:01

And I remember, I remember my brother very sweetly hoping, wanting for that, for that moment when my father would look at him and say I love you, say thank you, say I'm so proud of you, okay, and I remember I was with my brother that moment where we thought we were on the cusp of that, you know, and and my father, you know, and Peter's there and he's saying you know that we, if there's anything you want to tell us, anything you want to ask us, please, we're here for you and it's very I'm not mocking my brother, I mean it's very, but I'm thinking, you know we don't have to say we, you could say you, I'm not expecting anything.

Speaker 2: 12:07

My father, who still was, had his all of his faculties. There was many of his faculties that you normally had, but he was there. He looks in and he says I have a question. He says yes, don't anything done. Says who's going to take me to dinner? It was assistant living in the other way. We all you know into the cafeteria or whatever.

Speaker 1: 12:37

And.

Speaker 2: 12:37

Peter said well, I will you know, did she? We will. Okay, he says is there anything else? Says no, no credits, I can't. Oh credits, oh my God. And this was a man, this was a. He died as he lived, oh, died as he lived. Okay, that's the point I want to make. I want to make sure that people are preeminently consistent up to their last breath, and I think part of this whole holiday thing is, you know that, that suddenly, magically, you know life, relationships, energy is going to change.

Speaker 2: 13:30

Yeah, and it's all hands and have a moment of Zen. No, I don't know. Whatever annoyed you about somebody last month on Halloween?

Speaker 1: 13:44

It's going to annoy you on Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2: 13:45

Yes, Christmas, christmas day. So I think you know part of this is we have to let go Of the hype. We have to let go of. I know it's that magical time of year, but let's let go of the magic, right? Okay, I'm not saying that there aren't sweet moments, but to think that, because it's the holidays, people are going to act, right, yeah, that all you have to do is stand on the mistletoe and bam, the past is forgotten and forgiven.

Speaker 3: 14:29

No, no, you've given me a little bit of pause. I agree with you. I love how you just Couch that right and I think that, as we, for folks who go into holidays or and are constantly disappointed, that is like right on right, like here's how you avoid disappointment. Stop expecting it to be different. However, jp, you also, and you also dredged up a little bit of panic for me because Listen Between you and me, don't tell Jane I said this. I said I'm not going to tell you. I'm not going to tell you. This is going to be my first Thanksgiving with Jane. Yeah, you got this weird look on her face when you were talking about like how people will, and I just thought to myself I don't know who Thanksgiving Jane is.

Speaker 2: 15:17

What the hell have I set? Myself up for I don't know what the fuck is going on Thanksgiving. Okay, you have sent yourself up. For what?

Speaker 1: 15:27

each of you has sent yourself up for is. We get the surprise you each do Okay.

Speaker 2: 15:34

I'm going to set up a surprise, okay, tennessee Williams, one of my favorite playwrights, little known play of his called small craft warnings. The lead character at one point in the play asks this question yeah, he asks. What is the one thing in life we must not lose sight of? The answer? Surprise, the capacity for surprise. Yeah, all of that that's beautiful, yeah, and I think you know, I think, let go of the desire for magic, but always keep your heart open to surprise, right?

Speaker 3: 16:21

So let me add something to that, then, because I feel like the other piece for me, right, of this kind of big holiday puzzle is you know, jane and I have talked a lot about our own experiences for holidays, right, and when I think about Thanksgiving and Christmas, my mom was actually one of those people. In the midst of all the insanity, right, and all of the dysfunction and, frankly, all the violence, my mom is actually one of those people who went all out for holidays and I'm pretty sure it's because she was trying to I'm going to use the expression makeup for her own lacking right In childhood. So my mom would cook all the things she would, you know, at Christmas and I know I get this from her whether I like it or not at Christmas she was the person out in the cold putting up their lights on the house, like every single year. She made sure that she did that. I know I get that from her, but the dysfunctional part still seeped in, right, because she would invite all of her sisters and, like you were saying about your aunts, it's like everybody always hated each other, like they were always on the outs Like every it didn't all the time, whether it was a random Saturday, or it was a Thursday. At Thanksgiving they were on the out. So so, even though she did all these things, it was still just marred by all of that.

Speaker 3: 17:34

However, because of all of that, for me holidays are a big deal, but the difference is I control them Right, and so I work really hard to create the holidays that I wish I had had as a kid.

Speaker 3: 17:50

There's no quite I understand the psychology of that, right For myself, but, more importantly, obviously, for the people around me, right For my own kids, for my family, et cetera.

Speaker 3: 17:58

It's really important to me for that and and and I will say that I can and I actually say this with a lot of gratitude in my heart that because I have kind of gotten to the point in my life where I'm like, fucking, I'm going to surround my people self with the people who bring me joy and bring me happiness they're usually fairly uneventful in terms of like drama or crazy or anything like that because I'm surrounding my people with with myself, with people who bring joy, and so they bring joy to each other, right? So I feel like I say that to what you just said because I feel like, if you're the person who's always going to and expecting it to be different. I 100% agree with everything you just said, but I want to shed light on the opportunity to make it your own by doing it yourself right, making it your own by being the person who makes those choices.

Speaker 2: 18:48

Right. So you have touched on something that I think is very important, and was the other thing.

Speaker 3: 19:01

I think I'm really important. I just wanted to put that out there.

Speaker 2: 19:04

So, and it's the importance Of ritual In our lives that's so true.

Speaker 2: 19:17

And so, for all of my Conflicted feelings To Thanksgiving and Christmas because of the past and we're also rituals that ground me and so, for instance, when I was a child, I gave my mother and father but it was really my mother who appreciated it I gave my mother every Christmas a Christmas ornament, and when my nieces each of them were born, I have given each of my nieces, mary and Gracie, a Christmas ornament from their first Christmas. They now each have. They're in their early 30s, but some years they got a bonus ornament, so they each now have over 40 ornaments from me. We were going to you, invited to join us tonight. She was able to make it my goddaughter, meredith, meredith, her sister, every Christmas they have. They have close to 50 ornaments each.

Speaker 2: 20:40

It is just, and for me it's like I don't have to worry about a gift. That's the gift and the ornament. The ornament has to reflect what happens in the year, so that when you look at their tree it tells the story of the last 30 plus years for them. That's a ritual. That for me, is a ritual that I honor each year. I don't need to sit at the Norman Rockwell dinner table on a Thursday, but I already today start and I start collecting these ornaments like throughout the year, and today it's like okay, we before okay, oh my, omg, I got to see what I got stashed away. Um, I think in the mad dash, scrabble of scramble of the holidays, you know what you were talking about. Janice was in the midst of all of the chaos. Your mother had certain rituals.

Speaker 3: 21:47

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 21:47

And for her, those rituals grounded her and were a gift. Those rituals did not eliminate the cray cray, but somewhere in that ritual was the oasis. And you know, when my godson Finn was growing up, his father was not in the pictures. Father should have been arrested, he was just whatever, and so it was just his mother and his mother was from a European country. So you know, the whole US customs was foreign to her and so Finn really didn't have much orientation to ritual and it was around, you know, now, around Thanksgiving, every, from the time I, I, I, I, I don't know, from the time he was like maybe five, I throw him in the car. Literally, I would throw him in the car. Much too passerby is a shock, um, and I say, okay, we need to get your mother a Christmas gift.

Speaker 3: 23:08

We need to get her a gift.

Speaker 2: 23:09

It needs to be from you. I will pay for it, but your mother needs a gift and it's like. Initially it was like what? No, let me tell you what I want. It's like, and then, first we're going to get your mother the gift, then we will get you a gift. And I am bragging now because what I wanted to give him was the gift of, I suppose, gift giving ritual, and then I taught him how to wrap the gift.

Speaker 1: 23:42

Oh yes, that's my big part, yes.

Speaker 2: 23:46

Hello, and it would be like we would get I I, I modify a little bit, we get a Christmas gift bag and then the tissue paper. And he'd say you do it. I said, no, it's not my mother, it's not my mother, it's not my gift, you figure out how to do this. And we would laugh and we'd have fun. And then he'd get the candy cane and then we'd go off to Target and he'd get his special gift. But for me, that's that had been he's since his move out of LA, but that had been a touchstone, how I observed and honored and celebrated the holidays. He now is in his early twenties. He and his mother remarried. They live in Texas, you know, I don't want to know if he's buying her a gift, but I, I offered that ritual. And so what is does all this mean? And then I will shut up. Is anybody listening? Is what are the rituals that give you life during the holidays? Because there are plenty of rituals that will drive you start craving mad.

Speaker 1: 25:04

Exactly, exactly, and I feel like you have to live up to versus I love that language rituals that give you life yes, yeah, you know, I'm glad that you brought that up, because I just recently was having a conversation with one of my best friends and we were at a networking thing and we had to meet with people as like speed dating, but it was like speed introductions and then, you know, go around, and then we ended up in front of each other and like, oh, we can talk for four minutes, let's go, you know, and she was, I was like you know, she goes, tell me something I don't know. And I was like God, you know everything about me, I think, for the most part. And and she's like what's your? What was your favorite Christmas?

Speaker 2: 25:46

Now there's a triggering question.

Speaker 1: 25:48

Yeah, yeah, big time. And I was like how fitting we're going to be talking about this tomorrow. Um, uh, I was just like well, to be honest, I don't have a favorite Christmas. And she was like come on, jane, like come on, you, come on. And I was like no, I'm dead serious. I have never had like a Christmas where I was like holy shit, like this was my favorite Christmas of all time. And I said I and I said and because?

Speaker 1: 26:18

And the reason for that is is because it was a nightmare every year. It was a complete nightmare Thanksgiving, christmas, easter nightmare. I said, but I love Halloween. Why? Because that was the one holiday that my mother actually her crazy worked. So she wanted to dress us up and like and she loved it. You know, she liked she would.

Speaker 1: 26:44

I mean, I remember one time we had the Halloween, the whole front yard decorated. My brother, jason, no longer with us, rip. Jason was in like this vampire outfit and he was playing the organ like he had a keyboard and it was on organ, and my stepfather was all wrapped up in ace bandages, acting like a mummy, and I was a witch and we had these ghosts and I mean we had so much fun on Halloween, and I think that that's why I'm so creepy, because I just that was. That was it does. I mean that was our fun holiday. Thanksgiving was a nightmare. We never got to see our family, so it was just us. And then it was just like you, jp. It's all of us sitting there eating stuff where we don't want to be around each other, and mom screaming at everyone, and you know. So it was just that.

Speaker 1: 27:29

But the rituals for Halloween obviously stuck with me. So I always decorate for Halloween and we do. I do my kids makeup and stuff and I help them and I mean we've come up with some really cool, you know, costumes, and I mean almost every year my costume comes out of my closet. But you know it's a new combination, you know, and I'm a witch or a gypsy or something like that, and everybody's like, hey, okay, that works. And I'm like, okay, but the Christmas ritual the one thing that I did love about Christmas was our stockings.

Speaker 1: 28:02

That was the only thing that my mom had 100% control over, I think, because you know the rest of it was like you know, we got maybe one thing that we want to. We were poor, you know we got a little, one little thing, but the. But we cared about that, not my mom. So my mom would always do the stocking and we would have a giant jawbreaker at the toe, you know. And then we would have those rice candies with the little paper wrap and the little gummy ones in there I mean, it was down to a tee the same candies and so we looked forward to that because we knew we would get these really cool candies and and some little trinkets, or maybe some little jewelry or something like that. And then the rest was just like regular, like what we asked for, whatever. So I love that and I now do that. I've done that with my kids every single year.

Speaker 1: 28:53

And and the other thing is as ornaments. I give away ornaments for Christmas, christmas gifts to coworkers and everything else. I usually make a card and then I have a wooden laser cut ornament on there and then, if it's if they don't get a card, then they get a big ornament or something like that. But I love ornaments as presents, but. But yeah, so we're talking about holidays and all of that, and I was coaching with one of my clients today and the holidays came up and and she had mentioned like ooh, you know.

Speaker 1: 29:22

And so we? I chuckled because we were having this conversation tonight, but she had mentioned something about you know, maybe having some friction with somebody, and and I said Well, you know what are boundaries to you? How do you think they work, you know? And she was like Well, you know, you, you set your boundaries and then you let people know that they're crossing it, and blah, blah, blah. And I said Well, let me, let me offer you another perspective. What if boundaries are for you because you have control over you? Do you have control over anybody else? She's like no. I said Okay, so they cross your boundary, you can't stop them, right? And she's like yeah, and I go.

Speaker 1: 30:00

So what if boundaries were for you to know when or when not to handle something you know? And, and you can lift the boundary if you want to, but it's really for you. And when you look at it that way, if somebody is coming up and a conversation is coming up and it's bouncing against your, your boundary, you can choose whether to allow it to happen or use a response to stop it. And she's like oh, she goes. Well, I've never thought about boundaries like that. I go, yeah, I said Because we only have control over ourselves. I mean, everybody's going to do what they're going to do. And I told her the parable about the, the, the scorpion and the frog. You know and and I've said it on the podcast before you know, the scorpions not going to change. It's scorpion is a scorpion, it's going to sting you.

Speaker 1: 30:52

So if you know that about people, just like you started with you know JP, like, if you know that about people, then you know what to expect from them and then you know how to shut it down for yourself and you don't need to have an emotional reaction to it, because you already know what's going to happen.

Speaker 1: 31:12

So instead you say Am I going to deal with this or am I not?

Speaker 1: 31:16

And then how am I going to handle that? You know, I said If, if, if a conversation comes up and and whatever that person is saying and it evokes that from you, then you can say you know, I don't think right now is a great time to have this conversation. Let's enjoy the dinner and let's schedule some time to have some coffee and really talk that out when we're not amongst family and everything else. And she's like oh my gosh, yeah, you know, and it was just like this light bulb turned on for her because she was just like I didn't really think about it that way where I could control the boundary and I go, yeah, then nobody invades it, right, and she's like, yeah, so that's how we kind of ended our conversation for the for the day, but it was it was more so to help her with handling family and and and getting together for the holidays and not getting triggered and being able to move through the day and have a good time and be that joy and receive joy in certain ways.

Speaker 2: 32:16

So so I like that a lot and you know fist bump on that sound. As you were speaking, it occurred to me that actually that whole notion of boundaries can be extended beyond just the other person I'm sitting across from, to society's frenzied approach to holidays. You can say you can, I can, we can set boundaries as to how much I'm going to let the commercialization of this, yeah, I'm going to let the, the onslaught of movies. How much I'm going to the it's. It's. It's like okay, you know, I took Finn to get his mother a gift. Good, I'm now, I'm not, I don't need anything more. That's it, boundary. I don't I don't need to feel bad because I don't have 20 relatives, I don't. It's. It's about creating a boundary. It's about creating what, what do you need, what do you want? And not feeling guilty about it. Yeah, right.

Speaker 1: 33:39

Exactly.

Speaker 3: 33:41

Well, and I will say this, jane, that I will. So what struck me is so important about what you said is, I think, that we do typically talk about boundaries in terms of what other people have to stop doing.

Speaker 2: 33:54

Right.

Speaker 3: 33:54

And I think that's one of the other conversations I've had with folks of late where it's like, well, this is my boundary and so therefore, that person needs to stop dot dot dot. So I love the idea of your boundary is actually for you, because you can't control anyone else, so you have to think about your boundary in terms of what your action will be if it, when somebody pushes on it or crosses it or could cross it or what have you. A, I think that's incredibly empowering, but B, it's also like it sets people up for a kind of ties to what you said earlier, jp, in terms of you know what you expect, not not expecting something different from the same circumstances. Right that that you, you, your your experience isn't dependent on whether or not somebody respects your boundaries, and I think I'm thinking about, like that idea of respecting people's boundaries is so prevalent right now.

Speaker 3: 34:46

And you're offering a different lens of what I don't have to rely on whether or not somebody chooses to respect my boundary. I have my battery and I'm going to control how I react with it. That is a whole like. It's a very enlightened perspective and I really hope that folks who are listening are you spend some time really thinking about that right, because it really sheds a whole different light on that idea.

Speaker 1: 35:09

What? When I started, when I came to that realization was with my mom, and it was the last Christmas that we spent together, and I think I told the story, but I'll briefly tell it. There, there was a whole present situation where I asked her not to buy a certain present for my youngest daughter. She did it anyway. It caused a major problem, you know, and, and, and I found myself telling her you, you're not respecting my boundaries. You know, when I asked you and blah, blah, and, and you did exactly what I asked you not to do. You know, and, and here we are. I'm upset, you, you, you know, like there's all these things going on and it's just too much.

Speaker 1: 35:52

And it was that Christmas that I realized I'm like I can't. I could never control her, I could never ask her to, to act a different way or anything. I've asked over and over my whole freaking life and she's never done it, never, never. She's always been the same person. Yeah, and that's when I clicked in my head.

Speaker 1: 36:13

I'm like wait a minute, boundaries aren't for people not to cross there, for me to know when I'm done, yeah, and, and or, or if I can go further, and, and it's for me, and so my boundary is I always tell people I said, oh, I have a great relationship with my mother because we don't have one. Yeah, that's the only way that it would work, the only way I mean, for God's sakes, my brother and my sister in law are living with me because she swung on my sister in law Like and when they were living together, mothers in her 70s, and she's trying to punch my sister in law and she's she, she's never going to be different. No, I had to change the way that I was approaching it because there was no way I was going to come out of it Same, you know, and and so, and that's, and that's when I switched it, and and I coach about that all the time, and and it's so effective, it's so effective, I use it all the time.

Speaker 2: 37:08

Right, no amen to that.

Speaker 3: 37:15

Yeah Is that a mic drop, that's a mic drop A little bit, a little bit Thumbster fired, mic drop, if we had a producer, they would put a mic drop picture into this.

Speaker 1: 37:28

But we don't, so that's a magic yeah.

Speaker 3: 37:31

Yeah, yeah. But I love that because I feel like going into thanks, well, again, after people will listen to this, they're going to be going into Christmas. Thanksgiving will be over, for better or for worse, so but I think it's really great timing for people to evaluate that and make some decisions right. And and you know, JP, I'm thinking about your, you know your Norman Rockwell reference, and I just think that it's so fascinating how I like it so how much that whole notion of like the perfect holiday is still kind of pervasive, although I do feel like we're starting to see, like we're starting to see more kind of common place references to Unique holidays, right, like there is no such thing as a ideal holiday or a normal Rockwell, rockwell, like make it all perfect kind of holiday, but that everybody kind of makes their own holiday. And yet I feel like there's there's these pressures right that come with family relationships mostly, where you know, no matter what's happening, I still got to show up at Thanksgiving. No matter how miserable I know it's going to be, I still got to show up at Christmas, right. And so I wonder if we can spend a little bit of time like thinking about how people can be empowered to take a different action to your point chain, right, like and I know it's hard because there's levels, right Like, there's there's people annoying me level which is like, ok, well, you know, that's life, that's not the end of the world, right. And then there's the I'm triggered because, you know, so and so in the family once upon a time treating me inappropriately or what Like.

Speaker 3: 39:05

There's a whole spectrum of things that are reasons why holidays might be challenging for folks, and so for me, I feel like I love that we started with JPU said OK, guidance piece number one stop expecting something different. Right, they are who they are. They're going to keep doing what they're going to do. So stop expecting something different. You're setting yourself up for, you know, disappointment. Jane, I love that you layered onto that Like think about your own boundaries and how you're going to act on those boundaries, because they're yours, right, don't? You don't need to announce on, you don't need to tell everybody. You just need to understand them yourselves and decide in advance. Right, be thoughtful in advance about how you might, how you might, act accordingly, right? So I think the third piece that I'll layer on there, and then you know, you guys can react and then throw anything else that you see is and it's.

Speaker 3: 39:57

It can come across as flippant, because for me this has been my life for 30 years, but it's choose to choose to do something different. Right Like, at some point you have the, you have complete autonomy over how you choose to spend a holiday. And JPU got this a little bit when you said I'm going to butcher your words now, but you basically kind of implied the same idea Right Like, you can control you. Jane. You said the same thing you can control you. So I'm sitting here thinking to myself, like the people who are listening who heard both of those things, and said, yeah, but if I don't go, my mom will or my grandma will or my dot dot dot will. Right Like, how do you? You know, how do you kind of handle that?

Speaker 3: 40:39

And in my mind at the end of the day is still this idea of like it's okay to say this time I'm just not right Like, and you can use all kinds of excuses for that. Right Like, I'm all about with our kids and parenting. We often say to both I. We often say to our kids throw us under the bus, like if you need to get out of whatever or you have a friend trying to get you to do whatever, throw us under the bus Like who cares? We don't care. The same idea, right, like whether it's gosh. I finally want to like have a Christmas with just us and the kids so we can build our own traditions. Or, oh, I really have to go Like I don't know, I can't think of a list of excuses right now, but like how we help people be empowered to decide that they're just not going to Right, just like you're just going to do it different.

Speaker 2: 41:26

Yes, yes, I would say two things that you know. The operative word here tonight is the word choice, and the issue becomes when people feel obligated to do something and then get royally pissed.

Speaker 3: 41:57

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 41:58

And it's like, oh, damn it God. Oh, you know, I'm just going to go and I'm just going to drink. I just, I just hate it, and it's like well, talking about those. We trick ourselves into thinking I have to.

Speaker 3: 42:24

That's right.

Speaker 2: 42:26

Nobody is holding a gun to anybody's head here, okay. However, the then I want to add on to it is that if I choose to go to a relative's home for dinner, then I no longer have the right to bitch in my Exactly, you chew, I'm not going to chew.

Speaker 2: 42:55

I have chosen, I have chosen. It is okay, I don't. I don't like that particular relative or whatever. I know how this is going to play out. However, I don't have the courage to tell them I'm going to do something else, so I don't have the courage to choose to do what I want to do. However, I am choosing to go, I am choosing not to have the courage to do something else, and so I no longer have the right to complain. 100%, 100%. I think that's an effort.

Speaker 3: 43:35

silence, baby suffer in silence.

Speaker 2: 43:37

That's all we ask Well not even suffer, not even suffer in silence. It's mad. I'm agreeing to do this, that's right. I'm agreeing to do this. So if I'm agreeing to do this, I have forfeited the right to then bore friends for the rest of the week over happy hour, bitching and moaning.

Speaker 3: 43:57

Right my kids or my spouse or my whatever right Like right.

Speaker 2: 44:02

It's about being intentional. Yeah, it's being intentional. Oh, I'll laugh. I'm not going to do this. So it's, it's, it's. I'm going because I want to respect my mother's wish. I want to respect my mother. Yeah, it's a gift to my mother, who I want to strangle most times. However, merry Christmas, mom. I'm here, but there's the attitude you lose the drama.

Speaker 3: 44:37

You can lean into it and be your best self, Right, Like if you made the choice. Lean into it, be your best self, regardless of what's going to happen, and then honestly walk out the door afterwards, shake it off and keep going Right, Like which is easier Southern done right, but still can find.

Speaker 2: 44:54

You can find ways to entertain yourself and have fun. I remember a year ago when my father was alive and I went back for Christmas and my niece Gracie. We were sitting on the sofa. My father had a girlfriend at Tucci what's he? Who had a large family.

Speaker 3: 45:12

Hold on Children and grandchildren.

Speaker 2: 45:15

He spent most of his time talking about your lawns is grandchildren rather than the two that he had.

Speaker 1: 45:21

Okay.

Speaker 3: 45:22

Standing right next to you how awful it is. I want to point out the term to see what's he, because you've heard it here first. Okay, continue, I just want to make sure.

Speaker 2: 45:31

All right. So Gracie, god lover, I don't think she was more than 10. So I don't understand. Gracie was is adorable, all right, biased I am, yes, but reality. And she'd say on the sofa. And she'd say, grandpa, do you think the world would look nicer if snow were a different color? Wow, okay. And he would like look at her and it's like, and the two jokes, him and Yolanda, be like oh, sweetheart, you don't like white? Well, I'm just thinking, grandpa pink.

Speaker 2: 46:13

I took her aside. I said what the hell were you doing? Oh, I just, I just like asking grandpa stupid questions and seeing how he'll answer them. She, she knew Okay, I'm not important, I'm not important in this man's life. I am not going to ask stupid, ask questions, I am. I'm so interested in this in here. My parents want me to sit on this sofa and entertain this man. I love it.

Speaker 2: 46:41

So at the age of 10, it was like Okay, I'm just going to like make up questions. Oh, my God. So my, it was a bit of improv comedy. Yeah, you know, if there's any psychiatrist listening in, they may say Gracie needs therapy or I need therapy for thinking. It's a brilliant idea, but the I offer it because it is wackadoo and but. But it was her saying Okay, my parents are making me sit on this sofa. I don't want to sit on this sofa, I don't want to talk to this man, but I have to talk to this man if I want to continue to live in this house, right? So what can I do to what? What can I do differently to make this at least, if not more than a tolerable experience? Right, I think it was at the age of 10, respecting herself, having fun and choosing Yep.

Speaker 3: 47:49

Choosing.

Speaker 3: 47:50

Oh my God, I love that. I love it so much. So I'm going to just lift it up from the perspective, from a parenting coach perspective, to say to parents who are listening, like whether, whether it's like your circumstance, her circumstance is I'm a second class citizen, right to the to see what's his grandkids. I'm going to say this episode. So I'm second class citizen to them. So I am going to make this choice this way. But I think about kids from you know 1213, all the way up, right, they go into the holiday seasons dreading in their own way and having no choice, right, because they're being dragged, they have no choice, they're being forced to sit there, they're being forced to have the conversation you just said, et cetera. So, from a parenting coach perspective, I want to lift that up and say to parents first off, acknowledge it, right, I know you don't want to go, I know it's the last thing you want to do. We're going to go anyway and then maybe empower your kid with this little story because I love JP, like every parent's going to be. Like you know what. I want you to be nice to. You know so and so and I want you to be nice to whatever.

Speaker 3: 48:49

And we talked in the last episode about be careful about that. Right, we want to make sure we protect our children and our children feel safe and sometimes the whole be nice thing can set them up for not being safe. So I'll leave that alone because we talked about it. But in this case, I love the idea of, like if mom looks at you and says, look, I know you got, I know you don't want to go, hey, here's the thing. I don't care what wacky questions you put on the table, do whatever, I don't care how you have the conversation, as long as it's not disrespectful, ask whatever the hell you want and just see what the hell happens. And if they walk away from you, you're free man. Like go scroll on your phone.

Speaker 2: 49:20

You know it's interesting because you see Gracie embodied at the age of 10, what we're talking about. Gracie knew. Gracie knew that because she was not Yolanda's granddaughter, she was second class. Okay. Now she could have desperately wanted to be first class and done gymnastics to get my father to see her acknowledge her. Oh, sweetheart, you're the apple of my eye. I'm the apple of my eye. I'm not going to be a first class. I'm not going to be a first class, right. And she decided I'm not going to expect this man To be the grandfather that I see on TV. Right, and having let go of those expectations, she was able to have fun. These dopey questions, right. But it was even at the age of 10.

Speaker 1: 50:32

Okay, I'm not going to compete with.

Speaker 2: 50:36

Yolanda's grandchildren.

Speaker 1: 50:38

Yeah, she was emotionally intelligent, I mean absolutely Exactly right.

Speaker 2: 50:44

And she and my father let me say my father Christmas, you know, was very good in giving gifts. He gave a gift and you know money. So she knew that she was going to rack it up. That's a reasonable. She knew she was going to walk away with her money. She knew what her prizes were. She was going to walk away with the bonus round with the money. She was going to walk away with a gift that my brother said to my father this is what she wants, buy it. So she was fine in terms of the prize count. So I love it.

Speaker 3: 51:19

I love it, right, like just again thinking about those conditions and how, in this case, like I said, we, how we empower the young people, right, well, and ironically, this became a tradition, the tradition of asking Grandpa, Joe and Yolanda the weird questions on Christmas.

Speaker 2: 51:38

Can you outweard last year's creature? And you see, the thing is, I mean they were, they weren't, let me say they didn't have to mention my father and Yolanda. They weren't an adult, they were just narcissistic, yeah.

Speaker 3: 51:53

Yeah, I love it. Oh my gosh, that's fantastic. Oh my gosh, that's so fantastic. So you know, when Jane's girls show up here next Thursday and start asking shit like wouldn't it be great if snow was a different color, I'll know she prepped them.

Speaker 1: 52:10

Here's the truth of it is JP. They love their Aunt Janice. They are so glad her daughter took a 23 and me test and found out that we are sisters because we get to go to Aunt Janice's house and they get their own little space while mom sleeps downstairs and dies from the cats. It's true, I have to. I'm making the choice to go to her house and sleep on the back patio because that's the only place I can sleep with hey well.

Speaker 3: 52:34

I'm putting up lights for you, though it's going to be much brighter out there. You don't have to worry about sleeping in the dark. It's going to be lights. It's good. It's good Outside, outside, yeah, just for you. Hey, I did vacuum all the sofas really deeply today. I'm working on the allergy thing, man. Okay, I'm trying to keep the cat down here.

Speaker 1: 52:52

It was so bad when we were there last time.

Speaker 3: 52:53

Eva. God, she's such a demon.

Speaker 1: 52:55

No, I was like my throat was closing up and I was wheezing really bad.

Speaker 3: 52:59

My throat was I used to think I opened her throat up. I was bad during the to open her throat. It was incredible.

Speaker 1: 53:10

That's such a lie.

Speaker 2: 53:12

That's not bad. I did have to clean up.

Speaker 1: 53:19

This is the shit I'm going to go deal with. I'm making that.

Speaker 3: 53:23

Okay, but in all seriousness I adore them and they're wonderful. However, there will be other adults there. I cannot promise they're not going to get, so how? Old are you? Oh yeah, what grade is that mean you're in? Oh yeah, what's your favorite class? They're going to get all that bullshit, and so that's how that goes.

Speaker 1: 53:37

Yeah, well, that's just going to be on Thanksgiving, so that's just the beginning. The rest of it will be all good, yeah, friday, saturday, we'll be fine, so, and they're expecting to stay until then. They're like, oh, genevieve was like how long are we staying? I was like like three days. She's like, okay, oh my Jesus, well, I love it. How do we want to wrap this up?

Speaker 3: 54:00

I think look we've done. We've done a lot for these people. Okay, I feel like we've given them I'm going to call it three big ideas we added in the parenting piece in terms of helping support them with their younger people. I mean, I don't think we have more to give. For God's sake, it's a season of giving, but really I don't think we have more to give.

Speaker 1: 54:18

Well, here I'm just going to point out something real quick. As the angel sister, younger sister, you just called our listeners, these people, and I don't know if they like that. Our listeners will love all of this.

Speaker 3: 54:35

Our listeners will love all this, but they're these people until they start freaking, emailing us like we best. Oh my God.

Speaker 1: 54:42

So this is a fireside chat, so you want me to call you out by name.

Speaker 3: 54:47

Okay.

Speaker 2: 54:48

I would then add my own little tidbit here. You asked earlier, janice, for your listeners to respond in the chat box. Well, okay, so now I want to add my own, and it's like folks, you who have gotten stayed with us until this moment in time love to know do you think snow? Do you think the world would look smaller if snow were a different color?

Speaker 3: 55:21

Yep, I want to know, I want to know the first person to answer that question in the comments. Get a Starbucks gift card Very first person, Because you know what we're incredibly generous and we have a huge budget. So $5 Starbucks gift card coming your way, baby $5.

Speaker 2: 55:39

Okay, the question is do you think the world would look smaller if snow were a different color?

Speaker 3: 55:45

All right, that's it, we're wrapping it. That's it, that's it, everybody do it Listen, hold on. We are. You'll hear from us one more time before Christmas, but now you have almost three and a half weeks between the airing of this episode and Christmas to figure your shit out around the holidays, and we've given you all the tools to do that. So share, like, subscribe, do all the things, make sure you go see us on YouTube. Chains, hair looks fantastic and JP I mean, come on, you got to see him in real time.

Speaker 2: 56:14

He's a dapper every time, but listen we love you guys.

Speaker 3: 56:17

Thank you for being here. Peace out, man. Bye.