The Savvy Communicator
Navigating the Dance: Effective Communication Strategies for Connecting with Teens—with Emily Powell
Ever wondered why communicating with teenagers can feel like walking on eggshells? Join us as we sit down with Emily Powell, a therapist specializing in teen and young adult care, to uncover the unique challenges and rewards that come with talking to teens. We talk plainly about the things that make adolescents prone to volatility and hostility, and why adults often feel intimidated by their pursuit of autonomy and independence.
In our enlightening conversation, Emily shares her personal journey that led her to become a therapist, and how she cultivates a warm and open environment in her sessions. We also discuss the power dynamics between a therapist and client, and explore ways to create a comfortable and safe therapeutic space. With insights from Emily's background as a ballet dancer, you'll walk away with a deeper understanding of how to communicate effectively with the teens in your life and a newfound appreciation for the world of therapy for young people. Don't forget to learn more about Emily at http://www.emilypowellcounselingservices.com
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
Ever wondered why communicating with teenagers can feel like walking on eggshells? Join us as we sit down with Emily Powell, a therapist specializing in teen and young adult care, to uncover the unique challenges and rewards that come with talking to teens. We talk plainly about the things that make adolescents prone to volatility and hostility, and why adults often feel intimidated by their pursuit of autonomy and independence.
In our enlightening conversation, Emily shares her personal journey that led her to become a therapist, and how she cultivates a warm and open environment in her sessions. We also discuss the power dynamics between a therapist and client, and explore ways to create a comfortable and safe therapeutic space. With insights from Emily's background as a ballet dancer, you'll walk away with a deeper understanding of how to communicate effectively with the teens in your life and a newfound appreciation for the world of therapy for young people. Don't forget to learn more about Emily at http://www.emilypowellcounselingservices.com
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
Hi and welcome to the Savvy Communicator podcast. I'm your host, amy Flanagan. Today's question reaches a lot of us right in our living rooms How do you talk to your teen? My guest expert today is Emily Powell, a therapist focusing on teen and young adult care. Emily, thank you so much for being here.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited for our conversation.
Speaker 1:Thank you. Yeah, I am too, So I'm just gonna plunge into it and just ask you. you know, a lot of people say that teens are the hardest people to communicate with. Is that?
Speaker 2:something you agree with? Not. It's a hard question because I can see why they might be difficult to communicate with. Developmentally they are in a very unique phase of life And with that comes kind of difficult and sometimes hot style communication. At the same time I love working with them because I love the way that they're thinking. at that time They have a lot of abstract knowledge but at the same time they think in terms of black and whites.
Speaker 2:you know, like I hate you mom or I love you mom very kind of back and forth And that can be, like I said, volatile and hostile at time, but I love being able to work with them and kind of see how they're thinking and walk in their shoes a little bit.
Speaker 1:Why do you think we as adults just feel so intimidated? You know you talked a little bit about how they're thinking and the fact that it can be very changeable from time to time, but I know from my own experience. I have nephews that are growing up to be teenagers and all of a sudden I'm just second guessing myself all the time.
Speaker 1:I don't want them to think that I'm weird, i don't want them to think that I'm not listening to them or that I don't care about them. but all of a sudden I feel like you know, you can give a five-year-old a hug and say I love you very much, and it doesn't work with a 15-year-old necessarily.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's such a good point. At that stage, developmentally, teens are really searching for autonomy and independence And at the same time they're still living with a lot of confines of you know maybe what their caregivers are wanting and needing from them.
Speaker 2:They're not officially adults where they can legally have independence yet, but again, developmentally they really want to feel empowered to make their own decisions. So a lot of times when they're constricted by school and after-school activities and all the things that they need to do in their house with their parents and everything, i feel like they are lacking some of that independence that they so desperately want. So that's kind of a lot of the times where some of that hostility comes in. They're trying to assert themselves that they don't want to be seen as a child anymore and they want some freedom. But there are rules with being a teenager and they're still living in their parent home and all of that. Yeah, they're. With what you said in terms of like you know that you can give your five-year-old nephew a hug, but not so much your 15-year-old nephew, i think of the perfect example in showing some of that independence that your nephew oh, 15 years old is probably wanting right now.
Speaker 1:Okay, well, that's good to know. Did you always know that she wanted to work with teens and young adults?
Speaker 2:No, not necessarily. I've always wanted to be a therapist. I was lucky in the sense that I really liked my psychology class in high school and it was very interesting to me to kind of understand a little bit more about how humans relate to one another and relate to themselves. So I did know that I wanted to be a therapist from kind of a young age. I also notoriously maybe oversensitive some people might call me, my family members call me very sensitive and so what did I decide to do with that sensitivity? I turned it into my profession because, you know, being a therapist is so much about empathy and sensitivity and relating to folks. So I knew I wanted to be a therapist. But in terms of the population that I wanted to work with, that's been grown as I've gotten more clinical experience and have had the ability to work with some really amazing teens and young people in their healing journey. So that's just been further solidified through my clinical experience.
Speaker 1:So that's fantastic, because I think a lot of people and I think teenagers certainly feel this is that a lot of adults Just want to run in the other direction. You know they don't, they don't want to take them on necessarily. So the fact that you go in and embrace that and embrace who you are to bring it to them, i think it's just wonderful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, i definitely hear what you're saying in terms of them moving Against and away from teen, that a lot of our society and parents, kind of like you said, tend to get nervous around those teenage years.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so I was looking at your website and one of the things I think you really take great strides to communicate Is a sense of comfort, a sense of feeling that you can come in and Speak and that you know you're there to listen. You Emphasize that a lot. Do you get a lot of traffic from your website?
Speaker 2:Most, mostly from my website and from my social media. Yeah, i try to convey that sense of warmth and openness and Therapy, supposed to be a space that people feel like they can share some of their most vulnerable thoughts and emotions, without that judgment that they might be receiving from a friend or a family member. So, yeah, i'm glad that that kind of was able to come through a website.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so in theory you might get a Client from Instagram then yeah, that might be. You know how they get communication.
Speaker 1:I'm Gen X right you know, i still remember the phone book right, and So it's really interesting to me to be like no, this is how it's done. Somebody might find you on Instagram first before they find your website, before they find your phone number. Yeah, and I think that's really cool that you have that, and very savvy, yeah as well. Yeah, so Did you decide that therapy was for you when you were in your high school psychology class? Did it take a little while longer? I?
Speaker 2:Think I'm trying to remember it definitely sparked my interest in in my high school Psychology class, but I don't think I knew how to turn it into like a career path. And then in College I majored in Psychology and I admired in sociology, gender and sexuality studies and Public health, so the kind of like intersection of all of those allowed me to see like a really Clear path to becoming a therapist. I love talking to people, i love communicating with people and I love hopefully making communication more accessible for folks too. Like a lot of the work we do in therapy is rooted in relationships and is rooted in communication. Yeah, i think that's kind of when I solidified it was probably during college, studying a wide array like Human interaction actually, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
Speaker 1:Has there ever been a time when you have felt that You weren't sure what to say, whether that's in, with a client, or out? a lot of people freeze during that moment, and one of the things that I'm hoping to do with this podcast is to teach people Techniques for getting over that hump, you know, recognizing that it's there And that it's okay to be there and working through it. So has there ever been a time that you've experienced where you just, you know, weren't sure what to say?
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely All the time to me.
Speaker 2:You know people are coming to me with really vulnerable stories and emotions and They're at a point oftentimes where they're unsure of kind of who to turn to you or how to go glide that, and sometimes it takes me a minute to Listen and truly Hear what they're saying before I jump to and communicating or vocalizing something, um, i think that's a really crucial part of therapy in general is Just pausing. There's a lot of silence in there. We're both people in the room are Kind of metabolizing what's being said and what's being felt, um, and and that silence is welcomed and actually encouraged a lot of times to, with some of that discomfort, sit with those Fat or heavy feelings, because a lot of time, like you said, we either freeze or we try to kind of like chew it away altogether, so Kind of like jump into saying something that maybe we don't, we haven't fully articulated in our thought process yet, and then it comes out in a way that we don't really need it to. So that pause and silence is a helpful tool for me as a therapist to.
Speaker 2:With that discomfort before I move into vocalizing anything.
Speaker 1:So it's really learning to be comfortable with silence and Not being afraid to to take that time And sort of get through it is what I'm saying. Would that be correct?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and another thing I might add to this too is just working with keys And really working with people in general and theme. Just from my own experiences of therapists, what I see happening is that when people reach out in a time of need, maybe they're really struggling with a situation, maybe they're struggling generally with their mental health. When they reach out to another person, that person tends to want to immediately fix the issue. So let's say, just for a team, let's just give an example. Let's say that team comes back from school and they've had a terrible day and maybe they have a lot of social stuff going on and maybe kids are being mean to them or maybe they're struggling academically. Whatever, they come back from school and they say to their parent I hate school, i never want to go back to school like I hate all these kids at school.
Speaker 2:A lot of times as a parent, they might say, oh my gosh, i have to go talk to your principal, we can't keep doing this.
Speaker 2:Or oh my gosh, we're going to get you a tutor, you're failing this math class.
Speaker 2:They jump the solution because they want to ameliorate the issue and they don't want to see their team in pain anymore. Right, they're talking to the teams in therapy, what I'm realizing is that the team just wants to feel hurt, and that's why they come to them, right. They just want a parent or a therapist to say, oh my gosh, that's so tough. I can see why you would feel so defeated right now or so frustrated, and that feels a lot more comforting than those solutions or those quick statements of like, oh, i'm going to go beat up the kids, we're making fun of you, or you know what I mean. So really, we want the goal to be feeling heard, feeling validated, instead of trying to create solutions or jump to problem solving. I think that can be kind of like a key takeaway in terms of how to communicate with fans when they are so worked up, and so maybe making like a dramatic scene out of something that an adult could see is just a small issue, you know.
Speaker 1:Embrace the silence is first thing that you mentioned. And then for the second thing, it's don't immediately try to fix the problem, just listen and validate. This funny story came to mind where the singer Pink. She has a young daughter and I think she was around six years old when this happened. But she said that her daughter came home from school and was crying because somebody had been mean to them and that her immediate thing was to pack up the kid in the car go and she stopped herself and she was like, well, i can't beat up a six year old, so I'm not sure what to do. And then she was able to sort of step back and think about the goal that she wanted, and it turned out that the goal was just that she wanted to be heard and the next day they were best friends. And I'm not saying that happens with teens, because it's so much more difficult, as I'm sure you know. But yeah, that story just popped into my mind.
Speaker 2:And another thing that hearing that story made me think of like another little kid is going back to that idea of like the freedom and autonomy that teens want. It can be really amazingly affecting for a parent or, you know, an adult figure in this teen's life to ask seeing, what do you need right now? How can I best support you? And by asking the teen that question, the power and autonomy is in their hands. They feel empowered to say you know, i think I just need like, can I have a hug? which would be really nice if our teens like ask that it might not be that, like it might be more, like I just need time alone or like I need to go to my room and isolate or whatever. But just asking the teen what is it that you're needing right now can feel really empowering and it can feel like the parent is really listening to what the teen is feeling and needing.
Speaker 1:Okay, so don't follow your instincts. basically is what we're thinking is might be the advice that you're talking about. Right And I think you know that silence, yeah, and that silence, and that pause can be helpful in not jumping to these like kind of natural instincts that we might hop on Sure, sure. That's great, those are great tips.
Speaker 2:So, also.
Speaker 1:I'm looking at your website and it was that you have a really artistic side. You do ballet, you travel, lots of stuff like that. Are you a ballet dancer or are you just a big fan?
Speaker 2:So I used to be all through my like high school into college year I was a ballet dancer Pretty intensely. But as I moved further into college and kind of sought out different passions and hobbies, i stopped dancing. I also had some injuries, so that didn't help.
Speaker 1:But I do love.
Speaker 2:I love ballet and I hope to start taking more like adult classes, just because it was such a passion of mine, kind of learning how to reintegrate my previous creative passions into my adult life and my career.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Now I really understand that. I was an actor for many years and definitely completely dedicated to college and the time after and then I went to grad school for it And it's amazing what kind of happens organically that can get you off that path. But at the same time I find that I use acting techniques pretty much every day in the work that I do. And do you feel the same way I do?
Speaker 2:think so. I think it taught me so much about who I am and how I am as a person too That I do feel like I carry a lot of it with me, both for the good and bad, because ballet is intense and it's very strict and perfectionistic. So I think I'm learning on kind of letting go some of those tendencies too, but I do find myself referencing ballet in my experience as a dancer a lot.
Speaker 1:That's fantastic. I think that's really great to still keep that part of you nearby and just see how it informs everything that you do. So, like we talked about your website, you really go to an effort to make sure that people feel comfortable just reading about you or just watching a video about you. Does that extend to when they come to meet you? What kind of steps do you take to ensure that that comfort goes beyond into meeting you, into the environment?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's such a great question. So I hear a relational framework to ground my therapeutic work. So what that means is looking at the relationship between the client and the therapist as the catalyst for healing and as the catalyst for growth. So I try and extend that framework into everything I do, between the way I set up my therapy office or some of the things that I say within our first session. So, for example, throughout our work in therapy, i will often check in, asking questions like, how do you feel about our relationship right now?
Speaker 2:Like, do you feel like, is there any way that I can support you further Or is there anything that I'm doing or saying that you would prefer to change? I also might think about if the therapy concession is in person. I might think about how the distance between our seats feel. Does there feel like there's a really big power dynamic, Like if you think of like a very Freudian therapy room, like there would be a big red chair and the therapist would get to sit in that chair and the client might be sitting on the couch. After laying on the couch in old times, which we don't do anymore, I try to even think like for my teen clients, sometimes I'll do things like where you sit in my therapy chair, you know if it's like a bigger, cozier chair. I try to really level the power dynamic, because what's often not talked about is the already existing power dynamic between a therapist and client.
Speaker 2:So, you know, a client is in a vulnerable moment and they go to seek out this expert or this professional in mental health And sometimes even with that there's like a lack of understanding that, like your therapist is also a human with like many imperfections and things that they're working on too. So I try to bring in as much common humanity and like as much of my personality as I can for the clients to realize okay, like she's not just like all knowing, like God's figure, like she's a human right. Yeah, i constantly check in with the clients in terms of how they're feeling about the physical distance between us how they're feeling in the therapeutic space.
Speaker 2:If there's anything that I could do to make them feel a little bit more comfortable, even if it's, you know, opening the shades or closing the shade like I don't know anything like that I try to just bring a certain level of comfortability into this space so that they can feel like my. The word that I love most is empowerment. I want my clients to feel empowered when they're with me. Often times they're coming in with life experiences that have left them feeling chronically disempowered, right, whether it's some form of trauma and abuse, which is, of course, disempowering, or maybe just the way that they've been raised or parental wounds throughout their life. So I really try to empower them to feel safe within the therapeutic space, knowing that that safety and trust takes time to build, especially with folks who have endured trauma Of course.
Speaker 1:So really you face those things head on.
Speaker 2:I think a lot of times.
Speaker 1:Our instinct is to not do that, and sort of hope it works out, hope that that will come over time and they'll realize whether it's a relationship at work, a relationship with a friend or somebody that you're dating or hoping to date.
Speaker 1:A lot of times we just, i think kind of, you know, close our eyes and grit our teeth and be like, hopefully that'll come, but you're like said, facing that and you're doing things. Something as simple as saying, do you want the shades open or closed, gives some of that autonomy, some of that empowerment over, and that sounds like a tip that we could all adopt. And I think that too, as somebody who's worked in communications for a long time now that it's always once you hit it head on, it becomes easier, Even if you think this is a huge deal. I'm about to tell this person that I'd like to go on a date with them. I'm about to tell this person that I need to set a boundary at work. Maybe and I don't have to do it, maybe they'll just figure it out by other things that I say or other things that I do. Yeah, hearing that you just sort of face that and kind of charge through it is a really good tip, i think.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and what you're saying is like, oftentimes with like anxiety around specific things we have to do, we want to avoid it because that temporarily alleviates the anxiety, right. But then we get into this like anxiety, like avoidance cycle, and the anxiety just increases and increases and increases. As we all know, when we procrastinate having hard conversations, that conversation just takes up more space in our head and we think about it more, get more frustrated. So leaning into that discomfort and addressing it head on it can be really beneficial, but hard, Like I'm not trying to globs over, but No, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:No, definitely It is hard, but I think, like anything else, and tell me what you think. I think you know, like learning how to do anything else, the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more comfortable that you feel. That doesn't mean that the first time is going to feel easy and comfortable, but that it's something that can be practiced. Yeah, and it's something that should be practiced Totally. What do you think?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I agree. I think, in terms of like communication in general, I think there's a lot of fear fear of judgment, fear of the way that I'm going to react to our communication, especially when we're communicating and need, because that makes us feel really vulnerable and like open to rejection.
Speaker 2:But I think that we can practice it and we do practice it in therapy a lot. We'll do things like that we call like role play of. Like pretend that your mom is sitting in that chair across from you How are you going to say what you need to say, how are you going to assert your needs And how might your mom react? You know So, almost like with your history of theater and performance, like we can bring in some what we call psycho drama into the room and rehearse these behaviors and these conversations that might be triggering, and then we process it after. What came up for you when you were practicing that What types of doubt might have you had And how did your body respond? Did you feel your heart beating? Like how might you address that when you had the actual conversation? So there's a lot we can do in terms of practicing communication within the therapy that speaks.
Speaker 1:That's fantastic. It's wonderful to know that those are all tools going on, because I would imagine that with every, since every client is different, the tools that are needed are different.
Speaker 2:Yeah, absolutely Yeah.
Speaker 1:We're going to take a quick break. My guest is Emily Powell, therapist working with teens and young adults. You're listening to the Savvy Communicator podcast. Find us on Instagram at Savvy Communicator. All one word, We'll be right back. Welcome back to the Savvy Communicator. We're here with Emily Powell and Emily. I want to just ask you the big question What can we do as adults to give teens and younger adults the communication that they really deserve? Because lots of things and lots of techniques have come and gone and they're still feeling that they need things we're not giving them Right. So what would you advise?
Speaker 2:I think that there's real power in trying to connect with your team And a lot of times, kind of like what we talked about throughout this podcast so far, is a lot of times there's this urgency to like run from teams because we don't know how they're going to react, necessarily, but our underlying goal is connection. We can hopefully begin to really hear and listen to teams and validate their experience. Even if they feel silly or dramatic to us as a doll, it's real for them And their worlds do feel very influenced by maybe these quote unquote like minor things that might be happening at school or major things obviously. But we want to see the team seriously and really validate their pain and their happiness and their experience. So I want to get a little bit of an anecdote to kind of paint a picture maybe for some of the parents or people who have to visit their life. So no, please, yes.
Speaker 2:So what I see a lot of times with mental health in general is this feeling of needing to turn inward based on a lack of proper communication. That happens kind of throughout the person. So, just by way of example, i want you to think about a five year old kid. So this five year old is really vulnerable and little and still kind of a toddler growing up into a kid. And let's say that there's a big thunderstorm, kind of like child runs into their parents room. Let's say it's like late at night the child is freaking out. They're like, yeah, it's really loud, there's going to be something going to fall in the house.
Speaker 1:They're really worried about this thunder. They're not used to it.
Speaker 2:And there's kind of two ways that a parent could respond. The parent might be working, they're busy, maybe they're making themselves dinner, maybe they're dealing with other kids, a ton of other things, right? And they might look at the kid and be like it's Lee, go back to bed, you're being ridiculous. It's the weather, like calm down, right, and in that moment the kid learns okay, i'm kind of crazy for being scared and I'm going to go back in bed And next time the tap, and I'm certainly not going to run to mom and dad's room, right?
Speaker 2:The other response would be for the parent to say my gosh, yeah, it really is scary, and why don't we come play with you? Or would it feel good if I scratched your back? Or maybe we could read another story. So the second option is much harder because it takes more time and emotional energy for the parent or caregiver. Or it's the option that kind of leaves the kid feeling heard and valued and like their needs and their fears are important. So fast forward to, let's say, 10 more years of this behavior pattern from the parents, right? So maybe the parents are super busy, maybe they're dealing with their own stuff, maybe they're dealing with their own relationship.
Speaker 1:You know, now.
Speaker 2:But with years and years of accumulation of maybe being turned down or their feelings and needs being unimportant, the team begins to turn inwards and they want to ice-leap more. That's when we see behaviors like cell harm starting. That's when we see like restricting or having disordered relationships with food coming in. That's when we see maybe turning to like drugs or alcohol or just feeling generally anxious, depressed, isolated. So with that example what I'm trying to show is that, yes, it takes time and energy And a lot of times maybe as a parent you don't have that time and energy, so it's not easy. But what we really want to do is make sure that the kid knows that their feelings and their experiences are real and valid And we hear them and we're willing to kind of sit with them and witness that pain and fear. So that's kind of like my go-to example of demonstrating the power of connection and the importance of really listening when your kid comes to you, because if you don't, your kid is going to stop coming to you altogether.
Speaker 1:Yeah Well, that's an excellent, excellent analogy. I really appreciate that Sounds good. Let's close with a basic question What's your favorite ballet?
Speaker 2:Oh gosh, probably Sleeping Beauty. It's such a good one Trying to think I also I mean the Nutcrackers it's like amazing, because as many times as I performed in the Nutcracker, like the songs and the energy in that show just like make me so happy and bring back so many different memories. So, yeah, i would say those two.
Speaker 1:That's great, that's great You got to perform with the Nutcracker.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the good old days.
Speaker 1:So, emily, thank you so much for being here today.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much for having me. It was so nice to chat.
Speaker 1:It was very nice to chat. I appreciate it. So thank you to our audience. Go to wwwsavvycommunicatorcom It's all one word And become part of the conversation itself. Do you have questions from this episode? We'd like to hear them. Go to our forum. All the links will be in the show notes and we'll see you next time. Thanks,