The Savvy Communicator
The Journey of Nonviolent Communication with Ali Miller
Embark on a journey to the heart of empathic conflict resolution with Ali Miller, a renowned nonviolent communication coach who's here to transform the way we perceive and navigate disputes. Imagine a world where communication is not a battlefield but a bridge towards understanding and connection—a paradigm shift from confrontation to compassion. In our enlightening conversation, we uncover the art of balancing personal needs with the needs of others and the transformative power this balance can unleash in every interaction, from the home front to global conflicts.
Learm how Ali became an NVC expert, as she guides us through role-play scenarios that bring the subtleties of this technique to life. We tackle everything from the seemingly small domestic disagreements, to the vast complexities of international relations. By learning how to listen empathically and articulate our needs, we can turn conflict into opportunities for deeper connection, creating space for healing and growth in both our private lives and the broader world stage.
Wrapping up our session with Ali, we leave you with practical tools for revolutionizing your relationships. Whether you're navigating the challenges of codependency, striving for interdependence, or simply looking to improve your communication skills, this episode is an invitation to explore the profound impact that nonviolent communication can have on your life, relationships, and the world.
Reach out to Ali at www.alimillercoaching.com. You can sign up for her 15-minute exploratory call at https://calendly.com/alimillercoaching/15-minute-discovery-call-with-ali-miller?month=2024-02&kuid=3c2bd360-f121-4ae9-9d75-d977d1b6bb29&kref=MlFBhGAXJgdT
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
Embark on a journey to the heart of empathic conflict resolution with Ali Miller, a renowned nonviolent communication coach who's here to transform the way we perceive and navigate disputes. Imagine a world where communication is not a battlefield but a bridge towards understanding and connection—a paradigm shift from confrontation to compassion. In our enlightening conversation, we uncover the art of balancing personal needs with the needs of others and the transformative power this balance can unleash in every interaction, from the home front to global conflicts.
Learm how Ali became an NVC expert, as she guides us through role-play scenarios that bring the subtleties of this technique to life. We tackle everything from the seemingly small domestic disagreements, to the vast complexities of international relations. By learning how to listen empathically and articulate our needs, we can turn conflict into opportunities for deeper connection, creating space for healing and growth in both our private lives and the broader world stage.
Wrapping up our session with Ali, we leave you with practical tools for revolutionizing your relationships. Whether you're navigating the challenges of codependency, striving for interdependence, or simply looking to improve your communication skills, this episode is an invitation to explore the profound impact that nonviolent communication can have on your life, relationships, and the world.
Reach out to Ali at www.alimillercoaching.com. You can sign up for her 15-minute exploratory call at https://calendly.com/alimillercoaching/15-minute-discovery-call-with-ali-miller?month=2024-02&kuid=3c2bd360-f121-4ae9-9d75-d977d1b6bb29&kref=MlFBhGAXJgdT
This is a show where ideas come together. The guest statements expressed on The Savvy Communicator Podcast are their own and not necessarily the views of The Savvy Communicator.
Thanks for joining us! Become part of the conversation at www.savvycommunicator.com, and follow me on social media: my handle is @savvycommunicator.
Welcome back to the Savvy Communicator podcast. I'm your host, amy Flanagan. It's our first episode of season two and we're going to be talking about nonviolent communication. Our expert guest, allie Miller, of Allie Miller Coaching, is going to tell us all about it.
Speaker 2:Allie, welcome to the show. Thank you so much, Amy. Happy to be here.
Speaker 1:I'm really glad to have you here, because when I saw your background and what you do for living in your coaching, I got really excited because I'd never heard of it before. So you deal with nonviolent communication as your specialty, and please tell me a little bit about what that's all about.
Speaker 2:Sure. So nonviolent communication nonviolent is one word. It was developed actually in the 1960 by Marshall Rosenberg, who was a psychologist, and then he left the field of psychology and focused on mediation and peacekeeping throughout the world and sharing nonviolent communication. He was really inspired by Gandhi and Martin Luther King Jr and their movements for social change through nonviolence nonviolent social change.
Speaker 2:Sometimes nonviolent communication is referred to as compassionate communication. That kind of gets at what it's about, like increasing our compassion for ourselves and increasing our compassion for others. Another term that some people use is empowered communication or empathic communication, connected communication.
Speaker 2:I've been calling it heart-centered communication and I call it that because what I think it really helps us do is get out of our heads and into our heart to recognize what our thoughts are telling us and not necessarily center our thoughts, so not necessarily centering our analysis of other people or assessments of other people or judgments of other people, but instead centering our feelings and our needs. So it's an approach that has a lot of application. It's been used for huge conflicts between warring countries and warring tribes. It's been taught and used in governments and organizations and schools and prisons, and it's used a lot with family conflict and couple conflict. That's what I mostly do, and it can also even be used with internal conflict. So it's a communication method, it's a conflict resolution method that really centers the human heart and it's a process that helps us shift out of seeing others as the enemy when we're in conflict with them and actually seeing our shared humanity.
Speaker 1:Wow, I had no idea. So it's really been used in governments and other cultural groups and things like that.
Speaker 2:Yes, Really really broad reach.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That's so cool because this might be a little bit embarrassing to admit, but a lot of times if I get into conflict with somebody, my first instinct is to kind of fight about it. Of course, and to see this person as somebody that's not a physical danger or any kind of real danger, but to kind of get in that headspace of oh man, I've got to really win this fight because yeah that's normal.
Speaker 2:It's so normal, it's so habitual. It's just what our brains do. It's just for a lot of us, our default mode is to fight. For others it's to withdraw or to free. You hear in trauma talk, it's like fight, fight or freeze. Yes, yeah. So not everyone fights, but a lot of us do. I'm a fighter, for sure, but I also sometimes freeze and withdraw.
Speaker 1:No.
Speaker 2:Yeah, totally normal to want to win the fight, and when I'm coaching couples, that's like the first thing. I like to point out that, like, as long as you're trying to win the fight, neither of you is going to actually win, neither of you is actually going to get what you want. But, especially with people we care about, we can't be satisfied unless the solution actually works for both of us. If you're in a conflict with your partner and you're trying to win and trying to get your way, it might be superficially satisfying if you get your way, but in the long term, if your partner is not satisfied, how satisfied are you really going to be?
Speaker 1:That's a really good point, and I think it's one that I certainly have skipped over in the past and just thought about well, I need this, I want this Right. Therefore, I'm going to do that. That's so interesting. I can't wait to delve into it more with you. I want to take a second, though, and read your bios. Allie Miller is an expert in nonviolent communication. She has been a marriage and family therapist for over 20 years. In 2021, she became certified as a clinic coach specializing in couples communication. She's also an online coach. She helps couples all over the world overcome communication challenges so they can experience more peace, passion and possibilities in their relationship. She leads both private and small group coaching programs for couples who are ready to ditch the arguing and get on with doing what they do best loving each other. That's a wonderful bio. That really gets me in line with nonviolent communication really quick, because it's like, yeah, that is what I want to do.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to love better. That's what, I think, what most of us want. We want to be in that mode of loving as much as possible, and when we're arguing it's painful, it doesn't feel good to be arguing, it doesn't feel good to be disconnected from our loved one, and a lot of us just don't know how to get out of that mode, out of that feeling fighting with drawing mode because we haven't been taught. I think that's really what it comes down to. A lot of us never learned how to do conflict, so we fight hard or we avoid and then we're not happy. I'm on a mission to share this with as many people as possible. We just need to learn it and then get support applying it and practicing it. Have you always been?
Speaker 1:on this mission. When you started to study marriage and family therapy In the beginning, were you very interested in nonviolent communication, or did it come to you after a while of study?
Speaker 2:I started grad school to be a therapist in 2000, and I didn't discover nonviolent communication until six years later, 2006. What drew me to become a therapist was actually it's aligned. It was like this longing to help people connect to their authentic selves. Like I became a therapist really young. I was like 22 when I started grad school and I was in the midst of like this really deep kind of personal growth, like spiritual searching process, and just had this really strong drive to be my authentic self. That's the language that was alive for me then. Like who am I? Like what is meaningful work? Like how can I help this world be more authentic and more connected? Like that was what was driving me to go to therapy school.
Speaker 2:And then, when I discovered nonviolent communication, a friend recommended the book that Marshall Rosenberg wrote. It's called Nonviolent Communication my Language of Life. She recommended it and when I read it it was like everything kind of came together, because nonviolent communication it's for conflict resolution, but it's also about like in order to practice it, you have to tune into yourself, you have to know what you're experiencing, like not just that you're pissed off and that your partner is a jerk, but like, oh, I'm feeling vulnerable or oh, I'm feeling tender, or oh, I'm feeling agitated. You have to pay attention to yourself. So you have to start by connecting with yourself and knowing what's really going on for you.
Speaker 2:So this, you know, I was drawn to like authenticity and authentic connection with myself and others. And that's really what NBC helps us do, helps us connect authentically with ourselves and others. So it really aligned with what my original mission was. And then, once I learned it, I was like, oh, this is like, it's just so comprehensive. It's like a way to heal your relationship with yourself, a way to heal your relationship with others, a way to feel more empowered and be more assertive and ask for what you want in respectful ways, a way to listen with empathy. That really helps people feel heard. So that really turned me on when I was a new therapist, because so much of therapy is about listening deeply to clients, right.
Speaker 1:Learning.
Speaker 2:NBC helped me become such a better therapist because it helped me listen in this deeper way. Nbc is about how we think, how we speak and how we listen. Now in violent communication a lot of people will think, oh, it's just about how we talk, right, but it's really just as much about how we listen and about how we think and we're understanding and really our consciousness. So as a therapist, it was like the best training I had. Learning NBC was like the best therapy training I had because so much of it was training in listening deeply with Tobi In a way that I even been taught in grad school. It wasn't until remember, it wasn't until 2006,. Like six years, oh wow.
Speaker 1:A therapist, then Wow, that is so fascinating and, yeah, I'm just really interested in this because it's funny. I'll go back to you You're talking about it's about authenticity, and that's one of my words that I want to focus on for the next year is really being authentic and not people pleasing, trying to just be more myself, and this sounds so cool. Along those lines, let's do a little exercise if you don't mind, because I want to see what this is like in action. If we just do a little role play, would that be all right? Sure, just to see it in action, I'm really curious. Ok, so I'm Amy and I'm in your office. Very nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too.
Speaker 2:So what's bringing you in?
Speaker 1:Well, my husband and I are having, you know, we're fighting and it just seems like we're not on the same page, we're just on different wavelengths. It doesn't seem like he cares about me, and I should do a disclaimer at this point. We're not talking about my real husband, so he's wonderful. So anyway, as I'm your client, going back to that, I was like, yeah, it just feels like he doesn't care.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, so it sounds like you're longing for more care, more sense of that you're cared about, I guess.
Speaker 1:so yeah, I wanted to hear me when I talk and do things. You know, if I ask him to do that and just really you know, be there.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and you want a sense that you're heard, that what you're asking for matters and that you have the best present with you, exactly, and he just, he just doesn't do it.
Speaker 1:He just doesn't do it. You know he comes home from work and he gets on the computer and he plays games or whatever. And you know, and I'll be like we need to do this, we need to figure out what's going on this weekend. Could you please pick up your socks and put them in the hamper, or whatever? Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:So I wonder if you're feeling really frustrated because you love some support, some sense of partnership.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that. I love partnership. Yeah, that sounds that's a really good word for it. Yeah, so I'm gonna stop right now and just say it's, it's so interesting how quickly you're able to turn me around and instead of being like, well, it's about him, him, him, it's, you know, but it is what he's not doing that you're able to, you know, get me thinking about what it is I really want. Yeah, yeah, that's really cool. And you did that in under one minute.
Speaker 2:That's so cool. I'm so grateful how receptive you are to that and how you're able to describe what was happening while you were in it. Yeah, and just the technique that the empathic listening technique that I teach couples, that I learned from Marshall and NBC is listening for feelings in need. So, whatever the other person is saying, what I'm listening for is, oh, I wonder what they're feeling and oh, I wonder what their need is or what their heart is longing for. So I'm listening for.
Speaker 2:And so then, when I speak usually probably nine times out of 10, I'm making what we call an empathy gas, which is a guess about the feelings and needs that either the person said explicitly or maybe like alluded to, and I'm like, oh, this is what you're feeling, this is what you're needing. I'm like curious oh, is it this, is this what you're experiencing? Is this what's alive in your heart? Like that's. That's how I like to connect with my clients, with like what's alive in your heart, and I like to respond to what I'm hearing is alive, and have a conversation if, about if that is what is alive, rather than like analyzing or like judging the partner and we're giving advice Right, it's more for it's yeah, like listening to my client's heart, making a guess and then connecting to their heart, helping them connect more to their heart.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I felt very special, you know, during the role play, in that it was so focused on. It wasn't focused on the conflict at all, it was just very much what I needed. I hadn't, you know, as the, as the client, I certainly didn't think about that. I mean, I, amy, thought about when I'm just going to come in and be, you know, as the angry and and see how that goes. And you know, you had me calm down in.
Speaker 2:well, like I said less than a minute this, is so ringing what you just said, like because my goal I had no interest in helping you come down. I had no agenda at all other than to try to connect with your heart. But what happens in in that space of empathy is we tend to calm, like calm needs to arise, like it's regulating to have somebody meet you exactly where you are and help you identify what you're feeling. So I'm not like, oh, I'm going to try to help my clients regulate their emotions. No, I'm just like I want to help you feel her when I hope your heart feels seed. I want to connect with your heart. Really, that's all it is. Yeah, and then it has all these like side effects of like coming and regulation and more clarity about what you want. So you see how I'm really empowering, like we care.
Speaker 2:Yes, it's hard to get what we want if we're focused on what's around with our partner. True right. Very like he's this, she's that, they're this, they're that like it's. It's a disempowering place to be, but I'm not going to say to you that's a disempowering place to be. Let's focus on you, like I'm not going to write you about that. I'm going to, I'm putting my attention on your heart and I'm kind of like inviting you to do that too.
Speaker 1:Yes, yeah, it really is very different. It really is very different from anything that I've, you know, heard about or experienced, you know before, not to say other forms of therapy or whatever are bad, but it usually, yes, gets, you know, right, focused on well, this is what you should do. You should do these things as opposed to identifying what you're feeling. And, yeah, that's fascinating. So this question just popped into my mind and I wanted to ask you. So this might be an unfair question and you don't have to answer it if you don't want to. So if you could go into US Congress and sit in a room with you know, members of the opposite party, and they're listening to you and they're ready to hear what you have to say, but they're arguing with each other just terribly, you know where would you start?
Speaker 2:I definitely want to answer this and I'm just going to take a minute Absolutely Fighting, powerful question. Where would I start?
Speaker 1:And when you said it had been used in governments around the world, I got really fascinated by that.
Speaker 2:So I think where I would start is I might do a brief intro to NBC focusing on this one principle or nonviolent communication, which is that we all, that all humans share the same universal human need. These are things like a need for freedom, the need for connection, the need for meaning and purpose, the need for fun and play, the need for self expression, things like this that help us, like, feel like we're living good, happy, thriving life. The idea from NBC is that we all share the same need and we all have different strategies for meeting these needs. Right, like I might meet my need for meeting a purpose by becoming a therapist. You might meet your need for meeting a purpose by starting a podcast. Right Like save need different strategy. So I would start just with maybe like 10 minutes of talking about that and showing them the list of human needs and then I might say, okay, so think about something in plan grants, think about something in the US government or in politics or in life that really that you're working towards right in your job, and then write down I think I would invite them to do this on their own like, write down what needs you're hoping those actions you're taking or the thing you're working on will meet, and then I would invite them to share, like, what is the action you're working on or what is, you know, your strategy, what are you focused on here in Congress and what needs are you attempting to meet by doing? And then I would invite them to talk about that.
Speaker 2:And what tends to happen in groups whether it's a group of two or, you know, 100, when we talk about the needs, we see how, oh, like, I have that need too. Maybe it's not the most alive need for me right now, but I can relate to that need. And then we start to see our shared humanity. And then we see, oh, we're not really as different as we think. If we focus on the strategies, it's like that's where the war sustains and escalates, but if we drop into the needs, it's, it can be very deescalating and very connecting because we see our shared humanity. So I can ask that question before Amy and I love it and it's like my first pick at an answer. What do you think?
Speaker 1:I think that's. I think that's wonderful, if only, I mean, from a bipartisan standpoint, it sounds like something that we really need and that should think not only about your own needs but also, you know, I would imagine all of these people have constituents and to think about what they might need from that standpoint. You know, the list that she went through, you know, could really turn things around, as it sounds like it's done in, you know, other countries and with other groups. I'd love to see you do it, if only you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about, you know, with the violence happening between Israel and Hamas and all the deaths and destruction and violence, and it's so incredibly disturbing and I, you know, a part of me just keeps thinking. I wish we could like have like a team go over there, like to the people in charge, the people making decisions, and just say I'm going to give you empathy, I'm going to listen to you with empathy for 24 hours, like on both sides, right, and see how that might shift things. Like God, both sides are so, so desperately needing to be heard. That's what I see. Like everyone there is so desperately wanting to be heard, Everyone here on social media, like taking a position about it, so desperately wanting to be heard because such important needs are on the line, like the need for survival, Right, and I feel like it's so and so much trauma on both sides.
Speaker 2:The history is like so violent on both sides, so much trauma. It's like I just want everyone involved to get empathy and to be heard and to see how that might shift things. Like I just can't help wondering that all the time.
Speaker 1:You know, when you can only think about survival, you can't think about your culture developing into a place of safety, and I don't mean to minimize it by comparing it to a couple that are fighting about who's turning this to make dinner, but it seems like it might be something that you experience a lot because of people coming in and they can't see any other way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, that kind of single focus or like not a broad perspective, like real kind of attachment to a particular outcome or a particular strategy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then the work I do is to help them kind of see bigger. So there's this exercise I do with couples that you can do in any conflict it doesn't just have to be for couples, but that anytime. I call it my two hearts exercise and so anytime your partner or anyone does something you don't enjoy, there's four steps. The first is to ask yourself what am I feeling? And then ask yourself, what am I needing? And then that third step is to ask yourself what might my partner or this other person who did the thing I didn't enjoy, what might they be feeling when they did that, what might they have been feeling when they did that and what needs might they have been attempting to meet when they did that thing? What am I feeling? What am I needing? What might they have been feeling when they did it and what needs might they have been attempting to meet when they did it?
Speaker 2:And this helps me, like connect with my own experience, my own inner experience, when someone does something I don't enjoy, and to imagine what might have been going on for this other human being. Because there's this principle in non-violent communication that everything we ever do or say, like all behavior, is an attempt to meet a need, or maybe more of a need, right? So, no matter what I'm doing, I'm always consciously or unconsciously attempting to meet a need. Driven by, motivated by this attempt to meet needs and everybody is that's. That's one of the principle. No matter what my partner does, or your partner does, or Netanyahu does, or Hamasda, it's like you know, small and big, like what meet? The question and we see question is like what needs might they be attempting to meet? Right? You start to be curious, but not like let me deny my own needs and just focus on the other person's needs. It's not sure.
Speaker 2:Right, because that people can do that too, right? There's kind of two tendencies to be like my needs matter and yours don't, so I'm just going to mine. Or your needs matter and mine don't, so I'm just going to be on yours. And one of the things I love.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And the key is it's full. So the term codependent is like in a buzzword since probably 1960s to like. So with codependent tendencies, we tend to kind of minimize our own experience, like not focus so much on ourselves but really focus on the other person. And so there's like codependent them one side, and then there's like ultra independence, where it's like I'm just going to focus on me and not on other people and NVC is kind of training and like interdependent, right. So Okay, oh, your needs matter and my need. Can I hold them both? And this is so important in couple relationships. Can we both be holding our own needs and each other's needs? So it's like I'm going to sacrifice my needs for you and that's going to make me a good husband or a good wife or a good partner, right, it's not about like sacrificing my own need. It's also not about minimizing your need, right, it's this balance of like both of our needs matter.
Speaker 1:Well, that's what I felt in the role play too, and I realized we started and stopped very soon into it, so we didn't get into what my husband needed, right, but we would. Yeah, I really felt in that in those first moments oh, this is all about me and that's a relief and that feels good. Um, you know, and it made me want to commit to the process and be like, oh yeah, tell me more, because I really do. It isn't that I wanted to pick up his socks, it's that I want to feel like we're partners.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and most people in relationships have that need for partnership, like the husband and your scenario. You know your pretend husband like probably has a need for partnership too. Yes, right, yeah, so we could explore. If you want to go back to the role play, we could explore like, oh what? How would we answer those last three questions? What might he be feeling when he throws his socks on the floor? What needs might he be attempting to meet when he does that? Well, let's do that, okay.
Speaker 1:That sounds. That sounds really cool. Okay, so we're, we're back in the scenario.
Speaker 2:So sounds like yeah, it sounds like you're really longing for partnership and to be heard in the sense that you matter, yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, do you want? Does absolutely it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so do you want to get curious together about what your husband might be, what might be going on for him when he does that, like when he throws a sock on the floor?
Speaker 1:I never, you know, I never thought of it in terms of something going on for him. I thought, you know nothing's going on for him, that he's he's not thinking about anything. But I understand where you're coming from. Yeah, so yeah, let's get curious.
Speaker 2:Okay, so here's a list of feelings for ten and ending your list of feelings, and then here's a list of needs. So let's do the feelings first. Like, if you look at this list of feeling, what do you imagine he might have been feeling the other night when he put his socks, you know, and when he was lying on the couch and put the socks in the middle of the floor?
Speaker 1:I think that something about you, that he I mean he works really hard and I think when he comes home he wants to not have to worry about things. And you know, have things, have it, not matter that he puts his socks on the floor Because is it a really big deal? I mean, it's kind of a big deal to me, but I don't think he sees it that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, as you're talking, I'm wondering if maybe he's feeling like exhausted and he just wants the freedom to relax completely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think freedom is a really good word for that. Yeah, because you know, I mean I don't think anybody gets that at work because somebody else is telling you what to do. But yeah, freedom.
Speaker 2:Freedom to do what he wants to do, like for one hour a day or something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, it really, it really could be that, and but it's so frustrating because you know if he's so, I get that okay. So he's on the computer and he needs his freedom, but I also need you know if he's in the middle of a game or something. I'm not trying to interrupt him, but you know there's something that I need right at that moment and you know I feel that that needs to be respected too.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's just you know I don't want I guess I don't want to get in the way of his freedom if that's what he needs, but I feel like mine conflicts in some way, yeah, and what is the need?
Speaker 2:you think that conflicts with his need for freedom, your need for, like a partnership.
Speaker 1:Yeah. So I was going to say that's, that's exactly the word, even though I guess, even though I'm I'm getting that he, you know, needs this freedom. It makes me feel like nobody's there. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Is it like you would lump him to experience that freedom and you'd also love to have a sense that he sees and recognizes that you're there, like a sense that there's still care for you?
Speaker 1:Yes, yes that he's, that he's caring for me. You know I don't mind that he plays video games and you know he'll eventually pick up the socks, but yeah, to know that he chairs instead of just shutting off, that's. I think that's really something that I need.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I wonder if it would be so much easier to celebrate and enjoy and like support and his freedom if you had a sense that you're cared for.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I think I'm going to. You know, ask my husband to come with me next time. He's a little you know about, about therapy, but this isn't. This sounds like something I would like him to to think about, not just for me, but I don't think he knows what it is he needs either. Yeah, if that makes sense.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean most of us, don't? Most of us are walking around pretty clueless about what we need, yeah, so okay and the scenario there you really are an expert.
Speaker 1:You've got me just following your lead and it feels very comfortable and very logical and you know, I don't feel attacked at all or being told what you should do things differently. And there's all forms of therapy and that are meant to accomplish different things, but this one really feels different in a very comfortable way. I don't feel put on the spot at all.
Speaker 2:If that makes sense yeah, my goal is like to just be with my current like, to be with you like a companion, like I'm with you and I'm just trying to yeah and what's alive in you and help point you to your heart. Wow, and so just to go back. So the next step would be, like it's you did bring a man, or even if you didn't, to focus on, okay, how do we meet his need for freedom? If we would check it out with him first, is that what you're needing when you're playing video games and jumping your socks and ignore it Right, like, is it a need for freedom? If he says yeah, so you're like, okay, great, like I could totally celebrate and support your need for freedom no-transcript If I had a sense that my need for care was being how could we address your need for freedom and my need for care so that we can really both have a sense that we met better needs?
Speaker 2:So that would be the question Once you have a sense that you both hear and understand what's at the heart of it, what the core needs are, and you feel like, okay, my partner gets what's important to me here and they care about me and my need, yeah, and vice versa. Then it's like, okay, maybe we could brainstorm a little or problem solve and this more heart center play Like oh yeah this is about your need for freedom, my need for care.
Speaker 2:What would, what would, what strategies would address your need for freedom and my need for care? Could it be before you go to sit down to play video games, you check in with me to see what kind of help I need to see? Or?
Speaker 2:when you just start bringing freely and happens is once you're connected heart to heart, like connected to the need, then, like all these creative possibilities tend to yeah, and that's why in my bio a said like more peace, passion and possibilities, because NBC helps us get to that like creative solution. Nbc helps, yeah, those creative solutions because we they're kind of hitting in our heart and if we're just staying in our heads and just trying to problem solve rationally we get stuck and so you're stuck in a conflict. The last place you probably want to look is in your feelings and needs, but that's where the conflict tends to get on stuff. It's like we can get into the heart and get connected heart to heart. The conflict tends to open. The solutions tend to arise on their own. Yes, it's really like magic.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I really felt that as we were going forward, because all of a sudden things felt reachable, yeah, and they felt kind of concrete, yeah, it's just like, oh, I just need to, you know, ask for this, yeah, and then if I get that, I don't really care if the socks are on the floor, you know, because I'm being taken care of yeah. And you know, that's just, it's fascinating, it's fascinating.
Speaker 2:I just want to say one more thing about this your husband's sad Sure. So it's like you were, like the socks are going to bug you if they represent oh, he doesn't care about me, but if it's like all these other ways you're feeling cared for, are we showing his care? Then the socks don't mean that anymore.
Speaker 2:So then, they're not a trigger, right? So it's like, yeah, the socks on the floor. I'm telling myself, like what are my interpretations of the sock? My need for care isn't mad or it's not met enough, Then my interpretation is going to be he doesn't care. If my need for care is really fulfilled, then my interpretation of the socks might be oh, he's exhausted and he's wanting freedom because he's told what to do eight hours a day, right? So your interpretation shifts based on whether your needs are matter.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:I absolutely see that in that, all of a sudden yeah, the socks don't represent, you know, a huge issue of me not being cared for, because maybe I was cared for when he walked in the door or I know that I'm going to get that feeling, you know, later on when we talk, before we go to bed or anything like that. Yeah.
Speaker 2:So Great.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's just really cool. Yeah, allie, you have an offer for our guests on the podcast today, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I work with couples privately and in small groups. My small group coaching program will probably launch sometime, probably in the second half of 2024. So right now what I'm offering is private coaching with couples and what it includes is a workshop that where I teach I call it hearing each other's heart and I teach the essentials of nonviolent communication, the essential skills and principle. So by the end of this workshop, couples have this shared understanding of how to use NVC, what it is, and then I support couples in applying what they learned in the workshop through private coaching.
Speaker 2:So what I invite listeners to do if you want to learn more about it, see if it's a good fit is to book a call with me. I offer free 15 minute calls where we can really like hone in and laser focus way on what the challenges are in your particular relationship and I'll give you a three step plan for what is going to help your relationship now and then we'll talk about my private coaching program and see if it's a good fit. So people can book that free call with me. It's Callan Lee C-A-L-E-N-D-L-Y dot com. Slash Allie Miller Cochie.
Speaker 1:Okay, we'll have that in the show notes for everybody so that they can check there too. And, hallie, I just want to say this has been a fabulous time for me. I'm certainly taking away new learning that I want to apply, and I just want to thank you for coming on the show and sharing so much expertise with us today. Thank you.
Speaker 2:Amy, it was such a pleasure. I really love talking about this stuff with people who are interested in it. It's like every time I have a conversation about it, new passions get opened up in my part and new ideas come, and it's like I see it in a new way and I get excited about it in a new way. And I've been doing this for like 17 years and I still like, every time I talk about it with somebody who is interested, to get more and more excited. So it was such a pleasure. I know what you mean. Such a pleasure to be with you about this, yeah, so thank you so much.
Speaker 1:You can find out more about Allie and her work at her website it's A-L-I-M-I-L-L-E-R-C-O-A-C-H-I-N-G dot com, and I highly recommend that you book a 15 minute call with her it will really change your perspective on things and it's very enjoyable too and that you can find at Callendly dot com. Slash Allie Miller coaching. Allie, can't thank you enough for being here today.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much, amy, I really appreciate it.
Speaker 1:And thank you to our audience for being here today. If you liked what you heard, please leave us a rating and a review on your podcast software. We'll see you next time.