S2 - EP8 - Audry Lynn Henniger

In this episode of Widowed AF, host Rosie Gill-Moss welcomes Audry Lynn Henniger, who shares her story from Texas. Audry discusses the events surrounding the disappearance and death of her husband, Bill, during a whitewater kayaking trip, highlighting the similarities between her experience and Rosie’s.

The episode begins with Audry describing her life with Bill, an adventurous and lively man who loved extreme sports. Audry details the day Bill went missing, emphasizing the fear and uncertainty during the 30 days before his body was found. Rosie and Audry discuss the challenges of dealing with their husbands' risky hobbies and the impact of these activities on their lives.

Audry shares how she and Bill met in their twenties and their plans for an early retirement filled with outdoor activities and rescuing dogs. She reflects on the aftermath of Bill’s disappearance, touching on the practical issues such as managing finances and the emotional toll of grief.

The conversation moves to the support systems that helped Audry, including therapy and the role of friends and family. Audry explains how she navigated the legal and financial aspects of widowhood and the importance of seeking professional help to understand her grief.

Audry also discusses her involvement in volunteer work as a way to honor Bill’s memory, including fundraising for local search and rescue operations and volunteering with Camp Erin, a camp for grieving children. She mentions her current relationship and how it differs from her life with Bill, highlighting the importance of finding new happiness while respecting the past.

This episode provides insights into the practical and emotional challenges faced by widows and the various ways to cope with loss and rebuild life.

Key Topics:

• Introduction of Audry Lynn Henniger and her story
• The kayaking accident and the 30-day search for Bill
• Life with Bill: Adventures and future plans
• Practical and emotional challenges of widowhood
• The role of therapy and support systems in healing
• Honouring Bill's memory through volunteer work
• Finding new happiness after loss

Resources Mentioned:

• Camp Erin: A camp for grieving children. (https://elunanetwork.org/camps-programs/camp-erin)

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Connect with Us:

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• Email: theshow at widowedAF.com
• Web: (https://www.widowedaf.com)
• Watch on (YouTube)

Transcript

Rosie Gill-Moss: 0:05

hello, and a very warm welcome back to Widowed AF. You're here with your host. That's me, Rosie Gilmoss, and joining me today from Texas at seven o'clock in the morning, so thank you for that, is Audrey. Hello, Audrey. How are you?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 0:18

Hi Rosie, I'm good. It's a little early

Rosie Gill-Moss: 0:20

really nice to see you. Yeah, it's really, really nice to meet you. And I, uh, I have had a few American guests come on and I really love that. Cause I love the fact that we're reaching you guys over there. And also I think everybody we talk to, I mean, every story is different, but it's interesting to hear how you guys deal with grief and the aftermath. And it also expands this wonderful network that we've got. So I'm, I'm incredibly grateful to you for coming on now. Prior to, um, clicking record, Audrey and I had a brief chat because, um, her story, your story, Audrey, is very, very similar to mine. So I haven't put a lot of mascara on today because I think this might get us both in the feels. Um, and Audrey's husband, it was your husband, was it Bill? Um, he went white, white, white, white water kayaking. I can't say that. So white water kayaking. Now men and their stupid hobbies, right?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:16

Yeah, totally.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:18

hmm. Yeah.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:19

I'm done with the stupid hobbies, that's for sure.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:21

And with the stupid hobbies, says me. I mean, I do some fairly risky stuff. I have done some fairly risky stuff myself. But, um, we're going to talk about your relationship with Bill, if that's okay. I'd like you to tell me a little bit about who he was and who you guys were before this happened. Um, and then we are going to go into this, to your story. And there are some horrible, horrible similarities and some really horrible things for you. Like, um, You didn't, he was missing for 30 days and that just sends a chill down my spine. You must've been so terrified, but I'm not going to tell you a story for you. Um, I'm going to let you do that in your own words. So would you, when you're ready, um, just kind of introduce yourself and, and, and, and tell me your story.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 2:04

Yeah, I, um, I am calling from Texas, but I just arrived here yesterday to visit my sister. I normally live in Washington State, outside of Seattle. Um, most people just don't know me. Uh, say we live in Seattle, but I actually live about two hours outside of Seattle in the middle of the mountains.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:22

Oh, wow.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 2:23

before Bill died, I lived close to the city and kind of had, I don't know, there's probably a few widows that have done that freak out moment where you just leave where you

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:32

Mm hmm.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 2:33

Although I do live in a house that we purchased together. So it's a little bit of both. I've never fully lived there with him, but we did own the house together. So yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:44

a holiday in let or a home?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 2:47

Yeah, yeah, in the states we call it a cabin. So it's a cabin in the woods. Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:52

Another cabins?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 2:54

What's that?

Rosie Gill-Moss: 2:56

Is it an actual, cause when I think of a cabin, I think of like a wood cabin

Audry Lynn Henniger: 2:59

Yes.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 3:00

what it looks like? I like to be able to pitch these things. See, I'm quite, I've got a real yearning to go to Texas. Um, it's, I'm a big country music fan and I'd like to go to, um, to the southern states, but you know, one day, one day, but anyway, I digress. So you,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 3:17

is just where my sister lives. I live in Washington, which it took me 46 hours of driving to get here. So it's quite a, quite a

Rosie Gill-Moss: 3:25

hours of driving. Surely you have airplanes.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 3:29

We do, but you know, I just got laid off from my job. And so I'm kind of having one of those eat, pray, love, like. Let's bust out of town

Rosie Gill-Moss: 3:37

Not that, not about losing the job, but about doing the sort of the eight by eight love, the, the, the adventure. That's, that's a good thing, I think. All right. So tell me about Bill. Tell me how you met and, and, and tell me a little bit about your life with him.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 3:51

yeah, Bill and I met in our 20s or at 20 in college class he was really opinionated and very loud and vocal and that's how he lived life and It drove me nuts it absolutely he But that was his form of flirting and then I grew to love that and so we, um, started dating at 20 and we got married at 25. So, um, and Bill died when I was 41. So we were together for more than half of our lives together. So, um, Yeah, that's how we met. We were both really hard working, uh, dedicated to trying to create a life that we could retire early. So our plan was to retire at 50, move to the woods, have a farm of rescue dogs, and just live life. Um, fun him, uh, rafting all the time or mountain biking or any kind of extreme sport. He was very adventurous and loud and boisterous, if you can imagine. Yes, absolutely. He had a motto that, uh, nothing bad ever happened to him. That was, it was kind of a joke that was going to end up on his gravestone. Yeah. Um, he also joked a lot about, uh, someday he, he said he would die young. He just was like, Oh, I'm going to burn. I'd rather burn out than

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:21

Been bright line past. Yeah.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 5:24

Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:25

interesting because Ben used to say he would die young. His dad died in his 60s and, um, Ben used to say, I think I'm going to die in my 60s like my dad. And I would be like, God, don't say that. You know, I want you around a lot more than that.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 5:35

Yeah, yeah, he

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:36

I'd have taken 60s now. They

Audry Lynn Henniger: 5:41

a trophy husband and you, and it just was like, why do these jokes are now they're not funny that back then I was like, Oh, ha

Rosie Gill-Moss: 5:49

have no meaning then, do they?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 5:51

yeah, yeah, yep. So it was, it was a good 20 years of adventure and travel and. And having lots of hobbies, we ended up purchasing our cabin in the woods in Washington. It's outside of a town called Leavenworth, Washington, which is, if you ever Google Leavenworth, it's a very touristy Christmas town. Um, lots of tourists come from all over. Tons of snow in the winter. Really beautiful, dry, and warm in the summertime, but not too warm. It's

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:22

selling this to me.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 6:24

Yes. Yes. It's amazing.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:26

How do you spell the town?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 6:28

Leavenworth is L E A V E N W O R T H.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:34

Thank you. I am going to Google it easy.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 6:37

Oh, it's stunning. It's a German themed town, so everything looks like Germany. Yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:45

And this is where you actually live now.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 6:47

that's where I live now. Yes. But I'm

Rosie Gill-Moss: 6:49

live in like a Christmas film.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 6:51

yes, yes, and the joke is, like, my, my new story is going to be, uh, a Lifetime movie or like, you know, the cheesy widow meets the shoemaker in the tourist town, or I'm the person in the tourist town and some fancy lawyer comes into town and then falls in love with the

Rosie Gill-Moss: 7:10

It's, it's writing itself. It's writing itself is. So,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 7:18

Bill and I, that's where we ended up, or where the story ends up starting.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 7:24

and, and you've said that he was into his, um, you know, high octane adrenaline fueled sports. Um, was that something that you participated in or did you leave him to crack on with that on his own?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 7:36

Yeah, the main sports were river rafting in the summertime and snowboarding in the wintertime. And he had snowboarded a bit when we first met, but really got into the sport once we were together. And we actually got married in a ski town in Canada called Whistler.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 7:54

Oh, wow.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 7:55

yeah, we snowboarded, got married, and then went to the Bahamas after we got married. So that was our shared adventures. And Not too, he was crazy snowboarder going super fast and I'm very chill just, you know, cruising down the mountain and then in the summertime Was a lot of river rafting and I actually got him into that sport because I grew up river rafting with my family So my father my siblings all River rafts and that was our main hobby as a child So he got into that sport through my family

Rosie Gill-Moss: 8:30

Okay. That's interesting because I, I, um, I got Ben into scuba diving. I took him, I, I, well, I suggested we went and learnt on honeymoon. So, uh, it wasn't something, it was something both of us wanted to do. I would be quite happy to lie for two weeks by Paul reading. He wouldn't have been. So that's why we kind of got into, into that particular sport. Um, Okay. So I'm going to just, I think I'm going to, I think I've, I've, I've bought you dinner now. So I'm going to get you to take, take me to, to that day. Um, now you've just put June 22, but I imagine that the date is burned into your soul on the day that he went missing. Um, but there's two dates for you, aren't there? There's two dates because you will have the date that he went missing and the date that his body was found. And both of those must carry an enormous significance. And I. I am obviously comparing this to my story and I'm thinking, in fact, no, do you know what, I'm going to stop here because I'm going to give, I'm going to let you tell this bit of your story yourself and then I'm going to talk to you about it actually because I think it's important that I give you the opportunity to tell it yourself. So if you, if you, if you don't mind, would you just tell me what happened on that day in June and kind of how the day started and what, what happened going forward?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 9:44

Yeah, and I apologize if, uh, if I stutter or stop a little bit. I haven't told this story

Rosie Gill-Moss: 9:51

for that

Audry Lynn Henniger: 9:51

in a while. Yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 9:53

Don't apologize. If you need to stop as well, you tell me, okay? I'm not here to be cruel to you. You don't have to do anything you don't want to.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 10:00

Yeah, no worries. It's interesting, you know, about being a widow is that you, you're, I feel like the first year I was like, how did they die? And then it transitions into this beautiful part of what I heard about how they lived and I'm into that how they lived phase. And so I haven't talked a ton about how he died, because I don't want that to identify

Rosie Gill-Moss: 10:20

all there is about him.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 10:21

Yes, yeah. And that was a fear at first because I was just all anybody wanted to know. Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 10:26

And especially when it's a dramatic death, because there is so much interest in it. And I, I, I absolutely agree. And I have been talking about Ben's death a lot more recently, because I don't know whether you guys are aware, but there's a, uh, uh, Dr. Michael Mosley has died and he's, he was missing. And so I've been approached for comments on things on this. And It's actually pulled me back into almost doing what you guys are doing here. I think it's over a year since I sat and recorded mine. And I kind of, you kind of forget how, cause we've all got a, like a script, right? Like I've got a script. I can tell you my husband died, how old my children were, that it was a really shit time, but we're doing okay now. And I can do that with a straight face, almost monotone. I look like I don't give a shit, but it's not that. It's, it's a creative, it's a script that I have created or a mask I've created so that I don't have to pull myself back into that pain when I talk about it. And what you do when you come on here is you do go back into it. And it's like a really intensive therapy session because you are confronting a lot of things that perhaps you, you, you don't want to think about all the time. And I. I, that's why I asked you to talk a little about who Bill was, and I think we'll probably end up doing that again. If you do struggle or you do find this difficult, you can stop at any time. But I think this is important to talk about what it was like for you, because that sounds harsh, but Bill was dead. But you were there and you were still waiting and worrying and scared. And I think it's really important that we focus, we talk a lot about how we felt in the process. So I, I do like to think I'm a therapist. I'm not, I have no qualifications as you are. So when you're ready, if you're comfortable to do so, just, just tell me a little bit about what happened that day and, um, and we'll sort of jump in and out.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 12:06

Yeah. And I know what you mean too about whenever a story of someone going missing or we get a lot of being in Washington state, we're right by the water and there's a lot of fishermen that go missing and I get like, I hear those stories. I'm just like, Oh my gosh. I know the first thought is, Oh, the poor family and the widow and how they

Rosie Gill-Moss: 12:27

And you know, what's coming.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 12:28

Yeah. Especially when. They're missing, and they haven't located them. That's the most terrifying part for me. So, uh, Bill went missing on June 25th, 2022. He was set out to do a kayaking, whitewater kayaking trip in my boat, actually. Um, the night before was talking about the trip with his friend who was going with him. And was making comments about, uh, Things that, in hindsight, it's just like, oh my gosh, I can't believe that he was saying these things. One of the things being, there's no cell service where he went. And so, I was saying, you need to get a device, bring a device with you that is capable of sending out an SOS. And so when his friend has a device called a Garmin inReach, which is a GPS device that has pre recorded messages that go out to emergency contacts. So he can't just make a phone call or a text message, but that can send out a message to emergency response and the emergency contacts for his friend who has the device that pays for it. And that was one of the things that they, Didn't even think about bringing, and my thought was, what if you get to a part of the river that you're unfamiliar with and you can't get through, you can call us and we can come pick you up. Because where he was going wasn't very far from our cabin. The place where he was going was a part of the river that he was unfamiliar with. And he had just seen in hiking trips and so his opinion of the spot was that it was a very chill, relaxed river where he could raft a little bit, pull out, assess the areas that maybe look a little bit sketchy, walk around them if they didn't look like he could, he could draft through it. And I remember the night before when I asked him, what are you going to do if you hit? A lot of jam or a spot in there that you can't get through and he said, I'm just going to pull over, take the boat out of the water and go around it and I kept telling him, that's just not how it works. You can't always do that. And, and those comments that I made are just burned into my memory because that's exactly what happened. So, Saturday morning on the 25th, he said, He set out to go on this rafting trip with his friend. He wanted to raft from the spot he put into the river through the lake that's near our house and then through the second half of the river and then pull out right by our house. So he just needed someone to drop him off at the top and then he would come home from from there. Rafting. I refuse to take

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:16

I'm just gonna, uh, when you say rafting, sorry, just because I'm not familiar with it, are we talking like coming down like whitewater rafting? So quite, um, like, I'm going to, what's the correct term? Rough? Like quite, it's, it's, it looks quite dangerous.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 15:33

Yes.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 15:34

not kayaking down and okay.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 15:37

Yes, but I think in his opinion that this was, you know, there's a fine line between flat water or relaxed kayaking and the whitewater kayaking and being that this was a river he was unfamiliar with. I think in his mind, he thought it was going to be a little bit more relaxed. But he was in a boat that was capable of the extreme whitewater kayaking. He was wearing a life jacket, which is one of those questions that early on I would get a lot of people who would ask, was he wearing a life jacket? Because people just can't imagine someone drowning. If they were wearing a life jacket and he was but he wasn't.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 16:13

want reasons as well. They want to know, like, it's a horrible thing to say, and I don't think people mean it with malice, but I think they almost want to know that there was a mistake made, because that means that it doesn't mean that the whole process is safe. Does that make sense to you? You know, because if it's just a freak of nature and something goes wrong, we can't protect ourselves from that. But if you forgot to put your seatbelt on in a car, or you forgot to put your life jacket on, there's a You can find a reason, perhaps. Hypothesising, as always.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 16:44

Yeah. And then jumping ahead in the story there was there was a period where I had after he was found and everything where a local newspaper contacted me because they were trying to get the police records. Because they were writing an article about people dying without life jackets on, and they were trying to determine if his accident was caused because he wasn't wearing a life jacket. And that was a big triggering moment. It's like, do I want the media to have access to this police report? And then if I didn't, I'd have to spend a ton of money to hire lawyers to get it all sealed up. But the article was just about life jackets, and so I didn't want to spend the money. I didn't have the money to

Rosie Gill-Moss: 17:20

No.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 17:20

So, um Yeah, he was not, he was not wearing a helmet, which is something that you should be wearing in those circumstances and, you know, it's anybody's guess on what actually happened, but that could have been one of the contributing factors was not wearing a helmet. So, the, yeah, the portion of the river he was unfamiliar with. He probably thought that it was going to be more relaxed than it actually was. I, I actually know he thought it was more relaxed. I think he went too far up river where he, he had never done this part of the river before. And he also in the whitewater realm, he was, He was more experienced in whitewater rafting, so with a river raft rather than a kayak, so he wasn't very experienced in whitewater kayaking, which he was in a kayak when he died. So, um, the, so the morning that he left, he needed a ride to where he was going to put into the river, because he was going to come back down to our house. And I refused to drive him. I just had this bad gut feel about the whole situation and I said, I'm not taking you up there. I don't condone this. I don't, I think this is too risky. You don't know the area. And he being the nothing bad ever happens to me type guy just said, it's fine. I'll be fine. We're going to be fine. And he got someone else to drive him up there with a friend. So the two of them were going to do the trip together.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 18:53

So you had a, you had like one of these, um, really spooky gut feelings that he shouldn't go and do this. Have you had them before?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 19:03

Yes. Yeah, definitely.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 19:04

Mm. And,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 19:06

sense.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 19:08

you cross with him that he didn't listen to your gut instinct?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 19:11

Well, we had this relationship where we would live our lives, and

Rosie Gill-Moss: 19:15

No. Same.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 19:16

give him my opinion on the situation, but then he was ultimately the adult and could make the decision himself, and he gave me that same respect. Whether it was spending money on an expensive dress or going whitewater

Rosie Gill-Moss: 19:28

kayaking. Yeah, it's, it's interesting, isn't it? Because, um, I, I, you know, I felt I should have said to him, don't go, you know, why was he, why did he go on a horrible day in March in the UK? You know, there's why, but it's much like you, he was an independent sentient being and I'm not his owner. And actually. Where'd you draw the line? I've got, I've got a bad feeling. You can't go out in the car today. You know, you have to let people live their lives. You can vocalize your concerns, but that must have stung to know that you had that feeling

Audry Lynn Henniger: 20:02

Yeah, I mean, at the time,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 20:03

like a warning for you.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 20:04

It didn't make sense at the time, but now, in hindsight, it's like, oh my gosh, like. I haven't really thought, I don't really think in the what ifs because I just can't change the

Rosie Gill-Moss: 20:13

You can't Kenya, you go mad.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 20:15

Yeah, so. I couldn't, what if I would have said more or really kind of put my foot down, but that doesn't bring him back,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 20:23

That's not a healthy marriage either. Is it?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 20:24

Right, right, totally. Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 20:28

So he's, he goes, he's gone anyway and he managed to persuade someone to drive him. I love that you've just refused to take him. I like that.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 20:33

Yeah, yeah, so I had a very lazy morning, um, didn't even put on a bra, like you said in your story, you weren't wearing a bra, and I remember that part being something that was like, oh my gosh, I need to put a bra on. But I got a phone call from his friend's wife, who was the emergency contact for the Garmin inReach device, and she was saying, hey, I just got an SOS. When she called me, I knew something was wrong because we text. She wouldn't just text, Hey, let's go hang out or our husbands are together, let's do something. But getting a phone call is just like immediately, you know, something's wrong. And she says, I just got an SOS and a GPS location from the inReach device.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 21:20

And your heart at this point must have just dropped.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 21:25

My first thought was just, they can't get around the spot that they're at in the river. And they just need us to come pick them up. I didn't even think the worst. Um, and in fact, I didn't even think the worst for probably a day, maybe. Because I just, you know, thought, Bill's this big, burly guy. He's had dreams of doing those survival shows and watched survival YouTube videos. And that was just, you know, He would survive anything. So, the first thoughts, well, back up. We jump into my car and we drive out there where the SOS pin was hitting. And, we get there before emergency services are there. But just, like, maybe 60 seconds before, we find the first search and rescue vehicle arrive. And,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 22:16

you guys are the first on the scene.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 22:18

and we, the pin is pretty exact and so that we go to where the spot is and walk into the woods and see the river and we see her husband and it's a raging river, a raging waterfall where he went missing and not raftable. So, if he had been familiar with the water, he would have known. He went too far upriver. He went to a spot that would not have been something that they would have been able to walk around or go through. So that was probably, you know, the first mistake that happened is they went too far upriver.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 22:55

So as you're, you're getting out the car and you're with your friend and you see your friend's husband. Now for her, there must have been this enormous relief. Um, because. He, she can see him, but for you, you can't see Bill. So what on earth is going through your head at this point?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 23:12

My thoughts are just he's somewhere else on the shores of the river waiting for us to find him. And that was my thoughts for the entire day. So, um, and this is where a lot of the memories get a little bit fuzzy, but

Rosie Gill-Moss: 23:30

Hmm. You're in good company there.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 23:32

yeah, and and there's a lot of details that. I remember that I don't remember, but it basically from this point, hundreds of people from search and rescue show up from my local fire department. And then from the sheriff's department, the greater county sheriff's department, and then the greater counties search and rescue department showed up on scene. They, um, we now are trying to get my friend's husband who is in Bill's friend, who is. on the shores in a spot that's really hard to reach. So they're getting him out and trying to figure out what happened. And all his friend said was, He said, Bill said, and I, I don't know if I'm quoting these words correctly. This is bigger than I thought. We need to get out of the river. And that was the last thing Bill said. And that was the last time his friends saw him and anybody saw him. So, we don't know where Bill is. We don't know if he pulled off into the shore, if he went down the waterfall, where he's, if he's stuck at the bottom of the waterfall, if he's, He's floated downriver, we know he has a lifejacket on, we know he's an experienced swimmer and he's an experienced river rafter. And so the big piece of what Search and Rescues did was a ground search crew through the shores of the river for miles down shore and a drone, a couple of drones came through and were searching the river. With drones and then towards the end of the afternoon, and it took a while. They finally got a helicopter to come in to do a search as well. And that was super eerie because the helicopter had over a loudspeaker flying through the river. describing what Bill looked like and said, we have someone missing. This is what he was wearing. And I remember exactly what he was wearing because he was wearing my life jacket. He was wearing, um, you know, just equipment that I was familiar with. And so just hearing a helicopter fly through describing what he was wearing was just very eerie for me. And I was there through all of these situations right there, just kind of sitting in shock. I didn't participate in different school. Not equipped to do that. I have never been trained.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 25:53

equipped in that moment.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 25:54

Yeah, so I didn't participate in any of that. We just kind of sat there and, and the whole time I'm thinking he's somewhere down river. There's no cell service. He doesn't even have a cell phone. It's at home. And here's the weird part too. He had the GPS device on his boat and his friend And climbed through some rocks to get it and got the Garmin device and was able to trigger the SOS. So Bill's boat's been located, but Bill hasn't.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 26:27

my goodness. And at what point did I call the search off? Um, because for you and I. Having the search called off is, um, or at this, we are no longer looking for life, um, signs of life. Like those are words that will, they're in color in me on like a cellular level. You know, we were no longer looking for, we're no longer looking for a rescue. We're looking for a body and words like that, that you suddenly you're hearing in connection to your husband. And I'm obviously, because there is land around, at what point did they say to you, we are no longer looking for. Um, to rescue, I, I'm, I'm sorry if I'm pushing you through the story, but for me, it happened quite quickly because he was in the sea. So there's no land in, within reach. And I'm just wondering when, when this conversation happened for you.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 27:20

Yeah, for me, it wasn't until there was evidence that he probably didn't survive. And that wasn't until the next day. And so, the, the climate at the time was very warm day and a massive amount of snow. Melts and so the river was raging the river was high and the the search for the day was called off Towards the end of the evening when they kind of said hey, like we're not finding him We're not finding any evidence of him other than his boat and we've done the helicopter. We've done these drones. We've done people We're gonna stop for the day and we're gonna come back tomorrow And I was up in that spot where he was last seen the entire, the entire day. At that point, me, my friend, whose husband was with Bill, and another friend decided to head home for the day. And I know this is something that's common for widow people, and this is where it started for me. I didn't eat and I love food. I had all of my friends going, we're going to find Bill. It's fine. He's just stuck in the woods somewhere. He's probably trying to find his way to the road. He could be on the other side of the river and doesn't have a way to get back over. There's no self service. He doesn't have a cell phone. He has no location devices on him. He'll be fine. He's, he's very capable of being lost in the woods. And

Rosie Gill-Moss: 28:49

lots of bargaining. I can hear lots of bargaining. He's gonna be alright. He can do this.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 28:53

So we, I go home. After they've finished the search for the day, and my friends are like, let's get you food, let's feed you, I'm like, I'm not going to eat. And that was when it started of me not eating, I think for probably a week, which is the weird side effect that I didn't even know was a stress, stress reaction for me. Um, and I still do it even to this day when I'm super stressed. I don't, I don't eat. So,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 29:16

this is so weird. Same. Same. I have to make, I make myself like, um, shakes with like bone broth and collagen and big green powder and stuff, because if I don't, it's like my hunger signals have gone. And as soon as I'm slightly stressed and really I should be like a size eight supermodel by now, but for some reason it doesn't seem to work like that.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 29:34

I

Rosie Gill-Moss: 29:34

But it's that, it's like when, when it hits in the stomach, I can't eat. People will make you things or offer you things and you physically cannot

Audry Lynn Henniger: 29:43

Yeah, yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 29:44

drink. I manage that, but not eat. That's it.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 29:47

So, right before dusk, uh, my friend who was staying with me. And I were like, let's just go one more time, like, what if he made it downriver and he's made it up a bank and he's walking down the road? So let's just do one quick drive up, call out his name a few times, and then we'll come and we'll find, I mean, maybe we'll find him and we'll come home. So we do that. And immediately when we're pulling into the part of the road where it kind of transitions from where there's some people that live there to it's definitely wilderness, we're going A big bear runs across the road, like a huge bear. And we have bears, but you don't see them very often, and I had never seen a bear in person at my house up until this point. And this bear runs across the road, and it just creeps us out. But we continue on, and we hit a couple spots along the river. We get out, and we just yell his name. And then there was one spot that looked like a really good spot. But we had to hike in a little bit, so we start hiking in, and I'm like, we're going to run into a bear, we can't do this. And so we actually run back to the car and we never find Bill, obviously, we never find Bill.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 30:59

I mean, sensible move, I think. I don't want to go walking with

Audry Lynn Henniger: 31:02

No, and I didn't have any bear spray on me or anything like that. Um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 31:08

I'm not a fan of even bear sprays. I think we don't have bear spray in the UK. You know,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 31:11

yeah, and

Rosie Gill-Moss: 31:12

we have fly spray.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 31:14

so we end up going back to the house and the weird thing is, It's the hardest I've ever slept and the best sleep I've ever had was that night because I think it was so much adrenaline From the day that I just passed out and I passed out hard and here's where the details get

Rosie Gill-Moss: 31:34

your body defense, isn't it? Maybe.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 31:36

what, I think there is some details that I was forgetting too, is that I made the conscious decision that that day, the day he went missing, to not tell too many people, because I wanted to be prepared for whatever may happen, and one of those things being we don't find him, and I didn't. I'm very realistic, straightforward, don't sugarcoat things, and I didn't want people to say, he's a big strong man, we're gonna find him, he'll be okay. Didn't want those comments. Even from the beginning because I wanted to be prepared for anything that was possible and and that being we don't find him and he's dead.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 32:19

You've just made the hair stand up on my arms again because I, um, I did a Facebook post because Ben was missing. You know, just to say, please look out for him at this point. I'm fairly certain he's dead, but I didn't use that in the, in the wording because, but also what I got is a lot of people well meaning people. I'm sure telling me not to give up hope, you know, maybe he was out there and actually I, it's. You have to prepare yourself. You have to prepare your heart to be broken. And hope is very dangerous in a situation like ours, because actually, you have to be prepared for, you can't blindly hope that they're going to turn up on a fishing boat or, you know, lost in the woods. It's It's really, really tricky, but I'm also thinking about how difficult that must have been to be experiencing this and then not be telling people because you're having to put on, we have to wear a mask a lot as a widow, as a woman, you know, in life. But, um, I think having to sort of put a mask on and go about your business must have been very, very challenging.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 33:24

Yeah. And I think that those, those, you know, well meaning thoughts of hope or comments of hope. Make the heartbreak even harder when the realization is that they're not coming back and I don't I don't think I Knew at that point that he wasn't coming back. I still had a little like first part of 50 50 Actually, it's probably more 75 like he's just lost. I didn't it didn't That him being dead didn't occur to me at that point, but I made a phone call to One of his family members to say tell your immediate family that please don't go beyond that and I made a phone call to My fam some phone calls to my family immediate family to say he's missing. My brother was hours and hours and hours away and hopped in his car that Saturday night and drove overnight with one of his friends to my house because he was going to be a part of the Sunday search and rescue and he having no experience either at the time on any of that but he was going to be a part with as many people as we could get that we were going to tell like our immediate friend group that lived in the area and then um his dad and sister ended up driving out on Sunday as well so Sunday morning. Everyone gets up, meets at my house, and they all decide they're going to go do ground search and rescue. The local search and rescue was basically like, you guys aren't trained in it, but we can't tell you you can't do it. And so my friends were like, we're outdoor enthusiasts, we're river rafters, we know this kind of stuff, we're going to go out there and we're going to do this. And the interesting part about all of that is that at the time, one of those friends was a part of the local fire department. But now Two years later, my brother and several of the other people that were a part of that ground crew have now joined the fire department, have been trained on swift water rescue and have done a lot of involvement in search and rescue in our area after Bill's accident, because one, they felt a calling to it and we live in a community in an area where this kind of thing happens and they wanted to be a part of, you know, maybe somebody's rescue story instead of somebody's recovery story.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 35:37

that's quite powerful. That that's gotten, that's, uh, to coin the phrase, it's got me in the fields that it has. Um, yeah, it's the kind, kindness, actually, there's a, just a, that people wanted to come to you and they wanted to help and they cared enough about you and Bill, um, and then they then want to want to help other people. I think there's something quite magical in there that, and I think that's perhaps a little of Bill's legacy that you're seeing coming out here and then wanting to do that. And I think I often say legacy is really important, but this, it's, this must've felt almost like, um. Make a party. You know, you've got a house full of your favourite people, but they're there for such a horrible reason.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 36:18

yeah, and it was it was a weird eerie environment because we're not sure if he's alive or if he's dead. We're thinking overnight maybe if he would have, when we woke up in the morning, I was like, maybe he'll show up at the door because he's walked all the way down to our house or swam or whatever it was that he was going to do. So the decision was made that a big group of people went up and were a part of the search and rescue with. All the same people that were involved the day before, and I think the helicopter may have come back again. In fact, the helicopter did come back on Sunday as well to do a search of the water and, um, And I know this because of a detail that comes up in the story. Uh, to do a search of the water, the helicopter came through as well. So, my brother made some phone calls to friends that were in the whitewater community to get them to come out as well, because they would be the right people to be a part of the search and rescue. The decision was made that I would stay home, because there's no cell service out where they were going to be. And, uh, And I needed to be a point person that was available in cell range and in a spot where people knew where I was if details came up. And the sheriff's department or one of the search and rescue may have a sat phone or something that could communicate to me and so I would stay home. That was weird. What do you do when you're sitting there waiting for someone? Again, news of anything, because at the time I still wasn't thinking that he was dead. I still was leaning more towards the he was out there in the woods somewhere. I sat in. Quiet, still darkness in my living room. I didn't even turn on the TV, and now my go to is trash TV. I'm just gonna put on whatever trashy show I can find, and that numbs my mind enough to take my thoughts off of the worst case scenarios. But at the time, I was just sitting there in complete silence and darkness and quietness, and it didn't take long on Sunday for news. I was sitting in the living room in quiet darkness, and I see my dad drive by. And he's like, And then I see two sheriff's cars drive by, and then I see them turn around and drive back, and I think my dad is just in this state of shock, and to the fact, to the point where he drove, completely drove past my house, and the sheriff's department didn't know where my house was, and so they were just following him to me. So when they see my dad turning around, they turn around and they pull into my driveway first. And I immediately come outside, and I'm getting chills just talking about this part.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 38:48

I am.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 38:49

They come out, I come outside, and They're like we're gonna wait for your dad can't be good news when they say we're gonna wait for your dad And so my dad

Rosie Gill-Moss: 39:01

No.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 39:02

gets pulls into the driveway and then they proceed to tell me that Helicopters found a blue lifejacket and they pull the lifejacket out of the car and they said can you identify this lifejacket? And they said Yes, that's Bill's lifejacket. And they said, with these types of situations, when you've located something like a lifejacket that the person was wearing, the odds are that they didn't survive whatever accident that it was that they were in. And that's the point when I basically knew he was dead. And in the movies when you see, like, you hear those stories about, like, just, you just start, I just started sobbing. And my dad's sobbing. My dad probably blamed himself a little bit because he was the catalyst into us getting into river rafting. And they said, well, you know, maybe he took his life jacket off and he's wandered off somewhere, but the life jacket was zipped up. And Bill was the messiest guy. Like, his socks were in every place and every crack of the couch and everywhere. He didn't take care of things. And so there was not a chance that he was going to take his life jacket off and then zip it up and set it somewhere. So I knew, because it was zipped up, that he didn't take it off. And so, and that, I don't know if they told me this or, or what, but basically our, we came to the conclusion he was stuck somewhere and the swift water ripped the life jacket off of his body.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 40:40

Yeah. I was going to say, how did it come off? But yeah, that makes sense. But you're having to do a lot of hypothesizing here, aren't you? Um, much like Ben and I, because even though, um, I mean, I'll let you get to this point in the story, but even though Bill's body was found, you still don't know the details. And you're having to make stuff up and you're like, okay, well, yeah, that sounds right. And it's so, it's like, it feels, um. It feels just really unfair. I'm not saying that I would like to know the details of my husband's last moments on earth, but I would like, I want to know what happened. I want to know what went wrong, what happened. And I think, I'm just picturing you faced with this zipped up life jacket, just feeling the earth beneath your feet go. And it's making me cry because I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I can feel it. That moment, I, mine was the police officers at my door, you know, the second they say to you something like, do you want, we need to wait for your dad or do you want, you need to sit down? You know, they're not going to tell you that you've been, you've missed your recycling week, are they? They're there for something pretty horrible. Um, you know, I'm, I'm, I, I know I said this before, but I am so, so sorry. And of course you haven't got the closure either at this point. You, you've been told that the likelihood is that he's dead, but you don't actually know. And that's. We both know that's a very confusing time, so what on earth did you do next?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 42:03

Yeah, the next part of the story is where a lot of my memory is very foggy. I don't remember a ton about the first four weeks or, or the four weeks between knowing he was dead and, and then confirming he's dead because we found his body. But we were at the cabin that I now live in full time, but our home was about two and a half hours away. So I just needed to go there. I had to get away from nature. I was mad at nature.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 42:37

Oh yeah, I hated the sea for a long time.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 42:38

I was just. And it's funny because in the healing journey people are like go out in nature and be well with nature I was like nature took him from you

Rosie Gill-Moss: 42:47

I

Audry Lynn Henniger: 42:47

Yeah, i'm not I don't want to be

Rosie Gill-Moss: 42:49

but I did then.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 42:51

so, uh, I made the decision to drive home and two and a half hours back to my my main home and That was a stupid decision. I could hardly see halfway through the drive. Part of the drive, there's no cell service, and so I had to listen to pre downloaded music that was on my phone. And my music taste is very, kind of, acoustic y, quiet, sad songs. And so that was what was pre

Rosie Gill-Moss: 43:13

Oh,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 43:13

Yeah, that was what was available on my phone. And so I'm listening to these songs, and I'm just like, oh my god, and crying. And I, like, My eyeballs are swollen and I can't hardly see and I'm driving. And so then I was like, I need to call somebody. So I called my best friend who was also in on, I had called her the night he went missing to tell her because she's my best friend. And so I just needed to talk to her while I'm driving because I needed. To not be alone and, uh, and to be safe because what if something happened to me? So I drove home and also called my sister, um, one of my two sisters, and she lives two hours away from me. And so she's having to tell her kids that their uncle, who they're very close with, has probably died. But then I'm also asking her to come be with me. And I felt so terrible about that experience. It's like you need to be with the kids who just lost their uncle, but also I need you. And so she was like, I'll make the best decision that's best for my family. And her decision was to come down and be with me. So my. Two best friends of my sister came down and brought me like puffy eye, you know, masks and to help with my eyeballs that were swollen and offered obviously food which was not of interest to me for a long time and we just watched, that's when I started watching the trashy TV shows to, uh, to,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 44:32

The office is a, is a popular one with, uh, I hear the American office. Yeah. And where, where do you stand on a hug? Because if you are into, if you like a hug, then feeling some, then, um, one of the things that you miss so badly when your person is missing or, you know, you can't reach them is that feeling of, of just being held and I really struggled to kind of let people hold me to let myself go vulnerable and weak in their arms. I would do that on my own. But to lay my head on somebody else's chest and sob is something I've not done very

Audry Lynn Henniger: 45:03

Yeah, and I mean just in this hour that we've been talking, you can probably tell I'm a little bit stoic and and I don't show emotion. That's how I was raised. You don't talk about you don't talk about your feelings very often. You don't hug.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 45:16

of the 80s, babies.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 45:17

And so it was, I deactivated social media. I didn't respond to any calls or text messages. I had point per people because I didn't want, again, the false hope because still we didn't have his body and it was just, uh, we thought we were pretty sure he was dead at this point but didn't know for sure. And again, like he said, I didn't want to be touched. I didn't want that, you know, to be placated. I wanted to just mind numb TV shows. See how the next, which I didn't know how long it was going to last, but it ended up being four weeks, was going to play out. So,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 45:56

And are you a drinker? Did you have a drink?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 45:58

that's something that I didn't, I mean, I do, I'm a social drinker, but I didn't,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:04

But you didn't lean into it.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 46:05

not at all.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:06

Sensible.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 46:07

not at all.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:08

People tend to go one of two ways, don't they? Because John, he was the same. He didn't. He stopped drinking because he, needed to feel in control, whereas I lent into my, what already was problematic alcohol use, but I lent into it because it was my coping strategy. Um, and I, I just asked that because I know that had I had four weeks, I probably would have spent it anesthetizing myself with alcohol. Um, but I think we all find, we find what works for us at the time. And I think shit telly that that's probably

Audry Lynn Henniger: 46:41

yeah, yeah. I think you're right, though. I think that maybe that is a control thing for me, because I'm a bit of a control freak. And so that's probably why I didn't. Lean into the any alcohol use or anything like that. Yeah. So the four

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:52

And when.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 46:53

were

Rosie Gill-Moss: 46:54

Yeah, I was just going to say, you've got four weeks here, and so in this four weeks, what are you, what are you doing? Like, what on earth is going through your head? Because, have you, do you think that you accepted at the point the police came, the sheriff came, do you think that was the point that you accepted that Bill was dead? Or did that take until, so you knew that he was gone and, yeah. And did you think at this point that you may never find his body?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 47:18

that was the biggest fear and that was why when I heard your story it was just like Your outcome was different than mine at the end of the day, but the start of the story is very similar and I was like horrified because that was the entire time I was just like, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if we don't find his body? What, what do I have to go through? What, how am I going to pay my bills? How am I going to sell a house? Because both of our names are on a house. And so through that four week period. The search and rescue was pretty consistent and regular and trying to recover his body, but there was an understanding that the water was really high. So, in my conversations with the sheriff's department and search and rescue was, we're going to send people out. It's not going to be as big of a crew. And we're really going to wait for the water to drop because if he's stuck somewhere in the water or in a log jam or something like that, he probably won't be found until the water is low enough that we can see him. And so, my brother was out. Damn near every day, looking for somebody, looking for him, not somebody, with somebody else, and who was operating a drone, and so they ended up locating other parts of the drone. pieces of his equipment, they found his paddle, they found the shirt he was wearing, um, and things like that. So I continued to find things that he had. And for that, for,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 48:41

It's like the world's worst, um, what's it called? When kids go on the trails, um, treasure, treasure trail. It's the world's worst treasure trail, isn't it? You're like,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 48:53

yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 48:54

That's the word I was looking for. I told you I'd forget some words.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 48:59

So, The other thing is that my, uh, the company that I just left was based in New Zealand and my boss is in New Zealand and he jumped on a plane and he's like, I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there, but I'm just going to come. And so he came and he helped with my job and he, uh, Came over to my house and took my dog for a walk and just kind of was there and support for a week around like right at the very beginning. It was, it was really amazing. I'm like, who does that? It's a 24 hours

Rosie Gill-Moss: 49:31

I've never, I have never heard that.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 49:33

Yeah. It was pretty amazing.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 49:35

That's incredible.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 49:36

um, the other thing is that through that period of time I contacted his work. Obviously, he wasn't gonna be showing up and this is a detail about Bill that I didn't share, which is kind of cool, is that Bill was a rocket scientist. So

Rosie Gill-Moss: 49:49

Shut up!

Audry Lynn Henniger: 49:50

engines for Blue Origin, which is Jeff Bezos's company and, and uh,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 49:56

Bill was a roc you left that until 51 minutes into this conversation to tell me that Bill was a rocket scientist. Oh, what a cool job!

Audry Lynn Henniger: 50:05

so I had to get a hold of his work and like, Yeah, he's not going to be showing up. I didn't have his boss's phone number. I didn't even know who his boss was, but I knew one person at his work. And so that's who I contacted. And basically had to keep them updated on what was going on as well because he wasn't there. And so they basically just like put a vacation time in for him at that period. But they did put me in contact with their HR department because one of the benefits that he had at his work was It's bereavement services. And this is a service that they offered for people who were facing death and people who had died. So if you were having cancer treatment, they would help you with bereavement planning. And so they put me in contact with the bereavement services. That was a benefit through his work. And they do everything from funeral planning, therapy. Anything you want. And so the first thing she did when she sat down with me was what do you want to know? And I was like, why am I acting like how I'm acting? Because I'm not emotional. I just want to figure things out. How am I gonna pay my mortgage? Who, you know, where, what do I tell his work? And, and, and then part of it also was I need therapy. Who do I talk to? Who would understand someone who is a very I call myself a blissfully ignorant person in life because I've never had anything bad happen to me up until that point. I've just had something traumatic happen to me. Who can, can cope with that? And so, the bereavement services first started out with hooking me up with a therapist. She explained to me grieving and a emotional grief reversal. griever, and she said, you're an instrumental griever, so your grieving type is you want to get things done, check boxes, if that makes you feel better. And yes, and that was a huge weight that was lifted off my shoulders because I felt weird up until that point. Like, why am I? Not grieving him like how I see it in the movies.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 52:04

Why am I not breathing right? Yeah. Yeah. I did that. A lot of that thinking, is this what people do? Should I do this? You know, am I behaving right? And it's just one of the things you mentioned, um, that first night and you, you with your friends and you're like, okay, this is where he is. He's not, no, there's no way he's dead. And. Yeah. We, it was 48 hours after, so we knew Ben was dead at this point. And we were having, we were drinking in my living room and my best friend was there and my brother was there. And, you know, we're like, Oh, come out now, Ben, you know, jokes over, you can come out because you're just running from that grief, however that might be, and for some of us, it is that practical side of things. I'm just going to deal with all the practicalities. Um, I was less, that was less my style of grief. I wanted to just pump. a blanket over my head and not have to deal with it. But thankfully my mum is very practical, so she helped. But it's, it's interesting how we don't, how we question how we are behaving, even though we are the ones going through it. Because surely there is no right other, there is no other way to behave other than the way you are, because you're not making it up. Like it's, this is how you feel. And sometimes those feelings don't look like Well,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 53:15

understand why we don't teach like in school I learned how to Do all of these math equations, but never was taught how to deal with real life situations like traumatic events and learning about grief and That little, there was one slide that she showed me that showed me, here's what an emotional griever does, here's what an instrumental griever does, so basic and it was so eye opening and it's something that took five minutes of her time to show me and it opened up my eyes to, oh my gosh, I'm, I'm normal, I'm, I'm not weird, I'm not doing this wrong and why can't we teach people these things before they're in a situation where they've questioned how they're grieving? Like these, these should just be every

Rosie Gill-Moss: 53:54

I've just written that down. I'm going to have a look and see if I can find that diagram because I've not, I've not heard those terms actually. And I suspect I'm very much in the emotional grieving camp, but I would like to have a look at that. But it's, um, yeah, I mean, I felt, I don't know whether you felt this as well. Please search my house and you feel like a criminal by association. And you start thinking, and even when I started to venture back out into the world, you know, go to the pub or go to the soft play with the kids and things like that, you're like, Oh, well, people will think I'm not sad because I'm smiling and it doesn't end even in that early bit, it continues that. Am I doing this right? Am I doing him justice? Am I doing myself? Just it goes on and on. Now. So four weeks, so four weeks and you must have begun to think this is going to be it now. Um, I'm not going to find him. I, I know he's dead. I'm now going to have to tackle the, you know, the legal system and see where I stand because I have no death certificate, you know. When did they find

Audry Lynn Henniger: 54:56

Yeah, that's exactly how I spent that four weeks period. I, um, I basically did jump to worst case scenario. So I think I had the benefit from you in that I had a four week buffer of anybody really kind of knowing what was going on other than my close tight knit circle. And so, by the time it was public knowledge, which was, I waited. Until I didn't know when I would tell people if we didn't find his body, but I was holding out Hope that we would and so I didn't tell anybody until we found his body and that was four weeks in and So had the opportunity for people to go. Yep I've been through this for the past four weeks And so I've had a lot of time to process a lot of what's going on that four weeks is very strange I actually did end up going back to work somewhat. I work remote so it was You know, doing some things here and there. I needed to occupy my time and search and rescue was continuous, but the sheriff's department was basically We don't think we're going to find him now, for sure now, but maybe we'll find him when the water levels drop enough, and we'll probably do a big push of a search and rescue to on a day where we think the environment is safe. And he's ideal for a big push and we're going to bring in kind of divers and big guns and all that kind of stuff to really try to determine if we can, we can locate him. And so that was a scheduled day and I knew it was happening. But up until that point, I was in communication with a lawyer was basically, how do I settle in the state of somebody who's missing? And, um, and with bereavement services and to understand where, you know, what I need to do if he's not located and then with therapy to try to process my own emotions. So those.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 56:46

How self aware of you though, how self aware of you within this four weeks to get yourself to therapy, to get yourself talking to these people, because it takes people a lot longer to accept that they might need the support. And I think take some credit for that because you went and you sought, um, and I, what was it? It was an instrumental griever. You, you went out and tried to source some problems, source some problems, source solutions, um, for yourself as well. And I think that's probably why you're here talking to me and able to do so because you went. And faced the scary thing early on. So I, yeah, I've just wanted to interject and say that you must take some credit for doing that for yourself because a lot of

Audry Lynn Henniger: 57:24

Yeah, I like to, I'm a run into the fire type person now, that's definitely like, don't let something fester, like really, you know, dive into it, it doesn't do anybody any good to fester in those things, so. But the real reality and the real, the whole time was like, what am I going to do if we don't find his body? And I. I did some research, talked to the lawyer, and it was seven years of someone being missing, and you know this all too well, um, before they're declared dead, but you can go to court, and that, even in itself, is going to take probably years, and my thought is, what, how am I going to pay my, I have two houses, I have two mortgages, I have two incomes, he had a life insurance policy, but I wouldn't be able to access it if we don't have a death certificate, like what am I going to do if we don't find him?

Rosie Gill-Moss: 58:19

And it's horrible to have to be thinking in such mercenary terms and having to think about money when all you want to do is lie on the floor and let your heart break. But I, I was the same, you know, it was 7 years, okay, well, I, I won't, I'll just have to wait 7 years, but then you call the mortgage people, well we can't, Cancel the mortgage because it's in both names, 650 on a car payment before I drove it off the line, left the drive every month. Um, you know, yes, he had life insurance. They couldn't even tell me whether they'd pay out in the event of, um, an extreme sport. So you are staring, you stood on this kind of precipice looking, going, okay, I don't want to have to worry about money because I want to be sad about my dead

Audry Lynn Henniger: 58:55

but you have to Yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 58:57

I gonna do? Yeah.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 59:00

I tried not to I tried not to dwell on it too much But that was what occupied most of my time and probably distracted me more from my actual grief and of his death Was just the stress of wondering how am I going to

Rosie Gill-Moss: 59:15

Practical.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 59:16

survive? financially survive and and then also like When do I decide that he's dead? Or like, or, not, not, I know he's dead. When do I decide that it's time to tell people, it's time to hold a funeral, it's time, you know, because I'm still kind of, they're still searching for him, I'm still holding out hope. And, and luckily, the day that was scheduled, that they were gonna send out the divers and, and the big guns, was the day that he was located. And,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 59:49

And by them,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 59:50

them, but the irony is that they actually did end up calling off the search Before they found him. Um My brother was a part of this again and kind of my lead point person in the sheriff's department was like we're gonna tell your brother What's happening? What's going on? And he'll communicate it to you because you guys have a tight relationship he knows how to communicate to you and you'll pick up the phone when he answers and so my um, just I worked that day. I was distracted. I knew it was happening. I didn't want to put too much thought and energy into it. And my best friend and my sister came over because that afternoon we had beers on ice because we were like, we're going to drink one way or the other. This was actually a circumstance where we were going to drink. And

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:00:35

I think well deserved, I think.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:00:37

I, I got the phone call late in the afternoon, and again where he was located, there was no cell service. So, there was no way for me to get updates throughout the day. It wasn't until the end of the day when my brother called me and said, I picked up the phone and I go, did you find him? And he said, we found him. Back, backstory. They had spots in the river that they thought he might be located. They searched all that. They called off the dive team. They sent him home. They said they couldn't find him and they were pretty much done. And I can't remember who it was, if it was one of the search and rescue guys or my brother, but somebody goes, I think I saw something on a drone. Let's just go down there when, you know, half the crew is gone. Let's just go down there and check it out. And that's when they found him. And so, then this is where it gets kind of gruesome and grueling, so I don't know if like, this is too much detail, but basically his foot was sticking out of a log jam several miles downriver from where he went missing. So, in all likelihood, he probably died and then just floated downriver. And he was in, And yeah, and he was probably already dead at that point, but that's why they couldn't locate his body for so long was because he was so far away from where he went missing, but, um, and where it was was really remote. They actually had to bring in a helicopter, and they had to pull him out and helicopter his body out of the river and onto the side of the road and then then the corner had to come and pick him up. And, and then from that point on, we couldn't identify his body. And that was very traumatic for me, actually. Um, it's not like the movies where you have to go and look at them and say, yep, that's who they are. It was, um, do you have dental records? Again, He's an adult. He took care of his own medical stuff. I don't know the last time he went to the dentist or who his dentist was. We had our own dentist. We had our own doctors. And the coroner was literally like, You're his wife. You don't know where his dentist is? And just was shaming me. Yeah. And I was like, I don't. Like, he's a grown man. Like, he took care of that stuff himself. And so, we couldn't identify him from dental records. Normally, they identify them from their driver's license picture, but he was not identified. Identifiable that way. Um, and so I was like, well, he's again, gruesome. He's really hairy. And they're like, he's not hairy anymore because he had been in the water for four weeks. Yeah. Um, but he was huge. He had size 13 shoes in the U S 13. I don't know what that is in UK, but it's big, really big feet. Yeah. And, um, and he had a lump on a really big lump on his back and those things, the corner was like. I can confirm that those are true. And so then they were, he was able to make a legal and identifiable that it was him.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:03:39

And then did they do, um, DNA after?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:03:41

Mm-Hmm.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:03:43

No.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:03:43

there's no one else missing out in that area other than him. And, and, yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:03:48

what are the chances right.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:03:49

they, he and I'm, and I don't know, they didn't tell me, but I'm sure that like. He might have looked a little bit like his picture. I want to hope he did and it was like that's not enough But then the other things that I details I gave them was enough for them to say that it was him. Yeah. Yeah Yeah

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:04:07

Yeah, I can remember asking, um, the search and rescue, you know, will I have to identify Ben? And this was a few days after it wasn't very long and they said to me, um, no, we won't ask you to do that. Um, and actually I found out from speaking to my eldest son, um, whilst we were on holiday, um, I, I've never really spoken to my children. About whether they want that to be found because it feels, um, I suppose it's just not something I've thought to do, if I'm honest, and it kind of came out that he thought he might have to see his body. And I was like, darling, that nobody's going to make you look at your dad's body ever. And especially not after six years at sea, you know, or however many years. Um, and I, I can feel myself physically recoiling and I'm so sorry because I want to look at you and listen to your story, but when, um, and I'm not saying that we can't talk about it. It's just, I, I steer away from images of drownings, um, because of this reason, because it's so, um, because you feel like they're stripped of who they are, you know, it's, um, Oh gosh, I'm so sorry. And Were you, did you go when he was found? Did you, did you, were you there? Were you, you didn't, you know. I don't, I don't think I'd want to be either. I don't want to see that

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:05:25

I haven't I haven't been out there where he was went missing since that day That he went missing and my family has said some things like, let's go out there. I want to like my little sister who I'm visiting in Texas is a police officer and her first thought was right into the fire. She's, she's the first responder and she wanted to fly up and the first thing she wanted to do was go out there and I was like, I'm not going out there. So I haven't been out to where he was found. and where he went missing or where he was found. But my brother did show me the video of the helicopter and I probably shouldn't have seen that, that of the body bag and the helicopter being lifted out.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:06:05

Oh my gosh,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:06:07

um,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:06:09

it's tough, isn't it? Because you don't want to know it, but you also, because you know, that video is there. I've not watched videos of Ben at all in six years. I can't, uh, every year I'm like, this is the year. And I think for the sake of my kids, I'm going to this year. My dad has a, he's created an, like a, um, I guess like a real, but he won't call it that, um, of a video for, for when they're ready, but I, I went down to Dover. The first anniversary, we went to the closest land point, um, and we put a message in a bottle and sent it out to sea. But I, there were divers that offered to go and leave me a memorial note or things down on the shipwreck where he was diving. But for me, there's an element of, but what if they die doing

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:06:48

yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:06:48

Like it's not a particularly dangerous debt wreck, but you, I can't shake. So I've said no. And obviously I have no intentions of going out diving.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:06:56

And that's the thing is I haven't gone kayaking. I had a lot of trauma around life jackets. I did EMDR therapy.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:03

uh, wetsuits for me, wetsuits.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:07:05

It's just

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:06

Oh.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:07:07

Yeah,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:07:09

I had to zip my son into a wetsuit. We live near, um, it's a man made lake, so it's very, very safe. And it's, uh, you can paddleboard and kayak out there, but it's like, it's like a mill pond. Um, and I zipped my son into a wetsuit and I just broke down, you know, cause I used to zip into his wetsuits. It's the things that set you off. Now, did you have to make some pretty tough phone calls to Bill's family or, like, this is, I'm, I'm. I guess because yours is so different to mine in terms of you've got this very precise, you've got the day he went missing, you've got the day they called off the search and told you that he was unlikely to be alive, and then you've got the day that his body was found. So you've got these three really significant dates and it's, you know, having to kind of break

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:07:53

Right. It's like it buttons up some stages in the story because and that's where it's not super open ended because now At this point, and there was this huge sense of relief. I don't have to declare

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:08:09

Mm hmm.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:08:10

I can move forward with all of the things that I've started the process on about, you know, he's actually not, the weird thing is before his body was even found, his work did hold a memorial for him and I couldn't attend it. I was like, he's, we don't have a body. Like, you know, he's probably dead.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:08:28

Also an unusual choice for it to not be his family as well, like that's an unusual

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:08:32

was so well loved and there was a lot of people at work that I think, uh. We're struggling,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:08:39

Do they name a rocket? Can they name a rocket after him? Because that

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:08:41

you know, I tried to get them to send some of his ashes in a rocket and it went up the chain. It went up

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:08:46

Did you?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:08:47

But then they were like, oh, we're doing something else for him. And then the very next rocket that launched after that, after I was declined blew up. And so it's like, that was still.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:08:57

Oh, oh wow! That's, gosh, there's a lot of spooky things, hey? So you, did you hold a funeral after his

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:09:10

yeah. So I had through the 4 week period deactivated social media and really kind of climbed into a hole, um, which wasn't, you know. I have a really close group of friends, and, and it can, it's not uncommon for me to go out of communication with other friends for a long period of time, and so it didn't seem weird to everybody, but at that point I reactivated my social media and made a post about Bill. And, as a part of, I really wanted to, before, the only way I was going to make a public post about it before him being found was if I could get a fundraiser up and running for Search and Rescue. Thank you. Not for me for search and rescue because the next thing everyone is like, what can I do to help? And that was what I wanted to put all of my energy into And so I hadn't gotten the opportunity to get the fundraising up and running before he was found, but I did Get it up and running right when he was found and so we I put out a post about him being The story like in in a nutshell what happened and that he had died and that he was found And then please donate to my local fire department social rescue, which was instrumental part and not only Rescuing his friend, but for weeks looking for bill and then also part of the initial recovery or the final recovery of his body. And we raised a significant amount of money that was able to find such water rescue and another drone for the fire department. Um, and then. Even since then, my brother, uh, joined the fire department and has been a big part of that as well. And then I, on a different capacity, have joined the fire department in the fundraising arm of the fire department. Yeah, so it's, um, it's all been, you know, for me and, and my healing has been very much driven by volunteer work. And that has been a big part of how I am healing from, um, So not just that part, but also just recently volunteered with Camp Aaron. I don't know if you're familiar with that organization. So Camp A. Yeah.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:11:19

Camp Erin. E R I

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:11:20

Aaron is a camp for grieving kids, so, uh, they could have lost a parent, or a sibling, and it could be in any realm of that. And they're all over the U. S. I don't know if they're international. I feel like there might be some international camps, but it's pretty amazing. And so I, just a couple of weeks ago, with my boyfriend, um, volunteered at Camp Aaron as a teen camp counselor.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:11:46

and what

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:11:47

It was amazing, um, Part of my healing journey and also it was really amazing to share it with the new guy in my life. He hasn't lost a partner, but he lost his dad recently and So he wanted to be a part of he wanted to get into volunteering I want to be a part of it and he didn't even hesitate It's like yep I want to do this and it was a pretty great experience to share with him and just amazing to be a part of these

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:12:13

that's amazing.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:12:15

too, so

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:12:18

Yeah, I do. I mean, it's not quite to the same extent, but I, I, I do some, um, some volunteer stuff for a charity. It's called holding and letting go. And it's a, it's a two day, um, workshop, so they don't stay overnight. They go Saturday and then the Sunday and they offer support for parents or, you know, carers and these, and, um, only one of mine has done it so far that my middle child didn't want to, but he, he got so much from it. He went in. In two days, he didn't want to go. Of course, you know, who wants to go to this stuff? I didn't want to go either, but he realized that he wasn't, the universe hadn't picked on him. You know, he wasn't the only person in the world to lose a parent and it didn't fix things. It didn't make it better. But I know that we look at the community that we have, you know, look how we create community around our trauma. And for children to be able to do that as well. What a gift. Um, I've just actually sent an email to a young young man whose dad took his life when he was seven. Um, and he set up an amazing charity and I'm talking to him about coming on actually because I think for So much of healing can be done by helping others. There's the wonderful term grief sharper, which one of my, um, I think it was Canadian Widow actually said grief sharper. And it's that if you can hold out your hand and just offer it to somebody else who is suffering, it doesn't have to be the same suffering as you. And it doesn't mean that, Your suffering doesn't exist anymore, but you're, you just, if each of us just holds out that hand and give somebody a little bit of a leg up, well, it doesn't make it better, but it makes it more bearable. Um, and I, I think volunteering actually and fundraising, I raised money for, we have the RNLI over here, which is staffed entirely by volunteers and they will be the first port of call in a, at a sea rescue. So for them, you know, to. To do that as your job, to go out. And one of, I went to met them and thank them. And there was a young guy that couldn't come and meet me because he'd been so traumatized by the whole thing. Like, and they do that for free. I, people, people are amazing. They really are amazing. Now tell me about your boyfriend. Just quickly. Tell me about your

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:14:19

Uh, he's, he's, if, if the world designed a man that was the exact opposite of Bill in every way, this is the guy, and I absolutely love that about him. Bill and I's relationship. No,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:14:32

want to clone. You don't want to clone, do you?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:14:33

and he was his own person, and I am not replacing him. I want him, I want that part of my life to be this, this really kind of different part of my life, and this is a new part, and I am not the same human that I was at 20, and I'm not the same human today at 43 as I was when I was 40, because I've had this massive experience happen to me, and so, um, So this, the new guy is just perfect for me right now and it's very fun and exciting and, and in a different way. It's not an exciting in a we're going whitewater rafting kind of way. It's an exciting in a we love e

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:15:12

don't do that, no. Does he do, does he do any big, any sports?

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:15:16

golf,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:15:17

Good.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:15:17

is, yes,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:15:19

golf is fairly safe, he can play golf, we'll allow golf.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:15:22

e biking together, which is super fun. Um, it's a great outlet for me to get that little bit of, you know, adventurous spirit that I have still in me, but it's very safe. And so that's one of our, uh, activities together too. And, um, and he's surrounded by really amazing

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:15:40

I'm really pleased.

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:15:41

I think is so cool. I like. His, uh, mother and grandmother are both widowed, and just strong, amazing women, and I can see that he probably was put into my life for that reason, and I was put into his life because he's surrounded by women like that, so, um, yeah, it's, it's fun, and exciting, and he, and

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:16:02

I think that this idea that because you have lost the love of your life, because you've lost your husband, that you are then going to be alone forever. That's really frightening too. Especially you two have been with him for half of your life. You know, The idea of then going, you probably felt like me, like there's no way I'll ever be with anybody else. I'll be alone for the rest. I don't want anybody else. And then somebody came into my world who made it better and brighter and safer and happier. And I battled so much with the moral implications of does this mean I don't love Ben? Does this mean I'm betrayed? And actually I'm not, I'm not because you're right. That he was a part of my life, an enormous, wonderful, vibrant, strong part of my life. And I wouldn't change that for anything. But I'm not the same person I was at 20 when I met Ben, and I'm certainly not the same person I was at 37 when I lost him. So you are allowed to be happy again. And I think when I speak to people and they have, they've accepted that they're allowed to be happy again, that's when the really, the real healing happens. And I'm really, really pleased that you've met this guy and tell him from the widow representative that, um, thank you. Because when people treat the tribe with care, it

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:17:10

then he got, he has really great role models for that, so he was really well equipped for it too. Yeah, it's, um, everyone's all happy for me, which is amazing because, you know, I don't have to contend with. I didn't have kids with Bill. I didn't have to contend with, you know, I can't imagine dating with children and having lost their dad. That would be terrifying. So, my world and my circumstances were

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:17:35

I'm glad in a way when we're young, I think if, you know, God forbid if it were to happen now, trying to explain to teenagers that mummy might have a new interest in her life. I think when they're younger, the innocence is helpful, if I'm honest. Oh, well, Audrey, it has been a pleasure. Just glorious to talk to you and I feel this real camaraderie with you because I, you know, what I felt and know so few people know that feeling and I can't help but feel connected to you because of that. And I really am so grateful that you came on to talk to me because what you've done for me is given me a gift here. You've shared your story, which has made me feel a little bit better. Less alone in my circumstances, and I am so glad that Bill was found in the end. Um, I wish the circumstances had been different, but I am glad that you got to make peace with what had happened, and it's, yeah, there's no way about it. It's still a horrible, traumatic shit situation, but I'm, I admire you so much. I think that you're,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:18:39

Yeah. And I, I just You know, I listened to your story when I was on my way to visit my boyfriend and it's like when I got to his house and tried to explain why I was like emotional and it was like there and then I want to share with somebody like oh my god this was the same and this was the same and this was the same but it's like people don't understand that.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:19:01

Have you heard Lori episode? Lori Meeber? So, um, I will try and remember to send you a link to it because there's a lot of episodes I know. Um, and hers is very. Very similar to yours, very, very similar. So approach with caution, but she's an incredible woman and I think that you might like to hear her story. So it's L O R E, don't ask me to spell her surname, but I will try and get a link sent to you so you can

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:19:23

and there was one on

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:19:25

um, for now, I'm

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:19:26

I don't remember what her name was but her Husband died in a kayaking on a lake Yeah

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:19:34

Oh my god, it's just If they could all just stick to playing Snap. Snap and, you know, going

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:19:41

Yeah, I mean,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:19:42

that would be helpful,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:19:43

why I'm in the relationship. I'm in now It's just nice and safe, but I mean, you know, I, I do say that, but then I have so many amazing widowed friends who've lost a partner from cancer or, you know, or

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:19:56

Oh, or what, or driving or,

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:19:58

you can't,

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:19:59

it's, there is, we, we joke, but it doesn't discriminate, it doesn't discriminate. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me today. And I hope you will stay in touch. You will hear from me because you'll get your little package in the post soon. So you'll get your little special token from, um, little, your little reward for coming on, but you might, you know, reference from blue Peter badge. I should do, I shouldn't use that on Americans that I won't work, but for now, You take care of yourself and you keep grabbing all the happiness life throws your way and I wish you a peaceful and a happy day. Existence, at least for a little

Audry Lynn Henniger: 1:20:35

to you.

Rosie Gill-Moss: 1:20:38

And for everybody else who's listening out there, um, this has been a tricky one. It's been an emotional one. Um, I'm here. If you want me, you know where to find me Instagram or my email, and I can pass any questions you might have to Audrey as well. But for all of you out there who are fighting the good fight, um, we are with you, we, we, we see you and, um, I'll see, I'll be back with you next time. Take care for now.