[Mysterious Music plays.]

NOLAN
I’m a 14-year-old teen detective.

CASPER
And I’m a semi-intelligent dog with a limited vocabulary.

NOLAN
… And like, an audio-only medium, you totally buy that, right?

[CASPER barks in agreement.]

CASPER
There are three things that no one understands about teen detectives.

NOLAN
Number 1:

CASPER
Where the fuck are your parents!?

It is 2 AM and you’re at an abandoned carnival. An Abandoned Carnival!

NOLAN
Ghosts and monsters and thugs and con men all thrive at night. If you want to catch them, you don’t do it by getting a full eight hours.

If you want to be a teen detective, you better come prepared. You will have to enter the woods at sundown. It will be midnight when you find the trapdoor that leads down to the catacombs. At 2 AM you will break into the library for further research and as dawn approaches you will still be staking out the empty shipping yards.

[Music cuts out.]

And all of this points to a serious lack of supervision.

[Music resumes.]

Where the fuck are your parents? It’s not a bad question, but it masks a far darker revelation.

Derelict mansions, demon bridges, ghostly lights and sounds.

What is so fucked up at home that you’d rather be here?

CASPER
Question #2:

[Music turns sinister.]

NOLAN
Where the fuck are all these monsters coming from?

CASPER
There can’t be that many swamp demons and desert creatures, people!  There can’t be that many forged deeds and lost wills. How much buried treasure can one town hold?

And how does one girl keep stumbling onto all of it?

As long as there are adults who tuck their parents away into nursing homes, there will always be spooky, abandoned houses.

As long as there are favorite nephews and second-favorite nephews, there will always be plots to steal an inheritance.

So, how is it possible for one teenager to solve all these mysteries?

NOLAN
Emptiness.

[Music pulses in anticipation.]

CASPER
Because some of us recognize what deep troubles look like.

NOLAN
Because catching a liar makes you a little less angry about being lied to.

CASPER
Because stopping a grifter makes you feel a little less gullible.

NOLAN
Because unmasking a monster heals a little piece of your core.

CASPER
The world is full of dark secrets – and desperate people – and teenagers and their dogs who aren’t deterred by:

BOTH
“Do Not Enter” – “Warning Keep Out” – “Trespassers Will Be Shot.”

NOLAN
Beware of dog? Beware of Teen Detective and her Dog.

CASPER
Question #3:

[Music cuts out.]

NOLAN
So… the talking dog, can you understand him, or not?

[Music. ZOiNKS Theme Song plays.]

This is Zoinks! A love letter to teen detectives and their dogs.

CASPER
Search for clues April 10th, 2023.