23: Never, Never Ever in Dating

Are you looking for a new favorite hangout because you made the mistake of having an early-stage date at your go-to spot? Maybe you constantly regret past relationship decisions and wish you hadn't made certain choices. In this episode, I've got you covered with everything you should never, ever, ever do when it comes to dating. Tune in if you want to steer clear of future disasters and find a relationship that will truly progress.

Top reasons to listen to the entire episode:

• Learn about the common dating pitfalls.
• Find out how you can avoid the "shut-up" ring. 
• Discover when to pull the plug on your commitment to someone.

Mentioned Bible Verses:

Proverbs 31:10-31 (NLT) 

Connect with Kimberly

Join the waiting list for Positioned for Love - Ready to find the love you've prayed for and deserve? Join Kimberly's Positioned For Love program, tailored for single Christian women, and gain exclusive early access to our next enrollment.

Follow Kimberly on Facebook

Connect with Kimberly on Instagram

Visit her website

Download your copy now -> Should You Take Your Ex Back

Transcript

Speaker: 0:04

Have you come to the point in your life where doing that work, church, home, repeat, just isn't working for you anymore? And you know there's gotta be more to life than this. Then girl, you came to the right place. And you can really night, and this is the Position Podcast. As a certain coach, consultant, author, and speaker, I've had the privilege of helping women to position themselves for success in life, love, and business. So if you're ready for some wisdom wrapped up in a little bit of girlfriend, join me and other experts each week as we give you the conversation coaching and keys you need to take you to your next steps. Welcome to the position podcast. I am your host, Kimberly Knight, and today we are going to talk about things that you should never, never, ever do in dating. Never, never, ever for dating. So I don't know about you, but when I was a child, we played a game called Never Have I Ever. And this is kind of a spin on that because I don't ever want you to do these things in a dating relationship. Because I'll be honest with you, in my personal opinion, they're disastrous. So let me spare you. Here's the first one. Never, ever, ever mistake texting for a relationship. Ladies, I have said this before: texting is not the relationship. If all you two ever do is text back and forth and you're never in each other's presence, you're not having conversations, that's not a relationship. Texting is what you do to make plans to see each other. Texting is what you do in between the times that you're able to spend time, see each other, talk, deepen your relationship. It is not the relationship itself. Let me also say to you that if the only communication you have with a man is texting, he never says, I need to see you in person. He never calls you. I would be a little suspicious of that. That is definitely a red flag for me. So again, never, never, ever mistaken texting for a relationship. So I also want you to think about never, never ever having an early stage date at one of your favorite hangouts. Don't do it. You will so regret it. If you decide to have a first date at one of your favorite spots and it doesn't work out, that place will always be tainted for you. Not only that, depending upon how that date went, it might be triggering to you. In any case, you won't enjoy it the same. And now that you have introduced Mr. Man to that spot, he might show up there himself and you don't want to see him again and possibly with someone else. It will no longer be your favorite hangout spot. So don't do that. You don't bring him into your personal space and place and into your fun spots, into your relationships, into your friends and family until you're sure that, you know, he's going to be sticking around and that you're ready for the next level with him, and he's also ready for the next level with you. Here's another one. Never, never, ever wait years to figure out if he's the one. Ladies, I have said this before and I will say it again, and mostly I'm repeating it because a lot of your sisters are just not getting it. It does not take a man years to figure out if you're the one. It really doesn't. It may take him some time to see how you're going to fit into his life, but that does not require five, 10, 15 years. Listen, I ran into this lady, um, and she and I were in the same circle professionally, and um she was talking about the man that she's living with. They have four children, and they've been living together for I think she said 12 years. But he said he's not sure he's ready to get married, and they're in their 40s. So you've been together over a decade, you share property, you have four children together, and you're living together, but you're not ready for commitment. Oh. Yeah, so I awkward. I really want you to understand that it does not take men that long to figure out if you're the one he wants to spend his life with and commit to in marriage. It really doesn't. Men are not complex like that, right? Pretty early on, they make a decision about how they see you in their lives and whether or not you fit. So when he takes years to figure this out, that means he's already figured it out and you're not the one he's going to marry. He may still let you be the mother to his children. He may still live with you, he may still do relationship things, but he's not ready to commit to marriage. So just keep that in mind. Just keep that in mind. It does not take him years. And I'm gonna give you an added bonus here. Never, never ever stay in a relationship because you've been in it so long that you don't want to lose the invested time. If you realize that this relationship is not going to move to the next level that you want it to move to in a reasonable amount of time, don't waste more time because you feel like you've wasted prior time trying to get to that point. So again, I know women who stayed in or lived together with a man for five, ten years and the relationship was never going to move forward. One instance I know for sure, he told her, I will never marry you. But they still stayed together. Girl, why? If you wanted to be married and he was aware that she wanted to be married, he says, I'm not marrying you. Okay, but that's what you really desire. Make that make sense for you. Make it make sense. You're not going to make that man want you. Don't take that on as your personal project. Move on and find someone who will love you like you deserve to be loved. I'm just saying. Now that said, this ties into my next point. All right, girls. Never, never, ever commit to a man who's not committed to you. If you have to ask, if he's committed, if you have to ask and wonder if he's in love with you, he's probably not. And I see a lot of women who will remain faithful to a man who's not faithful to them or their relationship. And she knows it. Now, there's some situations where you don't know what's going on and you know you're totally blindsided. But there are other relationships where I know that the woman is aware that he is with other people or actually has even started another family with someone else, and she's still committed to him, but he's not committed or dedicated to you. So you can't give million-dollar energy to a $10 relationship. You're wasting your time. Be done. I hope you get free. Do not spend your energy writing to me. Use your energy to get free. Free yourself from this right now. And again, be with a man who loves you and who wants you and is going to treat you like the princess that you are. You deserve that. Okay, here's one that my husband taught me about. And I have to tell you, I snatched my proverbial pearls. I did. I didn't know about this, but I now see this in play in several relationships I've been privy to. Never, never, ever confuse a shut-up ring for next level commitment. My husband said there are men who will buy women an engagement ring, never set a date, never move towards marriage, but it is all about keeping her quiet because they've been together for a while. He's not ready to get married, or he doesn't want to marry her, but he is still going to stay involved for the benefits. The benefits might be everything from them living together to her cooking and cleaning and raising her children, financially supporting him, sex. So he may be getting benefits out of the relationship. She's getting a for that engagement ring. Her friends, her family are asking her, you know, what's going on? Y'all have been together a long time. Are y'all going to get married? You know, that we get that pressure from the background. So he gives her a shut-up ring. And then when people say, hey, when are you setting your wedding date? Well, we're saving money. That's usually the excuse. Well, we've got to save money up so that, well, we can have a really nice wedding. And now we're two years down the line. There's no date set, there's no planning, there's no money saved. We're three years down the line, four years down the line, and it's still the same thing. You got the engagement ring. So you can shut up about being engaged, but he had no intention of moving it forward. So that's what a shut-up ring is. Someone came to me recently because a cousin of hers got engaged, and she said that, you know, the would-be groom, presumably, really didn't seem as vested in the relationship as she was. She said there were subtle signs. And so you pay attention. Pay attention and pray attention, especially to those things which are said in jest, because a lot of truth is hidden in jest. Ma'am? He said something to the effect of, well, you got your ring now, you can leave me alone. Well, that's not sounding like a man who's in love and ready to take it to the next level. And I don't find that funny at all. I'm not even slightly amused. Girls, you gotta pay attention and pray attention. And we don't accept shut up rings. Hallelujah. And amen. Amen. Okay, so here's another one. Never, never, ever compromise the essence of who you are for the sake of a dating relationship. In honesty, dating and the relationship will cause you to change. It is going to cause you to change. You're going to be coming into closer contact with all kinds of different people, places, things, and experience it, hopefully, if it's healthy. And that'll cause you to look at you, who you are, your place in the world, what you want, um, how you need to grow and expose yourself and challenge yourself to the next levels of success and experience, right? But that should not change who you are. It should increase you, it should expand you, it should cause you to consider other perspectives, but not leave your calling. It should cause you to open up your world, but it doesn't have to do a 180 on your worldview. So, too many times we see women who totally lose themselves in the relationship. And when they break this relationship off or they get a disappointment in the relationship, they are totally crushed because too much of them was altered for them to hold on to the essence of themselves. And I have to tell you, girls, that is disastrous because that kind of pain takes the longest time to come back from. Because before you can deal with the heart hurt, you have to figure out who you are. Now, that said, ladies, there are some things about us that we have got to work on, right? So if you know that there are certain things about you that can be challenging to deal with or off-putting, those may be the things that you need to look at. And it's not one of those, well, that's just the way I am, and he's gonna have to accept me. Yeah, to a certain extent. But we also want to bring to our relationships the best us that we can be. Bring the best you you can be. So again, you don't change the essence of who you are, how God made you, but you enhance it in relationship. And a good dating relationship that's moving forward and progressing and that's healthy is really going to challenge you to do just that. So those are just a few of the never never ever that you should consider while you're dating. Do you have another one to add to the list? I'd love to hear from you. My contact information is in the show notes, and I look forward to hearing from you. Until next time, be wonderfully blessed. Bye now. That's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you're listening so you never miss one. I would love it if you would share the podcast with your friends, post about it on Facebook and Instagram, or leave a review. That way you can help me to bring you more great content and expert guests. Until next week, be blessed.