29: Dealing with Couple Envy

Have you ever experienced couple envy? You know, you find yourself feeling envious of other couples and their seemingly perfect relationships? Maybe you long for the excitement and newness of a new romance, or perhaps you're struggling with your own relationship and comparing it to others. You look at the sister's around you and see their proposals, marriages, and relationships, and those feelings start to bubble up inside. Well, girls, if we aren't careful, these feelings will morph into resentment. This episode is for you if you've ever experienced couple envy and want to learn how to overcome it and find contentment in your own relationship.

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Discern your own experiences to others' highlight reels on social media 
2. Learn how to overcome envy through the fruit of the spirit
3. Incorporate, improve, and eliminate negative emotions to overcome couple envy and focus on positive aspects of life and relationships.

Mentioned Resources

Galatians 5:22

Romans 1:29

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Transcript

Speaker: 0:00

Hey girls, have you ever experienced couple envy? I mean, you look at another sister's proposal or their marriage or their relationship, and those feelings start bubbling on the inside like I wish that was me. And if not careful, they will morph into resentment. So join me now while I talk about how to defeat couple envy. Have you come to the point in your life where doing that work, church, home, repeat just isn't working for you anymore, and you know there's gotta be more to life than this, then girl, you've come to the right place. I'm Kimberly Knight, and this is the Position Podcast. As a certified coach, consultant, author, and speaker, I've had the privilege of helping women to position themselves for success in life, love, and business. So if you're ready for some wisdom wrapped up in a little bit of girlfriend, join me and other experts each week as we give you the conversation, coaching, and keys you need to take you to your next steps. Have you ever felt jealous of other couples or their relationships? I mean, marry to single, couple envy is a real thing. And not for nothing, that envy can stem from seeing another single sister who gets married or who is now in a committed relationship. It can also come from seeing couples who have children and you're struggling with your ticking clock, right? Not only that, married sisters go through the same thing. You know, maybe you're seeing another married couple who you think has a fantastic relationship, or they never seem to fight or have issues. Or maybe even, and you will be surprised at how many times I've had married women tell me this. They're envious of their single sisters because they get to have new romantic experiences and relationships, right? And you know that fresh off-the-farm feeling you get, those butterflies and all that kind of stuff that goes with a new relationship. Well, sometimes married women are envious of that. So we're all dealing with something. But if you're dealing with couple envy, consider some of these things. Number one, you need to understand couple envy. Couple envy refers to the feelings of that like resentment, the resentful desire you have after seeing someone else's relationship. Social media is a huge contributor to couple envy. Have you ever checked someone's status and like they seem like they're having the time of their life in their relationship? You are getting the highlight reel of their vacations and oh, here's a big one. Couple envy around engagements, not only of the sister getting engaged, but also the type of engagement, right, girls. I don't know about you, but you know, I have to really be aware of how much time I spend watching romance channels because there's always this grand gesture for the engagement, right? There's gotta be hot air balloons and a flash mob and 60,000 rose petals. And, you know, if all those things don't happen and the stars start to fall from the sky, then we get upset. Like, you know, where's my big grand gesture? And ladies, um, yeah, that's not we're getting people's highlight reels, right? So what usually happens is we compare what we feel is missing to what we see in others. So we are comparing our worst to their best. What they may not have shown you is that, yeah, you know, there were all these little candles in the shape of a heart, but it burned her dress. And even if that wasn't the case and it went off without a hitch and it was absolutely, positively wonderful in all aspects, that couple in me is still real. And every time we look at social media, we are usually comparing our worst or our feelings of discontent and as if we're missing something with their experiences, right? So we're comparing what we think we lack with what they have. Also, couple envy can arise anytime you're comparing your relationship's status to that of another. So, say, for example, a single sister who is envious of her friend's marriage. And it could be that that married sister is envious of her. And it was funny because when I was first dating my husband, a lot of my friends who were married long term were like, oh, I just wish I could go back and have those like initial butterflies and, you know, all the newness of the relationship. And I was sitting there going, wow, I wish we could just get to getting to know each other better and get that ease that comes into the relationship when you've known each other a while and you can finish each other's sentences. So it's really funny to me that no matter where we find ourselves, we can experience this couple envy. Now, either way, the Bible states that comparison is unwise. Let's look at it from this angle. Each season brings its own joys and challenges. When we're talking about romance in marriage, it's going to look very different than romance as a single woman, right? I think there is a certain point that you get to when you're married and you've been working on your relationship that you can finish each other's sentences, that there's a comfort in knowing what to expect. That is not an excuse for complacency. Okay? I'm not talking about complacency. I am talking about that comfort that comes in knowing and being known by someone. There is power in that. Now, here's the other thing: there's reality versus fiction. I know a lot of um sisters, you know, especially if we've been single way beyond the time we thought we would be. Our reality versus fiction can sometimes get in the way. Right? So we want what someone else has, we've seen it. It's great, it's fabulous. I want that. However, that may be the highlight reel to what else is going on. They may seem to have that perfect relationship. And by the way, this is not only singles, this goes for married women too. Even engaged women, we'll talk about that. They seem to have everything and it's perfect. But again, it's the highlight reels and social media, it is a hotbed of dissatisfaction, right? Because again, we're seeing people's best and what they want to post, and they'll weed out all the stuff and all the drama and just serve up the fun stuff. You'll also see couple envy with engaged folks, right? So you get engaged, your friend gets engaged, and you're all happy. Maybe their proposal was more extravagant. Maybe they're planning a bigger wedding, right? So we have to be aware of how we process other people's experiences through our own, understanding that each of us has our own path to walk. And I guarantee you, if you take time to tend to your grass, it'll be green as well. Ask me how I know. All right. One of the ways you can combat couple envy is to stick with biblical truth. The Bible works, folks. Okay, the word works. So since envy has its lasting negative impacts, Galatians 5.22 tells us that we can overcome it by operating in the fruit of the spirit, right? Love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, self-control, faithfulness, all the fruits of the spirit. The other thing that is really interesting is that in Romans 1.29, it's envy is listed right next to murder. Oh my gosh. So needless to say, God takes this seriously. Now, I'm not saying if you know you're kind of jealous that your sister got like three dozen roses, or envious rather, that your sister got three dozen roses, that you're the same as a murderer. What I am saying is unchecked, it's as strong as death. It's as strong as murder, right? It is a very powerful emotion, and we have to make sure that we're in control of our feelings because feelings can lie. You're entitled to your feelings, but they can also lie to you and cause you to act in ways that really are not beneficial to you. So we do want to check them and keep them in control. Also keep in mind, it's really hard to judge a relationship from a distance. Couples who never seem to fight or never seem to spend any time away from each other may not be sharing the truth. It's very difficult to judge the real nature of a relationship from a distance. Now, think about this. Oh, they never seem to spend any time away from each other. Hmm, really? Are they codependent? Or it could be that this relationship is such that there's an issue of control where you're not allowed to spend your time with anyone else. Or it could very well be a healthy, happy relationship and they just really enjoy each other's company. We don't know. But the key here is not to judge from the outside. There's a reason why the Bible tells us not to do that. It's because we don't have all of the information. So we are making decisions based upon what we see. And what we see may not be all there is to the story. Here's another thing, and I alluded to it earlier. The grass is always greener on the other side, right? But ladies, it still needs to be mowed, it has to be fertilized, the seed has to be planted at the right time. So here's something that's really interesting about greener grass. Before you get in your feelings, and before you start wanting to make these big relationship changes, keep this in mind. Your grass can be greener, it is sensitive to season. Now think about grass, right? The grass is always greener on the other side. You know that old adage. Here's the thing that's really interesting. Grass is sensitive to season and climate. Those things are subject to change. And the key is to do the right thing in the right season. Catch this. Grass seed has to be planted, but you also have to make sure those seeds are watered so that they can grow. They need a certain amount of sunlight. Too much water or too much sun, they will not grow properly. Too much sun, it'll be scorched and burned. Too much water, it'll be waterlogged, and the seeds actually won't take root and they'll float away. You also have to protect it from the birds. Birds love grass seed. If you ever watch your landscaper plant grass seed, those birds say, hmm, Scooby snack. I'm coming in, I'm coming in to get this seed before it takes root. So you've got to pay attention to your seed and guard and protect your seed. Here's the other thing. You've got to plant it in the right season. Grass seed has to be planted in the right season. If it's planted when it's too cold, well, the ground might be too hard to receive the seed. So there's all kinds of factors that go into getting really green grass. But if you abandon your grass to go over to your neighbor's yard, you're trespassing. Stay in your lane. Don't swerve. All right. I want you to consider that rather being green with envy, if you want greener grass, your grass could be a deeper shade if we use our envy energy to upgrade our grass. It's time for an upgrade, girls. So whether you find yourself in your single season or your married season, it doesn't make a difference. You can still have greener grass. Here's something else I want you to consider. It is easy to create the illusion of perfection by deliberately discussing only the positive aspects and ignoring the negative ones. So that's why some close friends and family members may not be aware of the true nature of a couple's relationship because they may be hiding their faults and their issues from the public eye, which is their right to do so. That's also why sometimes people, their marriage or their relationship is breaking up and people are shocked because from the outside it looked perfect. We don't know what goes on behind closed doors. So for those reasons, I'm telling you, tend to your grass so you can green it up. Lastly, I want you to keep in mind that your relationship is as unique as you are. And it's important to remember that relationships differ and you can't expect to have the same relationship as another couple, even a great relationship. So use your energy to prepare for your relationship or your future relationship or to improve, just to improve. Ladies, if you're single, take this time to improve yourself. Take this time to know and understand what it is you want from a relationship. Married ladies, engaged ladies, put the time in on your own relationship, keep your eyes on your own paper, congratulate your sisters, be there with them, pray with them, pray for them, but keep your eyes on your own grasp. What works for them may not work for you. And I'm gonna tell you a secret. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, I could preach this. What works for them may not work for you. Because that same man with a different woman is going to have a different experience, right? So this same guy that you're like, oh my gosh, she's so romantic. Oh my gosh, he's so handsome, he's so responsive, he's so emotionally available, he is going to be a different man to you and with you and for you. It'll be a different season, it'll be a different dynamic. You're bringing something different to the relationship. So when we envy someone else's relationship, there's no way we can have that relationship because we're a different person. And what's working for them may not work the same way for you. I'll tell you something else. Some of the things that your sisters can tolerate, there is no way on God's green earth you can tolerate. And I'm thinking of one situation, but it is current. So I can't even possibly think of how to change, how to change this to protect the innocent. I mean, treat her like a queen, but some of the stuff, I'm like, mm-mm. No, ma'am, no, sir. It would not float over here. No. He would be a different person with me because I would respond differently. Right? So be very careful when we are experiencing couple envy, when we are comparing ourselves and our relationships and desires to someone else's. Because again, what's working for your sister may not work the same way for you. And you could get over there and get your feelings hurt. I'm just saying. Also, this just came to mind. Instead of allowing envy to take control, use it as a learning experience. Because instead of letting it eat away at you and seeping over into something that could be sinful or detrimental, consider what it is that you can do differently in your life and in your relationships to improve your satisfaction. I mean, consider that using it to focus on improving yourself and your relationship qualities and the things you want rather than using it to look at your perceived void. Envy shouldn't be ignored. Now, I'm not saying you ignore it because you can't simply wish away a feeling of envy. You can't wish away your feelings or your emotions. You can turn that focus away from the negative emotions towards learning something more about yourself and about your relationships or your future relationships. I think there's something so key here for using it as a learning tool to explore your emotions. See, here's the thing: a lot of us sit in our feelings and let our feelings rule us and let them control us. And then we look at envy and it just grows and it deepens. And before you know it, it's resentment. And before you know resentment has turned into something else, and it continues to morph and rear its ugly head until it becomes something we really don't want. So use this as a learning tool. And there's an this old saying, and it's real country, but y'all used to me by now, I am a country girl at heart. The saying goes, eat the meat and spit out the bones. So, in other words, you take the learning experience away from what you're feeling, this couple envy, but you don't sit in your feelings of it, right? So you take away the useful part of it and you incorporate that into your learning process. You incorporate that into your life so you can improve, but you take away the negative part of it and you toss that away so that you're not sitting in those negative emotions, so that you're not sitting in resentment, right? We don't let a root of bitterness take root. So that may also mean, by the way, reassessing your past and where you are and why you're dissatisfied currently, because sometimes our current dissatisfaction, okay, which could lead to couple envy, is based upon some things that we've experienced in our past or something that we feel we've missed. So utilize these feelings and these emotions, utilize that envy as awareness of your situation so that you can reduce it and eliminate it and use it as a learning tool by focusing on the positive aspects of your life and the positive aspects of your relationship or even of your relationship status. So I'm saying couple envy does not have to consume your life. You can use these strategies to identify couple envy, to move past it, to assess and reassess your feelings, and let the blessings of your own life and your relationships be your focus and not someone else's. So here's the thing, girls. The truth of the matter is our emotions and our feelings are subject to us. There is scripture that says the spirit of the prophet is subject to the prophet. In other words, we're in control of how we show up. Oh, I just couldn't help myself. Yes, you could. You chose not to. So in this case, what we're going to do is focus on how can I have a better relationship? How can I handle my relationship status and my season well so that in the next season I'm as satisfied as I want to be. Oh, yes, keep that green grass growing. Ladies, oh my gosh, there's so many things I would love to share with you, but I want to hear from you. Drop me a line. My link is in the show notes. And be sure to like and share the broadcast so we can continue to bring you more episodes. Until next time, be wonderfully blessed. Bye now. All right, that's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you're listening so you never miss one. I would love it if you would share the podcast with your friends, post about it on Facebook and Instagram, or leave a review. That way you can help me to bring you more great content and expert guests. Until next week, be blessed.