30: Maybe You Should Take Your Ex Back

Do you find yourself contemplating whether or not to give your ex another chance? Maybe you miss the familiarity and connection, but you're unsure if it's the right move. For some, it might be a great idea, and for others of you, it would be a big mistake. This episode is for you if you seek practical wisdom and guidance to help you make the best decision for your love life.

In this episode, you will be able to:

1. Realize effective communication and addressing past issues are important for a healthy relationship. 
2. Discover how sorry and reconciliation are not the same. 
3. Understand that the decision to take an ex back depends on each individual's circumstances and personal growth. 

Mentioned Resources

Ep 6: Spring Cleaning - Toxic Relationships

Philippians 4:8

Should I take my ex-back checklist

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:00

As a coach, I have had many ladies ask me, should they consider trying again with an ex? And let's face it, sometimes we just plain old miss him and want him back, but that doesn't mean we should try again. For some, it might be a great idea, and for others of you, it would be a big mistake. Either way, you're going to need practical wisdom. So stay tuned for some tips to help you decide whether or not to take back your ex. Have you come to the point in your life where doing that work, church, home repeat just isn't working for you anymore, and you know there's gotta be more to life than this, then girl, you've come to the right place. I'm Kimberly Knight, and this is the Physician Podcast. As a certified coach, consultant, author, and speaker, I've had the privilege of helping women to position themselves for success in life, love, and business. So if you're ready for some wisdom wrapped up in a little bit of girlfriend, join me and other experts each week as we give you the conversation coaching and keys you need to take you to your next steps. Welcome to the Physician Podcast. I am your host, Kimberly Knight, and today we are going to consider whether or not you should take your ex back. Now, I know this is a loaded topic, and I am pretty sure this is one of those episodes where I tell you to wear your headphones so that if you're listening at work or around your little ones, they're not getting a brand new education because there's just no telling where we're going to go today. Okay, so that being said, let's come in hot. Well, like I usually do. Listen, when we consider taking your ex back, we are looking at a very emotionally charged issue, and you should really prayerfully consider before you let him back into your life. That is particularly true if your prior relationship had some form of abuse. So if it was physically abusive, uh spiritually, emotionally, sexually abusive, or otherwise, then seriously consider whether or not this is for you. Now, I'm going to say this. He might be sorry for his behavior, but seriously reconsider because sorry and reconciliation are not synonymous, right? Just because somebody is sorry about their behavior doesn't mean that behavior has changed. And let me say that again for the people in the back. Just because someone is sorry about their behavior, it doesn't mean their behavior is changed. So before you take him back, consider a few things. If there was abuse in this relationship, has his behavior changed? And if so, who can confirm that for you? Him saying he is sorry and that he has changed is not the confirmation you need. And with that kind of history, him not being okay with someone else confirming that to you, who has either had authority or worked with him or counseled with him, and can say, yes, this is a changed being and this is a new man. He is a new creation. If he's not willing to do that, then I'm already suspect, right? Here's something else for you to consider. Because of the nature of abuse and the dynamics around abuse, I shared in a prior episode that it takes somewhere between six to eight attempts, sometimes even more, for someone in an IPV relationship, intimate partner violence, to really leave. So they make all these attempts, but it takes a lot of attempts before they successfully leave. And it's a very emotionally charged time and the most dangerous time for women considering leaving an abusive relationship. That said, you should not be doing this alone. And if you decide to take your ex back and there was an issue with abuse in the relationship, not only do I want you to make sure that he's a different man and that it was confirmed by someone or someone's, I want you to consider what has changed in you. Have you taken the time to heal? Who can confirm that for you? Who is your support? Who in your village is going to watch out for your best interest? Who will have the authority? You know what I always say, to know you, to K N O W. So to know what makes you tick, to know what went on in the prior relationship, to know what your blind spots are, how to help you, and then to know you in O. Who can say, no, this is not right, no, this is not for you. You need that. Because I will tell you the truth, girls. This is girlfriend wisdom at its best. Loneliness will lie to you. Emotions will lie to you, especially unresolved emotions. They will lie to you. So you definitely need someone in your life who can know you and know you if you are considering taking your ex back and he's been abusive in the past. Here's something else to consider because maybe you should take your ex back, maybe not. We haven't come to that conclusion yet. Now, this is really important. The two of you realize that this is a new chapter in the book that you've already started writing. So you already have a history with this person and you've decided to try again. However, your past history was significant enough to end the relationship the first time. Understanding that forgiveness and reconciliation are not the same thing. So just because y'all have said, okay, it didn't work, but we can be friends, doesn't mean you should be partners again. And if you decide mutually to try again, then you should also make sure you are ready to start writing the book again. Now, herein lies the rub, girls. This book was already started. We can't start a brand new book because a lot of people say, oh, we'll just start from scratch. No. We have to consider the history and we have to consider how we got here in the first place. Now, can you write brand new chapters? Absolutely. Can you change the plot? I would hope so, because if we don't get a good plot twist, we are likely to repeat the same chapters that we've already written that weren't a successful ending. We know that the original chapters did not end with and they lived happily ever after. So that being the case, what plot twists are you ready for? And when I say plot twists, I'm not talking about y'all pulling something out of your crazy bag. I'm not talking about drama. I am talking about what changes have you determined you're going to make so that the ending of these next chapters are more successful than the last chapters. Okay. Here's something else to consider. While we're talking about the mutuality, have you both been willing to accept your unique role in the initial breakup? Have you each taken responsibility for your part and what part you may have played? And oh, I love that word, and because you know, it's not enough to say, okay, that was my fault or that was my responsibility and I didn't handle it well or whatever. But are you willing to change it? Because if you're not willing to change it and you cannot answer what is going to be different now than it was the first time around, or the second time around, or the third time around. And yes, I even coach with someone who it was the seventh, yes, seven. What is going to be different this time than the last time or the times before it? And if you don't have a concrete answer for that, that the two of you agree upon as a concrete answer, seriously reconsider whether or not you should take your ex back. Because chances are the original issues were not resolved. And if they're not resolved, we're destined to repeat them. Here's another thing that I want you to consider, because maybe you should take your ex back. I'm not one to judge, I'm just laying it out for you so you can make a really good and quality decision. Your loved ones, your village, your people who have authority in your life, your friends and family, oh, they're going to be skeptical because they are probably the people who helped you to get through the last breakup. They probably are the same people. And they are probably going to be skeptical, rightly so, and not as supportive as you might like of any reunification. So since they were exposed to your the first iteration of your relationship, they may not want to go in this merry-go-round again. Listen, I don't want tickets to your circus. That is not my monkey. No, I don't want any parts of this, right? So plan how you're going to discuss and handle those conversations with the people in your village. And also consider this: that everybody telling you that this is not a good idea is a hater. Some people are giving you facts, and sometimes we don't like the way the facts sound. On the other hand, on the flip side of that, there are some who will tell you that, oh, this is a great idea. The two of you never should have broken up, you were made for each other, and that may or may not be true. What I am saying to you is make sure that the people in your village understand what you need from them and that you are clear as to their role. And we don't now remove them from their role just because they say something we don't like, because the thing that they say that we might not like might still be true and beneficial to us. Think about it like cod liver oil. When my children were young, every September, no, yep, it was September because it was back to school. And you know, those little kid germs from school are strong. I don't know what it is, but those little kid germs are strong. So every September, I would start their back to taking cod liver oil for the entire winter, right? To ward off coals and flu and stuff like that. Y'all don't have to write me because some of you are gonna say that didn't work. It worked in my house. Okay. So they were getting that cod liver oil. And that stuff was nasty. Um they were young, they couldn't swallow pills, so they had to take the liquid. So they were getting the full taste and the smell, it was nasty. It was just plain nasty. So, what I would do is I would let them have every day. They could have one piece of candy or one treat in order to let the cod liver oil go down, but they had to take the cod liver oil. So for some of you, the relationship is a treat, but you need to take that cod liver oil. Why? The cod liver oil that your villagers are going to give you is to keep you from experiencing the drama that you experienced in the first round of your relationship. As you write these new chapters, you're going to need that cod liver oil to ward off the colds and flus, other bugs and dramas that took you down the first time. I know you don't like the cod liver oil they offer, but it doesn't mean that they are haters. You'll thank me later. Here's another thing you consider because you should consider, because maybe, just maybe, you should take your ex back. Can the two of you discuss the past and your issues without constantly rehashing your mistakes? Here's what I mean. Can you have open, honest communication about what went wrong the first time, so that you don't get stuck in the past? But are you open enough to review it so you don't redo it? See, if you cannot review it so you don't redo it without a lot of drama, without rubbing each other's faces in it, you get into a disagreement and you throw it back in their face. If you can't get past that, then probably shouldn't get back with your ex. But if the two of you can sit down and like reasonable, rational adults who care about each other have a conversation about any past issues or concerns that cropped up that were uh harmful to your relationship, then maybe you should consider getting back together because maybe the two of you have matured, moved on, and or dealt with the things that you know hurt you and kept you from being a couple the first time. But I will tell you, sweeping any issues under the rug, that is going to lead to a second breakup. Anything you can't deal with will eventually deal with you. Anything you can't deal with will eventually deal with you. So consider that if you are ready to take your ex back. Okay, here's something else I want to throw out there because maybe you should take your ex back, maybe not. If there was an infidelity, the two of you can talk about that without being jealous or rubbing each other's nose in it. And I know this sounds very similar to what I said last time, but that infidelity piece, cheating, that's a whole other level from oh, we were arguing about money. Now, I've said it to you before, a lot of relationships, more relationships break up over money than infidelity. That's truth. That is proven by statistics. However, this infidelity thing is real because even when couples stay in relationship after an unfaithfulness, there is this underlying issue that just keeps cropping up if it's not dealt with intentionally. So let me give you an example. If he cheated and now, you know, he's back, there's some things you may want to know. Does this person still have access to his life? Is this relationship over? Is he over the relationship, right? Because there's a difference between the relationship being over and him being over it. Rewind that part and listen to it again. Yes. Are there people, places, and things that still want them to be a couple? I'll give you an example. Recently I was watching a television show, and this reminded me of why I don't watch a lot of television. There was a gentleman who was in the military, and he and his fiancee had two children. He was deployed, she was working. So his mother promised to help with the children. So she did all kinds of things to come between the fiance and the children. So she was doing all kinds of diabolical things, right? She wanted him to forget about this fiance. She was okay with him paying child support, but not being part of the children's lives. I mean, this is some serious stuff, people. She wanted him with the young lady she had chosen for him years before he started dating and started making a family with this second woman. Lord have mercy. What in the housewives of Nana is going on? So she did everything she could to cause drama between them, trouble between them, didn't treat the children well, even though she had promised to help his fiancee with the children while he was gone, set up all kinds of things for him to hear from the ex-girlfriend, the one that she wanted him to marry. You know, if there's a lot of that going on, you may want to reconsider whether or not you want to get back with your ex. Why? Because unless your partner is willing to put an end to that kind of drama, that is a quick way to have to call the police and or experience so much unnecessary upheaval that you will wish you had never done it again. Here's something else I want you to consider. Consider moving slowly until you're sure it's permanent. So there is going to be a certain, I think, temptation to move a little quickly because you two know each other, right? You've been on this merry-go-round before, you rode this ride already. So since we're back together now, we're just going to pick up where we left off because I know you. Not so fast. I don't recommend that you start posting on social media. I don't recommend that you start going on a ton of group dates and making all these grand gestures like on the romance channels. I don't suggest that. The two of you need to take it slow and quiet. And when I say slowly and quietly, that means even though you do know each other, the two of you should be a new iteration of yourself coming into a brand new relationship. So you need to discover those parts and make sure you can avoid all of the potholes you fell into the first time before you start making announcements. Let me tell you, keeping it quiet is going to help you to do that, especially if this is your second or third time around, because the people who knew you or knew of the relationship are now going to see it and have questions and comments and things to say and advice to offer. And not all of it is going to be good, not all of it's going to be easy to handle. So you want to keep people out of the relationship as much as possible while you figure out if it's permanent. Let me qualify that with this. All the more so, while you're keeping it quiet and taking it slow, you want to make sure that the accountability people in your village are crystal clear about what's going on and that you keep them in the loop. So when I'm talking about being quiet, I'm talking about being public with the general public or with your social media friends and that kind of thing. You don't keep it hidden from those who have authority and can speak truth to you. And that should only be somewhere between one and three people. That's those people who can know you and know you that I spoke about earlier. That's really important because there's a difference from you keeping it quiet because there's wisdom and not telling everybody your business until you're sure what it's going to be in the future, as opposed to, oh, well, you know, I'm going to hide this because you probably won't like it. You may even be right, but I want to do what I want to do. I'm just saying. And I'm also going to say, you're an adult. You get to make your own choices. But as I told my kids, you get to pay the cost for being the boss. And if you really want to enjoy your life and have a good and healthy relationship, never, ever, ever date or mate in a vacuum. You need people who can speak truth into your life and support you through your relationships. Lastly, here's something I want you to consider. If you really want to take your ex back, or okay, you're just considering it. If either one of you is reconnecting because you are lonely, because your clock is ticking, you're familiar with each other, you have a fear of being alone, you are horny, or whatever else the case may be, there's some negative emotion that you're looking to avoid. So you're getting into relationship. If either one of you are in that category, this is probably not the best idea for you to get back together with your ex. All those reasons are way too flimsy. They are way too flimsy to support a loving, kind relationship. When you think about a really good romantic relationship, think about Philippians 4.8. And it looks at whatsoever things are lovely, kind, just, of good report, think on these good things. If you can't say these things about this relationship, if it's not healthy and supportive, if it's not growing, if the two of you are not walking together and you don't agree, then maybe this relationship is based in emotion and in need rather than having the solid foundation that it takes to be sustainable. I listen, I love you. I just want you to consider that this is important. And you've heard me say it before. Who you choose to marry is the second most impactful decision you will make in your life, second only to your decision for salvation. It's very impactful, and it is going to change the trajectory of your life for the better or the worse. So before you decide to take your ex back, before you decide to try again, before you decide, well, you know, I miss him so much. So this has gotta be okay. I want you to consider all the things that I've talked about today. And if you need more support, if you need to add someone else to your village, perhaps an unbiased listening ear, consider investing in your own private coaching. I would love to be here to support you. The link will be in the show notes. Be sure to like and share the podcast so that we can continue to bring you great episodes every week. And until next time, be wonderfully blessed. Bye now. Ladies, I know this is a huge decision, so I've created a Should I Take My X Back checklist for you that you can download for free from my website. The link is in the show notes. That's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you're listening so you never miss one. I would love it if you would share the podcast with your friends, post about it on Facebook and Instagram, or leave a review. That way you can help me to bring you more great content and expert guests. Until next week, be blessed.