31: What Deborah Would Tell You About Loving While Leading

Do you find yourself navigating the complexities of being a Christian female leader while longing for a fulfilling romantic relationship? Maybe you're searching for wisdom on how to balance leadership and love, just like Deborah in the Bible. In this episode, we are diving into the challenges and joys of being a woman in leadership and discovering practical insights on cultivating a successful relationship while fulfilling your calling. If you're ready to find inspiration and guidance on harmonizing your role as a leader and your desire for love, this episode is for you.

In this episode, you will:

1. Explore the challenges Christian female leaders face in balancing their leadership roles and romantic relationships.
2. Learn from the biblical example of Deborah, the only female judge, and how she successfully balanced leadership and love.
3. Gain practical tips and advice on prioritizing your relationship with God, setting boundaries, and maintaining a fulfilling romantic relationship while pursuing your leadership goals.

Mentioned Resources 

Judges 4-5

Mathew 6:33

James 1:5-8

Judges 5:31

Judges 6:1

Titus 2

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Transcript

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Hey girls, being a Christian female leader can be challenging, especially when you are trying to balance your leadership roles and your desire for fulfilling romantic relationship or marriage. However, as Deborah has shown us in Judges chapters 4 and 5, it is entirely possible to achieve both. By trusting God that He has a plan for your life and with patience and purpose and being focused, I believe you can achieve both just like she did. So listen into this episode while we talk about what Deborah would teach you about loving while leading. Have you come to the point in your life where doing that work, church, home, repeat just isn't working for you anymore, and you know there's gotta be more to life than this, then girl, you've come to the right place. I'm Kimberly Knight, and this is the Position Podcast. As a certified coach, consultant, author, and speaker, I've had the privilege of helping women to position themselves for success in life, love, and business. So if you're ready for some wisdom wrapped up in a little bit of girlfriend, join me and other experts each week as we give you the conversation coaching and keys you need to take you to your next steps. Hi and welcome to the Position Podcast. I am your host, Kimberly Knight, and today we are going to talk about what Deborah, the Judge of Israel, would tell you about loving while leading. All right, so you know that, or maybe you don't, maybe you haven't read the story of Deborah, who was the only female judge in Israel. And if you haven't, I'm going to encourage you to do so because it is a fabulous story, especially for those of us who are in positions of leadership and trying to balance that and love at the same time. One of the things I think that Deborah would tell you if she could talk to us about loving while leading, and I think the most important thing in any relationship is to prioritize your relationship with God. In order for Deborah to have this position, right? It was uncommon. As a matter of fact, it was so uncommon that she was the only female judge recorded that I know of in the Bible. There is no way she had that kind of wisdom, favor, position without prioritizing her relationship with God. In order to be a judge, period, you had to be very wise. You had to be hearing from God. You had to be able to discern, settle issues, speak wisdom and life into situations. So there's no way you can do that without prioritizing him first. If he is the center, everything else works, right? Matthew 6.33 says, seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added onto you. And there's no one, it says in James, that ask God for wisdom that doesn't get it. So here's the thing: you've got to prioritize your relationship with God if you're loving and leading at the same time. Because girls, I don't have to tell you, but if you're doing it, you know what I'm talking about. It takes balance, it takes wisdom, it takes prioritizing, and a whole lot of other stuff we're going to talk about. Okay, here's something that was very interesting. When you read the story, she was working with Barak in this story, who was leading the Israelite army. Now that meant it put her in very close proximity to a multitude of men. Again, very uncommon for that day. And it also tells me she knew how to handle herself and she kept clear boundaries, especially with men that she was not related to, because it does not even show the hint of impropriety. And ladies who are leading and loving at the same time, that is key. Our relationships have to be above reproach. So if you are loving and leading, whether that is your dating or you're married or engaged, make sure that your boundaries are clear and that your relationships with men are on the up and up. All right. Listen, we the Bible says do not even give the appearance of evil. So we have to remember those things. Here's something else I think Deborah would tell us. I think that she would say to know yourself, that self-awareness is really critical, right? Understanding your values, understanding your interests and your goals, so that you can look for a partner who aligns with your vision, understanding who you are and what you're called to do. And I think that's really very important. So if you are dating or you're engaged, you want to make sure that the man that you look to share your life with can handle that, right? But you can't do that until you know yourself. The other thing I find very interesting, and I do this all the time when I see a name in the Bible. I always look it up to see what it means because I understand that biblical names give context to the text. So in the Bible, names meant a lot. It wasn't just Obama going, I looked down at this baby and I wanted to call her giggle a goo. No, names have meaning. So Deborah's name means bee, like bumblebee or honey bee, B-E-E. And at first glance, I'm like, oh, okay, she's as busy as a bee. I get it. But wait a minute, let's think about bees and what bees do mean and represent. Here are some interesting facts about the life of bees to correlate to our understanding of Deborah as a judge. First of all, did you know that a honeycomb can support 25 times its own weight? Oh my gosh. A honeycomb can support 25 times its own weight. So that tells me that as a leader, Deborah was able to handle the weighty matters. She was able to carry the weight of leadership well. And ladies, that is really key for us as well. Can you carry the weight of leadership well? Hmm. Here's something else. The average hive, it says between 50,000 and 60,000 bees on average. So the average hive has between 50,000 and 60,000 worker bees. That means that this queen is overseeing well over 50,000 bees. That's huge. It tells me that she knows how to delegate, she understands her role, that she is the center of all this work that is going on and is extremely organized and disciplined. So, ladies, if we're going to be loving while leading, we've got to be organized and disciplined. We have to understand how to delegate and what our role is. I'll give you an analogy. If you go into a restaurant, the head chef is not chopping lettuce. Okay, so don't chop lettuce. If we're looking at the bumblebee, that queen bee is not doing the work that the worker bee does. The queen bee is overseeing it. It's also interesting that the honey bee is the only insect that produces food for humans. Now, why is that important? Because at first glance, I'm like, yeah, okay, that's cute. But, and I love honey, but if you think about it, Deborah was feeding her people not with food, but she was feeding them with the word of God. She was feeding them with faith. She was feeding them with prophecy. She was feeding by leading them well, right? So can you feed your people? Is your food good? Is it worthy and safe for consumption? Is what's coming out of you, what you're producing, safe for consumption? My gosh. Okay. Here's something else. The honey keeps very well. A pot of honey was literally found in King Tut's tomb, and they said it was still in good condition. Now, I don't know if I would have eaten it, but you know, the research that I did said that honey keeps very well. How are you keeping up, girls? Are you being found in good condition? Do you understand the importance of self-care in your own life that you can be kept up very well and be found in good condition so you can continue to lead? Because quite frankly, loving while eating is going to require a lot of you, and you cannot pour out of an empty cup. So let's make sure that you're found in good condition because you are keeping yourself in good condition by taking really good care of yourself. Mm-hmm. The other thing is that eating honey is a natural way to get an energy boost, right? It's a mixture of simple sugars, of glucose and fructose. And studies have shown that it works in preventing fatigue and also enhancing athletic performance. Now, if we go back to Deborah and Barack, and when she went out to war against Cicero with him, she had to be able to keep up. Not only to keep up, but also to enhance their performance, to enhance their faith, to enhance their ability to fight. She had to lead and love at the same time. Here's something else. This was really, really interesting. Check this out. A colony without a queen bee cannot survive for sustained period. The absence of the queen impacts the behavior of the worker bees and makes them agitated and aggressive. So after Deborah led Barak and the army, they lived at peace for 40 years because the queen was there. But guess what? In the very next verse in chapter 6, verse 1, it says that another judge took over, which meant that Deborah had passed away. Under that judge, Israel sinned and fell into all kinds of lawlessness. Could it be that this queenless colony was impacted by Deborah's absence and their behavior change? Just like in a hive where a queenless hive becomes agitated and aggressive? Remembering, ladies, that I always say, and I know it's not popular opinion now, but hey, it's my show, that we have to fight like a girl. We have to lead like a girl. We don't have to be rough and tough. We can still be impactful and feminine. We can still be impactful and bring our full ladylike selves to the whole adventure. One of the things female leaders do and do quite well, I will add, is to set tone. It's just like the mother in a home, right? If you're a mom, whether you stay at home, you work at home, or you work outside of the home, you're a leader. A mom is a leader. And the thing about being a mom and a wife is that we set the tone of the household. You ever heard that saying, if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy? It's bad English, but it's really good doctrine. The way we set the tone in a house is the same way a leader sets the tone in the organization. And when that leader is not there or that leader is not working at their full capacity, it's going to show up in how the workers or those that she leads behave. So, ladies, remembering that when you're loving while leading, you are the queen of your colony. Your colony is your castle or your home. You are the queen. And the queen sets the tone. And when we're not setting the tone, it leaves a void that could possibly be filled with behavior that we don't want to see. So remember, if you're loving while leading, you set the tone. Here's something else that's really interesting. We know that Deborah was married. It says that Deborah was married to Lappadoth. Now I always say Deborah kept Lappy happy because one of the things we know from scripture is usually if a woman was in good standing, her name would be attached to either her lineage or her husband. The thing about Lappadoth is he had to be a special kind of man. Now, Lappadoth's name means flame. I would encourage you that if you are leading and you're looking for love or you're in love, make sure that this man is as on fire for God as you are. Seek a partner who shares your faith, who shares your values, who has a common foundation, right? So that you can strengthen your relationship with it. And also someone who supports your calling. So we know that Lapidoff had to support her calling because otherwise she wouldn't have been able to go off to war. Or we would have heard in the story that he was against her leaving or going or serving. And we didn't hear that. So that means that Lapy was happy and could deal with her purpose. And that's another thing. So this is for my single sisters. If you're dating and you're thinking about long-term compatibility for marriage, don't rush into a relationship without considering the future. Lapidoth was the right man for her uniqueness. Deborah was unique. There wasn't a whole lot, I mean, there were wise women, and Titus II is set forth just about that, right? Read Titus II. It's about the older women teaching younger women wisdom so that they don't make mistakes. But we're talking about on a higher level. She was leading an entire nation. Obviously, Lapidoff could handle her uniqueness. Not every man could handle a Deborah. Deborah was a prophetess, she was a female leader, she was traveling with an army, she had direct contact with a large body of men, and not every man can handle that. So let me say this to my leaders. Not every man can handle a Deborah. Not every man can handle a Leah, a Keisha, or a Kimberly. It takes a special man to handle you, and you want to make sure that he can handle your uniqueness now and as you grow. You want room to grow. You want room to spread your wings. And I think that if you're loving while leading, your roots and your wings are extremely important. Your roots are your relationship. The two of you submitted to God and His purpose and plan for you individually and as a couple. And your wings allowed you to fly, to explore, to express the things that God has put in you now and what he will add on in expression in the future. So you want to make sure that this man is not only good for you now, but in the future. Okay. So here's the other thing. You have to balance your priorities. Now, whether you're married or single, it's really important that when we're talking about romantic love, when we're talking about marriage, that we continue to fulfill our call. But it's going to look different. Maintaining a healthy work-life balance is very different for me as a married woman than it was as a single woman. When the scripture says that Deborah the Prophetess was the wife of Lapidoth, it also implies order and balance. It knew to me, it means that she knew how to be a wife and how to be a judge. And she knew when to be a wife and when to be a judge. See, here's one of the secrets, girls, married and single, that I have seen destroy many a good relationship. Sometimes when we have a strong leadership calling, we don't know when to turn it off. Oh my gosh. Okay. I might get some letters on that one. But let's you have to know when to turn it off. And I'll be honest, because it becomes so intrinsic, I don't know if we can turn it off, but we have to know how to control it. We have to know how to balance it. We have to know how to be wise in our leadership. That means that when I come home, I'm not showing up in my leadership the same way I show up in my business. I have two businesses, I have clients, and you know, I have a home and some other responsibilities. I have ministry responsibilities and what have you. I'm hiring new staff, all these kinds of stuff. I'm leading, right? I'm in charge. I'm the buck stop here person. And in my home, I have a husband. Do I lead in my home? I absolutely do. Do I have a say-so in my home? I absolutely do. But I surely don't handle my husband the way I handle my business. Oh, let that sink in. I don't handle my husband the way I handle my business. You have to know when to pray and when to play. You have to know when to work and when to put that computer away and just be his wife. And I'll tell you the truth, it took me probably the first two or three years of our marriage to figure that out. Because I was used to plowing through, right? If I had a project, I was going to stay up sometimes all night long and get it done. Well, hmm, Mr. Man likes me to, you know, spend some time with him. And, you know, I'm trying to be delicate here because I didn't warn you to put your headphones on here first, but there are things that husbands and wives enjoy. And he likes that. So I may not be able to, you know, work all night. And there's other times when I have projects and he's very understanding that it's going to take me away from him for a little bit longer than I would like. But what I do is I make sure that we have talked about that, my schedule. I ask him to cover me in prayer. I ask Father to help me to be very efficient, effective, and focused so that I'm not making this a habit all the time. And I try my best to maintain a good work ethic so that during the times we are together, that my work is not spilling over. The other thing that Father has shown me, and it has been such a blessing, is to tap into my husband's wisdom. So sometimes when my business does kind of roll over into my personal life, because sometimes that's just the nature of leadership, right? Tap into my husband's wisdom. And I'll say to him, I need to tap into your wisdom well. Is this a good time? And very rarely will he say, No, this is not a great time or what have you. But he has really brought some insights that I really wouldn't have thought of on my own. The Bible says that two have a better reward for their work. That is true. He has given me insight and advice and direction that I wouldn't have had otherwise. So not only does that help me with my leadership and my work, but it also brings him into it so that it's not in competition. It's something that we share. Yes. Hallelujah. Okay. That said, communication is going to be key. Effective communication is going to be the cornerstone of your successful marriage or your relationship. So you got to learn how to be open and honest, ensuring that both you and he feel heard and understood, and that your communication is kind, right? You can lead and still be kind. A lot of us, when we go into leadership, begin to take on a little bit more of our masculine energy as well. So we want to watch for that. I will tell you, coming into a marriage after having been single for so long, it was one of the things I had to learn to balance out and step back from because I had covered my home, my parents' home, uh the business I was teaching at the time, ministry. I was working a full-time job where I was a manager as well. So everything in my life I led. So coming into the marriage, it took me a while to get my communication style with him in order because I was so used to communicating as the leader that I had to learn how to communicate as his wife. And it wasn't that what I was saying was incorrect or wrong or ungodly. It was how I was communicating it. It was the patience with which I received his correction or his questions or what have you, right? It was the way that I had to learn. I didn't have to express everything that came to my mind. And he didn't have to do everything that I thought the way I thought it. Oh, that, oh girls, yeah. Come back for that one. I definitely have to do a show just on that because that was really hard. Earlier, when I said it took two or three years to adjust, oh, that was a big component, not what I was saying, but how. So if you're loving while leading, that's definitely something you want to think about. Your communication is going to be key. Here is something else, and I kind of touched on it earlier, but I want to touch on it again is about boundaries. Now, when I talked about boundaries earlier, I was talking about in relation to other men and you know, making sure that you're honoring your marriage at all times by establishing healthy boundaries and how you handle those relationships. But there are other things that you may need to establish boundaries for too, such as maintaining your individuality and preventing overwhelm and overcommitting. Because as a single woman, I could do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do. My only restraint was that it still glorified God. So if I wanted to stay up till three o'clock in the morning, I stayed up to three o'clock in the morning. And we talked about that. But what I found interesting about Deborah, it says that she took counsel under the tree of Deborah, which means she didn't bring all of her work home. For all intents and purposes, she had an office. The tree was her office, and she judged Israel and did all the things that the judges did from her office. Now, for example, my office is at home, but I usually finish my workday by five. My husband usually gets home around 6, 6:30. I usually finish my workday around 5. If I'm cooking that day, well, usually my meals are cooked at like six o'clock in the morning, but that's another show too. But I'll, you know, I'll start getting ready for him. Uh I'll pick up around the house. I turn from my corporate work and ministry work towards home. I have a whole ritual and routine because I work out of my house. It's even more important because it's easy for one part of my day to just fall into the other part and I never stop working. So I have a whole routine that I do to turn from my daytime work with my companies or my ministry to receiving my husband and having time with him and just being home and enjoying home. I would say to you, consider doing the same, right? How do you begin to shift from your work to home? What are the boundaries you and your spouse need to set so that you and he are in agreement about how much work goes on at home and how you bring work home. Now, some of the ministry I do, some of the work I do, of course, has to be on night and weekends, which is usually our time. However, we have a conversation about that and what that looks like. And before I'll take on something that's going to take away from our time, I'll have a conversation with him about what I want to do and how I'm doing it and what time it is going to require of me. Now, I can say I have never had him to say, oh no, don't do that, because it's going to take away from our time. Because usually I make sure that our relationship is first, that my time and my calendar reflect that, that my energy reflects that. So if I have to walk away from the norm and it requires more time, or the timing is such that it's the usual time that he and I would spend together, he doesn't feel cheated or violated because I don't do that on a regular basis. I discuss it with him ahead of time and I make provision. So that means, you know, I remind him, tonight, you know, I have ministry or I won't be home when you get home because I'm speaking at such and such a place. Is there anything you need? Now, see, this is why I said not everybody could be my husband, not everybody can be your husband, because usually he'll say, No, I'm fine. Let me know when you're on your way home. Be safe. He'll cover me in prayer and he's fine. I don't make it a habit to be away too much, right? We had an agreement when we got married about how much time we would spend away from each other when we're talking about like overnight and travel. So if he cannot travel with me or I cannot travel with him, we have a prescribed time that we prefer to be apart. That works for my marriage. You have to discover what works for yours. And here is the problem. When people don't have the discussion, they just assume. Have the discussion, set the boundaries together. And when the boundaries need to be changed, have the discussion and come to an agreement. Two can't walk together unless they agree. Here's something that's really, really important if you're loving while leading. And I think Deborah would support me on this. Privacy. I don't know what it is about social media today, but everybody thinks they have to tell every part of their business on social media. Stop it. The general public, your congregation, your employees, those who report to you do not need access to your personal relationship, especially the struggles. I think it's by design that we don't hear much about Labrador. I really do. Because for us, I think it's something that we need to follow as well. Everyone doesn't need to know everything about your relationship, about every struggle, about every conversation. They don't. Maintain your privacy. It's important. Here's another thing I think Deborah would tell you. Spend quality time with your husband, even if the quantity is not as much as you like. So that means during your peak time together, you're going to make sure that you turn off all the distractions. My husband and I go what we call radio silent, where I let all the important players know, hey, we're turning off the phone. If you need me in an emergency, this is how you get me. Otherwise, we will not be available. This is who is available to help you while we're off the grid. We make sure that we designate a proxy to take care of the day-to-day stuff, or make sure we've done it in advance or scheduled it for a later time, turn off the TV and other media and just have time together. So even if you can't get quantity time because it's a crunch period, do your best to get quality time. I really do think Deborah would agree with me on that. Here's the last thing I think Deborah would tell you about loving while leading. It is so easy to get caught up in our work and in our leadership and responsibilities, roles, and calling that we can lose sight of each other. It's important to make time, take time, and have a system for doing a check-in to ensure that your needs are being met, yours and his. Ask him if he's getting enough time and attention. Ask him about the frequency and quality of your physical relationship. Ask him all those questions and have not only like a check-in, but let's say that he feels like he's not getting enough time, attention, or physical relation. There should be some kind of system that the two of you have to say, hey, we need to look at this, we need to take care of this. That way we don't have hidden resentment from husbands who are feeling neglected. Ladies, I believe Deborah would agree with me when I say your husband, your family, your household is your first ministry. And I don't think Father would have us to neglect that in order to lead outside of our home. So these are the things that I think Deborah would share with us if she could talk to us about loving while leading. Again, I'm going to encourage you to read Judges 4 and 5, the full chapters. It won't take you long because I think there's so many nuggets, so much wisdom in those chapters about how a woman of God can love and lead at the same time and experience success in both. I would love to hear from you about your leadership journey. And please share this podcast episode with a friend. Who is also loving while leading. Until next time, be wonderfully blessed. Bye now. That's a wrap. I hope you enjoyed this week's episode. Be sure to subscribe to the show wherever you're listening so you never miss one. I would love it if you would share the podcast with your friends, post about it on Facebook and Instagram, or leave a review. That way you can help me to bring you more great content and expert guests. Until next week, be blessed.