Have you ever felt judged for your choices around breastfeeding? Are you looking for strategies to confidently navigate these pressures and judgments? We tackle these sensitive topics head-on, offering grounded ways to manage societal pressures surrounding extended breastfeeding. From your intimate relationships to healthcare professionals, we delve into the dynamics of this area that is often fraught with unsolicited opinions. Whether you’ve already settled on extended breastfeeding or are still weighing the options, we provide actionable strategies to guide you through this journey.
Have you ever felt judged for your choices around breastfeeding? Are you looking for strategies to confidently navigate these pressures and judgments? We tackle these sensitive topics head-on, offering grounded ways to manage societal pressures surrounding extended breastfeeding. From your intimate relationships to healthcare professionals, we delve into the dynamics of this area that is often fraught with unsolicited opinions. Whether you’ve already settled on extended breastfeeding or are still weighing the options, we provide actionable strategies to guide you through this journey.
I say this all the time when we're talking about breastfeeding, there's always a lot of emotions, a lot of intensity, a lot of feelings, and some of those feelings that you can sense from other people are judgment and pressure to wean, pressure to do something differently than you've chosen right now. Because as much as we can feel judgment for continuing to breastfeed and pressure to wean if we're in a different context and this absolutely happens you can also feel judgment for weaning, right. You can feel judgment for making a choice that other people aren't making, and if you are in a group of people that identify or tend to lean more towards quote, attachment, parenting, it can be scary to make changes in your breastfeeding journey that are different from the group, right? So this pressure and this judgment can come from your partner and these intimate relationships, your best friend, your parents, right, or your in-laws, of course, but even daycare providers, you know, random people at the grocery store or in the waiting room or at the park can have things to say, or at least facial expressions to make, about your choices, right? Whether you're openly breastfeeding, whether your child's pulling on your shirt, whether you've had a conversation and mentioned breastfeeding and now this judgment is coming up. And then there's also the doctors and the healthcare professionals who might be putting pressure on you or you're sensing judgment from them, and so sometimes this judgment and the social pressure is just perceived. We don't have explicit, concrete evidence to say they feel this way, but we walk away from the experience or in the experience feeling like we're being judged, feeling like we're not safe, feeling like our choices are not being valued right, like there's no respect and openness to explore why we have made the choices that we've made to continue to breastfeeding past a year, to wean, whatever that is right.
Jenna:
I could share so many stories from clients and in my own life, people who have felt that judgment right, like I've shared before about I've had my child's pediatrician tell me oh, you don't need to keep breastfeeding, when my child was breastfeeding at 15 months old or I had not said that I wanted to wean, but he was very much like why are you doing this? You don't need to keep doing that. I've worked with people whose daycare providers tell them that breastfeeding is the reason why their child is having a hard time adjusting at daycare and told them that they need to wean. I'm sure you, as a listener, have experienced some version of this yourself. We know that this happens. Whether we've experienced it or seen it, we know that this happened.
Jenna:
So let's talk about five ways to manage the social pressure and judgment when extended breastfeeding. And my very first way to manage this would be to feel grounded in your choices, or at least acknowledge that you don't feel grounded yet. So decision making as an adult is very, very nuanced. It is difficult to find a choice that is truly black and white, right. There's always so much nuance, so much gray area that it's hard to say yeah, I've made this choice because blah, blah, blah, and feel really confident in that. Now, if you are listening to this and you're like my choice to breastfeed is because of X, y, z and I know that, jenna, then like that's incredible. Or if you're listening and you're like I'm gonna wean and I know it because you know this and I feel good about it, that is amazing. And that is the place to start, because when the judgment comes, you're not gonna be questioning yourself at least as much. Right, if you really know why you've done what you've done. But if you're not in that place, if you're like there are so many options in front of me and I'm not sure how I feel and I don't know what's happening. I get it. I get it so much.
Jenna:
And see if you can, in this place right now, just acknowledge that you don't feel grounded yet in your choice. Acknowledge that you're still gathering information to make a choice and tell yourself self I trust you. Acknowledge that in the future, when new information comes, you will make the right choice for you and your family, right? You're still. You're in a holding sequence. You're in a holding space right now, waiting for new information to come to make a choice. And right now You're okay with what you're continuing to do and when you need to make a change, you will, and you entrust yourself to make that change. So if you need to tell yourself I trust you, I trust you to know when it's time to make a different choice here, do that. That can really really support you to feel grounded, even if you feel like you haven't made a powerful choice yet in the matter.
Jenna:
Because that's it's so common for parents, for moms, to feel like their child's the one calling the shots right, or like you're kind of a victim to the breastfeeding situation, right to your child's demands, and that's okay if you're there and that's okay. If you don't know how to get out of there, just trust that when the time comes for you to move forward, you will know right. So when the judgment comes, you can say, hey, this is, this is okay for me and my family right now and we're working on it, okay. So Number two would be know your rights. So a place where judgment can come in is in the workplace, right, it's breastfeeding in public, it's co-parenting situations, so all of those Different pieces.
Jenna:
So, whether it's pumping at work or taking breaks to breastfeed your child, I know that there are moms who are listening, who are daycare providers themselves, and you know, maybe you're working out a daycare in your child's in the daycare and so you're taking breaks to breastfeed your child, or You're breastfeeding in public, right. Or you're in a co-parenting situation where you and the child's other parent are not living together. Whether you have a formal agreement or not, you're in a situation where you're not with your child all the time, or at least you know for sure that you and the other parent are not on the same page. So if you're in those situations, I really encourage you to know your rights. I am not going to speak to in depth on what those rights are, but I will say that in Canada, in the US, in the UK, in Australia, in many different places, breastfeeding is protected and it's protected for you to pump when you are at work or separated from your child, and in many cases You're protected past a year to continue pumping.
Jenna:
It's not as if they only have to allow you to pump during the first year of life. Many, many cases you can continue to pump for as long as your child is breastfeeding, if you would like to. That's a whole other conversation on milk supply and whether or not that's necessary for you, but if you would like to, you can In many situations. Another one we breastfeeding in public and again, in many places in the world breastfeeding in public is Protected. You're allowed to breastfeed your child anywhere that you are Legally allowed to be with your child and in co-parenting situations. This one is more nuanced, of course, but there are precedents where Mothers are allowed to breastfeed and to continue breastfeeding. That's generally speaking for young children, but for toddlers as well, and so this that becomes a nuanced conversation that you'll want to have with your lawyer, and if you don't feel supported with your lawyer, then you'll want to find one that you do feel really supported with, that Understands your concerns and takes it seriously.
Jenna:
Otherwise, you'll want to look on government websites to find the information about your breastfeeding rights, whether that's pumping or breastfeeding in public and you can also consult local lactation professionals. Ideally, your local lactation professionals would know the local laws for you. However, that's not always the case, but your government websites will definitely have that information. It should have that information explicitly laid out for you.
Jenna:
I would recommend not just posting on Facebook groups. First of all, if you're in really, really big Facebook groups, they can tend to default to US law and, as I am in Canada, that wouldn't be applicable for me. Right, and this podcast is listened to all over the world I believe we're in over 50 countries being listened to every week. So you know, find the information that is relevant to you. And, like I said, facebook groups can often default to US law and they might just be misinformed. Right, you don't want to be getting legal advice from a Facebook group, but knowing your rights can really support you to feel grounded in your choices, of course. So if that's an area that you have felt judgment or pressure to wean, that can really, really help. And even if you're kind of aware of them but you don't know them, like verbatim, like you don't really know exactly what it says, look it up, it can take the. It can kind of release the pressure on you, right, like it can take the edge off of that nervousness that you might feel when you're pumping at work or when you're breastfeeding in public, right?
Jenna:
Okay, so my third piece of advice is to educate others, if you want to. This one is like I'm almost hesitant to say it, but it can be helpful to provide education for other people. But the reality is is that when we're in conflict with someone else, it's really never about what you think it's about. That's a pillar of peer joy. So I'm a certified peer joy parenting coach and that's like a core philosophy in peer joy parenting is that it's never about what you think it's about. There's always so many layers involved and when we look at this from different angles, different viewpoints, something like polyvagal theory, which is a big thing that I teach within my course on your breastfeeding story, nervous system regulation and all of those pieces. But to just touch on it very briefly here, a core philosophy within polyvagal theory is that story follows state.
Jenna:
So if a person is already feeling upset about something, essentially their body will be feeling that upset. Right, they're feeling agitated, they're feeling something about something else, but their brain's gonna kind of make up a story to explain why they're feeling that way. So they're not necessarily conscious of this, but it means that if they're already uncomfortable or upset about something else, it's possible that the fact that you're breastfeeding here becomes the issue, right, and they're not even aware that they're actually upset about something else. But they're just now upset that you're breastfeeding here, or that you're continuing to breastfeed this child, etc. Etc. So educating that person might not be very effective because they're upset and it's actually not about breastfeeding. So you can talk to them until you're blue on the face, but they're upset about something else and it's not actually gonna change anything. So that is important to remember.
Jenna:
If you're going to move into a space of education with somebody Now, it's also can be really helpful. If it's your partner and they're not super upset, you can tell from their body language that they're actually somewhat open and curious and they're saying things like well, why are you continuing to breastfeed? Right, like they're actually asking questions, they're not just casting judgments. Then education can be really, really helpful, and it's always important to move into the education from a state of curiosity, not assuming or taking a role where you know so much more than this other person and you're right and they're wrong, because you've already felt judged right. So you're just turning that judgment on them and it doesn't feel very good to be judged and it doesn't bring connection. It doesn't bring that reassurance. That is ultimately what you're looking for, right? It's what you're craving underneath it all.
Jenna:
Maybe you're feeling agitated on top of it, but it's really helpful to come at it from a place of curiosity, particularly if you are talking to somebody that really matters. Right, like your partner or like your parent or whomever you have this relationship with A random stranger. You know it might be a different story, but if you want to maintain that connection with that person and really highlight that judgment that you're feeling, then it's best to do this from a place of curiosity curiosity within yourself and curiosity for them too. And it can be helpful to say, hey, I'm feeling judged by this. I'm feeling like you don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing and how important this is for me. Would you like to learn more about it? Would you like to understand why I'm doing this, and then you can provide that education and that support. And the education can be facts, but it can be education about how you're feeling. It can be opening and saying hey, I actually really love breastfeeding a lot of the time and it's important to me because it's a fast way to put our child to sleep. And when you say these things, I feel misunderstood, I feel lonely, I feel afraid. Whatever things are coming up there, you can have those conversations.
Jenna:
So I want to come back to last week's conversation on boundaries as well, because this is the place where we can talk about boundaries again. If you listened to last week's episode, we can talk about that line. But boundaries are a line that separates, you know, one area from another area. So it's important to remember what is yours and what is theirs. Right, not crossing over that line to control them and change them, because that's kind of what they're doing to you in the first place. Right, coming over and trying to control you and change you. So if you're trying to change them and they're already trying to change you, like it's going to be futile, right? It's only going to lead to mental and emotional exhaustion. You're not going to feel better at the end of the day.
Jenna:
So always approach those educational kind of conversations without understanding of boundaries, without understanding of what is yours, what are you responsible for and what is theirs right, because you can bring that information out and they might have a reaction that's not very comfortable for you, but you can identify and remember that. That is their reaction, that's living inside of them, that's about them, it's not about you, right? And this leads us to number four. So number one was feeling grounded in your choices, or at least acknowledging that you don't feel grounded yet. Number two was knowing your rights. Number three was educating others if you want to. And number four is keeping yourself sane and safe.
Jenna:
So part of that is general self-care, of course, just if you can take care of yourself, perhaps there's certain people that you tend to feel judged around or they tend to say certain things. It can start with as simply as making sure that you've had something to eat before you see these people, because if you're hungry or thirsty, it's going to make those conversations so much harder, right? It's going to make that experience so much more intense. So start with that kind of self-care, but then block people or unfollow people, pages or groups on the internet, on social media, that you find difficult. It's totally possible for there to have been Facebook groups that served you in the past. That don't serve you anymore and you don't need to stick around, it's okay. You also don't need to change all of those people, right, like, so you don't need to be a keyboard warrior. That's not your job and your responsibility, so it's okay to let that go.
Jenna:
And it doesn't mean you need to cut people out of your life in real life, of course. But it's okay to also say there's certain individuals that maybe you only are around for short periods of time, right. Or perhaps you only are around them when your partner is there, too, or when your sister or someone that you feel really comfortable and confident with is there also right. It's okay to set those expectations for yourself, right? Or to set that safety for yourself, say I feel best about the situation when, and take care of yourself, do what you need to to feel safe in those situations, to feel loved, to feel reassured. So that might be not seeing them at all, it might be only seeing them in certain situations, it might be not having certain conversations.
Jenna:
It just might be as simple as saying I'm not going to talk about breastfeeding, thanks, right, or sleep, or the way your child's eating. It's okay to say I have this covered, I've got this, thank you very much. Or I'm not going to talk about blank anymore. Change the subject. I appreciate your concern. If I need any support in the future, I'll reach out to you, but I'm okay now, thank you.
Jenna:
That is respecting your personal boundaries. You know what you're okay with and what you're not okay with about how you are treating you in those moments, and so you're saying I'm not going to have this conversation anymore, thank you. That is identifying, setting that boundary, saying that's yours, this is mine, we're setting this limit right, setting this boundary, so that is okay and that is good. That is going to support you to feel relaxed, to feel calm and to ultimately be a better parent, right? And I want to just specify that that can go both ways, whether that's somebody who doesn't think you should be weaning, so you're not going to talk about weaning with them. Or somebody who doesn't think you should be breastfeeding, so you're not going to talk about breastfeeding with them. Or somebody who thinks that breastfeeding is causing all of your problems, right? Whatever that is. So, yeah, that would be number four keep yourself sane and safe.
Jenna:
And then number five is find that community that gets you. Find the Instagram pages, find the play groups, find those people that you feel celebrated with. Especially as women, I find we can feel like it's our job to educate people, like we kind of have to save people. So we almost end up sticking around or this is common, I will say, sticking around the people that make us feel the most stressed out and we stay around them because we think we have to do something about it. Right, it's our job to change this person and we can think that that's like a loving thing to do, but meanwhile that's not really respecting their boundary right. That's not really saying that's yours to take care of, that's who you are. I'm me, I'm going to take care of myself. So when you can identify that and find that separation, then you're free to go and find the things that really bring you joy and make you feel safe and really get you.
Jenna:
And now here's the craziest part about this it doesn't have to be right on paper. So even if it's somebody that maybe never breastfed their child, right, maybe that's a friend that never breastfed, because maybe the people who have breastfed into toddlerhood you don't feel good around, but the people who haven't, you feel great around. That is amazing. Find those people. Some of my absolute best friends have made very different parenting choices on me and yet we can really respect each other and there's beauty in those differences and we just enjoy being around each other. Right, and it's interesting. We can have conversations and learn from each other and we feel great about it. That's a wonderful thing.
Jenna:
So this could be again Instagram pages, Facebook groups, it could be play groups in your area. It can also be like a paid for membership or course, like mine on your breastfeeding story, where there's lots of other mamas who are in there who are on the same journey that you are right. It's, of course, things like my podcast, of course. Find these podcasts, find these resources that feel amazing to you, that nourish you, where you can feel free to be yourself. If you're struggling, you can totally reach out to me on Instagram, send me a DM. I'd love to hear from you. And if you also have a resource that you really love a page, a podcast, whether it's breastfeeding related or not let me know. I'd love to hear about it. I'd love to know what feels amazing and lights you up.
Jenna:
Okay, so to recap, social pressure and judgment around breastfeeding is totally real. Your experiences are valid. You're not crazy. And today's episode I talked about five different ways to navigate that. Number one is feeling grounded in your choices, or at least acknowledging that you don't feel grounded yet. Number two is knowing your rights right and whatever that is for your area. Make sure that you're looking up your local laws, your state, your province, your country. Number three is educate others if you want to. It can be a really great way to bring connection and it can also be quite exhausting. So it's not on you to do all that education if it doesn't feel right for you. Number four is keep yourself sane and safe.
Jenna:
So black unfollow people, pages, groups you know. Set up parameters when you're interacting with people that you find tend to leave you feeling judged or say things explicitly and set up supports around that so that you feel okay and have those conversations of you know. I have this covered, I'm not going to talk about this anymore and that kind of stuff. And then number five, lastly, find a community that gets you, whether that is online or in person, and be open to people that are. On paper that doesn't seem like the right fit, but in person it just feels really good to be around these people and you feel loved and accepted by them. All right, that is all from me today. Please shoot me up on Instagram at ownyourparentingstory. That's ownyourparentingstory. I'd love to hear from you. I will see you all next week.