I can't believe that this is episode 34. Of Start to Stop Toddler Breastfeeding Thirty-four episodes have been put out into the world! The feedback that I've received from all of you incredible listeners, tuning in from all over the world, has been really humbling. Honestly, I record these episodes in my little bedroom at my desk in the corner, talking to a wall and sharing my thoughts and experiences, both personally and professionally, right on toddler breastfeeding. Seeing how it has impacted you has been truly amazing. I've received countless DMs and emails from all of you, sharing how you've made changes in your breastfeeding relationship, how you felt like you were in a place that didn't feel good, and now you're in a better place, whether that's fully weaning, tandem feeding, or any other outcome. It's incredible to receive that feedback and see all of you flourishing. So, I want to thank you. Thank you, all of you, for that.
I have a workshop coming up very soon, and you can find the details in the show notes. There's probably a little promo ahead of this intro if you're listening to this within the first week or two of its first airing. If you're listening to this in the future, that's where I'll house the link to whatever current workshop I have available, whether it's live or pre-recorded. So, go and check that out. I'm really excited to have you join us live, and if you can't make it live, there will be a replay available for a limited time. Still, I encourage you to register. I'd also like to set aside half an hour to an hour at the end of the call just to chat with you, answer your questions, and hang out. So, please come to the class. I really want to see you there. Yeah.
So, putting all that aside, I sat down to put together the outline for today's episode, and as always, I'm overwhelmed by all the things I could share, yet somehow have a problem coming up with anything to share. But when I hit the flow with this episode, it really came together, and I'm excited to share it with you. It was born out of noticing the world around me, talking about breastfeeding after babyhood, especially after the first year. I've seen advice on Facebook groups, in parenting books, and even in breastfeeding support groups, but to be honest, much of it is frustrating.
In my humble opinion, it's extremely frustrating to read the advice that's out there. You'd think that after all this time, I wouldn't be frustrated by it anymore, that I would accept it. But it's just really difficult to see people talk about toddler breastfeeding the way they do. So, I've outlined three different types of toddler breastfeeding advice that I see in the world, whether it's on Facebook groups, parenting books, or support groups. I acknowledge that there is great advice out there, and if you've found it, that's amazing. But, by and large, the advice in our culture is quite rough.
The first type is behavior-focused advice. This one surprises me because it can even come from the most respectful, gentle, emotionally healthy, responsive parenting experts that I adore. Even when they talk about breastfeeding lovingly, they often frame it as a habit or behavior. They might say you need to tough it out or break the habit. This approach is quite rampant, and it stems from historical ideas that everything humans do is learned through punishments and rewards. This perspective has stuck around, especially when it comes to toddler breastfeeding. Many still view it as a holdover from when breastfeeding was essential for newborns, and they believe you need to help your child let go of it.
For example, advice like "breaking the sleep association with breastfeeding" persists, but this is a misconception. Breast milk changes throughout the day, and at night, it's full of sleepy hormones. Even if you think you don't produce much milk, breastfeeding at night provides your toddler with these sleepy hormones, supporting their sleep. So, it's not a learned behavior; it's a biological tool for sleep. This behavior-focused advice often prioritizes the parent's needs and may not fully understand breastfeeding physiology.
The second type I call fantasy-focused advice. This advice recognizes the incredible properties of breast milk and sees it as marvelous and miraculous. It goes as far as saying that trying to stop it at any moment is bad. This perspective believes that if you fully stay out of the way, breastfeeding will continue until the child no longer needs it. Stepping in the way of this process is seen as immoral or harmful to the child. While it's essential to celebrate the marvels of breastfeeding, this narrative can be overly idealistic and not always in the child's best interest.
I'm cautious about pushing back on this narrative, but I believe we need to strike a balance between appreciating the beauty of breastfeeding and understanding what's best for the child's development.
Like, it's normal, and it's an innate function of your body and their body, right? This isn't something that we've conjured up or created. So we need to remember that breast milk is still important. We need to share this because I think that if more parenting experts, who, again, I consider mentors and love, understood that, they might give different advice, but they don't, and that's okay. So from this fantasy-focused perspective, that becomes the primary message, sometimes the only message. However, what I think it's not recognizing, in the same way that behavioral-focused advice doesn't recognize the composition and normalcy of toddler breastfeeding and its importance, is the internal experience of the parent and how that affects the breastfeeding relationship.
The reality is that external forces can influence the frequency and duration of breastfeeding. Your internal experience matters, and how you feel matters. It's part of the external forces that impact your child's breastfeeding frequency, duration, and emotional intensity. We can't pretend that it doesn't exist. Ignoring it doesn't serve the parent-child relationship, just like pretending that the benefits of breastfeeding don't exist doesn't help either.
The fantasy-focused advice often promotes a mindset of "surrender; this too shall pass," where you accept hardships as your fate, believing that they won't last forever. Now, let's move on to the third type of advice that I see. This advice could fall into one of the other categories but is often given by people who understand the greatness of breastfeeding and the importance of the parent's experience. I call this overly generalized advice.
This advice is often prescriptive, insisting that "this worked for me, so it will work for you." It's like projecting our experiences onto everyone else, assuming that others think and feel the same way we do. The problem is that every breastfeeding family is unique. Breastfeeding in toddlerhood goes beyond just comfort or nutrition; it's complex. Assuming we know why a child is breastfeeding can lead to problems.
Many of these over-generalized methods can be hit or miss, and what worked for one family may not work for another. Every breastfeeding family is unique, and there's a reason why a child is breastfeeding. It's not just a habit. We are more than just a bundle of learned responses, and this understanding needs to apply to breastfeeding too.
So, we've covered the behavior-focused, fantasy-focused, and overly generalized advice, and I find that they often miss the mark and don't really help. They don't serve you or your child. So why do I still have hope, and what do I suggest you do?
I believe that even though most, perhaps all, the advice you've received about toddler breastfeeding is wrong, there is still hope. All that bad advice is external; it doesn't exist within you or your child. Your body knows how to produce breast milk without programming. It started this process on its own. There may be situations where something isn't right, but it's rare. Even if you've had to adjust a bit, your body and your child's body know how to adapt and change over time.
You can turn off the external noise, although it can be challenging. It's about tuning into yourself and the wisdom within. Your body's functioning unconsciously, but there's also wisdom in your own thoughts and ideas, even the negative ones. Even if it all feels overwhelming now, there is a way forward, and the answers are inside you.
This upcoming workshop is about designing your pathway to toddler breastfeeding mastery. It's called that because it's you and your relationship with your child that matter the most. No one is there with you in every moment. It's about finding support from a community that values your wisdom and helps you trust yourself more.
Community is important, but it should empower you to tap into your wisdom, not just tell you what to do. Ultimately, it's your relationship with your child, your knowing, and your ability to recognize and meet their needs in the moment that will carry you through. That's the best advice I can give you, and that's why I believe there is still hope.
I hope you can join me at the upcoming live workshop. You can find all the details and register in the show notes. If not, I'll catch you next week.