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So, you've got a clingy little one on your hands, right, Mama? This episode is dedicated to all the mothers out there who are feeling ready to wean, but their toddler isn't. You have a child who's constantly by your side, wanting to breastfeed for most of the day. It seems to be their deepest desire, which can be quite frustrating for you because you're ready to put a nice little bow on your breastfeeding journey and move on to the next chapter of parenting, but your child is not quite there yet. I'm going to talk about how you can support your child in transitioning to a stage where they are more receptive to the changes you're prepared for.
At the very beginning, I want to emphasize something that might seem obvious, but it's important for us to be on the same page. Regardless of what you've read or any step-by-step instructions you've come across, you can't magically alter another person's internal experiences and feelings. We can't flip a switch or follow a specific sequence of events to make your toddler ready to wean or move to the next stage of your relationship. This is something I've personally tried many times in various ways with my kids. I'd search on Google, Pinterest, YouTube, or Facebook groups for solutions to different challenges. I'd experiment with different tips and tricks, trying to prepare my child for the next step, be it weaning or any other transition. However, these approaches often fell apart after a week or more. My child would become hysterical, and it was a real struggle.
You might think, "Well, it worked for a friend," but various factors come into play here, such as your child's unique temperament and how their nervous system is wired, influenced by genetics and their upbringing (even things far outside of your control). This makes your child distinct and means that what worked for someone else might not work for your child. Therefore, it's crucial to focus on your child's individual needs rather than relying solely on what worked for others.
Now, let's discuss the role of internal experiences in your child's development. You can't change your child's internal experience, but you can control your own internal experience, or at least be aware of it. This is significant because your internal experience, whether conscious or unconscious, can affect your child's internal experience. As part of an attachment relationship, humans unconsciously influence one another through facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, and more. So, when you're stressed or fearful, your child will pick up on it, which affects their own internal experience. This is called attunement, and it's a fundamental aspect of human interaction.
For young children who are attached to their caregivers, how we carry ourselves, move, and communicate can have a significant impact on their internal experiences. It's essential to understand that this isn't your fault; you were doing your best in those moments. However, once you grasp this concept, you can empower yourself to make positive changes. The first step is to focus on your internal experience, work through your stress, and manage your emotions. This, in turn, will help you provide better support for your child to manage their stress and move towards weaning.
Let's talk about what I call the "toddler breastfeeding stress cycle." You may feel stressed for various reasons, which can stem from your beliefs, thoughts, and ideas about breastfeeding and toddler breastfeeding, many of which are influenced by cultural and familial norms. When your child breastfeeds, it can trigger these beliefs and thoughts, consciously or unconsciously. As a result, you might start feeling overwhelmed and believe that your child will breastfeed forever, leading to black-and-white thinking and catastrophic thoughts. This stress influences your body language, tone of voice, and the words you use, which your child picks up on. Young toddlers can only move through stress with the help of oxytocin, which they obtain through breastfeeding. They cannot self-regulate their stress until around the age of three. Therefore, when you're stressed, they feel it, and breastfeeding becomes their way of seeking comfort, creating a spiral of stress and breastfeeding. This pattern amplifies their clinginess and creates a push-pull dynamic.
It's important to note that you shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed about experiencing stress since it's a common aspect of human life. However, you need to acknowledge how stress affects your breastfeeding relationship and the frequency with which your child asks to breastfeed. While human children can breastfeed happily until age seven or older, waiting for your child to decide to stop on their own might lead to a long wait. Instead, you can work on managing your internal experience, which is what I specialize in. By doing this, you can reduce the intensity of your child's demands for breastfeeding, making the situation less stressful for both of you.
To achieve this, you must first address your internal experiences, particularly your stress, thoughts, beliefs, and feelings about various issues. By making these unconscious aspects more conscious, you can sort through them, respond with kindness and compassion, and regulate your own stress. Once you can self-regulate, you'll be better equipped to co-regulate with your child and help them manage their stress. This process can dial down the intensity of clinginess and the frequency of breastfeeding.
Reducing external stressors is the next step. Examine your child's environment and daily experiences to identify stressors that might be affecting them. By reducing these external stressors, you empower your child to handle the stress associated with weaning more effectively.
In summary, you can't magically make your child ready to wean, but you can equip them to face the challenge of weaning with resilience. Start by addressing your own internal experiences and stress, which will allow you to co-regulate with your child. Then, assess and reduce external stressors in your child's life. With this approach, you can work through the weaning process together, focusing on your child's unique needs. This is the first step in helping your child become ready to wean.
If you haven't already registered for my upcoming workshop on Friday, October 27th at 2 p.m. Eastern, please do so. You can find the link in the show notes or go to ownyourparentingstory.com/workshop. In the workshop, I'll dive deeper into these topics and answer your questions. Your situation is unique, and I want to provide guidance tailored to your specific needs. Even if you can't attend live, register anyway to receive the replay. I'm excited to see you all there! Stay tuned for the next podcast episode, where we'll discuss readiness from your perspective. Today, we talked about your child's readiness, and in the upcoming episode, we'll explore readiness for you. Thank you for tuning in.