"They swarm me whenever I sit down and will SCREAM until I breastfeed them - and then they are off to play. They never want snuggle without breastfeeding. I feel like all I am is a milk machine." <- Have you ever had these thoughts?
I know I have!
This week I challenge the cultural narrative that we are only milk machines, unpack the ways that this belief impacts our moment-by-moment breastfeeding, and leave you with some practical tips to connect with your child beyond the boob.
Note - I'll take things a little slower until the New Year, so stay tuned for new episodes on a slightly less frequent schedule.
Want to learn more from me?
Watch my free, instant access workshop:
Designing Your Pathway to Toddler Breastfeeding Mastery
Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide
Love this episode?! Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3
"They swarm me whenever I sit down and will SCREAM until I breastfeed them - and then they are off to play. They never want snuggle without breastfeeding. I feel like all I am is a milk machine." <- Have you ever had these thoughts?
I know I have!
This week I challenge the cultural narrative that we are only milk machines, unpack the ways that this belief impacts our moment-by-moment breastfeeding, and leave you with some practical tips to connect with your child beyond the boob.
Note - I'll take things a little slower until the New Year, so stay tuned for new episodes on a slightly less frequent schedule.
Want to learn more from me?
Watch my free, instant access workshop:
Designing Your Pathway to Toddler Breastfeeding Mastery
Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide
Love this episode?! Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3
TRANSCRIPT AUTO GENERATED
Back for another episode. Alright, I think I skipped last week. I'm 99 percent sure. Uh, I have been really tired lately. I've had a lot of health stuff going on the last year or so. Nothing too serious. Um, but it has absolutely impacted me day by day. And, um, I bring that up for a couple of reasons.
Number one, is that I'm kind of scaling back a little bit with the podcast through the holidays. I think I'll be posting like just a few episodes between now and Christmas and the new year. Um, so They'll be dropping. There'll be a few out there. I can't, I can't not post. I'm just, I have too much to share with all of you, and I want to encourage you where you're at.
So I'll, I'll be, uh, posting a little less frequent, frequently, but there will be episodes coming, um, as well with Instagram. I'll probably be a little less active on Instagram. I have been, uh, lately, but I didn't mean to ghost everyone. I'm just taking a little time here. And on the side, I also share that because the stuff that I have going on, I had to really pursue and investigate myself with, like, my doctor and, and encourage, um, different tests because it's not something that would have come up naturally.
And the fact that I'm a mom with little kids, feeling tired, uh, It feels like it's just par for the course, and a lot of times, um, I know in speaking with clients and friends, as well as in my own experience, it's really quick for things to get blamed on the fact that you have a child who might still wake during the night, and that can be part of it, but your body also goes through a ton of changes through pregnancy and postpartum, and sometimes new things pop up, so if, you know, you're really tired.
It may be worthwhile looking at some medical things, too, considering some blood work, maybe a sleep study, um, kind of other things. And I know a sleep study can be difficult if you have, you know, you're co sleeping and that kind of stuff. But anyways, I just share that because... If you feel like, I'm really, really tired, it might be worthwhile to have that looked into a little deeper.
And if somebody tries to tell you that it's just because you have little kids, um, say, that's great! And what would you do, or what would your comment be for somebody who didn't have little kids? Because it's very possible that the There can be things going on that are unrelated to that. And so it's worthwhile to investigate that and to take care of yourself.
Because you can be feeling better. You can be feeling better without having to radically change your parenting or all that kind of other stuff. So yeah, that's, I wanted to say that. Now, as for the topic of today's podcast episode, I have recently welcomed a wonderful new group into my program, Own Your Breastfeeding Story, and it has been amazing.
And just shout out to any of you guys who are listening right now. Um, and There's a component of the, uh, program where people kind of, like, submit things to me for, like, review, and there's just these themes that keep coming up, and I'm going to be talking about one of those themes today and sharing a few things and a few ideas with you, and I see this All the time with clients inside of my program.
I see it all the time on social media. And, uh, I just, I haven't really talked about it on this podcast. So I'm excited to talk about it today. And that is the idea that you are just a milk machine, that all your, your only purpose and role. As a mother, it's to produce milk or that that's all your child sees you as.
And this can pop up in so many ways in our own mind, um, as well. It's sometimes it's humorous, right? Like you can be scrolling through Instagram TikTok and, um, people have made like memes of, you know, how my child sees me and it's just like breasts on legs, right? Like, uh, and, and different things like that, right?
Like I, all I am is this Boob to my child. That's it. That's all the, that's the only connection that I seem to have with them. That's the only thing they ever want from me. They never want to just sit and snuggle. They always want to be breastfeeding. Um, and on the flip side, it can feel like you are the only one who can fulfill that role of breastfeeding.
And so it's like this two edged sword where on one hand, uh, you. Somehow feel this kind of sense of loss perhaps around these other ways that you could be connecting with your child. Um, and then on, on the flip side, your child seems to really need that breast milk and you're the only one who can do it.
So you've kind of have this, you, you know, you're, you're trapped or tethered to your child in this sense. And it can be really, really difficult to be in that place and to have those feelings and it can impact so many different areas of your life. So. What I want to share with you right now is like a little bit of psychology history.
So, if you have ever taken an intro to psych class, anything to do with, um, attachment theory or child development, you are likely familiar with this, but you might not have thought of it since you were in high school or university or whatever. So it might be kind of familiar to you.
And that is Harry Harlow and his monkeys. So, for those of you who don't know, in the 50s, um, well, and before that, but there was a psychologist named Harry Harlow who was studying I wanted to study attachment, essentially, and what happened when there was, um, separation between a mother and an infant. Now, um, there was other research going on at the time, other people studying this, and there was many, you know, social, political reasons why this was being studied.
And I personally find that fascinating, but I'm just going to set all that aside for today and just kind of focus on Harry and his monkeys. Now, I will say that his research is, uh, very or was extremely unethical and, uh, so it can feel a little bit challenging to hear about it and to talk about it. Um, I won't go into the some of the really dark stuff, but I'm going to talk about one element today and its relevancy when we're thinking of ourselves as, you know, Milk machines.
And one of the things that Harry Harlow studied was maternal separation, but one of the experiments he did was where he took these little baby rhesus monkeys, so like infants, very young, and he separated them from their mother, but he put them with surrogate mothers. And so there was two different types of surrogate mothers.
One was wire with wood, like wooden wire, um, and it had a bottle. That gave milk, like a nipple in a bottle that gave milk. And then there was another, uh, surrogate mother that was, again, the wire and the wood, but it was covered in terrycloth, so it was soft and comforting. And up to that point, this would have been, I think this particular experiment was done in 58 or 59.
Um, you'd have to fact check that, sorry. But up until that point, the pervasive idea around why a child would be attached to their mother was because, the mother provided nutrition. And again, this has to do with, um, you know.
behavioral psychology and learned patterns and, you know, rewards and punishments and this kind of stuff. But it all kind of culminated in this idea around maternal attachment, like a child attaching to their mother, uh, that it was simply because the mother provided nourishment. And so the child was attached to the mother because it needed to, to survive, because that's, you know, that's the only thing that was there.
And it's, it's kind of interesting to think about, you know, and today in 2023, 1958 or 1959 can feel like. You know, ages ago, in some ways, right? Um, but if you think back, generations in your own family, the year you were born, the year your parents were born, the year your grandparents were born, you'll probably see that.
Um, you know, you are likely still have relatives that were alive during that time, raising children during that time, and, uh, you know, maybe, maybe, you know. They might be getting older or maybe not alive, but you, you've definitely met them and you interacted with them, right? So the, the impact of that idea at that time, that main way of thinking, uh, trickles down, right?
We, it comes through, it impacts the way that we're, that, you know, you were raised, your parents were raised and the pervasive cultural messaging around things, right? So that was the idea at the time was that the only reason why children want to be around or babies need their mother is because the mother provides nutrition.
So, when Harry Harlow did his experiments with his little baby monkeys, um, he did a bunch of different experiments with them, but The, uh, results, essentially, were that the little tiny baby monkeys only went to the wire, uh, surrogate that produced milk, or that gave milk, only when they were hungry or thirsty.
Otherwise, they stayed with the comforting mother, the soft, teary coughed mother. And they would stay with that mother all the time, and then just scoot over to go and drink for, drink milk from the other one. Even when the, uh, little monkeys were put into situations that were scary or new or frightening, they were only able to be calm. When the, uh, cloth mother surrogate was present. If that mother wasn't there, then they would essentially just be paralyzed and like curl up in a little ball. It's super, super sad, guys. I'm sorry.
Um, but so what was learned from that was that actually little infants are attaching to their mothers for genuine comfort. Not just because of milk, not just because they are providing milk, but how does that belief still impact us that our child only wants to be with us because we are breastfeeding, right?
Um, so I want to explore a few ways that it does, continues to impact us, and I'll say that I've heard this from Brand new moms, right, that have little babies just a few days old, like, they only want me for my milk every time they're with me, they just want to breastfeed. And for those of you who've been breastfeeding for a year or more, you're like, of course, right, they're nine days old, they're two days old, they're, you know, three months old, of course they want to breastfeed all the time, and we can think about it logically, oh, they have these tiny little stomachs, and they need that nutrition constantly, and it all, you know, it makes sense, it's regulating their system, right, it's, Protective against SIDS.
It's all these things. And so it can make sense to us. But then as we move into the toddler age, older baby, toddler, preschooler, and it feels like our child only ever wants to breastfeed, um, we can still be confronted with that idea of like, all I do is make milk. That's all that I'm good for. That's the only thing they want from me.
They don't love me for me. We don't have a connection or a bond outside of our breastfeeding, uh, which can be very difficult. Right? So. That is one way that that belief impacts us. That belief that we are only food for our child. It can feel painful that our essence and our, you know, who we are as a person isn't being seen by this little little creature that we love.
So much, right? That our bond and our connection with them is reduced to this one thing, this one act. Another way that it can impact us is that it can feel like, well, I'm the only one who can produce this special kind of food, so great. Now they're super bonded to me, only my milk, and I'm the only one who can give it, so no one else can comfort them because it's only breast milk that comforts them.
Um, another way that it can impact us is around sleep, uh, where we feel like it's this sleep association that they have. They only will sleep with breast milk. That's it. Um, and you know, we're kind of trapped there to be the one destined to be providing them the breast milk and no one else can do that.
So, um, just to unpack those a little bit more. When we're feeling like our, who we are isn't being seen, it's painful, right? I think it's painful in so many respects, but when it comes to motherhood, transitioning into motherhood is just a massive identity change. Um, our societal role has shifted, the social connections we've had, friendships, right, have shifted, but Even just on a very practical day to day level, who we are, how we show up in the world, minute by minute has changed.
And in a lot of ways, we can really embrace that in the beginning, or maybe not, but for many of us, it's like, okay, you hit a certain point where you've started to hit your groove, and you're like, yeah, I'm in this thing, right? But then by 18 months, or two, or three, you're like, okay, I need something more than this.
And as much fulfillment as you might find in your parenting, it can feel, uh, just really difficult to have this thing that you care about so much, that you've invested in so much. And even maybe this fantasy of what it would mean to be bonded to your child and what your relationship would be like to not have that there can feel like rejection, which can feel really, really painful.
Um, I think it's interesting that when we go to breastfeed our children or begin the breastfeeding journey, a lot of things are something that Often is attractive about breastfeeding is the bond that we're going to have with our child through breast milk, right? We have this idea that somehow breastfeeding just is a different kind of bond.
And I'm not saying that it is or it isn't. Um, and I will say that there are wonderful bonding attributes of breast milk. Uh, and breastfeeding, you and your child both get that rush of oxytocin, that bonding hormone that's going to, that does connect you. And it comes quite effortlessly. Uh, I mean, obviously the breastfeeding.
Might not be effortless, um, but the, the oxytocin when you're breastfeeding is effortless, right? Like it comes, um, it's not something you have to work to create, but oxytocin can flow for many, many reasons and breastfeeding is not the only one. It's not the only thing that can bond you to your child. So the beginning it's attractive.
Oh, this is how we bond. But then that idea that like breastfeeding is how you're bonded can get stuck in there. Right. And it can feel like it's the only way that you're bonded with your child, especially when every time they ask. Or every time they see you, they're just asking for milk, and that's all they want to do.
Um, The other piece would be that others can't have that bond. Well, in the same way that you can have oxytocin flowing for many reasons, you can have that oxytocin flowing in many different relationships, right? So, um, Dads and, you know, partners and grandparents, babysitters, and all of the people can also form a bond with your child.
Bonds are not, attachments are not competitive. You don't compete for attachments. You can have multiple attachments with multiple attachment figures. And actually, the more attachments you have, the more resiliency that you can have. You really only need one strong, secure attachment in order to reap the benefits of secure attachment, The more that are there, right, the better.
That's not a bad thing. So, when it feels like your child is rejecting other people, too, like they don't want that comfort, but it can feel and reinforce that idea that it's all on you, you're in this alone. Uh, and then there is that idea of like, Breastfeeding being this like sleep association, so they're, they can only fall asleep with breast milk and that that has, um, you know, because you're the only one who can provide it.
Now, that's, that's it. That's all there is. Um, and I want to challenge that a little bit because yes, there can be sleep associations and there can be, uh, like things that we associate or like triggers that help us to feel calm and relaxed, but Sleep is way more complicated than that. And in order, like, it's not as simple.
That's, that's really that comes back to that, like, behavioral kind of view where it's like, um, you know, all we are, our whole being and who we are is just a response to stimuli, right? And I don't think that's true. Uh, and many others would argue that that's, it's not true either. It's much more complicated than that.
And in order to fall asleep, there are a lot of things that have to happen. It's quite complex in the body, and it's not just about having the trigger there to, you know, Lull you into a sleep and to cause you to move into that sleep state. Um, Connection, Safety are huge parts of it. There's also elements of like nervous system regulation that can be impacted from a really practical standpoint throughout the day.
Um, Nutrition, you know, how much movement has the child have, blue lights, all those things that can make an impact. And sometimes breastfeeding on a very biological, like, level, uh, like, chemical level in the breast milk. Breast milk contains things like tryptophan in the evenings and overnight. That is like a precursor to melatonin, so it supports the child to feel sleepy and to fall asleep.
Uh, so that, that's there, right? So when there are other things that maybe aren't... great in place around sleep, breast milk can kind of overcome some of those challenges. So, uh, it can still be a wonderful tool and it's never wrong to breastfeed your child to sleep if that's working for you. On the flip side, uh, there can be other ways to support your child to fall asleep too.
Uh, and you can have Breastfeeding as a way of falling asleep, just like you can have breastfeeding as a way of connection, and you can have other ways of falling asleep too, and other supports to fall asleep. Um, the same way that you can have other ways to connect with your child, right? So, that's kind of like three different Three different things, three different reasons, uh, ways that that belief will impact us.
And a lot of times because we have that belief, we actually, like, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy where we have this fear or this belief or this, you know, assumption that it's It's the nutrition, it's the milk that is causing my child to, uh, be connected to me. And that's all it is, and that's all it will ever be.
That's all it could ever be, because, you know, it just seems like that's it. That's all they want from me. And they want it all the time, um, and no one else can give that to them. And when we have that belief... What is the first thing that we offer our child? Breast milk, right? Or, we're very frustrated, stressed out.
This is that breastfeeding stress spiral that I've spoken about many, many, many times. You can go back through old episodes, check out my Instagram. You know, blog, all that kind of stuff. I talk about it a lot there if you're unfamiliar with it. But when we have that stress and that belief, when our child goes to breastfeed and they feel that stress, it can kick off that stress spiral, uh, in which your child's best bet at getting their needs met in the moment when they're stressed out.
Especially for toddlers is to breastfeed because breastfeed is going to give them what they need in order to calm their body down and feel safe and connected to you. But that just reinforces this belief that all you are is a milk machine, right? And so it becomes this really terrible, nasty spiral. So what can you do?
What can you do if you're feeling like the milk machine and that's all it is and all you are? Number one, I would support you to consider what things you are outside of that too, to other people even, outside of your child, because it's going to be difficult in that moment with your child too. So, think about that.
Um, I have, I remember I did The Artist's Way, uh, you know, when my daughter was maybe, I don't know, she would have been nine months, six months maybe, seven months, um, and that helped so much. I was doing those artist dates and just connecting with my creativity and who I am, uh, and that didn't even take uh, connecting with people outside of that.
It was really just me, myself, connecting back to myself and who I am and accepting myself so that I didn't need my child's acceptance, right? Like, I didn't, that rejection, quote, rejection that I would feel sometimes from my child didn't trigger me the same. It didn't impact me the same because I knew. I felt so good, um, about who I was and, uh, you know, I had all these other outlets to play and, yeah, I felt really great.
So, That's something that you can start with. Just kind of tapping back into what you love to do, your passions, your creativity, and just play, uh, in that area, right? Um, another thing is recognizing that This belief is there and that it's painful to think about that and to have that, you know, ideas pop into your mind and to just offer yourself some, some compassion for that.
Like, yeah, that makes sense. This has been a cultural belief that's been around for a really long time and, uh, That's how I was raised, right? My mother probably believed this, too, and her mother probably believed this, too. This makes sense, right? And then you can see what else is true. And that is some curiosity in that moment.
Uh, you know, I talk about this, the framework that I use in my breastfeeding, like, coaching program. Um, the three C's, and so that would be, like, compassion, and then moving into some curiosity, like, what else is here? And then creativity would be that third C. Okay, like, what Can we do differently now? So, I can offer myself that compassion.
I can look curiously. Are there other things going on here in this moment? Whether it's your child that's asking to breastfeed all the time, um, whether it's your child who won't accept, you know, um, consoling from anyone else, Anything like that. You can use that process. It makes sense that this is really hard.
And then also move into the curiosity. Okay, what else is here? What are some of the other things that are, that are here? Aside from just the breast milk piece, right? And then creativity. Okay, is there another solution? Is there something else that we can do to meet these needs that are present? Um, what changes can we make in order to make this move more smoothly in the future?
So for, um, You know, for example, if you have that belief that's coming up all the time that you are just a milk machine and it's uncomfortable to think that, so instead you are, uh, getting distracted with, you know, Instagram or Netflix or whatever on your phone, then your child's coming to breastfeed and you're not really, like, spending any time with them, any moments with them.
While they're breastfeeding, uh, you know, that can kind of reinforce this, this cycle, right? Because they're not getting that connection that they actually really want from you, or not totally getting it, right? And it can feel like you are not getting it either. But you're the one who can, if you recognize that, you can say, okay, it makes sense that I feel this discomfort inside and I'm turning to my phone in those moments.
So you can put the phone down too, right? And, or maybe not, if you don't want to, that's okay. But I'm saying you can, if you want to, and maybe take a few moments to soak in. that moment with your child. I remember, uh, going through this when my daughter was about 15 months old. Just realizing that I had been, a lot of times when she would ask to, for me or ask to connect with me, I wasn't really fully connecting with her in that moment.
I would, you know, think that I needed to foster some more independence or I needed to, you know, do whatever, all the things, right? Or, you know, or that I would have these thoughts like, oh, I can never get anything done. But what I would find is when I would do that and have those thoughts, it would just create more of this tension.
And the crying and the kind of back and forth of me like half settling her and then going back would last even longer. But if I was able to just be like, oh, I'll just meet her where she is right now and This is, you know, she needs this connection right now, and I want to connect with her desperately.
And that's the thing about this belief, too, is that we believe that we're not able to connect with our child outside of that milk, right? Like, so, to meet her there and connect with her and make that eye contact, if that's, you know, that was something that was important for me, but... Whatever that is for you, and meet her there in that moment.
Um, I actually found that there was a lot more space in my day, and a lot less frustration, and I had a lot more time for other things. Now, by no means am I suggesting that you are causing your child to be upset, or doing anything like that. Or, you know, any kind of problem. You guys are both doing the absolute best you can.
I fully believe that. But I also know that if the cycle is there and it's present, try it. Try some self compassion. Try some curiosity and creativity and see what happens. Because we do know from Harry Harlow and his monkeys that you are so much more than just milk. So much more than just milk to your child.
Um, so. That is all that I'm sharing today. My dears, if you want to connect over on Instagram, I'd love to hear from you. I am over there. I'm just not posting as much. You know, um, yeah. All right. I will catch y'all next week.