The shirt-pulling, screaming, and demands to breastfeed have gotten to the point that you find yourself dreading them before your toddler has even thought about breastfeeding again.
When they do, inevitably "ask" to breastfeed, the fear of reinforcing all of their bad behaviors reverberates through your body as you quickly try to decide if you will hold the boundary; or give in to their demands this time.
...and the guilt that comes from the fact that they "act" so poorly can be crushing. Did you cause this behavior with your bad parenting? Will they end up as disrespectful teenagers? Will the choices you make today define their character as adults?
Man - the pressure that mounts in those moments is crushing!
But what if there is another way?
In this final podcast episode of season 1 of Start to Stop Toddler Breastfeeding I break down:
Looking for the episodes I mentioned at the beginning to re-listen to during the holidays?
References:
Harvard Making Caring Common Project
Want to learn more from me?
Watch my free, instant access workshop:
Designing Your Pathway to Toddler Breastfeeding Mastery
Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide
Love this episode?! Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3
The shirt-pulling, screaming, and demands to breastfeed have gotten to the point that you find yourself dreading them before your toddler has even thought about breastfeeding again.
When they do, inevitably "ask" to breastfeed, the fear of reinforcing all of their bad behaviors reverberates through your body as you quickly try to decide if you will hold the boundary; or give in to their demands this time.
...and the guilt that comes from the fact that they "act" so poorly can be crushing. Did you cause this behavior with your bad parenting? Will they end up as disrespectful teenagers? Will the choices you make today define their character as adults?
Man - the pressure that mounts in those moments is crushing!
But what if there is another way?
In this final podcast episode of season 1 of Start to Stop Toddler Breastfeeding I break down:
Looking for the episodes I mentioned at the beginning to re-listen to during the holidays?
References:
Harvard Making Caring Common Project
Want to learn more from me?
Watch my free, instant access workshop:
Designing Your Pathway to Toddler Breastfeeding Mastery
Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide
Love this episode?! Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3
Hello! It has been a little while since I have, put out a new podcast. I have been sick. The last one I recorded, I was just beginning to be sick, but it has taken me weeks to recover, and I'm still recovering. But my voice is a lot better, and my mind is a lot clearer, so I feel like I can get this podcast out to you.
And it is timely if you're listening to this when it is coming out. It is the holiday season. It is mid to late December, [00:00:30] and many of you are traveling, visiting with family more, being around more people in public for events and parties, and as a toddler breastfeeding mom, that can often stir up a lot of stress.
That public nature of your breastfeeding, It isn't something that you likely experience on your average day to day, but then when you are around more extended family and [00:01:00] even strangers, and your kids can be more overstimulated and maybe even be asking to breastfeed more, it can put some pressure on that.
It can start to feel, , challenging and extra difficult. So the topic for today's podcast episode is breastfeeding manners. this is the way that you want your child, ideally, to interact with you while breastfeeding, right? it's something that I hear about a lot. I honestly, after I had my daughter, she was still quite young, like a couple months old.[00:01:30]
I heard a lactation consultant, talking about toddler breastfeeding and she talked about toddler breastfeeding manners. , so it was a concept that I was introduced to. very early on in my breastfeeding journey. And I kind of took it for granted at that point. I just thought, well, you just teach your child manners, but it's not quite that simple.
And so we're going to be digging into that today. I'm really excited to do that with you. I've been thinking a lot about this.
B ut I also want to give you a little extra support for holiday [00:02:00] stuff and the things that you might be navigating over in the next few weeks.
So I'm going to just quickly mention a few previous episodes that you might want to have a re listen to, if you would like. I'll link them in the show notes. Uh, the first one would be episode 25. Which is 5 Ways to Navigate Judgment and Social Pressure while Extended Breastfeeding. It was a pretty popular episode and I, yeah, I go through some really practical strategies, when [00:02:30] to use what strategy, and a lot of people really enjoyed it when I put it out previously. T hat's there for you if you would like some strategies around navigating people saying not so nice things or behaving in not so nice ways, around your toddler breastfeeding.
Then the next one I would mention is episode 23, which is Cavities, Teething, and Toddler Biting While Nursing. So, uh, in this episode, I do get into some cool science around [00:03:00] toddler breastfeeding. So, if you are looking to feel a little more fortified with your information, uh, this, this could be a really great episode.
It's also, things that people often Comment on, right? You know, don't they bite? Going to get cavities. You need to stop. So it can feel great to have that information and feel more secure in your choice. And then there's episode 20, which is Breastfeeding a Sick Toddler. And I go into a lot of the composition of breast milk in that episode.
So [00:03:30] again, some really great information that you might want to have on hand. Those conversations, or at least just have inside of you to feel confident around your choices. As well, it is this time of year when kids are sick, so you might just want to have a listen to that episode if you are breastfeeding a sick toddler.
Then there's episode 13, which is on milk supply, maintaining, upping, and drying up after the first year. Again, that science, that information might answer some questions that you have. It can also help you to [00:04:00] feel more confident if these conversations come up. And then the last one I would suggest having a re listen to if you would like would be, uh, picky eating and breastfeeding.
So that's episode 12. And in that episode, I interviewed, a registered, pediatric dietician and IBCLC Kristen Parks. And we, yeah, we talk about Picky eating and breastfeeding in toddlerhood, which when you're having family meals and there are difficult dynamics, a picky eating toddler can feel [00:04:30] particularly stressful, right?
Whether it's spoken out loud or not, it can feel like an invitation for a lot of opinions. And so that episode can support you to feel confident again in your choices, but also give you some strategies to navigate that. , so those would be the five episodes I would recommend. Those are all linked in the show notes. Of course, you can listen to them on whatever podcast player you are listening to.
So they're there for you.
All right. So getting into the topic for today, which is breastfeeding manners. Okay. A lot of [00:05:00] times we feel the need to have breastfeeding manners because our children. Young toddlers, right? We're talking about here, our one year old, two year old, three year old, even four or five year old,, are demanding around breastfeeding.
And often that looks like a lot of shirt pulling, um, or perhaps like tantruming, like big emotions, yelling, screaming, even hitting, kicking, biting when they're asking to breastfeed. And, uh, this is a real sore spot for a lot of [00:05:30] toddler breastfeeding families. It often does get worse or it feels more intense when you're in public.
You're feeling that judgment, right? And a lot of times parents will express to me that they're feeling disrespected by their child or they're worried that their child isn't behaving respectfully around them. And with that comes worrying what others might think.
Others might think that your child is being disrespectful, right? And so, let's Pull that apart a little bit. You know me, I go underneath these things. Let's dig a little deeper. If we look at the [00:06:00] definition of respect, and this I grabbed off of Google, you can go Google respect definition and have a look yourself.
Uh, but it's a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something. Uh, and that could be elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. And I think when we're talking about our children and their feeling of respect for us, probably not really looking at our abilities or achievements so much, but likely our qualities, right?
So consider for a moment, do you think that your [00:06:30] child has a deep feeling of admiration for you? and who you are. Do you think that when they're pulling on your shirt or demanding to breastfeed that they're doing that because they don't admire you? Because they don't feel connected to you? Because they don't respect you?
Is that really what it's about? There's also an a definition that I think comes up in this kind of context of respect [00:07:00] when we're talking about a regard for the feelings, wishes, rights, or traditions of another. So it feels like in that moment, like our child is not regarding, caring about, thinking about our feelings in that moment.
So we're feeling disrespected because we don't feel like our child is considering our feelings or wishes or rights in that moment. They don't respect that our body is separate from theirs and that we might want something different done with our body. That's. Valid. Right? It's not fun to have somebody [00:07:30] doing something to your body that you don't want them to do, and that feels really difficult.
But again, when we're talking about a toddler, is it really, is it appropriate to expect your toddler to be able to know your wishes and respect you and know the rights that you have with your body? Now, I hear you long term that that is something we want to develop in our children. That is important. I understand that.
But when we're talking about [00:08:00] a child, a young child, it's not necessarily, it isn't appropriate to , expect them to be able to do that. The reality is, is that empathy, which is really what that is, right? The ability to understand and respect someone else's wishes and desires. That separateness, that ability to say, Whoa, I have feelings and you have feelings, and they're not the same thing.
Right? Now, when you think about that, like, there's a lot of [00:08:30] adults that don't understand that, right, which can partly be why we fear that, why we fear our children not being able to do that. Um, but that ability doesn't begin to develop until age four, and it is very much in its infancy at age four. So, we need to really consider.
Is it appropriate to expect our child to be able to understand that we have a right to our own body? Um, especially in a moment when they're stressed. I'm going to get into that a little bit more. Now, I, [00:09:00] I'm not saying that we don't, uh, enforce that or model that. I'm going to get into that for sure. But that feeling, a feeling disrespected when your child's pulling on your shirt.
What if we look at it in a different sense, a more appropriate, developmentally appropriate sense, where that respect is actually their admiration for us, their, um, you know, sense of connection to us, the way that they look up to us. And that's a good place to consider. Is my child really disrespecting me right now?
And I [00:09:30] imagine that if you really pause and take a moment to just consider that, that you'll see the way your child looks at you, right? I did, I think it was my last episode was on, um, Confessions of a Milk Machine. And I think that if you're interested and you feel like, I don't know, I don't feel like my child's connected to me, go and have a listen to that episode because I think that that will support you.
But for many of us, we can see, whoa, my child like looks up at me with these twinkly eyes and. I know that [00:10:00] they, they admire me, that they respect me in that sense, right? That they feel connected to me, that there's a love and a deep, deep admiration and affinity for me. And that can help to ease that sense of discomfort around that feeling of, of being disrespected.
So, um, the, the next thing to consider. So it's that the first thing that we're considering here is. Is the demanding and shirt pulling actually disrespectful? Is it? Is it or [00:10:30] isn't it? What's actually happening here? Because that disrespect, the idea that it's disrespectful is actually a story and a feeling that we are having.
We don't really know what's happening inside of your child because they have their own little brain, their own little body, right? They're separate. Um, which is what we want them to understand, right? But we have to understand that about them too. So that's actually a story that's in your own mind. So it's worth questioning that.
Is that true or isn't that true? Seeing that as like something that's a little bit separate from reality. That's actually a story and a meaning that you're putting [00:11:00] on the, more neutral facts that are happening here, which is your child is. Pulling on your shirt. Even the word demanding is a story.
There's a meaning behind it, right? They're actually maybe using a loud voice, right? Um, would be a more neutral way of describing that.
So, what we want them to do often is use words like please and thank you and to ask, ideally with please, before they breastfeed. So, This is a societal cultural expectation, please, [00:11:30] thank you. We often take these for granted, they're considered the magic words. Let's, again, dig a little deeper into these phrases. Please and thank you. The phrase or the word please is used to mean if you please. That's what we're really saying when we add the word please to a request.
We're saying if it please. And It's really the opposite, uh, [00:12:00] intention that we often use in society, whereas it becomes this magic word. Like, if you say please, then it will happen for you. It's magical. You say please, and that thing happens. If you don't say please, it won't happen. But the reality is that if you please is actually It's polite because it's letting that person, like, letting the obligation go.
So you're saying to that person, can you do this for me if it pleases you? So you're actually freeing that person up to make a choice when you [00:12:30] use that in the, you know, truest sense. If it pleases you, if you desire to do this for me, could you do that for me? Uh, whereas often in society we're using it and we kind of train our kids to understand that it's, it's almost this manipulation where it's like you use please and it happens, right?
So to Have the ability to allow that person the freedom of choice in that moment requires a great deal of emotional intelligence and emotion regulation, right? Because then you have to release [00:13:00] whatever their choice is. You have given them the freedom now, if it pleases you, if it pleases you to do that, that means that whatever happens, you're going to be okay with if they do it or if they don't do it, right?
You are now putting the ball in their court. So to speak. You're making a request, and it's now theirs to take care of. Their choice to make. Which is often not the way that we treat The phrase, please, or the word, please, in those contexts, right?
Then, of course, there's thank you. And thank you [00:13:30] is actually expressing gratitude.
It's expressing gratitude. And gratitude is something that exists inside of a person. It's a state. It's a feeling. It's an emotion, right? Feeling grateful for something. Giving thanks for something. And when it becomes this obligation, a thank you, It's hollow. It's not authentic, right? So, to, uh, require a thank you means that you're [00:14:00] requiring an action.
You're requiring this behavior. Say thank you, right? But it doesn't necessarily mean something. So, it's much more meaningful and provides a much, yeah, a much more beautiful So, connecting moment when that thank you actually comes from a true place of gratitude. And so teaching your child to say thank you isn't necessarily teaching them to understand or reflect or cultivate that gratitude and grow that gratitude and that gratefulness, right?
So [00:14:30] It's not as simple as just saying, oh, you need to say please and thank you, right? If your child goes to breastfeed and you're like, oh, you can only breastfeed when you say please, are you really teaching your child how to respect someone else's choices and desires? Not really, right? Or if you're requiring them to say thank you after they've been given the breast milk, again, it's not really about their internal experience and them knowing themselves and saying, I feel grateful.
I want to say thank you.
. It's [00:15:00] sophisticated social and emotional intelligence and awareness that's happening in those moments to have that kind of interaction. And it's developed over time, a long time. I'm going to get into just in a moment about what you can do, but I just want to share with you that.
That is something that I felt strongly about long before I had kids, uh, and I've never required my kids to say please or thank you. Now, of course, you have your own values, and I'm not suggesting that you need to follow in my footsteps here by any means, but I, I feel like it's worth [00:15:30] exploring this topic.
And I just say that because my kids are now four and six, and they actually use please and thank you all the time. Now, when they're super stressed out, if they're frustrated, That doesn't happen, right? But that makes sense because they don't want to give the other person the ability to say no. So, of course, they're going to demand it.
I'm using air quotes right now. Um, because they don't, that's not authentic to them in that moment. And of course, if they're really frustrated or, you know, [00:16:00] whatever's happening and they're given something, they don't feel grateful for it. So, they're not going to express that gratitude with a thank you, right?
Um, but the The support that you can offer them is the ability to reflect back on those moments like later on and start to cultivate that gratefulness and that gratitude. So something that you can do, um, is have them talk about the things that they really loved during the day and the things that they didn't love during the day.
You can do highs and lows. You can call it like a gratitude list [00:16:30] or. Things that they were thankful for, grateful for. That can be a difficult concept for like a two or three year old, but as they get older, you can use that kind of language. But even just saying, what did you like about today? Can start to use that muscle and there's the skill of reflecting and noticing.
Oh, I was, I really liked that. Um, and that kind of leads me into the next piece. Uh, well, okay. I'll just say that when you do that piece, like when you are supporting that reflective [00:17:00] journey, you're modeling for them too. So we're going to get into modeling in a second as I look at my notes to say next piece, I have another piece before we get into the modeling piece and we'll get there.
Um, but I just, I want to, Yeah, share that with you, that please and thank you are very sophisticated concepts that we do a disservice, I think, to our children when we just require like this rote please and thank you and we're not really doing the work to help them appreciate what those phrases really mean [00:17:30] and cultivate that.
That sense of allowing that person to have true choice over their own actions, right? The separateness there to say, if it pleases you, as well as the reflective ability to say, Whoa, I am grateful for that. Thank you for that. Uh, and I'll say, like I've said, my own kids, right? I didn't force it to them, but when they say, thank you, it's so genuine.
Like they are truly saying, thank you, mom. Thank you for doing that. And I love, like, I love hearing them say it because I know how much meaning [00:18:00] is there.
Okay, so what can you do if the shirt pulling and, you know, demanding to breastfeed isn't really about a matter of respect or disrespect? If it's not even appropriate necessarily to expect your child to be able to see that separateness between you and them and understand that you have thoughts and feelings and desires, and if please and thank you just requiring them to say it isn't really enough, then what, what can you do?
So the first thing that I want to talk [00:18:30] about here is actually what not to do, uh, and I kind of said what not to do with the please and thank you, but don't take a behavioral approach to their behaviors around breastfeeding. So a behavioral approach would be focusing on their behaviors, trying to use praise or rewards to encourage the behaviors you want to see, um, and then on the flip side, using consequences to discourage the behaviors that you don't want to see.
Okay. Now in. Our modern parenting [00:19:00] world today, well, there are so many people that use punishments and consequences. Many parents aren't really comfortable with that anymore. Um, they might use some level of consequences. Maybe they use more logical consequences or natural consequences.
And I could do a whole podcast episode on that. Um, But when we're talking about breastfeeding manners, often it's more the reward and praise side of things that parents fall on, right? We're talking about positive parenting, gentle parenting, conscious parenting, all of those different, [00:19:30] um, styles of parenting, respectful parenting, responsive parenting.
Many people in those camps shy away from using punishments. Now, I want to share with you that the, the kind of popular culture understanding around rewards and punishments isn't Uh, true to the psycho, like, psychology understanding of rewards and punishments. When we're talking about rewards and punishments, there's actually two different [00:20:00] elements to consider.
So there is reinforcement and there is punishment, and that's the ideas that are used in, in psychology and particularly around behavioralism. So there's positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, and then positive punishment and negative punishment. So reinforcement is An attempt or it's a, it's a something that is being done to increase the likelihood of a specific behavior.
So it's, you're normally trying to reinforce a good quote, good [00:20:30] behavior, behavior you want to see reinforced. And then there's punishment, which is something that's done. To decrease the likelihood of an undesirable behavior. And positive is when you're doing, you're adding something, you're doing something to increase the likelihood of the, of the behavior you want or decrease the likelihood of the behavior you don't want.
And then there's negative where something is being removed to increase the likelihood of a behavior you want or, uh, In the sense of negative punishment, it would be removed to decrease the likelihood of a behavior [00:21:00] you don't want. So, what does that mean? You can Google this if you're curious. That might have just sounded like a whole bunch of jumbled words, and you're like, I don't, I'm not tracking.
We often use both reinforcements and punishments as rewards. And it means that when you're doing something positive, there's actually always a flip side to that positive. So, most often, parents are actually focusing on the negative behavior. Um, there Trying to use a reward [00:21:30] to stop the negative behavior, so they're focused, again, on that negative behavior.
So when you're using a sticker chart for every time that your child doesn't do something, for example, that is adding something to decrease the likelihood of a behavior, so that's actually a positive punishment. And when you are, Withholding something in order to make your child change their behavior, so you're withholding breast [00:22:00] milk until they act a certain way, so that they don't, like, you're withholding it while they are misbehaving, while they are demanding, while they are shirt pulling, you're actually removing something to decrease the likelihood of that behavior, so you're removing breast milk.
If you stop breastfeeding while they're While they're doing those things, you're removing something that they want. So that's negative and you're doing it to decrease the likelihood of an undesirable behavior. So it's actually punishment. So when you are thinking about punishment and all of that punishment means, which I don't have time [00:22:30] to in this podcast episode to dig into that, um, But you're actually, it's punishment, it's not rewards.
And that also means that every time they expect a reward. So when you've gotten into the habit of using praise or different things to encourage that good behavior, which is then, you know, positive reinforcement would be, um, adding in praise to encourage the, the good behavior. But then you don't. Give that praise and [00:23:00] other times, that's actually a form of like a negative experience for your child, even if it feels neutral to you, it there's a flip side to it, right?
And so often in the idea that we're using this like positive parenting and that kind of stuff where we're focusing on the positive, just the removal of that positive is a negative experience for your child, right? And so you're actually using that negative experience to shift and change their behavior.
So what's the problem with that? That is a very standard approach to [00:23:30] parenting in the mainstream world. Here is where it is difficult, is that your child doesn't begin to develop impulse control until age four. And that's begin to develop impulse control. They are working on that impulse control until they're 25.
And then even then, sometimes as adults, we need more support to work on impulse control. So, If you are using punishments and rewards to support your child, that's the [00:24:00] thinking is that you're like, well, I'm going to incentivize them to change their behavior. Changing their behavior is actually outside of their control, especially when they don't have that impulse control, because if they get an idea in their head or something comes into their head, they have a difficult, an extremely difficult time.
And if they're under age four, they can't stop themselves from doing that thing. It's really difficult sometimes to sit with that and say, whoa. They're also not consciously able to regulate themselves, which means moving themselves from a state of stress to a state of calm. [00:24:30] And a lot of times, parents are, hoping to extinguish or, or get rid of those stress behaviors, which is the kicking, the pulling, the screaming, the, you know, the not using the please and thank you.
And when they're in that , Stress State. They will not act in a calm way, right? And those are the behaviors we don't like. So that's the stuff we're likely to, uh, you know, remove the positive things around, make sure we're not reinforcing that behavior.
But in actuality, Like, so we're waiting until they're in [00:25:00] a calm state to give them that thing, right? So that we can be reinforcing the good behavior, but in actuality, they are not in conscious control of their ability to regulate their stress. They can't on their own move from a stress state to a calm state.
They require co regulation. They don't, do not have the brain wiring and the circuitry in their body in order to move themselves from that state of stress to that calm state. So, It also means that when they're in that stress state, the hitting, the screaming, the kicking, all that stuff isn't really within their control, right?
Right? They don't [00:25:30] have that impulse control. So using this behavioral mindset of, well, I'm going to just withhold the good things until they act the way that I need them to act or want them to act, it backfires. It doesn't work. And a lot of times for parents who use that approach, it starts to quote work around age six or seven, like five, six, seven in that stage.
And that is when Developmentally, they're actually able to have impulse control. They're more able to [00:26:00] access that. They're able to have empathy. They're able to think about others. And again, it's just beginning. It's not reliable, but it's beginning there. And that's often when they start to see the fruit of their behavioral approach, but it's not really the fruit of the behavioral approach.
It is just developmentally, they're at a state where they're now able to do those things. They weren't able to do it before. So. Consider that, right? Think about that. Don't go into the behavioral approach. It's just, it's not going to support you. And this is really, really difficult when our culture is just [00:26:30] steeped in that, especially around parenting.
Um, and when you have that feeling of, Oh, what are others thinking about me? And all of this kind of stuff, it can really feel like you have no choice but to praise the good behavior and, you know, withhold, which is actually punishment, right? During the bad behavior. Um, and of course, good and bad that I'm using those phrases, but there is no good or bad behavior.
It's just, it is behavior, right? Like they're in a stress state or they're in a calm state. They're only able to do what they can do, especially when we're talking about two, three, [00:27:00] four year olds, right? So what can you do? That's what not to do.
What can you do is support their needs in the moment. Kids do better when they can.
All humans do better when they can. So why are they pulling on your shirt? Are they stressed? Are they overwhelmed? Are they hungry? Are they thirsty? Are they too hot? Are they too cold? Are they bored? Are they feeling disconnected from you? What is going on that is like causing [00:27:30] them to have that behavior?
The demanding, the shirt pulling, whatever that is. Now, if they're in a stressed state that's very obviously stressed, like they're screaming, they're kicking, they're doing that stuff, they need help to calm down first. Nothing else will work. Um, so they need that co regulation and you need to start with that calm space yourself.
So, calming yourself first, just having them do a breathing technique, uh, when you are in a stressed state isn't going to regulate them, right? They don't need a tool to [00:28:00] regulate them. They need you to regulate them. They need your calm. They need, it happens on an unconscious level. So it's not just about you saying, okay, well use your tool.
You know, it's not just that they can't remember to take deep breaths in the moment. That's not the problem. The problem is that they don't have the ability to, on their own, take those deep breaths and have it calm their body, right? They need your calm presence. They need to feel connected to you in that moment in order to calm their stress state.
If you're having them take deep breaths [00:28:30] while you're taking the deep breaths, that's great because you're working on calming yourself. You have the circuitry for that deep breath to mean something. Now, I would encourage you that if it's something that's happening all the time for you, you got to dig a little bit deeper.
Um, because Breathing in that moment is helpful, don't get me wrong, but it's just going to kind of like deal with a little bit of the surface stress, you can get deeper and really dig into that. It's kind of like a way to hold you over until you can deal with some other stress in your body. [00:29:00] Um, but it can be helpful, right?
So if don't just have them do the deep breathing or don't just tell them to do, do the deep breathing, you do the deep breathing, right? And if they happen to come along, that's awesome. Um, but you know, it's really about you. Being calm, because co regulation isn't something that I can just tell you how to do.
It's actually your calm state being physiologically shared with them. So they are seeing, like, subtleties in your body that's supporting them in the tone of voice that you're using. Sometimes it's a [00:29:30] hug, sometimes it's an embrace. And sometimes it's just seeing your relaxed posture that's actually, and the twinkle in your eye, the love in your smile, right, that's supporting them.
Or maybe seeing their own emotion kind of reflected back to them in an empathetic way on your facial expression that's helping them to regulate and calm their bodies. So that's where you really need to find that calm yourself. Um, so, support their needs in that moment, right? Like, maybe they're not in that super strong, like, big stress state.
Maybe [00:30:00] they're just a little bit stressed out. And so they're pulling on your shirt, and you're at a picnic outside in the heat, and They're actually looking to regulate their body temperature by being close to you. They don't necessarily know that consciously. They're just like kind of desperate in the moment, like, so maybe they need to, you know, have a cool drink or be in the shade or, you know, and maybe breastfeeding is a great way to do that for you.
Um, but if you're focused on the how that they're asking, that's going to You know, only add to the stress and it's actually just going to create a whole new [00:30:30] layer of challenge in that moment. Uh, so yeah, meet that underlying need.
And then here is something that I hinted at before, but modeling the behavior.
This is really, really important. Modeling the behavior you want to encourage them to develop. So think about the actual behavior you want to encourage them to develop, it's not just the Using the please and thank you, and it's not just acting respectfully around other people, but it's actually feeling the respect for someone else.
Seeing that [00:31:00] someone else has needs in that moment, that seeing that another person might be experiencing something different than they're experiencing. And, uh, that's empathy, right? And again, that begins to develop around age four. But you're, you're always modeling that and supporting them. Now this requires some work from you because like I said, most of us reach adulthood still lacking in this area.
So we can also consider that when you are taking that moment to consider your child's needs, [00:31:30] that is modeling empathy for your child. That actually is what you want them to do for you. Right? That's what you, that's what that respect is. You want them to see that you have needs and that you are separate from them and that you have a feeling about their, the way that they're acting and that they should change their behavior because of that.
But if you're able to see that your child has a need in that moment, You're able to say, well, they're, they have something inside of them that's different than me, than what I'm feeling in this [00:32:00] moment. That is empathy. And when you can access that and you can support your child, that is what you're doing.
You are teaching your child how to respect you because you're respecting your child. Right? And so that is modeling respect. Now, that's just one way that we model it, right? It happens in lots of other ways too, um, but that, that is one way. And another way, of course, is using please and thank you authentically yourself.
, just allowing that when you say please, that you're really [00:32:30] freeing up obligation for that other person. You're saying, yes, if you please, if it pleases you, right? Um, and Then using thank you in a way that's genuinely grateful, right? Like there's genuine gratitude behind it. I just would love to read a quick quote here.
This is from the Harvard Making Caring Common project. "So, children learn empathy both from watching us and from experiencing our empathy for them. When we empathize with our children, they develop trusting, secure attachment with us. Those attachments [00:33:00] are key to their wanting to adopt our values and to model our behavior and therefore Building their empathy for others."
So it's really is our empathy for our children that supports their empathy for us and for the world.
, if in the moment your child is pulling on your shirt to Use everything we've talked about here. Like, what can you do? I would support you to say something like, "Oh, would you like some mummy milk or would [00:33:30] you like some breast milk or whatever it is that you call it?
Is that right? You would like some," . So you are seeing them and their need. And then you can say, if you would like, you can say, "well, you can ask mommy. You can use your words to ask mommy and I'll give you some", but don't withhold the milk until they, until they repeat it back for you.
That's a common kind of trap that we fall in, especially when we're stressed out. Like, okay, uh, did you say please? Nope. I'm not giving it to you until you say please. Or, you know, can you ask me, can you use your words, please? Can you use your words, [00:34:00] right? Even we're using please in that moment, but we don't actually mean if you please, right?
We're kind of demanding of them in that moment. But that's often the trap we fall into, and that is behavioralism. That is just straight up behavioralism. We are trying to control and encourage certain behaviors and discourage other behaviors when we are, uh, withholding until they do that, right?
But you can model that behavior for them. Oh, you would like some mommy milk. See, what are you doing? You're seeing their need. You're seeing their desire. You're seeing their [00:34:30] separateness in that moment. That's what you would like, isn't it? And you're getting that confirmation from them. And then you can breastfeed them.
And while you're breastfeeding them, you can say, Oh, you can ask mommy if you want some, right? You can say, Can I have some milk, please? And the cool thing about that is that they are in a state of co regulation when they are, like, when you're using that calm, like, it's called porosity in your voice, right?
Like that sing songy a little bit voice. You don't have to be over the top, but you're not using this monotone intense [00:35:00] voice that is very triggering and difficult. Like, how do you feel in your body when I'm saying this like this right now, right? It's different than if I'm like, Hey, would you like some milk?
Okay. Right. That's a different experience. And so they're actually co regulating with you when you're using that tone of voice. and they're co regulating with your calm. Um, and you're also the breast milk itself is going to support their regulation, right? Like their co regulation. And that means that they're actually in a much better state, whatever state they're at developmentally, they're going to be at their like [00:35:30] highest ability when they're in a calm state to learn.
So that means that you sharing and using that tone of voice and explaining it that way is most likely to stick. If you're doing When they're stressed out, if you're withholding until they ask appropriately for the breast milk, they're actually likely to still be in a state of stress. Or maybe even amplifying that state of stress, but that state of stress is stopping them from accessing that higher thinking that they need in order to really learn, cognitively learn something.
[00:36:00] So, Yeah. You don't want to amplify the stress and then use that as a teaching moment because they're not, they're going to be in a state of stress and they won't be able to learn. So you're not giving in. You're not reinforcing bad behavior. I just, I hear from the most positive parenting places talking about toddlers and they talk about reinforcing, reinforcing behavior.
And it drives me nuts because I don't think Like it, I don't think that people are taking the time to consider what's really [00:36:30] happening and what's really developmentally appropriate in that moment when they're using that language. So, um, yeah, support your child by regulating yourself as best you can in that moment.
Modeling. That empathy, modeling that respect, right, and, and then using that language alongside of them, right, to help them to kind of learn it from that calm state.
You might be super stressed out. You might be having a really hard time. So you can also, in that moment, keep yourself [00:37:00] safe and taken care of.
What may, like, what needs do you have in that moment, right? What are your needs being met? If you're thirsty, if you're tired, if you're stressed out from other things, then it's going to be way harder for you to find your calm in that moment. So, do you need some connection with friends? Do you need a drink of water?
Have you eaten today? Like all of those things. What needs do you have? So that's a big picture consideration sometimes. You're looking at your life. Okay, what needs do I [00:37:30] have here? That's something that I support parents with inside of my like on your breastfeeding story group coaching program, and it's a big one It's often really difficult to take a big look and see because it's overwhelming There can be a lot of needs that are being unmet if that's the case for you I would suggest just picking one thing that feels like You can do that.
Just one thing. If it's connection with friends, can you send a text message to somebody and just say, like, hey, how are you today? I was thinking about you, right? It can be a really great way of [00:38:00] getting that connection need met for yourself. And then, of course, there's in the moment. So I just, I used that example before, maybe like a mom at a picnic and the two year old or three year old is pulling on the shirt demanding to feed.
Are you hot in that moment? Do you need like a drink of water? Do you need to move to the shade? Is it time to go? Are you feeling tired? You know, think about those things because that could be. Part of, like, that discomfort that you feel when your child is demanding or when they're pulling on your shirt, [00:38:30] that exists inside of you, right?
That discomfort is, it's, it's your, your feeling. And so you can do things to support yourself with that feeling, right, of discomfort. Um, something that can be happening to you on a very physical sense is like the shirt pulling. Sometimes there's scratching happening. Can you keep their nails short, their fingernails short so that it doesn't feel like that on your body, right?
Um, you can physically pull your shirt up and hold your shirt in place while you're getting them ready to breastfeed or while you're maybe meeting that [00:39:00] need, whatever that is driving the breastfeeding in another way. If they're thirsty or if they're tired or whatever it is and you're going to move to do something else.
Now, again, it's not like an aggressive, like. Stop pulling on my shirt and holding and ripping them out. Oh, it's you keeping yourself safe. If you don't want your breasts exposed in that moment, and you physically hold your shirt up while you're saying, I think, I think you might be feeling kind of hot.
Let's go move to the shade. You know, they might have feelings about that. They might still be in a super stressed out state. They might not immediately move to a state [00:39:30] of calm, and that's okay, right? But you're working on your calm in that moment and finding your calm. So, yeah, so you can make sure that your needs are met from a big picture, uh, or in the moment.
You can, you know, keep their fingernails short so that the scratching doesn't bother you, uh, so that it doesn't feel like scratching. You can physically pull your shirt back up, move your body, stand up, walk away, right? Those are all things that you can do to keep yourself safe and taken care of.
So that was a big one and a lot of information that I shared.
I just want [00:40:00] to briefly, briefly, like recap. We talked about that idea of respect and what. If your child really is disrespecting you or not, what is developmentally appropriate around respect? We talked about please and thank yous and what those really mean, and what you're really encouraging your child to do or not do when you are requiring them to use that language.
We talked about, um, the behavioral approach that you can take to breastfeeding manners, rewards and punishments, and if that's really having the effect that you [00:40:30] want it to have or, or not, right? What's developmentally appropriate at that time
uh, and we talked about how you can support your child's needs in the moment when they are demanding or Begging or pulling or whatever it is, grabbing, uh, and talked about how you can model the behavior that you want, that empathy and that respect. And some of that is by Seeing them for what they are and what they need in that moment, too.
You can also use that language like, Hey, you would like [00:41:00] some mama milk, please? Is that right? I hear you. Um, while you are taking care of yourself, whether that's breastfeeding or, um, Taking care of their needs or, and, or your needs in the moment. Okay, that was a lot. I hope that, uh, you found some support in there.
If you need anything from me, please reach out over Instagram @own.your.parenting.story Uh, or send me an email, jenna@ownyourparentingstory.com [00:41:30] have my, uh, free guide to saying no to the feed while still saying yes to the need, which you can grab at www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide . And that will support you with the language around the, you know, how to say no in that moment. If you would like that. All right. I cannot wait to hang out with all of you in the new year on the podcast. There's going to be a brand new season and I've got lots of exciting things in the works for you.
So stay tuned. Uh, if you haven't [00:42:00] already grabbed that guide that I just mentioned, you can, and it's also going to. I'm going to get you on my email list where you can stay up to date with the things that I am doing and sharing and offering. And I've got some new stuff coming out in the new year that I am very excited about.
And if you're on my list, you've already heard a few things about it, but I'll keep it hush hush for, uh, for the rest of you. You got to get on the email list to find out the stuff. Uh, okay. That's all from me for this week. Have a wonderful holiday season, everyone.