44 - HELP! My toddler is struggling to listen first thing in the morning (and a quick personal update!)

**SUBMIT YOUR Q FOR ME TO ANSWER IN FUTURE EPISODES**

In this week's episode of Start to Stop Toddler Breastfeeding, I'm answering a question I received from a student in Own Your Breastfeeding Story. 

"How can I encourage my 2 year old to settle down when he is on the bed with us? 

We cosleep and most of the time especially in the morning when he wakes up, after he nurses from me, he immediately goes to wake up our 4 month old, or will start making big movements that will wake her up. 

We try to explain to him that when the newborn is sleeping (or anyone) we whisper and we try not to disturb them.

Is this an unrealistic expectation of a toddler?  What else can we do? "

This kind of situation comes up in lots of different contexts - and for tandem breastfeeding moms, it can feel particularly loaded. 

Breastfeeding is your number one tool, but maybe your toddler isn't interested, or maybe YOU aren't interested.  Are you destined to have a horrible day that begins with a stressful morning?

In the episode I share a few different things to consider, and give some practical support: 

1 - Check in with YOUR expectations first.  

2 - Set your little one up for success by talking about this issue outside of the moment. 

3 - Support them to have something else to do.  

4 - Playfully engage with them to put them into a receptive state and avoid having to tell them what to do/not to do altogether.  

Want to learn more from me?
Watch my free, instant access workshop: 
Designing Your Pathway to Toddler Breastfeeding Mastery

Grab your free guide to say "No" to the feed while still saying "yes" to the need at  www.ownyourparentingstory.com/guide

Love this episode?!  Shoot me a DM over on Instagram @own.your.parenting.story and tell me all about it. <3

Transcript

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[00:00:00] Hello! It has been a little while. I took an impromptu break from the podcast and from my Instagram. So if you've been hanging around my community and it seems like I disappeared for a while, I did. As many of you know, who have been listening, I had been diagnosed with sleep apnea, and I've been, I was waiting on treatment, and I finally got my CPAP therapy, and I've been getting accustomed to that and working through [00:00:30] all of those dynamics, and I was feeling really overwhelmed, so I just pulled right back to focusing on Well, myself and my kids and my home and that kind of thing first, of course, but then the work energy that I had was really being poured into the clients and students that I have right now.

I wanted to be able to, of course, make sure that I was giving them the absolute best. , so I let the podcast slide for a little bit, but I'm really excited to be back. I can't believe. Being on the [00:01:00] CPAP therapy now, and it's still like, I'm not using it perfectly, and I'm still working out the kinks and working with my care team and all that kind of stuff, um, but the difference between not using it and using it is incredible, and I am shocked and kind of appalled by how horrible of a place I was in before I was doing CPAP therapy, and I didn't realize it, of course, it's kind of a slow onset, uh, that happens over time as it's getting worse and worse, the sleep [00:01:30] apnea to a point where you actually are experiencing symptoms to the point where you, you reach out for support, right?

So I didn't realize how badly, uh, I was doing. I'm kind of shocked by the amount of stuff I was doing at the level I was doing it considering how I was feeling. And the wild thing is, is that even right now, I've only been using the CPAP therapy for a few weeks. And again, it's been spotty at times because I'm working, working it out, right?

Getting used to it and uh, figuring, like getting it all adjusted. And the cognitive [00:02:00] impact of sleep apnea It's pretty intense and it actually can take like 12 months before that fully kind of repairs and you get back to a state where you would have been without sleep apnea. So I'm excited and hopeful because it means I'm just going to keep feeling better and better and my brain is going to keep Continuing to work better and better, um, and so, uh, I'm hopeful for my life, but I'm also hopeful for all of you listeners and this podcast because it means I'm going to continue to [00:02:30] increase my capacity to be able to show up here and, uh, offer you guys support, education, you know, community, all of that wonderful stuff.

That being said, um, it is a little bit of a slow process. I won't be fully back in. I'm not sure exactly the frequency that I'm going to be releasing episodes at the moment, but I wanted to, uh, at least start with today. by answering some questions [00:03:00] that I get actually in my group coaching program.

So this is the kind of stuff that I do inside of my group coaching programs. These are actual questions from students and these are my responses. Now, of course, in a group coaching setting, I will be kind of working with them in, in my response. It wouldn't just be like a straight Q& A, but I thought I'd give you guys a little taste of that.

And of course, these are real questions. So they're your questions. Like they're, they're from. breastfeeding toddler moms like you in the world. And I know that that is really helpful to [00:03:30] A, hear so that you know that you're not alone, and B, get that support. So I'm going to answer one question today. And if you guys have any questions, please send them to me over at my email, jenna at ownyourparentingstory.

com or on my Instagram. And I'll see if I can work them into the episodes. Today. I'm going to be focusing on a question that's a little bit more parenting related and not strictly breastfeeding, but this is a good one because it comes up in a lot of different contexts, um, and it can feel [00:04:00] a little bit tricky when you are a breastfeeding parent.

So the question is, how can I encourage my two year old to settle down when he is on the bed with us? We co sleep most of the time, especially in the morning. And when he wakes up after. He is breastfeeding from me. He immediately goes to wake up our four month old. Now this moment is tandem feeding. So she's got a two year old and a four month old that she's breastfeeding both of them.

Um, so she says he immediately goes to wake up our four month old, or he'll start making big movements that will wake her up. So we [00:04:30] try to explain to him that when the newborn is sleeping or, or anyone we whisper and we try not to disturb them, is this an unrealistic expectation of a toddler? What else can we try?

So. This comes up with families who are co sleeping who maybe have a toddler waking up in the middle of the night and a partner who's in the bed who maybe needs to wake up early for work. Um, or, you know, just those dynamics where you want your toddler to be quiet and not wake up another sibling or [00:05:00] someone else in the house.

And it's challenging because breastfeeding is your go to way of settling them, and it's not always something that they want, especially first thing in the morning, or maybe it's not something that you want. So you're trying to find alternatives to that as well. So my very first support for this is to check in with your internal reaction in that moment.

So, The person who asked the question asked if it's an unrealistic expectation of their toddler to be able to be [00:05:30] quiet during that time. But I also think that it's important to manage your own expectations, too. Because, yes, and I am going to, in this, give you support to help your toddler not wake up the newborn.

But what happens if the newborn does wake up? It's that fear there that can make this feel really intense for you. It's the stories that we start to tell ourselves about what it means as us as a parent. You know, my toddler is, um, [00:06:00] disrespectful or my toddler, you know, isn't, doesn't have manners. They're misbehaving, those kinds of things.

Or maybe if my newborn wakes up, you know, then they're going to be screaming and crying. And then I just want five minutes of peace or whatever those stories are that you start telling. in with those because they might be true. Those are possibilities of what could happen, but there's other possibilities too.

And even in the worst case scenarios, now the worst case scenarios that we sometimes go to can be like 20 years down the road. Like my child's so [00:06:30] disrespectful. They're never going to get a job and they're going to end up in prison. And I don't know all the things that can come. Those things we can kind of set to the side as.

Best we can and tell ourselves, ah, it makes sense. We're super scared about that. And also that is a long time away from now. So let's come back to this present moment. But there's some kind of worst case scenarios we come up with that are in the present, like, okay, if my four month old wakes up and starts crying, what options do I have?

What can I try? Maybe they're going to need a longer nap or an earlier nap today. You know, is that, is [00:07:00] that an option? What, what do I have available to me to navigate this if that happens? So starting there in the moment or outside of the moment when you're thinking about this and planning for this, and if that's your partner waking up, whatever that is, maybe they, if it's a partner, maybe they go to a different room to rest for a little bit longer, right?

Or maybe you take the child out of the room. Maybe you get a little less sleep, but maybe that means that like if they're up early, maybe they're getting up at five, uh, like your toddler's getting up at five and The other tools you try don't [00:07:30] work. And so you get up early that day, but maybe that means you get to go to bed a little earlier that night.

Or maybe it means you take a nap with your toddler, if you're able to, that day. Or you get takeout for dinner, if it's going to be a hard day where you're tired, right? Manage your expectations first. Think about what What those fears are, what you can't, like what you feel like is too much and see if there is something else that you can do, uh, a way to support yourself or see if you can just do something in that moment to relax that stress.

Cause maybe just realizing, [00:08:00] uh, I can shift some things around and make this day a little easier for me. Now, that's really important because your internal reaction impacts your child. So when we're talking about the expectations we can have of a toddler and their ability to listen or behave, I'm using kind of air quotes, they actually can be very thoughtful and kind and considerate at times, right?

And they actually are. Really want to, um, listen and, [00:08:30] and act in a way that, uh, pleases you. Like, they really do. And they are toddlers. They're little babies with infant brains that are still developing. And when they get even a little bit stressed out, Any impulse control they could have possibly started to have goes out the window.

So when you are a little bit stressed, and if you're not regulating that stress or working on your stress, your stress will become their stress. It feels [00:09:00] stressful for them. And kids don't always go into a negative space when they're stressed. They don't always go into tears or crying or anger. They can go silly.

And when you're talking about a newborn and a toddler on a bed, a silly toddler is probably going to wake that newborn up, right? And so, and, and I mean silly in a way that they're not controlling themselves. Their, their body movements are maybe a little less coordinated. They're getting that goofy slapstick happy kind of space, right?

Um, that can happen when [00:09:30] they're feeling stressed. And so the more that you're like, shh, shh, quiet, quiet, shh, that can ramp that up and actually make it harder for them to be quiet. So as you manage your internal expectations and your stress, you're actually creating a space for them to be like, to set them up for success, right?

To have the most access to whatever impulse control, whatever, you know, good behavior quotes that they have access to, they're going to [00:10:00] have access to when you are. So number one, your internal reaction. Number two, it might be an unrealistic expectation for them. But that doesn't mean that you can't be talking about it.

So you can, ideally outside of the moment, share with them, Hey, you know, when the baby's sleeping, we can be quiet. , you can also kind of appeal to their wanting to be a helper, right? And like, Oh, you know, Yeah, buddy, you know, you're my helper.

And, [00:10:30] uh, you know, our baby really needs her sleep right now. And so, you know, what can we do to help make sure that she's sleeping? Maybe you can engage him with that, um, that kind of like thoughtfulness and creativity and that partnering with you to problem solve in this moment. Uh, that can be really helpful.

So, It could be an unrealistic expectation, but that doesn't mean that you're not planting those seeds and having those conversations. Because In time, [00:11:00] it won't be an unrealistic expectation, right? In time, developmentally, he'll be ready for that. And so, if you're having those conversations and creating that space, then he can blossom into that when he's ready, right?

The environment is ripe for him to be able to do that. Um, And then as far as more in the moment goes supports for the toddler, my first kind of tip would be to tell him what to do instead of what not to do. Now, it does sound like you're sharing that, you know, [00:11:30] we whisper and that kind of stuff. That's great.

Um, but When you say what not to do, uh, the brain kind of processes that in, in reverse, especially for young kids. So, they hear that not or that negative statement after they've already heard the, what the statement is. So, if you say, don't yell, what they hear is yell, and then they have to, after they hear yell, and they have very little impulse control, so that the impulse will be to yell, uh, then they have to process the word don't [00:12:00] afterwards.

So, then they have to think, oh, I'm not supposed to yell. So, then they have to like, They have that lack of impulse control that pushes them towards yelling, and now they have to think, don't yell, but that's a negative thing. So, what are they doing instead? They have to do that thought work and process.

Well, what is the opposite of yelling? What is something I can do instead of yelling? So, and that can be even tricky for us, right? Because if I said to you right now, okay, instead of telling your toddler not to yell, what can you tell them? You probably have to think about it for a second. Okay, well, what other things can we tell them, right?

Okay, whisper is an [00:12:30] option, sure, but maybe there's different things, right? Um, and so you want to do that thought work for them by giving them a suggestion. So, it could be whispering, um, and maybe not just whispering, but maybe telling them what to whisper. Maybe it's a singing a quiet song, that kind of thing.

Other options could be something, especially if this is a morning issue. Something called a morning invitation. So if you go on Pinterest or you Google it, you're going to find lots of options for morning invitations and they range in lots of different age [00:13:00] ranges. It's really popular with homeschool, community, that kind of stuff too, but it would be a simple little activity or, um, like opp opportunity to play that you've set up the night before.

And ideally without. Your toddler kind of seeing it so that it's new and exciting. And it's a simple invitation to play. It could be as simple as a handful of blocks and a couple, like, toy dinosaurs, like, set out on the ground. Maybe if it's a bedroom thing, maybe it's just outside the bedroom door or in the, like, kind of just tucked beside the doorway inside that [00:13:30] bedroom or just outside the bedroom.

And it's just this opportunities invitation to play. So that could be an option to tell him what to do instead of what not to do. You could also have some food or breakfast set out. Um, maybe the night before together, you set out some Cheerios and a banana, maybe just dry Cheerios and a banana. Um, maybe you put it in a bowl and you do that together and you say, Hey buddy, when you wake up in the morning, you can come right here and get your breakfast.

And It, again, is that kind of like [00:14:00] empowering, they're partnering together to problem solve, um, and it can be a really powerful way to engage him early in the morning so that he's not getting into that like super silly, goofy kind of space. So consider that, right? And I would encourage you as you're listening to let your creativity flow.

What kind of things could you tell him to do instead or invite him to do instead of waking up the four month old or, you know. Being kind of loud or silly in the bed. [00:14:30] And now something that might come up is like screen time or different things. And those things can feel kind of scary. Sometimes some of us have more issues around certain things than others.

And I just want you to invite you to be curious about that. And maybe that's an option for you some days. Um, maybe that's an option for you every day. Maybe there's a half hour screen time or maybe more, maybe less. Uh, you know, That's your unique values, your unique family dynamics that you get to consider for yourself.[00:15:00] 

And um, don't, don't immediately rule anything out just because you think that you should or shouldn't do that. If it's a no for you, that's completely okay. But sometimes feeling like there's all of these Bad things hanging around the bad TV or the, you know, the bad waking up the newborn, all that kind of stuff can be turning up your internal stress and make it a lot harder to access your creativity and problem solving and all those kinds of things.

So, uh, just let those things kind of come. Consider them. [00:15:30] If it's a no, that's completely okay. Put that to the side, uh, and, and focus on other things as well. I've given you some other options like those morning invitations with some simple toys or a book or, uh, you know, some breakfast food sitting out, that kind of stuff.

And then my last thought would be to playfully engage in the morning. So instead of either telling him what to do or what not to do, right? So instead of focusing on like, Oh, we're, we're going to whisper, we're not going to wake up the baby, or, Oh, you can go and do these other things. Maybe [00:16:00] you just set all of that aside and you just engage with him in that moment.

Now the playfulness, again, if you're feeling super stressed, it can be hard to get into that space, but the playfulness can keep the connection flowing. And that is actually going to put people your toddler in a state where they're most receptive to you, where they're most likely to quote, like, listen, right?

Hear what you're asking them to do and do it. As well, it provides a space where, um, you can be [00:16:30] laughing together, playing together, and invite them to do things without actually telling them to do things. For example, if you have a toy, Maybe there's a stuffed animal that he loves and it's in the living room.

This is something that I've done with my kids many times. Um, but I'll just say my kid's name kind of like in a funny voice and be like, Did you hear that? Did you hear that? And maybe I'll say it again. Is that your, you know, stuffy? My son's favorite stuffy right now is a stuffed wolf and it's a wolfie.

Is that wolfie talking to you, buddy? [00:17:00] Where is he? Where's wolfie, right? And just those simple, playful things can invite your child to Be engaged with you, right? Have something to focus on. They're not playing, um, they're not, you know, just being silly in the bed and kind of like all over the place. They're not focused on the newborn.

Now they're engaged with you in this play world. And of course, there's benefits to that kind of connective tissue. Connected play to that can be supporting you to kind of, you know, fill up their cup for the rest of the day. That kind of stuff. Maybe [00:17:30] from that point, if you are having the stuffed animal talk to them, maybe they go and grab the stuffy and maybe, um, you know, you can either make the stuffy say, Oh, well, let's get a storybook or you could say it and maybe they come in and while the newborn's sleeping, you Quietly read a story with them in the bed, or if you feel comfortable, I don't know what the situation is with how the newborn's sleeping, but maybe you could get up out of the bed and go read it on the couch and get them kind of settled for a moment.

Maybe they start playing and you're able to go and get some breakfast ready, have your cup of coffee, that kind [00:18:00] of stuff. Um, not saying that you're going to get a long time where they're engaged in that, but maybe a couple moments where you can. Get the coffee going or, or whatever. Maybe you already poured it and you get a sip of it, right?

Um, so yeah, that is my big thoughts for this question. So remember, Check into your internal reaction, manage your expectations, right? You can be having those conversations with them, with him outside of the moment, 

maybe invite him to be the helper. [00:18:30] Tell him what to do instead of what not to do with the morning invitations or, uh, getting some breakfast out and he can go grab it himself. And lastly, playfully engage. Make a toy talk, that kind of stuff that can keep him feeling connected, keep that connection flowing and, uh, start your day off on a positive note.

All right. If you have any kind of specific questions for me like this, I would love to hear them and answer them on future podcast episodes. So make sure you just send them to me in an email jenna at ownyourparentingstory. [00:19:00] com or send them to me in a DM on Instagram. I am very excited to hear from all of you.