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[00:00:00] I'm back with another toddler breastfeeding question. This is a question that I get a lot inside of my group coaching program, as well as my emails and DMs. And we're talking about work trips and this necessity to leave your child with, another non breastfeeding parent or caregiver.
The question that I'll specifically be answering is this one. So my toddler often doesn't accept dad at night when she wakes up crying. I am and have always been the preferred parent. I just found out about a work trip I need to take, which will have me away from my [00:00:30] two year old overnight for the first time.
Typically, I feed her to sleep and resettle her throughout the night. If I am out of the house for bedtime, she does go to sleep for other people, but it often takes a lot longer than if I'm doing bedtime. Wondering if you had any tips that might help both my husband and my child prepare for my work trip over the next few weeks and allow dad to be more involved in general.
Alright, so there are a lot of things that I, If this was a client I was talking to or somebody inside my group coaching program that I would be considering like big picture [00:01:00] stuff before we even get into this specific topic. And I just want to make that clear because there are a lot of things that you can do to support the environment, to support your relationship, to support your routine and your rhythm that can a lot of times take the pressure off of nighttime where.
Maybe it just naturally, like we're tweaking routines and whatnot, that naturally reduces those night wakings, uh, and naturally involves dad a little bit more and kind of supports a lot of that stuff without having to directly address those things. [00:01:30] But for the purpose of this episode, I am specifically going to talk to you as if this is what we're doing, right?
We're just focusing on this specific work trip coming up. What can we do to support Dad and Toddler? So I'm going to be going through a few things:
first, we're going to talk about whether or not you should night wean ahead of this.
We're going to talk about, , Prepping the child and the caregiver together, which is going to look like allowing extra time for playing connection.
We'll dig into that. We'll dig into something called bridging, and we're going to dig [00:02:00] into the emotions as well. So to start with the question of to night wean or not to night wean, The answer is your choice. 100 percent your choice. There are so many things you can consider and talk about, um, but there's no wrong answer here.
You can breastfeed as usual right up until you leave and then pick up breastfeeding as usual when you come back. Your child may or may not want to breastfeed when you come back. Oftentimes they do if [00:02:30] they don't, directly ask for it, then you can suggest it and they might just hop back on and things will continue on.
Uh, that tends to be the case from what I see, that that happens more often than the child is just like completely refuses to breastfeed when you get back. If you decide to go that route where you're not making any changes before you leave, there's really two things you need to just consider for that time that you're apart.
Number one is your supply. Now, If you've been [00:03:00] breastfeeding for over a year, it's very unlikely that a short time away, a few nights away from your child is going to impact your milk production at all or in any meaningful way that isn't very much immediately corrected. So you don't need to pump on some specific schedule just to maintain your supply.
But especially if you've been breastfeeding relatively frequently daytime and or nighttime, you may experience engorgement or feeling really full. That is when you can pump or hand express, [00:03:30] simply for your comfort. You can save that milk if you want to, you can just hand express right into a toilet if you're out at a place, like, it doesn't matter.
It's mostly just moving that milk so that you're not feeling all that fullness and engorgement and potentially risking infection and that kind of stuff. When you start to feel full, hand express a little bit or pump a little bit. And the other piece would be nutrition for your toddler.
Now, of course, if your child is under 12 months of age, then there's going to [00:04:00] be very specific nutritional needs that they are going to need met via formula or express milk, that kind of stuff. But if your toddler is over 12 months, then that doesn't become this, like, big deal. Direct concern. Now, especially for younger toddlers, they might still need nutrition and hydration overnight, and really at any age or stage, they might still want that, need that, etc.
This could look like expressed milk overnight. That could come in the form of a sippy cup or a straw cup or an open cup. It could come from a bottle, [00:04:30] potentially. It could, you know, be mixed into a smoothie. I don't know. Whatever feels good and right for you. Your child might also not want express milk if you're not there.
That can be common as well and that's okay. , they can have some water if that's going to work for them to overnight, that kind of thing. It's okay to be creative with this so like I said, it's possible to go for away for a time and come back.
It's also possible to start making changes ahead of time. Maybe you've just never tried supporting your [00:05:00] child a different way other than breastfeeding during the night. You can experiment with that ahead of time. You can say no more breastfeeding if you don't want to be breastfeeding overnight anymore.
I know that I did that. I've been open with that with my oldest when she turned two. I was pregnant and it was just a no for me and we did that and it worked for us, right? So you can go that route if you want to. There's no right or wrong. No right or wrong here. Um, what I will say can be sometimes problematic is faking your absence before [00:05:30] you're actually gone.
And so this can often look like you just saying no and saying, dad needs to take care of you because I won't be here in a few weeks, I won't be here anymore, so you just better get used to dad taking over or grandma or, you know, whoever is the non breastfeeding caregiver parent in that moment.
This can be kind of confusing for you, confusing for your child, because you're still there. It's, it's artificial that you're creating the separation. It's not authentic. Now, it doesn't mean that you can't. Say no sometimes during the night or all the [00:06:00] time during the night and have someone else care for your child.
Especially if that is what feels like you, like meeting a need for you in that moment. It's a choice you're making because you're burnt out, you're exhausted, you're sick. It's just a no for you, whatever that is. It's okay. That's authentic, right? But doing it because you just know that there's going to be a separation coming up.
isn't, in my, in my opinion, and I would like to offer you to ponder that and consider that., Your child's going to experience a separation, whether it's before the trip or [00:06:30] during the trip, and sometimes it can feel like it's going to give us this peace of mind knowing that your toddler's going to be able to handle it, so you want to see that with your own eyes ahead of the trip.
But I would offer, Instead of thinking about what your toddler can or cannot handle, think about what the caregiver that you're leaving them with can or cannot handle, right? Do you trust that person? Do you trust that that person's going to be there to support your toddler no matter what? And, and, you know, If you do, then rest in [00:07:00] trusting them, not trusting that your toddler can handle it, but trusting that the caregiver can handle it, right?
That's where you can find that strength and that support and that rest. Um, it really is that internal experience that matters. So, like I said, um, they're going to be experiencing that separation. Anyway, when you're gone, so, you know, it might be worthwhile to do the things I'm going to share with you that I already said I'd cover, uh, as far as supporting your, uh, the non breastfeeding parent and the [00:07:30] toddler, to prepare them for everything and to foster their relationship and the tools that they need.
But, don't artificially create the separation just because you feel like it's going to happen anyway. So you just need to force it right now. Because like I said, it can be confusing and feel, um, just, it can feel tense and unnecessarily stressful for, for all of you involved. So let's move into ways that you can prepare your little one.
Now, first of all, and I kind of alluded to this already, but Phrasing things [00:08:00] like, they won't allow dad to comfort them, or, how can I prepare my child for , the separation, all of that can hint at this paradigm that dad or the non breastfeeding parent or caregiver is, is passive in this situation, and that passivity can be frightening for little kids, it's this paradigm,
that's set up and this perspective that we're seeing the world through and therefore we're acting in certain ways and responding and reacting to situations [00:08:30] through this lens. Now, when we're talking about attachment and secure attachment, that kind of thing, the description of a caregiver that a child can securely attach to, this is from circle of security parenting.
Uh, but The description that is used in that, in that program is stronger, bigger, wise, and kind, right? That's who your child needs that's how you show up for your child. And
that's how the other caregiver can show up for your child.[00:09:00] They can lean on and trust that parent, and you can lean on and trust that parent too. So a few ways to facilitate that connection would be to allow for extra playtime and connection with the child.
The child and the caregiver without pulling back on your connection. So you don't need to just be like, Oh, I'm just gone all the time. No, it's all dad, right? That's kind of like faking that separation. Still maintain your separation. It's not going to compete. Your [00:09:30] connection with your child doesn't compete with their connection with other caregivers.
But we also want to make sure that the other connection is being brought in. So a couple ways to do this would be serve and returns. So this is a concept in child development, and we can also kind of look at it. It's similar to serving concerns, but serve and returns, but bid for connections. And that is a phrase from the Gottman Institute.
Talking about supporting, kind of like turning towards each other in a relationship. They talk about that in marriage, but it's true for parenting as well. So , Serve and [00:10:00] Returns, I'm going to read a little definition from the Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.
And they say, Serve and Return interactions shape brain architecture. When an infant or young child babbles, gestures, or cries, and an adult Response appropriately with eye contact, words, or a hug. Neural connections are built and strengthened in the child's brain that support the development of communication and social skills.
Much like a lively game of tennis, volleyball, or ping pong, this back and forth is both fun and capacity building. Capacity [00:10:30] building, right? Resilience building. When caregivers are sensitive and responsive to a child's signals and needs, they provide an environment rich in serve and return experiences. As breastfeeding mums, You experience serve and return on the regular, I'm sure of it, right?
With your child. And sometimes the kind of secondary caregiver or, you know, the non breastfeeding parent feels like they're getting pushed out of that experience. Often things like phone use can get in the [00:11:00] way, right? Or we're just not seeing the child's bid for connections, the child's little interactions that begin those serve and returns where they're pointing or where they're crying or where, you know, and not until it escalates.
Or sometimes the child will just shut down and stop. Offering those things, those little things, right? Or offering them as frequently. Um, so phone use, financial stress, work stress, relationship stress, right? All of these things make it challenging to even pick up on the cues that your toddler is giving you, especially for that non breastfeeding [00:11:30] parent or caregiver.
So the flip side is that little moments like , feeding, mealtime, snack time, right? Bathing, bath time, getting dressed. Those are simple caregiving, caretaking moments that the other caregiver, the other parent can participate in that have opportunities for serve and returns and bid for connections, and they can be simple, like the child points at something and you talk about that thing for a moment.
It doesn't have to be, [00:12:00] you know, these big elaborate productions. It's important to note that kind of like back and forth nature of serve and returns and bid for connections. It's not one sided, it's not controlling, it's not passive. The child's offering a simple little gesture, simple little like a funny face and you smile, you make that face back, right?
Or you smile back and then the child does something and then you do something and you've got this reciprocal communication that's going back and forth and back and forth. You can play together with just open [00:12:30] Right? Like, Oh, where is that Dolly going? Or, you know, that kind of simple things. It's not controlling.
It's not about, , teaching, right? This isn't about education it's just that serve and return back and forth, little gestures, little communications that, um, are building resilience in that child but also building your connection to in that moment which you can then leverage, right?
The Bid for Connections, the Gottman Institute talks about it as like an emotional deposit into like an emotional piggy bank [00:13:00] and There is going to be some withdrawals on that piggy bank when there's separation from another parent, right? So you want to make sure that there's been a lot of, of, you know, deposits into that bank over time.
So this is that turning towards. It's not about doing things perfectly. It's just about noticing, turning towards, attuning, and responding in simple little playful ways. The last thing I'll mention about serve and returns and even for connections is that there's a beginning and an end. So. The [00:13:30] child's going to either initiate, or even the parent can initiate by catching the child's eye, right?
There's going to be a natural end to these things. You don't need to force them. You don't need to, if the child's off playing somewhere and not involved in that moment in looking and pointing or trying to get your attention, that's okay. It's okay for them to have those moments of separation as well.
It's okay for them to initiate them. It's okay for them to initiate the ending of these times as well. So, You don't need to pull back on your moments with your child like this. [00:14:00] You don't need to force these moments between dad and toddler, but have the conversation with dad and just say, Hey, look, it's this little simple things that are going to build your connection.
And this can be, again, a lot of times. And I'm going to mention this a little bit more later, but the non breastfeeding parent can have all these kind of beliefs and ideas in their head that they don't have the connection with the toddler that, that you do as the breastfeeding parent, right? That they, um, that the toddler is emotionally stunted because breastfeeding meets [00:14:30] all of their needs or whatever these kind of like false beliefs and ideas that they've picked up and all of that can stand in the way.
It's kind of like this, this wall that gets built between the child making that bid for connection and the parent receiving it. Right. So we want to, you don't have to even like specifically address those things necessarily. Right. But if you, if the other parent can just set those things aside for a moment and just meet their child in those silly little goofy games at bath time, you know, at bedtime, the boop on the nose, right?
And the child laughs and then you laugh back and then [00:15:00] the child, you know, makes a silly sound and you make that silly sound back. All of those are building connection. And just as well as breastfeeding does or any other way, you know, that you can connect and play with your child does. Support that, don't back off on your own, allow that to be there still, and allow that space for and encourage the other caregiver to have those moments as well too.
So let's talk about bridging. So, bridging is [00:15:30] supporting connection from one moment in time to another moment in time. Children can have a hard time With these kind of abstract future, especially particularly young children, right? Abstract future things. So, they just sense that separation. It's like, uh oh, the separation is here.
That's all I feel. It's so big. But if they can have an opportunity to see that connection again, in the midst of feeling all that separation, it can support their resiliency through that time of separation, so, ahead of time, you can, you can Help your [00:16:00] child to grasp this idea that mommy goes away and I come back, right?
I go away and I come back. So have those conversations, little peekaboo moments, right? Like playing peekaboo, stuff like that is small micro versions of that. I go away and I come back, right? I'm gone. I'm here. Um, you can also read storybooks like The Invisible String, The Kissing Hand, Heart String. There are TV shows.
I know Daniel Tiger has an episode on grownups coming back, that kind of stuff that can support your child to have this idea that. You [00:16:30] can be really explicit and explain to them that you're going on a trip for a few days. Again, check in with yourself that you're not feeling super stressed about it.
And you're like, you better be okay and we're not going to breastfeed. And, you know, daddy's going to be there. Because that can, feel really stressful. Now your child is hearing all of that stuff about you being apart and also all of your stress. And so they're making a connection between, uh oh, mom's going to leave.
And this is clearly a very scary and stressful thing. You want to do it in a much more kind of like neutral, relaxed way. Hey, mommy's going to go [00:17:00] on a work trip for, you know, two nights or one night or whatever that is. And I'm going to be back. So, Again, those books and those TV shows can all help them to kind of get more concrete around what that means.
And you can talk about the fact that daddy's going to be there. You can have little rituals for going away and coming back. You can create your own. All of those books I've mentioned have ones that you can do. You can tie the invisible string to your heart, right? You can also have something that you're going to do when [00:17:30] you get back.
So let's say you're going to, you know, bake cookies together. You can put the cookie sheet out on the counter and it can stay on the counter the whole time you're gone, right? , because we're going to make cookies when mommy comes back. And so every time they look at that, they know mommy's coming back and we're going to make cookies, right?
And that can be something that, uh, Dad can help with too, right, where he can help when, when the child's sensing that separation, help point them towards that connection. So, the last thing I'm going to talk about here is feelings and holding space [00:18:00] for feelings. So, there can be a lot of stories in our minds and in the minds of the non breastfeeding parent or caregiver.
Like I said before, right? Um, things like, you know, because my child breastfeeds, they have a stronger connection with their breastfeeding parent, right? Uh, I can't settle my child because I don't have breasts. Um, if they stopped breastfeeding, everything would be easier. And those things can be there. They could be perhaps spoken by someone else.
It could just be cultural messages they've picked up. You know, it could be a [00:18:30] million things, but when the toddler starts screaming, uh, especially for mom or to breastfeed, all of those things get, like, triggered, right? All those thoughts come alive and stirred up in the brain. Uh, and it gets mixed in with feelings of inadequacy and frustration and, you know, all of those other things that get mixed in and stirred up there.
And all of that will limit your ability as the breastfeeding parent or the non breastfeeding [00:19:00] parent, whatever those stories are, you're, it's going to limit, become that wall between you and your child. Limit your ability to attune to them, to see what's alive for them. To be that stronger, wiser, bigger, kind.
Support that your child needs in those moments. And that means that all of those beliefs that are there can kind of become the self fulfilling prophecy because it's now inhibited, kind of like tied your hands to not be able to support your child in that moment. Often, especially with a [00:19:30] trigger, or if we're just unsure of how to approach this, it's common to shy away from the feelings that your child's having.
Just kind of like, uh, I'm just going to ignore them. Pretend they're not there. Let's. Distract. Let's do whatever, right? It's also common or possible to kind of collapse into those feelings with your child. Like, Oh, it's terrible. Why did she leave us? What's going on? Right. Like have all of that kind of like going in and like, Oh, I'm overwhelmed too.
And I'm so stressed out. And you're mad and [00:20:00] I'm mad. And ah, right. And lastly, You can slip into that controlling the feelings. Don't feel that way. No, hey, be happy because daddy's here and we're going to do fun things, okay? You don't need to be sad right now or you're, I, you know, whatever that is. It can, so it's either shy away from kind of like pretend they don't exist, uh, collapse into the feelings with your child or control those feelings.
Being mindful of all of that, you don't, it's a process, right? And a lifetime journey of learning [00:20:30] how to work through all those emotional triggers and all that kind of stuff. And of course, I do support people to work through that with coaching and I use the safe seat process from PureJoy as well as other modalities and tools to support that, that process.
Even if you feel your tool belt is very limited in that space, just recognizing the fact that those are thoughts that are coming up right now. There's nothing you can do to change those things in this moment. So put them on the shelf, right? Imagine that box. Okay, I'm just going to put these [00:21:00] aside for a moment.
I'm not getting rid of them. I'm not, you know, saying they're good or bad, not judging, just putting them there. I'm going to be in this moment with my child. For young kids in particular, right, that helps you get present and attune, okay? So, um, for young kids in particular, sportscasting can be helpful if they're having a big feeling in that moment, right?
And you can say things like, you really want mommy right now and she isn't here, right? So, you're just describing what has happened. Maybe there's [00:21:30] something happened where it's like, oh, you fell and you hurt your leg and now you wish mommy was here to give you mommy milk, right? You really wish that. And you're just kind of giving words to Describe what has happened.
You can also try, like, labeling the feelings. Uh, Dan Siegel calls this, like, name it to frame it. And it can help to link different parts of the brain together and support beginning regulating and so you might want to say, like, you're so mad. I hear, I hear you yelling. I see your [00:22:00] face is red. So part of that's sportscasting, but then you're adding in this labeling of the feelings.
You're so mad. You're feeling really sad right now. That kind of thing. Now, if your child's resisting those things, and particularly older kids can sometimes resist that, or even like a young two year old, but if they're like, I'm not mad, I'm sad, but they're, even though they're screaming at you, that's okay.
You can just let that be for a moment, move on to something different. The most important thing here is that the emotions need to be there. The feelings need to happen. They need to kind of move through the [00:22:30] body. So you want to just be there with them. This isn't a time to walk away and say like, well, okay, I'll be back when you're done with whatever this is, because little kids are going to.
Feel that emotion super intensely. Their brain isn't integrated in a way that can feel more than one thing at once. They're really focused in a very pure way on one thing. So they need you to be there so that they know that they're safe because you are that bigger, stronger, wise, and kind, um, figure and support for [00:23:00] them.
So that feeling feels so huge to them in that moment. They need to know that they're going to be okay, so they need to know that you're there. That helps that feeling itself, because the experience of mom not being there is scary, but then the feeling of all that intensity inside them becomes scary too and hard, right?
So, they need to feel that, they need to feel heard. Sportscasting, labeling can help with that, right? They just need to know that you're there, that you're present. That can be really helpful too. Other things can be that [00:23:30] they might need, like, some support in that moment outside of just labeling the emotion and your physical presence.
They might really benefit from some gentle touch or some tight cuddling. Some kids, that really helps calm their nervous system. So it's sending safety cues kind of from outside instead of just intellectually explaining things that are kind of be sending
safety cues. They might need a physical touch to have those safety cues. Some movement could be helpful. Holding them, swaying back and forth, rocking in a rocking chair, dancing together, um, [00:24:00] You know, you could try something like animal walks, doing it yourself. Maybe they'll join you, right? You could even do like sad doggie walks.
Oh, the doggie's so sad. Sad doggie walks, right? Helping them with that in those moments can be helpful through movement. You can also try things like reading a storybook or playing in a really simple way and Not to distract them, not because their emotions aren't valid and, you know, need to be felt, but because [00:24:30] they might be experiencing a lot of overstimulation and having something to focus on can help rest and relax the brain and it can send those safety cues, especially a storybook that, you know, your child really enjoys and loves to read together.
And maybe it's one of the books you've been reading to prep, like, you know, The Invisible String, and you're going to read that together, or The Kissing Hand. Um, to help them make sense of all the things they're feeling and the fact that mommy's going to come back, that kind of stuff. And lastly, they might need a snack, they might need some water, they might be experiencing [00:25:00] some anger, right?
There could be other things going on that they're, they're feeling, uh, an experience that are putting pressure and intensifying all those feelings. So that would be my last, um, kind of suggestion there. Of course, there's so many other things that You could do and try and be creative. I support you to be creative in those moments.
That holding space for feelings, it's going to come, right? So you can do the work ahead of time to minimize things and to set yourself up for as much success as possible. But [00:25:30] at the end of the day, supporting those feelings is really important because they're still going to come up and you can be supporting those feelings ahead of time in those weeks leading up to it, practicing that, right?
Also, in the moment, when they're there, because you can't change, mom, mom, you can't magically make mommy come back into the room this moment, right? So your child needs to know that they're going to be safe, even if the thing that they really want can't happen. And when you think about it, that is, Resiliency, right?
That's a tool and a skill [00:26:00] that is going to serve your child for a lifetime, right? There's always going to be things in life, disappointments, hard things, and knowing that we're going to be okay through that process is really a special gift that you are offering your child. All right. So that is my support for, uh, Taking a work trip, needing to go away for a few nights, and leaving your child, your toddler, with the non breastfeeding caregiver.
So just to recap really quick, you can choose to night wean or not. [00:26:30] Um, make sure that you are seeing, as the breastfeeding parent, And as a non breastfeeding parent, you see that dad or the person being left with kiddo is that stronger, bigger, wise and kind figure for that child, right? So then prep by allowing extra time for playing connection without taking away breastfeeding parents playing connection time with a child too.
Um, for serve and returns and bids for connection, simple, small, just [00:27:00] putting that deposit into the emotional piggy bank, right? And then the second thing would be bridging, where you're just pointing towards connection, really both ahead of time and during the process, too, but allowing your child to have more and more understanding and tools and resources to connect Even when you're apart, right?
So to point towards that next point of connection. And then holding space for the feelings that can come up. And [00:27:30] again, like I said, that's a real, really beautiful gift that you can be supporting your child to develop that skill, even in toddlerhood, right? With empathy and compassion and all that wonderfulness.
All right. It has been a pleasure. I'll be back next week with another question. I think I really liked the series doing, uh, answering these questions here that I normally answer in my group coaching program. If you have a question that you would like answered, you can send me an email, jenna at own your parenting story.
com or send me a DM on Instagram at, at own. [00:28:00] your. parenting. story. I will catch you next week.