That's Good Parenting
Hello and welcome to "That's Good Parenting". The podcast that searches for simple steps to reduce your parenting stress. Sometimes those days of feeling like a "good parent" can feel few and far between.
And like you, I personally have struggled with parenting frustration, exhaustion, and even guilt. But I also know that there are solutions out there that we could put to use today.
My name is Dori Durbin.
It's my mission to search with you to find simple steps and tools to create confident and resilient kids-- without losing ourselves in the process.
You may be wondering who I am. I'm a former teacher, coach and fitness instructor turned children's book author and illustrator, as well as a book and parenting abundance coach.
More importantly, I'm a Christian wife and mom of two amazing young adults who, have quite uniquely put me through the parenting ringer myself. I've been fortunate enough to have interviewed hundreds of experts, parents and authors who have all created parenting tools that have your family's best interest at heart.
So let's stick together to find fast and effective solutions that fit our particular parenting problems. So that we can end war of our days cheering out: Now "That's Good Parenting!"
That's Good Parenting
How You Can Joyfully Parent Neurodivergent Children with Mitra Cummins E102
Listen to this episode, "How You Can Joyfully Parent Neurodivergent Children with Mitra Cummins" as Introspective Parent Coach Mitra Cummins joins host Dori Durbin.
Are you a parent of a neurodivergent child who is struggling to navigate daily challenges? Maybe you, too are struggling in your parenting? In this episode, Mitra Cummins shares how parents can effectively communicate with their neurodivergent children and find joy in parenting again. Discover the importance of timing in problem-solving, learn how to have a happy kid after-school, and explore techniques for fostering friendships and life.
This episode covers:
- Understanding the Importance of Timing
- Strategies for After-School Decompression and Communication
- Effective Language Techniques for Neurodivergent Children
- Fostering Friendships and Social Skills
- The Role of Energy Work and Hypnotic Language in Parenting
- Three Simple Steps to Improve Parent-Child Relationships
- How to Connect with Mitra and Access Resources
About Mitra:
Mitra Cummins is an Introspective Parent Coach who helps parents of neurodivergent kids to consciously and effectively communicate with their kids so they can find joy in parenting again. Mitra has a B.S. in Cognitive Linguistics and continued her education by becoming certified as a Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) Coach as well as a Trainer of NLP, Mental and Emotional Release® (MER®), and Hypnotherapy.
Mitra has been supporting families through social, emotional, behavioral, and academic solutions in one-on-one and group settings for 10+ years. She integrates her vast experience with intuitive Ancient Hawaiian energy work during her sessions with clients. Her specialization is working with parents who are impacted by their own upbringing and looking to break free of their past and step forward into their aligned purpose as a parent while exploring their own growth in regulation and communication strategies.
As a coach, Mitra is passionate, nurturing, and personable as she supports her clients in navigating parenthood.
Follow Mitra:
Email: mitra@myintrospectivesolution.com
Website: www.myintrospectivesolution.com
Grab Your FREE 6 Step Guide to Effectively Community with Your Neurodiverse Kids: https://myintrospectivesolution.com/6stepguide
https://www.facebook.com/myintrospectivesolution
https://www.instagram.com/myintrospectivesolution
Did you love this episode? Discover more here:
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/thats-good-parenting/id1667186115
More about Dori Durbin:
Dori Durbin is a Christian wife, mom, author, illustrator, and a kids’ book coach who after experiencing a life-changing illness, quickly switched gears to follow her dream. She creates kids’ books to provide a fun and safe passageway for kids and parents to dig deeper and experience empowered lives. Dori also coaches non-fiction authors, professionals, and aspiring authors to “kid-size” their content into informational and engaging kids’ books! Find out more here: https://www.doridurbin.com/
Follow Dori:
https://www.instagram.com/dori_durbin
Intro for TDP (version 2)
[00:00:00] Mitra Cummins: us as humans, we can't process negations. So when we hear don't think of a blue tree, you're going to think of a blue tree first. So same thing goes with everything we say.
[00:00:10] We say don't run. Then we're going to think about running before We need to walk. We got to tell it be direct. What is it that we want? What is it? We want to see more. So that's why positive praise is such a powerful tool.
[00:00:23] Dori Durbin: Being a parent can be tough, but when your kids have a different way of thinking, it takes parenting into uncharted territories. Parents of neurodivergent kids have unique struggles all their own. So what can they do for their kids to have a good life experience and a good school experience?
[00:00:42] Guess what? My guests can help us. Mitra Cummings is an introspective parent coach who helps parents of neurodivergent kids to consciously and effectively communicate with their kids. So that they can find joy in parenting again. Mitra has a BA in Cognitive Linguistics [00:01:00] and is certified as a Neural Linguistic Programming Coach, Trainer of an LP, Mental and Emotional Release, and Hypnotherapy.
[00:01:07] And she also incorporates ancient Hawaiian energy work into and during her sessions. Mitra has been supporting families through social, emotional, behavioral, and academic solutions in one on one and group settings for over 10 years. She is passionate about supporting her clients. And navigating them through parenthood.
[00:01:26] So welcome Mitra.
[00:01:28] Mitra Cummins: Thank you. Excited to be here. This background of yours is amazing. I must say that first and foremost, you have a very diverse background that just, it brings so much to parents. And I think anybody who would work with you would be so lucky.
[00:01:43] Oh, thank you so much. Yeah. It's been an amazing journey thus far and happy to be a support.
[00:01:48] Dori Durbin: What do you think, Mitra? What do you feel is most parents biggest struggle when they have neurodivergent kids?
[00:01:55] Mitra Cummins: Yeah. So I work with an array of People right of [00:02:00] adults and how I started working with kids and my focus working with kids was in that group setting in that one on one setting and finding opportunities where they needed to develop certain skills around social behavioral academic solutions or even just emotional intelligence.
[00:02:17] And within that array, What I found that parents were having the hardest time with when it came to times like problem solving or flexible thinking or different skill sets around setting and maintaining boundaries, problem solving, there was a common theme that came up across the board, which was that timing matters.
[00:02:38] And what I mean by that is the time to handle a problem, a time to handle a dysregulated conflict resolution, time to handle setting or maintaining a boundary. Sometimes the time where you want to handle it may not be the best time for your child. Your child might need a step before that. Or on [00:03:00] the other end, you might need a moment to take a break because the time in the middle of a tantrum or in the middle of the conflict isn't the time to resolve it.
[00:03:10] The time in the middle of the conflict, the middle of the tantrum is the time to de escalate first before going into a resolution. Now, here's a caveat. Sometimes as a parent, and I've been there, I need my moment to get into a calm, centered, and balanced space. And within that, you can, if you notice, okay, you and your child need that moment, need that break time then the biggest thing to consider is, okay, Letting them know I need a moment.
[00:03:41] I see you need a moment too. Let's take that moment together, whether it's we're doing it together or you're in another room in a safe space as long as you and your child are in a safe space because there's a varying level when it comes to de escalating. Now, When it comes to coming back together, that's the piece that sometimes gets missed by [00:04:00] families is that once you take that time, you need to come back together for resolution, whether it's a time where you and your child are both deescalated, or at least your child is deescalated to the point where you're in a more calm space.
[00:04:15] And I say that because my husband Chase, he and I work together as parent coaches. And he shared a story with me or about his client at where his client was saying when we have a break, we deescalate, we go take a moment. And there was a time recently where her child came back to her and said, I'm feeling better.
[00:04:39] And what it was a, such an amazing success. Chase was like, yes, they did it. And the parent said I'm still mad at you. I'm not ready to talk about this. And can you just imagine? What that child was feeling like I can totally get it but we gotta put our big pants on sometimes parents like yes, you might [00:05:00] maybe be a little upset still but even having that conversation with your child to know that there can be a resolution You could even say, i'm still a little upset, but i'm okay opening up and having a conversation with you because this is how I feel versus totally shutting it down because it's a reward.
[00:05:17] It's a positive experience that they're coming to you. Means that it's okay to resolve and they feel like they can be honest and have that safe space and taking that time sometimes can make it easier to create that space. So I know I went through a lot of layers, but the biggest theme was around just making sure that you take that time in between, whether it's in the moment of the conflict, take the separation or take time together to regulate together, depending on if your child is a younger age, like my daughter is 11 10 months old and we co regulate.
[00:05:53] So I am. I get into my calm, centered, balanced space, and then I help her regulate. So I regulate with her because she doesn't [00:06:00] have the tools to regulate yet. So wherever they're at with the process in terms of calm down strategies, de escalation depending on the age, that's going to be the best appropriate, but take that time for it first.
[00:06:11] Dori Durbin: That's such an interesting piece to the puzzle. I think the ages as well, because if they're a 10 year old versus a 10 month old, like you said you're helping her figure out. Even what that process of calming down looks like, much less that she needs it. And as a parent, I know we try to put them first, but sometimes our emotions are just as big.
[00:06:35] And yeah, it's really having that awareness of okay, where's the, where am I meeting you in this process? And how can I make things better for us both ultimately, right?
[00:06:45] Mitra Cummins: Exactly. Exactly.
[00:06:47] Dori Durbin: Wow. Okay, what if I'm a parent who maybe likes to solve situations? I'm going to call, I was a helicopter parent.
[00:06:55] I'll admit it. I wanted to come in and save the day. But when it comes [00:07:00] to more formal situations like school, how do I decide as a parent, how much to get involved in what is way too much at that point?
[00:07:09] Mitra Cummins: You know what you're gonna have to gauge with your child? Does your child have the tools to stand up for themselves, advocate to communicate their needs initially?
[00:07:20] So for example my mentor, his daughter, did have the communication tools, and what he did was he helped her. Build the confidence and the tool to go up to the teacher and go, I don't understand this. Can you help me? Whereas if your child doesn't necessarily have those tools, then you might need to step in and different levels.
[00:07:42] So one big question is, my child needs more academic support or behavioral support in the classroom. Like I'm getting notes back from the teacher that they're doing XYZ. But maybe you're not hearing about what the solutions are, or you don't know how they're handling it and you want to get your questions [00:08:00] answered.
[00:08:00] What you can do as the parent, especially with the neurodivergent kid, if you need to step in is request a school focused team meeting. And what that does is You get together with everyone on the team with your that is focused on your child. So that's the teacher that's administration and anyone that's involved in that student focus team meeting that needs to be there.
[00:08:23] So sometimes there may be a behavioral health specialist, a school psychologist, SLPs, OTs, you name it, whoever they have on their team will be there. And it's the school's responsibility to get that together. If you request it, so submit a written request. If you do it verbally, always submit a written request to your teacher or and or admin, just to make sure nothing gets lost because sometimes just having a conversation, then it's Ooh, it's out of the brain and write it down, get it out in an email, make sure it's written somewhere that then they can just propel.
[00:08:57] And what that's going to do is just create a [00:09:00] conversation and a conversation. Collaboration between you as the parent and the school and go, what is the school needing to do to support the behaviors or the academics? What can they do and how you can support? So if your child is seeing a therapist. and occupational therapist, the psychologist, occupational therapist, speech language pathologist.
[00:09:21] If you have an advocate already, like those are all just added bonuses. If they're going to ABA, if they have any professionals outside of the school, then definitely bring them to that meeting. They're just going to be there to share and create a collaboration between the professionals outside of school and everyone in the school.
[00:09:41] It's better to have the team all together than keeping of all the pieces separate. It's like a puzzle. Put the pieces together. You're going to see the whole picture. If you keep the set pieces apart, you're not going to see the puzzle pieces together. So bring them all together. And by gathering that information and that collaborative [00:10:00] meeting, that'll initiate if your child does need any type of assessment done by the school.
[00:10:05] So even if you've done assessments outside of the school will request, typically they will request to have their own assessment done for the purpose of education, because that's the thing your child, anything that's related to school, it's the intention for their education. So if. There's anything that's standing in the way of their education or the education of others, that's when the school can step in and the assessment can support whatever findings they need to implement for your child's education at that point, whether that's one on one work, whether that's pulling out for counseling, whether that's any modifications to taking breaks, you name it, that's what the assessments for.
[00:10:45] So just know that sometimes the school wants to do their own and that's very normal.
[00:10:50] Dori Durbin: Yeah, it's interesting. Do you ever have parents who are hesitant to request the presence of other people for fear that the school is going to feel like it's [00:11:00] looks like they you don't trust them kind of feeling?
[00:11:02] Mitra Cummins: I haven't had that question before.
[00:11:04] And I would just say your intention as the parent is to support. So if you know all the things you're, the therapist is implementing that the ABA OT, and you can advocate for that in that meeting, go for it. But if you're like, you know what, let me bring in the professionals so I can sit and digest and just be the parent and make sure as the parent, I'm doing my part.
[00:11:26] Then I'd recommend bringing them if they can be there or getting the information from them on what to bring to that meeting that would be beneficial that the school should know or could know to help with the collaborative piece.
[00:11:38] Dori Durbin: I love that because I think you're right. I think if the professionals don't know what the school is willing to do and the school doesn't know what the professionals are willing to do, there's this big gap of uncertainty and things get lost and you're right.
[00:11:50] It's so much better to be a parent in the middle of that than trying to tie all the strings together.
[00:11:55] Mitra Cummins: So that's why I recommend if you do have an advocate or [00:12:00] you're able, you have the means to get an advocate, let them be the advocate and you just be the parent, you'd be there to let them support you because it's hard to be the parent, especially in those situations.
[00:12:12] You're all doing the best you can with all the resources you have available. And it's just easier if you can sit back and be the parent. And I'm not saying sit back okay, pull up the lounge chair and go, okay, let the professionals handle it. But what I mean is actually just sit and be the parent at that point, because neurodivergent parents, you all wear, all parents do, but neurodivergent, especially you wear so little.
[00:12:35] So many chats that if you can be just the parent in that one focus meeting, that would be the easiest for you.
[00:12:43] Dori Durbin: Now, I know that when my kids get home or they got home when they were younger, they were exhausted from school. And I know some of it was. All of these things, right? These pieces that all have to come together, whether it was just their own school day or if it was external [00:13:00] pieces that came into school.
[00:13:01] So what I always found was if they spent a lot of energy at school, when they came home, they didn't have patients energy for home time. So are there tricks, tips, suggestions that you have so that when our kids, especially neurodivergent kids, when they get home, they can still have a good day after school?
[00:13:22] Mitra Cummins: Yeah, because that was only about half of their waking day, maybe a little more depending on their school day. The two signs I look for, because I worked after school with kids in the school, I worked after school with kids at home. And the two signs I look for is, are they hungry, or are they tired, or are they a combination of the two?
[00:13:42] Those are the two big signs of, What could trigger a meltdown after school, unless something happened earlier in the day that they're like, that they're just bringing into the school day, whether that's something I'm going to say the playground, but even at the lunch tables with their [00:14:00] friends at recess, whatever it might be.
[00:14:03] They could bring that into later in their day, but I'm going to just focus on hunger and tired because those are two big ones that can come up after every school day. And I get it at the end of a work day, if I haven't eaten very much, very little, and I've just utilized my brain so much, I need a brain break.
[00:14:20] So the first few things I look at is how many questions are you asking your kid to connect after school? Because it's normal for us to go, I want to hear all about your day and you ask 20 questions and they're just, they might be just be done and drained and they don't even want to talk. There's a big possibility that might not be the best time.
[00:14:37] So timing matters here too. Noticing, are you asking questions that are. Maybe different than the just typical. How is your day? Some questions I like to throw in when, especially when I was working one on one with kids right after school. And I'm like, okay, let's get you a snack. And I would just sit and chat with them and go, what was a highlight from your day?
[00:14:56] What was something that happened on the playground? [00:15:00] That was fun? funny. I would get creative on what I'm asking and I'd ask maybe one or two and then I'd let them just go off and talk or sometimes we just sit in silence and take that moment and be like, Oh, you look a little tired. I'm noticing that you're a little tired.
[00:15:13] Do you just want a few minutes? And that's where I would say with parenting, be there with them and to incorporate a downtime or brain break of some sort. And during that brain break, during that downtime, have different activities than what they could do because most kids have homework, not all kids, but most kids have homework after school that they need to complete.
[00:15:35] So have different activities for after school and different activities for after school. homework. And I say that because a question that can come up is all my kid wants to do is video games or iPad. And then it creates that meltdown after school that I was trying to avoid, but that's all they want to do.
[00:15:53] Then you as the parent have to decide with them, and also may have to set a boundary of, okay, this downtime [00:16:00] right after school, this 30 minutes, hour, whatever timeline that you guys create together of a sliding scale, because every day you're going to need something different, right?
[00:16:09] Create a little sliding scale. Maybe it's an activity of some sort, whether we, I had one client when I was working one on one. And he just loved coloring. So after school we would color and we would just take that brain break. It was a downtime. It was just one of those tasks that we can shift energy from every day of school and it's a positive experience.
[00:16:30] And I was able to share it with him because it was our time together. I picked him up from school. It was a whole. Interaction experiences. Parents weren't there. But if you're the parent and you're there after school, do a shared experience. I know some parents that like to put together a snack and get them involved in making the snack or creating the tray, or you're just eating a snack together, or you're there while they're eating a snack.
[00:16:52] If you're not hungry, you don't need to eat, of course. So just finding those shared experiences, those shared [00:17:00] interactions, and then with those iPad times, those video game times, if that's an agreed upon. activity for after homework or later in the day, you have to decide that as the parent and just finding those choices to create that time together right after school, because they were just apart from you for so long.
[00:17:19] And if they do need, if they say today, okay, I need me to time mom or dad, then honestly, that just go. Totally cool. Can we come back together after you, shoot some hoops or listen to music or read your chapter book, like whatever your activity is at that point, just to shift that energy. I like how you were re inviting them back into the conversation, because it would be easy to be like take things personally oh, they need time.
[00:17:43] Oh, GM is going to be doing a good job. Oh, but really you're giving them the space to figure out what they need and to decompress. And then to come back to you knowing that there is, there's going to be a time where they're going to be asked more questions or encouraged to participate with you.
[00:17:59] Dori Durbin: [00:18:00] So I love that. That's great advice.
[00:18:02] Of course, yeah, because the questions can come about your day, can happen any time of the day doesn't need to be right after school. It's the
[00:18:09] freshest right after school, but sometimes that you just need that downtime to decompress from it first. Sometimes you don't.
[00:18:15] One of the things that I always think about in conversation is what not to say. And, with your questions asking so many questions after school, I think that's a common habit for a lot of parents. If you have a neurodivergent child, are there things that you shouldn't say or you should avoid saying to them?
[00:18:33] Mitra Cummins: Yeah. So two things that come up avoiding criticism and judgment, and I know that they can be very similar, but they're also in its own capacity of information of what you might say so biggest times of what you might say or what you might not say within criticism or judgment is when there is a behavior that you might need to correct.
[00:18:58] And I use that in the sense [00:19:00] of. You might need to set the boundary in the moment, but maybe it's not the right time, but you need to do it because if you don't do it right now, then it could be a safety concern, right? So handling that, you just need to be mindful of your tone. And then what type of languaging are you using?
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[00:19:17] Mitra Cummins: Are you using more of a positive praise approach or are you saying. No, don't say that. Or can't say that. We can't, we don't do that. That's not something we do. We don't,
[00:19:29] us as humans, we can't process negations. So when we hear don't think of a blue tree, you're going to think of a blue tree first. So same thing goes with everything we say.
[00:19:39] We say don't run. Then we're going to think about running before We need to walk. We got to tell it be direct. What is it that we want? What is it? We want to see more. So that's why positive praise is such a powerful tool.
[00:19:52] So I worked with a client. Back and I bring a lot of kid, like experiences where I worked with kids because it's I bring this with my [00:20:00] clients too.
[00:20:00] So I worked with a kid that was an excessive cusser. He cussed all the time. And he did from five up until 10, when I stopped working with him at that point, cause we had transitioned into other things and he was still cussing at that point, but it went from every, almost every word to like, Once in a while, and it was learned.
[00:20:20] It was definitely learned and the mom really wanted to work on it. Cause in school, it can't be cussing and social settings. It isn't necessarily appropriate. And so that's a normal experience to go, okay, this is the behavior we need to correct in the moment. So every time he would go through an experience, like we would.
[00:20:39] We were playing a game with a group, or we were doing homework, whatever it was, and he had very positive languaging, I would reward that with him, or if he wasn't cursing. Basically, if he was using words outside of cursing, I would reward that, and I would say, I really appreciated that we were able to have a positive [00:21:00] experience, and that our language stayed very neutral, or that our language was able to be in a space where it was accepted by both of That we had a good time.
[00:21:09] I love that we both had a good time and that our words were kept in a way that kept us having a good time. So whatever it might be, I brought up a few examples, but I do have the latter of it. So positive praise most of the time will work. And I've had parents go my kid doesn't respond well to positive praise.
[00:21:30] And there may be a few reasons. One reason might be that they've never had positive praise or they get excessive positive praise and it's Overbearing to the point where they just want to be defiant or they that's just a part of their nature is defiance or that's part of their diagnosis. Whatever it might be.
[00:21:49] It's a tendency. Let's just say burning this example that the negative response. If you respond with a positive praise that it can be a negative response, [00:22:00] then what you want to do is just be more neutral and what's happening in the behavior. My husband explained it perfectly. It's like you're in a sports newscaster and you're talking about what's happening on the field or in the pool or whatever it might be that you're watching in sports.
[00:22:17] You're a sports newscaster. You're talking about what's happening and notice they don't typically have positive influxes. They don't necessarily go, Oh, they're hitting the ball. They hit the ball right there. They grabbed it. They moved over. And so using language in order to express like what you're seeing, what you're experiencing.
[00:22:36] Let's say homework is a hard task for them. And they. Are they got started with the homework for the first time ever on their own? Look I see that you're doing homework, just very neutral. I see you're doing homework, just showing that they're seen showing that if they hurt, if they said something to you I hear that you're upset.
[00:22:58] So in that they're [00:23:00] heard, just utilizing a statement versus a question, utilizing what you're seeing without that positive added to the sentence, just keeping it very neutral. That's ultimately what's going to help them because all of us want to feel seen. We all want to be heard. We all want to really just be loved.
[00:23:18] And so using more languaging around what you're seeing when it comes to The positive praise or just praise in general of what you want to acknowledge is a behavior that you want to continue to perpetuate, even if they're really good at it, utilize it. Hey, I see you're continuing to eat your food really nicely or you're continuing to eat your food.
[00:23:40] Take out nicely. You're continuing to eat your food. You're seated in your seat. I see your seat in your seat. It can be very simple. Sometimes you just have to take away that extra. You heard me even say, nice, taking it out because that could be the thing that deteriorates them from moving forward if they had [00:24:00] that negative experience with positive praise.
[00:24:01] So they just giving them a strategy to feel seen for them to feel heard and really just be loved and acknowledged.
[00:24:10] Dori Durbin: That's awesome. And then you're not, like you said, you're not over complimenting, you're not causing like almost like a block to your words because it's just matter of fact and nonjudgmental really is what it is.
[00:24:24] That's awesome. Oh, I love that. Does that work as far as friendships with neurodivergent kids too? Because I have seen situations where neurodivergent kids really struggle with relationships and having good friends and really investing in people. Does that help with that situation too?
[00:24:40] Mitra Cummins: You having your own connections with your kid will help them evolve outside of the family unit, and sometimes it doesn't.
[00:24:47] So I worked when I was working in several groups and different camps, we focused on the very topic around friendships, connections, and really building the skill set, as well as implementing [00:25:00] strategies and skills to maintaining and create, like creating those connections. Now, things we covered are like.
[00:25:07] Problem solving, perspective taking, flexible thinking, communication, all the skills that may come up within a friendship making and everyone came in from a ray of they had difficulty making friends to having difficulty keeping and maintaining those friendships. When we came all together, one thing I honed in there that I hone in with my clients and hone in with you parents is hone in on what is your child's strengths.
[00:25:31] What are they good at? Because that's going to be the piece that is going to help them propel in their connections and nurturing not only their strengths, but even their interests and hobbies. Because if I, so I don't like running. But my husband loves running or he enjoys it. And so he joined a running group, but I would never join a running group.
[00:25:52] I don't like running. It's not a common interest for me. So finding things that are common interest for your child that other kids may be [00:26:00] around and creating those connections around interest and likes and fun, that's going to start building and strengthening those friendships and those connections.
[00:26:09] And it, you can also. Notice, okay, is it may he or she may have strengths these certain strengths and they have these interests and we're in all these activities, but they're still having trouble with, being flexible, or they're still having trouble with this communication tool, whatever it is, there may be a skill.
[00:26:27] skill that might be lagging and where to look at that is, okay, is there a professional they're already seeing that can help you could say, Hey, I'm noticing this is coming up. Can you work with them on that? Or if you do have the means to have another professional work with them on this, like I mentioned, there's sometimes.
[00:26:44] social skill groups, or in the school, if you have a program, an assessment already made, and this is an area you want them to focus on, and they have the ability to help cultivate that, then maybe doing it there, wherever it might be. If there's something already set up, then [00:27:00] add to it. If you are the person that's okay I actually want to help cultivate that skill as the parent.
[00:27:06] And what is it that I need to do to help cultivate that? And it's just a matter of maybe identifying it with them. Hey, I noticed that X might be challenging for you. Do you agree with that? Is that something that you notice is challenging? I know it's difficult if you are able to have this type of conversation with your child and go, okay you know what?
[00:27:28] I, you can resonate. I also had that challenge too, or I know X who had this challenge, someone that they know that they resonate with. And, maybe we can work together. To work on this or Hey, what if we set up a time, after school, when you're done with your day, maybe at dinner, we could say something that was identifying time where you were able to practice flexible thinking.
[00:27:52] That's the big 1 I'm thinking of right now, being able to be flexible. It could be in school, it could be with your friends, but when you practice one skill in [00:28:00] one area, then it gives the child more opportunities to go, Oh, I practiced it here and I got it here. Now I need to bring it somewhere else.
[00:28:06] And sometimes just mapping it over to another area of life maybe a little tricky, but can be much easier, especially if they have it somewhere else. And if they don't have it at all, then they don't have awareness that they don't have it. So having that conversation to just propel it. Cause if we don't know what we don't know.
[00:28:22] So bringing awareness to it, because then that can give them an opportunity to practice it and practicing it doesn't there's another caveat, you might see it as important, but your kid might not see it as important. So you have to also if you're the person that's the parent that's going in and going, okay, flexible thinking, they're going to need this for life in general, we got to think about where in life, do they need it now?
[00:28:47] Where is it going to help them? Because. If they don't want to have friends or connection, then that's not going to be relevant to them. But if they like certain things like video games, that's a big one. I know [00:29:00] video games are huge. Then having those interactions of in video games, sometimes you have to take a break and think shift your thinking or go at it with a new approach.
[00:29:11] And maybe they're good at that already. And then you can bring it into times where, okay, at school, sometimes you might, you're in this problem solving mode and you're like I can't do this. And you throw your hands up. Would you do that with your video game though? And bringing, bringing it back to them going what's the difference, but also noticing if you can do it there, you can do it anywhere.
[00:29:34] And making it relevant to them because they're not going to be motivated to apply or learn a skill unless they know why it's important to them. Not important to you, important to them. Why, what it would do to help them and propel them forward. Yeah, that's really important too, isn't it? Being able to apply it to yourself and see the value of it.
[00:29:56] Dori Durbin: So just out of curiosity, I know one of the things [00:30:00] that you work with as well is energy and it's the ancient Hawaiian energy. Can you tell us what that is and how that, how you work with it?
[00:30:08] Mitra Cummins: Yeah. So in my work, what my husband and I do, we do an introspective parent coaching. It's one on one the beginning of our program and our sessions, we do two sessions where we're diving deep on What are the blocks?
[00:30:22] What are the limitations? What are you as a parent experiencing regularly that may, that are standing in the way of you achieving a goal that you're looking for, whether that's you're overreactive and you no longer need to be reactive, or you're experiencing a lot of anxiety and around, X and you no longer want to be anxious, right?
[00:30:43] So whatever those blocks are, we get to the root of what's going on. And from there, then we go through release work and setting intentions around what to focus on and taking action and positive action towards that. Now, throughout the sessions, throughout coaching [00:31:00] thereafter, what can happen is different blocks or Times where emotions come up and just other experiences may be happening.
[00:31:07] And I use energy and hypnotic language to help clients feel connected to themselves, feel supported in our sessions and what they're doing and what they're experiencing and be able to process and move forward versus feeling stuck or feeling like hopeless or overwhelmed to no end. Then from there, the biggest thing to understand about.
[00:31:30] Energy work and even hypnotic languaging that is integrated in the energy work and what I do Is the it's a do with process and what I mean by that is I can't make anyone do anything They don't want to do nor do I want to that's way too much power way too much energy And what i'm doing is My clients tell me this is what I want.
[00:31:53] This is what I want to experience. This is how I want to be. And I'm just navigating and facilitating a way [00:32:00] where with these modalities, just to help families become more in tune with themselves and integrate everything. That they're wanting into their lives. So it's just really honing it all in and putting a little bow and package on top.
[00:32:14] I love the fact that you said that you can't make anybody do anything they don't want to because I think that It's so many people's fear But in reality, it's they're almost afraid to get what they want, isn't it? Can be or they're just unlocking the resources that are already within them. And maybe sometimes we just need a facilitator there to help shine a light on the window that they never saw or pull the curtain back and go, Oh, there's the sunset right now.
[00:32:43] Just showing things in a new way. And energy work, not a languaging, but coaching that I do helps bring awareness to that.
[00:32:52] Dori Durbin: Awesome. Okay, here's the hard thing. You've given us so much great information. What are three simple steps parents could do today [00:33:00] to make a big difference in their relationship with their kids, especially if they have neuro, neurodivergent kids?
[00:33:05] Mitra Cummins: Yeah. Top three things, and I've said some of these, but I'm going to just, amplify it a little bit more on a couple of them is first thing is timing matters that really matters making sure you your child are in a calm centered and balanced space and if your child's ready and maybe you need a little bit longer Still taking that time with them because if they come back to you, that's going to be a big point to them of going, okay, I need this.
[00:33:32] This is time to be handled. And you, as the adult go expressing to them, I'm still feeling X and this is how we can move forward. And this is how we can make it a win, whatever it might be. So making sure that the timing matters. Then the second thing, and I haven't, Specified this and it comes with saying is active listening, being active in what is being said by your child.
[00:33:56] So sometimes I hear mom. I don't personally hear that, but I know that's a big thing. [00:34:00] She's not saying that very often yet. And it's mom, or dad. And. Dropping what you're doing for a moment, if you can, or just saying, I need one minute to finish up what you're doing.
[00:34:10] Cause I get it. Sometimes there's a thought that you need to get out on paper or you're finishing a text or you're writing an email or you're doing something with dinner whatever it might be, just being, telling them, I want to be a hundred percent present with you. And I want to be able to fully hear what you have to say.
[00:34:26] So making sure you. When you can, drop what you're doing and pay attention to them and make sure they have your attention. So I know some kids may not be able to give eye contact, but they can have their body directed towards you. Or if that's a skill they're working on, having a way where you're both in that space of active listening, whatever that looks like for your child, making sure that you show them what that looks like too, if that's what they're working on.
[00:34:50] So active listening. And that was number two. Number three is empathize, making sure that you validate what your child is experiencing, what they're [00:35:00] feeling. And you could say that resonates me or I've been there and avoid passing that judgment or that criticism during that time. Cause that's the time to really just help them feel connected, heard and seen.
[00:35:13] So that was tiny matters, active listening and empathize. Those are great. And those are steps that we can all do, no matter what our kids are ages or what their, their capacities are. Even during the day, I'm thinking different times of the day, kids act different. So those are all things that they could do.
[00:35:32] Dori Durbin: So those are great. Thank you so much, Mitra. I appreciate that. Thank you. So where can parents find you and how can they reach out to you if they have questions?
[00:35:43] Mitra Cummins: Yeah we're on Facebook and Instagram at my introspective solution and best place to go is our website, my introspective solution. com.
[00:35:52] If you want to connect with us, we have free connection calls there. And whether it's for us or you're looking for something else and we can put you in the right [00:36:00] direction, just connect with us. We're happy to be there for you guys.
[00:36:03] Dori Durbin: That's awesome. Any last thoughts Mitra?
[00:36:05] Mitra Cummins: Last thought, just you're all doing the best you can with the resources you have available.
[00:36:11] Sometimes it's a matter of unlocking a resource or just attuning into what your resources already are and taking that step forward at that point, but you're all doing amazing.
[00:36:21] And thank you. Thank you for opening this space.
[00:36:24] Dori Durbin: Oh, thank you for being here. This was great. Thanks for your time today.
