1.11 - When Running on Empty is No Longer an Option with Amy Young

Amy Young knows "hard" all too well. She experienced significant loss over a period of time where she was on autopilot and running on empty. She ignored her own needs and grief so as to be strong and support her loved ones, but ended up navigating her own health struggles. Listen in as Tina and Amy chat about seasons of struggle and what Amy learned through it all.

Guest: Amy Young
Instagram: Instagram.com/foreveryoung_amy

Host: Tina Unrue

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• Website: www.selfishmama.com
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• Instagram: @realselfishmama
• LinkedIn: @tina-unrue

Transcript

Amy Young: You're trying to just be there for everybody and you know, you're, you're putting everybody's fires out and making sure everybody is okay and I think that is the catalyst to my collapse.

Welcome to the Selfish Mama Matters Podcast with your host, and my mom, Tina Unrue. 

Tina Unrue: Amy, thank you so much for joining me today on the podcast. I am very excited to talk with you. Um, but before we get started, would you please introduce yourself, share with us your pronouns and share with us how you are showing up in the world these days. 

Amy Young: Hi, I am Amy Young. I'm a mom, a wife, a nurse.

Um, I go by she, her pronouns. And I show up every day as me as, as a wife, as a mom, as a nurse, um, because that's the only way I've ever known how to be, and it's the way I feel most confident and hopefully that shows up to other people. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. That's beautiful. So it sounds like you, you're kind of leaning into authenticity.

Amy Young: Mm-hmm. Definitely. Yeah. I think, you know, as I've gotten older, it's definitely become more apparent, you know, as, as I have a, um, 11 year old, I have 11 year old and an eight year old daughter. So they're at those findings, especially my 11 year old where, you know, being yourself is sometimes kind of hard because you don't always fit in.

And I've reached the point in life where it's good to just be yourself because you attract the people that are supposed to be in your life when you just be yourself. 

Tina Unrue: I have a 13 year old and this topic comes up a lot. And it's really interesting too, because through all the psychology stuff that I've read, I'm far from an expert, of course, but it seems though that that sense of really caring about what other people think is, is a trial that, that, you know, the tweens and teens really have to go through, you know, even though we desperately, I think would love Right. To save them from that, it's almost like a, a rite of passage possibly. Right. 

Does that feel true for you too? 


[00:02:33] Modeling behavior for our kids
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Amy Young: Absolutely. And there's also some really good studies about how mothers, especially mothers of girls, model that behavior. So, if a mom is constantly feeling like she's not good enough and like, kind of outwardly, you know, um, presenting that they will pick up on that and that's what they're gonna put out to the world. That's how they're gonna feel. You know, they're gonna try harder to attract maybe not the right people. So it's pretty interesting. Yeah. 

Tina Unrue: Well I think that would go for almost anything, right? Mm-hmm. It's something that I say a lot, which is, you know, I feel like to be the best mom that I can be, and for all of us really to be the best mom that we can be, it is to be very aware of the values and the drivers and the belief system that drive our lives, because at the end of the day, we're modeling to our kids, oh, 100% in, in subtle, if not sometimes silent ways how to move in the world.


[00:03:43] Making space for our kids to call us out
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Amy Young: And no one can check you better than a tween or a teen. 

Tina Unrue: Right. Oh my goodness. How, how have your kids checked you before? If you're willing to share, if not. 

Amy Young: Oh, yeah, yeah. Completely. I mean, definitely, you know, my oldest will say, 

mom, you are doing the same things you try and calm me down for. And I'm like, you're right. You're right. I am. You're right. And it's a hard pill to swallow when you're, when you're 11 year old is like, Hey mom. All the things you're telling me not to do, you're doing. 

Tina Unrue: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. , I, you know, I so agree with you. Mm-hmm. . And I also think that it creates a beautiful connection mm-hmm. between us and our kids. Yeah. When we can create the space that allows it to be acceptable and okay, and even helpful when, mm-hmm. we allow our kids to see us and see our flaws and be able to tell us mm-hmm.

and help highlight it for us. I think that that does a few things. Number one, it empowers them. Mm-hmm. Number two, it increases, I think, their awareness of what it looks like, right? Mm-hmm. And number three, it creates an incredible sense of safety and a deep bond. Yeah. Between parent and child. Right. Do you agree with that?

Does it feel true with your home? 


[00:05:18] Creating connection with our tween/teen through journaling
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Amy Young: Absolutely. We started doing something recently. I journal a lot. And sometimes with my older daughter, she doesn't like to tell me things or, you know, she's not as open as I would like her to be. So we started journaling together and I, you know, I bought this like mom and daughter journal and some of it is directed questions and other ones are just free write and I'll, you know, if I know that there's something going on with her, but I don't know specifically what it is, I'll just like write her a little note, leave it in her room. She'll write back. Sometimes it'll take her a few days. And sometimes she'll talk to me about it in the car, you know, after dance. And some days she'll never speak about it. But like, that's our, that's our talk. Yeah. And it's, and it's definitely, it's definitely brought us closer because we both know that, you know, the other one knows, and if we wanna talk about it, we're there and it's, it's good.

Tina Unrue: Yeah. It made me think about a very common thing that I read about, which is kids don't want to have us kind of, you know, let's come to the table and have this discussion, and everything's very formal, right? Like, there's no way we're really gonna connect and bond well with our kids that way.

Mm-hmm. And so I've heard of this method before, which I think is awesome. Like these notes kind of being shared back and forth. I've also heard of like a message or a word wall where like somebody had painted a particular portion of a wall with like that chalkboard paint. Mm-hmm. And then you can write something if you want.

So that way it kind of, it, it's this message that you share and clearly not with anonymity. But it's that, that distance in essence, right, right. Where you got to write it without kind of the eyes and ears and immediate, um, sense of fear of judgment or response in that moment, you were able to share it freely. So you guys do that thing too.

And also like having chats in the car. You know, where you're not eye to eye. You know, you kind of have this sense of, oddly enough, a disconnection that creates connection. Mm-hmm. , if you will. Right. How long have you guys been doing this? 

Amy Young: Um, the journaling? I would say over the past year. The car chats we've been doing for a while.

Yeah. Yeah. Probably definitely since like the pandemic. Um, you know, just because, I mean, there was nowhere to go. So , we, we would drive around the car and we'd talk. And, you know, because my kids were home the first year. Um, and then they, you know, that first, like, they were left in March and then the whole next year they were doing virtual school.

And it was hard. It was hard for them. You know, they, um, and especially my older one, she missed her friends. She didn't have dance in person. It was really hard for her, and that's kind of her outlet. Um, so we would take, we would take car rides and just, I'm like, what's going on? Talk. I'm like, I'm just not gonna say anything.

You're gonna talk. Yeah. And, and it worked. 

Tina Unrue: That's awesome. Mom's listening, I hope that you are picking up some, some tips here today. Drive your kids around in the car if you need to. 

Or leave notes or create a fun word wall. Yeah. So as a way to, you know, connect with your kids, which is really important. At the end of the day, that's, that's what we want, right? Mm-hmm. , we wanna create that safe space and bond with our kids that we, they know that they can come to us mm-hmm. in their times of need. For sure. 

So, what do you think has contributed most to you know, your sense of authenticity and wanting to model that for your kids. 


[00:09:22] Navigating a long season of struggle
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Amy Young: I've been through a lot of loss in my life.

Um, I lost 10 close family members in 10 years to, um, the majority to cancer. Um, and you know, my father died, um, 10 years ago, and that was probably, you know, the, the closest one. And then my brother-in-law, my nieces, um, three year, two, two years older than my oldest daughter. So she was 10 years old. She was, you know, the same age as my daughter is.

So she was 10 years old when her father died. He died at 45. Um, you know, um, 43.

I distinctly remember driving her to the hospital that day um, and my sister was already at the hospital with him and she said, you have to get here. And she had been staying at my house so that my sister could care for him. Um, and I remember driving to the hospital and I had to tell her in the car that her father had just died.

And between that and watching my father die, you know, a few years before that of cancer, it just solidified for me, like you get one chance at this and life is really short. You know, every day might not be the most fantastic day, but you're here every day and you need to just show up and be who you are. And you know, not everyone's gonna like that, and that's okay. But there's a reason that you're here. And that's what I try to, you know, that's what I try and teach my kids. That's what I try and teach my niece and, you know, um, that's really where it came from. 

And then this almost a year ago now, um, so a year ago, September, um, last Labor Day, um, I went to get up out of bed for work and I collapsed. Couldn't feel my legs, um, was flat on my back for three days and I thought I was paralyzed and I had herniated a disc in my back. 

And then last December I had spine surgery and they told me when I went for the spine surgery, they're like, there's a chance that you, you know, there, there's a very minimal chance, but there's a chance that you could be paralyzed. And I'm a nurse for a living. And I'm a mom, you know, like I'm always on the go driving my kids around. I had to dig deep because there were some really dark days that, you know, I didn't know what was coming. And that's when I kind of had to pivot a little bit in my life and be like, so what's, what's the next, what's the next thing? I need a backup plan. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. Wow. So, so much loss. Say again? I said sorry that was heavy. No, no, no. It's okay. I mean, you know, I think one of the biggest things that I really want to do in sharing this podcast is not necessarily to always share heavy stories, but to normalize that we all heavy stories. We all have heavy chapters, if that's what you wanna call it, or seasons. Right. Right. And that there's, there's a, a myriad ways to handle it and get through it. There is no necessarily a, a right or wrong. Mm-hmm. , there's just your heavy and how you got through it. Right. Like that is the point of this story.

So I'm incredibly grateful for you sharing your story. Oh, that's a lot of loss and a lot of, you know, challenge for you. I, I have not had to, you know, share with anybody else someone has passed, yet, you know, that close to me. So, I just, I don't envy that having to have that discussion. Yeah. Um, and just the loss that you experienced directly as well, right. Not just the, the experiences even surrounding those losses. Right. Um, it's all so tough. 

Amy Young: Yeah. And I think like during that time, it almost like, sadly it was, I was on autopilot because, you know. I mean, my dad and my brother-in-law, like I said, the last two. They were by far the saddest. But you're in that mode of grief again and again and again, and like helping other people go through it and, you know, trying to be strong. And at this point, well my oldest was three months old when my dad died, but my, um, when my brother-in-law died, I had two little kids and my niece and, you know, you're trying to just be there for everybody and you know, you're, you're putting everybody's fires out and making sure everybody is okay and I think that is the catalyst to my collapse. You know, like I was pushing myself and pushing myself and pushing myself, and I wasn't taking care of me because I was trying to, like I've told you before, put everybody else's fires out, but I didn't notice that mine was going out, you know? 

Tina Unrue: Right, right. I think that that is, um, aspect of the story that so many of us can relate to it. It's, it's that silent path to burnout. We don't even realize it until something major happens that captures our attention. Right. And so for you it was being on the floor and laid up and that, I can't even imagine how scary that was. Mm-hmm. 

So when you think back, would you have done anything differently?

Amy Young: Whew. That's a good question. I mean, hindsight is always 2020, you know? Um, I probably would've taken better care of myself all along and taken more time for myself and not felt like that was the selfish thing to do, and that it was okay and like given myself permission to, to do that, um, because I probably would've taken better care of everybody else had I done that.

Tina Unrue: Yeah. Mm-hmm. , thank you for sharing that. 


[00:16:11] Intentionally creating more time for ourselves
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Tina Unrue: So, you know, if that's how you would have handled it, obviously in hindsight, right? Mm-hmm. how do you take care of yourself now or prioritize yourself now to try and find balance between self care and selflessness. 

Amy Young: Yeah. Um, I do a lot of journaling. I do yoga every, every Sunday I do yoga.

Um, it's my time and that's sort of my priorities. You know, I, I started a business just to help kind of empower other people, but it was more for me,you know, to say like, this is mine, this is like my own time, my own space. This is what I get to do and it's really fun. And that's, um, those are all the things that I like to do for me. 


[00:17:14] Creating a life that reflects more of us rather than less
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Tina Unrue: I just, I wanna sit here in what you just said for a moment, cuz I think it's really important for people to hear. You know, this is the first time you and I are meeting really, so I love continuously having these conversations on the podcast because the same thing keeps coming up over and over and over, and it is now evident here as well.

And it just shows that there is validity in what I'm about to say, which is: we can serve the world when we are self-aware and self-caring and self-giving and aligned. I call all of that being selfish, meaning I do not love the term selfish as it's defined in the dictionary because it's only with a negative connotation, which I think is complete and utter bull crap.

Um, it just means to create a life that's more like yourself. And I would love to do that all dang day. Right. 

And so you just showed how you did that, right? You chose something for you as time for yourself. As it sounds like it might be just something that's really of interest to you, or it was something that you were just really curious about or something that kind of lit you up so you decided, okay, I'm gonna do this for me.

But in doing so, it either became a business or it already was, you know, the interest to, to connect with other people. Mm-hmm. through this means of something that still lit you up, right? Mm-hmm. . Yeah. And so, you know, I really want everyone listening to hear that. When you find something for you, it doesn't, you don't have to pursue it as a business. Right. You are allowed to have an effing hobby. Mm-hmm. just to have a hobby. Mm-hmm. . If you get to monetize it, then all the better. Yay. We're clapping for you and celebrating. Absolutely. But not everything needs to be monetized. Just find something that lights a spark in you or that you think might do it, right? I think it's Liz Gilbert who says, follow your curiosities. Like she is against the whole, find your purpose and she's just, find your curiosities, follow them, right? Mm-hmm. 

So, so first of all, what is the business? And second of all, how did you identify it, you know, as an option for you? Yeah. And, and, made you connect with it so much?

Amy Young: Yeah, I'm a brand partner at Savvy Lifestyle. Um, it is a clothing company, but I really got into it because of the community. The whole motto is women are given permission to show up as they are right at this moment. You don't need to change yourself, just be you.

And I loved that because I have never wanted to show up as anything but myself, you know? And, um, like I said before, that, that may not always be somebody's cup of tea, but there's someone out there that can connect with this, you know, is a mom who's struggling or, you know, has been through loss or whatever and so for me that's what it's more about is showing up.

And yes, the clothes are great, but it's more about giving through the through the clothes, you're giving someone confidence, you're giving someone, you know, that ability to just show up as themselves and not care what other people like. Yeah. And that's a pretty amazing thing. 


[00:21:22] We all want to know we're enough
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Tina Unrue: Absolutely. And I think it's really important because I think at the end of the day, possibly for all of us, we just wanna know that we're enough.

Amy Young: Mm-hmm. . Yeah. Great. Exactly. 

Tina Unrue: And. We're all striving to hear that and receive that and to accept it. Mm-hmm. For ourselves, right? Like on the daily, we just wanna have that. I think that's really what confidence is at the, at the heart of it, isn't it? Mm-hmm. It's just confidence in your own skin and not being swayed or impacted by anything else or anyone else, you know, outside of you.

Right, right. And we all can achieve that through whether it be fashion, or thought work like I do, you know, mental wellness, teaching, nursing. I, it, there's so many ways that we can reach that end goal and help others get there as well. Like there's just, there's an endless stream of options to do this and we all have to find the thing, the way, the method that we connect with.

Amy Young: Right? For sure. 100. Yeah. I was at a conference recently and the speaker said, you know, when you help a woman, you can help the world. And it spoke to me. Like I, I repeat that again and again and again because it really spoke to me because it's true.

Like you, when you show a woman what she's capable of, that she might not necessarily see in herself at the moment, then she shows up better for herself, she shows up better for her kids, she shows up better for her work. When that fire was lit in me, I started showing up better at my nursing job.

Like I, I'm a different person than I was a year ago. 

Tina Unrue: And, and would you say that you're a different person than you were a year ago because of the, the way that that statement resonated with you? 

Amy Young: I think I'm a different person because I found a community that helped me find me. 

Tina Unrue: Hmm.

That is beautiful.

What would you say you found that was hiding before? 

Amy Young: Hmm. I, definitely my confidence, um, my confidence was very much hiding. I think I would almost pretend to be confident, you know, kind of fake it to make it but it wasn't authentic. And now it's real, and it's good. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. It's kind of like realizing you've been wearing a mask and being able to take it off. Right. 

Amy Young: Right. My phrase for the year has been why not? Like, why not? Because that's how I feel about life these days. You know, I've just come to the point where I'm like, all right, I'll try it. Why not? I'll do a podcast. Okay. Mm-hmm. , you know? 

Tina Unrue: Exactly. You know, I think that's a really important point too to, to acknowledge within ourselves, is that sense of playfulness and freedom to try and to believe in limitless possibility or opportunity as opposed to all of the doubt and fear. 

Without having to go through something as major as you did, collapsing out of bed and, and having to go through surgery and, and the fears that were around that, what would you tell other women, to consider before they hit that point where, you know, their, the burnout has some type of physical manifestation? 

Yeah. What would you tell them to do to be able to find themselves? 


[00:25:43] Suggestions on finding yourself and prioritizing self-care
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Amy Young: Yeah. Well, I think as women, we feel it. We feel when, you're getting to that point, you know. I mean, I felt it. I ignored it again and again and again. And so I guess my biggest tip would be don't ignore it. Don't ignore the little signs.

You know, maybe you're getting more tired and you're like, oh, well there's just a lot going on. You know, take that time for yourself. And, start small, whether it be, five minutes a day. Just find something, anything that resonates with you, like you said, it doesn't have to be a business. Just something that you can connect with that lights your fire. 

And find a group of people that light your fire. I love my husband. He is Saint on Earth, but even still with all that I needed another group. You know, when I have my friends, I have my girlfriends, but there was still something missing and you know, so you gotta find, find that group that just lights you on fire, that lifts you up, that makes you feel you again. 


[00:26:51] A variety of relationships are required to fulfill our needs
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Tina Unrue: That's really important because I think so often because we are running, oftentimes on empty, mm-hmm ,we are expecting those who are closest to us to be everything we need. 

Amy Young: Right. But they're running on empty too. You just can't see it. 

Tina Unrue: Right, right. Or quite frankly, too, they just don't have the capacity to be everything we need them to be. Mm-hmm. , right? Mm-hmm. like mm-hmm.

Each relationship has its place. Mm-hmm., and it doesn't mean that our partner or our kids or our next door neighbor or our best friends can't be more than just one role or, or fill one need in our lives. But I think it's really important for us to realize maybe when we are putting too much expectation on a particular relationship mm-hmm. to fulfill a need that maybe yes, we could fulfill through another means, or quite frankly, we should be fulfilling ourselves. Mm-hmm. Right. And that's a tough one. Like, I know I did that. I expected for a very long time for, you know, people to like me and not rock the boat. Right. And so I was always waiting for other people to kind of validate me and mm-hmm. you know, make sure that I felt accepted and I belonged and I had good ideas. Right. And all of these things. Mm-hmm. , um, and I'm very much now like you, where I don't care. It doesn't mean that I don't care in my delivery. I'm still very thoughtful in my delivery but there's no longer the dependence mm-hmm. on how they are going to respond, um, or what they're going to think about it. 


[00:28:37] The energy we carry matters
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Amy Young: Mm-hmm. It was funny, I just got the invitation to my 25th high school reunion. Mm-hmm. And when the last time we had one was, I think it was like our 15th or something, and I distinctly remember at that one going into it and seeing a certain group of people and I was like, I got all those, like mean girl, like high school feelings just as I was walking in the door. And this time when I got the invitation, I was actually just thinking about this this morning. I'm like, I don't feel like that anymore cuz I'm showing up different, you know? Mm-hmm. 

Tina Unrue: Man, how important it is to take responsibility and ownership for how we show up.

Mm-hmm. , right? Mm-hmm. . 

I just heard a quote, today actually, and I have it written here. Not that I planned this at all, but it just seems to be appropriate. Um, it was from Dr. Steven Hayes and he says, my experience is not my enemy. Right? How powerful. 100%. Say again? I said 100%. Yeah. Right. How, how powerful is it that we can choose how we want to think about the experience?

Right? We often think about relationships only between two humans or multiple humans. But we can still have a relationship to an experience. We can have a relationship with money. We can have a relationship with time. And how we show up mm-hmm. , how the energy we have and we bring to that experience or that thought, whatever the engagement is, it matters.

Mm-hmm. , because it then shapes, quite frankly, the entire experience. Just like you said. I can choose to walk in with fear and trepidation, or I can choose to walk in with a sense of confidence and ownership. Mm-hmm. , and you're gonna have two different experiences. I love that. I could talk about that all day.

Amy Young: Yeah. Well it's, it's the whole, people who have kind of like a victim mentality, you know, like everybody's been through stuff, but it's how you move through life with the stuff that you've been through. You know, you can, you can focus on it and you can be like, oh, woe is me and I deserve this and you should give me this because of everything.

No, no. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah, yeah. And, and you know, quite frankly, it's a choice, right? Mm-hmm. 100%. People can choose to see things that way and continue to live that way, or they can choose to look at it hopefully with an increased amount of compassion. Mm-hmm. and forgiveness right for themselves, no matter where they are in the spectrum of approaching life through that lens, right. Um, and giving themselves the gift of finding people, therapists, coaches, counselors, whatever it is to help them process whatever it is that they've been through. Because like you said, everybody's had their heavy. Everybody's had something hard to go through. And you know, what if the whole point of it is to figure out how not to let it control you. To heal from it, to make peace with it in whatever way makes sense for you. But to then be able to still enjoy the time that you have here on earth. Because like you said at the beginning, right, we only have one shot at this. Right. Um, and we might as well try and make the most of it, even in the face of the fact that we don't get to control all of our circumstances. 

Amy Young: Right. You know? Yeah. I mean, you've, you go through all these experiences for a reason. And at the time you don't know what that reason is, and you might not know what that reason is for years, but do you want to stick in the, the victim mode and the grief and never find out? Or do you want to go through your life and take what you've been through and use it positively and you know, that will lead you toward finding out. 

Tina Unrue: Yeah. As we wrap up today, I wanna ask what's mattering most to you? 

Amy Young: Oh, um, being there for my kids and, and being calm and present. And, you know, it doesn't always work, um, . But overall, um, I would say, trying to really show up for myself each and every day so that I can show up for them.

Tina Unrue: Hmm. I love that. I, it's so important for everybody to hear that showing up for yourself allows you to show up better for others. Mm-hmm. They're not mutually exclusive. Nope. Selfishness leads to authentic selflessness. Mm-hmm. . Mm-hmm. . Um, so thank you for that. How can people find you if they wanna reach out?

Amy Young: Yeah, so I'm on Instagram, it's at Forever Young underscore Amy Or, um, on Facebook. Amy Young. Just search my name. 

Tina Unrue: Awesome. Well, I think your story is gonna resonate with a lot of people. I hope that they, they listen and take, your words to heart. 

Thank you again for sharing your story. 

Amy Young: Thank you so much for having me. 

Tina Unrue: No matter if you've experienced excessive loss or not, I think many of us can relate to those seasons of life where we feel like we're just treading to keep our heads above water. In those seasons of hard, we are in 100% survival mode. We're simply focused on others and the next thing that needs to get done. And the next fire that needs to be extinguished. And we go to sleep. And we wake up. And we do it all over again all the while ignoring the aches and the pains, and the little whispers that we, we know that we should be paying attention to, but we don't feel like we have time to deal with it. So we convince ourselves that we can't pause because everything or everyone around us will fall apart. 

There are so many instances where that's true, especially when we lose loved ones. But sometimes it isn't true. And we have to be willing to be honest with ourselves about that. And the, let ourselves off the hook for holding everyone else up at the expense of ourselves and our health. As was Amy's case, she remained in that cycle for so long that her body just gave out. 

She ignored the signs and continued to prioritize everyone and everything above her needs. If any of this feels all too true for you, either in the past, or even now, I'm sending you my deepest wishes for support and for moments to pause and reflect on your given situation and whether or not you can opt for changes to ensure that your needs are also taken care of. I know it's often times easier said than done. 

As you can, ensure you have a variety of people in your circle who can support you in your difficult seasons and celebrate you in your joyous ones. Try to carve out time for even small moments to pursue things that light you up and delight our re-energize you. As a mom, you deserve to do things to nurture yourself. You can't always be the one who's caring for everyone else and having no one care for you. 

Amy, thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It was my honor to have a platform to share it with others. I'm excited to hear that you have such a supportive network in your life. And my hope is that other moms listening will create one equally as beneficial. 

Amy's information will be in the show notes. Connect with her or with me to let us know what resonated. 

If you enjoyed this episode, I would be deeply honored if you would leave us a review, share the podcast, rate the podcast just so that other mamas who might need to hear this message can find it and maybe get the same benefit that you did. Thank you all for being here. Thank you for daring to be selfish, and we hope to see you next time.