Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40
Spicy Midlife Women is the ultimate podcast for women over 40 who are rewriting the rules of midlife, breaking free from relationship drama, and leaving toxic patterns behind.
It’s all about embracing authenticity, building meaningful connections, and living unapologetically through candid conversations, hard-earned wisdom, and raw truth.
Hosted by Jules and Michele, two midlife women with real stories and no-BS advice, the Spicy MidLife Women Podcast will guide you in redefining relationships, breaking free from what's holding you back, and reclaiming your power—one episode at a time!
Prepare to get clear on what you really want in your relationships—whether it’s romance, family, or friendships, let go of past baggage and open yourself up to the possibility of fresh, exciting connections.
You’ll also gain the wisdom and confidence to approach dating and relationships with confidence and zero judgment, and feel empowered to ditch outdated expectations, creating a life that truly feels good on your own terms.
Plus, find a supportive sisterhood along the way—because you don’t have to do this alone!
Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40
Season 2 Episode 73 People-Pleasing: Boundaries and Self-Care
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Ever found yourself saying 'yes' when you really mean 'no'? In this enlightening episode, we unravel the intricate web of people-pleasing, particularly through the lens of women and mothers. Growing up in environments where self-sacrifice is often glorified, many of us inherit the heavy burden of prioritizing others over ourselves. We share personal stories from childhood, such as growing up in large families, and discuss how these experiences shape our guilt and expectations around people-pleasing. Learn why recognizing when this behavior becomes overwhelming is crucial and discover the profound importance of self-care and setting boundaries.
We also dive into the struggles faced by dual-income households and overcommitted parents trying to juggle hectic schedules. Have you ever felt the emotional toll of being stretched too thin? Through personal anecdotes, we illustrate the exhaustion and short tempers that come with constant overextension. We discuss the necessity of setting boundaries, delegating tasks, and knowing when to slow down—not just for our own mental well-being but for the sake of our families too. This episode is packed with practical strategies to help you reclaim your time and sanity, showing that it's okay to step back and prioritize yourself.
Lastly, we tackle the delicate art of respecting boundaries within relationships. How do you recognize a boundary when it's not explicitly stated? We explore this and more, sharing examples and insights into the importance of clear communication and mutual respect. Self-awareness and understanding are key to maintaining healthy and balanced relationships. Learn how to offer alternative solutions without guilt and why forgiveness is essential in navigating these dynamics. Join us for a candid and heartfelt discussion, aimed at helping you lead a more balanced and fulfilling life by overcoming people-pleasing tendencies.
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Spicy Midlife Women: Real Talk, Raw Truth, and Bold Moves for Women Over 40
Women and People Pleasing
Speaker 1Hey everybody . This is Michelle and this is Julie . Welcome to a blonde , a brunette and a mic podcast . What is our podcast all about , you ask ?
Speaker 2Well , we're 250 something , women with life experience and oh , plenty to say , which is exactly what we're gonna do right now .
Speaker 1Hey , now , hey , shelly hey , what ?
Speaker 2what's this song ? I'm not afraid to take a stand everybody come take my hand . I'm saying this because I'm not afraid to take a stand . Okay on people , pleasing I don't .
Speaker 1I back to the song . I don't do that is eminem . Oh . Oh Sorry , I couldn't tell you weren't quite doing it Thuggish and Rappish enough .
Speaker 2I'm not afraid To take a step , and Everybody .
Speaker 1Oh , okay , okay , come take my hand . I don't , I don't know that , I know that song , sorry Wow . I'm just saying , I know .
Speaker 2He's a rapper from Detroit . I know . I know who Eminem is .
Speaker 1Give me a break . Come on now . Come on now . And I just know the two Trailer Park girls go around the outside .
Speaker 2That's the Eminem , I know he just did an RIP for Slim Shady .
Speaker 1Oh .
Speaker 2Yeah , so all his music is playing on the radio like he died , got it . Got radio like he died . I've been hearing a lot of his song for all of you out there who don't know who Eminem is .
Speaker 1He's a rapper . Yeah , I'm sure everybody knows a rapper from Detroit .
Speaker 2Yeah , yeah , anyway , I love him . But , we are here today to talk about people pleasing and all of the things that encompass people pleasing . What do you think of that ?
Speaker 1Well , I think as women , people-pleasing . What do you think of that ? Well , I think as women mothers in nature . You and I are both mothers , so the nature of that . We tend to get quite caught up in that .
Speaker 2I know , I do , I know I do too . I think that people-pleasing is kind of inherent sometimes in people's personality . It perhaps is something that started , maybe even when they were little I was just gonna say .
Speaker 1I think a lot of that has to do with the goings on that you grew up in and things going on around the environment Trying not to make waves , trying to keep things calm .
Speaker 2Yeah , so for all of you out there , behavior people pleasing behavior is where you put your needs and desires behind someone else's . You know where you're putting someone else ahead of you essentially all the time , and it's , like I said before , coming from perhaps things that are in your past or your childhood , that's where a lot of it , I think , comes from With me .
Speaker 2I don't know how you feel about this , but with me . A lot of it's when you were raised . I feel guilty half the time if I don't do things for people or if I feel like gosh . I have the ability to do that . It would be , quote , selfish of me not to do it because I'm only thinking of myself . That's a thought process that has certainly gone on in my head . I don't know how you have managed that .
Speaker 1Yeah , I think growing up again , I was in a very large family .
Speaker 2Right .
Speaker 1Eight children , mom and dad . The Mormon Church is quite a dutiful organization to be a part of , so I would see and watch my parents give relentlessly and so much sacrifice and getting us to church and doing the callings that they would have within that organization and the time that they would put just it was a constant serving serving , which I think is amazing .
Speaker 2I think it's wonderful to be able to do that . What you're describing sounds daunting to me , especially in that timeframe your parents were raising eight kids , I mean that's what I mean they would .
Speaker 1They would do so much in the church and then they would do so much at home . It was just so .
Speaker 1That's the you know , an example that I saw all the time and that you and now don't get me wrong , cause I am a believer in service and doing things for other people and and all of that . And in regard to your family , all those things , I think there's so much of it that goes without saying in those roles that we have . Life goes on and if you do have children and things like that . But I also think as I've gotten older , I've learned that you need to recognize when it might be too much , Recognize when you're tired , Know that it's okay and realize that taking a step back doesn't mean that you're not worth something .
Speaker 2Right , because you're running on empty or
Setting Boundaries and Overcoming People Pleasing
Speaker 2whatever . Yeah , I was chatting with a dear friend of mine today . She's elderly and we were talking about how this topic actually I was telling her how we were going to be recording today and what we were discussing and the people pleasing aspects of our discussion . Really she was like you're describing my daughter . She's so overwhelmed , so overcommitted , doing everything for the kids , for their school , for their sports , for there's really nothing left Like she's exhausted .
Speaker 1Well , and I feel like as a generation it's kind of progressed to this because we've got , you know we've here we go . But you know two income households , typically if everyone's intact , if it's a . You know two parent households still we've got children , all the things both parents typically now are working and there's so many things that we're trying to distract our children from not being a part of that . We have to commit to all these things to keep our children busy . We're busy , everybody's busy .
Speaker 2I wonder sometimes , though , if we I mean having , you know , raised kids and seeing other people that are raising kids they're so overcommitted on all of these activities that this is we've talked about this before but kind of the breakdown of the family in a lot of ways . Wow , I sound really Mormon , don't I ? But it's and I'm not yeah , but it's uh . But really , when you think about it , because I did it , I mean it's like my family did it .
Speaker 2We were going like nine million miles an hour all the time , and you just see how things become disconnected and that is really how our environment is . Now I don't know how we're getting onto that with people pleasing , but I know . But when you think about the amount of things that you want to try to do to help other people and we have I've always thought I don't say super woman syndrome , but the bandwidth to be able to do a lot of that , and what I'd noticed in myself and in others , frankly , you know throughout the years you as well , is that we really were not very good at putting up boundaries right on just basic things , because the boundaries make you feel like gosh , I'm not over committed , I'm not feeling overwhelmed , I've got room , I've got bandwidth , I can help , I can do this , I can do that , whatever the case may be .
Speaker 2And that's exactly what I would do . I'd be like , wow , I've got a , like a free moment . I can add something else in and I would and that might be something where I would overcommit on doing a project or like for the kids school , or over overcommit on trying to do too many things in one day , like I'd pack my calendar to do too many things in one day and then you're trying to help you know people or you're trying to do someone a favor , or you're helping someone move or whatever , and you're exhausted because you literally have no downtime .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2And so I mean I can think of countless times . You know that I've done that , but I feel like as I've gotten older , I've definitely started to put more parameters in place around that , because I don't like feeling that way , and before I guess I didn't really realize that I was creating the problem myself .
Speaker 1Well , and I think too , when we get to those points of bandwidth , like you say , when it's stretched too thin and we've done too much and overcommitted , that's when we would have I know me , short , short tempers , exhaustion , you know , not very much pleasant energy to give when it's needed you know .
Speaker 2So let me ask you this If you've you've said yes , why did you say yes to something that you didn't want to do ?
Speaker 1That's what I was . That's what I was as you were talking , thinking about how important it is to be able to recognize and understand what your boundaries need to be , or what that looks like for you personally . And why do we just continue to give , give , give of our time and when we don't necessarily have it ? I ?
Speaker 2think if we had that time set aside to be able to nurture our own well-being , then maybe we would feel better about it . But I can say , as I've now gotten older , the things that were priorities before obviously aren't priorities anymore and there's more time , if I allow it , to nurture the things that I want to nurture , because I'm not taking care of a bunch of other people in the same way that I was before . But I also think that when you say yes , when you say yes to something I know me and I will keep , I will keep throwing for work whatever . I'll keep throwing things at people until they put their hand up and say no , because that's my . I mean I get focused and I'm driven and blah , blah , blah . So it's like I'll just keep .
Speaker 2I remember continuing to do that and I did that with Zoe when she was working with us and she was like you're giving me too many things at once and I remember stopping and going . I don't , I don't handle the things the same way that obviously she does . She's very efficient , thorough with what she does . She's raising her hand and she maybe feels comfortable doing that because I'm her mom . I mean , if she was working for someone else maybe she wouldn't feel the same way . Yeah , but she did feel comfortable raising her hand and saying I need you to slow down , which I did , and I didn't take offense to it or anything . It was just more like I am giving her what until she says uncle . And I remember at Nordstrom , this same conversation with one gal . I can remember she was just like I'm just you're giving me too much to do or I'm overwhelmed . Well , this was a person who I thought could handle a lot . So she could .
Speaker 1But I was giving her even more than that . So let me ask you this on the flip side , when you do that and they say you're giving me too much , did you Were there ever any circumstances where you maybe kind of felt bad ? Yeah , heck , yeah , you know what I mean .
Speaker 2Well , I try to read , I would try to pull back a little bit and go maybe some of the things that I'm sending to her to do I could do myself . I mean , if you're an assistant you're supposed to handle a lot of those things , but some of them might be things that I could just handle really easily . I don't need to give them to her to do .
Speaker 2Yeah , and recognizing that we were busy and so there was a lot coming at her , you know , it's interesting that we recognize that when somebody else puts their hand up and says you're giving me too much , but we never really I know I don't do we ever really do that to ourselves , okay so , that's where it goes , because I'm saying my raising my hand makes me feel like I am a letting someone down , at which I very well may not be , because they're like no problem at all or whatever . Or I'm letting myself down or I'm feeling like a loser kind of you know like because you just you over committed and you shouldn't have done that .
Speaker 2But now you're doing everything kind of half assed because you're trying to make too many people happy and really when you step back and look at it , it's like you're not really helping .
Speaker 1Well , and that's what I mean , like we need to recognize that before we end up doing that and say really asking ourselves and causing ourselves to pause and go should I really commit to that ? Do I really need to be doing that ?
Speaker 2Or is this too much for my plate , or another approach might be I don't have time for that today , but I'm available next week Instead of trying to fit everything into someone else's parameters , that you give what your parameters are and if those parameters don't work for that person , that's not on you , right ? You know you have to just kind of be okay with it , you know , let it go . So I think that the people pleasing is when you try to put things into motion that are not necessarily fitting into whatever you've got going on , then you create resentment for your you know you might be feeling resentful , you're overwhelmed , you might get asked by someone else and you throw something else on your plate on top of it and you're miserable .
Speaker 2Yeah , you know , and in all of that because you care about somebody and you want to be able to help them , but you got to really look at the people that are asking too .
Speaker 1Well , and there's . There's another word that came to mind when we were getting ready for this . I know somebody that actually is taking a class in regard to this and it all has to do with codependency . So codependency is not feeling worthy and you have the need to get approval , so you're doing things to get approval from people . It makes you feel needed and makes you feel , makes you feel better about those tasks , things that you are doing .
Speaker 2You'll find with people like that . I have some people in my life like that right now that are extreme people pleasers that need constant validation , constant validation , constant . Thank you , we appreciate you , which you do , but it's like , but it's constant , and if you don't , then their feelings will get hurt and that's sometimes even more stressful because you're worried that you're not going to you know . Let them know that you appreciate them enough or whatever .
Speaker 2So that's kind of something to think about too , I guess . Going back to that question , if you said yes , why did you say yes if you didn't want to do something , Right ?
Speaker 1Why Did you say yes , if ? You didn't want to do something Right . Why , I think sometimes , depending on what that is , what it is that you said yes to . You know you don't want to feel guilty or , like you , let somebody down it just goes back to all those again , those behaviors that I think have a lot to do with how you were brought up , the environments that you were brought up in and the kinds of activities that you were involved in in doing so and the examples that you had in doing that it's a fine line , because I know codependency has a lot to do with being an enabler too .
Speaker 1So I know that I am like this . I know that I tend to do a lot more for I won't say , just say people , but my children . I'll just use that as an example .
Speaker 2then I need to no-transcript and I'm just like that poor , oh my God . He was so stressed out . So I'm just like you know what ? I just went , packed all his clothes that I think he would need for the next three , four weeks because he'll be in transit and got everything ready for the movers to come and said go , lay down two days , you'll be back to normal and just put him in the spare room with his dog and have a nice day and he was so appreciative of just taking that extra time to help him .
Speaker 2Of course I'm going to help him , Of course you know , but he acknowledged it , which I think was nice . You know it was kind of nice of him to do and it goes without saying that if your efforts are recognized then you know people appreciate you . That is . That goes a long ways , and maybe some people assume that you know that . I think it's important to share that with people , if they're going out of their way to help you , that you acknowledge their effort .
Speaker 1Of course I mean and there's all those things that just have to do with common courtesy , good manners , that we were raised to have , that we raised our children to have .
Speaker 2But not everybody necessarily has that or feels that way . I'm not saying you have to go overboard to acknowledge or to think , or to things like that .
Speaker 1You really don't .
Speaker 2It's just more of like hey , I appreciate you , thank you for your help , or whatever , and it just goes a long ways . And when I was chatting with my friend this morning and we were talking about this , we were discussing the whole boundaries thing , and boundaries there's some . There's a couple people I can think of in my life over the last , say , 10 years that I noticed a drastic change in how they were starting to approach things , because they had been more in that people-pleasing mode I would say before . But then their boundaries started kind of being put in place . Very not like hey , I'm putting boundaries in place , just FYI . It was more like you started noticing the way they were communicating , like with the group , or this one person in particular was not available for different things and would just be like have a great time , you guys , I'm not available , instead of trying to figure out how she could come up with another date , or whatever .
Speaker 2And so it's little things like that that I kind of noticed . That made it .
Respecting Boundaries and Avoiding Overcommitment
Speaker 2I wouldn't that I was being having a boundary put up with me , because I'm talking about like a group of people , but it made me realize that there was a boundary there that .
Speaker 2I hadn't really noticed before and I have found that I'm getting better at doing that . I'm not still . I'm not still trying to . I try to figure out ways to make things work for people . I don't know if that's people pleasing or not , but it's like I try to make things in my mind things work for people , like they've got a dilemma and so they need your help and so you're trying to figure out what that help can be to get their problem solved . So maybe that is people pleasing . I don't know . But I would run across like this friend I was telling you about , who would just not even offer other options . She'd just be like I'm not available .
Speaker 1Not .
Speaker 2I'm not available today , but I'm available tomorrow . Nothing like that . Her boundaries were like , almost to the point of being happily rude , like the smile fuck you kind of boundary . I don't even know how to describe it , but it was just . It's something I'd really noticed and I feel like has created a separation or distance in some respects . Maybe she needed it . She may have , yeah .
Speaker 1I don't hold it against her .
Speaker 2I don't think it was directed towards me specifically . I just think that she's chosen very consciously to make those decisions , to do things differently , and good for her if it worked out for her to do that , but I find that that's something that is an acquired skill .
Speaker 1Oh , absolutely Well . It's an acquired not necessarily an acquired skill , but a very conscious to your point , a very conscious decision to intentionally make that happen , for whatever the reasons are .
Speaker 2Yeah , intentional , maybe is a good way to put it . But there was , like you said , probably a need , because she was getting inundated with people yeah . Inundated , but it was never a discussion . It was never a discussion that I can recall with anybody , it was just a change in how she communicated .
Speaker 1Maybe even that was just too exhausting of a thought for her .
Speaker 2Could have been . Yeah , it could have very well been .
Speaker 1And I guess , as we talk about that example , it makes me think about the fact that you know people's reasons for whatever they're doing in regard . You know , of course , stuff like this that we're talking about , whatever their reasons are being on the other end of that . It's important that we respect that .
Speaker 2Right , as the person on the flip side or whatever it is . You know , just like , and maybe , and maybe I didn't or maybe we didn't this group of people maybe we didn't or we didn't recognize that there was a boundary , or maybe the boundary wasn't there , but it was more of a gentle pushback . So that's when people aren't direct . Sometimes that's what is happening though it's like .
Speaker 1it's like you got to know your too . No shade on that situation . I'm just thinking you really have to know your people . I have a very good friend in my life who I know that when I call her and she doesn't answer this just recently happened for probably like a week straight , because typically when I call her , she'll call me back or she'll text , right . I've called her multiple times and I finally thought I need to text her .
Speaker 1I can tell when she is silently putting up a boundary and she just needs to be left alone . It's nothing personal . I get it , I know it's happening , and so then I just text her . I'm like , hey girl , sorry for the many phone calls , I just want to make sure you're good . Let me know when you can you know ? Blah , blah , blah .
Speaker 2Don't you think ? Okay , in all fairness though , don't you think that just a quick text back , I've got so much going on .
Speaker 1Honestly , if she didn't have the bandwidth , good for her .
Speaker 2If she doesn't , See , to me it would just be like that's what I'm saying .
Speaker 1It's like you've got to respect . If somebody is going to put up a boundary , you we got to respect it , whatever that is the cool thing is she knows that you're going to be cool with it .
Speaker 1And she does , and we talk about that , and I know that , and that's why , if she and she got a lot going on , and you know , the last thing I want to do is make her feel bad , for not why would I do that ? So if somebody is going to put up a boundary , I think it's important that it has to be reciprocated and respected , because they're doing it for a reason . Respect what it is , step back , let it be and don't make them feel bad . That's what I mean . Otherwise , especially like I say , with your people and in your group of people , you got to know your people and you know . Respect like that , I think , is so important , yeah .
Speaker 2No , I think you're absolutely right when you say it that way , I'm , I'm very like , just call it what it is , just say , but not you're right , Not everybody has the bandwidth to do that , I think , where I my hesitation personally is if I'm not clear on how I communicate things , then I just don't want people to be upset with me or feel like I'm letting them down or feel like I'm mad .
Speaker 2So I have to be very careful about that and people need to be more forgiving because I have a feeling in my life people have not been very forgiving about my you know what I mean , just kind of like . Well , you committed blah blah , blah .
Speaker 1You know it's like Not even commitment stuff too . I just , I know how you are and you're right . Sometimes you just say things how it is and that's just , that's justules . Yeah she just puts it out there Sometimes .
Speaker 2Let me give you an example I can think of when I completely overcommitted and it was right around the same time I was getting divorced . So you can only imagine right getting divorced started a new job left Nordstrom sold my house .
Speaker 1Yeah , let's . The list goes on and on .
Speaker 2All happening at the same time and my daughter was going through stuff too , whatever .
Speaker 2Anyway , I have a really good friend who was in this women's group that does charity work and does really cool stuff in the community and everything , and I had inquired about it and basically they invited me to join and I went to these . I went to like a , an auction , and I went to this dinner thing and I went to this lady's house where and I went to this dinner thing and I went to this lady's house where they were doing all this planning for what they were going to be doing , and I remember thinking I'm sitting at this lady's house they were the nicest people and I'm looking at this list and I'm like , holy shit , what have I done ? What have I done ? There is no way that I can really reasonably do all of these things and do them well and not let these ladies down . And one of the things was working the chair . It was like volunteer thing , where you're working at the door for one of those big bite of Seattle things or whatever this bite of Edmonds or something and I , I canceled , I canceled .
Speaker 2I wasn't able to go , I just was like and I felt horrible because the woman who had brought me into the group is the one that I was disappointing you know , and she never made me feel bad about it . Right , we never really discussed it either .
Speaker 1We weren't that close .
Speaker 2You know where we would have discussed it . But I remember feeling like , oh my God , like this weight had been lifted off my shoulders because I had just uncommitted myself to like two days of work on the weekend at this festival to sit at the door and let people in or whatever they were doing , and I remember feeling so bad , but I was just like you know what , I don't know what the hell I was thinking , Getting myself into this . I just I don't , I can't do it .
Speaker 1I think it's important to note that there's so many things that we do , things that we'll continue to do things that people young parents , young mothers they'll continue to do , and it's important that there are those that have the wherewithal to do a million things and it's important to understand that there are those that don't have the ability to do a million things and I think a major or don't want to .
Speaker 2Well , and I think let's be clear . Well , or don't want to , let's be clear .
Speaker 1Well , if they don't want to , they shouldn't be . They shouldn't be , and I think a really big part of this is knowing that . Well , it's just how we make people feel . It's really how we make people feel in whatever situation that it is . That's a really big part of these types of situations .
Speaker 2And if you have been made to feel badly at some point , then you're more than likely going to try to avoid that , which means that you are going to continue saying yes , and I think the continuing to say yes is what's creating a lot of the maybe animosity between people , or is creating that feeling of resentment that some people might have because they can't say no , Right , you know . So they're over committing and then they're not , like I said before , doing anything really well because they've got their hands in too many things and so I don't know it .
Speaker 2Just it's kind of a downward spiral from there . Yeah , let's talk about some of the things people might struggle with if they are a people pleaser . This will be like a little test to determine if they are or not . So when you're listening to this kind of hear , these little bullet points , and wonder yes or no , if those resonate with you . So we talked about the difficulty
Setting Boundaries for Self-Care
Speaker 2saying no . So personal boundaries , is that something that you and I both feel ?
Speaker 1like we've gotten better at the constant need of approval , that codependency part that we were speaking of , placing yourself worth in an external source .
Speaker 2So basically , you're feeling good about yourself is based on how that person responds to whatever you're doing .
Speaker 1What if they don't respond ?
Speaker 2Right , you know what if they don't even acknowledge it ?
Speaker 1That's why the activities and the things we do and the things we say , we should be doing them and saying them , because we want to do them and we want to say them Right . Not because of the expectation or what we're going to get back from that Well , yeah , you don't do things like this for other people to feel like they owe you by any means Yeahitting , like we talked about , and not setting boundaries .
Speaker 2And then the other one this is a big one too is neglecting your personal needs . Like if you're putting someone else constantly or other people constantly before yourself , then you're not being selfish by putting yourself first . You got to take care of yourself in order to be good for all of those other people , the ones that you love , the people that are in your inner , outer circle .
Speaker 1Just like that whole , that saying you can't fill somebody else's cup when yours is empty . That's correct .
Speaker 2Yeah , that is correct . So what do you think some of the reasons are why people become people pleasers , besides , obviously , the learned behavior .
Speaker 1Yeah , I was going to say it's , there's that , but I think to that fear of rejection .
Speaker 2Yeah , that would be definitely something that would come up , and a lot of that might have to do with someone's self esteem , I would think you know if they have low self esteem . Where did that come from ?
Speaker 1in the first place , it could stem from traumatic experiences that they had .
Speaker 2Oh yeah , and also this one actually I kind of resonate with is the whole kind of fear of being perceived as rude . I'm always worried about manners and you know things like that . So if you feel like putting up that boundary makes someone kind of takes them aback , you know , go where they're saying oh gosh , I wasn't expecting that from her .
Speaker 1You know sort of a thing .
Speaker 2You have to kind of let go of that . I think and how you convey your message is really important .
Speaker 1Yeah , the communication .
Speaker 2Yeah , oh , my gosh . I would love to be a part of that , but unfortunately I have some other commitments , or unfortunately that's not something that I'm able to take care of , or do you don't need to make excuses ?
Speaker 1You don't have to give all the reasons .
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1You just I'm sorry , I can't do that right now .
Speaker 2So that's some of the reasons I would say why .
Speaker 1Sure .
Speaker 2And then I would say , more importantly at this point you know , what can people do to try and improve on this and get better at this in terms of setting up boundaries or overcoming some of those people-pleasing characteristics that they may have embedded in their personality ?
Speaker 1Or do they ?
Speaker 2want to . I mean , they might like being people-pleasers .
Speaker 1You know , I think a lot of times we don't even realize that that's what we're doing because so much of it is learned behavior and it seems natural . It just seems how we do things , how we live our life . But as we get older , having that self-awareness , being able to recognize and , you know , as life goes on , the more we learn . I wish I knew so many of the things I know now . I wish I knew in my 30s and 40s .
Speaker 2Oh my gosh , we would have been so smart .
Speaker 1Yeah , I know , with all that life experience , I know .
Speaker 2I think also , when you're , when you're putting yourself in a position where you're potentially compromising what's important to you or your values , then that is something you need to consider as a red flag for yourself .
Speaker 2That's what I would consider as a red flag , because the red flag on some , on something testing your values or testing that boundary , you know how it makes you feel when those things come up right . You know that you're not feeling good about it , but you're feeling pressure . For example , it's really having the strength to be able to step into that line of fire or that adversity and be able to feel comfortable with whatever your response is . Like you were saying before , I'm not available or I'm not able to do that .
Speaker 1I think , too , there's people who sometimes have this very entitled air about them . I know I'm just thinking of someone that I experienced that with occasionally , this entitlement when it comes to their timeline and what they need and when they need it , and for a lot of times I typically just do whatever is needed because I don't want the outcome of what right . So recently I had the wherewithal and the self-awareness in a situation that this person needed something to be done on their timeline and it was very last minute and I just said unfortunately I'm not going to be able to do that , but I gave a solution . Unfortunately I can't do this . I gave a solution that hopefully would work for them and I left it at that .
Speaker 2And .
Speaker 1I put that ball in their court and they figured it out and were able to do what they needed to do . And they my solution worked . Yeah , I was able to not feel , but I'm telling you , because of the person that I am , for a little bit I was like in my mind trying to figure out how I could make , how I could do this for this person and make it work , and I'm just like I don't have the time right now . I cannot do this .
Speaker 1And I need to feel okay and I was actually quite pleased with myself for setting the boundary and giving a solution and calling it good .
Speaker 2I think giving the solution is one way to be able to combat that feeling of like you're letting someone down , Right ? Because if you say I'm not available or I'm not , I can't do that that day . But you know , here's someone who might be able to help you .
Speaker 1Or here's a resource that I've run across .
Speaker 2Let me give you a link , or can you ? You know , whatever the case may be , so you're giving them another alternative . Now , I'm not saying that you want to enable people and do whatever it is for them , right , whatever it is for them .
Speaker 1But I'm all about kind of solutions , coming up with solutions instead of saying , you know , sorry , can't help you Figure it out Well , and I think part of being able to do that as set that boundary , give a solution , walk away from it has to .
Speaker 1Then that goes into the category of self-care , because I'm telling you what the stress I was feeling prior about how can I make this work . And then I was just like I can't do this . I did that , the things , this , all the solution stuff . I walked away from it and I felt so much better .
Speaker 2And you know honestly , this person probably felt pretty good about the fact that they solved the problem .
Speaker 1It was fine . Yeah , you know , but you have this moment of panic like got it ? This is a little laugh , and so yeah .
Speaker 2I think , so your assertiveness is actually probably something that is what made you feel better , because you were a little bit , not assertive meaning you're snappy , but just assertive meaning you've when I say sort of , I mean kind of boundary .
Speaker 1Yeah , it's just like I can't yeah .
Speaker 2And I think that does impact people's self-esteem and their self-worth in a really positive way . Yeah .
Speaker 1When they're able to kind of not stick up for themselves but they're able to stipulate what works for them .
Speaker 2On the flip side of that , I have had experiences where people have boundaries to the point of it being encroaching on yours , you know where , like . Let me give you an example . There was a situation where some people were going to travel and they wanted to take another individual with them and I wasn't able to go because of the timeframe . I was already committed to doing something else . So my question was well , is it possible to switch the date ? Nope , this is when I can go . Okay , well , it looks like I'm not going then . Yeah , I mean , it wasn't even like it was an option , an option to switch the date because that was when that person was available . I'm not going to be able to go . I'm not going to feel bad about it . You know , I tried to come up with another solution and it didn't work .
Speaker 2Yeah , but that situation has happened many times where you know it's like whatever someone else's calendar is is what works for them , and if it doesn't work for me , too bad , so sad you know Right , and I I don't know .
Speaker 2I really try to be very accommodating , almost to the point of it being too accommodating sometimes and I catch myself where you know , like with my work I'm setting up appointments for people and I'm setting up times to discuss things . Like I was talking to some people tonight over the phone and I remember today I was setting it up going I started saying what time works for you and then I went back and went I'm available between five and six . Now , if that didn't work for them I would have accommodated it , but I didn't want someone else setting my schedule for me because we had our stuff going on tonight .
Speaker 2And I didn't want that to get interrupted . Yeah it felt good to kind of set the boundary and we had a great conversation . It was all . Everything flowed . It worked well , but if I had done it differently , yeah , then I may have messed you up , yeah , or I may have messed up some other things that we were doing this evening , and that wouldn't have been cool to do , right . So so , ways to overcome this .
Speaker 2we've talked about a lot of stuff today , we I think , overall , it's about putting yourself and what your needs are first you know , and the awareness of what that is exactly , and feeling okay about setting the boundaries that you need to set , especially with people who are pushing your boundaries all the time , and that can be family members , yeah , it can be friends , it can be people at work , it can be a lot of different things , and you may feel comfortable putting those boundaries up in certain circumstances and maybe not in others , and those are things you need to work on so you can get better at it . Yeah , Anyway .
Speaker 1Well , the only boundary I would like to set right now is the fact that people need to download these episodes .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's definitely a parameter , because it's going to affect Michelle's self-esteem and she doesn't want to be rejected .
Speaker 1Yeah , I don't . I don't want to feel rejection , so download the episode . Go , check us out on our socials . Give us a like , give us a follow , you know , do all the things .
Speaker 2We'd appreciate it , yeah we want to grow our audience organically which is what we are doing and have been doing over the last year and a half , which ? Has been cool because we've got a lot of really awesome listeners . That share their input and feedback and everything with us , but we definitely want to grow that .
Speaker 1Yeah .
Speaker 2So thank you for listening . Yeah , we appreciate you all , we appreciate all y'all , all y'all . You can tell I've got some uh , texas blood coming in all , y'all here we go .
Speaker 1I won't wear pink cowboy boots don't worry into teddy swims and saying all y'all , all y'all . Anyway , until next week , peace out everyone , peace out .
Speaker 2Everyone have a good week , bye , bye .