Ep 69: Libido, Desire, and more with Eleanor Hadley

What does it truly mean to differentiate arousal from desire?

In this episode, we welcome returning guest, Eleanor Hadley, as she discusses the intricacies of desire, arousal, and the misconceptions surrounding sexual response.

Join Meg and Eleanor dive into insights and personal reflections, providing actionable advice on how individuals can more accurately interpret their body's signals and communicate their needs and desires more effectively.

They also riff off on:

 • The difference between desire and arousal, and how they are separate but related concepts
• The idea of responsive desire versus spontaneous desire, and how most women experience responsive desire 
• The brakes and accelerators analogy for understanding how our sexual inhibition and excitation systems work
• Taking sex "off the table" to help women feel more comfortable being intimate without pressure or expectation of sex
• The importance of understanding our own personal brakes (turn offs) and accelerators (turn ons)
• How sensitive our brakes and accelerators are impacts our experience of sexuality
• Mapping our bodies through self-pleasure to better understand and communicate our own pleasure zones

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⚡️Let’s Stay Connected: 

IG: @the.meg.o @thejacoboneill @sexloveeverythinginbetween

⚡ Connect with Eleanor Hadley:
IG: www.instagram.com/eleanorhadley
Website: www.eleanorhadley.com/
Enroll in Tongue Tactics: www.eleanorhadley.com/tonguetactics

⚡ Want more? Here are some of the offerings & courses you can join us in…

The Desire Date: A sexy date night experience for couples ready to re-ignite passion & deepen intimacy. ---> https://bit.ly/49r28Zt

Ignite Your Intimacy: A 4 week course for couples ready for a sexier, wilder, more ALIVE relationship… NOW! ---> https://bit.ly/3R0ihxU

Jacob & Meg also coach individuals & couples. Reach out to them via Instagram for more information. 

#libido #desire #relationshipadvice 

Transcript

0:00

On thirst or hunger, like our body is like, oh, I need that. But it's often I need that to live, right? We're not going to die from a lack of sex and might feel like it. But we're not going to like the population eventually will, but it's fine. But the body is not going to be like, Oh my god, I simply cannot function anymore. Whereas arousal is the physical manifestation of desire in the body. So it's this more like psychological thing of like, Oh, I feel a desire for sex, I want to move towards sex and that physical sensation, and because I am desiring it, now, my body is responding in the ways of arousal. And so arousal could look like flushed cheeks, it could look like a foster heart rate, it could look like an erection, it could look like a wetter policy. It could look like your rectum nipples, things like this. These are the physical manifestation of desire. And what often happens is that we conflate the two and we go, okay, well, if I'm not dripping wet, I mustn't desire sex. Or if I don't desire sex, but I am drifting when maybe I do, and we kind of we mix up the signals between our brain and our body. Yeah. And so to begin with, I think it's important to recognize that they are separate things. And we have this concept called arousal non concordance, which is where our body might be physically aroused, while mentally we are not. Or vice versa. We might be mentally aroused, but physically, not we might be mentally having that desire for sex, but our body isn't necessarily responding in that way. Yeah, and not getting hard or not getting as wet. And that's why it's really important to have this connection with your body. So that you and your mind, and so you can check in and go Am I really desiring sex right now? Is this something that I want to be doing? And is it my mind or my body that's getting in the way? Or is it actually a full body? Yes, like, I want to do this. Yo, yo, yo lovers, welcome. Welcome. Welcome to sex, love and everything in between where the O'Neill's you're here with Meg and Jacob. And this is the place we have really uncensored conversations about sex, intimacy and relationships. We're super excited. You're here. Enjoy this episode. How are Eleanor Hadley? Hi, welcome back. I'm so happy to be back. You are officially our most frequented get mess. I was gonna say most guested guest I don't think that makes sense. Yes. Guest his guest we've had Thank you. Welcome back. Such a pleasure to be here. I'm so excited to chat today. You're officially here because it's episode 69. And Jacob and I were contemplating what we wanted to do for that. And Jacob said, you should get Eleanor you and her should collaborate on episode to be me. And I really appreciate that. I love that I was top of mind when it comes. I just feel like that's like when the branding is strong. Oh my gosh, I feel like I see 69 everywhere several times a day up to like, at least 12 times a day. I see your angel number 16. Everyone else is out there seeing 1111 You're just like 1616 everywhere. Yeah, I love it. Okay, epic. For those of you that haven't heard Elena on the podcast before, you're gonna want to head back. And I don't know the exact numbers, but we'll put them in the show notes. Eleanor joined us to really bring her gifts around how to become a pussy Pro. How to like pussy really well. And then how to become a BJ queen. Those episodes went off. They were so much fun as well. They were fun I've had on a podcast interview. Yay. It was so fun. And that was the start of our friendship. That was it started off right. And we literally looked at each other after that. He said that exactly. I love it. If you have potentially listened to that episode, that episode is now available to watch on YouTube, which I highly recommend because you had all of the tools and we will lick and lollipops and we were we really the visuals necessary. So go and watch others on YouTube. We'll link them below. But today we want to have a conversation around libido and sex drive. Yeah, specifically specifically for women but I'm sure we're going to extend it out as well. For me, and I'd love to hear what this looks like for you in your work. But this is one of the things that so many women come to me experiencing challenges with and really feeling broken. Yeah, like really feeling the sense of my libido isn't there and not feeling like I have a sex drive. Like there's really this texture of like brokenness. Yeah, then. Yeah, it has a woman experiencing brokenness because of how she's viewing or experiencing her sex drive. So I'd love to hear what that looks like in your work. And yeah, the work you do in the world. I feel like this is the most common topic that people come to us with. I've spoken to lots of other sex educators and coaches about this. And it's, it's number one, everybody has this experience of people in their DMS or clients saying, I feel broken. I don't desire sex as much as my partner or I desire sex more than my partner, or there's just this mismatch and it just doesn't feel quite, quite right as though we should be horny 24/7. And if when not, or if our partner or we desire sex more than the other than there must be something wrong. And it's just the fact that we haven't been educated properly around how desire works, how libido is kind of created. And it's just it's, it's a conversation that needs to be had, because we don't understand it about ourselves. Yes, I also think and I see this so so often in women, the same with arousal, like feeling like, Oh, I'm not if they're in a heterosexual partnership or lover ship, or like, I'm not ready for sex as soon as he's ready for sex and submit something must be wrong with me, like I'm broken and that there is such an I think we as women are really taught to view ourselves and our bodies and our experience of our bodies through that lens of brokenness, like that's how we're really conditioned that this can be Yeah, really, it can create such painful women when I love that you said that I think we've libido desire arousal, it is really like a lack of education. It's so often not your broken, it's, you just haven't yet learnt the instrument of your body you haven't learned learn the truth behind what it takes for your sex drive to come alive. Absolutely. Because it's like you're not broken, the education system is broken. We haven't learned exactly what it is that we need, and how our body should respond. We just sort of take on all of these messages from society or from TV shows that like that's the typical script, okay, you're making out it's like all hot and heavy and then clothes come off and then boom inside and they come within like a minute. Does that like that makes me angry when I see that now so deeply angry. I get so angry. Even one of the shows that I love is Outlander. Okay, washed Outlander. I have not okay. It's really sexy. It's like a great show. But still, the sex scenes in Atlanta drive me crazy because they're fucking within five seconds. And I'm like, I just really think that and sometimes that can be the truth but so often for a woman that is that is not how that is not how her body works. That's not how our arousal works that often we need a lot more time and I get in TV shows and movies show and our dolphin foreplay. But yeah, it does it It anchors and drives home this story that that's what sex should look like. Yeah, if you are yet you should be hunting, you should be ready to be penetrated within 30 seconds and you'll come within Yeah, a few minutes as well. At the same time, I'll totally always like it. When things like this, you know, I understand. Yeah, sure. You're creating a for TV. And it's not like you can have like a 45 minute scene. Yeah. But also, editing exists, like this is always a choice. Yeah, it's always a choice by whoever's writing it that we're going to just suddenly lead up to it and it'll be quite quick like you're writing that you're the one who's decided that that's how the scene is going to play out. And it's very simple for you to just fucking write it differently and edit it in a way where it's like oh, we can tell time has passed and he's still there in or out 45 minutes later we can see the signs we could have that depiction of it. And and there's like longer sense of buildup. But because we don't get that shown to us like Where else are we going to see it? And it's no wonder that if people out there like oh, well I feel like I'm broken. I feel like I should be awake wet and dripping immediately. Or I feel like I should be able to jump on my partner as soon as they get home because of their money. Um, but I'm not. I think that, you know, if we're not seeing any depictions of what it really looks like for a lot of people to experience desire and arousal, which are two different things, it makes sense that you might think that you're broken, because you haven't seen that representation. And that's why these conversations are important. So you can actually learn, oh, no, I'm not broken. This is actually incredibly common. And we just need to create a vocabulary between me and my partner, so that we understand the ways in which we need to be initiated into sex, the ways in which we desire sex, and that it's not necessarily that if I don't feel desire at the same time in the same way as you, that's not indicative of I don't find you sexy. Yeah, that's where a lot of people go. They're like, Oh, well, if you don't want sex right now, like I do. I'm craving you. You mustn't be craving me. Oh, my God, you hate me. Totally. You no longer attracted to me. Something's up here. Yeah, yeah. Okay, let's I love that you said desire. And arousal are two different things. Because I'd love to deepen into that. So let's, let's speak into desire and, you know, sex drive and libido. Yeah. Yeah, what do you see, and I know, this is such a nuanced, we've spoken about this off, you know, off screen that this is such a nuanced topic, because even things like hormones and health can, you know, play into this, but I'd love to hear what you really see as some of the bigger factors that are, you know, maybe especially for women are, you know, creating or influencing their sex drive and desire. So first things first is I'd like to sort of just clarify the distinction between desire and arousal, because often these terms get used entertainment interchangeably, libido, and sex drive as well, again, it used interchangeably. But when it comes to desire and arousal, these are two separate things. So desire is akin to hunger or thirst is a drive for sex. Well, technically, sex isn't like a drive, because it's not something that we're going to die without thirst or hunger, like, our body is like, oh, I need that. But it's often I need that to live, right? We're not going to die from a lack of sex. And I feel like, we're not going to like the population eventually will, but it's fine. But the body is not going to be like, Oh, my God, I simply cannot function anymore. Whereas a arousal is the physical manifestation of desire in the body. So it's this more like psychological thing of like, Oh, I feel a desire for sex, I want to move towards sex and that physical sensation, and because I am desiring it, now, my body is responding in the ways of arousal. And so arousal could look like flushed cheeks, it could look like a faster heart rate. It could look like an erection, it could look like a wetter policy. It could look like election nibbles, things like this. These are the physical manifestations of desire. And what often happens is that we conflate the two and we go, okay, well, if I'm not dripping wet, I mustn't desire sex. Or if I don't desire sex, but I am dripping wet, maybe I do. And we kind of we mix up the signals between our brain and our body. Yeah. And so to begin with, I think it's important to recognize that they are separate things. And we have this concept called arousal non concordance, which is where our body might be physically aroused, while mentally we are not. Or vice versa. We might be mentally aroused. But physically, not might be mentally having that desire for sex. But our body isn't necessarily responding in that way. Yeah, and not getting hard or not getting as wet. And that's why it's really important to have this connection with your body. So that you and your mind, and so you can check in and go, am I really desiring sex right now? Is this something that I want to be doing? And is it my mind? Or my body that's getting in the way? Or is it actually a full body? Yes, like, I want to do this. And, and also, that kind of leads on to the importance of loop, which I'm a huge fan of, like, use lube, even if you're super dripping wet, it's gonna just make things better, more, better. But if you have that experience of not being necessarily wet, then some people and I literally had a client last week come to me and she's like, I just need to be more wet. Like, I can't get wet with my current partner. I feel like I used to be able to, and it's like, okay, well, we can we can talk about different factors. Like are you actually feeling desire? Or is it maybe just like you had a shift in your hormones and you're not as well as you used to be and that's fine. Get some lube, it's gonna be a good time. You know? So that's a roundabout way of like, discussing the difference between desire and arousal. And then back to your question of the different sort of factors that impact desire. They are so multifaceted. So sex illogically, all sorts of look through a few concepts that I think is going to be really helpful. Yeah, but you've got so many layered things that can impact your desire to actually be intimate with either yourself or with a partner too. And so you've got just regular stress levels, you've got your sleep levels, you've got hormones, shifts in hormones through through your menstrual cycle, through menopause, perimenopause that can also shift things a lot. You've got you know, work life sort of balance staffs stress from work, you got parenting children. You also got like pregnancy probably shifts things. Oh my gosh, first trimester. I was like, I do not want to have any sex at all. second trimester, I am just on it. Oh, my God, my libido is like through the roof. Amazing. So like, things are so seasonal, right? Like, totally these shifts. And if you are in the first trimester, and suddenly had this, like, oh my god, where's my libido gone. all doom and gloom, I'm never gonna get it back. You know, that can be really scary. But it's trust that all things will shift. And maybe it's just a season of like sexual winter, right where you're like this is, and I think this is so important as someone in like, long term partnership as well, this is so important to honor within our own bodies, like our own individual sex drive, and like to notice that and to honor the seasons in that, and then like our partnership, like the sexual season, our partnership is it and because I even noticed, Jacob does not do this at all, but like, say that we're going through, you know, more of a wintry season in our like, in our partnership, in our in our sex, I'll make that mean, something. He doesn't, but I'll be like, Oh, my gosh, is everything okay? And then it's like, oh, to come back and be like, Hey, this is, yeah, if we're always having this expectation that our sex life has to look like this. And it's just like, you know, X amount of times a week we're having sex, and it has to look exactly the same. That's so much pressure, so much, like so much pressure. And I think that's such a beautiful question. Anytime, because often all the question of like, what am I making this mean? That so often we make it mean, I'm broken? There's something wrong? Nozomi? Totally, yeah. Which can then obviously, ripple out into the relationship into our life into so many other areas. So I just think that's such a beautiful question. Yeah. And I love that we circled, like, go just circling back to what we said before, like, it's not necessarily it could just want to, like the meaning could be I'm just in a winter season, or I'm just, it's time to get some more education around how my body works and what my desire feels like. And, yeah, totally. I really love that question like, What am I making this mean? I often use the terminology of like, what story? Am I telling myself, or if I'm sharing with a partner, I'll say, This is the story that I'm telling myself about this. Love that. And then it's like, okay, let's kind of go from there. And so when it comes to desire, like, what story? Are you telling yourself, about your desire and what it means about you, or your partnership, or both? And then in terms of other like the multifaceted sort of layers that affect your sex drive, you've also got the actual relationship itself. How are you feeling in your relationship? Do you feel safe? Do you feel trust? Do you have this like festering resentment that's been going on for years, because like, they've just consistently not shown up for you, or there's something frustrating there that you can't, like, let go. And, or maybe even, you know, gosh, I've had clients that have told me things that their partner has said, like, years ago, like a comment that they made about their policy, or a comment that they made about how long they're taking to come or something like that, that has just gotten in there, and it hasn't been able to get out. Yeah, so every time they're intimate with their partner, that's just like playing on a loop in their head. And it's so tough, but you need to, like clear that. Gotta clear that because otherwise, you're just sort of sitting in it. And they might have no idea that they said something that really hurt you. And it's literally like closing your pussy off to pleasure. And so that conversation has to be had. I'm such a believer in that often, I say, and I know it's a much more nuanced conversation than this. But in long term partnership, it's like if you don't want to fuck like, what are you not saying? Like, what do you not bringing to the table? And yes, there can be so many other aspects, but I think it is the reality is and I think, you know, I work a lot with women and we are very emotionally sensitive, and our heart must arrive in A space, a heart has a lot to do with our desire and our ability to become aroused. And often when trying to bypass the heart or like, oh, I can just whatever, I'll just like, you know, yeah, trying to get our body to the place when there is something emotional that needs to be brought forth, or there needs to be a conversation or there needs to be some level of vulnerability that, you know, allows our heart to arrive, and then, you know, our arousal can can come online, even more. Definitely. And so I think that's like such a big factor. When it comes to libido. People are like, oh, you know, I want to, like, I want to try toys, or I want to try BDSM or all these things. And I see that as, like, icing on the top. Oh, 1000 million percent. Yeah. When it comes to like, the way that you feel about your sex life. Do you mind if I indulge you in analogy? please indulge me indulge us all. So all my analogies are food related? For some reason. I love that. Taurus. Can you tell? Leisure and food? That's my motto. Which one first? You want to be fed? No. Yeah, like I need to like Yeah. So like ring nourish me. Totally. Yeah. Delicious. Anyway, so. Okay, so I created this analogy. Recently. Well, I've been teaching it for years, and I created a real honor recently. This is the cake one the cake. Loved the cake cola. Yep. So okay. So I want you to imagine that, like your sex life is kind of like a cake. And so you get into the kitchen, and you're like, I'm gonna make a cake. Firstly, I have no fucking idea how to make a cake. I haven't been given a recipe. And also, this kitchen has been stocked with ingredients by other people. And so I'm just gonna wing it, and I'm gonna do the best that I can with what I've been given. But you know, maybe all the ingredients have been like, mislabeled. And so maybe you have some sugar, it's labeled sugar, but it's actually salt. But you have no idea because someone else's, slap that label on it. And these labels could represent like sexual shame. Or, you know, the Madonna whore dichotomy, or slut shaming, or you shouldn't dress like that, or whatever. And so all these beliefs, and so you start to make your cake. And unfortunately, you put a fat on have salt in it instead of sugar, and you're mixing it around, and then someone comes into the kitchen. And they're like, Oh, I'm just gonna throw these beliefs on these ingredients in it. And then the real, it's pickles. And then like, all just sprinkle those in. And you're like, oh, gosh, where did they come from? And so, you know, maybe that's some depiction of like, really fast sex in media on a TV show, and you're like, oh, okay, well, I don't, I don't know where that came from. And I don't think that's a belief that I want in there, or an ingredient that I wanted my cake, but I guess it's a man now. And so you're like, okay, cool, we can just mix this up. And then you go to pour it into the pan, take it over to the oven. And the oven in this analogy represents your body. And you don't really know exactly what temperature it should be, you don't know how long to preheat this oven for, you don't know where the sweet spot is in the oven. If it's like the top layer, the middle layer at the bottom, like where does like work best. You don't know how long the cake needs to be in there. And so you just again, do your best, you just pop it in wherever and you put it on some random temperature. And then you kind of pull this cake out and it's maybe like, not fully cooked. It's all salt. It's not pickles. And you're like, Okay, I guess I'm just gonna, like have this cake now. And you try a little bit of me like, oh, it's salty pickle cake. And, you know, maybe you're like, oh, like it's it's food, right? It's edible. Maybe it's fine. And you're like, Oh, my guess is this one everyone else's cake tastes like all right. I mean, I did what I could with what I was given, you know, my recipe was maybe missing a few pages. Or it was like stuck together like that episode of Friends. Or, you know, it was just random ingredients that were put in there by other people. And so you go okay, well, this is my experience of cake of six. What I'll do is now I'm going to try and make it better. And I will just slap on a bunch of icing. And I was covered in sprinkles. And in this analogy, that's the icing the sprinkles, the edible glitter, all of these decorations. Basically that represents you know, sex toys, it represents, you know, the taboo and you know BDSM or whips and chains and all of these things. Yeah, which are amazing and super fun. And I am a huge like advocate for We're exploring with all these fun tools as well. And sometimes people need to incorporate the sort of BDSM side of the kingside into their original cake. Right? That's a huge part of their, their cake itself. Yeah. But what we tend to do is we approach our sexuality as though Okay, well, there's, it's not super satisfying right now, I think it could be better. I'll add more on top layer layer layer on top, and then we go, okay, well, I'm still gonna, I'm gonna have a slice of this cake. And it's marginally better, because it's like, you know, the icing is yummy. I put sprinkles on it, that's their tasty, but there's still a fucking pickle in my cake. So what we need to do is we need to go back into the kitchen and start fresh and go, You know what, that that like container of salt has their own label on it, I'm going to take that off, and I'm going to actually replace it with sugar. And I'm going to say, this doesn't serve me this belief that came from somewhere else. And it's not mine. And I don't want it here. And I'm going to find some other ingredients and more beliefs and six positive, you know, influences to follow some pleasure education that is like pleasure centered and non fear centered. It's going to be pleasure centered sex instead of goal oriented sex. And I'm going to replace all these ingredients with ones that are delicious. And that serve me and that feel nourishing to me, I'm going to remove the ones that don't, I'm going to get the pickles the fuck out of it. Because they don't help make my take my cake tastes delicious. sex life be really, really nourishing and tasty. And then once you've got this nice, fresh, beautiful cake that you've worked on, and you've like reconditioned yourself and done that deep work of self inquiry to decide which ingredients stay and go, you've learned to your body, the oven, which temperature how long it takes to preheat your oven, what you need, then you can go alright, what toppings do I want to put on this? Do I want it just simple today? Do I need a little bit of powdered sugar? Or do I want like the the like bells and whistles? Do I want to get the edible glitter out and like fondant and shit. Like that's up to you. But we want to start with like a cake that really really serves us. Yes. I love that analogy so much. And for someone who feels like there's currently a lot of pickles and salt in their cake. Where do they begin? Like if they're like, I want to start again? What is what does that look like? And again, I know that's a big topic. And there's many, many different areas for for someone to begin there. But what would you say? What would you suggest? The way that I work is always from the inside out. And so it's starting with your own conditioning. I always say question your conditioning? Yes. And take some time for self inquiry and really think about what messages have I received about sex? And which ones are blocking me and this is going to be a process? It's not just one journaling session, you sit down and you're like, ah, gone. Yeah, it's in the moment when you're when you're about to self pleasure. Is there a voice in your head? That's saying you're dirty? Okay, where did that come from? Whose voice is that? Is that something that I want to stay? How do I want to reprogram that belief? What would I choose to believe? instead? In the moment, if you're having sex with a partner, and you want to moan and let go? But you're like, No, I shouldn't because you know, I should be I should be seen as like, quiet or it's slutty Timon or whatever. Okay, where did that belief come from? All right, I'm gonna have to think about that later. Maybe I need to chat to my partner. And maybe I need to say, Hey, I think that I have some block to moaning and making noise. Could you like encourage me next time, like it would be really, really nice and helpful for me, if you encouraged that, so that I felt safe to do it. What I witnessed again, in the women I work with is that sounding is one of the biggest edges and it makes so much fucking sense because we as women have been, you know, taught for 1000s of years that it's not okay to use our voice and we've been persecuted for our voice. And, you know, the bedroom or a sexual experience is one of the most vulnerable places to be. And so I and I found this in my own journey of coming into my sexual expression like I used to, even not even sounding but advocating for myself and yeah, and there would be and I remember with previous partners like they would, I would have a desire come alive. So it might be just like, I want him to slow down or I want him to just like, move a little to the left or like Yes, and I would let her We feel like that desire just got stuck in my throat like I literally could not bring that into into the moment and speak that into the moment. And I know, so many of the women I work with, feel that way. And so many of the stories around not only their sexuality and sexual expression, but their expression in general, is around not being able to use their voice. And one of the things I always say is how we fuck is how we do life. So I really believe that it's actually in the bedroom, whether this is solo, or with a partner, we actually get the opportunity to deeply affect the way we're showing up in life. And if we're able to, you know, move through those blocks, or lean into those blocks of bringing our voice and, or low or moaning, or like making a sound that doesn't sound like it's off porn, but something that's like, deeply alive and true for our body in the moment like that, that is literally a portal to becoming a fully expressed human in life, like the ripples of, you know, showing up in a moment in the bedroom with a partner. And leaning into an edge like, that doesn't stay there, that ripples out so deeply into how you express in the world. It really, really does. And, you know, this idea of separation that, like, sex is just something that you do in the bedroom, and it stays there. And, like, it's so, so bizarre to me, because it really does impact so much your life impacts your psyche, this actually impacts your life, and how you're showing up. And so it's like this invitation of, if you're not speaking up and speaking into your desires, in the bedroom, with your partner with this person who you should feel incredibly safe with, if you're allowing them inside your body. Like, you should probably feel quite safe with this person quite trusting. But if you're still holding back and you think, Oh, I don't want to hurt their feelings, yeah, that's a big one. Like, I don't want to say this, because you know, then maybe they'll get upset. It's like your, your body, your pleasure, like advocate for it, it's going to be like speaking to something else that you're not, not doing not showing up in your own life. Completely powerful. And I love that you said the work like for you the work starts first within Yes. And I love this idea that like our first or a primary sexual relationship is, you know, the relationship we have with ourselves and our own body. And I think that is necessary in order to advocate for yourself in the bedroom. Like so often. Again, I work with so many women that, you know, want to be having, and I love that you said nourishing sex before. Because they like right that that's like so like sex that feeds us sex that literally like nourishes our cells. Like that's, that's so? Yeah, that's, that's, that's, that's it? Yes, yes. So do you see, right, yeah, it's not just our bodies rubbing up against each other, it's like a soul, our energy is deeply being nourished by that experience. And I know so many women that want that, and yet, are expecting their partner to be able to give that to them, almost like outsourcing. I see this a lot. And I used to do this, and maybe we bring this back into the conversation around desire to Jacob would come to me and this is in the early stages of our relationship, and you know, want to have sex and you know, bring his desire. And I wouldn't be connected to my desire in that moment. But I would be like to him, Well, if you want to, like, basically work, right? If you want it, it's your job to turn me on if you want it, like it's your job. And I was totally disconnected to the idea that I actually had the power to turn myself on and to connect to the desire that lived in my body. And actually, it was an important part of the journey for me, yes, he could do things and you know, turn me on in different ways, but it was actually my devotion to connecting to that part of me and bringing that part of me online. That was so fucking important. Yeah. And we used to have conversations after that when I really started to you know, look at that primary relationship, primary sexual relationship with myself, which completely shifted our sex life. And he used to share with me then that like, yeah, it felt like a lot of pressure to be like, total okay, like, yes, have sex with me, but you got to do all that. You gotta turn me on. You've got to know exactly what I need right now. Tell me a story or press the right button or do the right thing. Like, and I think a lot of women do believe that it's like, okay, I want that. But I don't want to inquire within myself. I don't want to start a self pleasure practice. I don't want to do all the work that then has just been me on actually like actually our sexual expression our desire is our responsibility. Like it truly is. Definitely i i love that you said that because it is such a key piece for me, I always say, don't outsource your pleasure, stop outsourcing your pleasure, like your pleasure is yours. And it's for you to cultivate. And if you are expecting someone else to just turn you on that it's you're doing such a disservice to yourself. Yeah, like it is your responsibility. And yes, of course, like, you know, you want to prioritize your partner's pleasure, and you want them to prioritize yours too. But there is that, like, sense of responsibility and ownership, like, take responsibility for your pleasure, understand your own body, advocate for your pleasure. Don't just outsource it and lay there and go, Oh, and like, you know, complain to me afterwards and say, Oh, well, you know, he, he didn't know what to do didn't press the right button. He didn't make me come. Okay, do you know how to make yourself come? Like, don't put it all on this other person, they are meant to bring me pleasure. Just like you don't want to be used just to bring them pleasure. Yes, like work together, understand your own body, and work to explore what it is that you desire for yourself, and then share it. I love I have this bit of an analogy of like, and this was definitely how it worked. For me. When I began self pleasuring. It was almost like an exploring my pussy, and like pussy gazing, and just just like really meeting my body in a way that I hadn't met her before. It was almost like I was creating this map, or like, like, literally mapping out this mapping out my body and mapping out my pleasure zones. And then I could go to Jacob, my partner, hey, here's the map, right? Like, I'm bringing him amazing information in order in order to pleasure me, and in order to, you know, have incredible sexual experiences. But so often, many women haven't mapped their own pleasure and don't know what they want. So they're just showing up being like, with no information to them, even download a Google Map. And no matter who you're with, or how great a lover they are, like, every human's body is unique. Yeah. And so yes, you can have an incredible lover that's attuned to you and can can bring certain things alive in you. But that's never going to trump your relationship with your body and your relationship with your turn on and sexual expression. Definitely, I love the map analogy, because it really is this idea of Okay, first I'm going to actually bring a map into the future. And then I'm going to start to chart a course and go, Oh, okay, I like this. I like this. And like, I've visited these places. And then I think to even extend this analogy is like, I've got my map, you've got yours. And I'm going to show you mine and you show me your Yeah. And then we can compare them. And then we can say, oh, have you tried exploring over here. I haven't gotten that you want to gather together. Then you like holding entity often a little? Like Dora the Explorer, a little backpack. Isn't and I think this extends Jacob and I always talk about this in partnership. And this is relevant in the bedroom, but outside of it. Like if we are not bringing our partner information and just expecting them to read our mind that that's actually doing them and ourselves such a disservice. Because we're just expecting you should know how to love me, you should know how to fuck me, you should know how to pleasure me, you should know how to treat me well. Right? And yes, we want a partner that's attuned and like bringing their gifts to us. But also like, the way partnership and also lover shit works is that we, we inform our partner we use our voice we speak, you know, our desires into the space. And that's what actually is supports our lover or partner to, you know, pleasure us even more deeply or love us even better. Definitely. And I think that, you know, when you speak on this idea of, oh, I'm expecting my partner to just know and blah, blah, blah. And I just want them to know how to pleasure me know this without me having to tell them. I always invite people to flip that and say, Well, are you expected as well? Isn't that a lot of pressure on you if your partner is expecting that you know exactly what to do and how to show up and exactly how they need to be loved. Doesn't that feel suddenly like this big weight of like, oh my god, like I don't? I don't? I don't know. I can try my best. I'll do my darndest and I will get a little pat on the head later. But what if I actually asked them and then it's going to be more pleasurable, you're going to feel like you've done it. You know, you deserve a gold star instead of just a pat on the head. I feel like I've actually done this. And I've actually taken the time to care and show how much I care about my partner by asking and wanting to be curious about their pleasure. And so like, let's like flip it as well, because I think so often, we can just get like, a bit, a bit self centered in this process of like, oh, well, they don't know what they're doing. And they're not pleasuring me, and they didn't make me come. Okay. How about you? It's like a level of entitlements on time. You should know how to make me calm. You should. Yeah. And you know what I've even I've caught myself in this. I've had experiences where I've, like been laying back and they've been eating me out. And I'm like, This doesn't feel good. Like, I'm bored. And I'm just looking around the room. I'm like, so boring, then I'm like Elena with a fog, tell them what to do. Like, you know, move a little bit or say, say something, don't just lay there. Because they're actively they're like, looking, trying doing what they can. And how rude for you to be laying there judging and going, Oh, well, they don't know what they're doing. Because that probably worked for someone else in the past. Yeah. And you know, I've especially like, as a bisexual woman having experiences with women. And I think you can have this experience of being with with heterosexual men too. But it's opened my eyes a lot, because I've been with women where they've told me Oh, I like it really, really light or like, really, really soft. And I'm the opposite. I'm like, I need you like, right there, like all up in it. And for me, I would assume I just go in the way that I like, right? But of course, not everyone has the same experience. And so it really opened my eyes like, oh, yeah, it gave me some empathy. Because I was like, well, if a man is going down on me, and I'm not really loving it rather than me, assuming they don't know what they're doing. Maybe they have just been with people who like it like that. Yeah. And I just happened to have a different policy. That doesn't work it Yeah. So like, the only thing that's going to make it better is if I speak up. Yes, yes, I'm just intuited. I love that. And I think, you know, even bringing the conversation back to desire, I'm assuming, and I'm even remembering when, you know, I wasn't speaking up for myself. Yeah. Or speaking, advocating for myself. That obviously is going to, you know, circle back into our our ability to connect with our turn on and and desire. Yeah, if were not feeling nourished, and were, like, just having to, like, sit there bored, or sit there and be like, When will this be over? Because we're not able to bring our voice. It's probably gonna have us disconnected. From our turn on our desire. Yeah. And we'll feel like in those situations, it would be very easy for me to create a story and say, I guess I just don't come from my head. Yes. Maybe just not the right type of hit. Maybe. Sasha, maybe you need them to suck instead of flick. Uh huh. Explore get that map out, baby. Can I share with you another analogy? Uh, yes. Yes. This is a breakfast related analogy. I love it. So there's some psychological concepts when it comes to desire that I think absolute game changes and can really, really help us to reframe the way that we see our turn on. Yes. So I want you to imagine that you've just woken up and you're getting out of bed. And you know, that the first thing you probably should do is eat, right? Especially if you're a woman you want to eat quickly, you know, not do that intermittent fasting thing anyway, fast. Like, I know, I should have a nourishing breakfast, right, like, first meal of the day. Let's break that bust. But you're like, I'm just not hungry. I just don't have a desire for food right now. Not feeling it. And so we're like, Okay, I'm not gonna have breakfast, you walk downstairs into the kitchen, and you see your partner in the kitchen, making this big breakfast like a whole face. You know, they've got like, the bacon and the eggs and the toasts and they just, you know, doing a little dance cook in and it's a good time. They are really, really excited for their food. And you start to smell it and be like, Oh, it smells kind of nice. Still not hungry, though. But smell smells nice. And then your partner plates it up. It looks really beautiful. Like it looks like something that would be in a restaurant. You're like, Oh, God, that actually looks really good. But I'm still not hungry. And then your partner takes a bite and they did that like little happy food. So good. Like, oh, they look like they're having fun. I'm still hungry though. And then they say do you want to buy? No, yeah, I'll have a bite. Let me feed you a bite and you're like, oh, Ah, and then something happens and your stomach rumbles and your water, your mouth starts watering. And you're like, Oh, well, maybe I'm hungry now. Actually, I actually think I have a desire for breakfast. And then you like tuck on it. So this is similar to the concept of responsive desire. So we have two different ways in which we can experience desire for sex. And they are either responsive or spontaneous. Now responsive is this idea of I'm not hungry yet. But now that I've been exposed to breakfast related stimuli, I'm hungry. And so when it comes to sex, I'm not desiring sex. Yeah. But as soon as I'm exposed to sexually relevant stimuli. Maybe it starts to turn on, and I do actually build this desire for sex. Now, the difference between spontaneous and responsive is that spontaneous is the one that we see most typically represented in society. So true. Yeah, it's almost like the blueprint. People assume that the way that sex and desire works that yes, I'm holding, I'm gonna fuck immediately out of the blue. Yeah, I'm oni Let's go. And yes, a lot of people do experience spontaneous desire, where there's nothing sexually relevant happening. And yet, they're ready, they can go immediately, right? And so this is like, Okay, I'm just suddenly starving out of the blue. Like, nothing food related is happening. I'm not even like driving past, you know, a fast food place, or I'm not smelling some freshly baked cookies. You're just like, out of the blue. IE, I want to eat. And so, with sex we see in every TV show spontaneous desire, all of a sudden, they're like, fuck, let's get it on. Minimal build up to it. And for when we're talking heterosexual relationships as well. It tends to be, I'm going to speak in the binary here. In terms of men and women, men tend to feel spontaneous desire, it's about 75% of men tend to resonate more with okay, yes, desire, yes. 15% of women tend to be spontaneous. Yes. And then when we look at responsive desire, it is something like 5% of men feel responsive. Whereas I think it's, I want to say, 85% I'd have gotten my fingers around. I'm gonna check them. Okay, I'm gonna check him. But it's, I think, so important to hear and I can already like, feel women listening to this being like, having a sense of relief. Yeah. Again, clearing the story of like, something's wrong with me. If I'm not experiencing that spontaneous desire. It's just like, my body is different. My desire works different. Exactly, exactly. It's so it's so important. So to get those figures, right, spontaneous desire, we have 15% of women have spontaneous desire wanting sex out of the blue, whereas 75% of men tend to have spontaneous desire. When it comes to responsive, only 5% of men, but about 30% of women or Volvo owners experience, that wow type of desire. And so the the difference in that is quite astounding, and really, really interesting to explore. And then, of course, a lot of people are a blend of the two. Okay, some people will be like, Oh, sometimes, but sometimes this and that's where context comes into play. I am definitely a blend. Yeah, I'm definitely a blend. Totally. There's times where it's like, oh, I'm horny. Out of blue. No idea why, yeah. And then other times where, you know, my partner wants sex. And I'm like, I need to be seduced into it. Yes. And I think this is where, again, it's so beautiful to know that this is still this can still be like, even if you're not, I'm not advocating to allow someone to be with your body if you are a no, but knowing that you don't need to feel like yeah, I want to fuck in order for you to lean into a sexual experience. Right? So it it can it can be more of a slow burn. And like for me often I know. It might not be like, I want to fuck and I bet it'd be like, I want to share this experience with my partner. And that deep desire isn't there yet. But I'm I'm going to say hey, let's let's go make out or can you give me a massage or I'm going to choose connection and intimacy knowing that within that context or through choosing that that can be the doorway to you know, bringing my responsive desire online and experiencing that. Exactly. It's so so key to allow yourself to be open to connection Yes, but know that that connection, intimacy, non sexual intimacy, sensual intimacy, it doesn't always have to lead to sex. And this is something I see with a lot of women actually shutting down those moments, because they don't want to have sex or they don't want to use their voice or they're afraid to use their voice. So their partner might come up to them, and grab their butt, or like their partner might come up to them and want to make out or something. And I've experienced this early in my relationship. But I still see so many women closing down from that, and almost like, almost feeling the pressure of expectation AND, OR, and maybe not feeling that spontaneous desire. So thinking like, I don't want this. So I'm actually not even going to lean into this moment of intimacy. Exactly. And what I really advocate in those kinds of moments is to express that to your partner to be like, hey, in those sometimes in those kind of moments, you might feel me closed off from you. Because I have this feeling that, oh, this has to lead to sex, and I might not be ready for that. And your partner is most likely, you know, in all the women I've worked with in heterosexual relationships, in my experience of, you know, their partners, like, Ah, I just wanted to make out with you, I just wanted to grab you about right now, if it led to sex, awesome. But knowing that, you know, that expectation is making you feel a lot of pressure awesome. Like it doesn't have to. Yeah, and I think that is so liberating for a woman, because it is again, if if she's closing down in those moments, she's then not even allowing herself to get into a position to experience a responsive desire. It's like spontaneous desire or nothing. Exactly. And so like we're shutting ourselves down. We're like, No, I'm not even gonna give myself the opportunity to build that because yes, responsive desire is my I like, I'm responding with desire to the fact that my body is aroused, right? Because we often look at it as though it's this very linear process of I feel desire for sex, my body feels aroused, but when it's responsive, your body's actually aroused before you feel the desire. And we can only feel aroused if we are allowing something's actually relevant to happen. Making out having a massage, being intimate connecting in a way that is intimate doesn't have to be physical. Yeah, but some way that is going to make your body go Oh, like, Oh, I'm a little bit turned on now. And suddenly, you know, just like in the breakfast analogy, like, oh, rumbly tummy, salivary glands are going, you know, with sex. It's like, oh, like, I feel a little bit of like a flush, and I feel a little bit turned on. And oh, now that my body feels that way. No, I actually have a desire for sex. Yes, didn't before. Like two minutes ago, I had no desire for sex. I wasn't even thinking about it. But now sexually relevance happening. Oh, my body. My body's feeling it. And now I can understand that. That is my trigger to desire it. I love that. I think this is going to be so fucking helpful for people so fucking helpful. I was gonna say something and now it's gone. Wait, it'll come back. To him. It was It wasn't about the car analogy. No. What was the car analogy? Well, the brakes and the accelerator. Oh, yeah. So I want to talk about that. I there was something I really wanted to say there. Wait, we were talking about? Okay, if it's relevant, it will. It'll come back. It will come back. Yeah. But I really want it to come back. And maybe it was juicy. Let's let's go with the car analogy. Because I think that's, I think that's cool. My brain is still trying to work. Yeah. I'll just I'll just like go on a little rant. Okay. And I'll be like. Okay, so the car analogy is something that's incredibly helpful as well. So firstly, I think that this piece about the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire that can do like create this click in your brain where you're like, Oh, my God, now I understand all those times that I shut it down. Because I wasn't feeling that I was responding or Oh, now I understand why I want it suddenly and my partner doesn't. And that's such a key factor. And then the next part of this puzzle, which I think is so helpful, and for anyone listening and you want like a great book to read, that is going to really dive into these topics. Come as you are by Emily McCloskey, I'm sure you've shared about this plenty of times. It's such a great book, so incredible. It's just such wonderful research and the way that she has created these analogies is so helpful. And so this is an analogy about a car, no food and this one, I didn't create this one's like food. You're eating a burrito in a car, in a car. Okay, so you're snacking in a car. just snacking has nothing to do with the analogy, but just Okay, so this is around the difference between the brakes and the accelerators, right. So if you think of your sex drive as this car, you're gonna get in the car. And typically you're gonna turn that on, and you're gonna take your foot off the brake, and you're gonna press the accelerator to start moving. Now, if you are in that car, and you have your foot on the brake, and then you start to press the accelerator, and it's just gonna rev and rev and rev, it's not gonna go anywhere, because your foot is slammed down on the brake. And also the car, you are going to get quite exhausted by continuously pressing that accelerator hoping that it'll move, and it won't go anywhere. And then similarly, there are times when you know, you might, you might be on like a really like flat road. And you might take your foot off the brake and expect that it moves. But it's just like, it's just gonna sit there might like roll forward a little bit. Yeah, but they're just going to sit there waiting for you to like, press the accelerator. So it's not going to actually move until you do something, you can take the foot off the brake and press the accelerator. So when this has like, no constant context, it's like why the fuck are you talking about race accelerators l&r? So the reason that I bring up this analogy is because we have these systems at play in our body, constantly. And so there are these two systems that are called the sexual excitation system. And the sexual inhibition system es ES and ES is also known as the brakes on the accelerators. So the brakes, the sexual inhibition system is this system in your body that is constantly scanning your environment, your internal and external world, for reasons not to be aroused. It's like, okay, Illinois, right now you're having an interview with me. And it'd be kind of like, a little bit inappropriate if you were like, I'm holding on to get it on. And I've got to like, go so myself out. And so my sexual excitation inhibition system is like brakes on, this isn't appropriate, right. And then we have a second system, which is the sexual sexual excitation system, the accelerators, and this system in our body is constantly scanning our environment, or internal and external world for reasons to be aroused. And so it's like, okay, what sexually relevant is happening right now in my life, you know, is my partner like, fresh out of the shower, and like walking towards me dripping like an Adonis. And I'm like, damn, I am turned on, this is a reason for me to feel that, like, pushed down on the accelerator, and whatever it might be for you. And so what is really, really helpful for us to understand is, firstly, what am I sexual brakes? What am I sexual accelerators? How sensitive are my breaks? How sensitive are my accelerators? And also, like, how do I balance the two. So understanding these about ourselves is wildly important. And then understanding them about our partner can be super helpful as well. This was so game changing. For me, I think I read that book, like five years ago. And I'm the type of person and this is why it was so helpful to me. When I'm building up arousal, my brakes are very sensitive. Like if it's if I'm suddenly cold. Or like, if suddenly I've got the blanket on and like the blanket comes off or, or if like, a tiny bit of my hair gets pulled or like my god, yeah, and when I'm in the throes of lovemaking. I, it's like the, I'm in it, but especially at the buildup or the full play, my breaks is so fucking sensitive. And it was so beautiful for me to have that, like analogy to be then able to share that with Jacob as well. Like, oh, that's, that's, that's my brakes happening. Like, even if you know I'm so in it. And then you know, I'm, I'm, you know, you're doing all the right things or like, you know, the moment feels really good. One of these things can really take me out of it. Exactly. And, yeah, I felt that was just like, so helpful for me to notice that. And yeah, didn't notice that interplay of like you said, and I think, and I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, but breaks obviously you like the context of the moment or the stimuli in the moment. But can brakes also be like the stories we carry and those kinds of things as well? Yeah, so just like we have the handbrake and the foot brake, you can think of brakes in terms of internal and external. So external temperature, lighting, music playlists, like a partner saying they say something, you know. Exactly. And then you've got the end Internal breaks, which are, you know, self esteem body issues. No concern about the relationship like, what does this mean? Like, are we actually together? Are they going to call me tomorrow? concerns as well about like STIs physical safety, emotional safety, fear of unwanted pregnancy or desire to conceive, these things can also act as, like these mental breaks where I'm shutting myself down from pleasure, or to desire because I'm so in my head. And then also the external breaks where you're like, it's cold. Like, you know, like, I don't feel comfortable, you know, taking the the blankets off, because I'm cold. So please put the heating on or something like that, like, take the CRISPR out of the air. And I love that you said before, like, no matter how, you know, no matter how hard your food is on that accelerator, so no matter how good the dirty talk is, no matter how, you know, whatever it is, if those brick if that foot is on that break, it's you're you're at a standstill. Yeah, and it's exhausting. Yes. So it can be so exhausting to be like, I have these very sensitive brakes on my foot is jammed on the brakes. And you're trying, you're trying either you or your partner are trying so deeply to turn yourself on. And you're like, I just need to like address the foot on the brakes. Because there's no point in throwing all these accelerators at me. Yeah. And it's similar to like the sprinkles and the icing. It's like, cool, you can add all these things. But if I have my foot, so family on the break, then it's not necessarily going to work. Yes. And so we need to address what needs to what I need to feel comfortable enough to start taking my foot off. I've got a funny story about this, which is literally just happened on the weekend, when Jacob and I were making love. And I didn't like the way he's his breath smelled in the moment. And so we were in it. And I was like it was feeling so hot and so good. And then suddenly, and I don't even know if it ended up being his breath. But there was just this, this smell that like I just couldn't deal with. And He's so sensitive to my brakes now like he can feel he's so attuned to when my body closes. Yeah, you know, because it's, it's very, and I guess for someone that's very embodied and connected to, you know, their expression. It's easy to tell when that when that when that break goes on, definitely. And so I love that you just said it's important to address the brace because in the end, I was like, there's no, no matter how much you're licking my pussy right now. It's not like it's not going anywhere. And so I ended up saying, hey, like, there's a smell that we both just like, threw together. And there was like, we then had the sex ended up being incredible after that, like next level. But there was a moment after that happen, where we had a conversation and he was sharing, like, oh, that can be kind of jarring sometimes because I feel like yeah, like when we're really in it. And it was like my opportunity to say, Hang on, I know, there is some things that the sensitive sometimes and really helped me and I need to be able to address them to be able to move on. And I think yeah, I just love that you said like addressing the brakes, because they're not. Oftentimes, if you are cold, you can't like bypass that. Bypass totally. And this is the thing as well, when we talk about the sensitivity, right? Because I think both of us resonate with having quite sensitive brakes. And so it's like, yes, in the moment, you're like, full, I'd love to bypass this, but my brakes have already been like, hit Yeah. And my partner potentially, potentially they have brakes on very sensitive. So like, you'd have to like really push down. Yeah, you know, you get in this is a thing as well. Like you say the car is like your body or your your sex drive. Yeah. And so you're always like, you know, we all have those experiences of going and trying different cars driving a friend's car, and suddenly, like whoa, like, I have to like barely touch it and I'm braking like barely touched, the accelerator is going or I have to like it's an older car and have to really push it down. And so the sensitivity of your brakes, the sensitivity of your accelerator, and your partners is going to play a big role. Because, you know, for a partner, they might have incredibly sensitive accelerators, but you just do like a little tap or even like a little touch of that person. And they're like, I'm horny. Like I'm ready to go, and it doesn't matter what else is happening. And in the moment, they can bypass all the things the halogen lights the I can like genuine by pony, magic line playing and you're like, oh my god, they can bypass all of the external stimuli, all the internal stuff, they're just like, I'm fucking. And meanwhile, you're like, how are they not noticing that it's cold? And how can they not notice that there's a stench? How do they not notice all these things? And people just have different sensitivities? Yes. And so are your brakes more sensitive, or your accelerators more sensitive? Yeah, and not shaming either way. Because I think sometimes we can get it in our head that, oh, it's better to have it like sensitive accelerators than it is to have sensitive brain. Yeah. But also, like, sometimes, if people have like, not very sensitive brakes, and they can't turn it off very easily, they have incredibly sensitive, sensitive accelerators. And they're, like, turned on so easily. That can also be like a struggle to deal with because you're like, Fuck, I'm holding it all the time, and I can't turn it off or like it. You might even take more riskier behavior, right? This is why people might have risky sex or not, not use condoms, not be safe. not think about their physical safety, their their health, things like this, they might not have that conversation, because they're like, I just wanna fuck med. Like, I can't think of anything else. Yeah. And so we need the brakes. And we need the accelerators, or we just want to balance them out. And we want to figure out how do I, you know, turn like on my turn ons? And how do I turn off my turn offs? And that, again, is like, if we're looking at that map analogy, it's like mapping out like, what are what is my x? What are my accelerators? And what are my brakes and having an awareness of that? Yeah, ourselves. And also being able to communicate that to a lover or partner is really powerful as well. Definitely. And I think this is, you know, the most helpful activity, and I'm just gonna go coach mode, and I'm going to employ, employ you. I would like for you all to please take out a pen and paper. But like your your homework after this episode is to literally get out pen and paper, write down brakes, write down accelerators, and like, list, everything that you can think of, that turns you on, and that turns you off, that stops you from wanting sex or that like leads you to desiring sex more, and have this as like a running list. Because you might not know until you're in the moment, the next time that you're like, Oh my God, this song drives me up the wall and I can't focus. That song is on my breaks list. I'm sorry, I sometimes I want a playlist on Yeah, and then I'll have to be like, sorry, not this song. Skip this song. 1000s tell you something. Okay. So I'm extremely sensitive to like music. Like, I've I've used this so many times when I've been talking about the idea of breaks and accelerators. I've shared this with so many partners. If I know the lyrics to the song that's playing, I am singing it in my head. It is really hard for me to focus on what is happening. You could be giving me like the best eating out of your life. And I'm like really hard for me to like, get out of my head, because I just want to sing along. And I'm like, I'm over here doing karaoke. Like, Oh, I did a dance routine to this one. And so like, and I share this with my partners, I'm like, it needs to be like lyric free. Yeah. Instrumental instrumentals, that was one time Oh, my God is so mortifying. Okay, this was years ago, when I was a pole dancer was before I bought my pole dancing studio. I was like a pole dancer by hobby. And I was doing like my set three and four and fitness. And naturally, it's like super into one of the other students studying and we had this like date planned for after after class one day. And this dude, like, knew that I was a pole dancer, and it was very much like, Oh my God. And while we were fucking this guy has the song. It's like, I'm in love with the strip. Like, bro, turn that shit off. Just like strip riding you to that. Feeling density? Like, this isn't this, isn't it? I hope this is a permission slip to anyone that needs it to be able to, you know, attend to those breaks in the moment because it does not work. And I think it you know, it puts us even more in our head. Yeah, and once we are there, it's it can be challenging to come back into the body, especially with just trying to bypass or like pretend you can't hear the song and pretend you're warmer than you are. Like, it's okay. And it's actually fucking necessary to advocate for yourself in those moments and to attend to those breaks. Because they can actually be a portal to you know, the nourishing sex that you really crave. You're not going to feel nourished by sex if you're just like, you're gonna feel like you said exhausted if it's like look exactly And I think what holds people back, you know, maybe it's just like a people pleaser sort of tendency to not speak up not advocate for your pleasure. But so often there's this myth of like, you're going to, like, kill the vibe, you're going to ruin the mood. If you say, Oh, can we close that window? Yeah. Because you're like, Oh, we're in the middle of it, and all how awkward to to kill the vibe. But from there, I'd say to you, why? Why are you prioritizing their pleasure and their enjoyment over yours? Because what you're saying there is you're essentially saying, I care more about them enjoying having sex with me and my body? Yeah. While I'm not in it, and I'm checked out, then I do about saying, Oh, this would make me more comfortable. And then we're both going to have a more pleasurable experience. Yes. Like, why are you? Like, why are you not allowing yourself to speak up and advocate for yourself? And I truly believe that, in my experience, it's when when you are not there, your partner is, like, they're not going to have as good of a time if you are completely fucking in the room. And you are, you know, deep in the depths of pleasure. And so, yes, it is about you like choosing those things. But it's also about, you know, I'm this is how are we going as like the entity of these humans having sex right now? How are we going to have the most incredible experience together? Exactly. And I know that there's a lot of people out there who are concerned about, like, ruining the moment or making having their partner respond in a way that's like, Oh, my God, okay. If they like roll their eyes, or don't respect that you need X, Y, or Z to feel more comfortable. That to me is a gentle invitation. Great information. Great information. Okay, cool. So you can't handle the fact that I need to be more comfortable in order to do this really, like sacred, beautiful, vulnerable, connected thing with you? Well, maybe I won't be letting you in here. Again, yes. Like, it really does speak to a person's character, if they get annoyed with you for sharing what you desire. That to me is like a red flag. I agree. It helps when you think, Alright, like. Okay, I remembered what I wanted to say, will kind of come to completion. I wanted to say when we were talking about, oftentimes, women feeling that pressure and expectation, and then so going, Oh, I'm just going to close down and cut off that moment. So I'm not going to make out I'm not going to do these things, because I'm assuming it's going to lead to sex, and we're not ready for that. What I suggest or prescribe to women in those moments is take sex, like completely off the table. And a lot of the women I'm working with are in long term partnerships. And this can really show up you know, more when you're living with someone in those kinds of settings, but not always necessarily. But I literally advocate for take sex completely off the table, have that conversation with your partner. So you know, and don't break the rule, like, ya know that so Okay, penetration or whatever your kind of definition of sexes that's off the table. So there's this like, ability to land and feel safe in those moments, okay, I can enjoy a minute of fully making out with my partner in the kitchen, have them in, in the kitchen of a morning or, you know, after dinner, knowing that there is no possibility that this is going to lead to sex. Oh, it makes it so much more enjoyable. And it builds that sense of trust and safety of like, oh, okay, I know. Yeah, there's not this pressure and this excitation on me, I can just enjoy this. And then you're able to actually connect with that responsive desire, like a woman or whoever's experiencing this can actually go, ah, oh, well, there is a not broken Oh, well, there is the part of me. Now I want to fuck up. But I think this is so beautiful for a woman to be able to then build that relationship and be open to her responsive desire, because so often, that's just not the case. When, when, you know, she's choosing to shut down in this moment. So Jeff actually began to get fired, take sex off the table. 1,000% I think it's such a powerful practice and will really give you more of an idea of oh, this is what turns me on. And this is what doesn't turn me on. Yeah. And start to like, really build that relationship with your own arousal itself. Yes. Okay, anything else you would love to bring? Before we speak about ways people can work with you and find you anything else you want to bring to the conversation? And now I feel like we've covered a lot of like Juicy, juicy information about sex drive libido desire. It's such a nuanced and multifaceted topic though. So I would really, really encourage people to recognize how multifaceted they are. And their relationship with desire is never going to be just a quick fix. I wish it was, I wish I could be like, here, just do this one practice and you'll be fine. It's more of an in depth like journey of self discovery, and like, really taking the time with your partner to explore completely. I was gonna I was gonna say people talk about baby brain, but I think it's when you become a mom, but I don't know what 20 pregnant. Were how I know you've got a libido course coming out that you're currently creating, which I know there's probably a bunch of people listening to this that are like, yes, I would love more information on that. you've currently got a waitlist for that? I do. Yeah, I've got a waitlist, I can send you the link to that amazing shownotes. And yeah, it will be launching pretty soon. It's just in the works. It's probably the most in depth thing that I have created and wrote about creating because of the multifaceted layered nature of libido. You know, I really originally wanted to just create like a short and sweet little thing, but it's such a big topic that I want to do it justice, I felt like it would be a disservice if it was just like a really short, quick course. So it's going to have a lot of juicy information, six logical concepts. But also I'll have some guest experts on topics like hormones and stress and sleep and SSRIs, things like that. So like impact your libido that aren't necessarily sex illogical. And also, it'll have, you know, embodiment practices and exercises for your own self exploration as well as intimacy exercises with partners. So it's going to be juicy. Yeah. Okay, so we'll put the I'll put the link below. And then for those that aren't following you, or don't know more about your work, tell them how they can find you. And anything else you want to you want to share. Amazing. Thank you. So my name is Eleanor Hadley. And my handle is just at Eleanor Hadley and website is Eleanor hadley.com as well, and so you can find all my programs and everything. They're amazing. And Eleanor does for those of you that have watched the pussy Pro and BJJ Queen episodes, l&r does a course called tongue tactics so you can go and learn how to be a tongue tactician. Exactly in your head game, modified tongue tactician. It's fun to say. It's fun to be over like 720 students or something at the moment. That's wild. It's done so well and people love it. So if you want like really practical stuff go there. For sure. Perfect. I love that. That's your legacy in the world. Yeah, it's all out there. I can do what a violence to vest legacy to leave the world. I didn't I didn't think that this would be my legacy. But I'm happy because it's fine. You know, if you guys are having pleasure, because to me, my pleasure. Your pleasure. It's my pleasure. Thank you, my love. This has been so beautiful. Thank you. Bye beautiful humans. See you next week. Yo, yo, yo, thank you so much for tuning in to another episode of sex, love and everything in between. Now if you'd like to stay connected with Megan, I You can head on over to Instagram and follow me at the Jacob O'Neill and where can people find you lover at the dot mag dot o amazing and yeah, guys, check out the show notes for all the information in regards to what we've got coming up. And yeah, we're super super grateful that you guys for taking the time to listen to this podcast. If you do have any topics or any questions, like I said, hit us up on Instagram and we'll see what we can do. Apart from that have a beautiful, beautiful rest of your day. Thanks for being here. Big Big Love.