Ever find yourself waxing nostalgic about the mixtapes of your youth while swiping left in search of love? Join me, Crystal Kolb , and my Co-Host Michael Gillespie (LOL) as we chuckle over our former dating escapades and get real about searching for that special someone in our 40s. With heart and humor, we dissect the evolution of romantic expectations, the digital dating revolution, and the fine art of navigating middle-aged love.
Crystal and I don't shy away from the nitty-gritty, whether it's the delicate dance of going Dutch or the ever-present conundrum of when to introduce your kids to a new partner. We unravel the complexities of connecting with someone new while balancing the responsibilities that come with life's fourth decade. It's an honest reflection on the importance of communication, the instinctual wisdom we've gathered along the way, and the challenge of not letting past relationships define our future love stories.
As we wrap up, we leave you with a heartfelt tip and a laugh – don't let the emotional luggage from your past crowd your journey forward. We've all got it, but it's about carrying it with the finesse of someone who's lived and learned. So, pour yourself a glass of whatever soothes your soul, and tune in for an episode that will leave you feeling seen, heard, and maybe even a little inspired to make your next swipe count.
Get $10 off of Dr. Squatch soap right now!
Use the code WDYM
www.drsquatch.com/WDYM
Email me! Thewdympodcast@gmail.com
Intro by Kobeofei via Fiverr
Season 2 Artwork: Ishida1694 via Instagram
Ever find yourself waxing nostalgic about the mixtapes of your youth while swiping left in search of love? Join me, Crystal Kolb , and my Co-Host Michael Gillespie (LOL) as we chuckle over our former dating escapades and get real about searching for that special someone in our 40s. With heart and humor, we dissect the evolution of romantic expectations, the digital dating revolution, and the fine art of navigating middle-aged love.
Crystal and I don't shy away from the nitty-gritty, whether it's the delicate dance of going Dutch or the ever-present conundrum of when to introduce your kids to a new partner. We unravel the complexities of connecting with someone new while balancing the responsibilities that come with life's fourth decade. It's an honest reflection on the importance of communication, the instinctual wisdom we've gathered along the way, and the challenge of not letting past relationships define our future love stories.
As we wrap up, we leave you with a heartfelt tip and a laugh – don't let the emotional luggage from your past crowd your journey forward. We've all got it, but it's about carrying it with the finesse of someone who's lived and learned. So, pour yourself a glass of whatever soothes your soul, and tune in for an episode that will leave you feeling seen, heard, and maybe even a little inspired to make your next swipe count.
Get $10 off of Dr. Squatch soap right now!
Use the code WDYM
www.drsquatch.com/WDYM
Email me! Thewdympodcast@gmail.com
Intro by Kobeofei via Fiverr
Season 2 Artwork: Ishida1694 via Instagram
you're listening to the WDYM, the what do you mean? Podcast. Now everyone gather around and listen to one of Hamilton's best podcasts. No, no research to back this up. Your host, michael Gillespie.
Speaker 2:And welcome to another episode of the WDYM. As Kobe said, I'm your host, michael Gillespie. Hope everybody's good. Everybody's doing good. Hope everybody's doing well. Today's episode is a very special episode. First and foremost, right, I have a guest from the yesteryear that I've known like pretty much all my life. We have a topic that we can give advice for, so the what do you mean? Can actually apply to everybody. So, without further ado, let's introduce Crystal Cole.
Speaker 1:Hello, hello, hello.
Speaker 2:How's it? First off, how are you doing? I'm awesome. How are you? I'm doing great, doing great. Now, I've talked about this before in a podcast at the beginning of the year of trying to get her on the podcast, and that was in January. But now we're in March and I finally got her on the podcast. So, hey, you know it's part of the effort of trying. So, first and foremost, we got a main topic for today. Secondly, but secondly, we have that, I guess, say, a breakdown of of the topic. We'll get that, we'll get there in a second, but first we got to introduce Crystal and how we know each other. And so, without further ado, crystal, you're on the mic. Hello.
Speaker 3:Thanks for having me first off. Oh no, absolutely Thank you. Sorry it's taking so long, it's okay.
Speaker 2:You know, sometimes you got to wait for things. You know, and I don't mind this. And and knowing you and the energy you bring to life and everything to life and everything, this is going to be a fun episode. At least I think it is. I'll have to edit, or I'll edit 40 minutes of it out. I'll say hey, welcome to the show, goodbye.
Speaker 3:That's all. That's a wrap. That's a wrap. No, thank you for something Like honestly, I'm just I'm happy to be here and thanks for the time thank you and I love it. I think, I think you're awesome oh, thank you as always. Oh, yeah, man no, I I appreciate good entertainment right, I mean, you do a good job yeah, and I appreciate it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, thank you. So, first off, she's lying and that's not true no, no, no, no. So yeah, we go back all the way to middle school, slash junior high school, I guess that's what they call it now. Middle school, they're high school and from high school we go our own separate ways and come back together and all that stuff. So we've come back together in 2024 and I'm hoping that this year is good for both of us. Hopefully my podcast can grow and hope you know everything goes good with you.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no good things coming. 24 is going gonna be a good year absolutely, absolutely so.
Speaker 2:The topic of the day, the topic that we both came up with, is it is a rough one, and this is, this is something that that a lot of people face.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, um, you know, when we start the relationship and you know start, you know trying to find somebody, you know you're in the 20s and everything it's, it's easier, yeah, and the thing and the thing that, like I would like to include into that, we had a lot of advantage. In my opinion, we had a lot of advantages in our 20s, absolutely, absolutely one one thing, one thing I'd have to say life's not beat you up by that point, oh yeah yeah, it ain't whooped you yet you're optimistic, you're like
Speaker 3:yes, yeah like she's fine no, she's cute.
Speaker 2:Now it's like you know I'm 40. I forget this one leg. It's okay come here.
Speaker 3:Honestly, it's uh, it's it's interesting, um, now that I'm like where I'm at now in my life, like I'm a little bit wiser right. Not that much, but um, you know it's funny. I look back at the girl like, oh honey, I just want to shake her a little bit like what did you?
Speaker 2:do so. The topic of today is dating in the 40s. Yeah, and there's so many things that are different from yesteryear, a couple years ago, to dating now. Now, some of the things that I remember long, long, long time ago. Long, long, long, long time ago, there was some advantages that we had in our twenties. One of the advantages that we always had that we don't have now was the power of the mix CD.
Speaker 3:Oh my gosh, are you kidding me? I still have some, you know look, I go back, way back to mix. You went that far back.
Speaker 2:I was going to say CD, but you're're gonna go that far, but I still have some tapes.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, oh, you mean vh wait, wait, cassette tapes yeah, absolutely I still have some I'm talking sixth grade like listen, I do, well, do you have something to play it on? No, that's the problem, I mean. But I do have them. I have like a little box I keep and, um, actually mom helped me keep it. She had a couple items. So I have just, yeah, some fun old school tape, right, like get the pencils out, because it just ate, you know.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, yeah, it's awful, you had to wind it in the middle. Yeah, I remember that. Let me remind you, that's awful VR. So the power of the mix CD. That's one of the things that I like about the mix CD. Like if I gave you 12 songs from my heart, I am letting you know listen, that's real deal that is real deal, that ain't?
Speaker 2:no, yeah, that's like hey, if you, if I gave you the mix CD and you lose it or you scratch it, that's letting me know something right there. That's one of the things that back then, that we don't have now iTunes, everything's iTunes, spotify, all that good stuff, and we don't have now, man, it's so true iTunes, everything's iTunes, spotify, all that good stuff.
Speaker 3:And we don't have that no more.
Speaker 2:That's one of the things that we. It's a different day, right it is, it is. So we've come up with a list of 13, 13, what do you call it? Like? Tips, yeah, tips on dating in the 40s.
Speaker 3:Dating hacks. Follow us for more hacks. There you go Also.
Speaker 2:yes, by the way, always, always, always, you got to plug yourself. Hit me up on email at the WDYM podcast at gmailcom. Again, that is the WDYM podcast at gmailcom. Hit me up, write me a letter, write me an email saying hey, I listened to the show and I loved it or whatever, absolutely All right.
Speaker 2:Awesome. So whatever, absolutely all right. So let's go into the first one. What's the first one? Let's take a look. Here you go first. Oh you, okay. So this article was made by bridescom as of september 13 2023, by michelle vartan. She has 13 expert approved tips for dating in your 40s. Number one, of course choose your partner wisely. I don't think you have to tell people to do that, right? I mean, there's a question.
Speaker 3:Maybe that's the reason there's problems out in the world Right. Maybe, some are out there really confused.
Speaker 2:It is. I mean, let's read what she says. We've all heard the staggering statistic indicating that half of the marriage is all in divorce, but the real data doesn't support the claim. According to the data from the Census Bureau, divorce in America has been falling since 2021. Per every 1,000 marriages, there's only 6.9 divorces. In 2011, there is 9.7. The good news is that, due to more young adults delaying marriage to gain more life experience, financial stability or a stronger sense of self, before saying I do, all 40 somethings have had time to work on the dating field. Have more players looking to get hitched? If that's the case, don't enter into a serious relationship hastily. Warrens campbell. Marrying in your 40s, especially if it's the first time, means you have fewer years to tell death to be part I mean, look, there's a lot to be said about that I agree yeah, I feel like it's a whole different role now because you know there's there's young adults, that crystal at 23 versus, you know, just the average kid at 23.
Speaker 2:You got just kids that are, just like it will, way more ahead of the game than oh yeah I was I mean one of the things that kids have today that we didn't have today Cell phone, absolutely, you know, I mean we had it.
Speaker 3:Look, yeah, we were. We were dialing up for 20 minutes Like oh, it's taking so long, exactly.
Speaker 2:And by the time the Internet started catching on, like AOL Messenger I think that was called we had to dial in and all that stuff. Now it's on your cell phone with a quick swipe right, swipe left to find numerous people that are compatible to you according to the algorithm.
Speaker 3:And I guess that's human nature. It's no different than if you're at Kroger's and you see somebody like ooh you walk past people right. No big deal, so that's the swipe whatever it is. No, no big deal, so that's the swipe whatever, whatever it is, I don't do it but, yeah, um, you know, then you get, you come across the ones that are. You're like Ooh hello. And then so it's different, absolutely.
Speaker 2:It's weird. We had to talk to somebody. Yeah, hey, how you doing. Yeah, I saw you about to wear, you know. I thought we'd go out for a cup of coffee or something.
Speaker 3:Exactly. It's not like how it is now. We're like oh, I don't know you Right, let me meet you here at Dunkin' Donuts on whatever day. And then you walk in like where is he at?
Speaker 2:Well, oh, he's been here for 20 minutes. Me all the time yeah it's.
Speaker 3:It's a whole different. It's a it's way different world now I constantly tell my kids like guys, guys, I'm trying to like give advice on stuff that like I've lived it yet I wasn't a young adult you know, I'm just here I am now like living what I know, now you know, so it's a whole different thing right.
Speaker 2:So that's the thing. Like you have to choose your person wisely all right number two.
Speaker 3:So make sure you're both ready to date. Unlike dating. In your 20s, you've likely had a major relationship, whether it was a spouse or a long-term partner, and the person you're dating probably has too. Make sure that both you and your date have processed these relationships and are ready to move forward. Campbell advises.
Speaker 2:Oh, campbell's one of the advisors. Sure, I'm just making sure that?
Speaker 3:yeah, anyways, um, how can you tell if, uh, you or your, your date, is living in the past? One red flag is talking about their past partner and despairing terms. If they are unable to discuss it in objective terms or clearly see each others or each person's role in and what went wrong, it may be a warning sign absolutely absolutely um.
Speaker 3:They aren't over the other person more than likely and are still holding on to a grud um or or are at risk for repeating patterns in the new relationship. Um campbell suggests we're gonna oh yeah, however uh, yeah, so yeah, I, I absolutely agree with this. Um whole. Yes, absolutely there's, and there is something to be said about that, because there's a healthy discussion regarding, you know, when you're older, right we know like you have kids, you've obviously had a past relationship.
Speaker 3:Right, I'm coming into this as a mature adult that's had experience myself. There is a healthy, you know way of discussing past relationships versus being just like just angry about it.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:And you know there is definitely that I've come across quite a bit of this actually, unfortunately. Right Well not even like in the dating terms, but just in regular conversation with people. There's a lot of people that, yeah, you've got to keep your guard not really guard up, but just be.
Speaker 2:Like a slow reveal.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah you know, like you've just got to take your time, and I think that's a thing too, like people just jump into things real quickly, because I think a lot of us are out there, are really just wanting to be, you know, settled in life right we're at the age where now it's like I'm not a spring chicken here you know, at the same time, don't jump at it, because red flags aren't pink you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:Don't make that you know that's a good one, yeah, so, yeah, I think that you know is also, when it comes to that, you just you just can't make sure that that person is ready. And it goes back to when you first start dating somebody, like like first 30 days, your first 60 days. There should be like a slow progression of they should not like hey, by the way, I was a murderer and I'm coming to kill you, Right, Absolutely.
Speaker 2:So that's that's very important to say. Let's see Number three wait before introducing your partner to your kids absolutely.
Speaker 3:Look that that should be number one I'm sorry, as as a mother, that my kids are now old enough to have more of a social life than I do at this point. But, um, and they're awesome. God love them, but they, yeah, absolutely. I think that it's so important. There's a lot of um, a lot riding on that, absolutely do you think at 40 should you expect?
Speaker 2:should that be an expectation?
Speaker 3:I mean, look, look, it's different for everyone, right? So I, I, my first was, I was 23 when I had my first, you know, my. My oldest is 19 now, um, and he's more mature than I ever could be and then I got my 16.
Speaker 1:Who?
Speaker 3:knows all of everything. So if I have questions in life I go to him directly, right? No, but they both. You know it's a whole different dynamic depending on what age you're at. You know, like I think it depends on you know I have some friends that have young kids still that are in elementary, you know, at this age. So it just depends on what stage in life you're at right, you know, like my kids are, like they're, they're like literally like mobbed.
Speaker 3:Seriously, just get like you need, you need to go on dates yeah, I gotta wash my hair, you know I gotta find something to do. I'm not doing that but they're always like they're, they're, you know they they're, they're good kids, they they're wanting. You know me to be happy. Like you know, we all support each other, right and that's what it should be.
Speaker 2:I mean, especially when you have kids that are like mid. You know, I guess, what they're like. Mom, you're annoying me now.
Speaker 3:Oh wow, I was kidding, but yeah, no, I mean there is a, but there is a maturity level I think that you need to take in consideration right when your kids are really young. It is hard to to date. I think you know, depending on, like I don't know, I would say, you know puberty age, maybe like 13, 14, 15. Maybe it's a little bit more understandable but, like young, young kids it's really impressionable.
Speaker 3:Oh yeah, because you don't want to introduce some like well, for, oh, fourth date, and you know that six months like, or fourth, you know, attempt, I guess you know. So there's there is a thing with that, though yeah, I think that's that's very vital, absolutely doing that.
Speaker 2:Dating the next one and this one might be. This is one that I that I find that's troubling. Practice patience when it comes to you know, this is g show. I can't. This is. We call it cheese. When I talk, say cheese, you want me to say it? I'll just say it, say it, oh it, we're adults here we are adults, but I'm going to have kids Anyway. So spell it out, then Practice patience when it comes to sex Intimacy.
Speaker 3:You could have just said intimacy.
Speaker 2:Well, I've said sex Okay. Well, you did. You just went there. Well, hand, okay, thank you. Okay, in the heat of the moment, sometimes it will. It will take all your willpower to say no, yeah, but it's well worth it to wait. Especially for mature adults, it takes time to know someone and talking is the glue that holds the people together let me just put this.
Speaker 3:I'm sorry I have to go right, because I think there is something to be said about this like when you're in your 20s. Yeah, you're very spontaneous in life. Like you just got energy right. Like I, I, I, I get tired of putting on my left sock.
Speaker 1:Like you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Like I it's, it's a whole different feel when you are a 20 year old and you're just like just full of like optimism and you're just like, yes, he's cute, he's smart, he's whatever, uh, you know. So, yeah, like it's it.
Speaker 2:I I think there's something to be said about taking your time, absolutely right, absolutely so what's a good ballpark figure? I?
Speaker 3:feel like well, I think you know I don't like to put titles or or timelines on things I think it depends on where you're at mentally. Mentally, you know where are you at in your connection, right?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 3:I feel like just follow your instincts, Like if. Well, I shouldn't say that, because you know, instincts can sometimes be swayed by.
Speaker 2:Yeah by the hot guy in Kroger's that you just said.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so I get that, but at the end of the day, you know, I like to try to step back for a minute, crystal, because, you know, just having a rational mindset, I guess you know I, I've, I've, I've lived life enough to where I've made mistakes and I've learned from them.
Speaker 3:Well, I'd like to think I have um you know, I feel like at this point in my life I am definitely it's beneficial for sure to take your time, because I mean, at this point, it's not necessarily kids that are involved with you. You know, I'm not introducing young children to this person. This is like, essentially, like I'm an empty nester at this point.
Speaker 1:I guess.
Speaker 3:Desperately trying to get me out there, but at the end of the day I feel like it does. It helps to take your time Wait.
Speaker 2:I'm going to say 90 days, yeah, 90 days yeah your time wait, I'm gonna say 90 days yeah 90 days. Yeah, well, I mean okay, three months.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I want three months if you want to actually put a number out there, absolutely 90 days is good, at least.
Speaker 2:At least that means nothing, I mean just, I mean I mind you, it depends on who, who you are.
Speaker 3:Some people have, I might even do one 20. I mean, you know, I may wait a year or two.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no, I'm not going too far, that's going too far, no I mean, I just feel like.
Speaker 3:I feel like there is it's a responsible thing to sit back, you know, assess your situation where you're at in mindset and, and you know, just you, just you know, just take your time with it absolutely, because there's a lot of tender is a thing, right? Yes, and ladies out there, I I'm sure you can agree, tender is a real thing. There is such a thing as a guy, even in the age of 40, something that is pathetically just like no strings attached. Now, mind you, there's ladies too, I'm sure, but as a girl I can't really speak on that. I'm not dating women's right.
Speaker 3:So like like I can tell you that is. It is real, it's. It's a struggle, ghosting even, like all of it.
Speaker 2:Let's go there Again. Look that's. That is a young people thing, ghosting catfish.
Speaker 3:It is, but it's not really Sadly. Look, you are a married man.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I can't on this.
Speaker 3:Let me just speak for all of us. All right, let me sit back. I'm gonna put myself on mute first off. My motto is um, the dating pool in your 40s is not a pool, it's like a sewer a bunch of turds just floating around. I ain't gonna lie like I am not a big fan of online dating. I'm not. I'm not a big fan of meeting strangers and in a local, whatever I I I am, I am a person that, like I am okay with meeting somebody at kroger's or in the parking lot, like wherever. Like I'm not a fan of going online. Some people can speak on it and say, hey, it worked for me and happy for you, like good job, like thank God for you, like awesome, give some other people out there inspiration, but for me, nope.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's it, I mean it just feels like, and it's like you could come up, you could, you could Google what's a good response on to make, on a first impression, instead of just being a human being.
Speaker 3:Yeah, like my dating profiles. I ain't gonna lie to you. Like I've, I have some out there and a lot of them is just been just out of boredom and just kind of entertaining myself, just giggles. Like my profiles have been just absolute cheese it's like people.
Speaker 1:I literally put like I, I'm a, I'm an avid like hot dog eating contest.
Speaker 3:Oh my god, just stupid, just stupid stuff. But like I want people to understand my personality, like I'm not, like I'm not taking this serious, like if you link up with me somehow and we hit it off like and can just, like you know, shoot this, can we say?
Speaker 1:yeah, shoot with each other easily and smoothly.
Speaker 3:Like maybe there's like, hey, hey, this guy's cool, I'll talk to him, but for the most part it doesn't happen. You know, like, because you get all the cheesy, like hey you're, you're nice. Like just stupid, just stupid stuff. Yeah, stupid like, and I just I don't take it serious but, um, I don't know, who knows, who knows, you know, I could be married next year from a guy who I met on facebook messenger or not messenger, but you know, facebook dating app or who knows what.
Speaker 3:But yeah, for the most part it's uh, I, I don't, I don't have, uh, I don't have a good I don't take it serious, so here's another question, just outside of the box.
Speaker 2:Yeah, where do you meet people at now?
Speaker 3:if you want to date somebody, this is the thing. Like I I I'm asking the same question. You know like where, where do you meet somebody? If you want to, generally just want to date somebody, this is a thing like I, I, I'm asking the same question.
Speaker 2:You know, like where, where do you meet somebody? If you want to, generally just want to see somebody, like, oh, this person is a human, great it's it's aggravating yeah, let me just tell you because I am.
Speaker 3:I mean, look, I'm I at this point in my life I'm not, I'm not, I'm not hyper focused on this like I I'm at a point in my life where I I'm starting a career now with this company. It's, it's going awesome thank god for that.
Speaker 3:But you know, I'm I'm really focused on that and um, right now, dating is not like the forefront of everything right now, you know, I've kind of put it on the side burner. Um, I, I want to be my 100 crystal before I, you know, attempt that. But if I was there, um right now, you know, I really don't know what to say. Like, I don't know.
Speaker 2:I don't know, I don't know that's. That's a genuine question.
Speaker 1:My Nana always said don't force things right when you're looking for it like it's not gonna it's not, it's not gonna happen, Right Like I mean it may of.
Speaker 3:Like you know, you can't fit a square peg into a circle hole. I think that things you know. When you at least expect it, something falls in your lap like a feather, right? So like that's. I try to constantly have a mindset of like I don't want to expect, I don't want expectations, like I just want things to just fall in the way. Yeah, I want it and I don't want it to be the spoil like, oh it's so easy. No, I mean, you gotta put your work out but at the same time.
Speaker 3:I don't know. I feel like when you have expectations and you're looking for it, that's when it's not going to happen, or that's when you meet the wrong people.
Speaker 2:That's actually a good take on it. I like that, I do. I think that's a good take that is good, I like that. Yeah, thanks, no problem next one navigate gender stereotypes.
Speaker 2:Today, the dating landscape can present confusing expectations around gender roles. It's likely you and your partner will have different ideas and philosophies, especially when you're financially independent and you used to be single. Who picks up the check? How often do you want the door open for you, or do you want to open it yourself? Not being on the same page can lead to awkwardness and resentment. Open, honest communication between two loving and solemnly committed partners is required to make all types of roles, divisions and relationships work, says Wattfish. Talk to your partner about how they view gender roles and how their expectations are. If you have a different viewpoint, you can decide if it's a deal breaker or if you both can be flexible and find a compromise.
Speaker 3:So that's a good one.
Speaker 2:This one to me is speaking to men, as far as men being the gentlemen of it, you know, yeah, something like that, but more like opening car doors yeah Pain.
Speaker 3:Well, that's.
Speaker 2:See, that's where I think we don't do that no more as men I mean there is something to be said. Right.
Speaker 3:About that, no more as me there is something to be said. Right about that, yeah, right, but there are also on the female perspective here, um, there are women that are just like hey, I'm, I'm powerful, like I'm here, you know, like I don't need a man, hold, I'm totally capable you know, like.
Speaker 3:So then you have, like, you know, I think, I think it brought honestly like birds of a feather right. Right, you are attracted to a certain personality type. You got the, the women that are just like hey, I'm strong, I'm just like, this is me right and men that like that those are the people are going to link up, obviously and then you got the, the women that like to be spoiled, a little bit like a door opened and this, and that you know um I think that you know, it all kind of comes together in a way, um, but I don't know.
Speaker 3:I think that that is interesting though, because, um, it is a thing about going dutch.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know do you believe in it?
Speaker 3:um, absolutely absolutely I, I do, I don't, I do I do I feel like when I go on a date with a man, I want him to know. I look, this is what I bring to the table I'm independent now, if I'm not at the time, saves, you know I'm doing jobs or whatever the case was going, and I meet somebody. I typically, you know, I'm not usually dating at that point but, um, if I was, you know I would be upfront about it, like, look, if we go out, you know I'm just giving you a heads up, like this is my situation right um, and if that was a problem, then there you go, but if not, then you know.
Speaker 3:Then I guess being a gentleman and taking over is cool but, for me personally. I like to just put it out there like hey, I don't expect. This is like. This is not a pressure thing. Um, this is more of a, you know, like it's, it's chillax like I don't expect you to. I'm not gonna buy like a the 58 steak you know, know and be like. Look at you buy me like five more, you know, glasses of wine.
Speaker 2:Right, you know like I don't expect that, so yeah, See, my mentality is that if I am courting you, that means I need to show you my best stuff up front.
Speaker 3:It's because you're Mike.
Speaker 2:Well, I mean, that's just how my mentality is.
Speaker 3:Like if I, if you caught my eye, I'm like, oh my god, see, and Desi is smart for swooping you out because there's not many of you out.
Speaker 2:I'm telling you there's not many look she's a smart girl. I think I might use this for the sound clip for the episode don't let your head get in your way, don't do that, we're not talking about that.
Speaker 2:I promise you, I pinky promise but no, honestly, I just feel like if a man is courting a woman, that I need to show you everything. I mean it's like look, I could pay for our meals, if you know, if you say you're not expecting someone to eat two steaks on a dinner, you know? So if you're going to, if you're, if I'm courting you, I need to show you that, hey, I'm a gentleman, I'm open your door.
Speaker 3:I'm gonna walk on the driver's side of the sidewalk. You know things like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, those are lost arts, right of dating, and I just think that, like again, this is a generational thing, like it absolutely like I remember, like my, that's how I guess my dad showed me that part of all the cornball things cornball things he could show me, that was one of them that's and that's.
Speaker 3:I think that's really sweet, though and that, and you know what the thing it? He did a good job because because here you are One of the very few things he did.
Speaker 2:that was correct.
Speaker 3:Well, but but he did that and that was a pretty big. That was a pretty big part. Right, I think I think it's important that you have that. That's I mean, that's a value that a lot of people don't have.
Speaker 2:Right, I think that's between the 40-year-old people and the 20-year-old people. We've lost that gentleman dating and courting and all that stuff.
Speaker 3:See, he planted that seed. If you had a boy, you know, you have girls.
Speaker 2:Yep, Ha, ha, ha ha. What is that? I am just saying ha ha.
Speaker 3:But if you had a boy, guess what? That little boy would probably grow up to be a gentleman just like you.
Speaker 2:Yeah, well, there were some things that I had to learn on the fly because, well, anyway.
Speaker 3:Anyway, we're not talking about that right now.
Speaker 2:The next one Trust your instincts. Most relationships mistakes happen because a person does not trust their instincts early on and sticks around thinking it will change, Says Du Vassell. That's one of the experts. By your 40s you experience many human encounters, so trust your gut, she says. Plus, by trusting yourself you'll be able to look beyond the type and move forward based on the feelings and mutual values. True cornerstones of success relationships types are the people chasing something that they think is good for them. Do you want to put those kinds of limits?
Speaker 3:on love, putting things in boxes. Trust your instincts. Yes, look, I understand this right here Because, honestly, I feel like by the time we are 40, we think in our minds like, oh, this is going to work, this is going to work, this won't, this will. And people are very selective and this is where it comes. You know the whole baggage thing. Look very selective and this is where it comes. You know the whole baggage thing. Look if he may be hot but he's got five baby mamas. You're creating your own drama. Baby like selection. Once again she said what was that? The first select your, your your person, wisely, right?
Speaker 2:yeah, the first one, yeah, so yeah, this is a thing absolutely I, I, I struggle with instincts because, again, like my game or my chess game, was put everything out there. So therefore I guess I'm making myself vulnerable, yeah, so therefore I always feel like my instincts.
Speaker 3:You're not out of the game, you don't count.
Speaker 2:Well, I'm just saying that's how it was. Yeah, that's how it was for me.
Speaker 3:As a 40-year-old single woman, you know this is where it is difficult to kind of um identify a couple things. It's it's it's hard to not go on instincts um when, when you're first like ooh la la, like oh, he's sweet he's so nice, he's this and that, and then, as you get to know them, you start realizing, like the red flags, that you try not to make pink once again. Right, um, you know that's so good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I love that. Yeah, I really love that.
Speaker 3:Well, I mean and honestly it's a thing, though like it's rose color, I always like to say rose colored glass, crystal. I make everything pretty, you know, to fit a box of what I need it to be girl, you are dropping bombs, that is awesome. Well, I'm just saying it's a thing. I think that, like when people are just wanting something so badly, you know they, they give people that should not have that leeway, they, they give them those, those getaway out of jail, free cards right and like they shouldn't, don't, don't, don't downplay you know, like you are, you are important.
Speaker 3:To like your happiness is number one force for like, first and foremost. And I think that, um, I've I've learned hard lessons in my life by by allowing people to do oh, but he oh of my life, by by allowing people to do oh, but he oh. But this is just him, and this is just this and this? No, no, it's not if this does not fit well with your perspective and what your beliefs are then, then that's a problem. You cannot fit a square peg into a circle hole that's all there's to it.
Speaker 2:Look at the crystal coke dropping bombs, oh my god, I mean I'm old as dirt now oh, here we go if you're older than I'm always there too. You were really old. Oh, here we go if you're old as dirt.
Speaker 3:I'm old as dirt too.
Speaker 2:You were really old. That's funny. You're older than me. Don't forget that I don't know. The next topic manage your social media expectations. This is another thing that's new to us. Social media is a seamless part of everyday life for most 20 and 30 year olds, but for someone from the older generation, their connection to Facebook, instagram, twitter could be more than a mixed bag. Your social habits can range from a 45 year old who is plugged in as a teenager to a 48 year old who's never been on Instagram. Once things are established, ask your date for posting a photo of the two of you together. He advises against making a big deal out of trying to post too soon, as it makes the other person uncomfortable yeah, I mean, look, this is the thing it's, and it's crazy because you know, females, we, we do get excited I wouldn't just say females.
Speaker 3:We're all like that, yeah, yeah you'd be excited, right like, and it's innocent enough to me to think about you know, but but I, I'm understanding now of this. This is, this is a real thing. I think that, like you know, I don't know, I just, yeah, there is a timeline and there needs to be a conversation to be had. That is something you should discuss.
Speaker 2:Because it's a real thing now. Absolutely yeah. The thing about social media is that everybody's connected. People see your posts and all that. Even if you're not friends with you know people see your post and all that.
Speaker 3:Even if you have friends with you, know your ex or, whatever the case may be you somewhere along the line, there is something common you know. You mean like there's someone come that is gonna take that screenshot and they're gonna send it, right.
Speaker 2:Hey, girl, did you see?
Speaker 3:and then all of a sudden, you wake up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not saying.
Speaker 1:This happened to me but I know that like this happens.
Speaker 3:Yeah, with friends, I'm just like man right that, yeah, it's a thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is definitely. That is definitely something to be mindful of when it comes to dating in your 40s. Next one Accepting scheduling conflicts. Many people over 40 have many responsibilities. That requires more planning. Tuesday night dates that stretch into the wee hours may not work for a regular person working nine to five, but you are also no longer able to just skip morning classes after the first date. Parents have a balanced child care responsibilities. It could get tricky because it means a lot less time for dating and less and less alone time. Don't try to read between the lines. If your date has a reschedule or call in early, it's often because there are personal responsibilities.
Speaker 3:So be understanding and you're likely to receive some kind of understanding from them so this is the fun, tricky part right I feel like there are some men, um, that may have you know and and this, this is something I can touch on actually, um, that has you mean, look, I was 23 when I was having my first. I was 26 when, you know, there was a three-year difference. And then there are some people there are some friends of mine that didn't have children until they were like well, and they're 30. You know, I mean, good for you, you've got the energy to go on with yourself, However thank God, you know it was perfect timing for me.
Speaker 3:But you know I do have some friends that are dating, that have a person of interest as college-age children whereas they have elementary.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:That's a whole different dynamic there.
Speaker 2:Right.
Speaker 3:You know, that woman could be very like, aggravated by the fact that you've had to reschedule for the past three dates because the kid had a toothache. This happened, the baby mama didn't come through. You know, there's so many different things, so many different scenarios. It's a thing, it is. I think it can be tricky.
Speaker 2:Do you think that's a determining factor when it comes to dating in the 40s?
Speaker 3:I think you know, like, here's the thing Like I've raised my babies are they're more grown than I am half the time at this point in my life, right, I am half the time at this point in my life, right it's. It's interesting to think about, like being somebody who's like oh my god, he fits all the box like just checks all the boxes.
Speaker 1:Oh, but he's got a five-year-old five-year-old twins my luck.
Speaker 3:You know, like what do you do? You know it's. It's difficult because, like I, am at the point in my life where I'm like I, my babies are everything they have been for so long. How do you, mom, or how do you live after momming for so long, the excitement of of finding love, like at this age and and my kids just be like, okay, ma, you're annoying me get out of my face and the thought of finding somebody who we can, like you know, find our own like swing of life and and our own routines is is happy, right like that gets me excited.
Speaker 3:However, it's, it's, it's a hummus, it's, it's interesting because they're, you know, at this age, it's, it's, it is, it's definitely a thing like um. You finally fall in love with tom, who has got. You know that those twin girls are five years old and guess what? Baby mama is a nightmare. It's good. What do you do exactly?
Speaker 2:you got to make a decision there and, like you said before, um, when it comes to the dating pool, it even shrinks even more when you put those parameters around it, right, right?
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I actually I will give you just a brief, just a real quick, just synopsis of what I went through recently with a little blind of a blind gathering. I don't like to put date, I hate titles.
Speaker 2:I hate titles.
Speaker 3:It was more of like hey, yeah, we'll meet Cool, let's meet up, let's hang out just for a little bit. Found out during that little meeting, after speaking for a couple months actually why this has not been brought to my attention before now is beyond me and still questions. I just ugh ugh. But found out that he had literally five different baby mamas. Wow, and I was like okay, that's cool, awesome. So it was nice meeting you. Look at that.
Speaker 2:Watch my hair now. Oh my God, yeah.
Speaker 3:You know it, it was nice meeting you. Look at that girl, watch my hair now. Yeah, you know it's, um, it's, it's a thing, though there's a lot, I mean, and it's expected to be baggage. But, man, I think men, women, when you guys have a little bit of an intricately different, you know, lifestyle or situation, um, definitely let people know up front. Yeah, yeah, I think I think that's important too, absolutely, absolutely so next one never apologize for being.
Speaker 2:You May have had a fair of trial and error, but needed to be considered baggage. If the past follies come up on a date, focus on the growth and learning that come out. That come out of it, instead of beating yourself up. Women in particular now there's a quote, so this ain't me. Women in particular apologize for what they perceive are shortcomings or to discount themselves. You have lived a full life. No need to apologize. Own your mistakes and talk about them as life lessons, and that's 100% true. They're trophies, absolutely. I got through that. I got through it and I'm tougher, I'm stronger, I got through that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I got through it. Yeah, and I'm tougher, I'm stronger, I'm wiser, I know. I wear that like as almost like a chip of like hey, like I got through it, I'm strong.
Speaker 2:Right, and that's the thing that needs to be thought about when you're dating with somebody Like this person has gone through so much and therefore you know.
Speaker 1:And that's the thing Like we are at the age we are at right, like so it's to be expected, and and for someone to look down on that, or you know, or judge, like then it's time to go, yeah, okay I don't need you in my life, goodbye.
Speaker 3:But exactly, but um lifting each other up like hey, that sucked yeah I've been, I can relate to you but here we are, both like getting you know, got through it. It's awesome. I think that's a that's something that, yeah, exactly that should be. Think that's something that yeah, exactly.
Speaker 2:That's something that we never should have Never apologize for being who you are, because that's what built you to the person you are today. Right, exactly that's good.
Speaker 2:Next one Avoid making assumptions. It's easy to see things through the lens of your past experiences, more than you ever know have in your 20s and 30s. If you ever had negative dating experiences, you might assume that person you're dating share similar traits and behaviors as someone in your past. Yes, if it doesn't work to assume, it doesn't work to assume everyone you date is the same before your first date, try your best to open, be open and non-judgmental. By doing this you'll give you'll give your date a chance to surprise you, creating a more positive experience from the start.
Speaker 2:Not only that, but you're giving yourself an opportunity to not screw it up, yeah, and not blame it on a past experience.
Speaker 3:Let's just put it out there it is called baggage.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 3:That is baggage, but there is a healthy way of carrying it right Right. Absolutely. I feel like there, yeah, don't, and that's the thing, right, like it really is I feel, like um people, um just just oh this, oh he reminds me so much of of of my ex and this and that and just immediately, just that, just throws everything off right away, you're already like giving him no chance and and possibly giving yourself no chance of being happy exactly, man man bingo, man man.
Speaker 2:That is great. That is some great stuff right there.
Speaker 3:I gotta gotta play the I mean, come on, damn that's crazy look at you.
Speaker 2:I got the sound effects ready.
Speaker 3:I felt kind of cool just now.
Speaker 2:Alright, I think it's the last one. Keep the first date light. Conversations on a first date should be about getting to know each other, finding common ground and determining compatibility. But if you're fed up with being single and you feel a connection, you may be tempted to overshare about past negative dating experiences. Ray cautions not to fall into the TMI trap. It's natural to have moments where you wonder if you're doing something wrong and you'd like to reassure. You'd like to reassurance from your date, but that's not what you're there for. If you lack self-esteem or unhappy with yourself and your situation, it's not attractive to someone you're newly dating. Instead, be the person you want to attract. Smile, be the best version of yourself and have fun getting to know your date. Draw them out, focus on them and enjoy as things develop organically. So keep your first date light. What is some things you like to keep light on a date?
Speaker 3:this is something okay. So this is interesting because once again we're going to bring out the factor that their social media right more than likely um a woman has before she's met this person, depending on how they've been connected, whether it's through friends, whether it's through a dating app. Whatever they've already done the research really look we've already done we are. We work for the f FBI easily on a daily basis. We could easily.
Speaker 2:The internet sleuth.
Speaker 3:Give me a test, I will pass it with flying colors. We are good for that. But by the time I get there, you know I I'm coming into this state knowing at least a good 10 factors on who you are. Wow, I mean protect yourself, you have to. I'm not going to go into this blindly Right, come into Chester or Lester, who knows? No, no, no, I'm going to do my research. I'm going to make sure that this is going to be not wasted my time, because my time is precious to me at this point.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 3:Absolutely, absolutely, absolutely. I've got grown kids, I've got things to do, I've got things to do Like don't waste my time, I won't waste yours, you know? Yeah, so, but there is something to be said about and I look, I will throw myself out there right now, and I feel like there has been times where I'm like, oh, my gosh, like I connect with him, yay. And then it becomes, you know, because there is something to be said about spinning, just giving too much information, like we're not there yet what are you doing?
Speaker 3:well, you know but I think that, like when, once you find common ground with people, it's there's an excitement of filling up, like almost like a comfortability right so there needs to be you know. You need to gauge what you're sharing. I'm guilty for that.
Speaker 3:I am one to be, like you know oh, I understand this and I went through this too and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, like you just got to kind of take your time, don't get too excited and put it all out there on a plate, for you know, for them to have all at once to swallow, right, like you want to. You know, just make it, keep it light. It's absolutely great, right.
Speaker 2:I'm kind of floored that you said you do your research by checking out their social media.
Speaker 3:Okay, look, anybody who says that they have it check their. I want to see their browser history.
Speaker 2:Wow, I already know better. Okay, see, this is.
Speaker 3:I mean, you're dumb if you don't like, if you have opportunity like it's, it's, it's not a world now that you can trust everybody honestly it's, it's a different world, right like I don't know, I mean, and we have that ability to do so yeah you're right.
Speaker 1:Protect yourself. I I got craigslist killers out there people I'm kidding.
Speaker 3:I'm kidding, but I'm not yeah, you have.
Speaker 2:We have a point, you have a valid point. Uh, I just feel like you know, I don't. I'm kind of on the fence about that, because I, whether like, for example, I'll use me, for example, my Facebook, my Instagram, are two different things. Like, I'm super nerdy on Instagram and I'm just me.
Speaker 3:So you feel like you have like different demeanors sometimes.
Speaker 2:Well, you know, different personalities.
Speaker 1:You know I'm a nerd.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm an absolute nerd. Absolutely, I always have. Yeah, I like I use my instagram from all my nerdy stuff. I feel like there is a different kind of feel for each platform, though right yeah, that's what I do absolutely like my, my ex and twitter's for my political ideas oh, good lord, I'm glad I'm not friends with you. Don't worry about that, I'm kidding that my facebook is me and then my Instagram is for my nerdy stuff. Look MySpace. Everything awesome died with.
Speaker 1:MySpace guys Wow.
Speaker 3:God Look. And when it died, a little part of me died too. Yes, I put so much effort into that.
Speaker 2:I mean, we had the music, the background.
Speaker 3:I had. It was like it was bling, it was glitter.
Speaker 2:Top eight.
Speaker 1:Remember that glitter top eight.
Speaker 2:I remember that music I had absolutely top eight. That was a big deal too. I had to think about it hard, yeah I did.
Speaker 3:I took some time with that man.
Speaker 2:They didn't like it used to be. It's matt is myspace. Even still, I don't know out there I was talking.
Speaker 3:Who was I talking to? I was talking to somebody the other day like, yeah, like so-and-so, said that they were able to log in. Still, I tried, uh, years ago, and, and, and yeah I don't even remember my password. I honestly don't even think I have the email anymore. No, I don't think so either. It was my Yahoo from like I don't know, freshman year. Like AOL just now, like you know, it was dialing yeah.
Speaker 2:I remember that.
Speaker 3:Dad was like Crystal, are you up? Go back to bed.
Speaker 2:you know, yeah, oh my God, that was the time back then. And if someone picks up the phone, yeah, oh, I'm on the phone, I'm on the I gotta make a call. I want asl messenger. I messed up my connection, man. Yeah, it was a struggle. Yes, the second part of the last part of it is for what people can do to meet people can somebody tell me that? Well, yeah, listen to this. They actually listed websites and all that stuff. So number one, of course, is Matchcom.
Speaker 3:No, Okay, first off no.
Speaker 2:No, not for me. No, not for me Okay.
Speaker 3:Here's my thing I'm going to let the universe play.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:I'm just letting it happen, you're just letting it fall Right.
Speaker 3:Where's the feather at? I'm looking for it still. Okay, don't look for it though. That's the point.
Speaker 2:Don't look for it, okay. I mean, that's fair.
Speaker 3:I feel like, like be open to it you know, but I feel like when you're like, when it's right, that's true, so don't do matchcom.
Speaker 2:Or then don't do silversinglescom either, or the city.
Speaker 3:people just don't know. Farmerscom.
Speaker 2:Farmerscom. That's another thing.
Speaker 3:I feel like that's right where I need to be.
Speaker 2:And they also list eHarmony as one of the other places to go. So if you're 40 and over and you're looking for love, where do we go from here? You just according to Chris, you just let it fall in your hands.
Speaker 3:Don't go to Not necessarily Look. I'm not saying don't, go out and get what you want. Be that person, be bold and be bold. Do what you gotta do, but at the end of the day, don't. When you put expectations on people, that's when it just automatically is going to just be a negative.
Speaker 2:I feel like yeah, and then this is let nature take its place this is the free flowing crystal code that I know.
Speaker 3:Just let's let it this is the crystal that's had my first like work week in a while. That's been wild and my brain's half but successful, but successful.
Speaker 2:It's been wild and my brain's half, but successful, but successful, but successful.
Speaker 3:It's been fun, though, that's good though it's been so much fun. Good, good, good, catching up Talking about dating. I hate dating.
Speaker 2:I hate this whole topic. That we can do. I hate this topic, but, guys, it's been fun talking about it with you. It's always good. It's always good to talk and put that out there.
Speaker 3:Yeah, married man 20 years.
Speaker 2:That has no idea what's going on. I'm still stuck in the old school, but that'll never change. That'll never change. But any, let me say any last things you want to say before we head out.
Speaker 3:No, no, I just we're pretty much done, we're wrapping this up.
Speaker 2:Yeah, we're wrapping this up now, no problem.
Speaker 3:The best, as usual. Good you were my bestie back then. You're still here now, to this day. I talk to you every other day, yeah.
Speaker 2:Every other. So let me, let me, let me, let me, let me end this on a side note for talking to talking to Crystal Cole. But how to talk to her? You send her a message, stop no.
Speaker 3:When you send her, won't get a reply till two to three days later. Look, it's like I don't even remember what we were talking about. Okay, first off, um, just come out there, just you know what. I'm not gonna put anything out, it's just, it's fine. Okay, life I I.
Speaker 2:I completely get that.
Speaker 3:I understand, because we're 40 at the end of the day, I can go a year without speaking to you. And when I come back and speak to you, guess what?
Speaker 2:it's just like yesterday there you go, I a beat that's when you know you found your tribe that is a friendship right there that can withstand the test of time. So we're going to end the episode right there. I said that's a very successful episode. I think it was great. I am so glad you came to the studio today.
Speaker 3:I am like a blabbermouth. Don't worry about that. Are we still online? Yeah, we're still. I think it was great. I am so glad you came to the studio today.
Speaker 2:I am like a blabbermouth I'm trying to edit that. Don't worry about that. Don't worry about that.
Speaker 3:Are we still online? Yeah, we're still on. Oh my, yeah, I haven't canceled it.
Speaker 2:Yet Just kidding guys. It was awesome, it was great, it's all good. So, with that being said, we're going to end thank you for guys tuning in.
Speaker 1:I'll see you guys next time I'm out. Girl Scout peace, see ya.