A personal and candid message from Ann

A personal message from Ann. She gets personal and candid after reading Mariska Hargitay's (Olivia Benson from SVU) article in People Magazine and saw her interview on the Today Show. Ann gets honest and talks about Mariska's situation and how to take pain and turn it into helping others. She discusses showing your true self, scars and all. S

 Having been a director at a battered woman's shelter and a rape crisis hotline, Ann delves into the often-misunderstood response of freezing during an assault and the web of blame and shame that survivors navigate. We stand together with those who have had to face such strength. 

The episode touches on abuse with people who have disabilities or pre-existing trauma. Ann talks grooming and how chillingly proficient abusers are in identifying their targets.  She discusses the reality of not belng believed by those in trusted, authoritative positions. Her main goal is to bring a voice to survivors. 

Ann briefly shares why she has dedicated this episode to her sister and to anyone who has holds the weight of unspoken secrets. 

You don't have to suffer by yourself or in silence. 

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:09

Welcome to Real Talk. And you've got me, ann and I've done this once before where I came on and I shared a little personal message and every now and then some things happen and I just think this is a good time to do that. I only saw Mariska Hargitay on the Today Show and I read an article in People magazine about her and it was just so inspiring that you know, if anybody watches SVU and if you've been associated with Olivia Benson for the last 25 years, then you know she's our writer, die a lot of us and she's just an amazing person. But recently she came out with an entirely different side of her, where she actually, 30 years ago, had been the person who had gone through sexual assault, rape and so and it was really brave for her to come out and I was just so inspired by a lot of the things that she said in that article. Even if that isn't where you what you have had happen to you, there's still a relatability with her story and you know so many of the things. Like she said, you know you can still be vulnerable and a badass and I just thought, yes, you know, I mean to me, and we just recently had a podcast with a Chardae Young also known as Love Freely, and she said that being vulnerable is badass and I thought, yes, I mean, you know, that's where I gravitate. I gravitate towards real people and Tina and I both do, and I always in my own personal life, have gravitated towards those who are edgy and I know I am a little bit on the edgy side, I mean and the people that I love, even in music with pink, you know, I mean she's real, she's authentic, she's edgy and she has nothing to hide, she's not fake, and that's what I like. And another thing that she talked about which I thought was you know, I have talked to a lot of people because I used to be actually the director of a battered woman's shelter in rape crisis hotline and we used to have people come into our shelter that had also been sexually assaulted. And you know, it's really interesting to hear when you hear somebody that has a platform, like Olivia Benson, say things like you know, I checked out of my body. She said she went into freeze mode, which is a comma trauma response when there is no option to escape, and so many people who have been a survivor of sexual assault rape One of the things that happens when they don't do anything is they are blamed.

Speaker 1: 3:15

And then there's this shame on top of them and they are left to feel as if they did have something to do with it, because they didn't do anything about it. They couldn't stop it. And sometimes, if they're in a relationship where it goes for a very long period of time and it could be even years and they can't find their way out of that relationship, maybe they had trauma before, maybe they had trauma growing up and they're just not able to break free from that relationship. It does not mean in any way, shape or form that they are to blame, because all that means is they couldn't have figured out a way out. And I know that that's hard for some people to understand, but I was in a situation for four years where I was unable to get out of it. And after the fact and I told people you know, this is happening to me and then, when I did and I was really young, I mean I'm talking 30 years ago too and I told people and even the people that should have been and they were in a position to help me blamed me and said things going by what this other person of authority said Because they were 20 years older than me. So you know, you always have to take things into account and really you don't, because every situation is different.

Speaker 1: 4:47

But when there's a power play, when there's a big age difference, when there's a situation where you have somebody who has autism, where they had a lot of trauma growing up and they automatically freeze, you know I always say that there's the person that is the abuser, will always find somebody that they can victimize immediately. When they walk into a room of even a thousand people, they've got a radar about them and they're actually looking. I mean, they are going into that situation and they are looking for that person and they know how to groom them and they know how to get them to the point where they can absolutely get them to where they need them to be and completely throw them off, to the point where they didn't see it coming. So, and that is exactly what happened to me, and the people that I'm actually mad at is the people that denied me the help when I went to them in true confession and true honesty, and somebody that never spoke and I was always the quiet one and I actually, after that happened to me for those next years I hardly talked to anybody. I went into what I was when I was younger when it's like this selective mutism where you just don't talk and I went into complete. I mean, if anybody would have known me before this happened and then they knew me after this happened and during those years they would have known, hey, what is going on with Ann? Something is going on and I want to put that out there because I think everybody knows people well enough that if you see a huge change in their behavior, even if they're an adult, you might want to just say, hey, what's going on and you know.

Speaker 1: 6:45

What ended up happening is I went after I told my best friend and the people in charge of a church where it was happening, where I also worked. My best friend, my best friend, I mean, we were, you know, everything to each other, we did everything with each other and she totally bam, was gone Because we got claimed together. We hung out together to the point where we really did help each other through some pretty significant life situations and then, when it happened, that happened to me she couldn't deal with it and she was out. Okay, so when you go to other people in authority that really don't, or a lot more further removed from the situation. You wouldn't hope that they might just jump in and say, yeah, I would, I believe you. I believe you know to have somebody just say I believe you. Maybe you don't, maybe you're not sure yet, but just to say you know what, I hear you. That is so important to somebody that comes to you with something so significant. One of the things that I did, from the things that have happened to me, is I've decided to. You know, we have this platform. We have created a way for people for me, tina and anybody else that comes on the podcast to be able to tell their story, because lots of people have been silenced, and for the listeners to be able to know that they're not alone, and that's always been the purpose of this.

Speaker 1: 8:40

One of the things that Mariska did, which I think is absolutely beautiful, is she created the Joyful Heart Foundation to help those who have been sexually assaulted and that she stated that she was doing the work on the outside of her with others so that she could also do the work on the inside. And I get it. I mean, I get more out of helping other people and that helps me. That blesses me. When I have held hands with people in the battered woman's shelter or at the hospital or in the jails, I've gotten more out of that for myself. I always say because I do have a master's degree. But I got a master's degree in helping people and that will always be my true passion.

Speaker 1: 9:38

Minimizing is so common. When someone is raped, sometimes it is the people around us who call it what it is before we truly understand what happened to us. And that's what happened to Mariska. As you read the article, she also says something so profound that trauma fractures our mind and our memory the way a mirror fractures, and I know that whenever anybody has gone through something so traumatic, I think it alters your brain. It alters Something happens to the brain at that moment in time and it reminds me which Tina and I talked about a tree and the rings in a tree or the body keeps the score book and how it's like. There's things in it, that where you can see the marks, you can see the scars, you can see the path that a person took, the journey that they took and the pain that they went through along the way, and you can look at somebody's life, even when they're a hundred years old, when they were five and you can see, yeah, that happened.

Speaker 1: 10:51

One of the things that she said was that she still was looking for an apology from the person who hurt her. You know, I don't want that. I never want to see that person in my life again. I never want to breathe the same air as that person. But what I do and what I always wanted and I still think it matters to me is that the people who ignored me, the people who blamed me, shamed me, sat across from me and said you wanted it. The people from the church that changed my life forever, because, instead of believing me, they blamed me and they also told you know, it created a path for me to actually not work at the church anymore, for me to be looked at differently instead of the person who actually did it.

Speaker 1: 11:48

And I don't think that anybody who comes forth and tells that somebody's done this to them whatever it is that they've done that they should be the one that's looked at as where the shame is placed on them, and I just think that that's a whole other layer of the abuse. So now you've got the actual incidences of abuse and then you have this layer of shame because you actually came forward and told people that this happened to you and then, bam, now you've got this on top of it and it's just weighing on top of the actual abuse. So how can you actually even get to the abuse part when you've got all these layers of shame on top of it? You can't. And then you've got this person and this person and all these other people that are just just laying more and more blame and shame on top of that, and so you just shut down even more and you're not able to even actually reach the part that you need to get to.

Speaker 1: 13:00

The other thing that she talks about, which I think is very significant, is that it doesn't define you. I mean, I thought that it did for a really long time and I wore it. I mean, when I walked into the room, it was really like I was wearing a shirt that said that this had happened to me, and I, of course, wasn't, but that's how I felt. I mean, I felt that all of my abuse, from the time that I was born all the way up until this incident, had happened to me, and I was like 29 when it stopped and then my life started over when I was 30 and that's when I really started the healing and started living, I guess. But I still am. You know, I I was not the person that I am today and that stuff is like in the rear view mirror and I don't even know that person anymore, which is a really amazing thing. But it took a lot of work to get here. So don't ever, ever, ever be ashamed of the journey and how long it takes you to get here. I mean, it took her 30 years to come out and say something. So I mean, just be proud of where you are right now.

Speaker 1: 14:22

She also talks about her mother's passing away in a car accident when she was only three years old. Mariska was in the backseat with her brother when it happened and she says when somebody has early childhood trauma and you lose a parent, you don't have proper attachment, and I really believe that I didn't, and that's, you know, another thing that I wanted to just share and talk about briefly, because you know, there's no shame in that either on our parts, and things happen to us which create something like that, but it's up to us in what we do with it, and that's where, eventually, our choice does come into play in what we do with it, and I didn't have the attachment with my biological mom. I don't think I ever had the attachment with my adopted mom and Having so much loss and so many things happen to me before I was even 18 years old and even as a young child, and then losing my sister when I was only 11, after my dad passed away To, she was given back to the system and we really never had a relationship again. There were. There were so many things that happened and so many lies and secrets that were buried on top of those things and when I was told not to tell. That. I really think it affects your ability to attach or to be able to Be close with anybody or even be trusting with anybody. Because I wasn't, and I think that that's what kept me so distant and eventually getting to the point where, even young, I would started drinking and then I was drinking a lot by the time I was in my 20s and it just, you know, through college and everything. I mean I, that's what I did, I just drank, and I think that that helped me get through a lot of my Hurtful, hurtful times. It was very hard for me to feel everything that had happened and so numbing, I think I felt was the only option.

Speaker 1: 16:39

One of the things that I really liked about what she said was that she said that she was glad that she had found success later Because she could not handle it before, when she was younger. I know that that has taken. I know that it has taken me an entire lifetime to get where I am and I Would never in a million years want to go back to my 20s and 30s and 40s and and I like right where I am. It was a process I, and it took me this long to grow up. I always say it finally feels like I'm the age I'm supposed to be. I mean, I don't feel my age, but at least I feel like an adult, and that is really important, and I know that the autism and the disabilities have a lot to do with that too. And then the trauma on top of that, which also, you know, stops you kind of where the abuse happened, and so it took me a long time to become an adult.

Speaker 1: 17:46

One of the most amazing things that she asked, or is her mantra actually, she says that she lives by this what would you do if you weren't scared? And I mean, what an amazing question to ask yourself over and over again throughout your day or throughout your life, whenever you come up against something that really scares you to the point where you're like, oh my gosh, you know I can't do this, but it's something that you really want to do. I mean, imagine if we get to the end of our life and then we allowed our fear to stop us from being able to do any of those things that we really wanted to do and we only get one shot. So, yeah, I mean it's just so important that we don't let our fear stand in the way, and I've learned that the hard way. I allowed my fear to stop me for a good 30 years and allowed me to keep getting in the same situations over and over again, that vicious cycle of because your abuse affects you so much that you end up getting back into the same situation, like with Sharda Young the recent episode she talked about continuing to date.

Speaker 1: 19:02

Her father and so many of us do those types of things, get into bad relationships because of the trauma that we had. And to be able to shake those things and to be able to not do things afraid and just be who we are, authentically. Just be who we are and not be afraid to be who we are, because who we are is okay, who we are is fine. So to not let all those other things be so weighted down on us, that that's who we are and that's how we feel that we are. So when we present ourselves in front of other people, that's what we think that we are showing to others, but they don't even see that. I mean, I've learned that over time and there are so many layers to who we are and there are so many lives that we have and I've had many, many lives.

Speaker 1: 19:51

And one of the things I want to end with, because I absolutely love that she said I've learned how important it is to be seen, believed and listened to, and I believe so much healing happens when we are believed and I pray that everybody that listens to this podcast, everybody that has a story that they want to be told or they want people to understand or maybe it had to be with an abuser, or maybe it had to do with the people in their circle that where they felt shame or blame I pray that they Can be seen and be heard and be believed, because really that's what this is all about, and I pray that it gives you healing. I also Want to just say this you know I and I don't know if my sister will ever see these probably not but every single time I do these episodes she is right there at the forefront of my mind and I just want her to know how much I love her and how much it wasn't a choice for me and as I saw her walk down those stairs into a new life that she didn't even know was going to happen and I Only knew it from my 11 year old perspective when I was told don't tell anybody that she's going to be Sent into the system and go to her aunt's house or whatever and never come back and don't tell her. You know, those are the kind of things that never go away and I Think of her every single day and I am sorry that those things happen to you. I Wish that I could have changed it. I wish I could have done something for you to help you, and I always, I Always dedicate these Episodes to you all the time, and unspoken.

Speaker 1: 22:09

There's been like one episode where I actually said it, but I really mean it, I Mean it, I Do this for you, I do this because we were told not to tell, and I do this for anybody who has something happening to them and they're. They have a secret, they have something that they're hidden deep down Inside of them and they don't want to tell. They feel that they can't tell, they're hurting, they feel alone and maybe hopeless, and I want them to know that they're not alone and there is hope and there are people out here, like me or Tina, that are listening and that we are here for you and we want to help and we believe you. We believe you, we believe your story and we're validating what you're saying. So I just want to leave it at that and I want to thank you for listening. You mean a lot to us.

Speaker 1: 23:14

One year, one year that we've been doing this and We've got, hopefully, many more years to come. Thank you for listening to my personal message and, as usual, from Tina and Anne which Tina, of course, is not here, but we're going to be doing some great recordings here soon. We've got some, a great list of topics that we're going to be covering and we love you dearly. We appreciate each and every one of our listeners on Wdjyfmcom and and you can listen to us on Sundays on that radio station and you can also catch us on any Podcast platform that you get your podcasts. So thank you again for listening and we will see you next time. So thanks for listening or watching.