Anniversaries: The Delicate Balance of Celebration and Grief Part 1

Tina and Ann get nostalgic in the complex tapestry of emotions that anniversaries weave into our lives. We unfurl the delicate threads of joy, heartache with reconciling past grievances with love and understanding. It's a journey through the winding roads of grief, where sorrow and celebration often hold hands. 

 The dialogue ventures into the realm of bittersweet realizations, recognizing the absence of loved ones in future triumphs and the heavy weight of 'unfinished business' that lingers after their departure. We also share the treasures that keep the essence of those lost, like cherished keepsakes and recorded voices, close to our hearts. Our conversation is a testament to the complex dance of memories, the solace found in the company of friends, and the solitary moments of reflection that anniversaries bring.

 Join us as we navigate this multifaceted emotional landscape together, finding unity in the shared experience of remembrance and loss.

We ask you to check out Denise Bard's new book, 30-second moments and the Women Who Raised me on Amazon. Denise is a permanent guest host on Real Talk with Tina and Ann and we are so proud of her!! 

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Ann. I am Tina and I am Ann. Before we talk about anniversaries, which is our topic today, we wanted to share something really neat. Our permanent guest co -host, denise Bard, wrote a book. It's called 30 Second Moments and you can look forward on Amazon. Denise started writing her book while filling in for me on this podcast, so 30 Second Moments is Denise's captivating tribute, where she shines a light on the unsung heroes among us and how they became beacons of hope and resilience, sharing her remarkable story of triumph over adversity. This book serves as the author's inspiring keynote speech, revealing the profound impact these simple and innocent moments had on her life.

Speaker 2: 0:52

Oh my gosh. You know I am so excited for Denise. She was inspired on our podcast to write the book and she sat down and she just did it.

Speaker 2: 1:03

I mean like a couple of days, I know, like a couple of days after it, she started sending me, like you know, just samples of her writing and she was asking me to help edit it. And it's just so funny because I mean, I was just like, are you kidding me? You just talked to me about doing this and bam, there it is. And so in a very short period of time she did it. And so see what you can do when inspiration hits. And she didn't hold back. She didn't allow the negative talk within herself or from others to stop her from doing this. So I am absolutely proud of her for what she has accomplished.

Speaker 1: 1:42

Well, I think it's amazing and I'm so glad that we were the inspiration, or at least part of it.

Speaker 2: 1:46

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 1:48

Well, let's dive into our topic today of anniversaries and all of the emotions that anniversaries can bring.

Speaker 2: 1:56

Oh my gosh, what a mix. You know, when I was thinking about what I was going to share on this episode, it was actually my adopted mom's birthday and I had such a flood of emotions. I normally don't even know what to do that day, but it is a type of it's an anniversary, it's a birthday that we always celebrated when she was alive, you know. But I started to tear up and I don't really know why, because you know, this is somebody that I did not like most of my life and I was so angry with her. But there is an underlying of care for her and I was trying to find a picture for a friend that was over this last weekend and I saw all these pictures of when I was growing up and, regardless of the lies and the deception and pain that occurred within our household, there was some good and sometimes, you know, there can be a mix of fondness for someone that we genuinely distrust or don't like and you know, all of a sudden it's just. It creates something so confusing within yourself.

Speaker 2: 3:01

An episode I did with Sharda Young prompted some serious thoughts for me that I had not really thought about before. She stated that our parents did their best, and you only know what you know and I know my mom had been through some things, as I had been, and it gave me a moment of understanding. And I want to tell you it was a moment of understanding because I instantly went back to those feelings of as you know what. The things she did were pretty unforgivable and forgiveness can be hard in some of these types of situations with such a flood of emotions, and I'm sure you are having that as well with some of the losses that you're having right now with your mom.

Speaker 1: 3:43

Yeah, I think that that is. I think you really hit the nail on the head, because it's moments and you know you hear about the cycle of grief. It's not really, you know, you don't just go through anger and then it's never there again.

Speaker 1: 4:01

You know it's one of those things that it just it comes and it goes and there are moments. So I you know my problem with my mom is that I just don't understand and it makes me so very sad. If you don't know, my very young mom has early onset Alzheimer's and it's progressed quickly. Watching someone you love suffer brings so much emotion. I feel honored and privileged that I get to help take care of my mom, but I'm also deeply sad that this has happened to her and to our family. You know, my mom isn't living. She's trapped in her own body and the longer it goes on, the more she suffers, the more both of these strong feelings interconnect, the feelings of I feel honored that I get to care for her, even though it's hard and it stinks.

Speaker 1: 4:55

I'm also sad, like deeply sad. I'll never understand why God God allows such suffering. Never. There isn't a single reason I can found them to make me feel or think oh yeah, I absolutely agree, you're right, I wouldn't change a thing, thank you. No, I don't think there is anyone who is watching someone they love continually suffer. I don't think anybody would feel that way. Not a single person who is or who has experienced this diagnosis would say that they've ever enjoyed it. I always, though, find something to be grateful for each time I see my mom and each time I get to show her love, and I do cope with it better some days and harder for others and I think that's okay, and I think it's to be expected.

Speaker 2: 5:44

Well, I think that that's part of the process. I just saw somebody yesterday on a show that I like to watch about news and her mom had just passed away and she just went through all the emotions in like a two minute segment and you know, I mean you're just going through a lot of the grief even though your mom is still alive. It's such a grieving process and you have the ups and downs and sometimes it's the happy feelings and sometimes it's the loss, horrible feelings, and it really is just a roller coaster.

Speaker 1: 6:16

It absolutely is. It's a very complicated grief.

Speaker 2: 6:21

You know, I gotta tell you, I really struggle at times too. I don't forget, and the pains and losses can at times still be so fresh. Now yours are right now. I mean it is fresh. You are still going through these very difficult times with your mom's declining health, and that would be really hard for birthdays and celebratory times with her right now, I would think.

Speaker 1: 6:49

Yeah, it's really bittersweet.

Speaker 1: 6:51

So recently it was Groundhog Day and someone asked on social media what is a day that you would want to relive?

Speaker 1: 6:59

Well, I sat and I thought about that and it brought back a flood of days birthing my children, my wedding day, things like that. Yeah, my response was any day before my mom's diagnosis. You know, when we celebrate and my mom can't open her gift or she doesn't know what it is or even cares, you know when my mom was living she was full of emotion and all the ways she was the one that made birthdays and holidays better and fun and more exciting, because she is obsessed. You know I miss that life, that fun, that sparkle. I do still feel the love that my mom has for me, sometimes like it brings me to tears because I can barely remember the life you know she had inside of her and that came out because it's so different and dark and just not my mom now. So I guess, to answer your question, yeah, it is extremely difficult because you want to try to celebrate but at the same time it doesn't feel like a celebration.

Speaker 2: 8:12

And I'm so sorry that you're going through that with your mom. Tina, I wish that you could have that day where you know, like a groundhog day with your mom and go back in time. I don't know what days I would reselebrate, but it would always have to be with you know, with my family, just my kids and just good times. So, yeah, oh, you know, what I would love is to go back to a time where my dad was still alive. I would love to get to know my dad, because I didn't get to know him because he passed away when I was 11 and I really was never able to have that kind of an adult relationship with him.

Speaker 1: 8:54

So, yeah, I think that would be a wonderful thing for you. And just something that's on my heart right now to say is you never know when sickness, illness, disease, death is going to strike. And I just want to say take more videos, because I'm struggling right now to remember what my mom was like and I beat myself up over it, but that's because the deep, dark, hard days for the last four years have like overshadowed that, because they're so hard, and I wish I would have taken more videos so that I could hear her more how she was when she was living, you know.

Speaker 2: 9:35

The other part of that is that you know, I see so many people just post things on Instagram or Facebook and then it's like a digital thing and it's like gone and it's hard to find again or because you know you lose your phone or whatever. But everything that I post on Facebook I do on purpose, because we then get the Facebook photograph book at the end of the year.

Speaker 1: 10:02

Oh, wonderful.

Speaker 2: 10:03

That's why I post everything that I do and then it like gathers all your pictures and it puts them in a book and then you get them, so it's a hard copy. Fantastic, oh, so good to know. Yeah, just for listeners to know that. So I don't know if a lot of people know that.

Speaker 2: 10:19

Anyway, you know, as I look back at my mom's birthday, I was always wanting for her to feel special.

Speaker 2: 10:27

I mean, I don't know what that was in me because there was always that wedge between us, but for some reason I always wanted her to feel happy and there were things that I could do and there were things that I could not get myself to do.

Speaker 2: 10:39

But when she turned 60, I planned this huge party with family and friends and we really celebrated her. I mean I had, like this guy, you know, you order the guy come in with balloons and everything and he danced in front of her. I mean it was so funny, but she just had a blast and she just laughed the entire time and I remember her smile and her always being loving towards others outside of our family and how much she would genuinely and she did, she would genuinely help people and she had so many friends and they were all so close to her and it always was so confusing to me because within our house, when the doors were closed, she was not a great person. So you know, it created not just the confusion but also an emotional isolation, because there was nobody outside of my walls that really understood my mom's way. I did so, but I wonder why we are so sensitive about things. Everybody, after years of somebody passing away or losses, with anniversaries, that those dates can still be as real today as they were when they happened.

Speaker 1: 11:58

Gosh, that's such a great question. I feel like maybe part of the reason is because, like you said, if you could have a day to go back, you would get to know your dad. What if some of the reasons are there were broken relationships and you wish it was different? You didn't get to know someone the way that you wished you did, before they were gone, and I really feel like, at least in part, the body really does keep the score. We remember, our bodies remember. Feelings are real and so are memories, and I think anniversaries can trigger us.

Speaker 2: 12:35

I would think the biggest reasons anniversaries of loss, which could involve anything from death to divorce, to just change with our kids growing up or we moving in a different location, or anything that can bring a mixed nostalgic feeling would be just that emotional trigger that we get. The flood of memories can be so hard.

Speaker 1: 12:58

Yes, they can. Well, I'm gonna share a story with you. Back in 2018, we had a stillborn baby boy. It was a second trimester stillbirth, and I can go back instantly to being in the doctor's office where they told me there was no heartbeat. I was shocked because I had no idea there was anything wrong. After that, it was a whirlwind 24 hours, and my mom was my first call. She and I sobbed on the phone together as I drove myself in my two-year-old son home. Then, little sidebar, that's one of the hardest things is not being able to talk to my mom and hear her comforting advice. So we thought we were having a baby, but we had an angel instead. That's what we've been saying, and that afternoon, my husband and I arrived at the hospital and I was induced to deliver our stillborn son. We named him Ocean Luke, because the ocean is our favorite place to be and the name should have meaning. So.

Speaker 1: 14:00

Lots of really truly beautiful things ended up happening that day and in the days, weeks and months ahead, and I was never angry about losing our son Sad, yes, but not angry.

Speaker 1: 14:12

When baby Ocean's first heavenly birthday came about, though, it really wrecked me, and I kind of knew that was gonna happen, because first, like first anniversaries, you know that are immutable. Just knew that to me, so we wrote notes that year on balloons and sent them up to heaven. But I think what has really taken me by surprise, though, is how much each birthday heavenly birthday after that has impacted me. That's why I say, when the body keeps the score, it remembers the trauma and the sadness and it also remembers joy. So what gets me each heavenly birthday that passes now as I you know, as our baby would have been older and like a tiny human, you know, with his personality is wondering what our baby boy would have been like. This will be year six, and that's what's on my mind each passing year is what would he look like? What would he be like? And each year, those thoughts get stronger, and I've gotta tell you that is something I never expected. My body can, literally, though, feel Each year when this is coming on. I swear to you.

Speaker 2: 15:31

You know, the one time that we talked about this on an episode, I was like you know, I I looked at it differently than I almost do now. I think maybe it's his way of still being here, it's his way of still being alive. I mean, he's very present with you still.

Speaker 1: 15:48

Yes, and you know, for me, I ended up getting a memorial tattoo and that helped me feel his connection, that he was always with me. It was I can't even explain to you the the feeling of I Need him to be a part of me, like, like permanently. I I know that might sound weird, but I had to have that tattoo, not because I thought I would forget, it wasn't that, it was just it made it. It made us together forever. That's what it did in my brain and in my heart. I, in my heart, he was always there, but in my brain I, I just I needed, I guess, that symbol. Right, you need to look at it. Yes, yep, and I do every day.

Speaker 2: 16:31

No, I get it. I totally understand that. I have my daughter's tattoo in her handwriting on me and she has my handwriting on her and it's just something I know, even though that we aren't in the same state, which is that sad, um, but we get to video each other, but it's just not the same as a hug in the flesh, you know and you know. But I do have her handwriting and I do look at it. It means a lot to me.

Speaker 2: 16:57

Oh, another part of it with my mom is that I have such a full life and when she passed, you know, my life was not the best. I was not who I am today. Granted, I don't think I ever could have gotten here with her alive, unfortunately, because I was not thriving when she was here. But there is a loss inside of me that she doesn't know any of my grandkids. You know. I mean that part of me wishes that she really did get to know the rest of the family, the generations that came after she was gone, and she is not seeing how wonderful my daughter is and all that she's doing with all of her kids and that she's raising. And she could, she would have loved them. I'm telling you. That's the thing that makes me sad, because she would have loved them. So that loss of what we are missing, on what that person in our life today is Big you know what they could be today is big. I'm sure that is huge with you right now.

Speaker 1: 18:02

Yeah, going back to my mom, we feel jipped. My mom was an amazing Grandma and loves her grandbabies. She doesn't even know our youngest son, you know he was born while she was in the beginning stage of this dreaded disease and just last week, when we were with her, she was calling him a girl and didn't know who she was. So I miss my mom every single day, even though she's still quote here. It really truly is just the hardest, longest goodbye.

Speaker 2: 18:36

You know, tina, you are really touching on something really big right now, because we're talking about unfinished business and I think when someone has passed, or if someone has distanced themselves, or if something like what's happening with your mom, you know, it gets to where it's so painful because we can't resolve or we can't have that closure that we need.

Speaker 1: 18:58

Yeah, I just simply put I miss my mom. I wish I would have taken more videos of her talking. We do have a treasured book that she recorded for our kids and it's such a treasure to me and my husband and my older boys know that. It's such a treasure that they'll read it and they know to put it right back in the spot that they have it in. Like, I'm not a big person on material things, so if you break something, you break something. But they know that that one thing means the world to me and it's something we talked about I'd like to record in case the book ever dies, you know, and we can't get the batteries or it just doesn't work anymore, because that's one of the most treasured things.

Speaker 1: 19:40

If you just hear the life in her voice, she could have had a career in recording books. So you don't know what you don't know. So I wish I would have taken, you know, more videos. It's painful to go through this and it's painful to remember what once was and yet at the same time it really can make you smile. It kind of takes you back there for a moment and in journeys of pain and loss, I think you're engrossed in trying to survive because you don't know what the next day will bring. So then that makes you feel alone a lot of the time, but I am learning that there is hope and help available.

Speaker 2: 20:20

You know, I just want to touch real quick on what you were saying about your mom's tape. I have my dad on tape and I know it is so old and it's the oldest looking cassette tape I can't even believe it still works. But we popped it in as a family into an old tape recorder and I got to hear my dad's voice and that was just recent and I still you know he's like Ho Ho Ho. Merry Christmas, ann. I hope you enjoy all the things that you got. Make sure that they don't get broken. It's a long time till next Christmas. Ho Ho Ho. I can say it exactly as he said it.

Speaker 1: 21:05

So it's just, it was so amazing to be able to hear it and I have voicemails from my mom before her diagnosis. You know, her sickness really kicked in and that's something that I, as we're talking, I need to get off of my phone and, you know, under my portable hard drive so I can have it and save it as well there.

Speaker 2: 21:25

You know I touched on how these feelings can be so isolating earlier. But it's so nice to have really great people around you, just like you. I fortunately have the best of friends and I can tell them anything and they will support me. But when I go within my own pain it still feels so isolating.

Speaker 1: 21:45

And see what you just said there the joy of the friends and then pain of still feeling isolating. You know, feeling two opposite things. And it's okay. It is so nice to have someone. You know, I love our friendship because I don't worry about oh well, what will Ann think of me if I feel this way, you know, or if I say this because we really are real, as real as we are heroes, as real as we in real life, but we're also.

Speaker 2: 22:14

we say things, but we're very respectful of each other.

Speaker 1: 22:18

Oh, yes, absolutely yeah. It's not just a free-for-all, no, no, no, because it does matter how you say things, it does. I think the hardest feeling or reality to overcome is that it does feel so isolating, like you're the only one living in the nightmare but you're really not alone, which also it's like oh, that's great, but it also makes me sad. You know, there are other, so many other people that are dealing with Alzheimer's and unfortunately I don't think I've even shared this yet with you and privately, but my grandmother, my dad's mom, now has it, and so he's caring for his mom and his wife and it's been really hard for him.

Speaker 2: 22:59

Oh, my goodness, tina, I didn't know.

Speaker 1: 23:02

Yeah, and it's been really, really hard for him, but he's doing it and you do all that you can for the ones that you love. So if I could relay my feelings and it would be what a wonderful author friend of mine said, shelley Calcadano. She said it's okay to grieve. Alzheimer's grief is complicated, multi-layered. It's valid in how I always say feel it to heal it. So talk with a professional if you need to. And it's also okay to still feel joy in other areas of your life. My kids, my family that I live with here in my home bring me such great joy most days. There is always joy, even in the dark moments or the days, and remember that you're not alone. Make sure that you're keeping yourself healthy, take care of yourself and join a support group because you still matter. So really, that's kind of a message for any other caretakers who might be listening.

Speaker 2: 24:00

Also, as time goes by with pain, people are more removed from the situation and have moved on and that isolation can become more. So try really hard to stay connected and also people who know people that have had loss or just changes in their life for them to be able to try to stay connected with them.

Speaker 1: 24:25

Yeah, I would say change is hard. Change as we are talking about it here today and in my own personal life is permanent, and I think that's what makes it so hard, and sometimes just hard, to wrap your head in hard around, knowing there's no way back and the future just is not what you'd hoped for, wanted or planned, and that just makes it plain hard.

Speaker 2: 24:51

These changes in dynamics can even be within, with your own kids as they grow up, which is so hard. I mean there are times I just want them close and I want to hold them as I did when they were young Even my oldest, you know that's just right in the core of who I am it felt like such a joyous time in our life. But the more they grow up and I mean you have different celebrations with them and you want them to succeed in their new relationships and life, but there's also, you know, this deep, painful longing as a mom that misses that time. But as you talked earlier, tina, about the loss of ocean, I mean I just can't imagine and my heart always goes to you so much when I think of this, when I think of him. You remember it every year, as you did when he was first lost.

Speaker 1: 25:43

Well, thank you so much. I know that you're never expecting that sort of news and I wasn't expecting each anniversary to get harder, but I am telling you the 100% truth my body remembers. A few days before the anniversary, I still actually feel the pain, the physical pain that my body went through, and then the feelings of sadness and almost like a zombified state, I would say, kind of takes over, and then the what would you be like thoughts come to mind.

Speaker 2: 26:15

Well, I'm totally sorry that you still go through that, Tina. I mean, that's a different kind of anniversary that I really didn't even think about before.

Speaker 1: 26:24

It is definitely interesting. I didn't expect it either. You know, I think oftentimes grief comes harder in seasons of celebrations and sometimes when you least expect it. So I'm learning to try to embrace the memories, even the ones that bring pain, because, you know, loss means deep love. Again, my author friend Shelley Calcano said make remembering part of your traditions, whether loss has already happened or you're on the longest goodbye journey now. This chokes me up Keep gathering and never stop remembering. To remember well is a gift, and those last six words in particular, I just repeat over and over in my mind I just, I want to remember well for my mom, for myself and for my family.

Speaker 2: 27:14

It's so sad, oh my gosh. I mean I love the joyous times, I love the joy and I love all sit in a room and I can just hear my kids downstairs laughing, their kid laugh, and I just it's such a mix even still, I mean I totally do enjoy it. But there's always that feeling as a mom where I'm going to miss it, and I think it could be partly because I've already done this before. These are my grandkids and I remember my older two being like that and the laughter and them growing up, and now they have their kids and which, you know, three of them are not now, but it's I don't know. Just time goes so fast, I guess.

Speaker 1: 28:00

It does, it certainly does.

Speaker 2: 28:02

So one thing that comes with certain anniversaries is feeling as if you have to do something in remembrance of that person or loss. So if we can talk particularly about death in this situation, people go to cemeteries, or they know, or I know, for my friends, mom or dad. We, you know, we drink their favorite drink, we ate their favorite foods, we went to their favorite places. And now this can be a fun thing to do, but it can be hard as well. And I try to watch one of my mom's favorite shows on her birthday or on her death anniversary, that's what you want to call it. She loved Golden Girls and Carol Burnett, and I went and actually took her to go see Carol Burnett. So I always try to make that kind of a connection when you know it's a memory that I want to remember on an anniversary. So you know, that's the thing too, is when you know someone is going and we knew my mom was failing. I knew it was going to be her last hurrah, you know. So my girls and I, we took her on a one day trip to go out to eat and shop and she just had the best time and I knew that that was the thing that we needed to do and I think about her. I think about that every anniversary.

Speaker 2: 29:21

We are going to end the episode here, but I just wanted to remind you that we will be back next week. You know, as we always say on Real Talk, we want to make a difference here and we can't thank you enough for listening. Please join us each and every week. Either you can listen to us on wdjfmcom every Sunday from 11am to 12pm or you can listen to us wherever you get your podcasts. We drop new episodes every Wednesday at 10am. You can visit us at Real Talk with Tina and Ann on Facebook, and you can also reach us on our website at RealTalk with TinaAnncom. You can leave us a message, you can get all of our episodes there and we will absolutely communicate with you. If you write us or want to leave us a voicemail, you can do that as well. Spread the word, spread the love. Remember there is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey, and we will see you next week.