Anniversaries: The Delicate Balance of Celebrations and Grief Part 2

Every year, as the calendar circles back to the day we said goodbye to a loss, we find solace in the small rituals we've created to honor memories. Today's episode is a tender exploration of how we navigate the poignant anniversaries of loss—be it a loved one's passing, a divorce, or any pivotal goodbye. Together,, we share stories close to the heart, like enveloping ourselves in the comfort of a departed mother's favorite TV shows and the emotions that surge on a final outing that becomes a cherished memory. We also discuss the diverse traditions people embrace, from savoring a favorite meal to the release of butterflies, each a testament to the enduring bond with those we've lost.

As we clutch the keepsakes that tether us to the past, we embark on a journey through the landscape of loss and the memories that accompany it. Our conversation traverses the emotional significance of these mementos and the myriad ways they can catapult us through time to relive both joyous and sorrowful moments. , We address the complexity of grief, underscoring the need for support as we face those anniversaries that inevitably return us to the age and circumstance of our heartache. This episode is an intimate look at the myriad faces of grief, the regrets and misconceptions surrounding the decline of a loved one, and the invisible pain of missing shared moments due to illness, all while maintaining a facade of normality. Join us in this heartfelt dialogue as we acknowledge the silent struggles and celebrate the memories that shape our stories of loss.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:08

Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. This is part two of Anniversary's. Tina and I have been doing a deep dive on the balance between celebration and grief during those difficult loss anniversaries. They can be anything from death, divorce, our children's growing up, a move and that empty feeling of any kind of a loss. We cover it all. We talk about how we treasure some of those dates and hold on to the memories that take us back to that moment in time.

Speaker 1: 0:34

We want to thank you so much for listening to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. We have been on wdjyfmcom out of Atlanta every Sunday at 11 am and we have more exciting news as we have been picked up by a Colorado radio market and a California TV station and, of course, we are still anywhere. You get your podcasts. You know. As we always say in Real Talk, we want to make a difference here and we can't thank you enough for listening. We drop new episodes every Wednesday at 10 am. You can visit us at Real Talk with Tina and Anne on Facebook and also on our website at realtalklatinaanncom. You can leave us a message and we will get back to you. Spread the word, spread the love. Remember there is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey.

Speaker 1: 1:19

Here is part two of anniversaries. The one thing that comes with certain anniversaries is feeling as if you have to do something in remembrance of that person, or loss, so if we can talk particularly about death in this situation. People go to cemeteries, or they know, or I know for my friends, mom or dad. We, you know, we drink their favorite drink, we ate their favorite foods, we went to their favorite places. And now this can be a fun thing to do, but it can be hard as well.

Speaker 1: 1:51

And I try to watch one of my mom's favorite shows on her birthday or on her death anniversary, that's what you want to call it. She loved Golden Girls and Carol Burnett, and I went and actually took her to go see Carol Burnett. So I always try to make that kind of a connection when you know. It's a memory that I want to remember on an anniversary. So you know, that's the thing too is when you know someone is going and we knew my mom was failing, I knew it was going to be her last hurrah, you know. So my girls and I we took her on a one day trip to go out to eat and shop and she just had the best time and I knew that that was the thing that we needed to do. And I think about her. I think about that every anniversary of her death.

Speaker 2: 2:42

Oh, I think that's a beautiful way to celebrate and I love that you choose to celebrate and not be angry at her for how she was with you. You know, I think that's absolutely incredible. We like to do something each year to honor our stillborn baby boy, whether it's making cupcakes and singing happy birthday to him, writing on balloons and sending them to heaven, or this last May we did a butterfly release to remember and celebrate baby ocean. So we like to do something each year just to remember. You know, with the butterflies it was beautiful watching the new life come about it really made me more emotional than I thought it would or just releasing beautiful butterflies. But you know, when my grandfather had passed away, one of the things that he loved sausage, and so I like to eat sausage on his birthday, and for my grandma I chocolate was her thing, so eating chocolate is something I like to do. But you know what I was thinking about.

Speaker 2: 3:50

As you know, we have been talking about anniversaries and all the emotions they bring. I honestly feel like, at least for me I'll speak for just me it's different. The anniversaries bring different emotions based on what happened to the person beforehand, if that makes any sense. So I don't have real feelings about my grandma's passing. She was older, she was 92 years old. She had great memories with her, no regrets. So I can smile and think happily about the time that we spent together. Same thing with my grandpa, but you know, with my baby there's so many well what ifs, and with mom it's definitely been torture. So I almost feel like maybe it depends on several things of when dies, how, how that came about and what emotions that evokes in you.

Speaker 1: 4:50

I think that there's a lot of variables and there's a lot of different kinds of situations and like this is the one that gets me the trauma memory that's associated with that date I can still feel it so much with. I can still remember every second leading up to finding out that my dad had passed. I mean, it all goes into complete slow motion when I'm going into that house and I know now what I was going to find out when I was 11 years old and I can still remember the day in slow motion as my eight year old sister, when I was 11, was walking down stairs to the foster care system. And I can still remember again. And like I'm saying, again in slow motion, because this, I think is the way some of those memories really do play out in our minds is that I witnessed a fatal accident and I still have trouble driving past that place. But those are the types of things that bring back flashbacks to that moment like a PTS response.

Speaker 2: 6:05

Yeah, PTSD is a real, true response, a real true issue that so many people deal with, and again it's that body keeps the score. It truly does.

Speaker 1: 6:18

Yeah, it really does. You know, holidays can do this, where we can remember the memories from our childhood and what we are doing now with our own kids. It can take me back to the Christmas as I had as a kid, as I bring out our old Christmas ornaments and see the things I made that we still put on the Christmas tree and the things that my older kids made and that my younger kids are making now, and it is such a mix of sadness and joy. We actually have these little Christmas balls with the length of the string of how tall they were at that time inside and you pull it out and you're like, oh my God, this Christmas you were this tall.

Speaker 2: 6:58

The Christmas tree is something that brings so many emotions every single year and sadly, I feel like there are so many memorial ornaments on our tree. You know both of our dogs died within the last two years and you know we have our babies ornaments. We buy him an ornament every year and we add it to the tree and it's something that we've dreamed and my mom was the first one to get this beautiful sand dollar hand-painted one. And you know, it's kind of why I waited until just yesterday to take our tree down, because I look at it and there's just so much there. You look at this ornament and it takes me to that place and time. And you look at this one and I think about this. And you know the kids weren't ready to have it taken down and I wasn't either until yesterday. It was like okay, I think it's time, or the hands come on.

Speaker 1: 7:58

It's like another door is closing, another closure on that that you don't want. There's some more finality that's like added to the loss of that person or thing. I know you're so right. There's so many things from our past that is unresolved, and that's a lot of what we're talking about here today. I think that is a lot of what grief is, and unresolved grief makes things so much harder and creates layers of pain within us.

Speaker 2: 8:30

Yeah, and I just want to say, whatever grief you may be feeling as you're listening to our podcast today, just know that it's valid. I think that's what so many people just need to hear. You know, don't stuff it. It's valid and you need to feel it in order to heal it, and I hate that. We do have grief in this world and sometimes it can be so very complicated. You know, I was trying to give an example.

Speaker 2: 8:56

It's kind of like you know you're walking down a hallway and you've got all these doors and you pick one and you picked well and you're like, oh, okay, yeah, I could stay in here, but you know you can't stay in there. You have to go to sleep, for example. Okay, so you got to go back out into the hallway and then the next day you pick another door and ooh, that was not the door that you wanted to pick, but you have to go through it for that day and then you go back out into the hallway. You know what I mean. Like that's kind of an illustration of how I feel, like my journey is, especially with my mom, is you don't know what you're gonna get, and there's just so many things that I wish I had answers to. I wish I could better understand so much. That feels unresolved and I think that's. It's a hard place to be, but I know that there is a purpose in that hallway. You know in each room that you go into.

Speaker 1: 9:55

You know, I think it brings also. It brings us face to face with our own mortality, and not so much for me but for my kids. I mean, when I go, I go and I'm okay with that, but I don't want them to experience the pains that I have had with the losses of the people that I've lost, and so it's like that protectiveness that I have over them as their mom. And you know, when we are faced with these things, we reflect on the meaning of loss and it brings questions on the purpose of life and the lasting impact of a person's absence, and it can lead to a spiritual struggle and it can also lead to being stunted emotionally.

Speaker 2: 10:40

Oh, yes, it can. I continue along my spiritual struggle journey, if I'm being honest, which is what we do here on Real Talk. So yeah, I am. There are just so many questions that I have that I don't think will ever be able to be answered, and so just trying to navigate how to get through that part of how I feel right now is difficult.

Speaker 1: 11:13

Yeah, I mean I've had some pretty hard times that have affected me in my spiritual walk, and it did. I think that there's nothing wrong with that, you know. I mean I think we all question spirituality and God and our path and I know that whenever we go through spiritual, our spiritual walk, it is ups and downs and valleys and it reminds me of Job in the Bible and how he was, you know, questioning God and why, why, why, and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that and I think that God welcomes that. I think that's part of relationship.

Speaker 2: 11:56

Yeah and I don't. I agree. I don't think there's anything wrong with questions, because you know questions means you believe in something and you know you're just trying to wrap your head around it. If you will, and yeah, I think it's okay. I mean, god knows my heart anyway, there's no use in trying to hide it.

Speaker 1: 12:16

I know one of the things that really affected me was I had been stunted emotionally with my dad's death. I was, and one of the other things was every single time that November hit, every November of my growing up and even way into my adulthood, I acted out and I didn't even know why I felt the way that. I did, kind of like what you said about feeling those pains before you know, with the pain about ocean. It's the same thing, but it was like all of a sudden I felt awful inside, I was angry, I was acting out, and it would be like halfway through the month and I would always I'd be like, oh my gosh, of course it's November. Now I understand why I'm acting this way. So there is not a time that I don't think of my dad's death on Thanksgiving, because you know that I was watching the parade when my family was planning their funeral, his funeral. So you know, crazy how things just don't leave us.

Speaker 2: 13:20

Yeah, it is again. You're giving us so many examples of the body keeping the score. It just it knows.

Speaker 1: 13:29

It goes back. Have you ever seen how people have celebrated loss with an empty chair? I mean, you know that feeling of really feeling someone's absence, that empty chair in the living room where someone sat, or that empty closet, or even our empty kids room as they move on in life. You know, as a journalist, I was invited to a luncheon for families and I was invited to it was a luncheon for some people who were killed by drunk drivers, oh, and when you walked in, their families were there and by each of the families was an empty chair with the picture of the person who had passed away. And you want to talk about a visual, and I had never really felt something like that before, but that was such an interesting way to honor their loss.

Speaker 2: 14:21

That is definitely a visual. I don't know if that would be the way I would want to do it, but I definitely see for a crowd that being quite a moving way to show loss and love. I mean that's deeply touching but it's like so hard, oh you know, so hard.

Speaker 1: 14:44

It was even for me as a journalist there. I mean it was very difficult. You know, when my mom passed on the palliative floor we had been invited back for the celebration of life for all those who had passed away that year on that floor and we got this little figurine that I still have sitting out representing my mom. And it is interesting how important those types of things become, those little tangible things, like you said about the tape with your mom. I still have items from people in my life that every time I pick them up it just takes me right back. I travel through time to their birthdays and the holidays that I've had with these people and I go from happy to sad and you know I take that emotional roller coaster ride as I remember it all I'm so glad I'm not the only one who journeys that way.

Speaker 2: 15:37

I have kind of a basket of keepsake things from hard times, good times, whatever it may be, and there are things, you know, even jewelry, that people have gotten me that I can't even bring myself to wear or use because it's so special to me, and I go back to why they gave it to me, when they gave it to me and all down that roller coaster of emotion like you talked about, and their treasures for sure. But some of them are just hard, you know, to look at and kind of go down that journey.

Speaker 1: 16:13

Yeah, one of the stories that I tell about my dad is you know, when I was three years old, he would always I would sit next to him and he would drink his beer when he got home and I had a little shot glass that he would pour the tiniest bit of beer in for me to share with him. And it was our moment. It was like a sip, but I mean it was our moment that we had every day. I kept that shot glass for a really long time and actually I still have it, but now it's in pieces because somebody picked it up and it smashed all over the floor.

Speaker 1: 16:56

Oh no, I know, can you? Those moments, those little drinkets that you just don't realize how much they represent.

Speaker 2: 17:07

Absolutely, and you know, I know that because of the book that my mom recorded.

Speaker 1: 17:11

Yes, we all revisit these types of things and they are really hard and it just takes us if there's the joys of life or we can remember the pains associated with it. For me it depends on the person, like we kind of talked about earlier, or the type of loss. Like the loss of my parents is very hard for me to revisit, for different reasons. They were very different people and I can tell you I remember them as the age I was when it happened. I remember my dad's death as if I'm still that 11-year-old, and I remember my mom's death with my daughters at my side as an adult. So those innerversaries take us back to that moment, the moment that we were the age that we were at the place, that we were in our life, and I remember the places I stood and the smells, the people who were there for me and who were not. I remember the funeral homes as I walked in and where I sat and who I interacted with.

Speaker 2: 18:12

I yes, yes, yes. And that goes back to the emotional, I think, stunting that you had talked about, maybe earlier in the episode. It's so true. You go right back to where you were, whatever age, whatever season, whatever day. Absolutely I do not like the smell of flowers because I've been to too many funerals. So anyone who knows me well knows I don't like flowers. Now, the wild flowers aren't so bad, you know, if you, I like the looks of them, but the smells of them just remind me of funeral homes. I don't like it at all.

Speaker 1: 18:48

Yeah, there is a certain smell of flowery, there is a certain flower smell for funeral homes, and when I get that, oh yeah, it takes me right there. By the time I was had graduated, most of my family had passed away, all the older adults had been had passed away and I had been to more funerals. So, yeah, I really am not a fan of smelling flowers either. I understand what you're saying, you know, but it's important to remember that everyone experiences grief differently.

Speaker 2: 19:32

Yes, so important, and anniversaries can evoke really unique emotions for each person and some polar opposites within the same conversation, maybe even different days. So make sure that you're getting support from friends, family or professionals to help during those really difficult times surrounding anniversaries of loss, especially.

Speaker 1: 19:53

You know, I think those times really bring up in me the things that are not done, like we talked about earlier. But I think that that's what I take out of what's hard. The hardest for me. But you know, it's that lack of closure and I think that feeling of loss mostly comes from things not done.

Speaker 2: 20:11

I think that's a really great thought. It's something I'm thinking about too. I think that's maybe what makes some of my losses easier than others. Yeah, whether it was unfinished or not, I think you're spot on.

Speaker 1: 20:27

Well, you know they and I don't know if this has to completely do with this, but I know they say that you regret the things you didn't do, but not the things that you did do. Oftentimes, and I think, as I look back on the things that I grieve about with people, it's the things I was not able to do with them or the things that they have missed out on.

Speaker 2: 20:49

I think that's what makes me angry with my mom is, you know, sometimes people have said well, at least and I really hate this, to be honest at least you know it's coming and so you can plan accordingly. It's like there really is no planning with this disease, Really truly, because you don't know what you're going to get day by day and there are things that mom just cannot do. But you would look at her and you wouldn't know per se that she has this disease. You know she doesn't maybe look like she has this disease. You know that's your miss, but I, you know, when people say, well, you can plan for it, I think you know that bothers me because they don't get it, and I do then think about all the things that mom will miss out on and has missed out on and that we didn't get to do. And that is hard, and I think that's where a lot of my anger comes from.

Speaker 1: 21:47

Yeah, you know, every episode we try to end with a quote, and I've tried to think of one, or to look for one, and I really wasn't able to find one. That just hit me, so I just wrote this down. Thank God we have the memories, even if they are painful. I do not like to revisit the memory of loss, but I do like to revisit the happy times in that moment in time, even if it brings pain with it. Well, I think that's beautiful.

Speaker 2: 22:15

One of the quotes that has really stood out to me over the last couple of weeks is singer or songwriter J Cole. When J Cole said it always rains hardest on people who deserve the sun, I felt that Wow and I do my mama.

Speaker 1: 22:34

Yeah, yeah, I think that there is truth to that. It's what it is is it's harder to accept when that happens, right?

Speaker 2: 22:47

Exactly, exactly. So that's what I was going to leave you with for this episode.

Speaker 1: 22:54

Well, thank you so much for listening. I know that this has been difficult episode. I mean, sometimes we talk about some difficult things on real talk with Tina and Ann and we try to talk about things that maybe others are not talking about. But thank you for joining us with this episode and you know we're walking this journey with you and I hope that it helped somebody out there.

Speaker 2: 23:18

Me too. I hope it helps you. Any listener, one listener more. That's what we're here for.

Speaker 1: 23:24

I would like to add something that I had read in the Body Keeps the Score workbook, which I'd found a couple of them and I know that Tina and I often refer to the book the Body Keeps the Score and one of the things that it says is that trauma victims tend to get stuck in their past and lose their ability to imagine. I stopped when I read that. I stopped, I mean I thought that there was going to be more to the sentence. You know, like trauma victims tend to get stuck in their past and lose their ability to imagine their future, to imagine getting out of the pain, to imagine whatever you want to finish that sentence with, but it ends with they lose their ability to imagine, imagine. That really stopped me in my tracks for a couple of minutes, but it does go on with. The failure to imagine means no dreams to pursue, no motivation for a better life and no chance of enriching relationships with people who matter to them. And you know, when I was stopped in my tracks with my dad's death when I was 11, man, I got to tell you what I think that that is true. I lost my ability to imagine getting past that moment, becoming one of the best swimmers where I was at that time my hopes, my dreams, establishing a life past the pain that I was in. I couldn't imagine getting past that and I stayed there for decades, decades, and every single anniversary like restuck me. It kept me where I was for another year till the next anniversary, wherever the pain lies. But for me it was. Success, was the anniversary. Something that reminded me of my dad was the anniversary, like if I got to the point where I was going to do really well, like I was in swimming at the time that he died. It was like nope, I can't get myself on the other side of this. No matter what, and I don't know why I stayed in the pain for that many years. I didn't appear as if I was in pain. I would laugh, I had fun, I participated in things, I did my day, but I was just going through the motions all those years and I wasn't really present. I was still back where the pain occurred and I kept so many other things out. I really didn't let things end. I kept everything at a distance.

Speaker 1: 26:29

It also says in the book that trauma alters our ability to think. It causes severe damage that can only be reversed when the body acknowledges that the danger is no longer there. Only then can a traumatized person live in the present. And that's so interesting because, I mean, I've had many traumas, but in this particular instance we're talking about anniversaries of loss. So here I'm talking about how, for some reason, I just kept reliving it. It can only be reversed when the body acknowledges that the danger is no longer there. And I guess I must have felt that the danger was always there. Well, of course my dad wasn't, and so I mean, that was one thing, but I also lived my life after that always feeling like I was going to lose the next person.

Speaker 1: 27:18

Now, I did lose a lot of people in my life before I was 18, like I said, but I guess I was always waiting for the shoe to drop, where the next pain to happen, the next problem to happen, the next trauma to happen, and so I didn't allow myself to live. Wherever there was joy, I doubted it, I didn't trust it. I also avoided the anniversaries, like I did not celebrate my dad or talk about my dad for probably 30 years after he died at least, would never mention him, and the way that I always referred to him was when I was 11. That's how I talked about my dad. I would not say the word dad, I would not let anybody talk to me about my dad, I wouldn't ever talk about him, and actually until after my mom my adopted mom passed away, so we never had a conversation about him when I was a kid or an adult. So I avoided the anniversaries, which could be a celebration. Every day felt like it was a painful anniversary and I would relive it over and over again.

Speaker 1: 28:25

But the thing I am most grateful for is that somewhere along the line and I wish that I had the formula for how in the world I stopped being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I stopped being in the moment of my pain. When my dad died, I started saying it, I started living, I started wanting again, I started imagining again that there could be hope for my future. I mean, there could be hope for my future without the pain of the losses and the celebrations of the anniversaries, without a pain that was so severe that I could not revisit. I was finally able to with joyful memories of my dad, with joyful memories of even my adopted mom, even though it was very difficult for me to have a relationship with her when she was alive. I still tried and we had a lot of really great memories and it's trying to remember those celebratory times that were good and not just remember the pain. Well, I just thought that I would share those last couple what we call my son and I. Whenever we have something really cool, we call them nuggets. So I just wanted to share that with you.

Speaker 1: 29:48

And you know, like Tina and I always say thank you so much for listening, because you really really do mean a lot to us. You know, as we say on real talk with Tina and Ann, we want to make a difference here. Please join us each and every week. Either you can listen to us on wdjyfmcom every Sunday from 11 am to 12 pm, or you can listen to us wherever you get your podcasts. We drop new episodes every Wednesday at 10 am. You can visit us at real talk with Tina and Ann on Facebook and also on our website at realtalkwithtinaanncom. You can leave us a message and we will get back to you. Spread the word, spread the love. Remember there is purpose in the pain and hope in the journey, and we love you.

Speaker 2: 30:35

Thanks for listening to our journey and we'll catch you next week.