What if we have a blemish in our life? What if we have done something that we feel is so horrific that we allow other's to treat us badly? What if we feel that we do not deserve good?
What if you flip that and realize that even if your parents and their parents had a lifetime of bad choices, that you look in the mirror and say, "I am the one who my bloodline has been waiting for?! (quote by Jacob Brown)
What if you do not love yourself enough? What if you can't forgive yourself to receive good?
What if you ponder the question, everyone is here for a purpose? Do you think God loves you more or less depending on your behaviors?
What if everyone is getting a miracle, but you. Do you think you can look inward and give yourself permission to realize that YOU might just be the miracle? (Quote by Beth Moore)
This episode surrounds the topic of worth and the realization of having allowed people to treat us badly for years. Why do we stop short of demanding respect from even the people we love? Why do we stay with people who do not treat us with the worth that we deserve?
Should we allow our wrongdoings to dictate how we feel about our own worth? Because we have done something wrong in our past, do we deserve what is 'coming to us?'
There is a woman in. Luke 7, in the Bible that was known as a sinner. She was crying at Jesus' feet and He accepted her where she was while the church leaders talked about her sins. What if she would have heard them and thought, 'they are right. I am not worth anything. I deserve to not be loved. I deserve to not have any worth. I have done bad things.'
How do we turn that guilt that lives within ourselves around and allow love, kindness, and respect, in; no matter the guilt that overshadows us.
We wrap up with an uplifting look at how affirming our self-love can be a game-changer to squelch inner and outward negativity.
What if we have a blemish in our life? What if we have done something that we feel is so horrific that we allow other's to treat us badly? What if we feel that we do not deserve good?
What if you flip that and realize that even if your parents and their parents had a lifetime of bad choices, that you look in the mirror and say, "I am the one who my bloodline has been waiting for?! (quote by Jacob Brown)
What if you do not love yourself enough? What if you can't forgive yourself to receive good?
What if you ponder the question, everyone is here for a purpose? Do you think God loves you more or less depending on your behaviors?
What if everyone is getting a miracle, but you. Do you think you can look inward and give yourself permission to realize that YOU might just be the miracle? (Quote by Beth Moore)
This episode surrounds the topic of worth and the realization of having allowed people to treat us badly for years. Why do we stop short of demanding respect from even the people we love? Why do we stay with people who do not treat us with the worth that we deserve?
Should we allow our wrongdoings to dictate how we feel about our own worth? Because we have done something wrong in our past, do we deserve what is 'coming to us?'
There is a woman in. Luke 7, in the Bible that was known as a sinner. She was crying at Jesus' feet and He accepted her where she was while the church leaders talked about her sins. What if she would have heard them and thought, 'they are right. I am not worth anything. I deserve to not be loved. I deserve to not have any worth. I have done bad things.'
How do we turn that guilt that lives within ourselves around and allow love, kindness, and respect, in; no matter the guilt that overshadows us.
We wrap up with an uplifting look at how affirming our self-love can be a game-changer to squelch inner and outward negativity.
You know, tina, I spent a great deal of my life including now allowing people to treat me bad. I mean, what the heck? I heard something recently that gave me a little insight and some empowerment. Drew Barrymore had Valerie Bertinelli on her show and they were talking about this very thing, and Drew said that she thought she deserved for people to treat her badly because of the things that she had done in her life. And she finally realized, when she admitted that she had done things wrong to herself and to others, that she was finally able to say you are wrong for treating me that way. So, you know, tina, have you ever felt that you deserve to be treated badly for things that you have done?
Speaker 2:
I remember feeling this way a bit as a young girl, and probably sometimes as a teenager. I think now, though, with so much counseling and understanding my own worth and value, I don't feel that way anymore. Value, I don't feel that way anymore, except for the occasional karma that I kind of think, not trying to make light of this, but kind of think maybe we all do deserve it. Sometimes I can't even think of a quitted example off the top of my head, but in just I mean that more of a tongue-in-cheek sort of way.
Speaker 2:
But going back to the deeper topic, I can remember feeling like I must have deserved this, but more often than because I did something, I would think because I didn't do something, or that I just plain deserved it but didn't understand why.
Speaker 1:
Okay, that's interesting. I have literally said to myself many times, even in a day I mean I can't tell you how many times I say this that well, I deserved it. And I'm not sure where that comes from, except that I have worn the guilt I think of wrong that I have done in my life and just felt strongly that I didn't deserve any good.
Speaker 2:
Well, I now am realizing and believe in the power of your mind, the power of self-talk, in other words, what you think you deserve, or you think you can, or you can't do something. You're probably right.
Speaker 1:
I mean, I say this all the time when I was a swim coach, this is the kind of stuff that I would coach, I would teach. I have someone in my life that does not treat me well at all. I have someone in my life that does not treat me well at all and they are still very much a part of my life and for some reason I cannot tell them and I just still allow it.
Speaker 2:
So I'm not sure if you're asking my opinion, but I was going to insert it here Seems like a good place. I mean, you know, I'm sure that there are so many people that do this. I would think so too, and, you know, sometimes there may be valid reasons for allowing what you just talked about, if you will. Sometimes, I think, people stay married, for example, because maybe they need benefits or things like that.
Speaker 2:
I think it's still possible, though, to set boundaries, even in the circumstances you're talking about. You know, I think just like Drew Barrymore said in the example that you gave just in the beginning of the show, is that you don't have to, you know, you don't have to take being treated a certain way. I do think that the overwhelming majority of us do deserve to be treated well, just like humans. You know, it's the whole doing to others as you would want done to you, and I think that there's got to be a way, if there's a relationship that you have to keep, to be able to set those boundaries and not let someone walk on you like a welcome mat.
Speaker 1:
You know, a doormat walk on you like a welcome mat. You know a doormat. Yeah, there is still a part of me as well that when someone says something really mean to me, I do the opposite of what I should do I shut down instead of stand up for myself and say you know, I deserve better. I don't know why I do that. I think I do know why I do that, but you are much better at this than I am.
Speaker 2:
Well, I don't know if that means people said a lot of mean things to me or people I love, or if it means that I'm. I don't know what it means, but let me let it go.
Speaker 1:
You demand respect. I've seen you. If you feel like you're not being treated right, I mean you will speak up for yourself.
Speaker 2:
I'm so happy to hear you say that and I gotta share a funny story. So we had our first baseball tournament over the weekend it ties right into this and we have a new player on the baseball team and I've never actually talked to his dad before, just we've seen each other, you know, at a couple of games prior to this. So we are at the tournament game over the weekend and one of the other dads who I know really well was talking about a time where he's very loud. This dad is very, very loud and not in a negative sort of way most of the time, but he's very loud so he can be heard from anywhere. Okay, so at one or two or maybe three of the games last season his voice got himself into a little bit of trouble with the umpires. You know, it's not that he said anything inappropriate, he's not like that, it was just he's loud and so his voice can be heard, and so he was reprimanded a couple of times. So he mentions almost getting kicked out of the game last year and I mentioned a time where, the year prior to that, I may have opened my mouth during a game against one of the umps Not the umps, it was a first base coach who was making blatant calls for the other team and nobody wanted to say anything and it just came out of my mouth. I just said we all see what you're doing. That's all I said. And he tried to kick me out of the game, and so, as my friend at this tournament was saying, telling this new dad about that, I piped up and said yeah, I almost got kicked out of an 8U game. And this new dad turns to me and he goes yeah, I could see that and I was like what I said? What do you mean? But he said the way that he said it. You said it better. But he said you just have an aura about you that says don't mess with me. And I'm like, yeah, pretty accurate, I'll give you the shirt off my back. I'll do anything for you. I'm as sweet as can be. You cross me, though, and you better look out, just like you're saying. I feel like it's what you're saying.
Speaker 2:
I demand respect. I know my worth and my value and I'm not going to be treated crummy. I truly believe there's so much good in people, so it stuns me when people are really rude or they say something nasty. I will pick and choose what I want to say when I want to say it. Like the lady at the concession stand this weekend. She was not very nice. I was like you know what. It's just not worth my energy. You know, you only have a certain amount of energy every day.
Speaker 2:
So my mom was always very strong and would stand up for those who needed it and gave them a voice. She was fearless and I think that's where I get it from. And you know, I admit it, sometimes when rudeness or meanness catches me off guard, I don't always have something to say because I'm not always. I'm not a defensive person, so I don't always have a comeback, but I do believe in accountability for myself and for others, and you can bet your bottom dollar that we'll be. We'll be chatting about it face to face. I don't go behind the back. You will get the real deal with me and we we will. We will talk it out and I'm I'm not afraid to stand up to anybody or anything. What's interesting?
Speaker 1:
is that you know there's certain things that I am absolutely 100% and I can, and the words just flow out, you know, and it's when it's about my kids, it's when I'm on the phone and they've charged me too much for something, or you know, you know some phone company or whatever and I am really good Like sometimes I'm like, ooh, I could be a lawyer, I could be like you know, my grandpa always told me I would make a fantastic lawyer or paralegal even.
Speaker 1:
When it comes for fighting for somebody else, I'm amazing at it. But then when it comes to you know the closer it comes within that bullseye. You know the outer and then you get closer and then somebody really close to me. For some reason I have a much harder time being able to speak up for myself, except for when it comes to my kids, and I think it's because you know they're outside of me and they're so vulnerable or innocent. And I think it's because you know they're outside of me and I they're so vulnerable or innocent and I want to fight for them.
Speaker 2:
You know that mama bear thing, but you also think that some of it is for me. I want to, I try to teach my kids the pick and choose your battles thing. Like my middle son has a very big personality, like I do and very big emotions on. You know there's no in between with us. We're either all in or we're all out, and so when we're all in, you know that can pose some issues. Because we are all in, we feel it to the depths of our soul and I mean that. So sometimes I think that I might hold back on a reaction because I want to teach my kids we can't fight everything. No one's perfect and people aren't always going to like you, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:
That's really okay.
Speaker 2:
If you did something wrong to cause that, you apologize. That's really all you can do. Try to make it better. And if you didn't, people are going to just not. You apologize. That's really all you can do. Try to make it better. And if you didn't, you know people are going to just not like you because some people don't. They could be jealous, they could just have no reason.
Speaker 2:
You know, people are weird, you know, and so sometimes I think you know, I guess I'm wondering for you. Do you maybe not say anything? Because I always try to think of this too Is this going to impact me a year from now? Am I going to remember this a year from now? And sometimes I have to think, if this is not going to impact me in the long run, then it might not be worth my time and energy and effort now. So I don't know, it was just a thought I had as you were talking about. That was maybe you don't say anything right off the bat because it's not someone who you'll either see again or that's just not as important, you know, in your life. Or you know, maybe you're just taking it just rolls off your back and you're like I don't, you just don't let it sink in, because you know you shouldn't. I don't know.
Speaker 1:
Well, when it comes to people that I do see often and they hurt me, I that's when I don't say anything, I don't. I wish that I was able to speak up for myself more. I am, though, with other people, able to, you know, draw the lines in the sand, put up the boundaries, be able to say, uh something and distance myself. You know, I that's really distancing myself is saying something. Sometimes, not saying something is saying something. So, yeah, I mean, that's where I handle those kind of situations. But if somebody really close to me and I think that it stems from way, way, way back when the people in my own home were the ones that were treating me bad, so you know, and I wasn't able to speak up, so somehow being able to find that voice, I think, is really important.
Speaker 2:
I think so too. I may have shared this before. One of my counselors had once me out of sight, out of mind, helps me heal, helps me to heal on my own terms, on my own time, and then when I'm healed, then I can start to see those people again either, whether it be on social media, face to face, you know. Then it's like I can cut a hole out of the wall and make it a window, but for me it takes some time Sometimes. I need the space and I need to completely detach myself from the person or the situation so that I can heal at the pace I need to go, if that makes sense. It does.
Speaker 1:
Well, this is something that I'm not really proud of myself for, you know, I mean I've grown in so many ways and I need to grow more in this.
Speaker 1:
I recently read something on a study on Rahab from the Bible. Now I wrote an entire book called Sinful Woman, which, if anybody wants it, it's on Amazon. Which, if anybody wants it, it's on Amazon. And the entire book is about a woman in Luke 7 in the Bible who was kneeling at Jesus's feet in complete love for who he was just emptying herself, surrendering herself before him, and he was allowing her to do all of that. While that's happening, the church leaders were judging her for her actions and saying all kinds of things about her. So what? I was wondering when I was reading that study about Rahab. It took me back to the book that I wrote on a sinful woman, to the book that I wrote on a sinful woman, and it made me think you know what, if she heard them while she was doing that and thought to herself they're right, I don't deserve his love, I don't deserve love or any good at all.
Speaker 2:
I do wonder how that would have changed the scenario. Which is why I think in our heads sometimes when we tell ourselves that we start to believe that we don't going right back to the beginning of what we said. But at the same time I would say you know the church that I grew up in I guess didn't grow up in, but as an adult went to and many churches and songs and went to in many churches and songs and you know christian stations say all the time we're not worthy of jesus love, and so that's always been very conflicting for me. So if we're not worthy, then why does he, like I, still to this day have that disconnect of I? Yes, I get it, I hear you say that I'm not worthy of his love. So that's why I don't understand. Then why does he quote still love me, and I don't even feel that.
Speaker 2:
So that's a tough one for me to answer, because I'm in a situation right now in real life, real life where there's still this huge disconnect because I get I'm not worthy even though I didn't kill anybody. Disconnect Because I get I'm not worthy even though I didn't kill anybody, I've not done anything horrific in my life. So to me I feel like, okay, I get that I'm a sinner because I'm not perfect. I know that. But I also don't think I'm horrible and undeserving. But yet I've been told for decades that I am, and so I don't know.
Speaker 1:
Well, if I go as far to say this, I don't know, maybe is it, maybe some, though that that's all how they felt, but I do believe that that's not how God felt and I don't think, coming from somebody who worked in the jail ministry, and I guarantee that if the jails opened up, a lot of the churches would not know what to do if they got flooded. And because there is nothing like a chapel service in the jails and I often said I would love to have actually been that. Have that been my church, you know, because they are fun, they're down to earth, they got nothing to lose, most of them, and they are just all about it and so fun. And so I can remember this.
Speaker 1:
One particular time and we taught this I asked a question. One of the women stood up. She told this whole entire story in the Bible, and another one from the very back, this other woman in the back, she just you heard this woman just go, Ooh, did you see the movie or what? And I just loved it. I mean they were so fun and they would just tell you you know, churches have so the people. When you go to church we always call it the parking lot wave. You know you get to church. Everybody's fighting, everybody's, you know, until you get and you're like right, right, right, yeah, you know everything is great, it's wonderful, you know, and that's how you answer, and it's almost like you're afraid to let everybody know the real you. And that's how in a jailed church service, everybody just tells you everything, that's up.
Speaker 2:
It sounds beautiful, it sounds real and right along with what we talk about here.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, well, back to Rahab. She was known as a prostitute and the Israelites were looking for new land. They had sent spies ahead and Rahab hid them and helped them escape, and she lied to the king of Jericho that she didn't know where they went. The point is that she was used by God. She was looked at as worthy. It doesn't matter what we've done. God does not look at us and say we deserve something bad, or something bad said to us. So why do we think, because we've done this, this or this, that we deserve to be treated badly? Or at least sometimes I?
Speaker 2:
have felt that way. I don't have the answer. I think it's just based on each individual's maybe upbringing voices that they heard growing up or continue to hear throughout their life. I think you know there's power in the spoken word, and so maybe to combat what your mind is telling you, you have to actually say the opposite out loud, and for me that's really hard because it feels very strange.
Speaker 1:
Saying the opposite out loud.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, and that's really hard because it feels very strange Saying the opposite out loud. Yeah, and I'm up in my head a lot. I can tell you I am never bored. There is always something going on up there, and so to actually speak it out loud to me to say you're worthy or to go through whatever it is that you're wanting, to kind of get the point across, it's counterintuitive to me. But I've done a little bit of research that it actually is powerful, the spoken word, because you start to believe what you're saying and what you're hearing and there's some power in that. But I do think that we are all here for a purpose and there's plenty of space in this world for all of us to be happy and I do think that we can be used for very wonderful, huge, great big things.
Speaker 1:
You know, we've talked about generational trauma on this podcast. In fact, just in our last episode, rahab was actually part of Jesus's family tree, right, and I found that interesting, and so was David. I mean, if you know about David, he had someone killed so he could have the man's wife, and it said that David was a man after God's own heart that we are not proud of but still be a good person, where God can say that we are His and we can do many things wrong and he can still love us and will always love us. And I'm guessing that there is a part of me that does not love myself and that's where I think that I'm figuring this out is that there has to be a part of me that doesn't love myself for me to allow people to treat me negatively and that them make me feel less than and not do anything about it. I think that's possible.
Speaker 2:
I think it's also possible to go in and out of, like we talked about before, being triggered by past trauma. I feel like you can be healed but you can still feel a trigger, you know, and move past it quicker and get through it. But maybe that just triggers a shutdown in you. I don't know. But I know what it feels like to just feel that disconnect and I know that you know God says we're his and you know we make mistakes and I think maybe just the bigger thing is to say that you know I forgive me and move on and say like that, I love me too.
Speaker 2:
So one of the things I love that my three-year-old does and he does this all on his own. Every couple of days he'll run through a list of I love mommy, I love daddy, and he'll say he loves his brothers. He'll say he loves his friends and he always includes and I love myself. And it's actually one of my favorite things that he says Nobody taught him that. He's done it just in recent months. He includes himself and I make sure to point out I love that you include yourself, buddy, because you absolutely should love yourself. And he just smiles real big and he goes I do, I love myself, and then he goes back through and I love mommy and daddy, and he's three, and so I think that I don't know, I think that upbringing can be a problem or not. You know, in certain people's instances and I just I'm really going back to the whole, saying it out loud power of your mind, the, you know, negative self-talk or positive self-talk. I mean, look at this, he's three years old and he loves himself and I love that.
Speaker 1:
You know, I've tried to get my daughter to do positive affirmations and say things about herself positively. She just says I can't do it. So I mean, I think if you are not at the point where you can say those things to yourself, even if you fake it, right, right and you know you might not believe it yet, but you might allow people to treat you worse because you can't even believe that for yourself.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, and you know, maybe sometimes I've done this with one of my boys. I've just held hands with them and said, repeat after me. And you know, maybe, maybe, sometimes I've done this with one of my boys. I've just held hands with them and said, repeat after me, and he will. And I've done it with each of my two older boys on numerous occasions and you can tell when they start believing it, because you can feel, you know, the change in the voice or it gets louder.
Speaker 2:
And I believe in myself. You know versus okay, I believe in myself, I believe in myself, I believe in myself, I believe in myself. You see all the differences. I love when we get to the point where you actually feel like they believe it.
Speaker 1:
That is so cool, yeah, because that's how you want them to be sent into the world.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, yeah, I want them to be way more confident than I ever was. It doesn't mean cocky. There's a big difference. I want them to be confident and I want them to be okay with people not liking them, because that is the reality of the world that we live in. We shouldn't be people pleasers. I'm not saying you go out and make things miserable. I'm just saying that there's only so much that you can do. And, yes, you should give it your best. You should do your best and all of those things. But at the end of the day, world changers aren't pleasing everybody. They're just not. They're trying to make the world a better place, and sometimes that means you have to be the lone one standing, you know, or you have to feel confident in whatever your decision is, even if it feels like it's the minority.
Speaker 1:
I really like that. Wow, that was good.
Speaker 2:
World changers.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, I really like that. Now, this is kind of funny, but this is an example of not being treated the way I should be at certain times in my life. Well, my husband at one point you know we've had a really rocky relationship, not the ideal marriage and yeah, he took my two older kids for Mother's Day, took them to Dollar General, came back and in the bags still in the Dollar General bags hands them to me and says here's your Mother's Day present and it was cleaning supplies. And I mean, for one thing, I thought that that treated my, I thought that taught my kids something really awful too. You know, I mean they wanted to get me something and that's what he wanted to get me. And, by the way, it wasn't because my house was messy or something, it was just, I mean, that's just who he was. So what do you and what do you think gets us to the point where we can say to others from our depths no, that's not acceptable, you take that back and you get something else. You treat me better. I deserve better.
Speaker 2:
Maybe it just comes. I think tolerance is different for everybody, so perhaps you've just you've met your threshold and you finally decide. You know what. This isn't setting a good example to the people, the little people in my life who are looking at this, and I've taken it one too many times. It is time for me to stand up for myself, because I do deserve better, and you will treat me with respect because I am your wife, or I am your mother, or I am your, whatever it would be, and I don't even know if you have to say why, but I guess maybe it would be better you give examples.
Speaker 2:
Look on this day, this is what happened and this is how it made me feel. And then this is what happened and this is how it made me feel. And then this is what happened and this is how it made me feel. And these young kids are watching this. Don't you want to be a better example from here on out? If you want to see me or them, or whatever it may be, this is how it's going to go, or you don't get to see us.
Speaker 1:
It reminds me of the women in the battered women's shelter that would show up at our doorstep after years and years of being treated so badly and finally finding it within themselves to say you know what? I've had it. I am leaving and I'm going to take my kids and we're going to start a new life. It can be scary and it can be scary. I mean, what I'm explaining wasn't even close to what those women went through to get to that point where they but it's just demanding that you and your kids deserve a better life.
Speaker 2:
You know, I do think it all goes back to the threshold. I've watched several shows that talked about that. I can't think of the names of them, but people who were in abusive relationships or there was some love triangle or whatever it may be. And you ask them well, what was the final straw for them? And they just said you get to a point where you've just absolutely had enough. Something just clicks inside of you and you're like no, it's not going to be this way anymore, I don't deserve it. You work up the courage and then you get out of the situation and I think that threshold is different for everybody.
Speaker 1:
We are stopping the episode right there. You can catch part two next week. You can join us each week anywhere you get your podcasts. You can listen to us every Sunday morning at 11 am on wdjyfmcom out of Atlanta and online. You can also listen to us every Sunday morning at 11 am on WDJYFMcom out of Atlanta and online. You can also listen to us on Denver's radio station 92.9 and 89.3. You can listen online at DenverOpenMediaorg and you can watch us on San Francisco's Pacifica Community Television on Comcast, channel 26 and 27, and online at Pacific Coast TV, channel 26 and 27, and online at Pacific Coast TV. You can reach us on Facebook at Real Talk with Tina and Ann, and you can go catch all of our episodes or message us at realtalktinaanncom. You can catch our monthly newsletters and get special messages. Thank you so much for listening. Don't worry, it's only May 1st. The budget Part two will be next week.
