This episode is part, inspired by an amazing podcast by Jeff Lewis with Dr. Donna Dannenfelser. Dr. Donna was a counselor to the NY Jets who knew nothing about football. She knew it was going to happen, and she made it happen. If we do not want to derail, we have to be the conductor of our own train.
Listen as Tina and Ann discuss each car and how they feel about the purpose each car has in our lives as they help create a very detailed visual.
Do you want to live in the caboose looking at your past, the baggage car where you can decide what baggage you would like to leave behind ortake with you? Who do you want to be on this journey with you?
If you missed part 1. you can reach the entire episode here Directing your life: When your story ends, did your script and cast meet your expectations? (realtalktinaann.com). It is a must listen. You can also watch the complete episode by clicking the above link.
Catch all of our episodes on Real Talk with Tina and Ann (realtalktinaann.com)
You can also catch us on facebook. Realk Talk with Tina and Ann. Please join our page and jump on this journey we call life, with us.
You can listen to us on WDJYFM.com every Sunday morning from 11am-12pm. You can catch us in Colorado and in San Fransico TV.
You can listen to us anywhere you get your podcasts.
This episode is part, inspired by an amazing podcast by Jeff Lewis with Dr. Donna Dannenfelser. Dr. Donna was a counselor to the NY Jets who knew nothing about football. She knew it was going to happen, and she made it happen. If we do not want to derail, we have to be the conductor of our own train.
Listen as Tina and Ann discuss each car and how they feel about the purpose each car has in our lives as they help create a very detailed visual.
Do you want to live in the caboose looking at your past, the baggage car where you can decide what baggage you would like to leave behind ortake with you? Who do you want to be on this journey with you?
If you missed part 1. you can reach the entire episode here Directing your life: When your story ends, did your script and cast meet your expectations? (realtalktinaann.com). It is a must listen. You can also watch the complete episode by clicking the above link.
Catch all of our episodes on Real Talk with Tina and Ann (realtalktinaann.com)
You can also catch us on facebook. Realk Talk with Tina and Ann. Please join our page and jump on this journey we call life, with us.
You can listen to us on WDJYFM.com every Sunday morning from 11am-12pm. You can catch us in Colorado and in San Fransico TV.
You can listen to us anywhere you get your podcasts.
Welcome to Real Talk with Tina and Anne. This is part two of we Are the Directors of Our Life and we're going to derail a little bit and talk about a train analogy in this episode. So just stick with us. And this is part two. The next car that Dr Donna talked about was the baggage car, and you know, this is where we kind of visit our issues, our abandonment issues, our trauma or whatever baggage that we're carrying around, and this is where we can kind of decide what or when or how we're ready to leave those issues behind, Like if we're going to pick some of them up and continue to take them with us into the next cars.
Speaker 1:And you know, I think that we do. You know, like we talked about earlier, I think that there's seasons. I think that we visit certain cars at certain times in our lives. I think that there's seasons. I think that we visit certain cars at certain times in our lives. I think that we revisit. I think sometimes we pick up a certain baggage and we carry it with us and sometimes we're ready to let that baggage go and I think that some of it has to do with the healing and what we need and when we don't need it anymore need and when we don't need it anymore.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you're so right and it's so funny to me. Why and I've done this too why will I continually pick the baggage up? If you think of the experience, the more you carry, the harder it is. Let it go. I'm still learning how to do that. I know it's hard. It's a lot easier said than done, but it really is healthy and beneficial when you do it.
Speaker 1:You know, I kicked myself so many times because I picked something back up again. I mean, I have a friend right now that it's just so sad and my heart goes out to her and my phone is open to her anytime she wants to contact me again. She, we were the best of friends for years and years and we kind of knew each other out there, you know. And she's back out again doing some choices that she shouldn't be doing, unfortunately. And she accidentally called me, didn't mean to call me, she meant to call another Ann, but she got me and I think it was, I think it was a God thing, and she just started talking about her relapse and how she's just a mess, and then she just said, oh, and then she hung up.
Speaker 1:I keep texting her, I love you, I love you, I'm here, you know, and I think that there's just in not going to that much of an extreme, but I think that there's times in our life that we just go back and we revisit certain things. And maybe, you know, there was something in her life that just wasn't resolved. I'm not really sure why she went back out, back out to that point in her life and we kick ourselves and we, and it doesn't do any good to really do that. I don't think.
Speaker 2:Oh it's. You know an addiction is such a constant battle every day, much like I feel, like my anxiety is too. But you know you like I just go back to. We only have so much energy and time and it's so important to just make the healthiest choices as soon as you can and start building those healthy habits.
Speaker 2:One of the next cars is the passenger car that's on the train that we've been talking about, and this is where we get rid of people we don't want on our trip anymore with us, where we tell them to get off our train, give them a ticket to go somewhere else that they cannot get back on with us, and I would call this boundaries. I would say this is where the boundaries come in. Boundaries. I would say this is where the boundaries come in. And you know, I'd also say just because someone's family doesn't mean that they just have a free pass to make life miserable or do things that they shouldn't be doing to you, your children, anybody. So you know it, unfortunately can be someone that's in your family who would have to fall under this car. But kind of like the friend illustration I was sharing with you, I was just very open and honest and nice about it and just said no, thank you for wanting to get back on my train, but my train is full and it's going to keep on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I've had people very close to me and, like you just said, even family members, and I create distance and hopefully the distance is all you need and you don't need the words to be able to have to say no at this time. Um, but yeah, I mean, I think it's, it's healthy to create those boundaries and then the other side of that is is that we can let people on that we want to be on our train at that time, so I think that that's pretty cool too, I mean we get to decide, because we matter too.
Speaker 2:And it's not about hurting people's feelings, it's just you grow, you change, you learn, you do different. You know who you want and don't want in your life. To be in that inner circle or on that train there with you, and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. No, you can still love people from a distance. That's possible.
Speaker 1:Yes, and some at a bigger distance than others.
Speaker 2:Yes, I agree.
Speaker 1:The next part is the engine room, and this is where Dr Donna describes a room where you're getting filled up. She gave examples, but for me those things would be like music, art, drawing, photography, writing, some TV time, you know God, definitely time and listening to my kids laugh, rest, which I hardly ever get. Decorating my house, I mean, there's just so many things that fill me instead of deplete me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for me it would be being, you know, seeing sunrises and sunsets, being by the water, hikes, anything outside, camping, being with my family, just seeing my kids be kind to each other, you know, seeing them do things without being asked, things like that. But yes, taking pictures, all of those things, some of those things. I just sit here and like, oh, I would long for a nap or I would long to be able to read a book. My stepmom asked me recently when was the last time you sat down and, you know, read like a book for pleasure? And I was like you know, read like a book for pleasure. And I was like 2010. So it's not a children's book.
Speaker 2:Yeah, right, right, right, and not not a self help book. And I was like, honestly, I don't even own any books here that aren't children's or like self help, if you will. That would fall in like a self help category.
Speaker 1:So I don't know, I really probably 2010. Well, being the kind of person that likes nonfiction books, it's hard for me to read fiction. Well, I do love children's books. I mean, I gravitate to them. Even if I didn't have kids, I think that I would pick some up and read them because they have so many lessons in them. I have literally gotten episodes out of children's books. So I mean, yeah, and I love reading with my kids and I love them reading to me. So I mean and I guess I should have said friends, because friends are very filling too I love spending time with my friends.
Speaker 2:I didn't say that either. I don't get a whole lot of socializing time, just maybe a little bit here and there at the ball field if I'm not at the playground watching the game from my phone.
Speaker 1:Well, I love my time that I get to spend with you and I think there is never a time, whether we run into each other at Target, like we did the other day, or whether we purposefully get together or we're zombies together or whatever. You know, honestly, I always love our conversations.
Speaker 2:Yes, I think we could just talk and talk and talk about nothing and everything at the same time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so maybe we should start a podcast. I don't know, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so maybe we should start a podcast. I don't know. Honestly, I've thought about just my randomness. If you just knew all the random things throughout the day that went through my head, like if we just did a podcast, and we sat here and just okay, your turn, my turn, your turn. You know what I mean. I went back and forth You'd be like what in the world? You'd understand why I exhaust my own self.
Speaker 1:Well, it's not boring. You're not boring, and I'm not either. I crack myself up all the time and if I said the things I think I know, oh, I know, and I'll explain to myself.
Speaker 2:You know, my husband would never have to. I mean, I'd never worry about him being a cheater ever but also because I have enough personality for 10 people, so there's no room for him. I mean, I could be anything he ever could need. All in one, you are yes, for better or worse.
Speaker 1:I had someone.
Speaker 2:So funny story that maybe ties into this or not. Story that maybe ties into this or not. I was at my son's end of year field trip and then a couple of days later I was at his baseball game. I got stung by a bee twice in one week, different places, but I got stung from both of those places. And when we were at the ball field, one of the other moms said oh, it's probably because you're so sweet, you need maybe a little more vinegar. And my good friend, who knows me well, was shaking her head like this she needs no more vinegar. And I looked at her and I said you do mean that in the most loving, kind way, right? She said absolutely, but you don't need any more of it. Well, I will just take it and run. Oh my gosh, that's great. As the Brad Paisley song goes, this is what my husband said. I am sunshine mixed with a little hurricane. That is absolutely the perfect description for me, and I'm totally okay with it.
Speaker 2:That's why you love.
Speaker 1:Hawaii Because it's like the tropical weather, with some of the bad rainy weather all the time there, but also the rainbows all the time.
Speaker 2:That's right, that that's so good, I love it and it's OK. And you know, bottom line of this whole story is, I feel like be comfortable being you and I think the more comfortable that you feel, but be comfortable being you and be even more comfortable with people who don't like you.
Speaker 2:It's okay, we're not here to please everyone. You can still be kind, though, and not like someone. I'm not saying, you know, sabotage them or anything like that. I'm just saying that it's okay, you are you and that's a good thing. Unless you're bad, then that's not so good, but you know what I'm getting at right. Be comfortable being you in your own skin.
Speaker 1:Unless you're bad, then you need to change.
Speaker 2:Then maybe you need to change and get some help until you're a good version of you, the best version. But we're always a working group, aren't we?
Speaker 1:Yes, and I never know what you're going to say so yes, well, maybe you can help us get back on track.
Speaker 2:You like what I did there? Track.
Speaker 1:I get it Train. Yes, that was good. So the last car on the track is actually the first car, I guess, because it's the conductor car, where you are the driver of the train and you are in, you are the one in control of your destiny, and where you end up. She also said that there are people in our lives that will try to pull us all the way back to the caboose and she said that if we end up back there, that it's actually our responsibility. And I do agree with that to a certain point, to a big point. But I also think that there are times to revisit, as we kind of said earlier, just like grieving. You know, there are stages and I think I look at each of these cars as kind of like a stage in my life, or different stages in my life.
Speaker 2:And you go in and out of them.
Speaker 1:Right, you know another thing that she said which I really loved, and now I'm always going to look at this differently. I think, where we go to a table, we go to a relationship, and we sit down with somebody and it's like what are all the ghosts are you bringing to that conversation? Who's all sitting and it's just you and somebody else, but who are all the ghosts that you're bringing with you? And I could just picture like that good and bad, you know, devil angel thing on your shoulder. But it was just like here's a ghost and that's my anxieties and here's my insecurities and here's this and here's this, you know, and I could just picture all the me's at the table with somebody else.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that is definitely something to think about. Gosh yeah, another episode for sure. Because now it's just got the wheels spinning in my mind about oh my goodness, yeah, what are we bringing to the table? But the only thing I can think about that scenario is we all know we come with baggage.
Speaker 2:I think what's real hard about knowing who to have on your train and not to is we all have our things, but how do we know, maybe when it's time to let someone go? You know what I mean. I think we all get there in a different time, or some takes longer than others. That's something really good to think about, because I feel like it's almost as though we all come to the table. So, let's say, when you and I first came to the table, we didn't know any of the ghosts we were bringing, but we had journalism in common, we had this trial in common, and you start to just chat with someone and you just really like their personality. So I guess I'm saying at what point? I wonder, do any of the ghosts play any part in wow, when things split and when things come together? I don't know. You just kind of got me thinking about it.
Speaker 1:That's interesting because I think that our insecurities and our anxieties brought us together. Well, there you go. I think that they did, because we were, you know, covering this really huge case and I think that both of us were a little afraid of all that was in front of us and all that was expected of us at the same time, and so we kind of just I think that we both felt each other's insecurities and anxieties and that made us closer and we talked ourselves each other through that entire situation and helped each other.
Speaker 2:Nobody wants to feel alone.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think you're right, but going into it, we didn't know that we were going to meet each other and have all of those feelings you know. So that's a really interesting topic. What ghosts do we bring to the table and at what point are you like whoa, those ghosts are too much. It's just, it's fun to think about. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think that is an entire episode. I think we could make break that down into segments, for sure.
Speaker 2:You're right. There was one last thing that Dr Donna talked about and we can relate to it. It is narcissistic people. Well, you don't know any of those people, do you?
Speaker 1:Only a handful maybe.
Speaker 2:Well, this is what Dr Donna said you should shove them off that train, because we will never win.
Speaker 1:You know, unfortunately narcissists are so convincing and they can even be so convincing that they can mess with you to the point where you're even questioning your own truth. She actually called this narcissistic abuse. But I mean to keep it clean. It's crazy making. It's just crazy making, because you really start questioning yourself, because they really believe what they're saying.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's real hard to be friends with or have any sort of relationship whether it's someone in your family, friends, whatever it is with someone who's narcissistic, that takes a toll, because I also feel like narcissistic sometimes can tie into gaslighting, where people say that it was you who did this, but it was really them that did it. And then you're like wait what you know? You're so confused by the end of it.
Speaker 1:You know, one of the things I have now I do a narcissist radar and it's a feeling when do you get one of those? Where do you get one of those? I do, and you know, whenever I am around especially this one person and they are a narcissist my entire being feels it. I mean, I just the rejection I feel inside of myself towards this person is, it's just unbelievable. And I also, whenever I'm around somebody like that, I am completely drained. I mean like I can't even go another second and I need to. I need to stop. I need to remove myself right away.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I've experienced that too, and not even just with narcissistic people, but just people who make you feel uncomfortable or make you feel dumb or you know like, make you feel a certain way and you have to be around them. That is really hard as well, and it does take a toll on our bodies and in our mental capacity, our mental strength, if you will. And so I've been really working really hard lately on if I'm just not feeling it, then just I need again grace and space to just not do it. You know, dinner making has been just a nightmare lately. But then my dad just gave me an air fryer yesterday and Ooh, I love those. It just it's starting to change everything already. And my dad just gave me an air fryer yesterday Ooh, I love those.
Speaker 2:It's starting to change everything already. I'm like, darn it, I forgot to thaw this or I forgot to do this. And then next thing, you know, we're all eating something crummy for dinner again because mom couldn't make something. But the truth is I'm just in a little bit of a funk right now and I think it's end of school year stuff and just life and it can just be hard, and so I'm not overwhelming myself, and so when you get around people who make you feel that way, sometimes you just got to be like you know what not today, not this week or not this month and take that time off, because you really do matter too. And again, we do not have this unlimited amount of energy.
Speaker 1:No, we don't. And it kind of, you know, when I was thinking about the different people that hop on and I don't want them on, and I actually pictured myself running into a different car and hiding under a seat yeah, because I don't want them to see me or even know that I'm there.
Speaker 2:Oh yes. Do you ever go in a store and you see someone that you're like, oh, I do not want to stop and talk, I will go the other way, I will turn, I will do whatever it takes to not be seen as much as, oh, grab a clerk or hide, or oh, I dropped something, just quickly disappear? If you will Literally have done that, because sometimes it's just easier to do that than it is to have to be like what. I don't want to talk to you today. Can you keep on? It's been great to see you.
Speaker 1:Even though I can remember the first time we hadn't seen each other in a really long time and I really wasn't wanting to have that first conversation in Sam's Club and I saw them and I was like, oh crap, this is not the place I want to do this.
Speaker 1:So I went and they must have obviously seen me, because I saw them looking for me as I was trying to keep around and I would like look and I'd see them like this, you know, and I'm like, oh crap, like this, you know, and I'm like, oh crap, they even know I'm here. So and then I safely got out without that conversation. But I mean, it's funny how we do those types of things. And then we did end up having a conversation later when it was more appropriate, and it was great and we're amazing friends, but I just didn't want to do it right then in the middle of Sam's Club. So it was kind of funny how we do that, but I could picture myself like running into another car, getting underneath the seat and saying, no, I don't want to see you.
Speaker 2:But again, because we don't have always that time and energy to deal with it, like some things can stay in that. What's the car, the passenger, what's the car that you decide to do not, yes, and so some people just need to, just need to know their role and they just need to stay put with this stuff if they're on the car or in the, on the train, any of those things or people that you don't want there, the whole train's gonna go off the track, that's so true, it's so true so there is a quote that goes along with this whole entire thing, and I know that it's a little long, but do you want to?
Speaker 2:read it, tina, I will. It's on trains and their passengers, and John says life is like a train ride. The passengers on the train are seemingly going to the same destination as you, but, based on their belief in you or their belief that the train will get them to their desired destination, they will stay on the ride or they will get off somewhere during the trip. People can and will get off at any stop. Just know that where people get off is more of a reflection on them than it is on you. There will be a few people in your life who will make the whole trip with you, who believe in you, accept that you are human and that they make mistakes humans, that is, and mistakes will be made along the way. Together, no matter what, you will get to your desired destination.
Speaker 2:Be very grateful for these people. They are rare. When you find one, don't let them go ever. Be blessed for the ones who get on at the worst stops when no one else is there. Remember those people. They are special. Always hold them dear to your heart.
Speaker 2:Be very weary of people sneaking on at certain stops when things are going well and acting like they've been there the whole ride, for they will be the first to depart. There will be ones who secretly try to get off the ride and there will be those who very publicly jump off. Don't pay any heed to the defectors. Pay heed to the passengers who are still on the trip. They are the important ones. If someone tries to get back on the train, don't be angry and hold a grudge. Let them just see where they are around. The next hard turn. If they're buckled in, accept them. If they're pulling the handrail alarm again, then let them off the train freely and waste no space in your head for them again, ever.
Speaker 2:There will also be times when the train moves slowly, almost at a crawl's pace. Appreciate that you can take in the view. There will be times when the train is going so fast that everything is a blur. Enjoy the sense of speed in your life. It is exhilarating, but unsustainable. There will also be a chance that the train derails. If that happens, it will hurt a lot for a long time, but there will be people who appear out of nowhere to get you back on track. Those will be the people who matter most in your life. Love them forever or you can never repay these people. The thing is, even if you could repay them, they wouldn't accept it anyway. Just pay it forward. Eventually, your train will get to its final stop and you will need to deboard. At that time, you will realize that life is about the journey and the destination. Know and have faith that at the end of your ride, your train will have the right passengers on board, and all the passengers that were on board at one time or another were there for a distinct purpose.
Speaker 1:That was Enjoy the Ride by John Passaro that you know. I could visualize every single thing that you were saying.
Speaker 2:That's something that I have to see on paper to digest. Do you know what I mean? Like oh, it was so good, I know I'd forget all of that, but going back and being like, yes, yes, I know, I know people. I know every single person that he talked about. You know what I'm thinking Me too. Every single person that he talked about.
Speaker 1:You know what I'm thinking. You're like me too. I can picture, like my friend Becky, at a certain time in my life when I got derailed, how she was like standing in the tracks, you know, or John, how he was standing there when I got derailed, or this friend or whatever. You know I. I could actually picture people and speeds. I hadn't really thought about the speed before, but then I really like that one too.
Speaker 2:It you know, right now, I think you and I are probably in a very similar season of speed with, you know, kids in school, and especially end of year, I would say this month in particular for me personally. And so I am. I'm just trying to hang on and enjoy the ride and do what I can and let go of what I can't, because it's just going so fast.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, it's that saying, that says the days are long, but how does it go?
Speaker 2:The days are long, but the years are short, and there is no truer statement ever, I think that I agree.
Speaker 1:I just can't believe how fast time goes. And somebody said recently this is another one. I am sorry I watch some really crazy shows sometimes, but it's really good. I mean the show Hacks on HBO Max, oh my gosh, it's so good I've never seen it.
Speaker 1:I've never seen it and I don't know that actress's name, so I mean I'm going to fail there, but it's an older lady and a younger lady and how they've come together in their lives, together as comedians, and how they're helping each other basically through life.
Speaker 1:But I was watching it last night and the older lady just it was just so profound what she was saying about being at the end of her life and how she was talking to the younger girl and she was saying things like you know, you, everything is just new, and even a breakup. Or even you know, you just have your whole future in front of you, even if you are having a breakup, or something like that. But with her she has to do everything now because she doesn't have the time anymore. And just her perspective at the end, to somebody who's still very young, it was so good. I mean there's a lot of it's just funny for funny's sake, you know, because it's a comedy. But it was so profound and it makes me think of this because she said I feel the same that she did when she was younger. She doesn't even know that she's older until she looks in the mirror.
Speaker 2:Truly, that's how I feel. I've thought about that a little bit over the last couple of weeks just for myself, and I think going back to the train example in the caboose is, when you get to that caboose, make sure that you've done all the things that you wanted to do, accomplish your purpose. And you know, for some of us maybe the purpose is someone that we raise, maybe you're a conduit to something or to the world. You connect people to things or things to people, and whatever it is.
Speaker 2:I think it's so important that we don't think we have more time than we do, I guess is the line I'm getting at is we only have so much time, so really prioritize who and what matters most and then go out and do it.
Speaker 1:And I'm also watching myself in that train going to different forks in the track, you know, or you know, deciding to go this way and not this way, and I've looked at different ones like that in my past and thought that I failed here or I failed there, and when I look back at the play scenario, it makes me realize that they weren't failures or they. This was just the script that I wrote for myself and these were the people's scripts that they had. This was how the play played out. This was a life that I dealt myself in some respects and you know, when you get to the end, I mean I don't think looking at the failures and just being able to look at it differently, being able to look at it as you know. This was a life and this is how I led my life, and not thinking it's a failure, but you know all the positives about it instead.
Speaker 2:There are lessons to be learned. I tell my kids we don't have bad days, we have bad moments because you can always try to start new and start over, and I think it's important that we do.
Speaker 2:And I also think it is important that we love ourselves. And if you don't love yourself, maybe you need to just kind of look at why. You know, is it truly that you do need to make some changes, or have you let these other voices kind of take over and make you forget who you really are? We don't need all kinds of people. You know how part of that you know quote talked about. Don't give it any more space in your head. Don't give people the time of day who don't give it to you. If they're not in your inner circle, no offense, but it doesn't matter what their opinion is of you.
Speaker 2:I mean, I have a neighbor who, I believe, thinks differently of me than who I am because I set a boundary with her and you know it's like well, it's fine. I really, actually, for the very, probably the very first time in my life, I don't care what she thinks of me. You know, I just don't because I know who I am. You know that she's just upset because I've had to set a boundary, but that's what healthy people do. It's not that I don't want to talk, I just don't want to try to be close like we were at one point, and so whatever she thinks of me is fine, and I'm comfortable knowing who I am. I don't need that to rest on someone else.
Speaker 1:Well, the train ride is short. Really it really is. And you know I it's with those you love the most. You know it is. Yes, you know that's so true, tina. So unfortunately true, and and with some I block the number because I don't want their messages getting through, because I don't want it to get inside me and I don't want their definitions of me inside me. I don't need that. Life is too short.
Speaker 2:It certainly is Well soak in the moments that are good and learn from the bad ones I mean, we can learn from all of them and in the end you get to decide who you spend your time with and what you spend your time on. Thank you for joining us this week on Real Talk with Tina and Anne. We'll see you next week. World changers aren't pleasing everybody. They're just not.