087 - When Frustrated or Overwhelmed, Ask This Question

In this episode, we dive into the everyday pressures that can make us feel overwhelmed, stressed, and stretched too thin. Whether it's a mounting workload, ongoing demands, or a disagreement at work or home, it's easy to let these tensions spill over into our interactions with our children. When frustration builds up, we might find ourselves losing our temper at the smallest misbehavior.

But what if there was a way to pause and regain control before things escalate? Join us as we explore the one crucial question you can ask yourself in these challenging moments. This simple yet powerful question can change your perspective, helping you respond calmly and constructively, even when you feel pushed to your limits. Tune in to learn how this mindset shift can make all the difference in maintaining your composure and fostering a positive environment for you and your children.

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Transcript

The work is piling up,  one demand after another, and you're feeling stressed and overwhelmed, or maybe there's a disagreement with someone at work or home, and you can feel yourself getting insecure and angry,  and maybe you doubt yourself.  During these times, we can feel stretched so thin. That the moment a child misbehaves, we snap and end up losing our temper. 

When these things happen,  there's one question you can ask.  That question can make all the difference in how you respond to the situation. 

 Welcome to Discerning Parenting, the podcast for parents of kids age 12 and under who have learned the hard way that a one-size-fits-all all approach to parenting won't shift the needle for you, your child, or your family. Together, We'll explore intentional strategies that see both you and your kids thrive. 

Parenting strategies based on well-conducted research in the areas of child development, brain science, and neurodiversity need practical for you.  What if you let go of perfect and embrace discerning parenting in your family instead?  If you feel like you've been stumbling your way through. And you're ready to leave behind fight or flight mode parenting.

Then, this is the podcast for you.  I'm Dr. Victoria Ang-Nolasco, Developmental and Behavioral Pediatrician and Positive Parenting Coach, on a mission to help you release your parenting guilt so you can become laser-focused on what will truly work for you. 

For the times we're feeling frustrated or overwhelmed, there's a solution. One vital question we can ask is that will help us react in calmer ways and it will help open up new options for what can we do about it so that we can go back to feeling calm and we can have more solutions. We can stop feeling trapped or helpless. 

What is that question?  Here's what we can ask. What are the demands placed on us? And what resources do we have at that time?  I often talk about this when it comes to handling kids' tantrums. We look at the demands placed on them and what are their resources or their supply. But it also applies to our own stress management and even anger management.

The parents I work with have shared how this allowed them to remain calmer, And understand themselves and their kids more.  When we understand our own resources or supply and the demands placed on us, we can understand ourselves more and get a better look at any stressful situation we can face.  Here's how it goes.

We have our supply, the resources that we have from physical factors like how much sleep we got last night, whether we had breakfast and coffee this morning, to the social and emotional factors. Are we surrounded by supportive people who show their appreciation? Are we in an environment that values our unique strengths and personalities? 

Also, at any one time, we are faced with demands.  Maybe our kids, multiple kids, and maybe even a spouse or a partner simultaneously calling for your attention.  Huge piles of laundry or dishes or unpaid bills and things to do. A floor that hasn't been vacuumed in so long that maybe there's some dinosaur dung on it already.

Deadlines at work, maybe an angry boss or disgruntled colleagues or a meeting that went wrong.  When we have adequate supply to meet the demands, we feel calm and in control. We are ready to face the challenges.  But what happens when there is just that extra demand that pushes us over the top? And when that happens, the whole thing collapses. 

When that happens, it triggers in us the stress response. Maybe we get angry. We yell. That's called the fight response.  Or do we have the flight response?  We simply want to escape, and when there's nowhere to escape, we may feel cornered. We can shut down, we freeze, we feel unable to do anything, which gets us even more frustrated at ourselves. 

When that happens, here's what we can do. And let's do it all together now.  Let's practice it now while we are calm, so it will be more likely that we can do it during those crucial moments.  First, take four deep breaths.  One,  two,  three,  four. 

Second, pick up a pen and a piece of paper. Three. List down the demands on you right now. Go ahead, get them out of your mind and on paper. Feel free to pause this if you need to.  Third, list the supply factors that you have. Just keep writing. Don't analyze if this is really a supply factor or not. As long as there's the slightest chance it can help you, write it down. 

The really cute thing your kid said this morning.  Or that encouraging message you received, something you're grateful for,  your family, a friend.  Maybe a doorman or a sales clerk who greeted you this morning. Or a driver who let you pass instead of honking at you.  Fourth, brainstorm. What can you do so that supply can meet demand? 

Sometimes you may need to reduce the demands.  Say no more often. Identify what is truly important to you right now and focus on that.   Remember, every time we say yes to something, no matter how good an idea it is, there is always an opportunity cost.  So every time we say yes to something, we are really saying no to something else.

When we say yes, To that tiny, tiny favorite that someone is asking from us, we are really saying no to more sleep, more time with our kids, or more time to tackle that to-do list that has been stressing us out.   And sometimes, you may need to increase supply. Seek out people and experiences that empower you. 

Get more sleep, or downtime, or healthy meals, or exercise.  And sometimes you need to do both.  I know we are all busy parents and this is easier said than done.  I guess parents, especially parents of young kids, can be among the most stressed, the most overwhelmed, and the most stretched-thin people in the world. 

It can feel as if there's not a single demand you can let go of.  If that's the case, instead of removing a demand, maybe an option is to simply park it so it's not taking up mental space right now.  When we do these four steps,  take four deep breaths, list down the demands, list the supply factors, and brainstorm possible options so that supply can meet demand.

It will open up more ideas, options, and solutions.  We can get unstuck. We can have a plan moving forward. Recently, a client I worked with shared, It's like a switch.  I'm more grounded. I understand myself and other people more so I don't get irritated.  I know this too from personal experience.  I'm ashamed to say that whether it was at home or in school when I was growing up,  there were times I would snap, lose my temper, and start getting angry at people around me.

 And when I became a parent, I knew I could not go on this way or else I would traumatize my child.  I underwent a deep healing journey and developed these four steps that I use myself and share with others.  And I use it combined with the transformative heart healing method. We'll link to the episodes about this also in the show notes. 

And it gave me the insight and the courage to decrease demand by saying no and stop trying to please everyone. It gave me the determination to increase supply by spending more time simply playing with my child.  And by committing to an exercise program with an exercise coach.  In a way, doing this podcast and knowing you, the parents in the Discerning Parenting community, increases my supply because my world has expanded by knowing all of you.

 Many of you have written emails or messages. And I hope that listening to this podcast can be a supply factor for you as well.  Together, we're accomplishing something big. We're breaking generational cycles of hurt and trauma, and we're deciding that we're not passing this on to our kids.  And it starts with asking this question.

 What can we do so that supply can meet demand?  If you want to apply the supply and demand model to your parenting, get my book, The Discerning Parent's Guide to Toddler Behavior. Head over to discerningparenting. com slash books.  📍 For the next challenge you face, whether in parenting or other aspects of your life, Try looking at it from the perspective of supply and demand.

See how it can open up for you different paths and even a whole new mindset.