Lets talk about sex baby- chats with sex expert Grace O Shea

Unlock the secrets to a fulfilling sex life as we sit down with the extraordinary Grace O'Shea, an educator who is revolutionizing the conversation around female sexuality. This Valentine's Day episode is a treasure trove of insight, as Grace addresses the real issues women face in the bedroom, from overcoming the silence imposed by societal stigma to finding one's sexual voice. Grace's expertise in coaching women and couples shines a light on common struggles like low libido, discomfort with intimacy, and the ever-present body image concerns that can dampen one's sexual experience.

In our candid conversation, Grace helps us navigate the tricky waters of desire discrepancy in relationships, affirming that it's perfectly normal for partners to have different sex drives. We tackle the orgasm gap head-on and advocate for the kind of open communication that can lead to mutual satisfaction. Grace also enlightens us on the nuances of spontaneous and responsive desire, helping listeners understand that the pathways to pleasure are varied and often need nurturing. And for those curious about the role contraceptives play in affecting libido, we delve into how these medications can uniquely influence each individual's sex drive.

Wrapping up, we confront the more challenging topics of sex addiction, infidelity, and the myths surrounding midlife crises. Grace's compassionate approach underscores the necessity of seeking professional help when needed and encourages honest conversations to foster deeper intimacy. For couples trying to sync their sexual rhythms, we discuss the benefits and pitfalls of both scheduled and spontaneous encounters, and how anticipation might just be the secret ingredient to a vibrant sex life. So, join us as we break through taboos and promote a culture of healthy sexual exploration, one empowering discussion at a time.

Follow Grace on instagram @grace_alice_oshea

Website www.gracealice.com

Lots of love 

Mel & simone xoxx

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

It's the Boojee Blonde podcast with Melissa and Simone, available on Spotify, apple or wherever you get your podcasts. Now let's get Boojee. Hi, I'm Melissa, hi I'm Simone. Our podcast is serving you, besty vibes.

Speaker 2: 0:23

We are just two country girls chatting about all the things we struggle with daily life.

Speaker 1: 0:27

And, of course, talking about certain issues that some people are afraid to speak about. We give it to you real, while having crack along the way. Remember, these are just our opinion scouts, don't take us too seriously. We're just giving you some best friend advice. So on this week's episode we have the beautiful Grace O'Shea. So she is an award winning coach, educator, author and she's going to give us some snacks into Sme and relationship advice. So we're very excited to have you, grace.

Speaker 2: 0:58

Yes, thanks so much for having me on.

Speaker 3: 1:01

Thank you, thanks so much. I'm excited I talk about this stuff all the time. So yeah, we are very excited.

Speaker 2: 1:08

Yeah, we're rather and truly intrigued, for this. Valentine's Day is just around the corner.

Speaker 1: 1:15

Good timing, good timing, good time. So tell us a bit about yourself, grace, like what do you do on your weekly life? Tell us how you help people, what kind of things you come across on a day to day basis.

Speaker 3: 1:29

Yeah, so I live in Kerry and I'm from Kerry, so a lot of my work is online at the moment. My weeks actually look different, which I need. I just need to mix things up constantly. It's just my personality I get bored if I'm doing the same routine too much. So, if you look to my week, I do one to one coaching sessions, mainly with women, and what I would see. There is different issues, but usually it's women coming to me because they basically either don't enjoy sex they feel like they don't really have much of a sex drive either they never did, or now it's like decreased or maybe they're having like pain during sex and sometimes like body image issues and things like that as well, and that would be a big bulk of my work. So, working with women one to one, which is fab, I love it.

Speaker 3: 2:18

I love working with women. I do some work with couples and then I do workshops. I run a course once or twice a year. What else do I do? I run a program for schools and, yeah, I keep up my social media page, obviously, which is a lot of work. As you know, a lot of work goes into that and that's yeah, and I do some. I do a good bit of work in the media as well and that's kind of still like increasing, which is great. So that's kind of week to week it looks quite different, but I like that.

Speaker 1: 2:48

And what do you feel the biggest issue is with women not enjoying sex Like, is it because they're insecure? Is it because they don't really have an idea of sex in their head from like movies, of what it's meant to be like? What do you feel is the issue? Why do women not enjoy sex?

Speaker 3: 3:08

Yeah, I think such a good question. I think there's a lot of things that contribute to it and you touched on a few there. So I think one thing is we have an idea of what sex should be like and as women. And did you both grow up in Ireland? Yes, we did. So you had amazing sex education, obviously, growing up in Ireland. Well, I got none anyway, and that was in the like I was in school 2005 to 2010 ish and like there was very, very, very, very little. So when there's no good sex education, like how?

Speaker 1: 3:42

do you learn?

Speaker 3: 3:42

about sex, Like who do you talk to? How do you have these like open, real conversations? Like a lot of us didn't. So we learned from even porn. We learned from even just movies and books, and like the media, which is there to entertain us, not necessarily to educate us. So I think, with girls and women we grew up with this idea that like sex is done to us, not with us, and it's something we kind of we have to like, like we kind of have to gate, keep it Like.

Speaker 3: 4:12

We have to gate, keep our sexuality Like as in. We either give it away or we don't and there's all this language around it. So I think just generally the history there is quite oppressive. Like to women and girls, you know, we're not encouraged to own and celebrate our sexuality. It's more seen as something dangerous that we kind of need to keep your control, keep under wraps, so that translates then into our sex lives as adults and it did for mine even for a long time where I was just it was just all about pleasing my partner who my partners are usually men.

Speaker 3: 4:50

So that's kind of what a lot of women go through if they're straight or heterosexual and not advocate for what I like. And actually a lot of women come to me and I asked them this really simple question right, it sounds really simple but it's not and I asked them do you know what you like when it comes to sex? And I can't tell you the amount of women who like start crying when I ask that question because they realize that like actually I don't and that sounds so silly and I'm always like it's not silly because you probably weren't encouraged to explore and figure it out and advocate for yourself, I think in a rambly way. That's really. The issue is kind of how we're socialized as women and girls, and there's a lot of shame attached to sex and sexuality.

Speaker 2: 5:36

Absolutely. It's just something that we're not like open enough I don't think about talking about. Even like as we come into, like younger adults, we kind of shy behind talking about it with our friends or with your partner. It's kind of something when you're with someone or if you're in a relationship, it's kind of something that just naturally happens, but we don't actually sit down and talk about it, like you said, how we feel afterwards and what we like and what we don't like about it. I don't know for me as a woman as well as something like you, tend to kind of shy back a bit after doing it with your partner or whatever.

Speaker 2: 6:16

You don't really talk about it much so afterwards.

Speaker 3: 6:20

I have been in a relationship for three years, which. I don't mind either.

Speaker 2: 6:28

I don't know. I feel like everyone is so different. I kind of am the type of person where I can't have casual sex. I can't just find that with somebody without having a relationship behind it, when a lot of people are just expressing themselves on the weekend and doing it on a day to day basis. It's a norm, which is okay as well, because everyone is different.

Speaker 3: 6:53

Yeah, and I think what you described there again is really common. Just that idea of casual sex and that, yeah, for a lot of people it's fine, but for a lot of people it's not. You know when we think of you know we hear a lot about sex positivity and be sex positive. I think the meaning of that. People get a bit confused because the media, like they do and everything, just take it and just like, bastardize it completely.

Speaker 3: 7:16

It loses its meaning Sex positivity is all about. It's such a choice. It's about respect. It's about me making an informed choice for myself, being aware that my choices can look completely different to yours. It's not my right to judge yours or shame you. I mean, I can judge it in my head, but you know, because we are.

Speaker 3: 7:37

When people say they're non-judgmental, I'm like humans judge, like it's the way our brain works, but like, not shame someone. You could look at someone. God, that wouldn't be for me. Now, that doesn't look good, but that's fine for them. You know, because there's a bit of sometimes things swing the other way, where it's like, if I'm talking to women who often say that, like I'm not into casual sex and men as well, by the way, there's even more stigma for men that don't want casual sex, and sometimes those girls or women feel like they're not then empowered in some way, and I'm like, no, you're actually super empowered. If you can say that's not for me, that's fine for you. I just know it's not for me. Like, that's what sex positivity is. It's not about having loads and loads of sex, loads and loads of people Like. It can be that, but it doesn't have to be that, you know.

Speaker 1: 8:26

And I feel like as women, we nearly feel like bad for wanton sex or having a high sex drive and For some like sometimes as well, the stigma is from other women to women. Yeah, like. So I feel like if you have a high sex drive as a woman, we are afraid to even express that because you can be known and call either like a slush or like. Yeah, like does the stigmatism around in Ireland. I feel that like if you like sex, you're we should like them, use them.

Speaker 3: 9:05

We should hide it away and just yeah, no, I still see that a lot and, like I am someone, I do have a high libido. I always have, and it's it's not something I Say even as a good or bad thing, it's it just is. You know, I just do when I always have and I've always been so interested in sex, which is probably why I ended up doing this work and but I it's a really important part of me, like my sexuality and not just having sex with people as in like my own sexuality, my relationship with myself, my body, all of that. And it's funny because I still come across even, you know, people could be super open-minded, but even sometimes someone who I think is really open-minded there's sometimes a limit with that.

Speaker 3: 9:50

Where you might have mentioned, you know, like in my 20s I had a great time like all about that mom causes, shopping around, you are doing a bit of shopping around and Sometimes, like I might mention, oh, I was seeing Two guys at once for a while. Obviously they both knew that like it wasn't, like you know, I wasn't cheating anyone, it was just casual relationships and respectful casual relationships. I'm, like you still get a bit of oh, I could never do that and it's this way of like, but it's, you know. So sometimes it's kind of it sounds like it's open-minded, but you can actually hear tone the judgment.

Speaker 2: 10:28

In a way it's just. I Don't think it's fair on women either, because a man can do it and there's never an issue and I'm like, even if they're not in a relationship, they can have multiple women on the go, as they say, where if a woman does it, like Melissa said, you're not kind of a slacker slaughter, you get that name. So I do feel like there is a very strong Opinion regarding it, whether it's a man or a woman, because for a woman, we need to be respectful, we need to look after our bodies and, you know, have this respect about ourselves. But I just don't understand what your opinion will be from both ends. But there's a man or a woman and with casual sex from both ends of that makes it.

Speaker 3: 11:16

Yeah, it absolutely is a more taboo, I think, still for women to maybe be more open about their sexuality and even have casual sex. I think the slut shaming is still happening. Yeah, it was. I mean it was rife when I was in school. It was really. It's really like socially acceptable to call someone a slut. You know it was, it was a thing you could just say. Now I think that's changing. I do think it's changing, um, but you know, I've worked with young men and women in the last few years in schools.

Speaker 3: 11:51

Well, I've been doing that for years and it's interesting because the young men let's say 15, 16, 17, some of them are very threatened by that sex positive movement. They're very threatened by that idea of a Woman or a girl being able to enjoy casual sex and I shouldn't say shop around. It's such an awful thing and just, you know, like explore, let's just say explore, yeah, explore. And Because I went into a deep dive in this one day, I'm like what is this about? Why is slut shaming coming back in such a real way for this younger generation?

Speaker 3: 12:27

I thought we were past that and I I really think it's just coming back to the pressure on men as well that they feel they have to perform during sex and you know, um Like, get hard, stay hard for ages, give you loads of orgasms, make you come loads of times. It's all this language and Like they're, we're all just human and I think they're. They're responding to that pressure, that masculinity pressure, by shaming women, you know, and say Because, because I think there's a real fear that, okay, well if, if it's socially acceptable now for women to explore, then they might find a better sexual partner than me, like their standards are gonna be higher. That's what I think. That's part of it.

Speaker 1: 13:10

That's really interesting actually that kind of that perspective, because why else would it matter?

Speaker 3: 13:15

Like, why is what it matter? You know why? Why, why? Why does a woman's value decrease? When she said multiple sexual partners and a man's doesn't? Like, just give me that. Like no one can provide like a, a straight, rational answer to that, because it just doesn't exist. It's it's all based in, like Our own insecurities and projecting that kind of fear and shame outwards.

Speaker 1: 13:37

In my opinion, yeah, that's a really interesting perspective of it, like and I wouldn't have even seen it from that myself that it is that If women start exploring, they lose their mask, like their masculine energy. So they're kind of really bit threatened. They're the one to find a better partner. I might not be good at sex, so then it makes them a bit insecure, which is actually really interesting. And what would like, would you find that it is With a man and a woman, like what would be the issue, or not the issue, the problem? Or how would you solve this problem If one had a higher sex drive than the other? Like, what, like in a relationship, what do you do in that sense? Like, how do you come to compromise her? Yeah, there's so much to it.

Speaker 3: 14:22

But I really I try and just hit the main point that come up. Um, like that is the most common thing I see in couples and just to say it's completely normal, like it's it's called desire discrepancy. So basically, one person desires sex more than the other. Now Find me a couple who at some point isn't going to have some kind of desire, like it's so common. And Desire, you know, when we think of like our appetite, our need to sleep, our energy levels, all of that is impacted by things like Stress, medication, just what's going on in our lives, and so libido is part of that. Like that gets affected by all of these things.

Speaker 3: 14:55

But I suppose, if we put maybe the more physical stuff aside and looking at the relationship, one thing I always ask is Back to the question I asked earlier. Is you know, do you know what you like? Or, more broadly, do you enjoy sex? And often one person is enjoying it much more than the other. Like one person is having a better time and unfortunately that is often the man. In my experience, that's not a shame men, or that it's their fault, it's just culturally. Again, the way that I don't have you, it's the way they're Excuse me, it's the way as well. There we're again socialized differently. So Men's pleasure has always been placed above women's when it comes to sex, and that would be seen as quite normal. Women are seen as these complex creatures that, like it's so hard, like to make a woman orgasm, like not necessarily, like, it's just about communication and, like you know, exploring things and figuring out what works. Um, have you heard of I don't have you heard of um Like you probably obviously know about, like the, the gender gap, the pay gap between women? Um, there's also what's called the organism gap or the pleasure gap.

Speaker 3: 16:10

Okay, and it research shows that, basically, loads of research was done with people of all different Sexual identities, so gay men, gay women, straight men, straight women, bisexual, etc. Etc. And who was at the very top, having an orgasm most often during sex, it was heterosexual men. And who was at the very bottom, underneath all those different sexualities, was heterosexual women, you know. So there's such a gap between, yeah, the two, and there's many reasons for that. Again, it's, it's cultural, it's lack of sex education, it's lack of prioritizing women's pleasure, um, women not knowing themselves what they like and how to ask for it, and men maybe Sometimes just not caring enough to ask. So it's, it's complicated, um, so yeah. So just going back to that, you know, if one partner, whenever you have sex, if one partners have a great time and they feel fulfilled after it and they feel satisfied, of course they're gonna want it more. Like why? Why would you be craving something that isn't really that great? You know, if you think of a food that's, like oh.

Speaker 3: 17:20

You know, like like this foods, I haven't my diet, that I just eat because I know they're good for me, but I don't crave, yeah right.

Speaker 3: 17:29

So it's like you want to have sex. So it's like you want sex. That's worth craving, it's worth like, oh I, I'm really excited to do that. Um, so that's one key, key, key thing is like are you actually enjoying sex? And then another thing as well is like, when it comes to desire, the way we learn about it in, like again, films and books and whatever is that you basically you get horny and then you go and have sex like that.

Speaker 1: 17:57

It's quite linear, right so?

Speaker 3: 17:59

You see your partner and they look really sexy out of the shower and your horny, lets have sex. Now that can happen. That's called spontaneous desire. So it's kind of a desire kind of it. Desire hits you first and then you go and you seek pleasure. So you masturbate or you have sex, whatever it is.

Speaker 3: 18:16

But actually for loads and loads of people they fit into a second category and it's called responsive desire and we have to flip that. So for people with more responsive desire types, you have to experience pleasure first and then desire builds from that. So that's that feeling that I hear all the time from women that well, once I get started it's really nice, but it's just getting getting started, like it's getting in the mood for it. So I'm not saying anyone should be forcing themselves obviously to have sex, but sometimes we actually do need to like make time to build desire, not just wait around for it to like hit us. You know, I hope that makes sense. It's the way we think about desire has just been so limited up to now. When we look at the research and now it's like really opening up and we're like, oh, it's a course, it's not gonna work that way for everyone you know we actually had.

Speaker 2: 19:13

If we put up a question box, okay, as early snarys wanted to ask a few questions. They were intrigued as well as us, so I'm not sure. But I said you'll get someone you rent as well, I did.

Speaker 1: 19:26

yeah, one of the ones that I got was what's associated with improved sex drive is a true coming off the pill helps, oh, that's a good question.

Speaker 3: 19:40

It's a bit of a complicated one and there's a lot of misinformation about the pill around as well.

Speaker 3: 19:47

So the pill there's so many different types of pill, right, and as far as I know there's different kind of hormone, like, like, maybe balances for a better word in each, and how that reacts to each of our bodies is going to be a bit different.

Speaker 3: 20:02

Some people, when they come off the pill and I know this happened for me, like when I came off the pill I noticed as time went down that I could really see my desire changing throughout my cycle. So mine would be very high during that week where you're ovulating, right, and that's very natural Whereas it might be lower, kind of in the point then between ovulation. Your periods know your energy can dip a bit then. So it can help, like coming off the pill absolutely can help, but it's it's not something I just recommend, like I'm not in a place to do that. I would say, if there's other reasons why you want to come off, and talk to your GP and Try coming off it and then use condoms or whatever if you need to, and you can always go back on it if you find you know yeah, it doesn't make a difference, it's so unique to each person.

Speaker 3: 20:55

But generally coming off the pill because then you're having like a natural cycle for a better word it can be easier to track when your desire is higher and lower. So it's definitely something to consider. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2: 21:13

So I have one how to navigate, sorry, a relationship with a sex addict.

Speaker 3: 21:20

Oh, okay, complicated, and I, oh my god. Okay, so I Am not actually qualified enough to speak on this, but what I will say is I do no people who are qualified enough to speak this and I trust their. I trust their judgment. Sex addiction is a very controversial topic within the sexuality field. Okay, so you'll see lots of sex addiction, porn addiction, and it's very sensationalized in the media. Right, I'm not an addiction expert, but you know, I'm not saying sex addiction like doesn't exist. It's not my place to say that.

Speaker 3: 21:58

But I think, first of all, what really it should be called is compulsive sexual behavior. That's the more, that's the better term, and you'll find better resources if you search staff rather than sex addiction, because there's all kinds of people selling all kinds of what's the word? Cures for sex addiction. You know, how would you define someone who's addicted to sex? Like how? That's really hard, right, because Some people define themselves as addicted to sex and it's actually more common from a place of shame Than realizing that their sex drive is completely normal or that they just are sorry, their desires are normal.

Speaker 3: 22:37

So I can't really fully answer that question. What I would say is, if this person you know is in a relationship and they feel what is telling you that this person has compulsive sexual behavior? Or do they just have a high libido? Is it just something you haven't come across before? Maybe they're the way they express their sexuality and if they genuinely do have like difficulties in like suppressing those like urges, they do need to get like professional help. There's really no way around that. So a good psychopathist Preferably, who specializes, as I said, in compulsive sexual behavior.

Speaker 3: 23:14

So, it's a tricky one. It's a tricky one. Yeah, there's no straight answer to that one.

Speaker 1: 23:21

Okay, I have one. Why are so married? So many married men on dating apps and looking for hookups and a laughing a morning.

Speaker 3: 23:34

Good question, oh my god. Um, that's probably a question as old as time, like why do people cheat? Well, one thing, okay, one thing I say after that right is, sometimes People might be in a relationship and it might be something and I don't really fully agree with this but it might be something they do as a couple, just as like a little kind of role-player Excitement that they might like set up a tinder and see what matches they get, and it's just like a bit of a buzz they get off, and it's not necessarily they're looking to actively have sex or whatever. Now that person is, though, on about like actually trying to like have sex right, like hookup with yeah.

Speaker 3: 24:17

It's why I don't know men, I don't know Weirds, vz's, like, but it's, it's hard because it's like Hookup culture and, as I said, like I've high libido, I had a lot of casual sex and like I think can be done really Respectfully and in a really like there's nothing wrong with it. I think the accessibility of Hookups now with Tinder and with the apps there's positives and there's negatives and I guess it is a bit of a breeding ground for people playing with fire a little bit. You know, thinking of cheating or what not. So I don't know, I mean each case is probably different. Like I don't believe, I don't believe, I genuinely don't that. Like men are Just hard work to cheat and they're just like it's just something we should. I don't agree with that. And women cheat as well. Like it's yeah, it's not that I straightforward like there's obviously something not working for them in the relationship and they need to. They need to address that and Maybe go in, maybe it's a bit of coaching, bit of therapy, and see can they work on that, rather than looking for Like hookups because that's not gonna solve anything and it's gonna probably hurt a lot of people in the process.

Speaker 3: 25:31

And, yeah, it's a tough one. It's a tough one, I think and this is probably Maybe zooming out of the bigger picture but I think as a nation, maybe it's the world, but certainly as a nation, if we just got more comfortable in general talking about relationships, about sex, about intimacy, about emotions, about jealousy, about insecurity like all these, like like messy topics, if we just Learn from a young age to talk about this stuff, I honestly don't think that be as much cheating, I don't think that be as much Heartbreak at that sense happening in the world. Because I think, you know, I've always said to my partners if you ever feel tempted to cheat, please come to me and tell me. And it would be a horrible conversation, I'd cry my eyes out. But I would rather us, I would rather know where you're at with something and I don't know, do our other people have those conversations? Because you just assume someone won't cheat, right, you know?

Speaker 1: 26:28

yeah, do you feel that, like a lot of people, cheat? Is it because they're having, they're not enjoying their sex life, or is it because they don't feel Emotionally connected to their partner, or both?

Speaker 3: 26:42

Yeah, it could, it could be either and like it. There's actually so many reasons behind it, but it usually comes back to it's usually more about the individual than than the couple. Like you know, you know that really such a stereotype. But you know that stereotype of like men hitting that midlife crisis and having an affair with a younger woman, like it's just like we see in movies, all that I'm actually just so bored of seeing it at this point. But like it's, it's, it's hashed out over and over. Like you know, people ask why, why would you do that? You know, and sometimes the reasoning behind that is like he's having this midlife crisis over his age and his Confidence, and then being with a younger woman, being in that proximity and being wanted by someone younger, makes him feel younger.

Speaker 2: 27:27

And I'm not excuse it, I'm just ego.

Speaker 3: 27:29

I think more so than yeah, like and I'm not excusing that, I'm just saying that we need to. When it comes to infidelity and cheating, I could talk about this all day, but I won't. We actually need to talk a lot more about the why, rather than Just eating everyone alive with sheets. I'm like it's so wrong. I don't, it's horrible. It's all I don't can do. I don't condone it, but it's there's. You know, if we could just talk a bit more openly about that. Being in a monogamous relationship for a long time is hard, like you know. It is hard and it we just need to learn to communicate, I think, more vulnerably. I really think that.

Speaker 1: 28:09

And you think people can come back like do you think couples can reconnect if one of them Is after cheating, or do you think that you're better off going or separate ways? Or can they work on it and actually make a good, strong Relationship after that happens and it's?

Speaker 3: 28:24

definitely possible. It's definitely possible, but it really depends on the situation. Like, say, if my partner cheated on me, god forbid I die, but if he did it would, I would be like, okay, why? Like why? Why did you do it? And how do I know you? How do we know you won't do it again? And if we could get to a place where I was satisfied with the, with the answers, and like Figuring out what went wrong and that's not about taking responsibility for it Just kind of like, if we can approach it as a team and as a couple and I'm willing to do that because I feel the relationship is worth it and I feel he genuinely is so apologetic I just made a big fucking mistake. Yeah, you absolutely can work and you can have an even better relationship. But for some people they're either not gonna be able to move on from it, yeah, or the person isn't truly apologetic. Maybe they're just kind of sorry they got.

Speaker 1: 29:23

And I suppose it depends on the context of the situation as well, like the story behind it as well, like how deep it actually goes.

Speaker 3: 29:30

Definitely and I would say for the person that cheated, they need to go off and Reflect, like they need to work on themselves. It's not just about go straight into couples therapy. I really don't like sometimes. Yes, we of course we need to look at the couple, but it was still that person's choice and there was something going on inside of them that drove them to do that. I don't, maybe I'm because I'm in a relationship with four and a bit years and it's my longest relationship and thankfully it's such a happy relationship. But, like I just for me to get to the point of actually cheat with someone. There's so many steps that you would take to get there. So it's like, why didn't you catch it earlier? Like why didn't you do something earlier? Does that make sense? Like you don't just wake up and suddenly cheat someday. There's things that kind of lead to that. Yeah, so we need to reflect on ourselves.

Speaker 2: 30:25

They always say once a cheat, you're always a cheater. Do you feel like in long-term, like if you deal with someone or if you meet someone down the line and they're after cheating in the past, do you feel like people can possibly change? Or just in men in general, I always feel like they're just always the ones to cheat. Very smart. So then a woman.

Speaker 3: 30:46

Mm-hmm, I think, to answer your question, yes, people can change 100%, because again it goes back to look, we're human, people make mistakes. But it's really about the accountability, I think, process and just again, finding out why. Why did it happen? Why were you cheating? So I can give you, like, I suppose, an example.

Speaker 3: 31:11

I and I'm not proud of this, but I went through a little bit of a phase in my early 20s and like I'd have to tell my whole backstory, but I'm not going to but basically really insecure Okay, really insecure. I'd had an abusive relationship. Like I, my self-worth was so low and like that's it was up to me to deal with that, but I wasn't at the time. I didn't even have the words to describe that. And like if I went on a night out and if a guy was interested in me and if I, if he had a girlfriend, like that wouldn't deter me. There was a few months where, like I just didn't care and it wasn't that I wasn't doing it to hurt anyone. I was in such a place of loathe, of esteem that I was literally just taking what came up, like if I, if someone was interested in me, I was like, oh great, someone's interested in me and like if, if, if anyone were to judge me today on those actions, I'd be fucked, I'd never have a relationship again, no one would trust me. But I've never done anything like that again and I can never see myself doing that ever again. They were poor decisions based on really bad experiences and how I felt to myself.

Speaker 3: 32:19

And once I did that work and I felt I did feel remorseful. Now those guys were cheating around. You know, it wasn't like affairs or anything. It was just like, you know, kissing on a night out, that kind of thing. But still it's still not right Now. Did they go and do the work on themselves? I don't know, but I just know that I did and I would never act like that again. So I know I don't know should I be sharing that, but I did. So it's fine Because we're all human.

Speaker 2: 32:46

We're all.

Speaker 3: 32:46

we make mistakes, we all make mistakes Exactly, and I think it's like anything.

Speaker 1: 32:53

I think it's like even people going to therapy to fix situations in their life. They're trying to improve and they do change as a person. So like if you do the work and put in the work, you can change as a person, and then your values and stuff change as well. I feel as oh you so much like.

Speaker 3: 33:10

The empathy skills I have nowadays are just way away from in my early 20s and not that I had no empathy, but I think if you're in a very like dark place yourself, it's really hard to access that and to actually think, oh, okay. So, because sometimes I see this as soon, I've a bit of a problem with it, right? So you know, if, like you know Ariana Grande's day and that whole situation, now I don't know what happened there. I actually have a clue, right. I was just reading that apparently they had started some kind of an affair and whatever you know this with this guy. I don't know. Okay, it's not about these people, I'm just using it as an example. Say, if that's the way it happened, right Now there were people all online like slamming Ariana Grande, calling her all sorts of things.

Speaker 3: 33:58

I don't agree with that. That is not on. And there's such misogyny in that as well. Yeah, 100%. But there's also the other side of it where people were like, okay, but it's not Ariana's responsibility, like he was the one that was married, it's him with the child. She has no responsibility to that child or that woman. And I'm like, okay, I see where you're coming from, but I think that's actually swinging the other direction completely. Where we're like almost it's taken girl power to these places that it doesn't need to go. Where it's like okay, no matter what a woman does, you always defend it, no matter what I'm like no.

Speaker 3: 34:32

I think we can say that, like, that's not a great thing to do, just 100%. You know you're contributing to another woman's pain or you're contributing to the breakup of a family, even though he is definitely he wouldn't in that case, be definitely like the primary person that is at fault. I do agree with that one.

Speaker 3: 34:52

Do you know what I mean? It's just I struggled because then when I think back of myself, I'm like, but sure I could use that excuse. I could be like, oh sure he was in a relationship with someone, but that relationship isn't my problem. But like I'm making an informed choice to be with that person, knowing they're in a relationship, and like, again, that reflects on me and I need to take accountability for that. So, yeah, anyway, that was a tangent.

Speaker 1: 35:14

I love it. So here's another question I got here. This is actually interesting. This is actually something I was going to ask myself. Anyway, how often should couples really be having sex a week, and is there a rule of thumb, or is it different for, like everyone?

Speaker 3: 35:29

Yeah, people, so many of the questions I get are like there's no set answer and people are like just give me a number, okay. So one thing I would say is like when, sometimes, when research is done on this kind of stuff, like I don't always trust the numbers, because I think there is such shame around having not enough sex, because, again, I think the way I don't know what you agree with this, but the way we were brought up as women, again we weren't really thinking about the quality of sex.

Speaker 1: 35:55

I think we learned that the more sex you're having in a relationship, the better it is yeah, like I feel like it's talking to their people, like some people are like oh, we have sex like five times a week, three times a week, and you're like sorry, what? Like? Where do you get time here?

Speaker 3: 36:08

I know I just don't have the time genuinely but like, yeah, so to answer that person's question, we're talking a lot more about this, I think I'm hoping, in a lot more of an open way. Nowadays we're getting there. We always should be focusing on quality rather than quantity. I've worked with couples who are having lots of sex and it's not that great and their relationship is not that strong overall. I work with couples who have sex maybe twice a month and they make time for it and it's amazing and it's a really good, deep, fabulous sexual experience and they feel fulfilled with that. So I know that, looking for a rule of thumb, like a figure that you'll see coming up quite a bit, is the once a week. It seems to kind of like even out across once a week. But you know again, if it is once a week, is it good, is it enjoyable, is it fulfilling, is it fulfilling for you? So I try.

Speaker 3: 37:05

I honestly like the work I do so much. What I do is unlearning stuff and when we kind of throw away those ideas of we should be having sex three times a week, people always come out with that figure. For some reason. They always say three times a week. I'm like there's nothing wrong with that, but like that's actually quite a lot If you're both like working full time or you have kids. You know what I mean. I'm like it's okay if that's not happening for you, like that's absolutely fine. So I would say, just focus on the quality of it and then you can meet somewhere in the middle-ish If you've like. If one partner is like very high libido and one partner not so much, it's just kind of finding that sweet spot and that can take a bit of time. Like that can take a few years as a couple to figure out.

Speaker 2: 37:54

Okay, cool, I have fun here. And it says me and my partner have been together quite a while now, but we've obviously been a lot busy in both of our jobs. She or he, they never said who it is for a message Wants to know if they prefer spontaneous sex or scheduled sex, as it seems to be scheduled a lot lately. What's the pros and cons of each?

Speaker 3: 38:22

Good question. That's a really good question, god. Yeah, this is tested by knowledge now, no, these questions are really good, yeah, so what's the pros and cons of each?

Speaker 1: 38:35

Like.

Speaker 3: 38:35

I'm a big advocate for scheduling intimacy and I know, see the word scheduling, it just freaks people out because they think it's like a chore and it's being put into the diary and it's going to be really, like I know, robotic or like, like they're kind of a thing, like I know, right, we have five minutes, so, yes, come on now. So even if you want to rephrase it, so sometimes I'll say prioritising sex, like that's what you're doing, or prioritising intimacy, or you're making time for it, you don't necessarily need to say like schedule it if you're just like very resistant to that. So the pros, the pros to kind of putting aside time for intimacy, like that there is a lot, so it can build anticipation. So if I know, say it's happening on Saturday, I'm going to hopefully be excited for that. It also gives us time to like get into our bodies.

Speaker 3: 39:29

So sometimes, like before I have sex, I Like if I'm working, I can't just translate from working to having sex, like my nervous system has to settle. I need to get back into my body. I might even want to change my clothes or something. You know, you just Like anything that just brings you back into your body and maybe a bit of deep breathing like it allows for that. It allows you to kind of prepare in a nice sensual way for it. It also is a wonderful way of just like showing up for your relationship, showing up for your partner, you know, really showing that you're prioritising that part of your relationship, and it also tends to lead to more spontaneous experiences. So if you're having I'm just using an example, so say, if you're having a scheduled intimacy, like once a week, and it's really good, you're more likely to want a bit between or want a bit spontaneously.

Speaker 1: 40:27

Okay, yes.

Speaker 3: 40:28

Rather than all or nothing. Yeah, the kinds of scheduling it. I suppose some people just get again really resistant to the word and the feeling of it. And something I find in my work that's a lot about, just about getting over the shoulds that it should be spontaneous, yeah, the more shoulds you get rid of, literally the freer you are, the freer you are to design your self-life whatever way works for the both of you. And then spontaneous, obviously the pros of spontaneous is like it could just be very exciting. Right, it's a different type of exciting. The cons is that for a lot of couples and I can never say all couples for a lot of couples, relying on spontaneity isn't sustainable, like it's just hard. Like we, especially nowadays, I just feel like we've such busy lives, like we're just and we're always on our fucking phones as well.

Speaker 3: 41:26

That's another thing. We're like our lives are just every minute seems to be really filled, which isn't necessarily healthy. So it's kind of hard, I find, especially for women. The spontaneous like I just find the response of tends to connect a lot more with women. So if you're in a male-female relationship, it's good to have a chat about that, about like what maybe you lean more towards? Yeah, so I hope that answers the question there's pros and cons to both.

Speaker 1: 41:57

I feel like is what you were saying as well, with the phone and stuff.

Speaker 1: 42:00

Like I've kind of noticed this, like just in everyday life or last couple of weeks, me and my partner even saying that like it's so important to try for us never want to try like schedule, like a day at night, once a month.

Speaker 1: 42:12

Yes, so we're trying to. That was our goal this year was to try to prioritize that, because two of us are just so busy. He's like I'm going past and saying hi bye, hi bye, and then we're actually not like communicating with each other anymore, we're just sitting on our phones or busy. I'm doing something on my phone because half my work is on my phone. So now what we try to, yeah, so now what I try to do is like we try to go out for a dinner on Saturday night and we're just put our phones away and actually like have a chat and even if, like, we can't afford you that every month or every like week, once a month, even if it's for like a walk or just something, that we just put our phones away just to try connect that like emotionally, not even sexually, we're just to connect back with each other.

Speaker 3: 42:56

Yeah, well, I meant to mention that earlier, but again, there's so many points and I know I'll be after. After every chat, I'm like, oh, I forgot to mention this, but when it comes to desire, it's really important to feel stimulated by each other outside of sex. So I always say that, like you know, sometimes you'll hear people on about their partner and you're like we're just like best friends, we know everything about each other. There's no secrets. I'm like there should be some secrets, not as in secret relationships or secret bank accounts, but like you, you should still feel that your partner is a separate person with their own life and you have your own life, and then you choose to come together and create this relationship right.

Speaker 3: 43:36

So you know, I love finding out something new about my partner. I love when he shares a memory that I haven't heard about before, or when he do you know like anything like that. Or when he shares an opinion on something, like now I'm at Shatterbox anyway and I ask him like what's your opinion list? What do you think of that? But even that, like I said to couples, like okay, if you're meeting after a date, work instead of saying you know how are things, oh, how are you grand? How are you?

Speaker 3: 44:01

You know, be like, what was your favorite part today? Or what was something good about today, what was something bad about you know? Just like change up what you're even asking. Yeah, like trying like trying to get curious about each other, because there's always more to find out, and I think you're right in that. It doesn't have to be like. Date night does not have to be expensive, it doesn't have to be a night out. It can be a walk, it can be a film night at home, it can be cooking dinner for each other or making pizzas together or something you know, just the phones.

Speaker 2: 44:32

The phones are definitely, yeah, definitely so if another question here and it says me and my partner have been together quite a while, um two years to be exact, but I know I have never made her orgasm, can you give me some advice on how I can do so, as I know she's been lying to me?

Speaker 3: 44:53

okay, how do you know she's the lying? That's the first question, right? I'm like if, oh, I'd love to know that, I'd love to question that person, um, they obviously have it. It sounds like she hasn't admitted to lying. If she is lying, it's more than like this person is like I know she's lying. One thing I will say is that, like orgasms actually happen, like they're not as dramatic for everyone all the time, like again, sometimes, the way we see it on porn and stuff is it's like, you know, wailing and moaning and screaming and all that if that's it, that's fine, but like it doesn't always, it's not always like that.

Speaker 3: 45:28

Some people actually go quiet when they orgasm. Like it's a very kind of they actually struggle to release kind of that sound if they tense up. Um, and also if it's because, just because I come across this, I will mention it that there is some men now they're younger, on the younger side, but they feel that if a woman isn't like ejaculating, like basically she's in squirting, she's not orgasming. I'm like, oh my god, no, no, no, this is coming from porn again. Really, yeah, that the two are the same thing and they're not. So I, okay, the first thing is you just have to talk to her. You have to say, look, I have a feeling that you're not enjoying, or you're not maybe having had orgasms. Or just ask, have you had? Have you had, orgasms during our sex together?

Speaker 3: 46:10

Sex isn't all about orgasm, but like, obviously we do like to have them. Um, you know, it's really about getting to the bottom of why she might be pretending a lot of women do, because maybe they don't know exactly what would help the orgasm and instead of kind of they might feel confident in often saying that and figuring it out. They just fake because they feel it's easier, and I'm always like, don't fake them. Like, just don't fake them. Um, it's sex isn't a performance. You know, we're not trying to like perform for the other person. So, um, it could be about figuring out, you know, if she masturbates or she touches herself, what, what feels good in that regard, or if she uses a toy, and then like using that as a starting point, um of of bringing like whatever you do in solo sex, bringing that into like your, your partnered sex.

Speaker 3: 47:05

Um, so there's no tips or tricks and like you're barking up the wrong tree if you're trying to find like techniques and things you can say or do to make someone orgasm, because even that language, like making someone orgasm, it's like giving someone an orgasm. It's more like it's a two person thing, like it is right it's, and the communication has to go both ways. So you have to have that conversation, which is probably um, not what this person. Again, we're always looking for a, a tip or a trick. Now, if you come back and you're like, give me some general tips about you know, like having sex with someone who has a clitoris and a vagina and all those parts there's loads of stuff out there, but I think really this needs to start with communication and honesty okay, this next question quite kind of ties in with she said I'm a middle-aged woman and I don't know if I've actually ever had an orgasm.

Speaker 1: 48:00

Oh yeah, just like. How do I know?

Speaker 3: 48:05

oh, it happens a lot. Um, so how do I know?

Speaker 3: 48:10

it's a tricky one, because often you'll hear oh, you'll know when you know, like if you know, and but for some people, you know, orgasms again aren't this huge release and this like because you know, when we think of orgasm it's like it's like the climax, it's like the sexual energy builds and the pleasure builds and then it just peaks and then it kind of drops off and like that's the way we learn about it. But for some people it it doesn't feel as dramatic a release. Um, I would have to ask this person a lot more questions. Um, you know, it might be a case that she's not maybe fully letting herself go, or letting go because that can be the difficulty with orgasm as well.

Speaker 3: 48:54

Um, it could. There might be something possibly like the pelvic floor there could be. Um, now again, I'm not a pelvic floor specialist, but I know just if there's sometimes there can be muscular issues or like too much tension or not enough tension, that can like have to have kind of affect some pleasure. So, yeah, it's a tricky one, to be honest again, um, what I would say, I want to, actually, I want to give a reading recommendation for listeners. Okay, it's a brilliant book, brilliant book, and there's a whole chapter on orgasm. That's fantastic.

Speaker 3: 49:24

It's called come as you are. Um, which is really clever, come as you are. And it's by Emily Nagoski. Now, if you search come as you are, you'll find it, because it is a groundbreaking book, like it's sold millions of copies. Um, it's amazing. It's amazing. I think everyone should read it. It actually you can get a workbook as well with it. Um, or even, if you want to, just if you're not a reader, if you want to do an audiobook or start with like a podcast episode with Emily Nagoski, like I, just the way she writes is so accessible. It's not really like dense and complex. Yeah, it's sciencey, but you can relate to it. It's like it makes sense, so read that.

Speaker 2: 50:04

Start by reading that, yeah me and my partner are trying to offer sex lives, and he's mentioned a couple of times three songs. Do you recommend this and, if so, can I have a bit more information? As a don't want? Some of us younger and swore I'd never do it again um, yeah, all three songs are not created equal.

Speaker 3: 50:29

Definitely, like you could have a really bad like with like with sex. Like you could have really bad sex. You could have really good sex. Um, I suppose with a three some. Obviously there's three people involved, so it's not just even two, it's like it's like communicating between three people, communicating boundaries and what you like, what you don't like. All of that, um, like what this person is saying, is that like he has suggested it right? So I would be asking I don't know.

Speaker 3: 50:55

I feel like it's more of a man thing, isn't it? I think sometimes it's seen as just this like go-to thing for, like spicing up your sex life, and I'm like there's probably a lot of stuff you can do before you do that unless you actually want it. Like I'm not hearing a lot of enthusiasm on her side because the fact that she's asking would I recommend, like I'm not going to recommend a threesome, like that's not, I can't do that. Like no one should be saying to you oh, you should have one or you shouldn't have one. Like no one. You know what I mean.

Speaker 2: 51:25

it's like okay, they all have different emotions, don't we?

Speaker 3: 51:29

Yeah, and how does it make you? Does it make you feel excited? Is there a curiosity there? That's fine, okay, and it's. If you are going to have a threesome, I would say, really set those boundaries with your partner beforehand. I would even start slower. I would be like you know, it could be just even chatting someone online or like you know, just something where you're bringing another person, but not necessarily full on like sex. If you want to kind of ease yourself into it more and see what your comfort level is like, then Sometimes people in vision threesome that they're going to be exactly like again in porn and everyone's just going to.

Speaker 3: 52:04

They're like synchronized swimmers, like everyone's just going to know what to do and when to do it and it's all going to be a pleasure all around and it just like with, like partner sex. It takes communication and one thing I notice as well that I just want to touch on is like finding someone for a threesome, right? Who do you have that threesome with? And remembering that they're not like a prop to spice up your relationship, they're not like a toy to play with. They are a person and you know what I mean.

Speaker 3: 52:34

I just think sometimes like threesome can be amazing. God don't get me wrong. It's just like, don't approach it like as if it's this like kind of porno scenario. Really think that this is a whole other human being with their own likes and dislikes and boundaries and their own history and everything. So, look, they can be great, but I think a good bit more reflection and communication is needed, probably before this person dabbles in that. But, like, if you decide to, I don't know, what do you think you're probably like you might agree or disagree with me. Um, what do you think?

Speaker 2: 53:13

I personally, don't think um if I'm with somebody or in general, like when you love someone. I just don't see the need to want that. I know a lot of people think differently. Like I said, we have different thoughts, people have different opinions. For me, no, like if I'm with someone I want them to myself, so I don't necessarily want them going elsewhere like it's.

Speaker 2: 53:36

In my eyes, I kind of see it as a little bit of cheating, but not I don't know now. My opinion could change as I get older years to come, I don't know, but that's just how I feel about it. I just me personally. I just couldn't see myself being in that situation.

Speaker 1: 53:54

Yeah, I just, I just would want to share.

Speaker 2: 53:57

I'm like no, it's mine yeah, but that's fair and again, I don't feel like it's something that I'd want to do like. I just like, if you love someone, if they love you, and like vibrance someone else seems to be a equation, and if you do feel like that there needs to be a little spice up, then it can be worked on together instead of like you're sacred and someone in like a prop, as you know, yeah.

Speaker 3: 54:22

I think that's fair, like in regards to you saying, look, I again that wouldn't be for me. Like that's not something that you know, I want them to myself. I totally get that and I think that, again, with the sex positivity, there's nothing wrong with not wanting threesomes. But another thing that comes up is like it's okay if you also don't like rough sex, because now there's this expectation that girls and women have to be into all of this like really aggressive sex and if you are great, if you're not, fine. Like it literally there's no right or wrong.

Speaker 3: 54:50

It's all about making informed decisions that feel good for you and consent and communication and like I would say that you know when you said there, if you love someone, why bring someone else in and like that again, that applies to so many relationships. But I suppose to just highlight as well that, like, love and sex are actually different things and although they can come together in the way a lot of us would know that, when you love someone, you sex them and that makes total sense. But for some people it that's actually not the way they see it. They actually see it as something not completely separate necessarily, but something they can maybe enjoy in a different way, but still have that love. But a lot of work goes into that. So yeah, you know, it's really really finding what's right for you.

Speaker 3: 55:35

Um, it's just your own mindset of the different things and that yeah, yeah, and it's not something I would just like jump into without even thinking about it. Um, I mean, obviously, if it happens organically in some situation, fine, but generally it doesn't right. So it's, um, yeah, more reflection, more communication between the two of them.

Speaker 1: 55:57

First, I think yeah, right last one. Are there any new sex trends that you see today? Sex?

Speaker 3: 56:07

trends. Um oh my god, that's such a good question.

Speaker 2: 56:11

Um sorry, I think after 50 shades of gray everyone yeah yeah, I think, do you know what?

Speaker 3: 56:19

I'll actually touch on that because I even just mentioned it there, um, um, so we'll just call it rough sex. I don't know, does that term even I don't really love that term in itself, but anyway, like people know it often as as rough sex. Um, it's been around forever. Like anything we see nowadays, unless it involves technology, it's usually not something new. So when we think of gay people, trans people, they've been around for since since people have existed, these variations between people exists because we're all different, we're all diverse, um same with sex. Like people think, oh, more people are gay, now I'm like, no, they're not, they're just being open about it and they have more language to be like. Actually, I'm bisexual, I'm not, I'm not gay.

Speaker 3: 57:04

Whenever it is right, we're kind of aggression during sex. It's just something. I've noticed that like there's absolutely nothing wrong with it if it's done in a way that's consensual and both people are genuinely uncomfortable with that, but I'm seeing it as nearly an expectation nowadays. Um, you know, even research is showing that, like girls you know who are having their first sexual experiences are having really rough, aggressive, first sexual experiences without proper consent, which is sad and it's scary because I can honestly say, when I was 17 whatever age 18 I, um, I was worried about sex in the way everyone is like will it hurt, which is the whole of the conversation will I get pregnant or, um, will I have my own issues? Because I had vaginismus and like I had a lot of pain and whatnot. But you know, we all had those worries that are passed on to us, but I didn't have to worry.

Speaker 3: 57:56

Am I going to be choked, you know, or am I going to be like slapped during sex, whereas now that seems to be an expectation, nearly like it's becoming like the norm and while, as I said, there's nothing wrong with it in a consensual way, but it's it shouldn't be the again the the expectation like that, that women just love all women love rough sex and like, yeah, it's, yeah, it's just something I noticed. That's a bit worrying, um interesting.

Speaker 1: 58:27

Yeah, it's like to bring awareness, isn't it?

Speaker 2: 58:30

like for a young girl or someone that's experienced it for the first time to experience it in that way.

Speaker 3: 58:36

Yeah, try to tell you something like yeah, yeah because, god, even thinking of myself like I'm 31 now and like obviously I work in this area, but even thinking of myself in my early 20s, like I'm technically well, like I'm an adult at that point, but like I still didn't have proper language around consent, around boundaries, around speaking up for myself, um, so, like introducing anything quite rough, like even with choking, right, like you know, there's ways that it can be done safely and there's ways that it can actually cause harm. You know, if you're pressing on someone's windpipe, you can, you can really really cause harm. You could, technically, you could kill someone if it went really wrong, whereas you're supposed to like put, put gentle pressure at first on the sides of the neck. But you know, and you don't see that in porn, you don't know are they squeezing the front of the neck or the back of the side of the neck? So again, it's like and I know sometimes people are horrified that like this even comes up in schools.

Speaker 3: 59:32

But I'm like, well, it's being asked, so we have to answer it because this is what they're seeing and this is what they're under pressure sometimes to do. So it is quite sad because you know, again, as as adults could do whatever they want. They can consent to whatever they want. They they have to inform themselves. But when you're first starting out having sexual experiences, I just want them all to be like lovely and pleasurable and gentle and communicative, and then, if you want to explore other stuff, do that in time as you get more experience and more comfortable, um yeah, with yourself. So that's just something that's coming up.

Speaker 1: 1:00:12

I don't always that negative or positive in a positive way.

Speaker 3: 1:00:15

I think people are more open to like kick in general okay, kicks, which is great.

Speaker 3: 1:00:20

I think that's fantastic at this idea that we all have to have sex in missionary and you know that's just and be telling other we love each other all the time like it's really romantic, it's lovely, but, like god, sex can happen in so many different ways and so many different things turn people on yeah, there's not just one side stuff, it's all like it depends on the couple and the person, and everyone's different yeah and some days you might really want like there's some days I really want that like love, a lovely dummy, like kissy kind of like tender, like intimacy. And then there's other days where I'm like, no, I need a bit firmer now, like I just like feel it, you know, I want to be touched in a different way, um. So there's a bit there and like just checking in with your own body and and how you're feeling and and again communicating, actually like expressing what you want, um. So yeah, there is. I think we're getting there with being a bit more sex positive, being being more open, um.

Speaker 3: 1:01:16

But we need to talk about um when I say sex positive and like even being on this podcast is fantastic because, again, it's normalizing it but, yeah, as well as just talking about like because you know in the media you'll see loads of stuff on sex toys and orgasms and like, all of this spicy stuff which is foul but I think we need more conversations about the difficulties and the things that can go wrong and that desire. Differences are not just for married couples that are married 20 years. They happen in couples in their 20s. Um, pain during sex is not just for women in menopause. It happens women of all ages. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1: 1:01:55

it's, yeah, just normalizing that's, yeah, that's that's what we wanted you on the podcast. We wanted to speak about it and say like a normal conversation and not that has to be like, you know, be ashamed or frightened of it or, you know, to bring awareness to the people listening that people can have issues in their sex life doesn't mean that there's something wrong with them. They're human beings, you know, it's okay if you want more sex. It's okay if someone doesn't. You just have to communicate and open up and it's about, as you said, like chatting to your partner and deciding what you both want. Everyone's sex, like a sex life, is different. One one time a week might be one person, once a month might be another person. That's really fine as well. So that's why you've been so informative and you've definitely educated us on this little session. So thank you so much for coming on, thank you we're definitely impressed yeah.

Speaker 1: 1:02:50

So to finish off this this week's episode, I have a little diss or that for you, so it's just a little valentine's this or that, and since you're in a couple, this will work for you. Ah, okay, so would you rather have a big wedding or a low? Oh uh, oh god um, I gotta say big okay, spend a rainy day indoors or explore the city together um, oh, actually like a rainy day indoors.

Speaker 3: 1:03:21

Yeah, I love that actually, yeah share a hobby or have separate hobbies have separate hobbies yeah, dress fancy or dress in sweatpants oh, I'm always in sweatpants these days, but I do like no, I'm a girly girl at heart, so I'm gonna say dress fancy yeah, challenge each other, or always agree oh, challenge, challenge, challenge, oh challenge applies every day okay, and the last one have an honest partner or have a supportive partner oh god, um, it's a good one, isn't it?

Speaker 3: 1:04:02

you kind of need both. Yeah, you kind of need both. Um, um, honest honesty is so important. Yeah, I but.

Speaker 1: 1:04:11

I saw a support, but I think I go honest.

Speaker 3: 1:04:14

I don't know um, I guess I might pick supportive if, by honest, there's just a few white lines here or there, like it's not, it's not a major, because, um, I've had relationships where they were not supporting it's just one person doing all the work and like that's not a relationship. So I don't, it's, that's a tough one. I I just have to say both sorry, both for that one.

Speaker 1: 1:04:37

Okay, so we. So, if people want to get in contact with you, what is your social media website? Tell us a bit about where people want to book into a one-on-one session or a couple session with you. Yeah fabulous.

Speaker 3: 1:04:49

So Instagram is easy. Yes, so Grace Alice O'Shea um, you should find me there now. My website is grace Alicecom. Like if you sign up to my newsletter and I promise I only send out about, I'd say, for a year so. I only send some out if I have like an offer, so you won't get loads of loads of emails from me. You can book in through the website and I have an offer running. I'm just running the offer for Valentine's weeks.

Speaker 3: 1:05:16

Um, but yeah, that's. How people can book in is through the website grace Alicecom. Um, or send me an email at info at grace Alicecom. Um, yeah, that's it really perfect.

Speaker 1: 1:05:26

Well, thank you so much for having us on. That was really enjoyable. Yeah, thank you, not at all, so make sure you go check her out if you're looking for some excellent expert advice. And thank you everyone for tuning in for this week and we will see you next week. Bye.