Unfortunately, many voices tell us there are problems that we need to fix when things in our lives start to become out of our control.
It is usually impossible to completely ignore the voices in our heads. 😏
Instead, there is a way to hear it and create a strategy of coping with it.
In this episode, I will walk you through my process for hearing out the voices and moving past what they are saying.
Those steps are:
Hearing the voice and not normalizing what it is saying.
Ask yourself what else is going on in your life that is potentially causing stress.
What would I do if I needed to face what was happening in my life?
What is a small step that I can take?
By the end of this episode, my aim is for you to not only hear those voices, but to anticipate their messages and take proactive steps to show them that they hold no power over you.
You are in control of your self-talk, and you can choose to let it empower you, not hinder you. 💪
Unfortunately, many voices tell us there are problems that we need to fix when things in our lives start to become out of our control.
It is usually impossible to completely ignore the voices in our heads. 😏
Instead, there is a way to hear it and create a strategy of coping with it.
In this episode, I will walk you through my process for hearing out the voices and moving past what they are saying.
Those steps are:
Hearing the voice and not normalizing what it is saying.
Ask yourself what else is going on in your life that is potentially causing stress.
What would I do if I needed to face what was happening in my life?
What is a small step that I can take?
By the end of this episode, my aim is for you to not only hear those voices, but to anticipate their messages and take proactive steps to show them that they hold no power over you.
You are in control of your self-talk, and you can choose to let it empower you, not hinder you. 💪
Hi and welcome to the air we breathe. I'm your host, heather Sayers-Layman. I'm a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and Certified Personal Trainer. I help you get organized and consistent with healthy habits, without rules, obsession or exhaustion. The air we breathe the finding well being that works for you is a podcast created to help you establish a trusted foundation of doable, healthy habits and smart self care skills that can endure every season and last you a lifetime. My guest and I will share ways that you can focus on your physical and mental health with purpose, flexibility and ease. This podcast may contain talk about eating disorders and disordered eating. We minimize mentions of specific behaviors and numbers, but it's still a topic nonetheless. There also could be some swears and or adult language here. Choose wisely if those are problematic for you. Hi, everyone, welcome to this episode of the Air we Breathe.
Speaker 1:
Quick announcement I got Invisalign again. I had it several to many years ago and it was fine, and I have worn my retainer religiously. I miss maybe one or two days a month, so I wear it every night. But I have one very snaggly tooth. It just wants to snaggle again and I am determined to wrestle him into obedience. So I'm doing a month of I think they call it a refinement. Also, they do this thing where you know, oh, okay, I've got to like polish this tooth a little, and I was like, okay, like, oh, I've got to like polish this tooth a little. And I was like, okay, like, oh, I'm thinking polish. But I just talked to somebody about the fact that they were going to like file down a couple teeth just to give a little more room, and then so she basically used what I would say, is it like a metal nail file between my teeth, like filing it, and I told her she really should amend the vernacular around polishing because that is nail filing. I'm sure she really took that to heart and will start telling people like I'm going to use a metal file on your teeth so they're not surprised when you use a metal file on your teeth. Anyway, it just changes my voice, makes my S's a little extra S-y for a while.
Speaker 1:
Today I really wanted to talk about something that I definitely struggle with and just among my inner circle I know it's problematic for them as well it's really having the voice. So, being in eating disorder recovery, like I call this my eating disorder voice and this is a voice that he, he sits on the committee in my head. So there's a lot of voices like little Heather, go my mom's voice in there, go my dad's voice in there, you know, throw in like a not nice ex-boyfriend. There's a lot of voices on the committee. So at times we become confused and don't listen to what I would call our wise self. We listen to the other voices. That, boy I'd say, they're never really helpful. They're not like you, go, girl, you're doing so good. They're not like you, go, girl, you're doing so good. They're like oof, you know what's a problem.
Speaker 1:
So I get upticks in, I would say currently, years and years of body dysmorphia and, um, I mean, it's just poor body image, um, but it's also, oh my gosh. It just comes up like in a helpful way, like, um, I always picture my eating disorder voice as a guy. And you know, when somebody like pops their head in through a doorway and just like, oh, hey, like, I always like see him like that, because of course I'm never like, oh great, this guy. So he pops his head in and he's just got something to say like hey, did you notice that your jeans felt tighter today? Hey, did you notice that your jeans felt tighter today? Yeah, they definitely looked tighter. So, you know, just wanted to bring that to your attention. Okay, bye. And then I have to like well, they are kind of tighter, like, but what does you know? And then sometimes rabbit hole ensues sometimes not what I have found with myself, certainly over the years, because this narrative is so common for me and so long standing, I have kind of learned, like what he is doing.
Speaker 1:
And you know, to back up a little bit, I know a lot of people that work in body image and body acceptance and some people are like, oh my gosh, I don't even think about it anymore, like I'm doing so great and this has worked for me and it's just not even a problem. Which man kudos to you and I'm glad that that is really working for you. Um, I don't necessarily have that and I don't expect to have that. I just don't know that. You know I'm 53 years old and certainly started thinking about my body a lot more, you know, like 14-ish, as most women do. So I just don't know I can have 40 years of this and then just be like, oh my gosh, I forgot that I used to worry about my body. It's so weird. Yeah, I don't forgot that I used to worry about my body. That's so weird. Yeah, I don't know the last time I worried about my body. I just don't think that that's realistic.
Speaker 1:
I think for me it is more of tuning in, to be like okay, like what's going on here, and not kind of going down rabbit holes where I'm changing my behavior. I definitely can go down rabbit holes where I'm like thinking about it more. I have gotten to the point where I don't change what I do. I don't think it's time for a cleanse. I don't think it's time to change my diet. I don't think it's time to add exercise. I don't think it's time to track. So I don't react to it. I hear it and I think that I just don't expect that I'll never hear it. I expect that I won't react to it and I hope that I keep figuring out sooner and sooner, like this guy's not actually the problem.
Speaker 1:
So what I absolutely know, when I've got different types of stress that are popping up, that are more out of my control, what my brain does is like, ooh, let's not think of what's out of your control, let's think of what's in your control, which my brain is also wrong, like your body. We could definitely whip up some plants, we can really tighten things up, we can do all kinds of things, and all of which is really not true anyway. But that voice seems like it takes over the voices of like I don't know if people are going to like this webinar you're doing. I don't know if this client is going to come back. I'm not sure you know about this newer project that's experimental, how that's going to go, and there are so many variables about my work that are out of my control and I don't like it. It's just sort of part of the deal but I don't like it.
Speaker 1:
But what our brains can absolutely fault to is okay. What can I control here? And that also can be on things I'm not ready to act, on things I don't really want to acknowledge, stuff I've swept under the rug and now my rug is very lumpy. It's about time I need to pay attention to it. So you know there are a lot of pieces, but I just wanted to walk you through a process that I do. That helps me see that what I'm fretting about is not the problem, and how do I attend to the problem?
Speaker 1:
More so the first piece that was really helpful to me is to just hear that voice and and to not normalize it, because I think that's easy to do is like hear this voice and be like okay, well, I guess we're just going to talk about my love handles now, or how tight my pants are or how awful I look in this picture, whatever it may be, and that is an absolute normal. It almost becomes a hobby because it's so ingrained, because culturally it's so ingrained that we should be monitoring our bodies, we should be changing our bodies. We need to keep up. You know the appearance, you know how close are we to the ideal body. So that is a huge cultural message that we have heard forever.
Speaker 1:
Because I also always want to point out like this isn't like a you problem, this is a you existing, existing in our society problem. So the piece about hearing it is just to almost take a step back and like okay, like you know who, who is talking here, like what is going on. And a lot of people that do kind of parts work in therapy certainly like to suss out like who is saying this, like to suss out like who is saying this. So when I hear eating disorder guy pop up, I don't go like, oh, you know, that's just eating disorder guy talking. I have to like actually hear it and listen to, like what is the problem? My genes, that is what you're perceiving as the problem. Okay, or because I ate this or because I ate that, because that narrative I don't want to normalize. I want to hear that and be like, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, like I'm going to get involved in this because we're not going down any rabbit holes and we're certainly not going to change anything. So I really just try to listen and you know kind of see what the overall message is.
Speaker 1:
And then the second thing that I do is I ask myself what else is going on right now in my life? What else is going on right now in my life? Because what I know is I am comfortable with that voice. Like I know that guy, you know kind of really what he's going to say, what his problem is going to be, what his overall attitude is. That is I know that and fortunately, or unfortunately, that's comfortable. Like oh, yeah, yeah, that guy's been like riding my butt for a long time.
Speaker 1:
So I try to really suss out what else is going on. Is this a work stress thing. Like I just had a couple of weeks that were super busy with new content and recorded some things that were really important and not in my control. When I do my own podcast, like I pretty much like know what I'm going to say and if I don't like the way it sounded, like then I can record it again. So it's within my control and, as I was talking about before, like some work projects are not in my control. I don't know what somebody is going to ask me and the you know, recovering perfectionist in me is like like what are the questions? Because I need to study everything, all the things that I don't know what the questions are. So if there's especially something that's going on that I can't control, I know that eating disorder guy likes to pop in and say like, oh, you can't control this, but I'll tell you what you control your waist, something super stupid like that. Cause he's a super stupid guy.
Speaker 1:
Um, although I I I shouldn't just completely trash talk eating disorder guy, he kept me safe for a very long time and kept me in my tribe because my appearance was important within this tribe and there was a lot of chaos. There was a lot of highly unpredictable scenarios, especially like when I lived at home with my mom and you just never knew what you're going to get. So eating disorder guy is kind of part of a team that worked together that really like, okay, here's what's going on. We need to be cute, we also need to be sexually attractive, we do need to get good grades and then kind of excel in some kind of activity. So they had formed a successful plan for me of how to stay off the radar and out of the crosshairs. So succeeding in those areas was very beneficial to me and I appreciate myself for creating that. So back to my point again, I shouldn't talk bad about eating disorder guy. He's doing his job. He's just doing his job and he thinks he doesn't kind of understand like I've kind of grown now and I really don't need a mentor in this area anymore and now you're actually not helpful, you're hurting me. It's not in his purview to understand that.
Speaker 1:
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Speaker 1:
So I think that it can be very beneficial to look at what other stress or anxiety do I have right now. So I had all that work stuff and I could absolutely tell like okay, where's the control in this? Like not much, and that makes me very uncomfortable, and then reverting to body or food is much more comfortable. There are other things with which I don't have control. I'm helping my son move to California. I'm'm in Arizona Day after tomorrow we leave, and he's 23. He went to school, he did his thing and now he's moving into this little adult life of his as he should.
Speaker 1:
And I don't have the same anxiety around this because I mean don't get me wrong there's anxiety about my son moving a plane ride away from me, but I look at it differently because I have been working on letting go for a very long time. It's not that I'm going to love this scenario. I love that he will be where he wants to be and trying new things and doing what he wants to do. But I have never framed anything. As you know, he needs to stay with me forever, or I don't want you to go, or I mean I have created a lot of autonomy within my sons and independence, so that they are thinking on their own and doing things on their own, and I've always wanted that for them. So him leaving is sort of part of a long-term plan of like, yeah, he's going to do that, he's going to leave, and I want him to and I'll miss him. So all of those things exist at the same time. So that anxiety has created.
Speaker 1:
There's like a project manager on my committee as well who's like okay, well, let me get this organized, so those things I can control. So the control piece comes in with that anxiety in planning. Because of that I can do something about. Um, I didn't make a spreadsheet, but I do have a page in notes. Could be worse. Uh, just of things that I would think of, like oh, don't forget, don't forget, we need to make sure to put this pillow in the cab of the truck. Um, but definitely take a different pillowcase, because just things that I very random things, um.
Speaker 1:
So I suss out like, okay, I look at the. Okay, I know I've got this. Okay, I know I've got this Lucas stress, I know I've got this work stress. And then I suss out like, okay, that it's not the Lucas stress that's really causing me to reach for a different coping mechanism, because I got my planning coping mechanism that is working just fine. But I think it's this work stress that is bringing up this eating disorder voice and this is not helping me. I do not want to be thinking about my body or food.
Speaker 1:
So the next piece I think about is okay. So if I need to face the scenario that is creating stress and anxiety and a feeling of being out of control, like what would I do? And with this I do have an upcoming episode talking about the trans-theoretical model, and it's just a model of how people change their behaviors. It's fairly simple, but I'll talk about it in more detail. But it looks at where we are in, our readiness to change, and the first phase is pre contemplation, where we're not even thinking about it. This is not a problem, this is nothing I even want to change. Like next, not, not, not concerned. And then contemplation is like, ooh, this might be a thing, I think this might be something I need to change, um, and I'm going to, I'm going to start thinking about that and then planning as I'm creating my plan of how I'm going to change this. And then action is I'm putting my plan into play and then there's maintenance of like, okay, my plan has been going for a while, and there's also relapse of ooh man, I was doing that plan and then it sort of fell apart and hopefully we go back into planning again and then action. So what I know, certainly from talking to a lot of people, we look at areas too that we actually do have some control over and we're not ready to make a change. So it almost gets perceived as I don't have any control over it, because changing it or controlling it would be a lot.
Speaker 1:
There's a lot of dynamics, a lot of moving parts, a lot of people involved. So I will say a very common one that I hear about is relationship, marriage, parent to my children issues, because if you reach a point where you're like this is not working, nothing is changing. I've tried all of these things. I'm not happy, I don't like being here. It's soul sucking. Whatever, there's a lot of narratives, but changing that oh my gosh, cause, we've got kids, we might have a house, we've got all of these shared things we got to get legal life for the kids would have to change. There's a there are a lot of moving parts there. Life for the kids would have to change.
Speaker 1:
There's a there are a lot of moving parts there and that might feel so overwhelming that, yeah, thinking about, um, if I want to change my lunch or find a lighter salad dressing, cause I definitely need to be having more salads, or you know what to do about these saddlebags solids or you know what to do about these saddlebags, it's a much easier conversation to have in your head because you're like, uh-huh, yeah, I could do this. I've walked through this a lot of times, so not a problem. So with that I mean if it's a you know, a relationship issue, a big issue, it's a job, or it's thinking about going no contact with a parent because you just can't do it anymore, facing like a major medical crisis. There are a lot of different things. That can be something that you're like I see you, but I don't, I'm not ready to deal with you, which also I will say about my son. I absolutely have been honest with myself and like we are shoving this down until this move is done and I will more successfully deal with it then I should caveat my my first answer, because I've got a lot of business. I've got two days of driving and then setting up the apartment and once that's done then we'll see how I feel about letting go.
Speaker 1:
Anywho, when we look at that piece of like, okay, this whole thing is just too much. You know, we certainly can even rate ourselves Like where am I? Am I in the place? That's like, no, there's not even a problem here. Am I just in absolute denial about what's going on? Or I acknowledge the problem, and yes, I definitely need to do something about it. Or am I preparing and planning, and yes, there is a problem, and here are the first three things I want to do about it. Or am I putting into action and putting these three things into play? Or have I already been doing it?
Speaker 1:
So you kind of like assess yourself and see where you are, because where you are doesn't make any commitment to what you need to do next or where you go or what you change. It's just acknowledging to yourself, because one of the things that can take up a lot of emotional bandwidth is lying to yourself, because there's a lot of tap dancing, there's a lot of plate spinning, there's a lot of telling different tales about what's actually going on that are not beneficial at all. That are not beneficial at all. So, really, just being honest about if I were ready to face this, if I were ready to make a change, like, what would I do? Because it doesn't commit you to doing anything, but it is like okay, if it's a relationship, maybe I need to talk to attorney about this, because you know, split seas of everything.
Speaker 1:
I don't know how it works. I don't know how it works in our state, I don't know. The only thing I'm picturing right now is just living in a cardboard box, um, but with um looking and talking to the people in the legal system, like that might not be true at all, or it might be true. So, but it's good to know, because then you have facts and you're not just making up stories. Um, and maybe it's, you know, having another conversation with your partner and you know here's how I'm feeling. You know, just kind of getting real there or it's having a conversation with them about.
Speaker 1:
You know I really want to move on to the next step, but just trying to look at if I'm we're going to face it like, what would that look like? And that can be, you know I was talking about business stuff if I were to like really kind of get serious and start like journaling through that of like, okay, these things. You know you're doing this webinar for this group and, yeah, you don't have control of it, you don't know who's going to be there, you don't know how the content be received. But if I were really going to face that, what would I do? And for me in that scenario, I would definitely journal about my personal beliefs and my personal values of why I talk about what I talk about. And I've already made a commitment that I'm not bending these values, and part of what I do now is talk about it. I talk about weight inclusivity and I talk about taking dieting out of corporate wellness programs and the harm it does, and so that makes it a lot easier for me, because then I'm just reminding myself of why I'm doing what I'm doing, and then the final step is really saying like what is a small step that I could do to move forward here?
Speaker 1:
So in the relationship, it might be just thinking about it more. So in the relationship, it might be just thinking about it more. It might be I'm going to start journaling about this more and maybe I'm going to shred those pages when I'm done. Or it could be meeting with an attorney. It could be having that conversation, whatever, like what is the next smallest step that feels palatable for me? And in business, it could be, you know, meeting up with some other people who work in the same manner and have had success and just getting some info from them of, like, what worked for you when you were trying to change and was that hard and did you have doubts, you know, just getting more information.
Speaker 1:
But I think, figuring out that next step and then maybe even giving yourself a timeline to do that next step, and that timeline could be yeah, I'm going to look at that again in a year. That timeline could be yeah, I'm going to reach out to some people today, because you set your own timeline and there shouldn't be any external forces that are making you do something right now. Because if there are things that are happening that make you want to do something right now, that's very different than just putting internal pressure, like if things are dangerous, like that has its own timeline that you are in charge of. So again, I think that this just pops up for a lot of people, this whole, you know, body and food narrative, and I think it feels normal and it feels like, oh well, you know this feels like a Tuesday, but absolutely we can intervene.
Speaker 1:
And, like I said, the four steps of really hearing it first and listening to what's going on, you know, separating yourself a little bit but also asking yourself is there anything else going on that I might be using this to feel more in control? And then the third piece if I were to face it, like what would I do? And then the last piece like what is a small step that I can take that I can implement and on what timeline and on what timeline? So hopefully that gives you a little food for thought, that maybe you don't have to listen to this all the time and maybe you can start to peel the onion about what is going on here, like how did this become my hobby? And it doesn't mean you change everything overnight, it doesn't mean like, oh, that never happens again, but it means you are putting some mental energy into how can I alleviate some of this and give myself back some peace and give myself back some bandwidth that I am wasting on this topic. Well, best of luck to you, and you can always let me know how it's going by reaching out on Instagram, or you can go to my website, heathersayerslaymancom and fill out a contact form. So I'm always curious about how you actually work these things out and what it looks like for you.
Speaker 1:
You Thanks so much for listening today. Do you know what would be really fun? If you popped over to my Instagram at Heather Sayers Lehman and dropped me a DM and let me know what topics you want me to cover? Something bugging you, something holding you up? Please just let me know and I will tweak some content and get an episode out just for you. As always, please follow show or you can leave a five star review on Apple or Spotify. That would be fun to see in the next episode.
