The guilt button absolutely has urgency in it, because if somebody is like laying out the guilt trip, like it feels like I'm supposed to say something now I feel like I should be doing something, which that doing something could be saying yeah, let me check out a couple of things and I'll get back to you. Hi, and welcome to the Air ReBreathe finding well-being that works for you. I'm your host, heather Sayers-Layman. I'm a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and Certified Personal Trainer. I help you get organized and consistent with healthy habits, without rules, obsession or exhaustion, and consistent with healthy habits without rules, obsession or exhaustion. This podcast may contain talk about eating disorders and disordered eating. There could also be some adult language here. Choose wisely if those are problematic for you. Hi and welcome to the Air we Breathe.
Speaker 1:
I wanted to talk about something that's a piece of building resilience. Today and I feel like resilience got talked about a lot, especially peak pandemic, and many people are confused because it's used in a really very wide and big way. Resilience is just our ability to withstand stress. There can be a narrative at times that we'll just get rid of all the stress. I don't find that particularly realistic and I think that learning to cope with stress can be much better because we'll just we'll never have no stress. I mean because even if you lived alone on a deserted island, you would have stress. How do I get some fish? I'm getting a lot of sunburns, like it's stressful. I think that resilience can be a very beneficial piece because it's nothing we learned in school. Sometimes you learn it from the school of hard knocks and having really bad things happen to you and that's how you become really resilient, because you make it through those things. But I do a four week course on resilience and really deep diving into the literature. There are a lot of different pieces that go into building resilience.
Speaker 1:
Today I want to talk about learning to say no, and you may be high fiving yourself, or you may be high-fiving yourself, or you may be hitting the stop play button because you're like, oh, that's not possible for me. Or you're like, slam dunk, I do it all the time. But this can be very hard for a lot of social reasons. I'd say, certainly, as a woman, I was not brought up to say no, I was brought up to do well in school be cute, be quiet, out of sight, definitely don't make any waves, and learning to say no would fit into the don't make any waves portion. To say no would fit into the don't make any waves portion. So the piece about it is it allows you to take some control over certain parts of your life. And when I talk about learning to say no, these aren't like willy nilly oh, you know, it'd be really fun. It is a piece that, when your head is barely above water, it can be essential to say no because you don't need to try to carry something else when you're treading water. It can also be a key to not getting to a place where we are treading water, especially if you've been in that place. Hopefully you're like no, thank you. What contributed to me getting there and maybe over committing was something that got you there and you're trying to do something different now.
Speaker 1:
A lot of talk around saying no I wouldn't even say talk, I would say self-talk around saying no is it feels selfish because you were raised to be helpful and polite and making things easier on other people. So saying no like talk about upsetting the apple cart Rude. So the selfish narrative is definitely out there and at times, saying no can actually allow you to try new things. Maybe you have been doing something and you know it's not working for you. You want to try something different, but you've got to say no to that old thing to be able to have the time, space, bandwidth to try something different.
Speaker 1:
Always saying yes is also not necessarily healthy. Certainly, we're raised to be people pleasers and worry about other people's needs well in front of our own needs, which can leave us burnt out, resentful, bitter, tired, like definitely not at our best because we're too busy making sure everybody else is at their best, which doesn't serve anyone. Like, oh boy, here comes bitter Heather. She's going to help me, but boy am I going to hear about it? Blah, blah, blah. So I think changing your own narrative, if you struggle with it, that saying yes isn't always a healthy choice for you, because by default it does seem like the best choice, but it's not always.
Speaker 1:
Saying yes can kind of like be hard because it affects other people and you have to deal with their blowback. Whether it's a guilt trip, it's a woe is me, it's a anger Like what am I supposed to do now? Or somebody is keeping score somewhere and this is going to get thrown in your face again later. I think those are very valid reasons why it's hard to say no, because who wants to listen to a guilt trip or, you know, have the uncomfortable comments about the fact that you're not being helpful? Nobody, nobody does. But there can be consequences to saying no. But the bottom line really is if you don't take care of yourself, who will? Is, if you don't take care of yourself, who will? Because if you have had periods of self-neglect, putting everybody else first, did someone step in and say you know what you are doing too much. Let me handle a lot of this. Go to the couch, grab yourself a snack, relax, relax, watch a movie? No, no. And that's what I find.
Speaker 1:
For many people who started to say no, what they knew would probably happen and that nobody was going to step up to help them was so disappointing, because it's one thing to imagine like well, if I don't do this, nobody will, and if I'm not taking care of myself, like nobody's going to jump in and help me. So I have watched that play out in real time, where all of those thoughts that were just thoughts are confirmed as facts and that can be really painful and hard to deal with. I also always say yes, that fact was a fact, because you knew it was a fact. You just never tested it to see if it was a fact. But we're smart and we have good intuition and it is easy to know when something is true.
Speaker 1:
So I've watched a lot of people either unload some responsibility and then just pouting Like there's a lot of you know. Woe is me. I have to do more things, because saying no to certain people or things like doesn't benefit them. It makes their life quote unquote harder. That they just have responsibility, which, when somebody is crying about having responsibility, I don't have a ton of empathy for that Because like uh-huh, yeah, we all have responsibilities. So let's dive into when to say no. Well, that was more of a why to say no. Most of the time there's a little voice. Whether you're listening to that voice or not, there's a little voice that's like uh, not another thing, like I can't do it. I just can't do it. And then we're like shh, be quiet.
Speaker 1:
I've got to say yes here, but focusing on what matters the most, which I absolutely think, if I am of service to my family and my work, I really do need to be my best self Because, again, if I'm like kind of sulky or angry or really burnt out and not connected to my emotions at all. That doesn't hurt, help anybody. I would definitely not be the greatest partner or mother or employee, but, most importantly, I'm just not happy and I think being able to focus on like what it is that matters can be helpful and me feeling like I can breathe, feeling like I'm not spinning 16 plates and I'm responsible for all of those plates and if one comes crashing down, I didn't do a good job. Like that's pressure. So you can weigh the yes to stress ratio. So if I because there are things like that might feel like that and you're like, oh, I really want to do this, so okay, well, what is saying yes, going to cost me in stress, is this something that I thought that I could do and I want to enjoy? But now I'm so overwhelmed I actually can't and the thing that I wanted to do feels very restrictive to me. So I think that's always a good area to look at Because also, it gives you the option of like, oh, I really want to do this thing. Maybe there's something else that I'm not going to do. So I might take down a spinning plate to make room for the spinning plate, taking guilt out of the equation.
Speaker 1:
I will say it's always very easy for me to see who grew up in a guilt like, guilt oriented household, like because who's got the button. And I will say I had it in some ways, but not in others. It it wasn't the ruling emotion in my house because I was already acquiescing and doing everything, trying to do it, while trying to be good, trying to stay off the radar. So I didn't have to experience it very much when I did like hang on to your hats. But I think, luckily for me, my mom is so out of control it almost I don't want to say it wasn't funny. And it wasn't funny to 15 year old Heather, that's for sure, but it was so over the top it didn't really ping me as like I should feel guilty about this. It was more of like she has lost it, like she, because when my mom is like ranting it's really hard to like tune in and like make sense of any of it. But it didn't make me feel guilty. It made me think that she really had lost it and was mentally unwell, which was usually the case.
Speaker 1:
Do you feel like the do-it-yourself approach to improving your healthy habits does nothing except feel overwhelming, guilt-inducing and defeating. You don't need more rules, influencers or structured programs. Let me help you discover what you want, what works for you and how to maintain healthy habits during the ever-changing circumstances of your life. If you're ready to create systems that stick head to heathersayerslaymancom backslash health dash coaching and click let's do it. Let's do it.
Speaker 1:
So again, many people have grown up in different religious institutions that use guilt for control, households and parents that use guilt for compliance, and it doesn't go away Like that guilt button. You certainly can get so much better, but when, and especially when I hear people talk about it, they're like it's so frightening for them to do something that's going to elicit guilt. I don't feel like we can have an episode with my kids, but I don't feel like I use guilt. It's just sort of not, because it wasn't used on me, so it's really not something that I use. I will say their father uses it and, um, I think at this point, at 21 and 23, they're more kind of eye rolly about it. One is more likely to acquiesce, um, the other one, he's's got no Fs to give. He's like, wow, bummer, you feel bad about this. If he had a button. He dismantled it. It doesn't work.
Speaker 1:
But that guilt piece I think always understanding this is being used to control me. This is being used to make me do something that I don't want to do, and that person is perfectly fine with me doing something that I don't like to do, and that is that is the biggest message I get from. Guilt is it's not about you, I don't care what you want, I don't care how you want to do it, I want you to do this. And when you start framing it that way, it can be very helpful to motivate to either not acquiesce or to do something completely different, because once you start realizing that they don't care about you, it makes it easier to say no. So back to when to say no. I think sleeping on it can be really helpful.
Speaker 1:
I feel like there is some auto response that we feel like we need to tell this person right away that when we're asked to do something so you know, if my kids in school and somebody is like, hey, we really need help with a vinyl, the Valentine's Day party, like, whatever it is, somebody needs to cover the driveway, we need money raised, whatever it could feel very on the spot and which most time it is on the spot. And I think most people are expecting you to reply right away and you don't have to. You can absolutely have a couple of things in your back pocket that you sort of memorize so that you don't have to automatically like commit or not commit, so you can say let me get back to you and they might say, okay, I need to know by this time. Like okay, but just using that as like a way to not automatically kind of knee jerk commit or let me check on a couple of things before I commit. So I just always have one of the two. I usually just say like oh, let me get back to you on that, but let me check a couple of things.
Speaker 1:
Like whatever it is that's comfortable for you to say and easy for you to remember to say in that moment can help you then better assess what you have going on, so that you're not forgetting about something. Because you know the Valentine's Day party like maybe that's when you know you have to see your GI doctor, or maybe that's when you know you're supposed to be presenting something at work it's just not a good time for you. So having that pause then lets you really evaluate the situation, weigh your yes to stress ratio and see if yes is going to cost you too much. See if, like, oh my gosh, I love Valentine's Day. I'm so excited, I really want to do this. What else is it I can try to get off of my plate so that I'm able to do this, but it gives you time.
Speaker 1:
And I think it's also empowering because the guilt button absolutely has urgency in it, because if somebody is like laying out the guilt trip, like it feels like I'm supposed to say something now I feel like I should be doing something, which that doing something could be saying yeah, let me check out a couple of things and I'll get back to you. So how to say no? Doesn't this hurt in our tummies a little bit, I think. So I believe that the expectation that I'm just going to be able to say no I did it once and now I'm off to the races is faulty. I think that whatever guilt buttons or now I'm being bad, I'm not part of the pack, I'm going to get thrown out of the tribe, like all of these things can absolutely be going through your head, because they're all potential outcomes as well. But what I certainly know, and especially about women, is we like to overshare because we don't want that person to be mad? I think an empowering practice can be to tighten up that message, because sometimes you're in an area where oversharing like people need or want to hear your full-blown explanation, need or want to hear your full blown explanation Sometimes people don't care and then you're just kind of going on and it seems a little disempowering to be, you know, over explaining why, as an adult, we're going to make a different choice, and I think that's very hard to get away.
Speaker 1:
Being brief can be really challenging. So when it comes to saying no, you can just say no. So let's just say you took a pause, you know, let me get back to you, and then you can say it's really just not going to work out for me. You could say no, but you can have a one sentence answer and again, maybe it's one that you have rehearsed and you've gotten used to and it's really up to you. Do you want to text it? Do you want to email it? Do you want to say it to that person? But being able to just be brief about it I think is good.
Speaker 1:
I think, being honest, have I made up things to get out of other things 100%. Do I feel like a toddler when I do it 100%? This can also depend on how much emotional bandwidth you have, because maybe you don't have a lot and you're like I'm going to use it. Yeah, you know, my kid's got an appointment, so can't do it. You know, like, so I get it and I understand why we do that. I think it can be helpful as a practice to be honest. Also, your honesty might liberate somebody else to be honest, and I think it's always best for ourselves to be honest with ourselves and others. I think there is not always a big welcome sign for that too, because now you're just telling me like you're just exhausted, so you can't do this, like, hmm, and to give somebody the opportunity who is exhausted to be like, oh my gosh, I heard her say she was exhausted and she just couldn't do it Like, so can I do that? Because absolutely a lot of things don't occur to people. They didn't grow up in an environment where it was empowering to say what you were thinking and to be honest. So it's really like flexing a whole new muscle.
Speaker 1:
I think being respectful is important and that might be like thank you so much for thinking of me. This seems like a great opportunity. And no, but it's an and and I've got this big presentation work. I just can't miss it. So I think being respectful certainly sets a tone, because saying no isn't disrespectful and I think being honest is actually respectful. But you can also throw in some good words, should you want to. Do you have to Nope, you really can just say no.
Speaker 1:
What I know about saying no to people who are not interested in your no is that you might be, might need to be very ready to repeat this If you are creating some sort of boundary around something or trying to preserve some time for yourself, preserve some more time for your family, preserve some more time for your cat. Like it's really what you think is important and, you know, like I said before, like focusing on what matters the most. Maybe you haven't seen your cat very much, you know, maybe you got a new feather toy. You really want to play with it. But being ready to repeat this message of no, sometimes you get pushback. Sometimes people are so aghast that you said no, that they don't have any pushback at that moment, but you bet you they will. They kind of work up to it up to it and I think that some people don't necessarily have the self-awareness to know that you did already say no and now that they're being kind of rude asking you again.
Speaker 1:
There are lots of reasons. Things can boomerang around and you can go with the same no that you went with the first time. I think. I think it's better to not be shocked that somebody did not respect your no. Um, because now you're either passing on lightning their load or you're passing on something that would be extremely helpful to them and that feels all kinds of yuck and you just might not have the bandwidth to do it, you might not want to do it. You know these are all very complex and nuanced, so there is no kind of rule book for how you can do it, why you should do it or how it all plays out, because you have to really figure out what works for you in delivering a message and what your priorities are. So, in the how to say no, say no, be brief, be honest, be respectful and be ready to repeat. That can be your starter kit.
Speaker 1:
Maybe you're a master of no, but hopefully those different points give you something to think about. That. Give you something to think about that. Maybe you're at a place where it just feels impossible to say no because you're the bad guy, or you know you get cut out of other stuff, people are talking about you and all those things absolutely might be true. Being in a place where you know who you are, you know what you've got going on, you know your ability to get things done or not getting done and getting more comfortable with saying no can be very beneficial to yourself, to your cat, to your family All of those things are very true. I just think it really takes practice and just knowing that going in like I'm going to do this and I'm going to be super uncomfortable and the next 10 times I do it maybe I'm still super uncomfortable, and maybe the next 100, you're super uncomfortable and you have watched out for yourself and allowed you to focus on what matters the most. Good luck to you.
Speaker 1:
You can always leave me feedback. You can send me a DM on Instagram at Heather Sayers-Layman or reach out on my website, heathersayerslaymancom. Slash backslash contact and there's a little form. You can let me know how it goes with your new found knownness. Take care. Thanks so much for listening today. Do you know what would be really fun If you popped over to my Instagram at Heather Sayers Lehman and dropped me a DM and let me know what topics you want me to cover. Something bugging you, something holding you up? Please just let me know and I will tweak some content and get an episode out just for you. As always, please follow, show or you can leave a five-star review on apple or spotify. That would be fun too. See you in the next episode.
