Have you ever felt torn between what you want and what everyone expects from you
Have you felt confused about how to even differentiate the two?
Today’s episode is a fun one! My two besties of a zillion years, Alison Bell and Susan Marine, join me on the pod!
The three of us talk about “Should I do this thing?” and digging deep into what drives us.
There is always something going on in our lives that we ‘could’ or ‘should’ do, and we tackle whether we should do this.
We break down the choice between desire and expectation and discover why we do the thing in front of us.
We talk about receiving acceptance from others when we accomplish things, wanting to be admired by those around us, and the drive to be exceptional.
We break down the worry that after you have completed the task on your list, you will just be looking for the next thing and that you will never actually be “done.”
We also discuss how to reframe the way you look at the things you set out to do and find the joy of the journey.
Instead of focusing on the societal pressures to do what we “should” be doing, the three of us decide that the most important takeaway is to focus on the feelings that you get from doing the thing!
Have you ever felt torn between what you want and what everyone expects from you
Have you felt confused about how to even differentiate the two?
Today’s episode is a fun one! My two besties of a zillion years, Alison Bell and Susan Marine, join me on the pod!
The three of us talk about “Should I do this thing?” and digging deep into what drives us.
There is always something going on in our lives that we ‘could’ or ‘should’ do, and we tackle whether we should do this.
We break down the choice between desire and expectation and discover why we do the thing in front of us.
We talk about receiving acceptance from others when we accomplish things, wanting to be admired by those around us, and the drive to be exceptional.
We break down the worry that after you have completed the task on your list, you will just be looking for the next thing and that you will never actually be “done.”
We also discuss how to reframe the way you look at the things you set out to do and find the joy of the journey.
Instead of focusing on the societal pressures to do what we “should” be doing, the three of us decide that the most important takeaway is to focus on the feelings that you get from doing the thing!
I think part of it is I too want to be approved of, I want to be accepted, and weirdly, I think it also has something to do with wanting to be sort of admired if that makes any sense.
Speaker 2:
It makes sense to me, and one of the things that I'm sitting here thinking is something I've been exploring for myself. Is that drive to be exceptional? Yes, and not necessarily for accomplishment sake, though that's in there Right, but I think and I think it depends on your childhood and what you're rewarded for.
Speaker 3:
But I think as a little right and I imagine you're the same.
Speaker 2:
You get lots of attention and pats on the head for when you're exceptional. Yes, so when you do that new thing right and you achieve it Exactly, you're exceptional.
Speaker 3:
And like isn't that?
Speaker 2:
rewarding.
Speaker 3:
Hi and welcome to the air we breathe, finding well being that works for you. I'm your host, Heather Sayers-Layman. I'm a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and Certified Personal Trainer. I help you get organized and consistent with healthy habits, without rules, obsession or exhaustion. This podcast may contain talk about eating disorders and disordered eating. There could also be some adult language here. Choose wisely if those are problematic for you. For you, Hi and welcome to this episode.
Speaker 3:
I'm very excited because today we're talking about should I do this thing? So we all get to this point where we're like I feel like I should do this, or even like I want to do this, and that becomes hard to decide, like, well, should I do this? Do I have the time to do this? Do I have the money to do this? Why am I doing this? So we're going to walk through a little more concise question asking so how we can get to a place where we're doing the thing that feels right to us to be doing, not an obligation or not overwhelming, but something that we're actually excited that we want to do. So I have two guests today, two of my OG friends from home in Indiana. Allie, why don't you introduce yourself?
Speaker 2:
Sure, I'm Allison Bell or Allie To my friends and I'm a regional vice president for WGU, which is a national online not-for-profit university. Hi everyone.
Speaker 1:
I'm Susan Marine. I am a professor and an academic administrator at Merrimack College in Massachusetts and I and very happy to be here today talking about this really important topic.
Speaker 3:
Hmm, thanks, sue. I always think it's interesting because I consider you gals like blazer wearers, because you work in higher education and. I don't really have a lot of blazers in my field, but you guys are heavy blazer wearers.
Speaker 1:
Depends but sometimes, sometimes, yep, sometimes a blazer is a perfect for the moment.
Speaker 3:
Well, it makes you look like the part a little bit more yes, Okay. Well, now that we've got that out of the way, should I?
Speaker 1:
wear a blazer. I have one that that has um patches on is it tweeted?
Speaker 3:
yes, in fact it is does it have a corduroy around?
Speaker 1:
no, it does not have corduroy around the neck next winter yes, okay, okay, um.
Speaker 3:
Well, we're talking about should I do this thing, which is a topic that we have all talked about of, like, how am I supposed to know which? I think this all goes back to growing up doing things that you're just told to do and not really like oh well, what do you want to do, what are you passionate about, what are you interested in? And not really ever being able to create your own dialogue about what do I want to do and especially like well, here's what my family's done, which also you both are following in your family's footsteps of higher education as well, which is interesting in itself.
Speaker 3:
So I think that it's very natural that this is hard for us to decide, like, am I doing it because I saw somebody doing it and it seemed like I should be doing something like that, or is this really like something that's going to be a real value add to me? So we talked for a sec before about our examples. So, um, allie, what is it you feel like you should be doing right now?
Speaker 2:
So I would like to say I could pick from a number of things, but the thing we will focus on today is my house, and does it look like it should look? Is it well appointed? How's the decor? What about the clutter? Just feeling overwhelmed by making my house the way I think it should look?
Speaker 3:
Excellent, because I feel like that's pretty universal for a lot of people.
Speaker 2:
I think it's been amped up by social media. You see all these because people put only beautiful things on the internet, you know and you know that. But you still see all this curated imagery and it's like, wow, my house doesn't look like that. Where's your mail?
Speaker 3:
What do you do with your mail pile?
Speaker 2:
Yeah, where's your mail basket that's three feet tall, I don't know.
Speaker 3:
And.
Speaker 1:
Sue. So I have recently undertaken a physical challenge for myself. In a couple of months I'll be heading over to the UK and doing a extended walk slash hike with a dear friend of mine who lives there along what is called the Hadrian's Wall Path, and I decided to do this about a year ago and ever since I've been trying to psych myself up to train for this event, because I am not a particularly athletic person. Um, so I have been doing that, but I always feel like I should be doing more to get ready and and the stakes feel a little bit high. So I think a lot about am I doing enough?
Speaker 3:
I'm not familiar with him. I doing enough, so we'll just go with your story. Is there like a specific protocol that they say you should follow?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, there's a few different people on the internet that have sort of shared like if you're going to do Hadrian's, here's how to approach it, here's how much to walk, here's how to build up your mileage, things like that. Just to give a little bit of context for the trail, most people do between 10 and 12 miles a day. It's actually about 80 miles long. I'm going to do about 60 miles of the trail for a variety of reasons, and so I know that I'm to be doing miles, several miles, a day, and then on weekends, longer walks, and just because of various factors, lately I haven't been doing the eight to 10 mile weekend walks that I know I should be doing because the time is approaching for the walk, got it Okay, thanks for that clarity.
Speaker 3:
Yes, Helps, yeah, um. So then, ali, with the house, like, who do you feel like? Is saying, like this is something you should do, of the committee in your head? Who is raising their hand?
Speaker 2:
I mean, isn't that what we're trying to? I, I don't know. No, it is something about image there. It's, there are multiple things right, there is something about your image, like if people were to come over, if I were to have you know, entertain, like, what would people think of me if my house doesn't look a certain way? So the? So who is that? Is that person that's concerned about what people think of me? And I guess that gets down to like am I acceptable, am I accepted or am I fundamentally going to be rejected? There are some other elements to that, too, which I think are important, which is like comfort in my home. We just did a project together and made my laundry room functional and beautiful and I love it and that is a good thing. I wouldn't undo that and it and there's a lot of like comfort and joy that comes from that. So there's that piece of it too. That is a voice.
Speaker 3:
Got you, which it's nice that you've already done something, because then you've got something to look at and like this feels great on the inside, like this is because you have snapped me many times I'm in the laundry room, um, because it's also like beautifully joyful as well, walls or a wallpaper, um.
Speaker 3:
so then you already have a like, oh, I like. This feeling is Is that correct? Yeah, that's absolutely correct, yeah, okay. And then with an edge of like, ooh. So then, because overall, what I'm hearing you say is, um, not as much connection, but belonging, will I belong with my clutter or will I?
Speaker 2:
will I belong more. You mean belonging with a like with the group with the outside that's potentially judging me. Yeah, I think so. I think that's about belonging.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, yeah, which I think I mean obviously as little cave people like you're not safe. If you're not belonging, you're not safe and you're not belonging right safe, and if you're not in community. So it definitely makes sense. Um, do you feel like there's anything gendered within it?
Speaker 2:
um, definitely, and I do like within the home. You know, I'm the only one who cares about what the house looks like truly, and I do feel like I have I've healed some of this, but over time I have felt like it's all on me and it only reflects on me if it doesn't look right.
Speaker 3:
I would say you're not wrong. I don't know who's like. Did you see their house? I don't know what the hell he's doing around, but it was a mess. I didn't see him pick up a towel and wipe anything off the whole time we were there, right? I don't know that that conversation actually exists, right, because maybe you're not telling him enough of what he should do or maybe you're not hurting him, but it's still like you said ultimately yeah, okay, interesting um suzy so then, do you have any idea, like who is the shooter?
Speaker 1:
so, um, I think that for most of my adult life I have, when I look at the threads of my life, I think one of the things that I have kind of relentlessly pursued that I never really quite understood the origin of is I'm really a huge fan of novelty, and so, and specifically, new experiences I like to think of myself as a kind of free spirited, venturesome person, and when I hear about things that other people do that I think sound exciting and fun, I will often say I'm gonna do that, and I often jump in headfirst and do sign up or commit to doing that thing, and then I step back and say wait a minute, what is this going to require? I think part of it is I too want to be approved of, I want to be accepted, and and weirdly, I think it also has something to do with wanting to be like sort of admired if that makes any sense makes sense to me.
Speaker 2:
I and I. One of the things that I'm sitting here thinking is something I've been exploring for myself. Um, is that drive to be exceptional? Yes, and not necessarily for accomplishment sake. So that's in there right but I think, and I think it depends on your childhood and what you're rewarded for, but I think as a little right and I imagine you're the same.
Speaker 2:
You get lots of attention and pats on the head for when you're exceptional, yes, so when you do that new thing right and you achieve it Exactly, you're exceptional and like. Isn't that rewarding?
Speaker 1:
Right, and isn't that, ultimately, I think it also feels like if I'm not doing something that makes me exceptional, I'm not sure if I'm a valid human being.
Speaker 2:
That makes any sense. Where's your?
Speaker 1:
value, yeah, like so much of my life, and has been constructed around accomplishment, yes, and I feel like, career wise, I've accomplished a lot of the goals that I set out for myself, and so now I'm kind of looking around, going, well, what's what's going to make me exceptional now? Um, and yet I want to do things that I think will make me exceptional, but then I don't always want to do the background work they require.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
And maybe this relates to what you're sharing about your home that it's like we'd like to snap our fingers and have that all come together, but it takes a lot of work to do those things sometimes, and and money, and money and time and talent, and we all you know so yeah.
Speaker 1:
So where's the message come from? That it needs to be novel person who commits to a pursuit or a hobby or a pastime over the course of a life? But I have literally jumped from thing to thing to thing kind of my whole life and in terms of how I spend my time and my interests, and lately I've just been really fixated on long distance walking.
Speaker 2:
I do enjoy it.
Speaker 1:
When I do it, I'm glad I did it, but I'm also not a person who does it regularly enough that I can just rely on that skill within me. I do have to build it up again.
Speaker 3:
Do you have a higher or lower value when you're watching people? They've done it for a long time, um higher lower value, Like do you value?
Speaker 1:
like, oh my gosh, they've done it for a long time um higher lower value, like do you value like oh my gosh, they've been doing this, yes, so long, yeah.
Speaker 1:
And then I feel intimidated by it a little bit um. So there's a couple of great um like facebook groups, social media groups for people, um, who've watched the trail and other long distance trails, the el camino in spain, you know, similar types of things, and I actually pulled off of those because I was feeling like, oh my, I'm not where these folks are and I'm not, I haven't put in the time they have and it's just making me hyper self-conscious. So, yeah, so it's like I'm drawn to being part of that, but I'm also not always good at committing to the work it requires.
Speaker 3:
Or interested yeah.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
Interested. Yeah, I mean cause I think it seems like you're positioning it as a negative, like oh, I'm just really good at that, but it's like I don't know if I want to do that, um.
Speaker 1:
I feel I mean, I actually feel pretty sure that I'm I'm going to really enjoy this experience. What I worry about is I'm going to either not be able to do it the way I want to do it, or it's going to be really uncomfortable for me and I'm going to have to come to terms with the fact that I could have prevented that if I had prepared better.
Speaker 3:
Regret from a faulty preparation.
Speaker 1:
Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:
Right.
Speaker 1:
Well and then, it was your fault. Then it was my fault, and I could have done something about it if I'd only been more. And this is the part that I think is underlying all of this is that I'm not a particularly disciplined person, and people don't.
Speaker 3:
Says my friend with a PhD.
Speaker 1:
Well, I mean but even that, like I, that came very naturally to me. And I'm not saying I didn't work hard, I did work hard. I want my advisor to know that, but I've always had comfort and facility and ease with reading, writing and words. This is different. This is actually pushing myself towards something I'm not very good at.
Speaker 3:
Have you ever felt like the do it yourself approach to improving your healthy habits ends up doing nothing except making you feel overwhelmed, guilty and defeated? Have you been struggling to find sustainable routines that work for your responsibilities, lifestyle, budget and personal preferences? You don't need more rules, influencers or structured programs. Let me help you discover what you want, what works for you and how to maintain healthy habits during the ever-changing circumstances of your life. If you're ready to create systems that stick, head to heathersayerslaymancom, backslash health dash coaching and click, let's do it. Backslash health dash coaching and click, let's do it. And I think we have our sweet spots, and Allie and I have been talking about this because I enjoy organizing, like my sock drawer that I made, so my socks each fit in a square with a pair and it's kind of like an ombre effect as you move along, like I dig that and I've maintained it. It's never not looked like that. And then when Allie and I were talking, you were like I don't even see what you're talking Like. What are you doing? It looks lovely.
Speaker 2:
It looks lovely. If someone would do it for me every day, I would really appreciate it.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, of just what's. Like naturally I find that naturally interesting. Like naturally I find that naturally interesting. But like for what you're saying, like writing, like I have to look up how to use a colon. All of the time I don't have, because people start sub stacks and I'm like I can talk about stuff but writing it I don't. I don't have the skill I've constantly used grammarly and she's like this is not the appropriate.
Speaker 3:
Okay, I'll change it, thank you, but I think it's almost like a dissatisfaction or disappointment with like well, shouldn't I be good at this? Like, can I be good at everything?
Speaker 1:
Right.
Speaker 3:
No yeah.
Speaker 1:
I mean, we can't be right. And we I'm a big believer I think we have to push ourselves into areas that are not comfortable for us, because that's how we keep growing. So again, that goes back to the novelty thing. I like doing things I've never done before or haven't done recently, Because I always experience growth through them. But I also know there's a risk of being self-conscious, feeling like, oh, I shouldn't have tried to do this, I can't do this, um, so yeah, but I've bought the plane ticket and I'm in, so oh, I'm going I'm going um so, ali, like if you had your house like, looking like what you wanted, it's functional, it's easy to maintain.
Speaker 3:
We don't have to worry about the piles, because piles don't happen. Like, what would that mean to you? How do you think that you would feel?
Speaker 2:
I think I would love it. Honestly, it feels like I would have one less thing that's bothering me, that's kind of hanging over me, like you know, not to worry on the weekends about what project should I attack, because it's not really how I want to spend my weekends. So I think. But I also wonder if that's actually achievable, meaning would I always find something to be critical about and so that it's not really? I mean, there is some real in there, like having the laundry room be functional is a real thing and it's wonderful, but I wonder because, would I ever achieve it? Or is that the unachievable goal that I've set for myself?
Speaker 3:
Yeah, that, once the laundry room, then you're, you're peeking into the family room and you're like okay, so let's start this up now, because it's well, and I think also when it's your undertaking, because having have been at your house and had somebody watch us work was very interesting. Yeah. So you're, maybe are you gonna pop out, get us a smoothie or pick us up? No, okay, all right, we'll go, we'll go um, I think that has to add like another layer, another layer.
Speaker 2:
I was thinking about the laundry room and how we did it together and how that made it so much easier and it's not like you did it. For me it was very much a team effort and um, but that it was so much easier for.
Speaker 2:
And it's not like you did it. For me it was very much a team effort and um, but that it was so much easier for me to get it done because I had someone to like work with and bounce ideas off of. So that does make a difference. Yeah, A thousand percent.
Speaker 3:
And shitty chat and talking about dumb stuff, um, and like lanes, yeah, I lanes, yeah, I'm doing the shelfy things, you're doing the painy things, um, yeah, so I think that it definitely has to. I would think feel more daunting, ish, knowing like this is a solo thing, it's all gonna be me, yeah. So of that feeling that you would love to have, like when your house is quote unquote done, like is there anything else that you think ever gives you that feeling, like, would there be any other way to get that?
Speaker 2:
I mean, I think I get that feeling in other things that I accomplish and I, you know, work out in the morning, just getting a workout done, feels like, you know, there's some of that um or something. You know something that I achieve at work just finished a big strategy document, working with a team to pull it together, and it's like at work, just finished a big strategy document, working with a team to pull it together, and it's like what are we going to do next year, all in one page With a graph. You told me, yes, I could not create the layout, somebody had to do that for me. It looked real ugly, but the content it was a team effort to be clear, but to be the person that got to pull it all together and, you know, make it make sense, that's really satisfying too. So I don't know if that's what you're getting at, but that's what comes to mind.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, I think I think familiarizing yourself with what feeling you want. Where have I gotten that other places? Because in that also never ending piece, like, did I get that feeling I was looking for? How do I know if I got what I wanted? Because that's the other thing of like, you know these stairs, or you know, well, we really need to repaint, because then you're never getting to that point of, oh my gosh, this is so enjoyable, the family room looks great painted. You know the hall up the stairs. Really good way about that. Is it possible?
Speaker 1:
that the doing of it is also maybe more enjoyable than at face value. I'm just thinking about how you were talking about the laundry room project and I know how much you all enjoy doing that, because you did it together and, as you said, you played off each other's strengths and things and I'm wondering if the doing of it brings you maybe a little more satisfaction than like. In other words, it in your mind it seems like you're going to be happy when this is done, but is the doing also part of that satisfaction?
Speaker 1:
Yeah, looking at the process, yeah, and getting to make it what you want it to be. You know, there's the, there's that sense of it is all on you On the other hand, it's all on you.
Speaker 2:
Right, you can decide, right. I don't know if that's no. I think that I think there's something there. I think that's part of it is. What am I focusing on? Like what? What is it that I actually am trying to get out of this and that whole? I mean we could get meta on this, but that whole concept of being done with anything right, um, we're never done. You know, we've talked a lot about, you know the life lessons that we've had to learn and relearn, and relearn we're not done until we're dead.
Speaker 2:
So maybe drawing that back with the house and maybe this applies to your should too, but to the like, what feels right right now? What do I need to do and why? Right?
Speaker 3:
um, I think that's something, yeah yeah, and I wonder if there is, um, like a piece of disappointment you have to kind of work through with that. That it's. This is not going to be a fun time, buddy thing, unless I come back and help you I mean you both can come. Yeah, yeah Of not having a buddy to walk through it.
Speaker 2:
Yeah, I think so. Yes, but in the end, all we can control is our own actions, our own selves, right? So if it's something that I want, then I have to figure out what I'm willing to take on and why Right. Yeah, that I want that.
Speaker 3:
I have to figure out what I'm willing to take on and why. Right, yeah, you know, I just always think some of those pieces that I like to like well, I get to, or like being a single parent for someone, I get to do this, but there's also like somebody on the committee, that's like. This is really hard, though can we just stop and acknowledge that this kind of sucks.
Speaker 1:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, definitely a both. And situation. Um, so then for you, Sue like, what is the feeling are you hoping to get?
Speaker 1:
You know, I think I'm hoping to, through this experience, um feel more confident about myself than I probably sound right now, that I can and I will do what I need to do when the time comes, and I also want to. Just I want to do this because I want a couple the years. About the joy of the long walk or any kind of long trek that one might make is it's literally just one step in front of the other until you get to your next water spot or meal or place you're going to sleep. There's not much else you can do when you're out walking than talk with your friends, enjoy the scenery, feel grateful for the body you have that can still move, and it's been a while since I've either allowed myself or relished kind of living in the present. So that is really a big part of my motivation for doing this and I am hopeful that the experience itself will um rekindle that for me more than anything else?
Speaker 3:
Didn't you used to go to silent retreat?
Speaker 1:
Yes, I spent um about 15 or so years ago. I spent an extended period of time both meditating every day for lengthy periods of time and going to silent retreat. For the longest silent retreat I ever did was a week with no other human contact or interaction, and that was wonderful. It was absolutely wonderful for so many reasons for me and really helped my lifelong project of being more comfortable sitting with myself and knowing myself and not needing to be distracted, and I do think that this particular experience will hopefully bring some of that back into focus, for me for sure.
Speaker 3:
Do you think that you, because it seems like your focus is on the physical, physical I need to do these things, I should do these things, but I hear you like really excited when you talk about, yeah, the silence, the nature, yes, present, yes, um, have you been able to leverage more of that in trying to get the pragmatics?
Speaker 1:
I think probably I should. I appreciate you pointing that out. I think the other thing I have to remind myself is first, that is why I'm really going. It's not to become a world-class long-distance hiker, because I probably won't become that in my lifetime. But the other thing I have to remember about this is if I am to remember about this is if I am really physically uncomfortable or if I do under train. It's not the end of the world. I'm not going out to the bush in a far flung country where I can't get help. I can't get a ride to the next town if I need it, I can't access support from people around me, and that's something that I struggle with. But I think this is also an opportunity to remember that I can call on people and get help if I need it. So I'm not going to be in any danger if I undertrain. I will just be embarrassed.
Speaker 2:
Or not, or not Right? I'm sitting here thinking about the whole concept of being exceptional, and one of the things that I'm trying to focus on is what's the worst thing that happens if you're normal or imperfect, right? And so that's what you're, you know, saying right here is that you go. It doesn't go the way you kind of think it should right right but is? Is it a loss, is it a wash, or will you still get a lot to be present? Commune with nature, be vulnerable.
Speaker 1:
Yes, like spend time with my dear friend, yeah, experience the, the beauty of the english countryside. All those things are going to happen no matter what whether I make the 10 miles a day for six days or not so yes, and you have other ways of getting the feelings you're looking for as well.
Speaker 1:
Those particular feelings. Do I have other ways? Yeah, I think so. I mean, I think I think anytime that we can work on staying present, anytime that we can work on connecting with people intentionally, anytime that we move our bodies, anytime that we're in nature, any of those things could be could help me access these feelings. Help me access these feelings, and that's around me all the time too, so I don't really have to cross the ocean to do this, but there is something for me, like I said, the novelty piece that I've never done this before. I love going places. I've never been before, so that'll be, I think, an extra treat, part of it.
Speaker 3:
So, Allie, what do you feel like? What is sort of the story that maybe holds you back from doing some projects? I know we've talked about it, but what do you?
Speaker 2:
think. I think some of it is what we've talked about just here. Just that it's all on me and so it feels big Because you have a job also. I also have a job. You have three children and some kids, yeah.
Speaker 2:
And then I also like to do fun things. Sheesh, I know I'm so selfish, but what holds me back is sort of like my own concept of what it is, how big it is. So, for example, after we cleaned out, after we did the laundry room, I have several cabinets in my kitchen that just needed to be done and I've been thinking about it for more than a year and I finally did it, and it took me three hours and but I think in my brain I couldn't even conceptualize how long and how hard that was going to be.
Speaker 2:
And I did it and it's great, and every time I use those cabinets now it feels good. So I think it's that. Um, you know, I mean maybe it kind of connects to what Susan was saying, which is like what if I don't? What if I don't? It's that, you know, I mean maybe it kind of connects to what Susan was saying, which is like what if I don't? What if I don't? It's kind of like what if this is awful and hard and I just like also don't want to do it with my day Holds me back, whereas if I think about all of the joy, I mean and truthfully, the laundry room and the cleaned out cabinets do bring me a lot of joy and also I'm proud of myself. Yeah Well, that was cool, I did that.
Speaker 2:
I mean when I after you cause we didn't get it all done when the laundry room, when you were in, I had to install a sink by myself, which I did, and Susan, you're okay the YouTubes and um, and I actually read the instructions, which is really helpful. Yes, so I installed the sync and then I had to switch out light switches, which was more complicated than it should be because the wiring is all in the house, but I did that with a little help from Heather's husband on FaceTime and you know I accomplished it. That feeling of like I could do any, I think I sent you a snap and was like I can do anything. You can give it to me.
Speaker 2:
Well, those switches were tricky because there's one when you walk in the room and there's one going out right. It's different than a regular switch.
Speaker 1:
If you need help, I can let you know. Thanks, it's good to know.
Speaker 3:
Well, and I also wonder because you were telling me, when you were cleaning stuff out you found like a part of a high chair.
Speaker 2:
We have a large deep cabinet. It's an old house and it's the original kitchen and so there's this deep back part that's not really usable and I'm digging back there and there was the actual entire tray of a high child is 17 17 years. So either we haven't cleaned that out in 17 years, which is possible, or I cleaned it out and was like I'm just gonna leave that there I don't know what to do.
Speaker 3:
That's what I wonder, too, like if you, when you see stuff like that, if there's a story that starts, that's probably not very nice, for sure.
Speaker 2:
Like some shame around like, oh my gosh, we haven't done anything back here, we? I haven't done anything here in 17 years, yeah, and I and I do take it all on myself for sure.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, and that's a you thing. You should have been yeah yeah, yeah, the the 50 of the equation. You're the one that should have been checking the old back cabinets Because, also, I think in that same time you cleaned out your fridge that I think multiple people use in your house as well.
Speaker 2:
So I think so.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, but I think that piece of because I think those voices get loud of, like are you kidding me? Like you still have. What are you doing? Yeah, like of going through the mess and it seems like you just really have to. Like you know, we're not, we're not hearing from the naysayers, right, what we're doing is focused on, like man, this is going to be so exciting when I open my cabinets and I just see things I use. Yeah, it was very high pitched.
Speaker 2:
I don't know it is.
Speaker 3:
It is how I feel like um, so suze like, yeah, what are you thinking like? Do you feel like you can start looking at this kind of like joyful silence nature? Because I think fitness also gets very mixed up in the messages we hear the messaging we have for ourselves. Fitness is also so weight oriented. I got to change my body. I got to fix my body. Yep, where you're really talking about like a performance issue, right, also like why is this so hard? I just here's the thing I'm supposed to do, I know.
Speaker 1:
I was thinking about some of what you shared in the episode on. You know, the best fitness routine is the one you do of what you shared in the episode on.
Speaker 1:
You know, the best fitness routine is the one you do and I think for for most of my life I have felt like there is a ideal, there's a minimum, there's a way to approach being healthy, and I have never been able to accomplish it through lack of both motivation, and usually discipline is where it comes into for me, because I accomplish plenty of other things in my life, but lately I've been more recognizing and realizing that for me, it would be better if, anytime, I did do something good for my body and for myself, that I just acknowledge that and focused on that instead of what I'm not doing. And also to remember that exercise can look like a lot of different things. I spend a lot of time playing with my cats and a lot of people might say but that's not exercise. It is when you bend over 50 times to pick up a toy and throw it to your cat and then walk to the other end of the house and get it and throw it again and do that. You know that's not nothing.
Speaker 3:
It's not the same as going to a gym and lifting weights, but I need to give myself credit for the physical movement I do and recognize that all of those little things will make a difference when I'm 80 about whether I can bend over or not yeah, so, and you get to create those definitions because, also having worked in the fitness community, there's a lot of ding-dongs out there that have a big audience, right and right also, and like what's the upside to saying like well, that's not exercise? Like yeah, all right, bro. Like so so in your opinion right, but that you get to change your story right, right, right, cause I think too, and then I think for both of you, like some of it is a bit systems ish.
Speaker 1:
It is.
Speaker 3:
Because that really the way I look at it, always like with my clients, it's really just organization and we really chunked your laundry room down into. Here's a list of stuff that you get clean this stuff out, list of stuff that you get clean this stuff out. And then you know, then we did it Like there's ways that it's not well, now we're going to go do the laundry room and I think kind of the same, because when it's like, here's the program, but okay, it's this time of semester, I have these obligations going on, what's going to work best for me right now?
Speaker 1:
So I have always had a really negative relationship with winter, and that's ironic because I've lived in New England for most of my adult life and winter is both five months long and pretty bad. But I recently said, well, but I love walking, I'll just get a treadmill. I went on Facebook marketplace, I got a cheap treadmill, I put it in my house and I walk on it almost every day, especially when it's raining or snowing. And before I was just saying, well, I can't walk today, yeah, I can, I just can't walk outside or I don't want to, and so little things like that where I'm not a gym person. I've probably joined 30 gyms in my lifetime and I've every single one not gone to. But do I enjoy moving in the comfort of my own home? Yes, and I can figure out ways to do that that honor the fact that I'm just slightly not the person I want to be, the person who goes to the gym and walks 10 miles every day.
Speaker 3:
So what's your, what's your big takeaway from today?
Speaker 2:
Oh well, I think one of the things is focusing on. I mean, I do think it's important to pause and ask myself where is the voice coming from, right, and then giving myself some grace as like why it might feel overwhelming to do this stuff and do it on my own. But I think, focusing on the way it makes me feel like doing the things around the house that are going to give me that feeling that the laundry room gave me or the cabinets gave me, and not having it be about anybody else, really what anybody else thinks, or what I think anybody else thinks truthfully, and just like, what does it do for me and what am I willing to do? Kind of like is you know Susie? Is she willing to walk outside in the rain?
Speaker 2:
no, you know, am I willing to remodel the whole kitchen by myself? No, but can I look at different chunks of the house and ask myself what would? What would make me feel best in this home, and then do like the next right thing? Or my mom would say don't eat the whole elephant at once. Eat it one bite at a time and it's right.
I want to echo what Allie said about focusing on the feelings, what I want to feel when I take on particular challenges, even if I do so somewhat impulsively and for the joy of the journey and the being present part, and not worrying about whether or not I can do exactly how this trail, the way everybody else does it.
Speaker 3:
I may not and that's okay.
Speaker 1:
But also I think I want to be more kind to myself and when I do put in a five-mile walk, I want to say I did a five-mile walk today. It wasn't a 10-mile, but I did a five-mile. I want to say I did a five mile walk today. It wasn't a 10 mile, but I did a five mile.
Speaker 3:
Or just I did a five mile.
Speaker 1:
Or yes.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, no, it wasn't.
Speaker 1:
It wasn't Right. I'm going to work toward that yeah. But, yes, acknowledging and supporting myself for what I do rather than what I don't do.
Speaker 3:
Yeah, yeah, because I think for both of you I mean obviously me as well like it's like we've done enough time with uh, this isn't good enough, totally, so totally what if the narrative gets changed a lot more and it becomes about me? Right and the way that I do things not conforming to the ways that other people right, right and remembering that we're not here to prove ourselves to people.
Speaker 1:
I really believe that it's taken me my whole life to get to that place. But I believe that we're here to love each other, to support each other, to witness each other's both joys and struggles. But we're not here to compare, contrast, judge and, most especially, feel like we can't measure up.
Speaker 2:
Because the other people don't care.
Speaker 1:
Exactly, either they just don't care.
Speaker 3:
They don't care.
Speaker 2:
Or if they're the people that love you Right.
Speaker 1:
Yeah, and they will always remind you of the things that are meaningful instead of the things that you don't quite get to.
Speaker 3:
Well, we're definitely going to do a follow-up episode. See how these things worked out Great. Chat about it.
Speaker 2:
Yeah.
Speaker 3:
And, as always, then be the. Anybody needs me to break something down, organize it like happy to do that Right. So leaning on each other also Awesome, all right. Well, thanks you guys. Thank you, awesome, all right, well, thanks you guys, thank you Thanks for having us. As always, please follow the show or you can leave a five-star review on Apple or Spotify. That would be fun too. See you in the next episode.
