Have you ever been at a loss for words after comments on someone’s body (maybe yours)? 👀
Did you find something you wanted to say, or were you left speechless waking up at 3 am thinking, “THIS is what I should have said…” 🤦🏻♀️
Well, I am here to help you navigate the uncomfortable world, that is, body talk.
What if I am the one commenting?
What if someone is commenting on MY body?
How should I address body talk with my kids? I
will help answer it all on today’s pod!
We will also discuss different ways to address someone who comments about your body.
I’ll give you FOUR options on how to react.
We’ll also talk about why, sometimes, it’s best not to comment at all. 🤐
We will also chat about kids and body talk, when to speak up on someone’s behalf, teaching them about avoiding observing other people’s bodies, and reinforcing that all bodies are good bodies!
By the end, I hope that you feel better equipped to handle uncomfortable conversations about body talk and you start to shift away from conversations centered around other people’s bodies. 🙌🏼
Have you ever been at a loss for words after comments on someone’s body (maybe yours)? 👀
Did you find something you wanted to say, or were you left speechless waking up at 3 am thinking, “THIS is what I should have said…” 🤦🏻♀️
Well, I am here to help you navigate the uncomfortable world, that is, body talk.
What if I am the one commenting?
What if someone is commenting on MY body?
How should I address body talk with my kids? I
will help answer it all on today’s pod!
We will also discuss different ways to address someone who comments about your body.
I’ll give you FOUR options on how to react.
We’ll also talk about why, sometimes, it’s best not to comment at all. 🤐
We will also chat about kids and body talk, when to speak up on someone’s behalf, teaching them about avoiding observing other people’s bodies, and reinforcing that all bodies are good bodies!
By the end, I hope that you feel better equipped to handle uncomfortable conversations about body talk and you start to shift away from conversations centered around other people’s bodies. 🙌🏼
she said like, oh, it's just so sad that you know she's put all this weight back on. And I was so floored I didn't really have anything to say and I'm not always good on the spot. So what I did say I was, like, well, keeping weight off is really, really difficult. If that happened today, I would have a different answer. So that's why I'm going to go over some things you can just kind of put in your pocket to have ready, because, again, like I don't need to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and be like, oh, you know what I should have said.
Speaker 1:
Hi and welcome to the air we breathe, finding well being that works for you. I'm your host, heather Sayers-Layman. I'm a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and Certified Personal Trainer. I help you get organized and consistent with healthy habits, without rules, obsession or exhaustion. This podcast may contain talk about eating disorders and disordered eating. There could also be some adult language here. Choose wisely if those are problematic for you. Hi and welcome to today's episode.
Speaker 1:
Today is a chat about body talk, more specifically, comments made on people's bodies. On people's bodies. It's a real doozy, but I want to talk about the roles that we play. So what if I'm the one commenting on somebody's body? What if I am receiving comments on my body as well as a little information about kids? And if you are in a role of helping raise a child and you want them to be more body neutral, how can we go about that? So this whole thing is just a hot mess.
Speaker 1:
I will say that I'm generally not surprised about the comments that people make on other people's bodies. I will say, before I got into health coaching, I didn't know that this was such a thing. I wasn't paying attention, quite frankly, because it wasn't happening to me and it wasn't really pertinent to me. So, for better or worse, um, that was my experience. So, unfortunately, because I wasn't affected by it, I wasn't aware of it. I became so much more aware, um, because my clients all have similar experiences, that health quote unquote health was being forced upon them, generally by their family, perhaps physicians, but when they were younger, in the guise of, to quote, help them lose weight, to have them lose weight, physical activity and diet. So exercise and dieting. And, not surprisingly, people develop a negative relationship when you're forced to do those things and it's nothing that you're necessarily interested in. So there's a lot of unraveling of those tapestries. That happens when we're coaching.
Speaker 1:
So I've heard a lot of mind boggling comments and I certainly remember some in school. I remember my friends recounting comments that were made to them and then working in the anti-diet, weight inclusive space. People tell stories and it's awful. So I wanted to take a little deep dive to kind of give you some tools if this is happening to you, what you can do. If this is something that you do, that you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't know then what you can do instead. And also you know some tools for navigating kids.
Speaker 1:
So, first of all, I don't really see why it's ever necessary to comment on someone's body. I think that it is just habit. I feel like there are times where people are trying to connect and so they say something in this like, oh, we're starting a conversation, but the comment is not appropriate. They're not starting a conversation, but we certainly see it in all sorts of situations. So one of the comments I got that was interesting on Instagram was tired, like why do people need to tell me I look tired? What is the point of that, which is also a very good question what is the point of letting somebody know oh my gosh, you look so tired. Thank you, I won't be changing that and my face will look like this all day and I'm just glad to know that I look tired. But if somebody had their body has changed, people will make comments on that. Pregnancy Also people don't like how people are expressing themselves, and this can be in all sorts of communities, but people will then need to make comments on that.
Speaker 1:
And what I find probably the most annoying and seemingly incredibly hurtful from what I've heard from other people are the jokes body and then, due to discomfort or embarrassment like now I'm laughing at it. Um, but a lot of people seem like very brazen to be able to make comments Again. I just think that this is so accepted in our culture and people aren't saying that much about it. And I will even say as much as maybe it was. A year and a half ago I was at just getting coffee after the gym with a group of people I used to go with that I don't because I don't enjoy their conversations but there was one woman who's't there and she said like oh, it's just so sad that you know she's put all this weight back on, and I was so floored I didn't really have anything to say and I'm not always good on the spot, um, so what I did say I was like, well, you know, weight loss is really like that's how it works. Many times we lose weight and gain weight. Like keeping weight off is really really difficult. If that happened today, I would have a different answer. So that's why I'm going to go over some things you can just kind of put in your pocket to have ready. Uh, cause, again, like I don't need to wake up at three o'clock in the morning and be like, oh, you know what I should have said.
Speaker 1:
So I want to kind of discuss some of these pieces and I can't even like go into the minds of why people say this stuff Like we're, like, do they think they're familiar? Familiar? I think some people are just being mean and judgmental and usually when I hear that, I know that that person has plenty that they could be working on. So they're not exactly the person and sometimes I hear it.
Speaker 1:
I really enjoy one woman's work on dressing what we wear and in you know, a body, neutral space and trying to find clothes that you enjoy, and I find people in her comments a lot are. You know when it's her outfit. So, like I love seeing somebody in a bigger body, I love that you're bigger and you wear these things. And I don't have a clue how she feels about that at all. I have never asked, I've never seen her comment. I just always find it interesting.
Speaker 1:
Like why the label? Why do you need to? You know, say like I'm so glad someone in your size body is dressing like this or talking about this? And again, like it's not for me to decide if that's an appropriate comment, because it's not coming to me, but it just seems like there are so many other things of like I love that outfit or those colors together look amazing. Wow, look at how you've accessorized it. Versus like I'm so glad that you're bigger and dressing like this, you know. Again, like that's just me, but it seems like there are much better ways to deliver your message, better ways to deliver your message. So I think it's really important to start normalize, not talking about bodies, because there are so many spaces where it is a conversation and there are a lot of people in that space that don't want it to be the conversation.
Speaker 1:
My best friend goes to a gym and the gal that runs the gym certainly doesn't live or work in the anti-diet, weight inclusive space. She's very weight centric. Weight loss is a priority, body size is a priority, and she seems pretty clear. That that's kind of what she's all about, whether she's aware of it or not. And there was a conversation because she got a sign outside of the gym and it was basically it was a body shaming sign. It's also like then that's an invitation for us to all come in and work out there, just so you know, like we keep tabs on your body because it was it was pertaining to like double chin or something just stupid like that. And also, I see that you're not trying to include, make an inclusive space. You're because you're just making body comments space. You're because you're just making body comments anyway. Um, my best friend like had a whole long conversation with her about this and I think, uh, you know, my best friend knows her well. She's also a white woman of straight size and holds certain privileges, and so it was easier for her to say listen, like this isn't appropriate for all of these 20 reasons I'm about to list, and I think that it certainly behooves us all, no matter what level of privilege that you have to speak up about it, and so hopefully, we'll walk away from this with some things that we can say.
Speaker 1:
Do you feel like the do-it-yourself approach to improving your healthy habits does nothing except feel overwhelming, guilt-inducing and defeating? You don't need more rules, influencers or structured programs. Let me help you discover what you want, what works for you and how to maintain healthy habits during the ever-changing circumstances of your life. If you're ready to create systems that stick head to heathersayerslaymancom, backslash health dash coaching and click let's do it, do it. So how do we normalize this? Well, I think making sure that we are doing this ourselves, that we are not talking about people's bodies, makes it pretty clear that that's how we feel, like that it's not any of our business and we shouldn't be talking about it. So, I think, first and foremost, making sure that you're modeling it and you're not joining in or adding comments.
Speaker 1:
And if somebody has said something to you like, there are options about what you can, and I will also say that some comments are made to be insults, some are made to be compliments, and I don't think that the person's intention really matters. It's what you want to have said to you, because I certainly had comments. You know, over the last many years just getting sick and through my illness, my weight changed a lot and I definitely had people saying things when I lost weight. My dad was the only one to say something to me really when I gained weight. He was just worried about my health. So that's, we can put a pin in that. Come back to that another day.
Speaker 1:
But on the receiving end, you don't have to receive them. So one option is just being direct, like please don't comment on my body. So it can be. Please don't comment on my shape, please don't comment on my weight, my body. But just being direct and having that like statement. And I think those types of things are extra powerful when it's a short statement. I'm not over explaining myself. I've just said to you what I want to happen.
Speaker 1:
You could take an approach of education, like did you know that making body comments can make people really self-conscious or they can make somebody's self-esteem worse? But you know, asking in a question but letting them know, like what can happen, because I think I mean, obviously I think it makes people self-conscious because you're talking about my body. I'm standing right here, so I know that your eyeballs are just assessing what's going on so you can educate people and let them know. Like you know, this is actually very hurtful. You know, if you're a little more uncomfortable, you can make a joke like, oh, I didn't know my body was being reviewed today, or I didn't know my body was up for assessment, if that feels comfortable, because again, you got to take an approach that works for you, so you can try to make it funny.
Speaker 1:
You can also, like, have a showdown and, you know, ask a more direct question like why do you feel so comfortable talking about my body? A more direct question like why do you feel so comfortable talking about my body and having it be a question, because that question should be followed up by an answer. I'm asking you a question, but have it be really direct and so that it's not unclear what you think about this comment and this can also be again for body changes, like pregnancy, because pregnancy is wild that your body is just like up for comments and people say the weirdest stuff of like oh, my gosh, you're carrying it so well, like, thank you, like I don't, I don't know what is happening, or what's like the ultimate compliment. If, like you can't tell somebody's pregnant, I mean, anyway, we could pin a pin in that one as well. But I do think that having that showdown energy is helpful if that is your vibe, because that is totally a lot more of my vibe of like putting somebody on the spot to explain yourself. And I think you know I feel like that would make somebody think twice about doing it again.
Speaker 1:
But again, like that can go for like somebody making just comments about like you looking tired or, um, you know, talking about like zits. And I will say this for myself if we're all being honest here, I just said something um to my physical therapist, who I love. She is a delight and I have been seeing her probably I mean over four years off and on, and she is just an angel on earth. And the other day I'm like thinking um, cause she kind of had a breakout and we are, like you know, jokey friends. And I was like, oh, like who's your friend here? And the second it came out of my mouth I was like, are you kidding me? Like did you really just say that? And I kind of then made assumptions like oh well, we're friends, no, it was not okay.
Speaker 1:
And um, and I didn't even have the presence of mind to say at that time of like, oh my God, I shouldn't have said that I'm sorry, because I am very comfortable when I have a big zit, of naming my zit and being like, oh, I'm sorry, I did not, you know, introduce you to Lucille right here. Hi, yeah, she'll be joining our conversation today and you know what, it doesn't matter, like what I think it, it really matters what's courteous to that person. So and I also say that just in being honest, that you know these are not all things that I just have licked, clearly I am not nailing it. I'm really trying to change kind of this culture that I grew up in for myself and others and I fall short on the regular for myself and others and I fall short on the regular. So the last piece about normalizing, not talking about bodies, is really speaking up for others. Like I feel like I could have done the woman more justice from my gym that the other lady you know talking about her weight regain, talking about her weight regain, I'd have a better answer now, especially like, don't you feel weird talking about her body? She's literally not even here and I would have said something kind of snarkier just because I didn't like the woman who said it, and so I didn't care if she liked me or not, but I think that that is really important and, again, depending on the kind of like, the level of privilege that you hold, making sure you're speaking up for others and just letting people know like ugh, like no, like this is, this is not appropriate, is a power dynamic too, and people are talking about you know more marginalized identities then absolutely I think that it's appropriate to say something. Okay. So, moving on to like what?
Speaker 1:
If I'm the commenter, which I guess those sections for me too I think some pieces, some pieces we don't even realize, because it's so natural to make a compliment about someone's body, which in and of itself, is so problematic. So, if we're looking at diet culture, making comments about somebody's body is really upholding the ideal body and we're saying like, oh my gosh, like you have lost weight, or your waist is so tiny, or like, oh my gosh, your butt looks so great, and that like comments like that, like we are also upholding a focus on the aesthetic, that the way that you look is really important, and I am just validating for you that your look is important. So it might not always be, even like, thinness related. And, um, I feel like you know, hopefully, as I don't even know what to say body positivity or just more inclusivity, more acceptance that not everybody looks like a Barbie. As we get closer to that, then I feel like also, people start making comments the other way too.
Speaker 1:
People start making comments the other way too, like, like I said, about um the gal with, um the stylist, that like, oh my gosh, I love seeing your bigger body. And again, it's like I feel like they're meaning it as a compliment, but also like, why am I talking about your body? I don't need to talk about your body, Um, and really sort of asking yourself what I'm trying to accomplish here. Am I trying to compliment your style? Am I trying to just say, like, I'm happy to see you? Am I trying to like, boost our connection? Am I trying to get a dig in? But, like, what really is behind it? I think because, once you can figure that out of like, oh, if I'm just trying to like build a connection, there's better ways to do that. And when people are talking about aesthetics, uh, I think understanding because, again, when I lost weight, I did receive compliments and for people like that, I'm like, like you know, an old guy from the coffee shop and I'm like well, bob, I'm glad that you have noticed that my body has changed and now we're actually having a conversation about it, which really Bob just wanted to talk about his health journey, so I think he just used that as a reason to talk to me. But when we are looking at aesthetics, we are going to certainly reiterating like you are your body, your worth is your body, but also we could be rewarding unhealthy behaviors. Certainly I have gotten compliments.
Speaker 1:
When I was at my thinnest, which those two times in my life were after divorcing my children's father, for one year I couldn't really eat. I was scared to death and so worried about money, so worried about my children, that I didn't eat. And people would be like, oh my gosh, thank you, I'm so miserable, but thank you so much for the compliment. And then, after the person that I broke up died by suicide, I did not eat for quite a while. And same same At least you look great. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, that's a good one.
Speaker 1:
Unhealthy behaviors so clearly after those like I was not eating because I was devastated, I was despondent, I was overwhelmed, I was depressed. Certainly after his death I was depressed. Also, in the realm of you know, quote unquote healthy bodies, there are a lot of disordered eating behaviors. People are not eating enough, people might be purging, they might be vomiting, they might be overexercising, they might be taking laxatives there's so many different behaviors that they could be doing and you're just like, oh my gosh, you look great, it's like you are reinforcing to them. You know what this laxative diarrhea business is really working for you. So, again, we don't want to be encouraging unhealthy behaviors for people to be able to get compliments. We can actually compliment so many things about them that don't involve body.
Speaker 1:
And, finally, I think, understanding how surveilling someone's body is creepy. So when we are talking about people's body, it's like, yeah, I looked you up and down, I looked you round and round and in my mind I was like this is good, this is bad. I mean just understanding that that's just creepy and gross. It's, I mean, judgmental. You're assessing the whole time, like what is working for you and what your brain is like yes, so it is creepy. So for the commenter, hopefully, like those pieces give you a little more clarity, like why we? We just don't want to.
Speaker 1:
And if I'm just at a loss of how to connect with somebody and I want to like have a nice greeting for them. So, my darling, darling physical therapist, that I mentioned her zit, that I mentioned her zit, I mean here are some things that I could say Um, so great to see you. Oh, my gosh, I'm so happy to see you. It's been a while, um, and whatever, like she has going on. Like I love this whole vibe that you have. Um, because it could be kind of like outfit mood. Um, you know the hair, like this whole vibe.
Speaker 1:
But I don't really specifically need to pick things out, I don't need to like kind of label what's good, um, but also what's been happening in your world. How's your week going? Anything exciting going on? Or, if it's been a minute like, oh, I've missed you, I feel like I haven't seen you in forever. Or like, oh, seeing you has made my day, I'm excited to run into you.
Speaker 1:
Like there are a lot of things to say to greet somebody that don't involve their body and it doesn't involve an assessment as well, it actually can hold some genuine emotion. So, hopefully, those you can stop rewind, stop, rewind, put some of those in your pocket to have ready Because, like man, if somebody was like, oh my gosh, seeing you just made my day, I'd be like, oh, come on, like that's so nice. So wouldn't that be a great thing to say to somebody else who doesn't want to hear I've missed you. As long as it's like, not my family, that's pointing out like I haven't been around very much, like I've missed you, is great. And so, finally, you just want to talk about kids, and again, like boy. This could go on and on.
Speaker 1:
But I think one of the more important things is teaching them about body diversity that bodies come in all shapes and sizes, different colors, different abilities, and that all bodies are good bodies. You have to remember what they're ingesting. And I think that body diversity is a bit better in children's media, but a lot of books and shows really just focus on straight sized bodies. So having different things and again, different books or different shows that showcase and have a lot of body diversity is so helpful for their normalization of different bodies. And again, I think that we see this a little bit more often and I certainly love it, and there really wasn't very much of it around, I think when my kids were growing up, and I know I didn't do a good job of teaching them about body diversity.
Speaker 1:
So if we could go in the Wayback Machine, I think that that would be really helpful, and especially with all bodies are good bodies, that some bodies aren't better than others, because I think that kids easily tune in into the hierarchy of bodies like, oh okay, like thin bodies are good, or muscular bodies are good, or fit bodies are good, because they see it like that's the hero and somebody in a large body it might be the villain or the butt of all the jokes. So understand, like what they're looking at, and then try to find measures where you can counter that, um, and I think, modeling appropriate behavior. I mean, obviously you don't want to be having those conversations with other people talking about people, other people's bodies, but making sure you're one to speak up. So we all know the grandparents can be problematic, but also, um, you know, other people say weird stuff too and there are a lot of people that will criticize their own body too. And I think being one to speak up on others behalf, um, if somebody is insulting themselves or being insulted, but to be the one to be like this is not okay, this is not good and certainly never somebody is talking about their body being too big, like, oh, you're not big, you're beautiful. Like that's a no, because big and beautiful exists at the same time. But you know like it sounds like you're trying to. You know, cut yourself down Like. I hate to hear you talk about yourself like that. You know I love you so much and you know, just focusing on like. And you know, just focusing on like we don't want our friends and family to be mean to themselves. And also, I think that it's so challenging because there's so many reasons, I think, why this happens and I always feel very uncomfortable when I hear people cutting down their bodies, especially people. I don't know well and I understand, like, the reasons why somebody does that.
Speaker 1:
And you can certainly also say because, again, like being in a large body should be like a neutral sentiment, like somebody is in a small body or somebody has darker skin, somebody has lighter skin, a neutral sentiment like somebody is in a small body or somebody has darker skin, somebody has lighter skin. Um, but just speaking up, if we feel like somebody is trying to be mean to themselves, um, even though what they're saying is not necessarily being mean, I hope that makes sense. Um, because, just talking about your body being larger doesn't mean you're being mean to themselves. But I definitely hear people, um, oh, I could ease up on this, or oh my gosh, I definitely don't need to eat like this much, like I could hardly get these pants on, or you know things like that and which it's always. It just makes things weird, like because it's like I don't really know what to say to that.
Speaker 1:
And I think just also conversations with your kids when you're hearing those things later, like that's a great teaching opportunity about what they're hearing and helping them to kind of make sense of it too. I know my oldest oh my gosh, she was really young and we were shopping in a store and we were. He was in the cart and we passed by a gentleman who had very dark skin and my son said, oh my gosh, that guy is so black. And he literally just meant like this guy has really dark skin. And I actually don't remember what I said in that, but I was trying to reflect of like what I think is appropriate, and so I think you know it could be appropriate to apologize, and apologizing for like I'm sorry, like we're just learning to not talk about other people's body because saying somebody is black is not an insult, it is an observation in this case, and we don't want our kids observing out loud everybody's different bodies.
Speaker 1:
So I think that it can be a bit confusing to kids, like when they're making an observation but having a conversation about it at another time of like you know what, like we just don't talk about other people's bodies and you can kind of go into reasons for that that. It is a little bit invasive and we don't want to make people uncomfortable and that, again, the all bodies are good bodies and we shouldn't really be, um, discussing other people's bodies and I don't know. Um, I certainly have heard different people say different things, certainly in the um realm of disabilities. Like some people are like oh yes, please have your kid ask me. Some people are like no, train your kid not to ask me.
Speaker 1:
I don't know, I can't even really speak to that, but for me I feel comfortable like apologizing and using it in the tenet of you know, we're learning not to talk about other people's bodies.
Speaker 1:
So those are my thoughts on body talk and hopefully you can kind of glean some things because again, I it just breaks my heart sometimes when people talk about how people have talked about their body, and I know that, um, you know, usually those people are struggling with their self-esteem and how they feel about their body anyway, and then to have people piping in um isn't helpful.
Speaker 1:
So hopefully we can stop making comments, myself included, and have some better comebacks when people are saying things, so that we can kind of be part of changing that culture and making sure that we're speaking up for other people as well, and especially people that aren't there. I just think that it's a challenge to think of things that are more interesting to talk about, but it is a challenge we are all up for, because we absolutely don't always need to resort to sort of the lowest common denominator and just talking about bodies. All right, hopefully that gives you a lot to think about and we will see you here real soon. As always, please follow show, or you can leave a five-star review on Apple or Spotify. That would be fun to see in the next episode.
