The Air We Breathe: Finding Well-Being That Works for You
E54. Why It’s So Difficult To Let Go of Perfectionism and Steps to Stop with Health Coach Heather Sayers Lehman
Jul 10, 2024Season 2Episode 54
You know how "perfect" is supposed to be the ultimate compliment? 🙋🏻♀️
You LOOK perfect! 😍 Your WORK is perfect! 👍🏼 Your KIDS did perfect! 🏆 Your HOME is perfect! 🏡
Then one day you wake up so exhausted from chasing perfection that you chuck it all out the window...but then you get so afraid of NOT being perfect that you scoop it all back up and try again tomorrow?
If you haven't guessed it, today's podcast episode is all about perfectionism.
Perfectionism is more than meets the eye.
For many, it began as a tool in childhood to stay safe and fly under the radar.
Perfectionism is also celebrated when people have perfect grades or perfect attendance.
This can quickly shift to those perceived to have "perfect bodies" with higher value within societies.
We will talk about how perfectionism is rooted in fear—fear of being wrong, fear of not being "enough," fear of messing up.
It takes practice and understanding to turn towards things like self-kindness and self-compassion to drive away perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a common struggle, but it's not insurmountable. With the right tools and understanding, many can break free from its grip.
I hope this episode leaves you feeling empowered to navigate away from perfectionism in a way that's right for you.
You know how "perfect" is supposed to be the ultimate compliment? 🙋🏻♀️
You LOOK perfect! 😍 Your WORK is perfect! 👍🏼 Your KIDS did perfect! 🏆 Your HOME is perfect! 🏡
Then one day you wake up so exhausted from chasing perfection that you chuck it all out the window...but then you get so afraid of NOT being perfect that you scoop it all back up and try again tomorrow?
If you haven't guessed it, today's podcast episode is all about perfectionism.
Perfectionism is more than meets the eye.
For many, it began as a tool in childhood to stay safe and fly under the radar.
Perfectionism is also celebrated when people have perfect grades or perfect attendance.
This can quickly shift to those perceived to have "perfect bodies" with higher value within societies.
We will talk about how perfectionism is rooted in fear—fear of being wrong, fear of not being "enough," fear of messing up.
It takes practice and understanding to turn towards things like self-kindness and self-compassion to drive away perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a common struggle, but it's not insurmountable. With the right tools and understanding, many can break free from its grip.
I hope this episode leaves you feeling empowered to navigate away from perfectionism in a way that's right for you.
That voice of perfection tells us when we're not doing it right, when we're doing it wrong, we're not doing a good enough job. This is sort of like B minus work, when you really should be getting an A, and that causes a lot of fear and anxiety and all of those same feelings start coming back up. What am I afraid of? And I think that is such a great question to ask yourself afraid of, and I think that is such a great question to ask yourself. Hi, and welcome to the Air we Breathe, finding well-being that works for you. I'm your host, heather Sayers-Layman. I'm a National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and Certified Personal Trainer. I help you get organized and consistent with healthy habits, without rules, obsession or exhaustion.
Speaker 1:
This podcast may contain talk about eating disorders and disordered eating. There could also be some adult language here. Choose wisely if those are problematic for you. Hi, and welcome to this episode. Today we are talking about perfection. If you're anything like me, when you hear perfection, you're like oh boy, because you know that I'm coming for you and that's also know that I am your sister in recovery from perfectionism. It is so interesting when you look at these facets of perfectionism, and that's what I really want to do today. I'm going to break it down because there are so many pieces that I was never conscious of and I really looked at the whole thing like a me issue, which, when you are in any systems or cultures that's the biggest plot twist is everything is supposed to be made to look like a you issue, and it's not a you issue. But I'm also going to talk about how we can move away from it, because it's not helpful. It's such a drain on our energy and mental health. So let's kind of break this down a little bit. And somebody actually reached out to me and they were talking about intuitive eating and perfection, because they were trying to work on their relationship with food and they were trying to move into a more comfortable, relaxed, easeful place with food and following the tenets of intuitive eating food. And following the tenets of intuitive eating and if you're not familiar, intuitive eating is on its fourth edition and it's by Evelyn Triboli and Elise Resch and it's the tenets that I follow for my relationship with food.
Speaker 1:
I am a certified intuitive eating counselor and have recovered from orthorexia, which is extreme clean eating, which I found to be incredibly debilitating, by intuitive eating. So there's an explanation for that, but it's also one of those things. So my extreme clean eating, total perfectionism. And that perfectionism existed because I was so afraid of getting more sick. So I'd already been diagnosed with thyroid disease and I just really fell prey to many of the influencers, people that are full of it, who promote food as medicine in a way that I could really heal myself if I wanted to. And that also really doesn't go well with perfectionism, because if you're doing it well enough, then you should be able to fix this. So for my personality it was like oh, is this a dare? But really it was all wrapped around fear and control, because I was very afraid of getting more sick. I this started before I had my thyroid out, which again felt like such a failure because I didn't quote-unquote cure myself.
Speaker 1:
And I think that the perfectionism that I learned definitely was to my detriment in this area of my life, because I was trying to do clean eating so perfectly that then I couldn't eat out, I couldn't meet friends for a meal, I ended up eating alone a lot because I control my food better, um, and I just don't even think that I really ever do a good job of encapsulating how dysfunctional that is and isolating and the toll it takes um mentally, because those decisions are all fearful and anxious and the rigidity is really costly. Anyway, I understand what this person is saying of like, oh my gosh, like, am I intuitively eating right, which seems like almost like a nonsensical. Like am I intuitively? Like listening to my body in the right way? And if we go in the way, way, way back machine, like I will say, certainly, growing up as a girl, I was absolutely in a place where perfectionism got me a lot of the things that I wanted. So, um, a story about little Heather. I believe that my parents were still married when this happened, which my parents got divorced when I was five. So little Heather is four or five and coloring in our coloring book, and then she decides to bring it to her dad to show her what she colored for him and to this day I can remember him saying like, oh, like you got outside of the lines here and here. I don't know what else he said, but I brought him something that I made for him and he pointed out to me what was wrong with it.
Speaker 1:
So many years later, many internalized messages later, that I needed to do things right or I was going to get criticism which, like, wouldn't it be great as a five-year-old if I was like? This is kind of like horseshit, because I don't know why you're being so critical. It's a great picture, but that is not the way that the mind of a child works and we see things very differently when we're small. What is said to me was for approval, I need to do a really good job, it needs to be perfect, and that approval extends to feeling, taking care of, feeling, love, being connected, belonging and, as a child, like we are really primal creatures. So that means like, am I going to be, you know, out of this group if I am not perfect? So again, like, children internalize messages in a different way because they're children and it doesn't always like make sense to us as an adult, but that's how we perceive things and it's very appropriate for our developmental age.
Speaker 1:
So I definitely learned perfectionism, growing up also in a chaotic household as a way to stay off the radar. My brother, who had a lot more behavioral issues and at the time you know we're in our fifties now that was, you know he was quote, unquote, you know a bad kid, but he most likely needed um therapy and medication. Um, and at that time that's not what we did to kids with behavioral problems, unfortunately. So my brother acted out a lot and he got in a lot of trouble and I was like, ooh, you know what, I'm not going to do that because that doesn't look very fun. I'm going to work on being perfect and um.
Speaker 1:
From a values based in my family, um, being attractive was very important to my mother, like I was always being dressed and like um, you know, so that I would be cute and doing my hair or bows in my hair, whatever it was. Um, being attractive was a high priority and so I wanted to make sure that then I always looked nice. Um, that kept me safe getting good grades, being good, definitely staying off the radar, not getting in trouble, so all of those things kind of intertwined. Certainly, grade wise, well, you need to be pretty perfect to get all A's and that's absolutely what I did. And you know those things are in service because as a culture, we do really applaud things that are perfect. So I got perfect grades, I got perfect attendance, then I got a scholarship. I didn't get a scholarship, but somebody could.
Speaker 1:
But I think that it's really important to understand the applause, the accolades, the things that go along with perfectionism, that are highly rewarded and, as we're growing up like we're no dummies, like okay, well, this seems like a safe place to be, so maybe I'll stay over here. So also, there are a lot of like different cultural pieces. Certainly, as a woman, I am well aware that most many leadership positions are men and to be able to compete with men you need to be better, and that's why there are more women now who are college educated and yet still many of the leadership positions are men. But it certainly behooves women to be better and better if they're trying to compete against a culture that has been really rooted in men being more successful really rooted in men being more successful.
Speaker 1:
Do you feel like the do-it-yourself approach to improving your healthy habits does nothing except feel overwhelming, guilt-inducing and defeating? You don't need more rules, influencers or structured programs. Let me help you discover what you want, what works for you and how to maintain healthy habits during the ever-changing circumstances of your life. If you're ready to create systems that stick head to heathersayerslaymancom backslash health dash coaching and click, let's do it.
Speaker 1:
So again, like these are all really smart adaptations when we're growing up, and certainly as an adult, what happens is that voice of perfection tells us when we're not doing it right, when we're doing it wrong, we're not doing a good enough job. This is sort of like B minus work, when you really should be getting an A, and that causes a lot of fear and anxiety and all of those same feelings start coming back up. We're like oh my gosh, like is this mean? Like I'm not going to be loved or I'm not going to be part of the community. Like I'm not going to be loved or I'm not going to be part of the community, like what am I afraid of? And I think that is such a great question to ask yourself is like, what is it that I'm afraid of?
Speaker 1:
And I notice that when, especially if I have, like a client that is giving me feedback that I've messed something up, I feel embarrassed because I feel like they are trusting me to do a job and I should deliver them a perfect product and I haven't, I have failed. And I think that, starting to look at that from almost more and I don't mean it in a rude way, but like a common sense way of like yeah, I made a mistake, that is a typo, like I missed it. And to be more pragmatic about like of course I'm going to make a mistake, like these things happen. But really, looking at the fears that come up with, well, what happens if I'm not intuitively eating quite perfectly? And this person that asked me was actually coaching? So then like, oh my gosh, if I'm not doing this perfectly, how am I supposed to coach people and teach them to do it perfectly? And then I'm not going to be doing a good job and I don't know, maybe somebody will find out and they'll be like, oh my gosh, she really sucks, she doesn't know what she's talking about. Then I'll be a fraud, or't know, maybe somebody will find out and they'll be like, oh my gosh, she really sucks, she doesn't know what she's talking about.
Speaker 1:
Then I'll be a fraud, or you know, all of these different things can really come up and we just don't always stop to look at, like what is actually causing this? Like what is underneath this, what is actually causing this? Like what is underneath this? So I think there are a lot of realities within perfectionism, because are some people really rude if it's not perfect? Yes, one of my girlfriends does amazing graphics and she does a lot of work, like within World War II, and she put out this infographic about some different things about World War II. She's a buff. I can't even tell you like what these things are, but you know putting it online and then people are like that's not the Canadian flag during the time of the war and like you know, what else was it? Like, oh, that tank is not the right one, or like all these different things. Because, again, like, people need to comment, like do you need to do this? But apparently they feel the need to. It doesn't usually ding this moment. It dings a lot of old stuff where you felt like you haven't measured up and there are things that we can do with this.
Speaker 1:
And I think going in the Wayback Machine is always helpful and looking at like memories, you know, because, again, like my core memory of my dad criticizing my crayon drawing and my coloring book that I gave to him, and obviously that doesn't stand alone. You know, these things don't happen in a vacuum and that probably wasn't the only one and I know that it wasn't the only one. And, um, I also don't think, in having conversations with my dad about that now, um, it was kind of the way he is, and I don't think like he's necessarily being mean or cruel. Um, I think that my dad was a father at 22 after he came back from Vietnam and his mother died when he was 13 and he didn't know how to parent and, um, that became part of his parenting. So, anyway, we'll do an episode on forgiveness and we'll talk about all of that.
Speaker 1:
Back to perfectionism. There is fear because people will say something. So you may very well like kind of get cut down and like that happens, but it starts to cost because, especially as we take on more responsibilities, we get older, we have a bandwidth. This is my emotional, my physical, my mental bandwidth and I just don't always have the time or energy to do everything perfectly. And isn't that okay? Like, can we make that okay? So I feel like when I talk about this, it is an act of self kindness and self compassion to leave perfectionism behind, because what if I had bandwidth for things that were important to me, instead of obsessing over something and making it perfect? And you know this comes in.
Speaker 1:
I see this in a lot of different groups and I think around eating there was a lot of hubbub about perfectionism, and I see it in recovery groups as well, of like, oh you know I'm not eating this right or I really blew it because you know I ate quote unquote too much. Whatever it is, there's always this you know I'm not doing it right and if I do a really deep dive here, these things all feel like you issues, like you're just obsessed with perfectionism or you know you just need to, like, calm down, you need to take it down a notch. But these absolutely are tools of much greater systemic issues and when I first started hearing about this, my brain just couldn't comprehend. It didn't make sense to me. So you may be in that boat and it won't make sense to you, but then I will be one of the first people to start talking about this and hopefully you'll hear it more and it will make more sense.
Speaker 1:
But absolutely, perfectionism is a tool certainly of the patriarchy and ultimately, of white supremacy. And again, I will say when I first started hearing these conversations like they really didn't I couldn't make it land and I think when people would start to talk about white supremacy, I would get uncomfortable and I would be like, ah, I don't know, I don't know what to do with this information. So I get it If you're like, ah, but follow me here. So we look at patriarchy, and patriarchy is obviously upholding positions of power to men and it behooves men in powerful positions to have women who are not threatening their power. So if I can be worried about coloring outside of the lines or what my bangs look like or the size of my waist, I am no threat to power because I'm at home. I can't even leave the house because my body doesn't look like what it's supposed to be. So I'm absolutely not going to be raising up and pushing back against that system.
Speaker 1:
And these concepts get pushed to us so early that, like my podcast title, the Air we Breathe it is the air we breathe. We only know that as like. Well, this is how I'm a good girl, this is how I stay safe, this is how I move forward, this is how I achieve, this is how I get recognized. So it absolutely has wins. So it absolutely has wins. And the twist that I really struggled with and I want to say it was Sonia Renee Taylor when I was listening on Glennon Doyle and Abby Wambach and Sister Amanda's podcast we Can Do Hard Things because they were talking about Glennon's recovery from anorexia and I, sonia Renee Taylor, did a great job of coming on and explaining that within her recovery, it was really important to understand that this drive for thinness and this drive for perfection is actually part of the machine that is white supremacy.
Speaker 1:
White supremacy because if she's engaging in that behavior, she is retaining her proximity to power, her proximity to white men and with that, she is absolutely stepping over anybody who has a more marginalized identity and keeping her power. She is stepping over people and depleting more of their power and influence. I will put in the show notes what episode that was, because it was really interesting to me and I have read her book. The Body is Not an Apology is a fantastic read. And again, just as a white woman who has grown up cisgender, heterosexual, straight size my whole life, it's a lot of things that I haven't had to think about and I think it's high time that I started thinking about these things and that's why I started studying more, because fancying myself as somebody who doesn't understand anybody outside of herself is definitely nothing I want to be a part of. She really did a great job of explaining.
Speaker 1:
You are stepping on my neck and trying to get ahead in this way and I thought it was really interesting to look at Glennon and her recovery and her eating disorder and how that is a way of retaining power and proximity. I also understand what it's like being inside of an eating disorder and it doesn't feel like that. I will also say I am well aware of the opportunities, the privileges and also the respect which is silly that I get for my body, being closer to quote, unquote an ideal body. These things we cannot act like. These things aren't true because I have been in a larger body and absolutely my health care was worse. I did not feel as respected or I wasn't as engaged by some people when I was in a larger body, and some of it is just palpable, some of it's it's very noticeable and I think it's also important to always like, understand that.
Speaker 1:
Like no wonder people try to be close to perfect, because the way that we treat people who quote unquote aren't perfect is appalling. Perfect is appalling, and the fat phobia and the anti-fat nature of our culture in general it's like duh. Like no wonder people are clamoring to try to meet that ideal because they don't like the way that they're treated when they don't. So these things all make sense and the piece that has helped me with perfectionism it's just one piece, because it's all a big puzzle. Right Is to look at the fact that who I want to be? No, and that is why I try to speak to equity and justice and talk about these things, because I don't want to be part of the problem anymore. I have been part of the problem for a long time.
Speaker 1:
So when we're looking at perfectionism and intuitive eating, like it is helpful, I think, to be like, okay, so this perfectionism is basically me just doing a dance and really falling in line with what the patriarchy has designed the entire construct for. I'm over here worrying about, oh, no, am I intuitively eating right? Like am I doing well on step seven? Or like, oh, what about number one? And I am not standing up to oppressive factions. I am not, you know, going out and raising hell and making sure that I am pushing back against things that are trying to oppress marginalized communities or myself. No, again, I'm at home worrying about my bangs and my waist and the sides of my butt and, oh, is my skin clear enough? All of these things.
Speaker 1:
So when we start to hear this perfectionism things, so when we start to hear this perfectionism, realizing like, oh, I'm playing the game, I am absolutely playing the game, I'm keeping myself small and I'm making myself, doubt myself, all to really just fall in line. So that is helpful for me. And I think it's helpful because, you know, I'm more rebellious by nature and like I don't want some dude telling me what to do. And then when I find myself doing these things, it's like, oh, some dude is telling you what to do, don't get it wrong, you are doing what you're supposed to do. So that absolutely helps me check myself. Some people have like smaller conversations within their head about the perfectionism and I talk about the committee in our heads all the time and there's this voice that is always happy to point out what I'm doing wrong. And again, that keeps me small, that keeps me obsessing over typos, that would keep my friend like not sleeping as much because she wants to make sure the Canadian flag is absolutely perfect on her graphics, and just understanding that.
Speaker 1:
It was a blessing at one point to be a perfectionist because it kept us safe, we had accomplishments, we got accolades, and now it is more of a curse and it is exhausting. It can be really debilitating. It's tedious, it keeps us from having focus on things that are truly important in bringing joy, being in service to other people, making sure our life feels full and complete, because if we are just obsessing over these things, we can't really appreciate the big picture. So hopefully, in like these different ways, you can see how perfectionism really does hold you back, very big picture or smaller picture, and you have to go with the one that works for you, like for where you are today. And you know, I really think that we just start taking small steps to be like no, I'm not fixing that, no, I'm not going to change that. Like ugh, I'm going to let that go.
Speaker 1:
And being uncomfortable, feeling that discomfort and even like walking through a conversation with yourself, journaling as you know, I have a great journal download at heatherserislaymancom Backlash Journal and walking through it and being like what is this voice? Who is talking to me about this and why do I feel like I need to be so obedient to it? So asking yourself a lot of questions when these things come up and making the smallest efforts to say no, not fixing it. And I also think it is really, really important to not participate with other people Because, again, people making comments on like friends, work online, not necessary, get to life, do something else, but don't be that person that needs to pop in and let people know that they've messed something up. If I've asked you, yes, I'm all ears, but unsolicited advice of letting people know that they're not perfect, you are then perpetuating the system and you are keeping people small and you are having them focus on something that maybe their eyes shouldn't be on it anyway. So some lessons for us all here, but I will absolutely be talking about perfection in the future too, because it's such a huge topic and it's really challenging to walk away from. But just understand, see those marionette strings when you feel that coming up and understand you're being played and you are a pawn in the game when we participate in it. Lots to think about. I'll see you soon.
Speaker 1:
Thanks so much for listening today. Do you know what would be really fun If you popped over to my Instagram at Heather Sayers Lehman and dropped me a DM and let me know what topics you want me to cover? Something bugging you? Something holding you up? Please just let me know and I will tweak some content and get an episode out, just for you. As always, please follow the show or you can leave a five star review on Apple or Spotify. That would be fun too. See you in the next episode.
