Sales Is Scary As Sh*t!

The third installment of our October Workplace Horrors highlights the frightening- and yet hilarious- world of Sales! Business Development roles are the largest demographic of this podcast (woot! woot!)- so it is about time we focused on something to entertain all of you.

The sales role can provide an adrenaline rush (nothing like closing a deal!) and complete anguish. There is a saying in Sales- you are only as good as your last sale- that places an expiration date on your worth in any company.  Sales is more than just smooth talkers and golfers; Sales is a real grind! We salute you, good salespeople!

This episode has it all- murder, mistaken identity, drugs and loose morals, and so much more.  Enjoy this latest respite into the dark world of workplace horrors!

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The Toxic Tea Room podcast is for entertainment purposes only. Neither the toxic tea room nor its parent. That one. Booth Productions, LLC, is responsible for the statement or opinions of its guests, submissions, content derived from publicly available sources, or your inability to close a sale. You need better sales techniques, period. Regardless, this podcast and our parent company are not responsible for any actions due to any content produced in this podcast. Listeners are encouraged to vet any recommendations with certified professional personnel. For more information in our disclaimer, as well as to see some amazing additional content, finish your updates in salesforce and visit WW toxictroom.com. Greetings, listeners. I am Roberta. And I'm, um stella. Welcome to the toxic tea room. Uh, hi stell. Hi. And hello to all of our listeners around the world, because we literally have listeners around the world. Does that blow your mind sometimes? Yeah, it's pretty cool. I mean, we've got people listening to us right now in a completely different time zone. And I don't just mean Central Time or Pacific Time, but, like, on a totally different part of the world. It's amazing to me. And so we thank everybody for your continued support. Keep listening. Subscribe all that fun stuff that we're going to remind you about at the end of the podcast. We really appreciate all of you. And listen, our Halloween fall season. I love fall so much. Yes, I love fall. Um, and it's been focusing on workplace horror stories, but, um, this time we want to kind of shift our focus a tidbit to pay attention to the horrors of the role that is simultaneously celebrated and hated in nearly every organization. That, uh, has to be sales. You are correct. Sales, business development, market development, all the names, all the titles, and currently one of our largest listener demographics. So shout out to sales. You think they listen to us on the way to a meeting or on the way to the golf course? Um, at home? I don't know. I'm just glad that you guys listen and we're dedicating this episode to you. I would say it's so true that salespeople are both loved and hated. Like, I hate used car salesmen. No disrespect. Oh, God. Yeah. No, all the disrespect get a better job. Hate used car salespeople. Well, if you come across like that, right, you come across, uh let me show you this piece of junk. Pull a feel. Felt found. I know how you feel. I felt the same way until I found out. Shut up. Be better. Good God. Uh, but they are important. They're the ones that bring the revenue in. That is their primary responsibility. Yes, it is an incredible amount of pressure, because the saying is, you're only as good as your last sale. So imagine bringing home, like, uh, this whale of a deal, and everybody celebrates, and then they look at you and, like, so what'd you do today? What's next? What's next. Exactly. And it is a difficult job. So there's a perception that salespeople just mess around on golf courses all day or go out to dinner with clients. And certainly there is some of that. But most of the sales role, speaking of someone led a sales organization, is beating your head against the wall. It's looking for leads. It's trying to find opportunities. It's chasing down the decision makers. It's really a hard job. So shout out to all of you guys. But it also doesn't give you the right to be dicks. I'm just saying it be nice to the people that support you and make your value proposition real. I'll give them one more prop. They have to be nice to people when they don't feel like being nice to people. Well, and that alone deserves because we all know how I feel about it. Um, so we're joined today by our producer, T Bone. That is his name. That is how we refer to him. I didn't pick it. It's not his government name, but he is Producer T Bone. We thought it would be fun to have him on the mic to react. So he has no idea what we're going to cover other than we told him it was going to be another workplace horror story episode and that we were going to focus on sales. He has no heads up on any of the stories we're going to cover today. And we thank him for coming on just to react. Um, and for those of you in the listening audience asking yourself, who gives a shit? Why are you having your producer on? You'll understand when he reacts, his laughter is so contagious. We thought it would be a welcome respite. Um, and his guffaws are even better. So we're hoping to use him as a barometer for the types of stories that we're bringing on board today. So thank you for joining us. T Bone. We appreciate having you. Yes. You go, girls. Okay, so, uh, you're at a ten. I need you at, like, a four. We're just starting out. Thanks. Appreciate you. Yeah. Um, okay, so I'm going to start us off then if we're good with that. And these are stories that, again, we've gleaned from glassdoor gizmodo silo tips. Uh, I think there's something called the kick in there or something. Uh, just a lot of fun stuff out there on the Internet. And we gleaned our favorite from those sources. I'm going to kick us off with an appropriately gory sales horror story. Because if we don't have blood and gore this time of year, I mean, what are we doing? Right? What are we doing? Um, I'm excited. Let's get going. I'm going to name this one the Implementation. Kickoff. That's what I'm going to name it. On the day our work was to begin, I was to meet the homeowner at the job site. Along with my installation crew. We were to go over the proposed plans and get contracts signed. My crew and I arrived at the house that morning a little early. And the man of the house, a very, very large man, I might add, and I'm going to stop there and say if that doesn'tie into this story somehow the size of your customer, I don't know why it was added. Right. Um, but hopefully it ties in. If it doesn't, I'm going to go back and call this guy out for just body shaming. Right. Honestly, I'll just be fair. I don't care how big my customer is, as long as their pen works. Like, it's not any of my business. But he felt it necessary to add a very large man, I might add. Had not yet that guy, uh, in. A little coat, still at a ten. Still need you at a four. Okay. Thanks, T Bone. Thanks, T Bone. Had not yet arrived at the home from his place of business. A few minutes away, the owner's large pit bull came roaring at us on the driveway with a mangled chicken stolen from his Master's coupe. Clearly having worked on this chicken for a while. The chicken was, however, still alive. So this chicken is gurgling away. Oh, my God. And it's become very apparent that I had to put this poor creature out of its misery and quickly grabbing a two x four wooden board from our work truck, I took the chicken and began ramming his head into the ground with the board as hard as I could. I don't know if the ground was too soft or if chickens are incredibly resilient, but this chicken would not die. Maybe it was zombie chicken. Maybe it was already dead. Maybe the pit bull killed it, is my theory. And it became a zombie chicken. And you're just hitting it with the board. And the zombie chicken is like, just wait till you stop hitting me and I'm going to tear you apart. Maybe that's what happened. I don't know. Let's keep going. Maybe we should make this a movie anyway. Go ahead. Well, they did Cocaine Bear, so zombie chicken. Let's go. Zombie um, chicken. Zombie chicken. The harder I hit it with the board, the louder the chicken groaned. This went on for some time, and it was quite amusing to the crew. Because you're sadists. What the how is it amusing? Um who were laughing as I pounded the bird into the ground again and again in all the commotion, we did not notice that the homeowner pulled up behind us in his truck. There we were in his driveway, laughing and carrying on, beating one of his chickens to death with a two x four. After the guy's initial shock and my heartfelt explanation of the unfortunate circumstances, the homeowner eventually let us begin the job. Looking back, I'm not sure I would have done things any differently. You sure there's nothing? If you look back, there's literally nothing you could have done differently. The only lessons I learned that day were number one, don't kill another man's chicken. Sound advice. And number two, don't try to kill another man's chicken with a two x four. It doesn't work. Well, if you pay attention to number one, there's no need to worry about lesson two. Wow, I could envision that in my head. This poor chicken. I hope it was a zombie chicken and went and pecked somebody's eyes out after all of that. Well, where did the pit bull go? I don't know that's so you stella to pick out that one little detail like the pit bull showed up with a mangled chicken in its chicken and it just stopped and went away. Just said, yeah, maybe the pit bull knew I've created a zombie chicken and was the smart one and ran off. I don't know. Right. There's no follow up story, idiot. With the two x four. I'm going to bam moose. Yeah. Just oh, gosh. Okay, well, I'm going to move away from zombie chicken thank you. To go in another direction. Okay, here's the story. I am selling printed services in chicago, and, uh, I am probably not as good as I am persistent. Self awareness is a beautiful thing. It is. It took six months of phone calls and mailed literature to finally get into the president's office of the company that I wanted to sell to very badly. Congratulations. It took less than 30 seconds to undo half a year of time and effort. Um, okay. I finally nailed this guy down to an appointment and wanted to make a really good first impression. I figured that this president would look at me as either a strong, persistent salesman or a pest. The answer is b. I know he would dispose of a pest as quickly as he could. So as I walked into his office, I looked for something on the wall or on his desk that I could use for a little opening small talk. Okay. John madden. I cried, pointing to an eight by ten photograph on his credenza. Every football fan knows the 300 plus pound football commentator. He was probably the best commentator at the time, despite having an ugly mug that could stop a bus. How did you get a photograph of yourself with your arm around john madden? I asked him. My report building efforts crashed in flames when the president slowly answered, that is not john madden. That is my wife. Damn mic drop. Okay, but who's the real loser here? Because he'll go on to his next prospect, and this guy's married to john madden's clone. I'm just saying, who's the real loser here? And perhaps I'm sure, uh, that person would have loved to have done something differently, I'm sure. But, um, I think there's a few lessons here. If your wife looks like john madden, don't put her in an ah, eight by ten on your credenza for everyone to look at maybe just a smaller picture that only faces you. I don't know. Good God. All right. I mean, a side note, um, kudos for getting in at a president level. I mean, fair point. Good, right? You worked your ass off. You ruined it. But again, went down in flames. Went down in flames. Do you know what would have been funny is if the president was joking and it really was John Madden. He's like, gotcha, uh, that would have. Been hilarious, but only because he wanted to get rid of the sales guy anyway. I just don't know. What if that happened? What if that happened? What if he's like, okay, you know what? That's my wife. Because I would think the salesperson if, uh, that were me, I'd be like, and she's beautiful. And I would just start going. I would just start thank you for having me. I really appreciate the time. We'll make this quick. And here we go. I wouldn't have just thrown it out. I would have done my best. I'm sure he was embarrassed. I'm sure that probably sent him back. But a sales pro can recover. A sales pro recovers from that. I'd be more worried about his wife chasing me in the parking lot. Honestly. Tackling. Tackling me. You know, uh, what you should not have to chase, though. Results. Smart companies reach out to supply chain experts at Escatena. Escatena applies decades of experience with dedication to delivering real value really fast. Learn how Escatena can help your company unleash uncommon results@escatenna.net. That is escatena net. So let's unleash a different kind of result when you probably don't want, unlike the Escatenna results with our next story. Ready? Yes. I will just say, uh, this next one I don't know how I keep getting stuck with these industrial stories about things I know literally nothing about. It's the universe. Uh, I don't see anything associated with tapping anything, so I'm feeling more confident. But nevertheless, here we go. I sell a line of welding products and alloys, and as part of my job I'm sorry. And part of my job entails doing demonstrations to show the customers how well the product works. I was working on a relatively new customer and had just done a seminar on cutting and torch safety. I was back again, trying to move the company from a couple of small orders to a real larger client. Okay, so he's building relationships, right? He's in there. He's going to milk this cow. He's like, okay, I've gotten a couple of squirts from the utter, but I know there's a lot more milk there. I want all the milk. Right? That's what he's trying to do. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. Here we go. Utterly ridiculous. Utterly ridiculous. Yes. Thank you, t bone. That Dave's demonstration was for a new type of oxygen cutting. Lance, I have to stop here, because when I first see this oxygen cutting, my initial non technical self says, why are you cutting oxygen? Right. To make hydrogen? That's called a bomb used in the torch. Do you actually know about this? T Bone? Um, the oxygen is one of the gases that helps fuel the torch to get it really hot so that it cuts through. Okay, I guess that makes sense. T Bone uh, anyway, he says, I had all the guys around for the demo, and they chose a huge piece of steel for me to cut through. I took out one rod and started blasting through the material. The demo was going great. As I showed off our hot new equipment, the maintenance man got a phone call. I heard him say, quote, we're just doing some cutting in the maintenance department. End quote. I finished the demo, and besides the smoldering metallic debris on the floor and some burning sawdust, I had done just fine. I wrote up the quote for the supervisor and left the plant. As I was checking out with the security guard, he advised me that I had, quote, caused quite a commotion back there. End quote. I asked him specifically what he meant. He said the smoke from the maintenance department had come up through the mailroom and into the office, causing the entire building to be evacuated. This would not have been too bad, but there was a big corporate meeting that day, and my fiasco demonstration had evacuated the president, vice president, chairman, CEO, treasurer, and the entire office staff. At the time the guard was telling me this story, he was laughing, which got me laughing, too. My district manager and I were both laughing hysterically as we walked to our car in the parking lot. The maintenance supervisor still has not returned my call, though, so, needless to say, I did not get the business. You might say I was fired for burning my customer. Seriously? Is it funny now? Is it funny now? Are you laughing now? Homie. Yeah, I am. Uh oh, my God. I don't even have words. Well, when you don't want to get burned while trying to fill those open positions at your company, you need a solid partner that won't cause your executive team to run for their lives. Hiremymom.com has helped employers and job seekers alike find the right toxic free match. Visit their site to view online training courses, job listings, and learn more about their concierge services. Use toxic tea room at, uh Checkout for 15% off job listings and their popular hiring for remote work courses. The next person may need those services to find a job. Oh, man. Let's go. Let me get into it. Okay, here goes. I was doing training for one of the big national firms that has hundreds of events around the country. Each speaker trainer was paid based on how well they performed in two ways how well the attendees rated him or her, and how much product was sold in the back of the room after the session. In fact, selling in the back made up large portions of our income. I was great at this. I was a hustler and sold loads of product. Um, can I just say, don't you. Know I sell you the stuff in the back of the room? Yes. In fact, I did so well that I soon left to start my own speaking and training business go off. But not before I had the pleasure of one royal disaster. My boss called me into his office one day because a client in Mexico City wanted one of our classes taught. He wanted to know if I went, whether I would need an interpreter. I spoke Passable Spanish, so I said no, I could handle the training. I wasn't sharing my money with anyone. Greedy mother and passable Spanish. Well, maybe. Okay, what else happened? Is that it? Okay. No. So here it goes. Do you know the difference between using passable Spanish and being able to communicate to carry a native Mexican audience for an eight hour seminar? Oh, God. Here it goes. At the first break, half of the attendees never return. They're like, who is this gringo? At the second break, half of those left never returned. Oh my God. I was down to 25% of my original audience to whom I hoped to sell product. But worst of all was the most unforgettable end of the day. Before selling product, I opened the floor for questions. Only. One gentleman raised his hand and in most beautiful Spanish asked, how do we get our money back? It probably sounded like this como podemos received nostro dinero anyways? Rapido portofavor. I sold nothing. People actually left handouts flyers, even their workbooks on the tables. I was a complete bust. I vowed never to put myself in an embarrassing business situation again. Uh, so let's go back to when he said it does so well that I was great at it. I'm a hustler. I started my own speaking and training business, but not before he had. So when you say started because you were straight fired, sir, is what I hear. You were straight fired because you said no, no Necessito interperlo. I speak good Spanish. It goes to Mexico, tries to have a conversation for 8 hours with native Spanish speakers and they're looking at him like Estejo Porfavor. Yeah. Oh my goodness, yes. That, uh, is cray. Cray. He's in the bano. His old seminar is in the bonbagno. What? So do you speak Spanish? Yokero taco bell. That is not going to get you far. Exactly. But T bone, you probably did better than he did that entire time. Yeah, um, uh, okay, so lesson learned. Don't be a poser. You can't pose, uh, a different mean. Come on, come on, dude, I speak Passable Spanish. I imagine him in Passable Spanish is probably one semester of Spanish in high school and bar Spanish like Margarita, por favour, dos. Okay, the guy so passed away, doesn't even know that Dos Eckies is actually two X's anyway. Two Eckies. Two Eckies. All right, um, I have a next story that appears to be a startup full of posers. And having worked at a startup, trust me, it is like a poser farm, but here we go. Here we go. All right, this one's a little lengthy, so you guys are going to have to, um, audience, if you're doing anything you're like. Oh, one more quick story. This is not it. Just hit pause. Come back to us when you have time. But it's a good one. Here we go. I moved to Silicon Valley as a youthful, totally oblivious woman. I'd heard startups were all about work hard, party hard. So when I got hired at an all male startup myself, being the marketing chick because of course, I didn't know what I was getting myself into. This sales automation, quote unquote startup claimed to automate the entire sales process. This mythical unicorn failed to ever materialize or solve any sales problems as it was nothing more than a scam flimsily designed as technology. Keeping comments to myself, keeping comments to my damn self. Incredibly enough, they are still operating despite their never ending Better Business Bureau complaints. Uh, yeah. My boss was the co founder. All looks, no brain. And damn, was he obsessed with looks. Part of the reason I was hired, but we'll get to that in a minute. Okay, so she's got to like that, huh? Maybe she needs to go work at a bank. Right? Um, thinking of our last episode, he quickly became possessive of me and was desperately, subtly trying to make a relationship happen for the better part of a year. You skeevy bastard. He'd frequently make me go on trips with him, sit alone with him in his office, and gave me total preferential treatment over other employees. I'm going to pause this right here. Every other employee in the office is like, she's blowing him. I mean, I hate to be crass, but that would be the rumor going around. Because if it was that obvious if it was that obvious, producer T Bone is, like, wide eyed, like, did you just say that? I'm just saying what people would have thought and said to themselves, because I'm telling you. I'm telling you. Holy moly. Am I wrong, though, Stella? I get it. No, you're not wrong. That crass. But that's exactly what everybody would say. Particularly an all male company. That's exactly what would have been said. Sorry, but sorry, we've worked in those. Sorry, not sorry, not sorry. Truth teller here. Um, eventually we hired a couple of women and moved to a bigger office. And he continued the awkward treatment by giving me my own office, letting me leave early, et cetera. He referred to anyone over 110 pounds as, quote, unquote, fat chicks and constantly reminded me to just not eat. Do you want to be fucking fat and disgusting? No, you don't. End quote, on days when I dressed down, he would remind me that, quote, you need to get it together. Wow. Is this, like, mad 1960s? Oh, no, this just talks like that. And you think that when I made my comment that that doesn't said mhm. This was her literal boss. Okay. Wow. I'm sure everyone thought we were having an affair. Yes, that tracks. Everyone would believe that. And I started to feel like such a bad human being and so awkward going into work that I hatched my escape. I was financially stuck at the job until I found another. The creepiest part of all of this is that the entire management team thought this was acceptable. And as a result, no one dared say anything to me. To top off the sexual harassment, the management team openly encouraged drug use and regularly did coke in the bloody office. Wait, I did not see that coming. I did not. Wow. Holy shit. Work and party hard at work. You're doing coke in the office. And for, um, those of you that, um, may have lived gentler lives, they're not talking about Coca Cola in the red can. They're talking about illicit drugs, nose candy powder. I'm so curious. I want to know keep going. What company this is. I don't know that answer, but yeah. Um over time, as they slipped into the steady decline of, quote, unquote, failing startup, screaming matches ensued in the office, and the drug use amped up. I have to pause, so. I love it. This is so juicy. The tea is burning my fingers as it spills. Okay. Oh, my God. The VP of sales, who was a spectacular prick with a notable coke addiction, enjoyed calling me the quote, unquote marketing chick and said I should, quote, leave the real work to the boys. End quote. My only shield from this megadouche was my boss. The one who is sexually harassing her is her shield. Um god bless it. Oh, my God. Can we pause? I can just imagine this. VP of sales have you seen Night at the Roxbury? Like, they're doing that nose thing, and. You know, the guy talks fast. You know, he's like this, hey, marketing chick, why don't you leave the work for the boys? Why don't you leave the real work for the boys? I can just see it. I can just freaking see it. Oh, my God. Um, anyway, my only shield from this megadouche was my boss. Again, the one who is sexually harassing her. Um, is her only shield who regularly asked me to get him Xanax, Adderall, and a myriad of other drugs. Don't get my dry cleaning, okay? Just go out and get my pills, okay? I need my Adderall because I got to snort it. These other assholes are doing coke, but that's not me, sweetie. That's not me. I'm here to protect you from those coke snorting assholes in the office. But could you fetch my Adderall? Because I snort that instead. Okay, um, the CEO was disbarred. Or let's say massive Failure financial guy who constantly regaled us with tales of his glory days. Oh, the things I saw. He would start whorehouses in Asia are crazy. Just nuts. I mean, so insane. I can't say anything in front of anyone, end quote. But you just did. But you just did. That's their CEO. Wow. There's so many things here I just can't make comments on, because, uh, our CEO even promised the entire company that if we, quote, unquote, worked hard, then, quote, we can expect results and better kickback, relax, and get the coke and yachts ready, because shit's about to get cray. End quote. No, I'm not kidding. They were just full of great ideas. If I heard my CEO. Oh, my God. Work hard and get better results and then get the coke and yachts ready because shit's about to get gray, that's a quote. That's in this. That's not an ad lib from your girl. I'm not doing this. I'm reading verbatim. I don't know what I would do. I would just probably have to say I think that's my cue. Um, I really think that we should make shits about to get cray a thing. Let's add it to the shirts. Let's add it to the shirts, get the coke and yachts ready, and then on the back of it, because shit's about to get crazed. If you guys want us to make those, send us a note on our website or give us some comments, because I can actually see that in my head. I think I may have to get that done. I don't care. Just a one of one. You want one stell, right? We got two. If anybody wants, you got to let us know, and then we'll set up some preorders. Uh, by the way, we will be having our toxic Tea Room mugs available on our website very soon. You can get a piece of it. Very limited edition. Hurry up. May not ever do it again. All right. She still goes, by the way. As if this isn't enough. There's more. According to her, the most impressive part of this startup was their incredible chutzpah, or chutzpah I don't know how to pronounce it. I think it's chutzpah put to positive use. They probably could have done amazing things. The founding team had absolutely no shame, and I'll give it to them. They had been a legit talent for scamming, VCs, venture capitals, credit where credit is due. I'm certain these people will continue to make a fine living once the bubble has popped. Not only can they drink and outdrug anyone under the table, they can bullshit. The best of the best. Wolf of Wall Street. Step aside, you amateur. These people are professionals. If you want to learn the fine craft of trickery, I highly suggest an employment stint here. That's a glass door review if I've ever heard one. Yes, uh. When I announced I was leaving under the diplomatic guise of, quote, going to grad school, end quote, the CEO came into my office and basically verbally attacked me. He said I'd never get another good opportunity like this. Huh? And that I was getting older. I'm in my 20s, so I didn't have much life left in my career. Oh, my God, she's old, in her 20s. Holy shit. Uh, he's like, soon the milk bags are going to start sagging, lady, you got nothing left. That's what he really meant. I'm interpreting things m for the gentle members of our audience that might be like, maybe he didn't mean it. That me. Let me pause real quick to explain this to our listeners. Um, when we talk about the yin and yang that is Stella and I, okay? Stella would hear that maybe he meant to say that this is such an exciting opportunity. There's not a lot there, and she will spend time searching for it. And me, I'm like, no. He's like, once those milk bags start sagging, no one's hiring you, is what he wanted to say. That's what he meant to say. Because I can't interpret that any other way. Um, so I told him I was going to B school, business school, and he retorted that I should just, quote, not do that, end quote. Because, quote, there's a lot of talented guys out there, people with actual pedigrees. And as a woman, you got a lot going against you. You won't ever be competitive for those types of jobs at this point, end quote. At this point in your 20s, you old hag. Uh, that last part was me. That last part was me. The old hag part, that's me. Um, but being the resourceful guy he was, he had a better idea in mind for an idiotic woman folk like myself, quote, why don't you do, like, some sort of, quote, client relations at a banking firm? They really like your sort of look. End quote. I disagree, because we heard in our last episode that sometimes if you have that sort of look, people can't bank at all. That's what we because of your boobies. But I guess this is a thing, dude. I guess to this day, I'll never know if he was referencing secretarial duties, prostitution, or both. Mazzles to you too, bro. And away I sailed. And good for you. Holy good night. Run for the door. I'm sorry, but there were so many things I wish I could have said, and I'm, like, can't say it. Can't say it. Could you imagine? No, because I can too clearly imagine. Because absent the rampant drug use and comments about whorehouses in Asia, there's some similarities here that I can't talk about. Wow. Makes my skin crawl. That sounds like a plot to a movie. I hope they never make a movie. But I hope they never make a movie about the next story I'm about to share okay, you all ready? Yeah. Spill it.

It was 09: 35:29

20 a.m. On a workday in the office. Time for my morning bathroom break. Okay, follow my weight. God bless it. Stella, is this what the shit. Uh come on. We came so close. We were so. We have to what the all right. What the shit? Following my large drip coffee, I made my way to the closed door washroom, the only washroom on the entire floor, and quickly did my business. Can it end there? No. I'm always stressed to go at work, especially at this time of day. Seems a lot of people are on the same schedule. It turns out I had a lot to relieve myself of that day, if you know what I mean. I do, and I don't want to. I had a feeling things were about to go south. So I said a little prayer as I went to flush. If you have to before you flush. Um, you already know. Just Stella, please. Just like I expected. Just like I expected. Nothing. There was no way this ginormous thing was going to fit down the hole. Couple. Someone started knocking on the door. Panicked, I yelled Busy, and tried to flush it down a second. And then a third time. It wouldn't budge. I had to act fast. I knew I needed to cut this thing down. Cut it down so it would fit. But cut it with what? Dear God, please not my hands. No, please. Don'T say this. Please. Oh my God. I looked around the room and the only somewhat solid object I spotted was, uh, a plastic dollar store flower in a base by the sink. More knocking on the door. I said busy. I quickly got to work. Sawing the logs into pieces m with the flower. Then I'm not quite sure how it happened, but all of a sudden I heard a faint suction around the water. A suction sound. And the water from the toilet came gushing out. No, I mean like flying to the ceiling again. To the mirror. Brown. There's still poop on the ceiling. What? Brown, chunky water. Oh God. All over the freaking bathroom. And the whole time this was happening, the knocking was getting louder and louder. Can you imagine? Still busy. The images in my head are way too much right now. Oh, my gosh. I grabbed a wad of toilet paper. A wad. That'll help. Got up on the seat and proceeded to frantically wipe down everything I could. Reach with that one wad of toilet paper. Then I washed the flower stem, because that's important. Put it back in the vase and took a deep breath. I tried to look as casual as possible as I walked out, three people were waiting in line. I told them there was a problem with the toilet, then practically ran back to my desk. I never pooped at work again. I have a few things I need to say. Oh, my God. Uh, first of all, this poor person I have no empathy for this person. Let me explain. I know you do, because you find. You just have to poop. If you have to poop, you got to poop. And I get it huge. I get it. Like, what are you supposed to do? Well, apparently now we have a plan. You take the little plastic dollar store flower in the vase, and that becomes your impromptu survival saw. Hey, employers, please put something in the bathroom. Uh, Stella, uh, let's not encourage this behavior. No, but what if you have to break something down? Like backup cutlery from cafeteria or something? Are you serious right now? Can we just address the fact? Can we hear the story that she just told or what? Uh, are we talking? Well, listen to me. The toilet rejected the poop. The toilet said, not today, and made a sucking sound. Is that what you said? And then somehow ejected m it maybe the toilet said, I summarily reject this demon, and it made its own exorcism. And imagine what she or he smelled like getting out of the bathroom. Because if it's everywhere, if it's on the ceiling and you're standing on the toilet again, I'm a logistician. I flowchart in my head, and I think about facts. Okay? That's how we do things. If it got to the ceiling, you know, it was on the seat. You had to wipe down so that you could stand on the seat to wipe out the ceiling. It's likely everywhere in this. Um and if it's only a single person, there's no stall. So it's likely on walls. It's likely on floors. You didn't get all of that with just a wad of toilet paper. I would be the one taking off, like those big industrial toilet paper rolls that they have in businesses and restaurants. I would take the lid off. I would take the whole damn thing out. I use it all like one of those circular mops. I'm using the whole thing. I'm not unwrapping it. I'm just using the whole thing as is, and I'm just going all over every place and throwing it out and saying, we're all out of toilet paper. Sorry. You guys are screwed. Unbelievable. Because what else could you do? Okay, we're talking about, uh, hands on scenario here. At this point, couldn't we have used, like, a guy who was in another room with an acetylene torch trying to give a presentation, burning the place down? Everybody evacuates. Nobody knows about anything. That's fair. But I don't know, you walk out. Of the bathroom and it's nobody knows. She didn't have presence of mind. And, Candidly, if it was that bad, you probably would have blown the whole building up, because if that flame was anywhere nearby, this mess, um it's so freaking gross. Uh, now, if that person was a former coworker of Stella's, they would have just left and said, well, my work's done today because it's all over the walls already. I don't need to smear it. I don't need to smear my shit on the wall. It's already done. Yeah, but this story was a bit different because they weren't intentionally wiping poop on the wall. People. I get it. If you have to poop, you have to poop. But you know what solves that? Coffee. And so seeing as you had that big coffee, according to because she drank. Right? She drank coffee. Yeah, she drank. She or he again, I have no clue. Yeah. Um, because if it's a girl, that's even funnier. But, um, he or she drank coffee. That's very common. Have your first cup of coffee at home. Have it at home. Let it get things moving. Let it get things moving. Take care of that business at home. And then by the time you get to work, should you need to do a second. Okay. But it's not going to be this mammoth thing because I don't know how else to describe it because I've never had to saw anything into pieces. Um, I mean, you know what I found seriously irritating? That the coworkers were banging on the door. They have to poke, too. I know, but dude, is that going. To make you go faster exactly. Or make it crawl back? They had to say busy, busy. But I get that there was only one bathroom there. I get it. I'd love to say that this entire conversation is beneath us, but it's the third time we've had a group discussion in as many episodes, so I don't think that's a true what the shit? It's what the shit? Apparently, this is our wheelhouse and I'm not happy about it, but it is what it is. I'm hoping we can have a shit free episode next week. I think they're quite entertaining. Probably not. Oh, my God. Thanks for joining us today, T Bone. We hope you found this. Uh oh, boy. It's it was something. Yeah, something, um something else. Yeah. I don't know where else you're going to go, Candidly. Where in under an hour you can hear tales of chicken zombies and burning your office down for a demonstration and snorting coke snorting. I don't know. And then this masterpiece of number two. I don't know where else you're going to get that in under an hour other than the toxic Tea room. We named ourselves appropriately. Um, yes. Thanks for coming on board. Emphasis on the toxic this week. Anyway. This week, emphasis on biohazard. Okay. Jesus Christ. It has everything this week. We had blood from the chicken. We've got bad air from the guy doing a demo, I guess because if everybody evacuated, I'm going to assume it sucked really bad. Um, and we, of course, have this and whatever. Cocaine. Uh, it's a biohazard episode because that one with that crazy workplace. I would wipe down my desk every day with an antibacterial and germicide solution, because I don't know what goes on there when I'm not there. And if there's any ass on my desk in any way, I need to know that that's gone. Can we just be practical? Can we just freaking be practical? If people are literally talking openly about, um, get to work, get ready, then it's coconut yachts for everybody. You don't think that after hours there's some stuff happening at that office, and the author of that story had a private office? Please. I'd wipe my desk down every day before I even put my coffee mug on it. Are you playing? Absolutely not. That's freaking gross. What a disgusting episode. Sales that's disgusting. Freaking nasty. Freaking disgusting. Killers. Wild coke addicts. They're fucking disgusting. All of it. Can't even poop right. Like, uh, what the hell is going on? Get your wild in shape. While these have been very scary sales stories, I bet there are plenty more out there. Christ. Still have time to get those stories, uh, stories into us this month. Also send us stories of gratitude for next month. I'm thankful for our listeners. I'll be thankful when we don't have any more direct shit stories coming into our episodes. Check out our blog@toxictroom.com slash blog for episodes. Commentary. I'd love to see commentary after some of these episodes and fun affiliate links. Don't forget to check out the custom curated spotify playlist to compliment each episode. I can't wait to see what gets curated for this episode. I'll be honest, I have no idea what that's going to look like. Last episode was hilarious. I'm not sure we should make a song. Poop on the ceiling, poop on the walls and check out our socials x, Insta, Facebook, LinkedIn, all of it for Easter eggs. Poop on the ceiling, poop on the walls? Call out John Madden if you have the balls. Oh, my God. Poop coming out of the toilet. Anyway, I'm sorry. Okay, go ahead. I don't know what to do. Um if you like what you hear oh, my God. If you like what you hear coming out on, uh, itunes soon. Itunes isn't even a thing anymore. It's Apple Music, right? Yeah, there's so many different I can't I don't know. I don't want that to ever be a song. Okay, thanks. Um, if you like what you hear and how could you not? Um, you can support us via the links in the show notes patreon, or by visiting one of our curated affiliate links on our blog as well. We really do appreciate you. The guy standing on the corner with. His hand subscribe so you don't miss out. Because why would you want to miss out on this? I'm saying, uh, and don't smoke out the office and don't shit at work, please. Bye, guys. Talk to you soon. Don't kill chickens with two bites. It doesn't work. Bye. Mhm.