What Other People Think

In today's episode, we dive into worrying or overthinking about what other people think of 'us'.  Caring about what others think of us is something that can consume a lot of mental energy, even though we don't control what other people think!

I share 3 questions you can ask yourself if you find yourself over-thinking or caring about other people's opinion of you OR what you THINK their opinion of you might be.

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Transcript

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This is episode five of the Confident Coach Academy podcast and today, I share like this rambling idea and collection of thoughts that I have on how we over care about what other people think and spill the tea on how it's something that I've struggled with a little bit just recently, behind the scenes in my business. So perfect timing for us to get into this conversation. Let's dive in.

 Hey, my love, how are you? I hope you're doing so well. I almost feel like I want to pull you into my house and into like our main room with a hot drink, and really spill the tea and talk about all the things to do with today's topic. It's such an important topic.

Even if you don't currently run your own coaching business, I know that this this topic is such a big deal. And I'll be honest, I've done so many takes, it's really ticked me off how many takes I've done for various reasons.

But in any case, I've committed that you know what, I'm not gonna do any more takes, I've just pushed the record button and whatever comes out comes out. And that's just going to be it. Okay.

And it's interesting that that's happened because of today's topic. Today's topic is what other people think. And I chose to do this topic for two main reasons. Number one reason is that I see the over-caring of what other people think about us been a real problem, not just in our businesses, but in our lives in general. And number two, I've had some experiences with launching this new podcast and launching a new website, which really, I feel like the lessons are so fresh, that it's helpful for me to perhaps talk about some of the things that have come up, that have to do with this topic, as I've gone through the process of launching those two new things.

So let me just start off by sharing this, like, I think that we really care too much about what other people think about us.

You know, there's that saying out there that what other people think of me is none of my business. And I truly love that saying, I think it's such a good way to live your life. If nothing else, because you can't control what other people think of you, you, you are not their brain, you are not their thoughts, and it doesn't matter what you do, they are in control of what they think not you.

It's I kind of feel like it's a bit futile to, to often, like, give too much consideration to what someone else thinks of us. And I will say even though I believe that fully, I also know how challenging it can be to operate in this world, where like, consider your business and marketing. It is really about communicating your ideas, your thoughts in a way where other people really get you. And in the process of you putting that your own body of work out there, and your marketing and all of those things. I feel like you discover more of who you are as you go along. And you actually do your marketing. And it's not like you're this, you know, this book, which has this beginning, middle, and end, which people can just open up and wallah, you know, you're changing, you're evolving.

3: 57 And so there's lots of inherent challenges just through being a human being that come about when it comes to standing out online. Being brave sharing your messaging, and getting in front of the right audience.

I mean, you know, when I was young, the internet wasn't around. I could look however I wanted to look. I mean, I did newspaper advertising, the first workshop I ever held. You know, I didn't have to like I didn't do Facebook Lives, where people could see me personally or any of those things like marketing - the landscape for marketing is just so different now. And there's so much space for being vulnerable and open and helping people and also criticism and judgment and people saying really mean horrible things.

And they probably will at some time if they haven't for you yet. And even if it's not publicly online, maybe it's behind closed doors.

Maybe you've got clients who like don't like it for whatever reason and they go talking about it to other people. Like there's all sorts of crap that can go down when you run a business, not just a coaching business, just business in general. And there's all sorts of crap that can go down when you decide you're going to use the internet to market like, that's just the reality of things as they are.

So how do we get comfortable with sharing our stuff? And being okay with maybe people saying or thinking crap about us? Like whether it's true or not true is a whole nother thing? A whole nother gamut? Right? But how can we really show up with some vitality, some energy, some oomph, some excitement, some more love? Even though we know, people will think at some time or another, some negative stuff about us?

Well, there's only one answer my love. And it comes back to what I originally said, like, what other people think of you, is none of your business, stop being so nosey! Or curious, or however you want to frame it, right. But I want to share actually, I do believe there is a way that you can look at how you're showing up and get a very clear picture of whether you're over caring about other people's opinions of you. And that's through looking and asking yourself, these three questions.

Question number one is, am I trying to make people like me, or trying to get someone's approval? So that's number one. Often, when it comes to like, you know, what we say or what we don't say, or changing it, or kind of watering down who we are, or kind of shifting our opinions of things to like fit in with other people or not saying something to fit in ...

Then it's about this concern that we have on whether or not we're getting someone's approval, or basically do they like us, right? We really want to feel like we belong and that people like us, it's very, very natural, and we need to belong, and we need to feel loved, right? In order for us to thrive. So it makes sense.  But ask yourself that question, am I doing x y Zed or not doing x y Zed? Because I want someone's approval? Okay.

The next question you can ask yourself, Is this am I doing or not doing this because I am trying to avert any criticism? So are you trying to like avoid maybe being rejected? You're trying to avoid maybe someone saying something that you don't like? A you trying to? Like, not have someone say something and make it mean something mean against you? Often, honestly, it's not even what people are saying. That's critical. It's what we are making their words mean, that's critical. It's actually not what they're saying, but what we're making it mean to us. But do you feel like you need to avoid criticism in some way? That's another question you can ask yourself.

Then the third question is, do you feel like you need to defend yourself from criticism?
 
I'll give you an example. And it's not business related. It's my personal life. And it's something just recently and I think it'd be helpful just to share a little bit of this. So some of you know, I've mentioned multiple times that we had a little Korean family living with us for several months. It was life changing and I've really come to love the Korean culture. And I'm learning the language. And I love K dramas if you don't know what K dramas are, oh, my goodness, you are missing out. But I digress.

So I'm in a K drama group with a bunch of friends. There's eight of us. And we often get together not often like I'd say like maybe every three or four months we try to get together outside of when we regularly see each other because we all most of us kind of go to a nearby church. But we try to like get together for like special like meal and like catch up and all of that kind of stuff. And often we go to concerts together we have we have fun anyway.

We're trying to organize our next meet up and is it so happened one of my friends in the group or one of our friends like she put out a place that I did not want to go to. Infact it's not that I did not want to go to - I like won't go to it!

 So what had happened is previously unrelated to my Kdrama group friends One of my daughters and I had gone out for a meal on a mother-daughter date. And we thought we'd try this restaurant. We went there, we sat down, we looked at the menu.

And I had like this physical reaction, like a very visceral reaction, like, I just despised being in there. I did not like it at all. And who knows? I mean, well, I could give you a bunch of reasons. But the reasons aren't really that relevant to this conversation. So anyway, I left and I had made the decision, I won't go back there, which is not an issue because we have so many great restaurants in Sydney. And even out even though I live closer to the country, there's tons of great restaurants out here.

And so when it come up for a discussion, where next meet up, and one of the friends suggested this place, I was like, oh, no, that's the one restaurant go to. But I didn't think it'd be an issue because we've got so many other great restaurants. But it was an issue. And we're going backwards and forwards about this. And I will tell you, some of the other ladies were getting uncomfortable. And I was getting frustrated. And I'm sure my friend was getting frustrated. We were both still being respectful. But I will tell you, I could have at any time thought you know what? I can sense. There's some discomfort from the other ladies around this. So why don't I just say, "You know what, yeah, let's go to this, let's go to this restaurant. And I'll give it a try. I just want to hang out with you guys", which I do just want to hang out with him, right.

But also, I would have felt like it's a betrayal of myself to say I'm gonna go to a restaurant, the only restaurant I've decided that I won't go to - you know, like, and I can hang out with them another time. And so, while we were going backwards and forwards with this, I was observing myself is I was answering. And at one stage, I was like, frustrated. And I was like, hmm ... you know, hmmm... like, sometimes you just, you just want to like, let loose a little bit. But I didn't, because again, it's important to be respectful, even though even though what that particular friend thinks of me is none of my business.

And I keep that top of mind, as we're going through the conversation about this topic, which is not that serious, it's where we're going out for dinner. But still, you know, it was something where I had a strong opinion on and she had a strong opinion on because she happen to love that restaurant with, she'd been there with other friends and other family and really, really liked it. And I really, really didn't. And so our poor friends, everyone else who were in the group, or like, you know, kind of trying to divert the conversation in different ways, and it just wasn't working.

And I could have tried to make the others feel more comfortable. But the thing is, I can't make people feel more comfortable. If you really look at it. Right? And the reason I say that is because I'm not the one who controls their thoughts. You know, they could have thought, so many different things.

And probably I'm sure if we were to go and look at each of their brains and or heads and like ask them the specific questions around what they thought. Some of them would have thought some same thing, some would have thought some different things, but I'm not in control of what they're thinking. So I didn't want to behave as if I was in control of what they're thinking. And what I did was I ran myself through those questions. Not like I wasn't in the conversation, having a checklist of this. But as I look back, I can see, like, oh, yeah, I could see like, I wasn't trying to be defensive of criticism, or avoid criticism. Nor was I trying to be liked in the moment, I was trying to genuinely share that, that was a restaurant that I wouldn't go to, I feel like there are other restaurants that we could go to. And if we do insist on going to that one, that's totally cool. I just won't go to this meetup.

So I was clear, and respectful. But I also wasn't allowing myself to get in the space of caring too much about what other people thought because then I could have been disingenuous, and that's what really leads to things like resentment. And, like, continued frustration, whereas the reality is I've said my piece, and that's it. And my friends said her piece and that's it.

And a decision was made by the way. Another friend - an  awesome friend in the group stepped in, she decided like where we're gonna go and she booked it.

So, but like, that's just a little thing that happened. But I just think like so often, we just pull back and we water ourselves down, particularly when it comes to our online businesses. Because we don't want to rock the boat. We don't want people to get the wrong idea of who we think we are.

And the reality is, you're just picking at what you think people are thinking. You're not necessarily doing something based on what they genuinely are thinking. It's what you think they are thinking, in fact, my love.

And so again, some some things to think about as you go out into the world. And as you invite people into conversations with you, and maybe as people share opinions on you, whether they're solicited or unsolicited, you can ask yourself the questions, am I seeking approval, am I trying to avert criticism, right defending against criticism, because usually, it's when we're in those, one of those three spaces that we can see, we really are over caring about whether what other people think of us.

And the reality is, again, all you're controlling is what you think about what you think they're thinking. They change their thoughts, not you, they control their thinking, not you. And the more you try and get into someone else's head, the more you truly take yourself out of your own heart. There's something called Brain heart coherence. And I won't go into all of that. But I promise you, when you focus more on what you think of yourself, and think of yourself in a way that's loving and compassionate, and understanding as we ought to be with other people, we ought to be that same way with ourselves.

And as you approach yourself and your thoughts about yourself from that way, you have a greater heart brain coherence, you're able to show up in ways that you just can't, if you don't do that. then what again, the more we try and get into other people's head, where we actually have no power anyway, the more we take ourselves out of our own, out of our heart, and our ability to have that brain heart coherence.

16:52 Alright, so I wanted to share with you a little bit about what's been happening with the podcast, as I was preparing to launch it, I said that, you know, I've launched the podcast, I've launched a new website, both of those have taken mammoth effort for me.
And the new website, I love it, it's still a work, there's still things that need to be tweaked with it. But both of them took substantial amounts of work. And were very, very important for me strategically for the next steps and the things that I'm doing with my business.

And like both both really, really important steps. Normally, I would say to my clients who are going to their first, you know, six figures, like your website is actually not that important at all, you can easily get to $100k, even like more like multi six figures, without a website. Okay, just let me put that out there, in any case, so both of these have been important to me.

And I have learned different things and observe different things, as I've been in the process of creating them. So with my, my website, I can tell you, it's totally for me being okay, like I want to represent myself, and I know, the core attributes of me I want to represent.

So I'm like loving, I'm also fun, and vivacious, you know, and so I wanted to have those bits really, really come out. And also a like, if you look at it from an interest point of view, like I'm very earthy, right? So I wanted it to be represented in my brand.

And I also wanted to be very, very clear who I was helping and have really amazing resources, accessible for my communities who come and find me, on my website, I wanted to have like, it'd be like a great hub for the people who come to my website. Very, very clear on what I wanted to do there. But still, again, there's resources that I needed to update before I could connect them to my new website. So like old resources, like workbooks had to be redone, record, like new recordings for things had to be done for the quiz that I was doing lots of bits and pieces to put together.

And it was frustrating, and took longer than I wanted it to take at times, right because not all the parts of running your business easy, but like I didn't find myself judging myself, I didn't find myself second guessing myself, or feel like I was holding back on my website. It was just like stuff had to be done. And I knew it was for the highest good of the people who find my website and my future clients. So it's all good, right?

On the other hand with my podcast again, amazing, like it's going to be helpful. You know, it's completely aligned with my strategies moving forward the way I want to run my life and my business. Cool, cool, cool. But what I did was I found myself at time seems particularly as I go to record episodes, even still, it's something that I know I'm working through, like, actually letting other people in my head - not necessarily like a thought level where I'm like thinking about a particular person and what they might think. But it's been like this subtle, low-level feeling of holding back.

So what I did was I knew there was a problem. And actually, I was doing some self coaching one day. And I had like, put this line down the middle of a sheet of paper. And on the left side, I was like, all the good things about, you know, podcasting, and on the right side, or the, or the kind of negative things. And also, it wasn't specifically about podcasting. But anyway, I hit on the left side of the paper, I was like, I want to have a positive influence on people, right? I want to be helpful to more people and have a positive influence in the world. Awesome, right.

And on the right side of the paper I had, I don't want to be an influencer. And I'm like, Oh, my goodness, I was like, Houston, we have a problem! These two don't go together. Only one of these is going to win. And another example was like, oh, you know, for the next level of my business, I want to reach and help more people, like is a coach, I want to reach and help many more people. I'm ready for it. I'm excited about it. And then on the right side of the paper, it's like, but I don't!  I really like my privacy, and I'm like, what! These things are problems, right.

And so there's these two opposing feelings that I have existing inside of me in thoughts that I have existing inside of me whether they're conscious on any given day, usually they're not like, is one thing, right? So I had to do a little bit of digging. And at first, when I started to dig, I was like, Ah, okay, I see. I'm like, on one level, I was like, You know what, I'm, I'm an ambivert. And the rest of my family are introverts. And so they like more privacy. So that makes sense. Like, I don't want to send out more because I don't like, you know, my family likes a more private kind of life. And that's that made sense to me.

And then I was like, and when I dug next next level deeper, I was like, oh, yeah, and I've got some big stories, I know, it'd be really helpful for me to share about on my podcast, but I don't know if I should go there. Right, because I don't know how my family is going to feel about that.

And I'll without naming my family members, I will just tell you kind of to give you a clear idea. So for instance, in my close extended family, I have two family members that have had multiple failed suicide attempts. And for others that I know of that have had strong suicidal ideation. So I can really, really speak to the challenges and traumas that come along with being like someone who's challenged with mental health issues, or mental fitness problems, either for themselves or for people in their family.

And as a life coach, my perspective on this could be really, really impactful. So I was like, cool, that would be awesome. But but, you know, that's not necessarily something which I could talk about. But logically, I was like, Okay, I could just ask for each family member's permission to talk about a part of their stories. If at any particular time, I know, I would like to really dive into it. So I'm like, okay, logically Awesome. That makes sense. But then I went even deeper.

And that's where I was like, Ah, crap. Because what happened is I went deeper, I could see they're actually a circle of people, that I was low level, having ruminating thoughts on, wondering what they would think about me.

And it's not it wasn't necessarily in relation to my podcasting. But my podcast was a symbol of me being out there more, right. So I did a little process that I called a thought rumble, and looked at exactly who I was allowing into my head in relation to me standing out more, specifically in my podcast and why. And it was fascinating what thoughts came up. And remember, these are just thoughts that I'm creating, they aren't facts.

And honestly, of the 10 people who went on that list, it's likely that most of them truly won't ever listen to my podcasts, they maybe won't even know that I'll have one. They've got their own lives, their own priorities. But still here, I was having these low frequency thoughts around the idea of my podcasting launch, because deep down, I was pushing down some of these these thoughts or ideas. 

So number one was like, I want their respect. I don't want to be misunderstood. Or that person might gossip about me, or that person might mock me, or they don't know my story. So they actually might think I'm lying. Like Holy smokes, talk about using my thoughts against myself. Again, none of these 10 people will probably care an iota about the fact that I've launched a podcast. And they may not ever listen. But here I was, like holding back in essence, struggling more than I needed to be struggling with some of the things...

Because on a subconscious level, and partially conscious level, I was allowing what other people think about me in some sense to have an impact on the way that I was showing up. And it was just making things harder for me than it needed to be.

And I'm pretty sure I'm not going to hear a word from any of them. And like, it just doesn't even matter what they think, like, it really matters, what you think my actual listeners are really matters, what like my communities think and what my potential clients think and my actual clients. I really want to be of service to you, and the world. 

And often this happens, not just for me, but for all of us who need to stand out online, we've got a come to peace, with just this concept of caring, and particularly over caring about what other people think of you. 

26:05 Okay, so I understand, we're works in progress around this, but you want to catch yourself, and what's really helpful again, I want to come back to those three questions, you can ask yourself, you know, am I trying to get people to like me or get approval? Am I trying to avoid criticism? Or am I trying to defend myself against criticism, those three questions can be really helpful for you. 

And also obviously diving in, and, you know, doing some self-coaching around this, because, you know ... it's just, it's such a sense of freedom, when you realize that you get to run your business and your brain and your thoughts. And you don't have to give energy and time to what other people think about you. So that was an experience that I had recently and I thought sharing that would be helpful for you. 

And I wanted to wrap up by sharing, like several other ideas with you as well, that I think will be helpful for you to consider when it comes to like you not caring about what other people think of you. So I'm just going to kind of quickly go through these ideas. And then I'll expand on some of them a little bit more. But I just want these to try and like want you to try and let this sink in. 

Okay, so number one, you are loved all of the time, I truly believe that I had an experience when I was 19. And I felt this insert incredible love from God. And I felt that and I and this knowing that he has the same amount of love for everyone else. I just truly believed you're loved all the time, in your in your best and worst times. Okay. 

The next thought I want to share is you can care about someone as a person without caring about what they think about a particular topic. Okay. So what I mean here is you get to choose if what they think about a particular topic will bring value to your life or not. So for instance, I wouldn't necessarily get my husband's opinion on, like, my webinars like that I'm creating versus, say, a business coach that I'm working with. I may ask about a particular topic, but it won't have the same weight necessarily as, say, a business coach who's done webinars and gotten clients through it, etc, etc. 

Okay, so you can care about a person and just because you care about them, and doesn't mean they get to weigh in on all the things. 

Another idea is, we don't have the inherent right to look up or down on anyone else for any reason whatsoever. I feel like I shouldn't need to explain this. But I will add this.  For me, personally, I will be inspired by the greatness of others, but I won't place them above me. And it doesn't matter how awesome I think they are, how amazing they are, how beautiful how intelligent how anything, I don't place them above me. 

And so I don't feel like I'm less than anyone elses presence...

Doesn't mean I like Okay, so there's a particular separate celebrity that I really like, I may crumble if I was to stand in their presence for a hot second. But apart from that, like it's not and even then I shouldn't say apart from that. And even then, I don't think that person is better than me. Okay, and I don't think that I'm better than anyone else. Okay, so I will be inspired by the greatness of others, but I won't place them above me. And I can acknowledge that others and by others that includes myself - do wrong, make mistakes, commit evil, think evil and still hold them is been my equal who again is loved all of the time. Okay. 

Another thought and this one's so powerful. If you can't process criticism or feedback to help you grow, let it go. 

So you might not be in the right energy or headspace to to receive feedback or criticism for for the moment, let it go. The person who's giving the feedback might not getting the right energy or headspace. So just let it go. 

And also, it actually might be irrelevant to your goals and priorities, in which case, it's not gonna help you grow, let it go. Again. Really powerful. Take the time to think about that. Okay, anyway. 

And then another thought as people have preferences, and that is a, okay. Okay. They may not like a ton of things about you with their preferences. That's all good. And guess what you've got preferences to, I've got preferences, we've all got preferences. And I actually think it's really important that we have preferences, I think is actually important we begin to know ourselves and what we really like, and even why we like some things, and why we don't, okay, then be okay with other people having different preferences. Okay. 

And the next one is something that I touched on earlier. And again, as it gets, it's like, one of the ruling thoughts to think about or ideas is, we can't control other people's thoughts or perceptions. Okay. So don't misuse your energy and your time by trying to control other people's thoughts or perceptions. Okay.

And the last one is that everyone is interesting. There's no one that's boring or normal. Okay, we are just different in some aspects. But everyone is so fascinating. Even people who might be boring to someone else is so interesting to someone else. And people who you might think I wish I was like them. They're so weird in some way and you're so weird and some ways, and it's all good. Everyone is interesting. 

So, I just shared a couple of experiences and thoughts with you around this topic. I honestly could go on, like, for such a long time about this, though, if you and I were like sitting down in my lounge room with like a nice hot drink or whatever. I could just talk about this all day, I really, really want more people and more women in particular, I feel most called to really, really help other women. 

And not just to help them to grow their businesses and get out there and help them to help more people, but also for them to truly love themselves and honor themselves. And, you know, you know, and maybe since you honestly, aren't someone else's brain, you don't live in their head and you can't control their thoughts...

 If you are going to think about what people are thinking about you. Maybe let it be something that's good. I mean, why not? It's your imagination. It's not fact. You're thinking about what other people think you think -  so use it for you to support you, not against you. It's just an option there. I want to just throw that out there. Anyway my love, I hope that something that I've shared in today's conversation has been helpful for you. 

If you've got any questions, feel free to come on over. You can find me on the Instagrams at Kush Chadwick. So K U S, H. Chadwick, CH A D W I CK, come on over there. You can find me connect, follow and share. If you've got questions, feel free, you can ask away I'd love to support and help you to grow your business and just to live a more awesome life. So that's it. Lots of love and sunshine. You have an awesome day and I will catch you soon. Bye.