Season 1: Episode 3: Breaking the Cycle: Identifying and Overcoming Toxic Parenting Styles for Healthier Relationships

Do you sometimes wonder if your parenting style might be toxic? Join us as we unravel the different types of toxic parenting, including the 'accessorizing parent', 'helicopter parent', and 'best buddy parent'. The truth is, many of us weren't handed an instruction manual for parenting, which can lead to unintentionally repeating the patterns from our own upbringing. Together, we'll discuss the significance of recognizing and addressing toxic parenting, while understanding that different approaches work better for different children.

In this insightful conversation, we also delve into the consequences of toxic parenting, such as belittling name-calling, prayer pressure, and unrealistic expectations. We'll provide you with effective parenting strategies like active listening, creating a positive environment, and taking time out when frustrated. By the end of this episode, you'll be equipped with the tools to improve your parenting style and cultivate a healthier relationship with your child. So tune in now and start your journey towards better parenting!

Powerful The Podcast Intro

Powerful the podcast  Outro Music

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:26

Welcome to Powerful The Podcast. I am one of your hosts, Shalonda Carlile, and we have Kawasaki Williams.

Speaker 2: 0:34

Dr Bianca Woolley.

Speaker 1: 0:36

Okay, we're going to get started today. Today, our topic is toxic parenting, and I wanted to kind of give the definition of what toxic parenting is. Toxic parenting creates a negative or toxic home environment. They use fear, guilt and humiliation as tools to get what they want and ensure compliance from their child. What are your thoughts about toxic parenting?

Speaker 3: 1:05

For one, i think the biggest thing is kids tend to emulate some of the things that goes on, things that they kind of experience with their parents Like a sheep, like a deer Right, they're only doing what they know. What they were taught, what was actually done to them? What are your?

Speaker 1: 1:25

thoughts. I agree with that. I was reading an article and it talked about different types of toxic parenting And I just wanted to share some of the ones that I kind of related to. One was the accessorizing parent. They live through their children, through their achievements. They make their child an extension of their own identity, along with their desires, needs and dreams, And their child is considered the trophy kid to show off to the world.

Speaker 1: 2:00

Another one that I related to was the helicopter parent. It refers to the parent who constantly hovers over their child's life, being hyper-involved and having great difficulty letting go, And one of the examples they gave is your child starts their first job or goes to their first interview and the parent is actually at the interview with the child. Another one that I know we all can relate to and we see this going on in the community is the best buddy parent. They want to be more of their friend instead of being the parent, And that causes a lot of confusion. Some of the examples that I have seen is parents smoking marijuana with their children, doing things that not necessarily creates a positive environment for that child. What are your all thoughts about that?

Speaker 2: 3:03

I feel like parents don't get an instruction book with kids and a lot of times parents parent based on how they were raised, whether right or whether wrong. And believe it or not, you are a product of your environment because you pick up even those habits that you don't want to pick up. And sometimes you tend to start raising your child that same way, not knowing you're the issue or you're the problem, and become defensive when someone brings up hey, maybe you need to do parenting classes to see how to deal or interact with your child, and we don't advocate for that a lot. I feel like it's a responsibility of a parent to recognize when they are the toxicity in the child's life, because that's going to hinder that child's growth and social skills and how they interact in society. When it's not recognized or addressed You know corporate punishment, whooping the child Well, mama did it, i turned out fine.

Speaker 2: 4:30

Daddy did it, i turned out fine. Got a stention cord phone or but that's not right. Or cursing the child out and threatening them and telling them you didn't do this, so my day is bad. Putting all that pressure on the child. Child has to deal with peer pressure already. That's toxic. Parenting too. Well, that sounds so abuse Uh-huh. But sometimes toxic parenting can be abuse.

Speaker 3: 4:59

Yes, i agree, but I think the let's say what you said about okay, the parent makes the child feel a certain kind of way when they actually you know they do something bad. I don't think that's out of, i don't think it's intentional.

Speaker 2: 5:16

No, it's never intentional. That's why I say they don't recognize it.

Speaker 3: 5:18

It's never intentional.

Speaker 2: 5:20

And that's why you know, when you approach the situation, you have to give it some grace so they don't feel like, well, you say I'm treating my child wrong. No, no, that's not what I'm saying. I want you to, i want you to feel bad about this. Remember I said you don't get no instruction, but you want to best you can. So that's why I said you got to get that grace and approach it. I agree Because with my daughter.

Speaker 3: 5:44

She started saying I sort of let her kind of be free, so kind of just express herself, because I think that's the biggest thing. There's no, there's a lack of communication between the parent and the child. It's like if you saying something bad, to me it's disrespectful, you shouldn't do that. But I also believe in doing things the way my mom also raised me. The child has to fear something or somebody, not to say you're doing it to really cow with them down. But it's also preparing them to be a certain you know, to care of themselves, Because this I wouldn't say the world is so bad. I think it's the people And based on their upbringing, based on how they were raised and what they're putting into the environment, i don't actually So what do you do to help them notice their toxic parent and style?

Speaker 1: 6:36

And I'm just going to start with myself. I always tell my clients, especially my adolescents and their parents you know that is not a parenting manual, which we talked about but I always tell them sometimes the things that you do may not be conducive for each child. So I'm going to give my example. My mom never physically disciplined me. She would elevate her tone and maybe holler, and I knew to check myself before I wrecked myself Right. So I used that method with my son and it wasn't conducive to him. So one day I sat down with him because sometimes we have to be aware as parents that the things that we do may not be beneficial for that child. So I asked him what is something that I can do to improve our relationship, because he never talked to me about things. He always went to my sister and he said mama, if you just stop hollering every time you talk, you know I'll talk to you. And you know what I did. I worked on that. I didn't get defensive. I validated his feelings and I tried to make a conscious effort not to do that Now. Did I succeed every time? No, but I made a conscious effort to change that.

Speaker 1: 7:59

So when we have a toxic parenting style, the first thing is to validate our children's feelings. Kids tell you what they don't like. You can't take offense to it. I had a child told me that she didn't like when some of her family members would call her out of her name or say something you know not conducive to her, and when I talked to the mom about it, the mom was like well, she's always been like this. Well, she's always been like this. It's not working for your child. Your child is having some depression and suicide ideations. So we need to look at this as what can we do differently? So identifying if your parenting style is toxic is the first step. Talking to your children, asking them what can I do to make the relationship better, is so important, but also hearing them, doing active listening to change their behavior. We can listen, but we also have to provide active listening, and active listening is I hear you and let me make a conscious effort to change that behavior, and not just listening to react.

Speaker 1: 9:09

Exactly.

Speaker 3: 9:10

Like seriously, like we just past experience and just even some of my clients it's not, they don't listen to, like, really comprehend what the key is the same. It's like no, i'm just tired of the dish to speak, i'm tired of this, as if you still missing a point, you still missing what their child is actually verbalizing to you. I need you to bring it down or not just so that I can be comfortable with saying what I need to say, before I go off the deep end and do something that I actually don't want to do.

Speaker 2: 9:38

So we have a background and we know, but those individuals or those parents that do not have access to us, access to our background, how does that parent recognize that they have a toxic parent? and style, you made a good point.

Speaker 1: 9:58

Can we give them some examples of what you consider toxic parenting style?

Speaker 2: 10:03

Yeah, cause you know, I see it and I can recognize it. Now, You know it, you work with it every day. You work with it every day. But the person that's taking care of just their child, they see it their family And they have more than one child.

Speaker 2: 10:20

Yeah, and they go to school, they hear what the teacher's saying, but they feel they still feel like how they parenting and what they're doing, whether they get the results or not, they still feel like I'm doing the right thing. So how do they recognize? hey, maybe I need to do something different.

Speaker 1: 10:41

So some good examples of toxic parenting style would be not bullying your child, not making them feel like they have to be doing this different type of AP, or they have to get into certain sports activities, making sure that it's their choice, not your choice, and not you living through your child for dreams that you weren't unable to fulfill Exactly cause.

Speaker 3: 11:10

I believe in allowing kids to make their own choices, like I mean. Nowadays, like you say, you have parents that kind of they're living through their kids based on some of the things that they didn't get a chance to do. That's unfair to the child And I don't think any kids should have to go through that's trauma. It is because as they grow older, they become elders and tend to carry that. Then you realize why they have certain issues and why they can't hardly have different relationships with people based on things that happened to them that came from the parent. This is what they were taught.

Speaker 1: 11:46

Other examples are belittling name calling, prayer pressure. That's not beneficial to the child. I hear a lot of parents calling their children out of their names or making their accomplishments feel small, or if they get their report card. You gotta see.

Speaker 2: 12:09

Exactly exactly That is very damaging to any child, because if that's the best, i tell my nephew if that's the best that you have done, that's what I'm gonna take. That C is just like an A to me, because you did your very best.

Speaker 3: 12:25

Exactly. It's sending these unrealistic expectations for kids that we know are not attainable. For that, because each child is different.

Speaker 1: 12:33

So If a parent was listening to this podcast and we wanted to give them some strategies or tools to assist them in being an effective parent, what are some things that we can suggest to them?

Speaker 3: 12:49

I think one would be to listen.

Speaker 1: 12:52

Active listening.

Speaker 3: 12:53

Active listening Yes. Sit down, have one-on-one conversations, spend quality time so where you actually get to know your child. Not this is what this child is going to do. No, we need to see what this child wants to do.

Speaker 2: 13:07

Not just being in the same house with the child. Exactly, There's totally different from spending time with the child, having a conversation with the child and actually listening to what the child has to say.

Speaker 1: 13:19

And also creating a positive environment for that child. Making the child feel like they are able to come to you with any issues or concerns that they may be feeling at that time. Doing positive affirmations with the child, doing check-ins Just check-in to see how they're doing And I know through the week you're pretty busy but if you take that child to school that may be an opportunity for you to check in with her or him or turn on their favorite music and kind of just check in and see how they're doing And you know a realistic way to make sure that child feels like, hey, i can come to my mom or dad and they will validate my feelings. Take times out when frustrated. Sometimes if you're having a hard day at work, that may be not the opportunity to talk or fuss or discipline your child. Wait till you cool down.

Speaker 3: 14:20

Well, i'm just going to tell you I will get in the car But, seriously, whatever goes on at work, it's just going to be at work. That's not going to fit my home life because my family, i don't own them yet. But I will get in the car and I will talk about my supervisor to my baby. I'm sorry, that's what I do. I say you know, beauty and the beast show that today.

Speaker 3: 14:43

That's just what it is, and that's not to lay anything on her, but it's so funny She would just get in and say, hey, my beauty and the beast.

Speaker 1: 14:53

I mean this is just I mean but it gives her the opportunity when she's having troubles at school that you all can problem solve.

Speaker 2: 15:01

that Yes, teachers are a conflict resolution Exactly, and it teaches her one that two people can have a disagreement without physical violence. They can discuss it and still say, okay, we can agree to disagree or we can agree and move on with a plan.

Speaker 3: 15:18

Because I say yeah, even though, regardless of what goes on, i can see this is a professional setting. I'm sitting on, go hit that clock. regardless of what going on, i'm going to do a specific thing, which is to do what I need to do for my clients. It's not about that particular accountability.

Speaker 1: 15:35

And also talking to someone about the situation before we give out these harsh punishments. You know if you, if your child, is having something that you need to correct them about and you're kind of unsure about the punishment, talk to somebody. Sometimes they can get you to see something before you presented to the child that may have a harmful consequence for your relationship. So also talking to somebody who understands, before you decide to give whatever punishment that you seek fit, that the child needs.

Speaker 2: 16:08

Well, miss Carla, you know I utilize my village. If it's something I'm frustrated with and I just don't know how to approach it, i call, i call, i call her, or I call somebody and say, okay, let me see who I'm going to call about this. I don't know what to do. I know some need to be done, i don't know how to approach it. So I don't want to do some reckless, because I I I value the relationship that me and my nephew have. And I call and I said well, this was going on, give me your thoughts and you tell me. you know how I can approach this in a, in a, in a healthy and in positive way. Right And um, sometimes I even say what's okay to discuss and not discuss. you know how far to go with it. You know, i know you said, um, you allow her to, um, speak her mind. I sometimes. sometimes I'm like, well, how much I need to live them, cause I want to. I want to grab them by the shirt today.

Speaker 3: 17:08

But this is where you sit, Megan County, you know, sort of.

Speaker 2: 17:12

And then if I don't know when I'm too frustrated to figure that I call my village.

Speaker 3: 17:16

Cause it takes a video.

Speaker 2: 17:17

Yeah, i call my village.

Speaker 1: 17:20

And also as a parent, i always go back to some of the parenting styles that I saw my mom and dad do and see which ones were beneficial for me and ones that were not beneficial to me, because sometimes the things that you encountered in the past could have been toxic. So making sure that you know the difference if it's toxic or non-toxic. We have to continue to have these conversations because we have so many kids that are having childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, and those different things are coming from somewhere.

Speaker 2: 18:01

And I have a good example, let me just tell you. I was talking to some family members and they made a comment that their child said to their friends sometimes I just need to be cursed out, like my mama cursed me out, and I'm like, oh, lord, I said that ain't right.

Speaker 2: 18:25

And the child thought it was okay. and I said and when they told me about it, i said you know that ain't right, right, i know, but you know that's what I had to do, i said, because sometimes that wouldn't take. I said, yeah, that ain't right though.

Speaker 1: 18:41

And also, if you do something that may not be beneficial, it's okay to go back and apologize. I'm sorry that I did it. I was frustrated. It's okay to admit that we make mistakes And that is so important. So we need to start taking times out when we're frustrated. We need to talk to our village. We need to validate their feelings, create a positive environment where they're able to come to you about certain things and certain topics. So I think that's the first step in improving our parenting styles and creating a positive environment for our children. So this sums up our segment on toxic parenting And I hope you all have a great day and stay blessed.

Speaker 3: 19:32

Bye, bye, bye.