Powerful The Podcast
Powerful The Podcast
Season 1:Episode 4 :The Heart vs. External Influences: Choosing a Spouse and Navigating Modern Marriage
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Have you ever wondered what drives people to choose a spouse, and if our decisions are truly led by our hearts or influenced by external factors? Join us in this captivating conversation with our guest, Jason Watkins, as he shares his journey of being married four times and the key aspects that attracted him to each spouse. Dr. Bullie also opens up about growing up in a single-parent home and how her experiences shaped her decision to marry for companionship, friendship, and security.
Powerful The Podcast Intro
Powerful the podcast Outro Music
Choosing a Spouse
Speaker 1Welcome to the powerful podcast . Powerful , optimistic women evolving relentlessly for uplifting lives . My name is Shalonda Carlile and our other host today is Dr Bianca Thompson . Okay , and we have a special guest that is on the show today . His name is Jason Watkins . So today's topic we're going to talk about why did you get married ? So we're going to start , jason . How long were you married ? Tell us you know how many times you've been married . Tell us a little bit about yourself .
Speaker 2I'm Jason Watkins . I've been married four different times . The longest one was three years and the shortest one was 60 days .
Speaker 1So I asked away . Okay , so the first question today is what were the key factors in choosing your spouse ?
Speaker 2Each time was different My first wife that was kind of one of those love at first sight type deals I don't know if people really believe in it but she literally just kind of like blew me away . So everything after that was kind of like a whirlwind . The rest of them , like I said , they were all kind of different individuals . So that question kind of became towards how I was feeling and what I was going through in my life at that particular point .
Speaker 1So they all had their unique qualities that attracted you to them .
Speaker 3Correct .
Speaker 1Okay , so key factors in choosing your spouse . Dr Bulley , what are some things that attracted you to your spouse ?
Speaker 3Well , i've known my spouse for several years , even through high school , and that was something as a young teenager I said we're going to get married And even through the ups and downs , we always Drifted back to each other at the time of growing up . We had the same , we were on the same , as they say equally Yoke . We came up the same way , had the same aspirations , and For me it was not financial , it was more of companionship , friendship . My love language is affection and spending time , and so it was love and then , more so , security . My mom I grew up In a one-pan home and my mom , when she passed , she was not married , she was alone , and I didn't want that for myself . I also wanted children with that person and in my mind no other person could be That person , but who I married to now And talking to some of my clients in my private practice , you made a good point .
Speaker 1Some of the things that they said attracted them to their spouse is past trauma , from childhood , you know . If they didn't have a two-parent home or if a Grandparent was raising them , they kind of reflected their spouse on what they didn't receive or What they didn't receive when they were a child and they wanted to make sure when they got married that they Was able to , you know , make sure that those type of things happen when they got received or got married and Wanted to live happily ever after . You know , they wanted to make sure that The trauma that they had in childhood would not be relived in their adulthood .
Speaker 3Correct , okay .
Speaker 2So , With that being said , but is that necessarily a healthy way of viewing things ? Or looking for a companion ? because you're you're trying to correct ? Well , are you trying to create like a generational issue , or you just try to correct something that that particular person felt wrong in their life ?
Speaker 3I will say no . At the time It was my point of view . But as you grow , you live , you experience life . You understand that's not realistic and that I don't know if the right terminology would be healthy , but it's not realistic . And going forward and Deciding who you're gonna spend the rest of your life with .
Speaker 2Well , i can agree to that because , like I said , that Each time I've gotten there was either Normally right after some type of trauma that had happened to me that changed the way my , my mental , like that's just what it was for me , and I can say those , those young ladies , and they provided something that Either someone in my family didn't do or I just felt like I really couldn't open up to them , or my friends as that . You know that time to Just confide in . So I do understand it makes sense .
Speaker 1Okay . Did your flesh choose your spouse or did God lead you to your spouse ?
Speaker 2I've asked this question many times when some of my friends have gotten married and some of those times They tell me that they can't answer that for me , yeah , it was probably a hundred percent time of the flesh and then , after time had went by , if some of our core values lined up , then I think that was kind of it . But I don't think God ever really had a Factory into that for me , like I really think it was Okay for me I would say it was more .
Speaker 3It was a little bit of God , nothing really to do with flesh . More . So where I grew up , it was more being familiar and in loyalty and trust with whether it was partnership , marriage , friendship , loyalty and trust is something that had to be a part of that commitment . So for me that's what it was . My husband I knew if something was to happen to me I knew he would do what was right by me . I knew if I needed something I knew he would be there . So that's what it was for me Okay .
Speaker 1Do you feel that there were benefits to getting married ? A lot of people , to be quite honest . When somebody comes for counseling or any type of therapy , when they're talking it's never primarily for love . It's like they have a checklist of why they want to get married . I want to have a child . I want to be able to go to different events with my husband . It's more for validation is one of the benefits .
Speaker 2Marriage is a contract . I mean it's a business . If it wasn't , then you wouldn't have to sign paperwork to do it and you wouldn't have to hire lawyers and go through all the course to get unmarried . So I think love has a place in marriage , but I don't believe it's solely based upon love . It's not . So if you can't see yourself being based upon being with a person and then maybe to have a little business with them long term , then I don't see what marriage was to fit most people , because most people based marriage upon love . At this point in my life now I realize that that's not the end . I'll tell all .
Speaker 1So let's go back to choosing your spouse by flesh . How has choosing your spouse by flesh affected your life ? Like ? what impact did it have that you chose , you know , the flesh instead of going toward God ?
Speaker 2Hmm , you know , when I first got married , i was 24 , 23 , 24 . So the mentality that you have in your 20s versus the mentality having your 30s , versus the mentality having your 40s or 50s , it changes as you get older Because , of course , you go through things and you realize that . You know . The body changes , the looks changes , your maturity level changes , so that's going to change with the type of woman that you are looking for or your . You know what you're attracted to as well . So that part of the flesh is going to forever be changing .
Speaker 2As you mature , you start looking for different character , roles and core values and things of that nature as well . So , like God , but that , unless he himself is run down , says , hey , this is the one right here , my son , my guy , and that's it . So I don't know if I will ever just be that person to say , yeah , god , put her , put her here in my life , and we may have crossed paths , and I do believe in faith . I can actually say that the guy would be the person to determine that for
Marriage and Social Media
Speaker 2me .
Speaker 1So in this day and age , are people entering marriage to be happy or because of the glitz and glam of impressing social media ?
Speaker 3I feel like a lot of people get married because of what they see on social media and Instagram . I've seen in Facebook , i've seen several people seen totally blissfully in love on Facebook , and when I , or Instagram , and when I see them in person , it's not that . Or maybe a few weeks or a few months later . Take like Tia Mowry , for instance . You know her and Corey , you know , for about four months ago blissful , about four or five months ago blissful . And now they're getting a divorce and she's saying she's living her best life and she had a epiphany and she said it was all about putting herself first and making herself happy and none of that included Corey . And I'm like I just because I'm one of the ones that watched her cooking show and I was like she was just saying how happy she was .
Speaker 3Look how they say what had happened in just that short period of time . You know so it's not what it seems and a lot of times and that's why I stay out of social media I look and I be like , hmm , okay , they doing this , they doing that , but then you talk to the person it's nothing like that . But a lot of people , they live up to other people's standards , especially when they see what's going on on Facebook . They a lot of people say that's what I want or I want that in my marriage , or couple goals . That's the key . That's the key phrase people are using now . That's couple goals , and none of it is couple goals . Every relationship in each and every person is individualized , and what makes one relationship successful or marriage successful is not going to make your successful may or may not .
Speaker 1But also , people on social media only show you the good portion . They're not going to tell you what's really going on behind closed doors . So sometimes we seek validation for something that is not even actually a reality . Your life can be totally different outside of social media . You can present , portray any type of life you want We're on vacation , we're going to dinner , a couple of goals , like you said but in real life you could be suffering . So a lot of people . They live in this social media reality because we don't want to . I guess we don't want to think that that is not real or that's something that's not obtainable in our relationship .
Speaker 3I call it the avatar life .
Speaker 1The avatar life .
Speaker 3okay Because it's people on there , you know they're just . It's like a fantasy They just portraying with . They either want to either how they want their marriage to be or how they want the , the naysayers to see , or the other people they're trying to impress . To see is like They dress up like on avatar . They dress up , put their clothes on and they , They go out for a show . Action And that's what you see .
Speaker 1Absolutely what you think , Jason .
Speaker 2I do agree with , with you all I've both said , but for me happened it starts with then . So I Have seen a lot of times that people will try to Pour happiness into someone and they lose themselves . What works for me doesn't necessarily work for the next person and I can't really worry about what the next people do . That takes too much energy from what I have going on in my real life . You know , saying so , the social media thing keeps people from being open-minded , you know is like you said that the couple goals , you know they I've seen now now , like the little reels They're doing , the little index cards , you know , and just that another .
Speaker 2That was just something that you know . One person started that was that the therapist may have told him to do . Well , it was in couples counseling and you know it was working for them . But what they didn't know is that when they go home and close the door there are biting each other's , you know , face off , arguing and bickering like you don't get to see that part of it . So I feel like it's it's a one-sided situation and it's a realistic at the most .
Speaker 1And , like you said , happiness does start within . If you're not happy , how are you gonna pour into somebody else ? So you need to work on being happy first So that you can work on whatever relationship that you're trying to have .
Speaker 2And what ?
Speaker 1would . What advice would you give those who want to maintain a long-lasting , healthy relationship ?
Speaker 2From my experience . You know happy people attract happy people . You're going to attract what you , what you put out into the world , into the universe . So You're going to have to Set your own boundaries , for yourself and For others . They're gonna have to , as well , be tolerable . That too , if you have to stand on that a lot of times .
Speaker 2We have friends and family that just come into our life and You know , because we love them for whatever reason , that we love them and we , trying to help them or see them through certain things , we , we become their punching bag and they're going to be like I'm not sure if you're going to be like that , i'm not sure if you're going to be like that Or see them through certain things . We , we become their punching bag and then , after we've tried to mend them , we're not even where we started to begin with . You know a sense of now . We have a cycle that we have to try to mend the help and then there's no one to help you or , at the end of the day , you just have to do what's best for you , like when you wake up in the morning time , do things that make you happy . Whether it is be I like starbucks , i'm gonna go to starbucks and get the biggest cup of coffee Whatever it is that you want for starbucks because that makes you happy at that particular time .
Speaker 3That's okay .
Speaker 2You have to have , you have to have some self entitlement in order to make it , you know , from day to day , and that's kind of shunned if you really think about it .
Speaker 1Absolutely . Communication , i know , is very important in having a long lasting relationship . A lot of people don't communicate or let their partner know how they feel . Sometimes when they're feeling not their best or are dealing with some inner demons , they don't express or communicate . They keep all of that information inside and it causes problems . So communication , i think , is very important in having a long lasting relationship And also knowing your partner's love language and being able to adapt and change . Because just because a person was this way at the first portion of their relationship , we evolve as people . So if they involve and say , hey , i wanted to kind of stay home at the first portion of my relationship and now I wanna do a different career , just change , be okay with them changing if it makes them happy , if you see positive growth .
Speaker 2Well , I found that that's not necessarily not always taken as a good thing , because my experience when just say , you got married and just had another , I know life happens , but a lot of people don't like . they don't like change . So they feel like what they enter to is what they wanted to stay And then one person is going to grow in a break to change and the next person's gonna be like but I don't want that .
Speaker 2So , as that moment That's how it will become unequally Right . So at that moment you actually have a rift . It stays there and that just turns into the first issue It turns into . I don't feel like . you know they had my back . I don't feel all of that , so that just causes problems later on .
Speaker 3Yeah , that's . I agree with him . You know two people . They start off one way . One person continues to grow and then the other person says will you change ? And well , life is fluid . We're supposed to change , we're supposed to continue to grow And , like Shalonda said , you should embrace change and growth longest as positive . But a lot of you know , in your relationship , if you outgrow one another , be honest with each other and acknowledge that we've outgrown one another . You have to be honest with yourself . Would you want in your marriage , would you want in your because my marriage is a partnership Would you want in your partnership ? You need to be honest with yourself And if I think I was listening to Will Smith once , you have to be happy first . Another person can't make you happy . They should be able to add to your happiness , but not you should not be with a person and put that burden on that other person . To make you happy , be happy first . Know what you want out of life . Know what you want out of your relationship . Be truthful and standing your truth .
Speaker 2So I do have a question . So I've seen people who have been married for 20 , 30 years and then they just divorced . The only reason why I could feel like you can spend two to three decades with a person and whether , like all types of storms , and then just realize that y'all are not no longer compatible , would be because one person outgrew the next person and , like their depth , the person that they outgrew is now becoming a hinder .
Speaker 3That's one aspect , you know . another aspect is that a lot of people stay in marriage for , say , like , financial reasons . I know a couple that stayed together and I think maybe the six or seventh year they have been having issues from him not paying bills , her doing everything , and it was just , it was doomed . And I remember saying hey , if y'all not going to stay married , you need to get out of the marriage before 10 years , because after 10 years he's entitled to just about half everything that you have and you're the breadwinner . Well , it prolonged and prolonged over 20 years and then , when it finally got to the point of I can't take it anymore , they had been married 20 years , more than 20 years , and then it became a little bit better . because he had to , he was entitled to half everything , but over 10 or 15 years it was them sleeping in separate rooms , them having separate lives but staying up under the same roof . So it was already .
Speaker 2I just never understand the purpose of that .
Speaker 3Oh . I don't understand the purpose of that either . That's why I said standing your truth , be honest with yourself . If the marriage is not working , the partnership is not working . I'm not saying just leave , go to counseling , try to come to get on the same path . If it's not , i mean it's not the end of the world to the person that you once loved . Become a season in your life .
Speaker 2Right . So as humans , we one of the things that we dislike most is failure . The one thing that you really want to hate that you failed upon is love , or that you failed in your marriage . That sets up a wall that you become guarded over time . Then the next person that comes along that may be good for you now has to break all these walls down that you have put up for yourself because you failed to just accept that all things are not meant to last forever . I don't know of anything that stays the same , other than change , Changes . I know that changes every day .
Letting Go for Healthy Relationships
Speaker 1Also , people are afraid to let go . We're used to this , we know how this person is and we're afraid that we are not able to move on or we're not able to find somebody else . So people stay complacent in relationships when it's time for that relationship to go . So what I'm hearing today is you know , living in your reality , communicating , finding your own happiness and be able to change and let go is some of the key components in having a long lasting , healthy relationship .
Speaker 2Would ever consider a top behavior that you know . You sit around and prolong things because we're absolutely hoping that it gets better in your heart or heart . You know that you just don't have any .
Speaker 1It's very toxic . It's very toxic , very unhealthy , you know , but some people are used to being with toxicity So they stay in it . But I do believe that when the season is over and it's no longer serving you , you should let it go . Jason , I want to thank you for being on power for the podcast . We had a wonderful time with you today .
Speaker 3Yes , thank you , jason , for being with us today .
Speaker 2No problem , i look forward to more .
Speaker 1Absolutely .
Speaker 2Y'all ladies , have a blessed weekend .
Speaker 3You do the same .
Speaker 2All right .
Speaker 3Bye , bye .
