Monster Monster
Eldritchville Ep 14 - Goose on Cultist on Dragon Violence
What if the fate of an ancient fey dragon rested in the hands of a fighter and a shadow sorcerer? Join Chester Blackfield and Ekrem as they embark on a nail-biting mission to thwart a malevolent cult's plans and prevent the awakening of an elder god. Discover how our heroes strategize to dismantle massive ballistas aiming to pin down the majestic dragon amid a relentless onslaught of cultists and bizarre, stitched-together creatures.
Witness the chaos unfold at the cultist portals, where Chester seizes a ballista to target spellcasters sustaining the enemy's invasion while Ekrem unleashes his arcane might. The tension skyrockets as cultists swarm, bizarre creatures hurl boulders, and our heroes navigate the battlefield's tactical complexities. Marvel at Chester's quick thinking and Ekrem's arcane prowess as they aim to protect the dragon and disrupt the portals, creating a thrilling narrative filled with humor and unexpected twists.
As the battle intensifies, Chester's perception reveals cultists sneaking towards dragon eggs, propelling Chester and Ekrem into a race against time. Experience the epic clash of legendary actions, mental torment, and tactical maneuvers as they strive to free the dragon from its constraints. From fire bolts to necrotic shrouds, every move counts in this gripping episode of Monster Monster. Don't miss out on this rollercoaster of strategy, courage, and epic fantasy action. And remember, your support and reviews keep the magic alive—share your thoughts and join us in two weeks for another adventure!
What if the fate of an ancient fey dragon rested in the hands of a fighter and a shadow sorcerer? Join Chester Blackfield and Ekrem as they embark on a nail-biting mission to thwart a malevolent cult's plans and prevent the awakening of an elder god. Discover how our heroes strategize to dismantle massive ballistas aiming to pin down the majestic dragon amid a relentless onslaught of cultists and bizarre, stitched-together creatures.
Witness the chaos unfold at the cultist portals, where Chester seizes a ballista to target spellcasters sustaining the enemy's invasion while Ekrem unleashes his arcane might. The tension skyrockets as cultists swarm, bizarre creatures hurl boulders, and our heroes navigate the battlefield's tactical complexities. Marvel at Chester's quick thinking and Ekrem's arcane prowess as they aim to protect the dragon and disrupt the portals, creating a thrilling narrative filled with humor and unexpected twists.
As the battle intensifies, Chester's perception reveals cultists sneaking towards dragon eggs, propelling Chester and Ekrem into a race against time. Experience the epic clash of legendary actions, mental torment, and tactical maneuvers as they strive to free the dragon from its constraints. From fire bolts to necrotic shrouds, every move counts in this gripping episode of Monster Monster. Don't miss out on this rollercoaster of strategy, courage, and epic fantasy action. And remember, your support and reviews keep the magic alive—share your thoughts and join us in two weeks for another adventure!
Welcome to Monster Monster, a real play Dungeons and Dragons podcast featuring comedians as your favorite characters. I'm your Dungeon Master, Kevin Eggleston, joined today by Hi, I'm Tyson Cox.
Speaker 4:I'm playing a scofflaw fighter named Chester Blackfield Just a good old boy who wants to do good and punch good and drink good. Smart boy he is.
Speaker 1:My name is Tyler Waltz and I will be playing Ekrem, who is a sorcerer, a shadow sorcerer, that understands that sometimes fighting fire with fire does in fact work.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's why it's a saying. That's not a noose, you didn't invent it.
Speaker 4:He watched a lot of Backdraft starring that guy that was also Superman.
Speaker 1:Well, the saying is don't fight fire with fire, not you should.
Speaker 3:Sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire. It's a like is it?
Speaker 1:yeah I thought it was don't fight fire with fire.
Speaker 3:Oh no, at least that's how I think it was they when they were talking to you.
Speaker 1:It was don't start fires I think we grew up in different households.
Speaker 4:They were like you're already killing animals and wet in the bed.
Speaker 3:Don't start fires one head trauma away from it being a problem for everyone oh no, he's interested in football and wwe all right uh, on our last session, you folks had uh failed at saving one dragon.
Speaker 2:We failed that.
Speaker 3:With one left you have a chance to redeem yourselves and hopefully prevent a resetting of everything, to prevent an elder god from awakening. You are in the Feywild.
Speaker 1:I like to think of it as like the dragon failed to live. Not, we failed to save the dragon, you know, because we're just two dudes right yeah, I'm.
Speaker 3:You know, when I think about lord of the rings, I think they'd been like you know what. It was irresponsible of us to send two half-sized people it was.
Speaker 1:It was very irresponsible. It worked, it did it worked, it didn't. This time, I mean so what are the 50 50 odds?
Speaker 4:you're gonna gamble that now, I mean, they didn't kill the big spider. That's one big bad guy it is we have this one to proverbially kill, which means safe. So what's going on?
Speaker 3:in the adventure. Oh boy, uh, all right, I've never done a recap. That also felt like an intelligence check for you two. You arrived after being led to this underground, cavernous system. You opened up into this beautiful, massive chamber full of natural wonders. Full of natural wonders, and amongst that you saw portals with cultists pouring out of them, all, swarming towards a fey dragon, this massive, ancient, powerful being that almost seemed made of flowers. Vines, the actual essence of the feywild itself. Vines, the actual essence of the feywild itself.
Speaker 3:You see before you, um, these things almost swarming like ants over this beautiful creature. Um, it rears back, letting out a deafening roar that, even though in this massive chamber you feel it shake you and you also spy. It's about 300 feet to where this dragon is currently struggling. You see cultists in several locations setting up massive ballastas, these gigantic, basically siege engine-sized crossbows to try to skewer the dragon, keep it from launching itself into the air. You see some of the more misshapen creatures that the cult employs, the cultists that have been fused together into these abominations, hurling chunks of earth and rock towards the dragon. And then you just see various spellcasters hurling little motes of magic that almost seem to be dwarfed by this size of this creature and its immensity. What would you guys like to do?
Speaker 1:Can I make an insight check to kind of get an understanding of which I feel is the biggest individual threat to the dragon?
Speaker 3:sure go ahead. Uh, actually, that wouldn't be insight, that's. Uh, that would be. You can do a perception?
Speaker 1:perception, perception. Okay, that would be a 19 plus 2. 19?.
Speaker 3:Okay, definitely the most pressing threat, because if this dragon can get itself airborne, it probably has. I mean, it's a dragon and it's ancient, it's got a pretty good fighting chance. Cool, it's one of the most impressive creatures in existence.
Speaker 1:So the ballistas.
Speaker 3:Yeah, those ballistas are probably the thing that are going to, because if you look and you see these massive bolts have chains tied to them. So they're trying to anchor it to the ground.
Speaker 1:How far?
Speaker 3:away, is it? You're about 300 yards from the first, or 300 feet, I'm sorry, from the first ballista it was 300 feet earlier. I don't know distances. I think this is the time that we talk about uh. That's why I was like first downs are only 10 feet.
Speaker 4:Why you guys uh question. Uh, I'd like to look directly above. The ballista is there a large chandelier tied with a rope.
Speaker 3:It's weird, each one of the cultists have been setting it on an x.
Speaker 2:Yes, and they're like, hey, it's really cool, you guys just put these here.
Speaker 4:They have theater degrees they're like that's our mark.
Speaker 3:Yeah, uh, oh, so it's just like there are stalactites, but this is again a chamber designed to hold a creature that's about 35 40 feet tall with a 30 40 foot wingspan I'm gonna go punch the ballistas.
Speaker 1:You knock down, some of them stalactites how confident do you feel being on your own for a little bit?
Speaker 4:it's yet to fail. One time in our history of working together sounds great send it um.
Speaker 1:Do we need to roll initiative or is this like a free action beforehand?
Speaker 3:We're gonna actually be starting with doing some turns Now. Basically, I've got a counter that I'm gonna be doing here. If this counter gets up to 14, each round it's gonna be increased by two. Certain actions you take can reduce that, okay, but if you guys get it to 14, it's bad.
Speaker 4:I don't like there's like a quantifiable way we can fuck this up. I don't like.
Speaker 1:I'm going to get as close as possible.
Speaker 4:Don't do that.
Speaker 1:And then start worrying, and then worry, right.
Speaker 3:You're like, hey, we got a ways to go. Oh, we start on 12?
Speaker 1:Okay, so do we start on 12? Okay, so do we need to roll initiative?
Speaker 3:Yes, we'll go ahead and roll initiative. You're not necessarily in combat, but this is going to help us just keep track of who goes when.
Speaker 4:Okay.
Speaker 3:All right, what'd you get?
Speaker 1:17.
Speaker 4:17,. All right, Nine, nice it's good to have a balance.
Speaker 3:It's good to have a balance. It's good to have a real nice balance when you're rolling dice.
Speaker 4:That way I can react to whatever his things have been.
Speaker 3:I'm going to do these as groups, so there's going to be four distinct groups. There's going to be the ballista group that's going to get its own initiative. There's going to be the spellcasters that get their own initiative. There's going to be the guys that are throwing big rocks. So the ballistas are all clumped together. They're not, no, they're kind of spread out, but they're all kind of working at the same pace. It's just we're again. If we tried to abstract and you made me roll. Initiative for everyone that's in this room.
Speaker 1:Oh my god we have to get a sandwich. We have time.
Speaker 4:We have, we have time yeah, we don't uh actually, the longer he rolls for initiative, the longer we have to think about a good plan boom, I think I've already got one.
Speaker 1:As long as you're cool, it like round one with being alone for a little bit yeah, yeah, okay, I'm pretty cool, I put on sunglasses all right, you look like joe biden with those on. Cool Joe.
Speaker 3:Biden no, mostly dead.
Speaker 1:No comment, don't want to get into it.
Speaker 4:This is not a political podcast.
Speaker 3:Well, he's not a politician after.
Speaker 4:How wild is it going to be if he dies Like the day?
Speaker 1:this episode comes out, I'll tell you one thing It'll be predictable.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's not going to be one of those ones where people are like nobody saw this coming.
Speaker 4:This isn't even like a political joke, he's just very old. He's just closer to death than most people.
Speaker 1:What's your dex? My dex is a plus two. Okay, cool, so you are uh gonna be getting your chance okay um, we have already established that you're okay with being alone for a little bit, so I will pat you on the shoulder and I will go uh, godspeed, and I will vortex warp you to the ballista.
Speaker 4:Oh, I for some reason thought you were leaving me.
Speaker 1:I am.
Speaker 3:What's the range?
Speaker 1:on that. It literally just says if I can see it, I can warp somebody to it. A free space around it, oh it says object in sight can be warped to what you can see Hell yeah, so. I will. I will warp him to the one that's not the closest to me but like second closest Okay.
Speaker 4:I land. When I land, free Action will be like. You couldn't have warped me into a Chili's Do you see a Chili's here.
Speaker 3:Actually, right behind you there is a TGI.
Speaker 1:Friday it's like what fantasy world has Chili's.
Speaker 3:Well, it's not a perfect fantasy, Well.
Speaker 4:Fantasy McDonald's is getting so expensive that it's becoming just as reasonable to hit up a Fantasy TGI Fridays or a. Fantasy. Chili's for a full meal about the same price. Maybe even have a beer.
Speaker 3:You know what they call it. It's seriously there. It's TGI Fridays or TGIF, but it's, thank God, it's Feywild.
Speaker 2:Ooh.
Speaker 3:Hell yeah, you know how cool that joke would have been if I wouldn't have goofed.
Speaker 4:Hey, robert, make him sound cool. Yeah, bing, robert did not make him sound cool.
Speaker 3:Okay, well, now we're being a shit.
Speaker 1:So after that I will run my 30 feet forward.
Speaker 4:You just saved him.
Speaker 1:And then 120 feet in front of that towards the closest ballista, I will summon my hounds of ill will.
Speaker 4:Okay, is that two spells in one turn? No, it's a class feature that takes sorcery points. Is that a bonus action? Yep, it is a bonus action. That one's a bonus action. Okay.
Speaker 1:And then my hounds will proceed to move another 30 feet closer to that next ballista.
Speaker 3:Okay, so I think Is it one puppy or two.
Speaker 1:It's one. It's one at this level. What's its name? Describe it to me Cerberus. That sounds fun. That's a good shadow dog name Cerberus.
Speaker 4:Pretty classic, pretty on the nose, classic derivative. So it's a third of Cerberus. Is it Cerber or Us?
Speaker 1:It's Ber.
Speaker 3:Do you think Cerberus does the budweiser frocks? Is that what you're thinking?
Speaker 1:so we'll just say burr, uh, and then I think that means it can get to it next turn good, um, and then that's it for me okay, all right.
Speaker 3:Uh, the cultists in front of you. I forgot to roll initiative for the dragon. He's, he was taking a nap. That's not good.
Speaker 1:Perfect timing.
Speaker 3:All right. So those cultists are just pouring through this portal. You see, each one of these. There's four portals in the area around you. Each one's propped up by a spellcaster that's keeping it open, um, as kind of like a gate from the other world or from your city. Um, these guys are pouring out and they're just taking their time to rush and essentially trying to like, basically give each other all the help actions to like.
Speaker 3:So it's like six people like yeah, you got a buddy and one just going ham, yeah, they're doing that thing in like an action movie where they all surround the good guy and they're like one at a time ninjas, but it's a cool shot, yeah, um. So they are going to take some attacks I don't know why I'm rolling that we have group rules, um. So of these like 30 weenie guys that are out there right now, uh, they are gonna hit. A couple of these guys are gonna hit and, uh, it's just like guys trying to find gaps in scales. Um, some of them are getting kicked by claws from this dragon as it's uh flailing. Some of it's just its sheer mass just rolling over on these folks, but they don't seem to have any regard for their own well-being.
Speaker 4:Just tube of toothpaste in these cult members.
Speaker 3:Yeah, pretty much All right. That said, the handful of these beefy kind of stitched together. Gosh, what's the best way to describe it? Uh, you guys ever have, like a ever been poor currently. Yeah right now you ever take like a ball of soap and you're like, well, I got these two little slivers of soap, I'm gonna make them one soap, yeah make a soap comic no, they did that with people yeah, they did that with people and they yeah, we don't need to take these arms off, they just took two dudes and mushed them together.
Speaker 3:Pretty much Just a large Herald Collider, larger numbers of people, so these things you meant like a Hadron Collider, but you made it a Herald Collider, two guys named. Herald. Yeah, okay, yep, you know I'm going to check the board. That was the smartest joke you've made. The whole pod, that's pretty good.
Speaker 4:I knew about bird feet at one point, and now this.
Speaker 3:So these things are just kind of like taking their groups of arms, kind of working in this weird rhythm to hurl these boulders, and these four groups are going to get rock attacks. It's going to be a hit, two hits Like 80s rock. Three hits Jesus Christ, they all hit Alright, alright, dad rock.
Speaker 4:Oh, dad rock, oh no.
Speaker 3:Yeah, then the damage comes and it's not great. Okay, all right. Uh, some of these rocks just slam into the the dragon and it's uh, you see it buckling under the weight of these boulders. It's not too hurt, but it's just like, hey, that's gonna take its toll. All right, um, chester, what would you like to do?
Speaker 4:how cool are you feeling right now? Like you're in the mood for some badass stuff let's see what you got. All right uh, so I just teleported to the ballista how loaded, is it?
Speaker 3:uh, they are in the process of loading it, like they're kind of trying to do the hand crank thing to get it sighted in.
Speaker 4:So it's loaded but it's not sighted in Right. Okay, I would like to grab the back end where they move it left and right and just crank that motherfucker over towards one of the and point it at one of the mages summoning the portal.
Speaker 3:Okay, it at uh, one of the mages summoning like the portal. Okay, uh, so are you you're just ignoring the cultists that are actually in the process of aiming it, or are you going to try to like blend in with them, be like I got this one?
Speaker 4:um, yeah, I'm gonna be like, hang on, we're off and then I'm gonna just go.
Speaker 3:So I'd like to do a slight, just like a, just a quick deception check uh yeah, I'll let you use either deception or uh intimidation and uh then you're gonna make an athletics check to try to hurt this thing around I rolled an initiative, so I'm technically in combat. Yes, yeah yes, I would like to use my really cool scofflaw ability and if there's you paying attention, you want to play scofflaw yourself. That is a hit point.
Speaker 1:Press humblewood, little very creature you just hear one of the cultists that are aiming at like hey, look at that mage over there, his name's bill. He was my best man there when my kid was born uh.
Speaker 3:So since I'm in combat, I can use my I think you think these cultists talk a lot more interpersonally than they do.
Speaker 1:I like it when they actually have depth, so you know when they die.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but it's like you know they have a shared interest so they don't really have to talk about much beyond that. It's kind of like when you go to like a comedy show and you just talk to comedians about comedy and you're like, oh, I know you're another person besides this, but I don't really want to know it. Yeah, I want to make sure I get this right, jesus. He made a Hadron Collider joke and he's checking the rules. What is man? Taking a little break and recording pods has really done wonders for Tyson.
Speaker 4:So yeah, I would like to use my strength for my charisma check, which is Just make sure it is right. Yeah, so it's going to be a plus eight. Okay, to persuade them that I need to just like I'll work a little bit off To the photographer.
Speaker 3:Okay, you're going to have to beat an 11.
Speaker 4:17, baby.
Speaker 3:Okay, you got the nerdiest ballista group.
Speaker 2:they're like he's got muscles, he's gotta know what's up. You don't get guns like that without having morals.
Speaker 4:I spit in my hands, you know what I mean, because that's the sign of like a man that's working and knows what he's. And I just, and now I just like try to just bowl, shove it toward, like point it at one of the other guys okay, uh, give me an athletics check to do basically the work of what a team was doing uh, unnatural 20 okay you, uh, swing this ballista over towards, uh, pointing towards one of the mages, or in the cluster of spell casters.
Speaker 3:They've got, you see, just like shields kind of flaring up, these magical shields, as they're kind of blocking themselves from anything that the dragon's trying to do, but they are not expecting their own people to mess with them.
Speaker 4:I call this missile the blitz of the Spanish Inquisition, because no one ever suspects the Spanish Inquisition. And then I like to just rip the knob, fire it.
Speaker 3:Okay, all right, you yank that lever. Go ahead and make your attack roll. I will let you have advantage on this, because it's a beefy ballista.
Speaker 4:What do I roll for that? What do I roll for ballista?
Speaker 3:Technically it would be a dex. It would be your attack plus dex, Alright.
Speaker 4:Okay, 18 on the die, so that would be. You have advantage on it. You can try to crit fish. I will crit fish. Okay, 18 on the die, so that would be.
Speaker 3:You have advantage on it. Oh, you can try to crit fish.
Speaker 4:I will crit fish no a two on the second.
Speaker 1:Okay, I'm going to cast silvery barbs on him To give him advantage or disadvantage.
Speaker 4:Make him roll again Both. So all in all that is 25.
Speaker 3:Okay, something around there. All right, you watch and this giant chained bolt slams into these guys all wearing matching robes, uh, you just see, it's kind of like an action movie where, like the one guy turns at the last minute and just like huh, and then it just just takes him off his feet uh, sends him flying back. All the other ones kind of are scattered. Um, so you've, you've taken out one of the groups of uh spell casters right now. Uh, the like team of cultists is kind of like hey, man, that wasn't the dragons.
Speaker 2:That way he fucked my wife the dragon, yeah right, no, no. Pronouns and antecedents are important. Oh sorry, all right, just because we're evil cultists doesn't mean we don't appreciate grammar.
Speaker 4:I apologize, but the fella like I speared him, like he speared my wife him, because he speared my wife it was a visual metaphor the ballista was his own penis. Yeah, oh, you got spear cucked all right and I just kind of I'm that's got to be the end of my term, but the whole time like uh, all right, these guys are gonna get, uh, some attacks as they're like.
Speaker 3:That doesn't sound good, that doesn't sound truthful. All right, uh, there's four of them. There's a five hit. How about a 15? No, how about a 10? No, how about a 15? No, how about a 10? No, how about a seven? They are very dumb and confused.
Speaker 4:They're like well, I get why he did it.
Speaker 3:Look, we don't like that. He's sabotaging our plans. But we understand why he's sabotaging our plans. All right, that is your turn, chester. That is the Ballista. Well, no, those Ballista boys got their opportunity packs. The Beefy boys have gone. The Spellcasters, so there are three groups of Spellcasters. They are working collaboratively to just basically ground this thing. So our dragon is going to have to make a couple saving throws Nat 1. He's going to burn one of his legendary resistances, nice.
Speaker 4:And then question by killing one of the portal groups, is that going to help slow down the yeah?
Speaker 3:All right. And they have to reset that ballista 2, or these cultists. This dragon is not doing great Saves on that one, let's see if it does on the other one this time. Dragon is not doing great Saves on that one, see if it does on the other one.
Speaker 1:This time it's not our fault. This is the dragon's fault.
Speaker 3:And then he saves on that he also is going to get to take a legendary action on this turn.
Speaker 4:That'll be a comfort to us, Tyler, as we're being ripped into nothingness and fading out of existence. You know what Garfield hates Mondays Wasn't our fault. Two true things. Two true things.
Speaker 1:From what we know, we're going to get another chance he's going to take a big old tail attack on one of these groups of cultists.
Speaker 3:You see, this tail that is as thick as the thickest tree trunk you've ever seen, just slam and take out a whole pass of cultists.
Speaker 3:Hell yeah, that dragon's thick yeah, he dummy, thick um, and then that's actually going to be the dragon's turn. He is going to uh rear back and uh, the breath that he releases is, just, as you look it, it's life itself. It's like the unrestrained life of the Feywild. As he does this, you see vines and branches almost just erupting out of these cultists that are caught in the breath, as just nature itself pushes back against them. One guy gets a little like flower just through his mouth. It looks very beautiful, and then two thick vines with thorns pop out of his eyes.
Speaker 1:Real Silent Hill, esque. I like it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, they're like oh, let's go oh that's bad. Well, don't do that to us.
Speaker 3:All right, that's going to bring us back up. That is going to be a lair action, and just starts twerking shaking down stalactites. Okay, hey, tyson, make me a charisma saving throw for one of those beefy boys. Just know, stitched together, people tend to not be super charismatic.
Speaker 4:A charisma saving, throw. Wait, I mean combat. I got a 17, at least Not you.
Speaker 3:Just a flat.
Speaker 4:D20 roll B20. 16 on the die, then 16.
Speaker 3:Okay, this thing fails. You see, it just kind of wink out of existence. This dragon, through the power of the Feywild, has yanked it into a dream plane.
Speaker 2:Ooh.
Speaker 3:So just imagine, if you will. He's just surrounded by like a cabana, like drinks and coconuts, and he's got one in each. One of his little used to be a human arm.
Speaker 4:That sounds way better than where we're at.
Speaker 3:He doesn't like it, he's just like how does?
Speaker 4:upper management always get vacations, yet they do the least amount of work.
Speaker 1:Am I right fellas, and I know it's one of? The cultists let's shoot another, uh, fellow employee hey, who hates he were for hr.
Speaker 4:Let's, let's make their day a real nightmare. Let's kill another one of.
Speaker 2:Let's kill that other ballista, uh we actually are more of a co-op cult ever. No, we don't put one person above the other, except for no, so you can all die the head's, not a problem except, oh, you accept.
Speaker 3:So it sounds like we all need to form a union because we are being taken advantage of by the one man I actually plan on undoing existence, so it kind of will take care of itself if we get that job done, like it's one of those. Uh, I think you're working on a micro problem and we're working on a macro scale.
Speaker 4:you know what? If you know what, if your life was just better and you're like I don't want to get rid of existence, I kind of enjoy it. It sounds like you're under the thumb of a bad dude.
Speaker 3:One of the guys pulls back his mask and you just see it's like the flesh of his skull is exposed or the flesh has been ripped back. It's just skull on half of his face.
Speaker 4:He's like yeah, like yeah, tell me, how's it get better from this? I try to keep my composure but I'm just like hey brother, we can all work, but as I'm doing, I'm just vomiting. Oh, my god, you are. You are difficult to look at. I'm sorry you caught me off guard.
Speaker 2:We maybe you get some concealer yeah, I'll conceal it in a new reality all right back to the top, ekram, what would you like to do?
Speaker 1:how far am I away from the next ballista?
Speaker 3:uh, you would be able to probably get there in, uh, a dash action in a dash action.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so about 60 feet. What if I do? And just, uh, just to be 100% honest, the last time that I used my Fire Stride spell, I used it incorrectly. It adds I thought it was a dash forward with 20 feet of the fire. It's actually, it just adds 20 feet to my movement and adds that fire to my total movement. So it's better but sounds less cool.
Speaker 4:So I'm going to do that to get 50 feet. What you are is the delorean from back to the future yeah that's kind of how it is um.
Speaker 1:And then is there anybody in my way to get to the ballista?
Speaker 3:yeah, I'm gonna say you got some of these cultists here. Okay, cool, because that'd be just fun to set a cultist on fire. Well, yeah, that's a thing that I want recorded out in the universe.
Speaker 3:Yeah, well, I mean but as part of it, everybody that I walk by takes a d6 of fire damage and I do not, while this is active, take opportunity attacks okay so some of these cultists, um, like, still, their primary focus is going to be this dragon, like they that that's the threat, that's the thing that you guys are just kind of one, they probably they probably haven't most of the cases know you're there, but two, like, what threat are you actually? So you've got a couple of these guys that have peeled off to deal with. You. Go ahead and make me so you're just, it's just a D6, right.
Speaker 1:Anybody I pass within five feet of me takes a D6.
Speaker 3:Do they take a saving throw or anything?
Speaker 1:Nope, it can only happen to them once per turn, so I can't just keep entering their space. Yeah, but they will all take a D6.
Speaker 2:That would be wild, I'm not touching you.
Speaker 4:Can I voice one of the cultists? Yeah?
Speaker 2:Thank you, did we hit Pee Wee?
Speaker 1:Herman.
Speaker 3:That was a four. R, thank you, we hit peewee herman that was a four rip, all right, uh, so four fire damage to anybody I walked by on the way there.
Speaker 2:Okay, uh, cool, fantastic, uh, some of these guys are like oh spicy, oh, this feels like taco night at the colt did I run up their asshole.
Speaker 1:One guy was like one guy.
Speaker 4:Oh, I got into it one guy had worms so he was like doing the dog thing yeah, right uh.
Speaker 3:So yeah, you got some spicy cultists. They. You kind of leave them in the proverbial fiery dust. Um, all right, and was that a bonus action?
Speaker 1:uh, it is okay, since it's a, can I do a cantrip as my action? If I do a bonus action spell? Yep, okay, cool, I couldn't. I remembered you could the other way. But, um, and then it's just, you can only cast one level spell, a turn, gotcha. So then I will do a fire bolt on the person that is, I guess, in charge of the firing lever of the ballista. That's closest. Okay, go ahead and make your attack roll. That is a 18 to hit. Okay, that'll hit. And this is a firebolt. So this one for five damage, okay, and then my Hound of Ill Omen will take a bite action on him.
Speaker 3:Is it a bonus action to tell?
Speaker 1:it to attack. Basically, the way that it works is I summon it and I point to a target, or I telepathy say you can't go away until this is dead.
Speaker 3:Okay.
Speaker 1:And then it'll just attack a bite and a Okay Sounds good. Does a 15 hit, it will Okay. So and then it'll just attack. A bite and a Okay, sounds good, does a 15 hit.
Speaker 2:It will Okay, and then?
Speaker 1:it gets a bite Four piercing from the bite.
Speaker 3:Okay, all right, that guy's trying to shake it off, he's got his.
Speaker 1:Sorry. One last thing. Okay, that guy needs to make a DC strength saving throw of 13 or be knocked prone.
Speaker 3:All right, he makes that. Okay, all right, so that's going to be a legendary action from the dragon. He's going to go ahead and, yeah, that sounds fun. He just breaches out, uh kind of with his wings and uh, a light dusting of uh luminescence kind of falls over the area.
Speaker 1:I need you guys to make me dexterity saving throws oh shit, the bed on that one, that one baby couldn't have got any worse three on the dice, or six okay, you see, the three ballista crews light up with fairy fire.
Speaker 3:The beefy boys don't, mine, many of the cultists do, and then the spell casters don't, all right, uh. So that was your turn, ekram. That is going to make the cultists. They're just going to make just a handful of attacks against this thing. Um, we're going to go ahead and roll those damages, okay, all right, and then that is going to be those cultists. Then we've got beefy boys One miss, two miss, one hit, okay, okay. And then we, you guys, could have rolled a little less spread out on initiative, that would have been more entertaining.
Speaker 3:That would have been so much more entertaining. All right, the dragon is going to also just make a tail attack. He's gonna try to swipe at some of these cultists. Yeah, he takes out a handful of them. Uh, still more, pouring through these portals. Um, all right, that will go to this, to chester, chester. What do you want to do, bud?
Speaker 4:um, so how long does it take, like how long does it take them to reload the? It would take uh one action to reload okay, so it's not like I've disabled this as a uh and it's ballistas use a large cord these ones have a chain on them.
Speaker 3:Chain are you talking about. How do they reload them? Uh, yeah oh man, I should have googled, that you almost said that, like you've had it googled the whole time like oh man, I should have googled, that. Yeah, no oh, are you talking about how they uh cock this or pull back the string?
Speaker 4:yeah, it's a it's a massive crank no, the the string it's, so it's a string across of it well, it's like a big cord yeah okay, cool, that's one of them I'd like to uh, ooh, can I use my special, my special, uh, ghost mittens, my fucking cool tattoo hands, to like punch, like, slice, punch the thing I think a slice punch is a karate chop yeah, can I karate chop?
Speaker 3:canonically yeah you, I mean, you're in the fey wild. This is where your your tattoos came from. Yeah, you feel you feel them energized. Yeah, uh, go ahead. And I'm gonna just say, give me an arcana check to see if you can uh like juice yourself up a little bit.
Speaker 4:Yeah, is that arcana Hell? Yeah, because I'm good at the brain stuff. Negative one baby, but a nat 20 on the die, jesus.
Speaker 3:Remember when the armor kicked your ass.
Speaker 4:Because I was poisoned for his doing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we have fun on this pod we're, we know uh yeah, so I got a 19 on the arcana check okay, uh. So yeah, you, uh, you feel those tattoos. Uh, glow, you will be able to roll a, basically your surge on this attack, on this ballista awesome, so let's go ahead with a now, just so you know it has an ac of 90.
Speaker 4:Wow yeah it's pretty good, not even a hardness, just an ac. It's a real squiggly bitch. Um, sweet, I'm gonna go ahead and take my big swingy swing, uh 22. Okay, that's gonna hit nice, uh. And then what do you want damage on that, since it's uh go ahead and you're going to just roll your normal damage.
Speaker 3:Okay. Nine Pretty good, okay, and then roll your wild magic surge.
Speaker 4:Oh, I forgot to add my D6. So nine plus 11. Okay, and then my wild magic surge.
Speaker 3:Ten, okay, and then my wild magic surge 10 okay, let's see what we get on a 10 yeah, wild magic says, oh, all the ballistas in the area snap in half and everyone says your name and thinks you're real cool, okay you actually, uh, as you do this, from each one of your fingers, like as you cock back that hand to ready for a second punch, uh, basically a magical version of your fist just erupts out of that and uh you cast magic missile as a fifth level spell.
Speaker 2:All right I'm just I don't know what's happening. It's just going off. Oh no, uh yeah, this ballista is just so pretty uh, okay, gross.
Speaker 3:Uh, let me look at that. How many dice you get to roll get those d4s ready? I believe it's five. I think it's got to be more than that.
Speaker 1:So it's three for level one and a D4 for every level above that. Oh, is it Okay.
Speaker 3:So you get to add an extra four D4s to that.
Speaker 4:So it's a total of five.
Speaker 1:Seven buddy, it's four plus three 17 damage.
Speaker 4:Plus three, I believe 20 damage Plus three, I believe 20 damage.
Speaker 3:No, it would be one force damage 18 damage. That's right, Plus one for each missile though oh 24 damage. I like that. We just made him have to do a bunch of math.
Speaker 1:But it was pretty fast. We're helping him. Yeah, I know.
Speaker 3:It feels kind of like when your mom brought home flash cards during summer.
Speaker 4:Uh I've been, I've been training the off seasons I've been reading the phb and looking at times tables. All right, that was addition.
Speaker 3:Um, all right, yeah, you studied for the wrong exam. All right, these bolts of light just slam into this. This ballista is cracks. You've done enough damage to it that it's rendered effectively inoperable. In your head, you hear the voice of the dragon, this melodious, sonorous sound.
Speaker 2:Hello. Jester, God damn it I knew it how you doing buddy. Thanks for all your help.
Speaker 4:You guys couldn't see it. But just Cavan, as he's like the sonorous beautiful tones, he's just got a shit-eating grin just slowly crawling on his face.
Speaker 3:I just want my dragons to all be Ray Romano.
Speaker 2:Deborah yeah, my dragon parents Live next door. My brother's a cop.
Speaker 3:Gross Anyway.
Speaker 4:His brother, brad Garrett's character was a cop.
Speaker 3:Not in my version. Not in my fanfic. Ray.
Speaker 4:Romano Yowie. Hey, Tyson, what's Yowie? I read a Deadpool comic where it's like the two dudes smooch.
Speaker 3:Was that comic a Yowie itself?
Speaker 1:No, it was a reference it also didn't explain it, because I thought of like four things it could be from that description might be yeah. So what are we doing now?
Speaker 2:yeah, anyways no, uh, let's not examine this.
Speaker 3:All right, you broke that, uh, ballista. Um, these guys uh are just cranky boys at you right now. Uh, the real myth but that, but the dragon um hey, buddy, thank you for your help.
Speaker 2:Uh, but there's more pressing issues. Which one? What? What do I need to do? I need you. I need you to save my eggs.
Speaker 4:Where are they?
Speaker 3:You kind of lock eyes with this dragon. Go ahead and give me a perception, check.
Speaker 4:First of all, I'm very excited to be talking to you. It seems pretty cool of you to be Made of magic and life and what not? 21.
Speaker 3:Okay, you see its nest is kind of under it. It's been trying to shelter it.
Speaker 4:That's probably one of the things that's been keeping it from taking off into the air. Nice.
Speaker 3:Yeah, alright, anything else you want to do with your turn. You made your attacks. You have a second attack.
Speaker 4:I do have a second attack. I'd like to, just since I have the attack, just take a swing at a cultist. This one guy's just going to be like why me? Why just me? What did I do? Did I?
Speaker 2:also fuck your wife.
Speaker 1:No ticket I throw him off the Zeppelin. I think you need to talk to your wife.
Speaker 3:I mean you bang one cultist. Shame on him 19 to hit. Yeah, it definitely hits on him 19 to hit. Are you doing this?
Speaker 4:lethally this one yes. That's character growth. Well, we're in a very scary situation 13 total damage.
Speaker 3:Okay, you just pop him one and.
Speaker 4:Super Fae Punch.
Speaker 3:Roll me a d20.
Speaker 2:Three.
Speaker 3:Okay, nothing happens. All right, that will jump to the spell casters. All right, they again are just trying to ground this thing. You see some lightning bolts and fire bolts hurling up as well. Okay, and then saving throws for the dragon Fail, fail. All right, you guys got some d8s he's gonna burn, or this dragon's gonna burn. Their last legendary resistance to uh roll the d8s. You said uh, yeah, go ahead and roll me 8d6. Oh, you go for it, and then 8d6 again.
Speaker 4:I mean an app. You want 8D6?.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 4:Okay, 8D6.
Speaker 1:All ones Wow 27.
Speaker 4:Okay, I need 8D8s.
Speaker 3:Okay, okay.
Speaker 4:And 37.
Speaker 3:Okay, the dragon is looking hurt. Definitely, this fight protecting his eggs has definitely worn on it.
Speaker 4:Oh, I was hurt. No, I'm sorry. Yeah, I got eight and then six.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so 86 damage.
Speaker 4:No.
Speaker 3:All right, and then six, yeah, so 86 damage. Uh, all right. Um, it is going to uh get a legendary action on that turn again. Just taking a swipe, it's uh gonna actually just kind of dart forward and try to hit one of this group of uh spell casters and it crits good yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. So you were down to three groups of spellcasters. Just that tail slams down, just takes out a whole chunk of them. Go ahead, and both of you give me perception checks 12? 12? Okay 16.
Speaker 4:With a 16.
Speaker 3:Ch chester, you're closer to this and you also uh being aware of the eggs. You see uh some of the cultists trying to sneak from behind this dragon to uh get at those, because they realize that's like probably a leverage point for getting to it but I don't see it, you wouldn't okay
Speaker 4:yeah, I would like to free action, in case the dragon's still in my head be like behind you, the jerk coming for your dragon eggs, behind you, just thinking real hard about it all you get is uh, actually you know what, go ahead and I'm gonna say give me a arcana check to see if you can think hard. This has worked out so good in the past and I'm being serious, uh, 16.
Speaker 2:Well again uh, thanks, buddy, I'll take that under advisement alright, that was my spellcasters.
Speaker 3:The ballistas are gonna get to go. We have two remaining. Yeah, the one that's. They're dealing with your dog and you right now, so they're not exactly. Chester destroyed one yeah, there's four, so there's only.
Speaker 1:Oh, there was four, okay so.
Speaker 3:One hit, one miss. And then, chester, give me a dex saving throw for this dragon.
Speaker 4:Oh, just the d20 roll, yeah, okay, 12. Okay.
Speaker 3:You see, one of those ballista bolts smashes through its wing, blisterbolt smashes through its wing and the head of it pops out and sinks back in, dragging the dragon to the ground. Oh, so one wing is pinned. All right, that's going to be lair action. Everyone make me a wisdom saving throw. Everyone Make me a wisdom saving throw.
Speaker 2:Oh no.
Speaker 1:Alright, 17 on the dice, so that'll be an 18 for me 6 baby.
Speaker 3:Okay, ekrem, you see In the distance, like in front of you, between the dragon, in front of the dragon and behind the cultists, you see a shadowy figure and you recognize your shadow self and you just see he's grinning and just smiling at you. He's grinning and just smiling at you. In the back of your mind you hear him saying Anytime Ekrem.
Speaker 1:Just say the word and I'm there. Fuck this guy.
Speaker 4:I'd like to just haul ass towards those eggs.
Speaker 3:That's great. That's not your turn I thought you said Chester, sorry. Chester, yeah, it is Chester, you failed your saving throw.
Speaker 4:What's the thing Chester wants most in this world. Chester Probably to have like just retire into a nice little small village where he doesn, he doesn't own the inn, but like he, just, you know, like he owns the inn, just a small little inn, just a little quiet business with all his earnings and whatnot all right friends, loved ones basically, you are bombarded with just a cacophony of images of you running a bar, slammed in with images, images of you getting to enjoy pastries of various delicacies One time a nice soft pretzel.
Speaker 4:Which seems pretty good. All these things exist. That means existence is still going pretty strong.
Speaker 3:And then, every once in a while, it's intercut with just images of pain and agony. You see the number one killer dead at your feet. You see, uh, a disappointed father staring back at you and you're like how didn't he? That's not even my dad who was I'm.
Speaker 4:Why is he mad?
Speaker 2:at me, orville, why are you here?
Speaker 3:yeah, uh, but yeah, you're gonna have disadvantage on your ability checks until the top of the next round. Beans, yep, as you're just trying to shake out these images from your head. Um, all right, ekron, what would you like to do?
Speaker 1:well um the ballista that was successful on shooting the dragon am I within 50 feet of it, within 50 feet?
Speaker 3:of it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I will use my flame ability to get over there. Everyone that's around me will take the 1d6 fire damage. Okay.
Speaker 3:Which is 4. The guy that you sicked your dog on is like it's really bad Ow, and then he just dies of that little bit of fire damage. Yeah, this is fair um.
Speaker 1:And then I'll run over to that one and through anger I will activate my necrotic shroud, making everything within 10 feet of me frightened, unless they pass a 17 charisma saving throw all right, this is, uh, your ability as a fallen asemar.
Speaker 3:Yes, okay, what was the number?
Speaker 1:uh, sorry.
Speaker 3:14 charisma save all right. So, uh, you just that, almost, you almost become a doppelganger of that shadow self of you that you've seen. And uh, immediately the cultists break in panic. They run and scatter. Well, they will on their turn, but yeah, they all did real bad on that.
Speaker 1:Cool, good, yeah, so that takes care of another ballista. And then I don't necessarily know what I can do or if it'll have to be on my next turn to like get that ballista out. So it's not pinning it down, whether it's disconnecting the chain or something, yeah.
Speaker 3:If you're looking at you, probably if you found a way to sever that chain that would work right on All right, Then that's going to go. Some of these cultists. Let's see since all these portals are still up and opening. Um we had 30 to did we take out a portal? Yeah, I blistered the one oh no, you blistered spell casters oh, I was yeah, each portal has a spell caster keeping it open, but there's groups of spell casters that are casting spells.
Speaker 4:Okay, sorry, no, okay, sorry, no, it's okay I was aiming for the portal guy.
Speaker 3:It's use a. Oh, you took out a portal, okay, hopefully. Well, I got a couple more fireballs to roll then.
Speaker 2:Is that what you'd rather have? Yeah, Really.
Speaker 1:Well, yeah, what the fuck's coming out of the portal.
Speaker 3:All right, so go ahead. And since Tyson's a big old footy-dutty, go ahead and roll me just a d20 to see how many cultists have been added in.
Speaker 4:But I closed a portal to prevent that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but there's still more portals 18.
Speaker 4:I rolled good on that. Fucking great. Only a couple, okay, yeah, only a couple guys.
Speaker 3:Yeah, you feel like you want to take something back. You want to apologize to your DM? No, Okay, a stalactite falls on you, chester. Fine, all right. So some of these guys are going to make some attacks. Okay, not too much damage to speak of, all right. Then that's going to jump to the beefy boys and miss Miss that was almost a crit and a crit. That dragon is looking bloodied. Some of these rocks smash into it. It drops to the ground. The ground it's. It's some of the fight. Having gone out of it, you hear from behind you sound of massive wings, just a. And then you hear one.
Speaker 3:Hey Robert.
Speaker 4:Amp up those wings, make big wing noise.
Speaker 3:You hear? Ker-honk, ker-honk from the tunnel that you uh entered, this archfey of the realm, this massive goose bursts into the room. You just hear him.
Speaker 2:I can't remember what voice I did for this guy. Hey guys, it's me that sounds about right. Yeah, ker-hong-kong, remember, it's the Feywild. My voice changes. Yeah, hey, robert.
Speaker 4:Autotune. Oh my God, this goose is T-Pain.
Speaker 1:Why did you say it like you were commanding a Pokemon to do a move?
Speaker 3:What do you think, robert is?
Speaker 4:Kevin has him locked in a small area.
Speaker 3:I keep him in a hamster ball.
Speaker 2:You guys looking like you could use some help.
Speaker 4:Thank God you're here. I thought our goose was cooked.
Speaker 2:And he goes don't do, don't do puns.
Speaker 3:Okay, this is serious. I'm just kidding, Do it hey guys and he holds up a duck or a duck wing A goose wing. He holds up one wing and you just see a flight of smaller gooses, the flying V.
Speaker 1:Yeah, coming in flying V baby.
Speaker 3:Slamming into these cultists. So you have goose on cultist on dragon and you guys violence, and that's where we're going to end the session.
Speaker 4:Ah, hell yeah, All right. Hell yeah, got the backup from the. They were all going to end this session. Hell yeah, got the backup from. They were all taught by a drunk lawyer.
Speaker 3:Hell yeah, what the Mighty Ducks it was so weird that they're like you're community service for a DUI.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's right, I forgot about that part. Teach kids.
Speaker 4:What was the first pass on the script when they're like that's?
Speaker 3:Does he just want to give back to his community? No, no, he's got to have a reason to just be a real degenerate first, what if it's because he committed manslaughter?
Speaker 4:Oh God, no, go with a D-Y, much better.
Speaker 3:Alright, how you guys feeling. Feel like you're going to save a dragon. I'd like to. I was going to save a dragon, I'd like to.
Speaker 1:All right. I was going to do everything in my power to fuck up that last ballista.
Speaker 4:So all right, I'm going to save them eggs.
Speaker 3:Well guys, it was a fun session. Tyson, where can we find you? Where can we see you?
Speaker 4:Hey, you can find me at Tyson Cox Comedy on all the platforms and whatnot doing stand-up comedy and goofs and riffs and whatnot.
Speaker 1:Find me, follow me. My name is Tyler Waltz and you can find me at Nerd News.
Speaker 3:And I'm Cavan Eggleston. You can always find me at Cavan underscore egg on all the socials or CavanEgglestoncom. Bye.
Speaker 4:Hello everybody. It is me, the guy that gives information at the end of the episode. Tyson, thank you so much for listening. We appreciate it a ton. You have no idea how much it means to us that you're here listening to the very end of it.
Speaker 4:But a couple of quick announcements. We've got a lot of cool things going on. We've got a lot of cool things happening. We had a lot of fun at Gen Con, but we are going to be wrapping up this current podcast here soon-ish and then after that Tyler is going to give his hand at the wheel, as it were. Going to give his hand at the wheel, as it were.
Speaker 4:But you know, we also got our live shows. We got a rock and roll with those, always improving those. So October 4th we'll be at Planet of the Tapes in Louisville. October 10th we'll be at the White Rabbit Cabaret in Indianapolis, indiana. Then October 19th we will be in Commonwealth, which is essentially Cincinnati, ohio. So come on out, come say hi, check the shows out, check out our Patreon, check out our Patreon. We're always doing new things on that. We're adding stuff, we're doing stuff. And if you had a good time on this, tell a friend. Word of mouth is great and if you have a few minutes and access to the ability to leave reviews, you should do that. Leave a five-star review. Leave a five-star review. You can even comment that I look like butts or whatever, but it helps a ton. Thank you everybody. Thank you so much. We'll see you in two weeks.