How To Have BETTER Sex ft. Christel Arcucci | Ep 25

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In this week's episode:
» How to have better sex
» Getting comfortable in your body
» How to communicate what you want
» How to set boundaries around sex

In this episode, Christel shares how to have better sex in your life. We discuss how to get out of your head and into your body so you can enjoy sex more, discovering what you want, changing your relationship with your body, learning to love yourself and how to talk to a partner about your desires.

Christel Arcucci has 30+ years experience in the healing arts and personal development as a guide for spiritual women to experience a life of unapologetic sensual freedom and break free from society's unrealistic beauty standards. We redefine self-worth, embody personal power and unlock inner radiance, resulting in a vibrant appearance and energy with confidence and without the need for expensive treatments or drastic lifestyle changes.
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Themes: body image, sex, self-love, communication, setting boundaries 

Transcript

Welcome back everyone to the Becoming The One podcast. I have the amazing, the One and Only Christel Arcucci and she is here to talk to us all about how to have better sex.  Christel, say hi.

Hello, so happy to be here with you, Christina.

I'm so excited for this juicy conversation. So I'd love for you first to just share a little bit about yourself.

I have been working in the healing arts for over 30 years, and I started my own personal journey of healing and personal development when I was a child. And then when I became a teenager, I was like, oh, I can help other people with all of these things that I have learned personally. So, of course my work has evolved over many years, and the focus of it is really focusing on supporting women to embody soul purpose, to enjoy sensual freedom, and create wealth in her life without apology.

That is an amazing mission, and so let's jump right in. Let's talk about how do we have better sex because we all, we all want that, right? So where, where do we start with having better sex in our lives?

From my perspective and in my work, it starts with how comfortable a woman feels in her own skin. And the part of that that's gotten hijacked comes from our conditioning as, and I'm speaking from my perspective and my experience. I grew up in the us. I'm a woman, so I'm speaking about from that perspective and that that's the majority of the clients that I work with. And so we are conditioned as girls to be focused on how we look. Not necessarily how we feel, and that is the first thing to shift, to transform, to become comfortable in our own skin because it's a multi, multi-billion dollar industry per year to make women feel not good enough with all the skin creams, with all the diets, with all the latest fashion, and I'm not opposed to any of those things.

Except when it's coming from a place of making women feel more insecure. So we have to buy the latest thing or do the latest diet, or take the pill or whatever. Instead of coming from a place of deep connection of what skincare products do, I love that feel delicious on my skin, what outfits make me feel the most radiant?

Those are two totally different things, right? They're still purchasing products, but if it's coming from the dominant model out there of playing into women's insecurities, Yuck. So the first thing to me is supporting a woman to move out of the stories that we've been programmed to believe that we're not good enough or we're too much, and moving into our sensual bodies, giving ourselves permission to feel good in our own skin.

No matter what our shape is, no matter what our age is, no matter what has happened, can I land in my body, in my skin and feel good? And, and then the next part of that is really giving myself permission to let people see me feel good.

I love that. Something that was coming up for me when you were talking was around like shame. And how much shame that women feel around sex and like even just being like a sexual human being. Do you see that in your work with like the women you work with and, and I guess really in general, like not, you know, outside of sex, but

absolutely.

with your clients.

Yeah.

Yes, absolutely. And it comes from the dominant culture, which comes from one of the dominant religions in the US. And again, I'm speaking from a place, I mean, I have clients all over the world, but even the dominant religious perspective in the US is women are the cause of the fall of man. Whoa, wait a minute.

That's pretty radical. And so that being a huge driver in women's shame, then it's like there's no, there's nothing you can do to be allowed to be sensual unless you're willing to face that beast and be like, no, thanks. And, and reclaim our primal bodies, our sensual natures. From my perspective, God and the goddess both want us to enjoy being human.

That's the point. But the dominant models out there. Religious and even spiritual teachings are transcendent models. You are allowed to feel good when you get to heaven instead of the point is I have this amazing human body and this human experience to enjoy life. Not only the good things, but the devastation and the heartbreak and all of it.

And of course those are big things that I'm speaking about, right, like religious context, programming, you know, these are big aspects of it, yet it, it's important to address those shadows in order to support a woman in creating sensu freedom.

Yeah, you're so right. They are such big topics, but they really have influenced how we approach sex and, and dating and relationships and even marriage. How do you feel like the shame that we feel around sex and like being in our body impacts dating? And relationships. But let's Actually, let's start with dating first.

How do you feel like it impacts dating?

Again, as women, we've been conditioned to look for validation and approval from the outside. We've also been trained to give our power away to men that they somehow know better than us and they can give us permission to be sexual, but not too sexual. And only sexual in the ways that they want, which isn't coming from the inside out.

So the first thing is to recognize the ways that we have been trained to outsource our power, to outsource our sexuality, and to come back in to say, this is what I've been taught, but what do I want to believe? And to come to terms with that. You know, I'm not saying someone needs to re to leave their religion in order to have good sex, but part of it is recognize the beliefs that you have about your sexuality, about your body, about what you're allowed to do to heal the unconscious beliefs in order to be as free as possible in the life you want to live. And your experience of dating and sex. Right.

Yeah. It almost sounds like coming into a more like authentic version of yourself and really figuring out like what is it that you want and what you know turns you on and gets you excited. Versus the other person

Yes.

and starting there.

Yes. And keeping in mind that. That it's gonna be a process. It's not gonna be like, oh, I'm reclaiming my power and now I'm a fully sexually liberated woman. As nice as that sounds, it's a process and so to me the first thing is a woman discovering her desire and naming it and saying, I want to have a meaningful, sensual relationship with myself.

To allow myself to be a sexual woman in a way that I can fully embody and feel good about, and then to bring that into relationship with someone else. Because I think the problem that most women make is they, they're like, I'm gonna find my sexuality. While I'm dating or with my partner, he is gonna be the, and that's again, part of the programming.

So part of it is to be like, what is the experience that you want to have naming it? I wanna feel good in my skin. I wanna enjoy sex in whatever context that each woman creates, right? I don't think that there's a one size fits all, anything. So it's really a woman coming into her own desire for what she wants to experience, and giving herself permission for that, finding it in her own relationship with herself before engaging with someone else.

And this of work can of course be done even if you're in a long-term partnership, right? At any time you can be like, How do I feel in my own skin? How do I feel with my own sexuality? And that can be shifted no matter where you are in relationship, partnership, or not.

I see that so much with clients who are even in long-term relationships where we, we actually have to have that conversation of like, are you spending time with yourself rather than just with your partner and discovering what you really want? And I say to people too, that you can. Explore yourself and like make it a party, like make it good because the more you know yourself, then your partner is gonna be even more excited to join the party.

It's gonna make it even

Yes, absolutely. I so agree that if a woman doesn't know, which turns her on. There's no way she can communicate that to somebody else and it's part of the conditioning. Again, I think that we're raised this way to think that somebody else has the answers for us, but instead to be like, I know exactly what turns me on and I'm excited to ask my partner for it and to play in that instead of, you know, and shame is a big part to move through to be with, to be able to self-pleasure.

For that to be a practice. And there's so many SW small ways that I encourage women to do this. It's like washing your face, bathing, putting lotion on your skin, getting dressed, eating food. These are all sensual experiences, but most often they are not done in a self pleasuring type of way. They're not enjoyed.

They're like, okay, gotta get, get this done so that I can take the kids to school or do the thing or get to work or whatever. But it's making these small everyday actions essential practice because just jumping to, I'm gonna learn how to give myself an off the charts orgasm is a huge leap. If a woman is super dissociated and disconnected from her own body and doesn't even know what she likes,

That's so true. Yeah. It almost feels like when you were talking like this, like romanticized like, you know, version of you, like actually just like enjoying your body, like touching yourself, which sounds so funny to say, but it's true. Like how often do you actually like touch your body? You know, it, it's not very often.

yes. Touch your wi your body in a way that you are actually feeling it and you're doing it to feel good, right?

like being present in your body.

Yes. And so start with the small ways. Which is every day, self grooming, eating, drinking, those are all things that if you slow down, you move from doing to being, which is to me, the root cause of so much of why women are not feeling good and not getting what they want in life is that we're stuck in doing and we're not in the marriage of both of being and doing, really being in what I'm doing.

Yeah. So much of our time as women is spent in our heads instead of really connecting to ourselves in, in our

Yes, and also the to-do list, the endless to-do list of, I gotta do the laundry and I gotta sweep the floor and I gotta pick up the this and I gotta do that, huh? It makes me feel stressed. Just saying it like that.

Yeah. It makes us so disconnected in. To who we really are. It's almost like we lose touch with ourselves when we're just spending all this time in our head.

Yes, exactly. And so those basic practices of coming back into our being to me is the key to learning. Myself, learning my own body, learning my own desires, exploring what I like and what I enjoy in my own experience so that when I bring somebody else into the mix, I stay connected to me instead of the people pleasing caretaking that women often are really good at doing.

I love that. And I can't remember where I heard this. Oh, it was such a long time ago. But I remember someone saying like, you are responsible for your own orgasm. And I thought that was such a powerful thing to say. Cause they, and they were kind of talking about that, that like, you know, we were going into this experience with a partner like.

It is about like exploring yourself and knowing what you want, being able to ask for it and like, not that like you have to give yourself that, but just knowing that like you are also bringing something to the table to make this experience really good.

Right. I know my friends are always shocked when I say that I don't date men who aren't good lovers, and they're like, well, how do you know who's a good lover? And I'm like, This isn't common knowledge. It's so easy to to know that. But also part of it is I am very good at knowing what I want and asking for what I want.

And so to be really obvious about it, it's like, I don't have sex that I don't have multiple orgasms. Like it just doesn't happen. How many clients are like, they never orgasm or they rarely orgasm, and it's part of that is a woman knowing her own body, knowing what she wants, being willing to ask for what she wants, and being able to receive and enjoy what she wants, which all of those things are completely opposed to the conditioning.

Yeah. How do we go from being in our heads to our bodies? Like what are some more ways? Because what you're saying sounds amazing, and I know that a lot of people want to experience that, and I feel like that's what it's really about, is like just getting from your head into your body and being present in the moment to enjoy either like being with yourself or with your partner.

The main practices I encourage my clients to work on are breath movement. Sound and touch. Those are always available no matter where you are, but most of us are not breathing, especially when we're stressed. We're like really shallow breathing. Moving the body in central ways. Again, when we're only in our head, we hold so much tension and there's lack of movement, and it doesn't have to be some expressive, modern dance thing, you know, but simply like swaying or moving your hips or rolling your wrists or touching your own hair or doing the things you know you like to yourself and feeling them.

Sounding like if you're SM you're about to eat something that's delicious, would you let yourself go? Hmm. No. Most women won't because we've been conditioned to be good girls and be quiet and be seen and not heard, blah, blah, blah. All these things. So these simple practices of breath, movement, sound, and first self touch.

And then touching others from a deeply connected place. Those are the four core practices to start with. And again, doing them on a daily basis that are not n, not sexual at first. They can be depending upon where you are in your practice, but getting to the place of really enjoying being in your body and being able to move beyond the stories that are in our minds, right?

Like for me, Aging is part of the, the, the story that I am actively retraining my brain about, about how my skin is changing, about how my body is changing, about how the color of my hair is changing and noticing the story that culture tells me and being like, Hmm, no thanks. Right. It's like if somebody knocked at the door and was like, hi, I'd like to sell you misery in the forum of being feeling bad about aging.

And I'm like, no thanks. And I close the door and I go back to my own experience of what does aging feel like to me? What do I want my story to be? But that takes a high level of consciousness to recognize the beliefs, the stories, the conditioning, and to actively have clear boundaries with them to be like, no, thanks.

I don't want that version. I'm gonna create my own.

I love that so much. That's a huge thing that I work with clients on, is just changing the narrative. And it's funny because it seems so simple, but it's really true. Like if you just make the choice to be like, Nope, I'm not gonna accept that. Story or you know, this negative thought that's not supportive of you and change it to what you really want to believe.

It is actually life changing.

It is life changing, and it also moves us from a place of being only from the neck up only in the mind to an integrated place of mind, body, and heart, because it's like the mind is not bad, but if the mind is just running your life on an old story that you don't want. No thanks. Right. It's that practice of breathing, moving, sounding, excuse me.

Connecting with my heart, connecting with my body so that I am using my mind to consciously choose what I'm experiencing, what I'm creating, what stories I'm willing to believe or buy into.

Yes. As you were talking, I thought of a new thing. For you that I think you should start going by, because this sounds to me like you are the sensual mindfulness whisperer. Like it just, that's what it's like. It feels like mindfulness, but it's like so sensual and the way you describe it, I added the, the whisperer part, but that's what it feels like to me.

Just like this really sensual mindfulness.

I love that. Thank you for sharing that with me, and thank you for giving me that name for sure. I'm gonna take that with me.

You're so welcome. You're already here first,

Yes.

so how do we get comfortable in our bodies? Because I know that for a long time, for myself, I felt really uncomfortable with. Sharing my body, my body with a partner. And I know this comes up a lot for my clients where they're dating, they're, you know, getting with someone new and they're, and they're just getting into that in their relationship.

Or maybe they've even been in a long-term relationship and they're still feeling really uncomfortable in their body. How, what would you like, any advice you would give to those people? Like how do you get comfortable?

The first step of it is rec is doing what I would call shadow work is naming the stories, the beliefs that you are holding as true. Right. Like for me, going with the example I already gave, I am the story, the unconscious story am less valuable because my skin isn't as useful as it used to be. I look old.

I look, I am no longer valuable. Like these are all beliefs that like, Are huge in our culture. And so it could be about so many things. I had children and now my, my stomach is isn't as flat as it used to be. My hips are wider than I want them to be. I'm not thin enough, tall enough, dark enough, white enough, right?

Like there's, there's a bajillion of them. So picking one to say, what is the story that I am having a hard time releasing? Name it. Say it out loud. If you really wanna take this practice to the next level, say it out loud to yourself while you're looking in the mirror at yourself naked to to say the belief. Then say what you want to experience. I love the skin. That is wise and holding the wisdom of my ears and to look at myself and touch myself and breathe and speak this truth into my being. So it's different than affirmations in that affirmations from my experience. Often just repeat a phrase in the mind.

If it's mind only, it's not gonna shift the beliefs. So it's looking for that place of integration, mind, heart, and body. And it can be a struggle at first to look at yourself in the mirror and say these things and to look in the mirror and say, I love my body. Yet, if you're not there yet, don't say, I love this body.

I love my, my wrinkly skin. But to say I want to, I deeply want to feel how much I love and respect my life experience and the legacy that I'm living. And by saying in that way, and looking in my own eyes, looking in the mirror, often the first time practicing this, whether you have close on or close off, close off is more advanced.

But often, you know, if you're wanting to have a lover, to have a partner that you share your body with, the medicine is, can you be comfortable yours with yourself naked? Can you look at yourself and hear the stories? Blah, blah, blah. Mean girl stories that are in your brain and go no. Close the door and say no.

Have boundaries with those stories and say, I want to feel confident in my skin. I want to feel comfortable in my body. I want to love these breasts. I want to love my belly. I want to love the color of my hair. I want to love the wrinkles in my skin. And to be in that experience of integrated mind, heart, and body.

Mirror work is so powerful,

powerful.

and you're right, it is hard at first. It's something that I've done myself and I often assign to my clients, especially when they are struggling with The way that their body looks and how it's changing over time. And they do report to me. And as I experience that, it's really hard that first couple times you have to stand there and just look at yourself, but it gets way easier and you do become more comfortable.

And it's almost like. And it was like when I first started the podcast and I was listening to my voice and you know, I added all of my own episodes and so I had to hear myself for a long time, and that's really hard for people with their voice. A lot of people say that I don't like hearing myself talk, and I didn't at first, but it's almost like the more I listened to it, the more I started to love it because.

I had to like, it was there, right? Like I had to listen to it. It's the same thing I think with the mirror work, where you stand there and at first it's like, Ooh, I, I don't know about this. And then you just keep doing it and you just slowly start to love what you're seeing.

and it's making sure that if all you're hearing is the mean girl stories in your brain, you're only in your head. You're not experiencing your heart and end your body

Mirror work gets easier the more you practice. I do mirror work naked in front of the mirror, generally four times a day minimum twice. First thing in the morning, and now it's literally a dance party where I am doing all of the practice that I spoke about. I'm moving, I'm breathing, I'm sounding, I'm touching myself.

That is how I start and end every day. And then if I have time before and after my shower as well in the day. So that would be four times. Yet a minimum of two times a day, I am literally watching myself be in my body and loving on myself. And now it's like if I forget, which I rarely do, it's like I forgot to get dressed or something.

You know, like it's so clear that something is missing that's so important and vital to my own health as a woman and as a sensu sexual being.

That's amazing and so impressive that you're doing so much. It's funny because actually when I walk by mirrors, I've also now gotten in a routine where like I'll say something nice to myself and it really helps.

It does. It does. And like you said, the more you practice, the easier it gets. And we see mirrors so often, and unfortunately if you're not conscious, what happens is the mean girl shows up to say, Ugh, that outfit doesn't look good on you. Or You're having a bad hair day, or whatever. No. Have clear boundaries with a mean girl and learn to see what's beautiful, which is what is so interesting in one of the beautiful differences between men and women is women see what's not there in general, and men see what's there.

Which is something important to keep in mind if you are dating or in relationship with men, that we think they're looking at whatever is wrong about us. And most often they don't even see those things. They don't even register in their brains, and we can't imagine how that could be true.

My gosh. I love that you've said that because you're so right. We are always in our head about when we're, you know about to have sex with somebody or you know, whether it's new or even a partner we've been with and we're like, oh, they're noticing this thing about us, but they are not noticing. They are just there to enjoy you.

Exactly. Enjoy the central experience and, and it's like, I didn't shave my legs or whatever. The thing is, we feel like we wanna apologize instead of being present, being in our bodies. I. Breathing, moving, sounding, enjoying. That changes everything and the more you practice, the easier it is. Having sex, in my opinion, is a high stake situation if you haven't practiced these things in other areas.

It's like expecting to run a marathon off the couch, being like, I haven't trained, but I'm gonna do it. It's really challenging, so it's. Taking those everyday opportunities to change your relationship with yourself so that you are being in your sensual body. You are learning to enjoy your body. It's not saying you're not gonna have negative thoughts about yourself, but it's also not letting those voices run your life or ruin an experience that could be delightful.

Yeah, that's so true. I like that example about the marathon because you have to train.

Yes, exactly. Especially because our conditioning has taught us to be disconnected from our bodies and that we're not good enough. We're in all the ways.

Yeah, so now, or when we get to a place of figuring out what it is that we want, that we're more in touch with our bodies, how do we start communicating that with a partner, whether it's someone new or someone that we've been with.

Practice in the mirror. First of all, and part of it is you have to know what you want to ask for before you're like, I'm gonna be in this conversation and ask for what I want, and be like, oops, I don't even know what I want. So going back to the mirror and actually saying it out out loud, if some people are, if you're a journaler, Write it down, journal, do journaling practice about.

These are the things I really want to explore in my own sexuality. These are the things that I've wanted to ask my partner for but haven't had confidence to. These are the things that I didn't do in my last relationship that I really want to do differently in my next relationship. So it's getting clear on what those things are and then ranking them like the easiest to ask for.

Will you hold my hand? Pretty low stakes. Will you have sex with me in a certain location or, you know, a higher stakes thing? Don't start there. Like, start with, will you hold my hand? Will you pull my hair? Will you like these things that are like, take baby steps, right? Again, if you're training for a marathon, you're not gonna be like, all right, I'm gonna run 20 miles on the first thing.

It's like, pick the small thing. Can I sit on your lap? Can you hug me for two minutes straight? Can like asking for things that are lower stakes and that can also be things that are not sexual. Because again, it's like if you're gonna be like, I'm gonna ask for these things, I've never even admit to myself I wanted, it's gonna be much harder to do than to say, actually, I don't want pizza tonight.

I really want Thai food. That is part of the practice of moving out of people, pleaser. Caretaker into our own desire and asking for what we want and do it in the lower stakes thing. Although if you're newer to this practice, your brain is gonna be like Rattler red alert. Just be a people pleaser. Right.

Just go along with whatever he says. Especially early in dating and my perspective is, Be who you are from the start. Don't put on best behavior because it's not real. It's not who you really are. It's not the relationship you really want. And I wouldn't recommend doing what I do, which is go to the opposite extreme where I like turn on the fire hose and I'm like, you don't like that? Okay, great. Next. So be who you are. Ask for what you want in the small things, and then increase the challenge level from there.

I love that. I agree, and I would say even if you're single, to start in all the areas of your life, like to start using your voice and gain that confidence and asking for what you want.

Yes, exactly, and not apologizing. If something isn't a good match. There's currently 8 billion people on the planet and operating from a scarcity mindset of like, I've, I have to make it work with this guy. No, you don't. You are allowed to discover what you want, ask for what you want, enjoy what you want, receive what you want, and it starts from the very beginning of dating.

If you're on a dating app, something doesn't feel right. Don't let your people please or run the show.

Absolutely. Yeah, and just being like you said, like real about who you are and what you want, that sets up the relationship to have open communication and honesty from the beginning.

Yes. And I think that navigating conflict is the most important indicator of the health and length of a relationship. People are like, I want chemistry, I wanna have things in common. I wanna. Be connected, and I'm like, if you cannot navigate conflict with this person, you aren't gonna make it. And so being willing to ask for what you want and to have the person not wanna give it to you or that it creates a conflict, in my opinion, I would rather find out those misalignments early, sooner than later.

Then six or nine months in or a year into a relationship where then you're much more tangled. It's like being real from the beginning, being willing to be clear about your desires and trusting that you get to have the kind of relationship that you desire. Of course, you're a collaborator. We have to do the work on ourselves in order to be able to be met in that regard.

Yes, and sex is such an important part of a relationship and I do think that a lot of people almost like deprioritize it where they think, oh, like it's not where I want it to be. Like, I'll be okay. But then I see those couples coming into my office and you know, years down the road and that's what they wanna talk about because they never did.

I mean, I've had people who are together for. You know, 15 years come in and say, I've, we've never talked about sex.

Right, right. And the amount of people who are in sexless marriages or sexist relationships is, to me, is so sad, so sad. And so part of it is being so, being so honest about what you want, but then doing the work. To be in relationship with ourselves and our partner and the relationship, right? It's like, to me, relationships are three parts.

It's me, my partner, and the third part is the relationship itself. And especially when you bring kids into the mix, it gets even more difficult to pay attention to those things cuz the kids always seem to come first. Yet you can do that. Take time for yourself, take time for your partner, and. Feed, nourish the relationship and what you desire and know that it's gonna change.

It's, it's gonna change over time. Like there are times where I don't like myself, I'm like, get away from me. That's gonna be natural in a partnership as well, and knowing that that is part of it is having times of deep connection and also having times of. Separation and freedom, and I don't mean separation like we're moving out, but time of being alone or walking your own path for a little while, like that's part of it, of creating a healthy relationship.

It absolutely is. I love that you said that with the, the three relationships. I've never heard anyone else besides myself say that, but I I do often, because a lot of people think when they come into a relationship, it's almost like this enmeshment, right? Where they lose themselves in it. And I explain to them that it, there's three relationships here.

Like there is you and you have to prioritize that and the relationship and the other person. There's a lot. There's a lot going on here, and you are still your own person, and you have to prioritize yourself in order for this relationship to make it in the long haul.

Yes, and I think that that enmeshment or codependency, whatever you want to call it, is where people lose attraction, right? Because there isn't. I have my own life. You have your own life. We come together and co-create together by choice and not just from convenience. That's where people become, just become roommates, right?

We, I get disconnected from myself. I get disconnected from my partner, and then it's just going through the motions, which is disconnected from the central experience of my own life, of the potential, of the ongoing exploration and depth of. Personal development and embodied love that is possible in a long-term relationship.

Co-creating is the key that it really is a choice and you're coming together with this other person because things are not always going to be easy. You know, you're gonna go through hard things in life personally, and you know, if you have a family, the other person might be going through something, but it's a choice to show up every day and give and nourish the relationship and nourish yourself.

Yes. Yes. And that part is the biggest thing for women to remember, especially even more so for moms, is that fill your own cup, put your own oxygen mask on yourself. And I know that those things are talked about a lot, and the things that I encourage women to start with is bathing. Clothing yourself, feeding yourself because you do those things every single day.

So if you can make those practices deeply connected and enjoyable, then even if you're eating your sandwich while you're waiting to pick the kids up from the soccer practice, you're still actually integrated body, mind and heart instead of. You know, only neck up going through the motions of life and not enjoying it.

How can you enjoy the life that you're already having? How can you enjoy the body that you're in? How can you integrate mind, heart, and body into everything you do or as much as possible, even if you go from not being connected to your body, 99% of the day, if you move up to 10%, that's gonna be a big shift.

That's such a beautiful way to look at it and. For people to not feel like they have to change a lot of things in their life because I know at least when I'm overwhelmed, and I think it's true for a lot of people that like someone telling us something that we need to add feels like a lot, even if it's not.

And so just doing it already within your routine and the natural things that are happening feels doable.

Good, good. Because yes, going to the spawn and having a spa weekend, beautiful thing, but it's more powerful that you spend 10% of your day, even 5% of your day, really connecting to your body when you're dressing yourself, when you're getting ready for your day, when you're feeding yourself or drinking water, you are really doing those things is gonna change the core fabric of your life.

Which is gonna make when you go to the spa, that much more enjoyable. And I think people often put that kind of pressure on their sex life. Like, I have to get this, this experience of ecstasy during sex when I'm completely disconnected from my body and can't get out of my head to be able to have sex.

But if you have these daily practices of creating sensual wealth, then sex is gonna be that much more delicious.

Hmm. I agree with everything you're saying. It's so good. Okay. I wanna switch gears a little bit. I wanna talk about how to set boundaries within sex. I, I know that when we first start dating someone, it can feel like a little awkward or hard to like talk about this and set those boundaries. So what would you say are some good ways that people can do that?

Practice saying no to anything. And again, it's like may, how can you deescalate the intensity practice saying no when a friend calls and is just like, oh my gosh, I'm having a crisis with my partner. Can you talk right now? No, I can't. I love you. I'll call you tomorrow. You know, whatever the ways are. Learn to say no.

And if you can't imagine, I mean, part of it is our brains don't know the difference between real and imagined. So if you can't imagine doing that, then practice saying no in your head. Somebody asked you to do something yesterday, you said yes even though you didn't want to. Now you feel resentful, pretend, go back in your mind and say, how could I have been honest?

Said no. And actually say no, how you would want to. Then you can do the same thing in practicing saying no during sex. Let's use an example, a real life example that women often face in early dating. The man says, I don't have sex without a condom. No, that is not okay. I am not open to having sex without a condom.

If that is my truth, right? For me, if a man said that, you know, and we're talking like this is like the sleazy version of a man, right? Like, we're good men won't do this, but we, you know, depending upon your age, you probably have had this experience once, if not more than once of a man trying to convince you to have unprotected sex.

So, What do you say? Practice saying it when there's no stakes or, you know, what are the things that a man might ask me? You know, we've been on five dates, I feel like he's gonna ask me if I want to have sex. Now my answer is no. What do I want to say? I really enjoy getting to know you. I've enjoyed our dates so much.

I'm not ready for sex yet, so what can we explore instead?

I love that. And if they say, No, I wanna have sex. Then you know it's time to move on because they're not respecting you.

Exactly. Exactly. So part of it again, comes back to practicing sa, like even in what I just said, I didn't say no.

Hmm.

So because part of it, again, where you know, sex gets involved, then there can be some safety issues with somebody that you don't know very well. And so part of it is like have those conversations in a public place rather than in their bedroom.

Is of course a good plan, but that's another topic for another day. But it's practicing saying, this is what I enjoy and this is what I desire and I'm not ready for that.

Yeah, and it's like practicing the boundaries outside of sex first so that you can get comfortable saying them. When you are in that situation, and it's not just around sex, but like even in your life. Just like practicing that and learning how to set them so that when you are in the high stake situation, you feel confident in doing it.

Exactly, and it's again, as women, we're conditioned to be people pleasers, to say yes to everything, to overgive. So it's all those small ways and then to actually, it's like martial arts training is like, what would I say in that high stakes situation and actually practice saying it, looking in the mirror and practicing saying it, going back and imagining.

Oh, challenging or negative experience you've had in the past. Replay it in your mind and say, I wish I would say blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and to actually practice it because that creates new neural pathways in your brain. If you go back into those experiences and say what you would say now, it makes that available in your mind.

So if that ever happened again, You would be, it would be easier for you to say no or to say this is not okay, or to say whatever it is that you want in the moment.

Yes. That's such great advice to start doing that. And I think it really lends too into what you're saying or like connecting with your body because when you're more in tune with yourself and you've like deepened this awareness, With, you know, yourself and your body, that when you're in that position, you're gonna just feel more competent.

You know, because you're in tune. You're not in your head. There's not all this anxiety and, and overwhelm about the situation.

Right. And then creating whatever parameters in your own mind to also protect you from your own wounding. Right. Because that plays a, a role in especially early dating, is like, I am not gonna have sex with a man, or I'm not gonna go anyplace that is not public with a man in the first 10 days. Or whatever the number is that you know, no judgment, but choosing that and then managing that in yourself, because often there can be crazy off the hook chemistry with the wrong people.

Yes. That's anxiety. That's not chemistry.

Exactly, or that's like wounding shadow bond, you know, trauma bonding or whatever. That just is like, yeah, it's chemistry, but is that the kind of chemistry you wanna be? G diving into. So part of it is like setting whatever the parameters are for yourself so that there is a depth of real connection. And also say no to a man before you're naked in bed with him and see how he responds, right?

Like I am. Part of this comes natural to me. I'm not sure why I'm wired this way, but there are things that I do in early dating, dating, and in sexual relationships that come supernatural to me. Supernatural. It's not what it meant, but they come naturally to me that are like seeing what happens when I say to a man, when I say no to a man long before, it's a high stake situation because saying no, the first time I'm naked in bed with a man is a high stake situation.

This is so good. Yes. I love this. I love when you're talking about setting the boundaries within yourself before you even go on dates so that you know where your line is and. I really feel like having those and knowing your boundaries makes you so much more competent to actually say them because you know where the line is.

So even if you have that chemistry, like you're able to be more rational, right? And not get carried away by the emotions as much as if you didn't have them already set.

exactly. And then it's easier to recognize, like say for example, like, okay, I'm not gonna have sex with anybody. I haven't been dating seriously for three months. If that's my limit, if the man starts pressuring me at week 10, I'm out. Right. If I'm looking for a long-term partner and all of a sudden he's laying on a guilt trip and playing into the, I'm like, good to know I'd ra.

I'm exiting now. Thank you very much. So setting our internal markers without apology, and then being able to look at it from an objective place to say, is this the kind of experience I want to have in a long-term partnership? A man who overrides my desire and safety because he wants something. Is that what I wanted?

A partner? Mm, no.

No. That's so powerful. I agree. Yes. We have to think about that because sometimes emotions, you know, I, I've been there where they're just taking over and I have totally lost sight of that. Right, that like these are red flags and I see that with clients as well. Like when they're in those moments, it's like all the, the rational part of our brain is just completely turned off because we're so like into this person.

Like, you know, you said like, there's so much chemistry and it can really blind us to someone doing that, pressuring us into sex, not taking no for an answer. And if someone's not respecting your boundaries, that's a huge red flag.

A huge red flag for ourselves about ourselves as well. You know, that it's like if we keep going back, what is that saying about the healing we need to do to say, I deserve a healthy, secure partnership

Yes.

not codependency or. People pleasing or bending myself into what I think a man wants from me. I deserve to have a healthy, supportive, loving, sexual, sensual, right.

To give ourselves permission to want that, and then to do what's needed to create it.

We all deserve that

Yes, we do.

and we should all. Yeah, we should all have that. That's amazing. Well, thank you so much for coming on today. This has been such an amazing conversation, such a juicy conversation, and I think it's going to help a lot of people. Where can my followers find you at?

You can find me on social media, Christelle Arcucci. I'm sure you'll have in the show notes how to spell both of my names cuz neither one of them are easy. You can also check out my podcast, which is currently being rebranded called The Desire Sessions Podcast, so you can find me on all the podcasting platforms with that too.

I will definitely put everything in the show notes. Thank you so much for coming on today