The ONE Thing Destroying Your Love Life | Ep 26

FREEBIE: The Ultimate Dating App Guide to Attracting High-Quality Men

In this week's episode:
» The ONE Thing Destroying Your Love Life
» Sneaky signs you are lying to yourself and all the delusions you are falling into
» How lying to yourself is keeping you stuck
» How to stop lying to yourself, get radically honest and start living in a more authentic way

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Themes: self-love, communication, setting boundaries, authenticity, finding love, keeping love, self-deception , self-awareness, self-growth 

Transcript

Hi friends. Welcome back to becoming the one you're in for a juicy one today, because I'm going to talk about the most destructive thing that might be getting in the way of you finding love. And sabotaging your relationships. The one thing that is destroying your love life. Before we jumped inside. I wanted to let you know about something super exciting. And the podcast has been doing so well and it's been so much fun and I'm potentially just considering. 

Doing two episodes a week, potentially. We'll see what happens. But I really want to start doing some more Q and a episodes and really start them. Actually. I haven't done any of them, but I've been really excited. To start it. And so I created a form submission hotline thing where you can submit your questions and get them answered on the show. 

And so I'll link that in the description and I'll put it in every description moving forward, so you can always have access to it. And I'm really excited about this because I think it's going to be a super fun way to really connect with you guys and help you get your questions answered in a more specific way. 

And you can fill it out as many times as you want. And even if it's like a specific questions, you can get all of your questions answered by submitting that, and maybe it's even something like super specific or something's going on and you just want some thoughts on it. And you know what, I think you can go ahead and fill it out and I can't wait for you to fill out your submission. I can't wait to start these episodes. And if we get lots of submissions, I'll probably move to that two times a week because I want to make sure that. 

We are getting those answered. And again, it's just like super fun and I'm really excited about it. So make sure that you're following the show either on apple or Spotify and follow me on Instagram as well. So, you know, when your questions are going to be answered, I'll make sure to put like the topics that I'm going to answer into that. 

And. Yeah, go ahead and follow that. So, you know, when they are going to be coming out. So with that, let's get into the episode. So maybe you are meaning the sky. Maybe it's like a first date and you're really attracted to him the conversation. Super good. And you start to wonder if this is going somewhere. Maybe you like things he's saying you start to even. 

Like imagine what it could be like to be like him. Really hoping that it goes somewhere, but also equally you've made up your mind that it probably won't because he might not even like you, you don't even know. And most things haven't worked out anyway. So you're just like, Whatever. And you start to feel that maybe it's, it's not going to go anywhere and it's like this weird battle in your minds. I don't know if you've experienced that, but I certainly have,

maybe he has made it pretty clear that he doesn't want a serious relationship. You're not really sure. Based on the things he's saying, you might even be able to tell he might not be emotionally available. And he's a really cute though. 

And be able to use their minds all the time. Right. You know, if he was like, I don't want a serious relationship right now, you might be able to change his mind because

he will see how awesome you are, how amazing you are. And he might change. And then you start hooking up and hanging out more texting a lot. 

And he is saying that he wants them in casual and you say it's totally fine, because again, you think. Well, maybe you can turn it into something and you really like him. And he seems to really like you. You tell yourself that you're okay with it. You don't really want a relationship anyway, and you really enjoyed his company. So why not? 

There aren't any prospects anyways. So you're just going to go along with it for now. This my friends is you lying to yourself? And it is affecting your love life. And that's what we're going to be talking about today is lying to yourself. The most destructive thing you can do is lie to yourself. And so many people do this. 

All the time without even realizing that they are doing it. There are so many ways to lie in a relationship, but the only one that matters is when you lie to yourself because self deception is destructive. And it's harmful to yourself. And lying is really about getting what you want. It's about avoiding pain. It's about denial. the denial that you couldn't have something or that it wasn't what you wanted. And then you convince yourself that it was so that you don't feel so bad.

So it doesn't feel so awful. Or what you don't want and unpleasant, and you did what you thought you had to do, even if it was subconscious. And a lot of times it is a lot of times we don't even realize that we are lying to ourselves. We get so good at convincing ourselves of things. 

And a happy, healthy relationship and absolutely a relationship. That has a future requires people to be fully honest. And authentic and themselves. These two people in a relationship like you have to be that way. Right? And it's really hard to have a strong relationship when you're lying to yourself and it becomes a habit. 

And not just in romantic relationships, but the relationship with you have with yourself. It can become harmful. It's you can't have a strong relationship with yourself. If you're lying to yourself, that doesn't make sense. Right. And how can you trust yourself? Your decisions believe that you're fully worthy, even though you are, when you were being deceitful to yourself. 

It makes those other things really, really hard. And what you're doing is actually being a liar. And yes, I said that you are a liar. If you were lying to yourself, you are being a liar and you are being dishonest and you are not being your authentic self. And it's okay. No one likes to admit that they're a liar. I totally get it. It was very hard for me to admit that to myself when I realized that that's what I was doing. 

And it's really hard. Like we will go into full denial about it.

most importantly, when you are lying to yourself, it's keeping you from seeing the consequences of your behavior. 

And for moving forward and finding the love that you deserve and it keeps you stuck. Stuck in relationships that don't serve you stuck in situation. Ships stuck being single because you're lying to yourself, but all these people, right. It keeps you stuck. And research shows that we lie. We start lying to ourselves at two years old and it's actually part of our survival. 

And when I was thinking about that earlier, I was getting ready to record this episode. For some reason, I thought of like those frogs that camouflage themselves. Oh, man. That's so random. But they just like camouflage themselves. To fit in to like survive, you know, when there's an enemy and they like change colors. 

Kind of like a chameleon, right? But I don't know. I just thought about the frogs. For some reason, my mind went to the aquarium. And seeing those frogs, but anyway, that's basically what it's like, right? It really is part of our survival. And we do this because we want to avoid a pain. We don't want to feel unpleasant feelings, right. Nobody wants to feel that, but the impact of lying is significant. It chips away at your integrity. 

And you need to be in integrity and have integrity in a healthy, meaningful relationship. Whether that's romantic or with yourself. A really common lie that I used to tell myself is that I would pretend that I didn't know a relationship wasn't going to work out. I pretty much ignore my intuition and the feeling I was having. 

About a relationship and I just be like, it's okay, it's fine. Whatever. Like, we'll see where it goes. And then I ended up dating someone for way too long and I would hold on to things for way too long. I'd make excuses. I would rationalize. Rationalization. I hear this all the time from people and man, I was so good at it. We get so good at it and I would tell myself it was totally okay. And thinking back to one of my relationships, the one that I talk about often on the podcast, I knew for a long time, it wasn't going to work. 

I knew deep down that he wasn't going to change that this was not the man that I wanted to have a life with, have children with, but I loved him so much. And I just kept lying to myself that he would change and that things would be different. I lied to myself that love wasn't enough. And that if he really loved me and himself, he was stopped doing hurtful things. And if I was really honest with myself, I would have seen the fact that the relationship was having a serious negative impact on me by staying in it. And that this person was really not as great as I kept telling myself, at least in the context of a relationship, but I'm the one who stayed. 

I continued to lie to myself about it because it was hard. It felt hard to be honest. And I literally couldn't. I was so stuck. Because no one ever told me, Hey, you're lying to yourself. Right? And we literally just lie to ourselves constantly about all kinds of things in our life, whether that even be like a job or even a friendship, right. It like so many things. 

And it's always easier in hindsight, right? I'm always like, yeah, I can see it now when we're out of it. But if we can learn to not lie to ourselves, we can start to change. We can start to have a different experience. And some lies I often hear are that he has X, Y, or Z problem, and he is working on it and you're going to stick around until he figures it out because he's, he's working on it. And maybe even you're going to help him through it. Maybe even you're the one who's going to help them fix it, to solve his problems. 

Right. You. Many people get trapped in this. In relationships where they want to fix the other person and they seek out partners who need their help. And sometimes we were so blinded to this. But it's true. Or maybe he's even emotionally unavailable, but like he texts you. But he's just busy. You know, he's got things going on. We rationalize it. He has a busy job and he just keeps him really occupied. 

But he is interested except for the fact that he forgot to text you for two weeks at one time. No, or he's probably just scared of his feelings. He's probably just overwhelmed with how much he likes you. And he's just got a lot going on. And one of the other baby lies is that he's just a friend you used to work together. Maybe he's an ex. Maybe he's just a guy friend, but you don't think of that. You don't think of him that way, except for, you know, a few times, a few years ago. Maybe you lied to the guy you're saying that you don't actually want a relationship when you do.

Or maybe you tell him that you're super chill when you're actually not. And the biggest lie of all the biggest delusion that. I have seen in my experience with working with so, so many women and men on this is that he'll change. Or they will change. And. These are all lies. You are telling your self.

because first of all, friends are not people that you have had sex with, or you want to have sex with. And I know this is hard to hear, and I'm not saying that you can't be friends with an ex, but. Let's really focus in on this lie here. Okay. That this is not a friend. 

If you want to have sex with someone UNIV it's not that much. You are not friends. That's not a thing. You guys, I'm sorry. I'm sorry to tell you. It is not. I don't have sex with my friends. You don't have sex with your friends. You don't want to have sex with them. That's not a friend. Okay. And you can continue to lie to yourself, but I really encourage you to go deeper on this one. And also that in terms of the change, right. That someone will change. 

It's not that men can't change. It's other people can't change. People change every day. And sometimes they do. But you can't force them to, and it's only if they feel like it, it's only if they want to, you can not be the catalyst for change for them. They have to want to do it. And if they want to, they will put their energy into doing it. 

And they will take action and not just say they're going to do it right, because someone who is emotionally available and as wanting to move forward in a relationship. Their actions and their words will align. And you can't wait for them to do it. That's that's just not. Productive you guys. That's not going to get you what you want. 

Because you could be waiting forever and you can't force them to, you have to stop believing this lie that we tell ourselves when there is no action. And there is no change that is actually happening. And I'm not talking about like, You know, let me give an example. So when I was in that relationship, 

There was a point where I was like, okay, you really need to see a therapist. Right. And he told me that he would. And then two months go by still. Nothing had happened.

he finally like, started seeing someone. Right. But then it wasn't consistent. And then he was working with a therapist on doing, I don't know, like certain you know, like tools that, that the therapist was helping him with, but he wouldn't stick to them. 

And it was like little breadcrumbs of change. Right. And then all of a sudden it was like, oh, it's been nine months. And the change laws and happened. I haven't seen this improvement. That's lying to yourself, right? Holding onto these breadcrumbs, saying that someone's going to change when there actually is not full change happening. And it's not like overnight, like I'm not thinking I was going to change overnight. 

But we've got to see some big shifts here. Right. Especially if you are unhappy in the situation where it's impacting you. And to assume that they are going to change something big in their life, or even like their personality or values. That's a long waiting game and it's probably not ever going to happen. 

And I want to add here because I can imagine someone thinking about this and I know I was, as I was writing this, so I wanted to add it in that. I hear a lot that women talk about how men are liars. And how they lie all the time. And I'm going to be honest with you that most men and I would say people in general, but I'm, we're just going to talk about men. Here are not going to lie to you directly. 

Okay. They might beat around the Bush about certain topics and avoid topics. That's definitely a thing. But if you ask them directly and point blank about something, they're going to tell you the truth. And what they will do though, is let you lie to yourself. Right. They might let you tell yourself that. 

You know, you might be okay with casual sex and this situation, ship or friends with benefits or whatever it is. But. They're going to go along with it until it's not working. Right. He might let you believe that you are really into this type of situation when you're not. And they'll just let you believe it until it's not working anymore. That's fine. Right. But if you ask them point blank, if they want to be in a relationship with you or anything else along those lines, like they are going to tell you, they will tell you. 

And this is really about you lying to yourself though. And being honest with yourself about things and doing things that don't actually feel good for you. It always comes back to you. And when you're lying about yourself, you get so good at it. I mean, truly, I was like a master at this. If you were degrading me, I would have gotten an A-plus. 

And. It may be even like, and I know this was me. When you would talk, you talk to everybody about what's going on and your love life, and you share lots of things. Again, whether you're like dating you're single and dating or you're in a relationship either one. You share lots of things, but you conveniently leave out. 

Some details, maybe even a lot of details, you might skip over the fact that he drinks too much and then treats you like shit. Or maybe it's been six months and you're just frustrated because he still won't come into a relationship and you're continuing to see him. And even if you sell someone that you then rationalize it, and when someone says something to you about it, you then continue to rationalize and minimize.

And the thing. I know at least. Like in my experience is that, you know, I would high like parts of it. Right. Because it just fault. Maybe you can kind of like achy or not good to say. I don't know. It just didn't feel good. And we do this because we fear others, reactions and opinions and judgments. 

But honestly, what it's really about is we hide it most because of our fear about the truth. If we say it out loud, it becomes true. There's something about that. You know, it's so easy when it's just in her mind to like talk it away into the file of like, I don't want to deal with you or acknowledge you, but that's what it's about the truth that we already know that this person or this situation is not right for us.

And that we need to let it go. And that's really hard. And we lie because we have to, it keeps us safe. It also keeps us stuck though. And it keeps us. Probably unhappy. And unsatisfied. And maybe even miserable

And this is what's so funny about all of it is like, 

When we're in this situation, we make this thing that's not working or whatever, like the lie is, sounded so good to ourselves and to other people. That you even start to believe it. You literally persuade yourself of this. You rationalize it in your own mind. But deep down, you know, something is off and, you know, something isn't quite right. 

And that this is because you're lying to yourself about whatever's going on with this person in this situation. It's all just one big fat delusion that we wrap ourselves up in. And another common lie that I see over and over and over again is moving in together. 

I actually just had a conversation about this with a friend because there are so many people moving in without any sort of commitment, which is fine, but. 

It is important to take a closer look. And see if you are aligned to yourself and deceiving yourself about this. So let me explain. If you were wanting to move in with someone without, you know, The prospects of like getting married or maybe even like, he's like, yeah, let's just do like a trial run. See, see if it'll work. Right, right. 

If you're moving in with somebody and you're making this decision. And it's because deep down, you know, that this other person isn't fully committed. And you want to move things along that you were lying to yourself. And this is a hard one cause we get so good at lying to ourselves about this being like, no, I really liked them. It's time. Like he wants to move in and you know, I think it'd be really cool. Like really get honest with yourself up. True reason about why you're doing that. 

Because if that's the reason that your. Wanting to move things along because you want the commitments. That's something to think about. And I really encourage you dive deeper into this one because I see this one a lot and it's a big one. And many people believe that moving in, or even like spending all this time together will bring that commitment of like marriage or whatever.

It's that it'll be a result of moving in that you'll get that commitment. But that doesn't mean that you're going to get the commitment, the marriage or anything long-term moving in. Doesn't mean that, and you have to admit to yourself if this is what's going on, if you were fearful of someone not committing to you and maybe even like the realization does they aren't committed. 

You have to think about that. You have to consider it. You have to admit to yourself this lie. And actually in this situation, like, honestly, both people are really deceiving each other and lying about the commitment, because if you feel it, they probably feel it too. Right. And the truth is that usually we just don't want to hear this.

To the point that we are unwilling to hear the truth. That is so blatantly obvious, because it's hard. It is so hard sometimes to hear these things. And, you know, I know I'm in an experience where people have told me that. Or I've told a friend, Hey, maybe this is something to think about. And then it's like immediate defense, like rationalize, you know, or minimize the situation or like convincing yourself. But again, does getting honest with yourself about this. 

And another way that we lie to ourselves is by hanging on to a guy that we know that we don't want to be with. This is such a big one. And we can't be with them. Long-term we won't, we don't want to.

We're staying anyway because you know, maybe, maybe you never know, maybe you're stuck in, like, I'm not really sure.if you know that they are not the one that you went to be with and you're still staying with them, this is a lie.

we hang on because we don't want to let go. We fear that we won't find someone else. We fear that we will regret ending it, or maybe we're just with this person to get our needs met because we just want to feel loved.

It's so hard. And it's confusing. This is actually, I think one of the, one of the most confusing and difficult situations to be in, especially if you're in the place where you worry that you might regret ending it. But I do believe that if you can get really honest with yourselves, 

I, I think you already know. And I don't like the phrase, you know, and, you know, I think I just like perpetuates this idea that there's only one person for us, or there's going to be some like sign from the universe or God or something, some dove flying above to like, let us know that this is the one. And I just, I don't believe that I believe there are many people that we can be with. 

But. There is some truth to this in the sense that if you want to come into someone for your life, And you are choosing this person because you get to choose who your soulmate is and who that like forever soulmates going to be. It will be a whole body. Yes. And it will feel right. You will not have that gut feeling or like just something feeling like it isn't quite right or something off. 

Another situation that might happen is that we lie to ourselves about them actually waking up and eventually figuring out that we're the one we're waiting on them to let us know. Okay, you're the one I want to be with. And unfortunately, this is you lying to yourself as well. 

'cause I just tell you that he is never going to figure out that you're the one, because he already knows that you're not right. And we're not talking about this, like early on in our relationship, like two months in or something I'm talking about, like just in a relationship. Or maybe even this is like a friend or something, right. Where you were just waiting for them to realize this. They are not going to figure it out because they already know. And men know pretty early on with that. They see a long-term future with you. And I know that it's hard to hear and it's difficult to wake up to this, especially this one. 

To this lie that you've been feeding herself for so long about this person, where any of these lies, it's hard to wake up to it. And really it's a defense mechanism. Right. It's only, we want to be lying to ourselves, but we have to wake up to it. So if you hear yourself rationalizing and minimizing and justifying and denying someone's behavior, you can be pretty sure that there's something going on and that you're lying to yourself. 

And you can just hear when you're talking to people like a listen in for what you're staying. Because this is a place of self deception. And if you want to change this and stop lying to yourself, you first have to take responsibility for your thoughts. AKA those lies and your actions as a result of them.

And it's really important because stuff doesn't just happen. It doesn't just happen to us. 

there are plenty of red flags signs, warning signs, and we just don't want to believe it. We just don't want to see it. And the only anecdote to this, as you getting really honest with yourself and your potential partners, you have to learn to recognize when you're lying to yourself. 

And when you hear yourself doing that, rationalizing that minimizing, like justifying the denying you have to tune in and hear when you were making the excuses. You have to see this as a red flag in yourself. Of course, it's a red flag. You know, potentially what this other person and their relationship, but it's really been a red flag within you. 

Telling you that you need to wake up to this. And with a lot of these situations, if we are constantly having to lie to ourselves about it, the answer might just be simply walking away, which is not easy. I really do think that's one of the most difficult things to do is walk away from a situation, but it might be necessary and you have to let go in order to move forward. 

And if you do walk away from the relationship, you can't just fake it. And what I mean by that is that you can just lie to yourself about being over it and then actually be holding space in your heart, or like hoping they come back because that's not moving forward. That's literally just you then lying to yourself again.

And you can see now how these lies can easily build up, right? Like you cannot keep holding on to that. You have to let it go. And if you want to stop lying to yourself, give. Uber honest with yourself about what you want. You have to start understanding what you need from yourself, from your life and from your partner

the key is really about knowing yourself and developing yourself awareness. 

The more, you know, who you are and what you want. It's much less likely for you to convince yourself with these lies, like so much less likely, and just, you can even start with like, exploring things that you like, try new things, push yourself to do something you've never done set a goal and go for it. 

Push yourself and start there. And then the really important piece of this is that you need to go deeper with yourself. You need to discover more about the truth of who you are and you start taking off some of these masks that you've been wearing for so long. You need to think about past relationships. 

What are problems that have come up, or maybe things that have happened that have created strong, emotional reactions in you. And think about if there was anything, even from this podcast that I said that you felt a little bit, like, even like, maybe you didn't like what I said, or maybe you had a spark of like, Ooh, like, could that be true? And just start exploring. 

Like, do you think you're lying to yourself about something go deeper? You got to make this stuff conscious because for so long, you've been lying to yourself. And you've been doing a good job, a really good job, but keeping yourself in the dark in line

But lying to yourself keeps you stuck. And if you want to be unstuck and you have to start moving towards the truth. 

You need to start uncovering some of this pain. That's deep down there. That's keeping you. In this place. And it can be really painful and hard to start uncovering some of these things that you've been lying to yourself about and like going into these places and uncovering it and areas of yourself might be really painful to bring up, but that pain is temporary. 

lying this forever. And you have to take ownership and responsibility for your healing. And if you are in a relationship and you find yourself rationalizing and minimizing, and maybe you don't even know that you're doing it. But you're wanting your partner to change. I want you to ask yourself. 

If they never changed anything, not a single thing. Could you live with them exactly the way that they are for the rest of your life. And if the answer is no, then that's something to consider. Go deeper. Figure out what's keeping you stuck. How are you lying to yourself and ask yourself questions? Like, what am I not seeing? 

What is keeping me stuck. What do I need to know in order to move forward in my life? What am I lying to myself about in any area of your life journal about it, meditate on it. And even if you don't journal or meditate, like literally just leaning into these questions and asking yourself them, like, just asking your like, minds, like help bring them forward. 

It will bring the answers forward and you will have a deeper understanding of yourself. And be willing to find out what the answers are to these questions. We have to be open to it. And it might be hard to see, but it's totally worth it. And as you keep getting to know yourself and figuring out more about what you want. communicate that to a potential partner, be honest with them 

Let them see that authentic part of you. Let them know and be upfront about everything, what you're looking for and who you are. And you don't have to figure it all out. Like you don't have to have everything just figured out. It's a fine love. 

But there is a level of authenticity and integrity that you need in a long term relationship. And that includes you as a part of that relationship and you being authentic and. In integrity with yourself. And so the more that you can release these lies, get rid of them, let them go. And start knowing yourself, being honest with yourself.

And your partner, the better relationships you're going to have, the more meaningful relationships you're going to have. You're going to be able to find love and keep love. In a much more easy and deep way. That concludes today’s episode. I hope that was helpful for you. Make sure to share it with friends and tag me on Instagram. If you're listening, sending you so much love.