How To *ACTUALLY* Discover Your Authentic Self ft. Emily Fisher | Ep 28

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This episode is GOLD! I sat down with Emily, a mindset coach and CEO of Aligned CEO, to explore the transformative power of authenticity. Discover how embracing your genuine self can lead to a happier life and deeper relationships. We discuss the challenges of staying true to ourselves in a world filled with expectations and inauthenticity, and we share personal stories of our journey. Quit playing small, embrace who you really are and get empowered to create more fulfilling connections and joy filled life. 🎧 Hit play and let's dive in together!

In this week’s episode:
»How to discover your authentic self and become MAGNETIC
»Understanding how shame can hold us back from embracing our true selves
»Getting to a place of self-acceptance and vulnerability

Emily is a Master Mindset Coach and the CEO of Aligned CEO. She is certified in neuro-linguistic programming, EFT, meditation, and has completed more than 500 hours of mindfulness-based leadership training. Emily uses these skills to empower the collective through 1:1 coaching, live workshops, and online courses. The Aligned CEO is a vehicle for the empowerment, freedom, and joy that is available out of loving ourselves, connecting with one another, and rewriting the stories that have stopped us from achieving our biggest goals. You can learn more on Instagram @aligned_ceo and checking out our website: thealignedceo.com

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Transcript

0:35

Welcome back everyone to becoming the one I am here with Emily. Emily, say hi. Hi everyone. And Emily is a mindset coach and she's also the CEO of Aligned CEO. And I'm really happy she's here because she's going to talk to us all about authenticity. And so let's jump right in. Emily, why don't you share a little bit about yourself and we can jump into this conversation. Yeah, I'm so excited to be here. Authenticity is absolutely my jam. It's actually one of the reasons I started my business. I noticed that I've always had an interest in entrepreneurship. I'm a lifelong entrepreneur and I got so sick of seeing all this very inauthentic marketing and just kind of scammy, didn't feel good the way that people were marketing themselves and selling their products, but I also understood that there's a huge challenge with being our authentic selves. And showing up in a way that insults TEDx and create a business while also being true to who we are. So. That's where the Align CEO really came from was this strong desire to help people who have a passion based business, who want to make a difference in the world. And they're also very interested in doing that in like an authentic and ethical way. So this is a perfect topic for us to go over. I love that so much. When you were talking, I had this image of this was so long ago, maybe even like 10 years. But I remember when MLMs were really popular. And when you're saying that, I had this flashback to, I'm not going to name which one it was because I think we can all probably assume, but it's a fitness MLM and I just felt like that's exactly how things were like very fake, very inauthentic. Like it just. Yeah. It doesn't feel even good to like be on the receiving end of the marketing of that. Yeah. So you'll be able to get a kick out of this. For the longest time when I would get those cold messages from people in MLMs, I would just coach them. Like, as a part of it, I would just be like, okay, here's a better way for you to do this. I love that. Half of the people were like, oh, that's actually kind of helpful. Yeah. Cause yeah, it just feels like, I don't know. I can't imagine that that felt good for them either. I think they're just like doing their thing, but it didn't really feel authentic. So I agree. Yeah. I know. We're like, we all do the best with what we have. Right. And so like there's, there's a role for all of this and there's nothing wrong with having done things in authentically in the past. Which we can totally get into this episode because that's definitely a safer way for us to go through life. There's just a cost to that and like, it's how we know ourselves and a lot of the resulting connections that we get to have. So, it's, it's a perfect, it translates into our relationships, into our businesses, like it really applies to everything in life. Yeah, how we live our life in one area is how we live it in all of them. Absolutely. So what is authenticity? What does it even mean to be authentic? Definitely. Great question. So the way that I define authenticity is being true with what's true for you. That doesn't mean that you always have yourself figured out all the time, right? Like that, I think that that's something that people sometimes misunderstand is that I just know who I am and a hundred percent of the time that's who I am. I think what's more realistic is recognizing that there are days that I feel confused, that I feel overwhelmed, that I don't know what's true for me. And I can be honest with those moments as well. That's authenticity. It's being willing to be with whatever's true for us, and to kind of have a little bit of, I guess a mindfulness perspective of non-judgmentally, observing what's true for us, not reacting to it or feeling like we should be a different way than what we are. Yeah. How would you know if you weren't being authentic? Got the great question too. So where we can recognize inauthenticity in our lives, it could be a little sneaky. The easiest way is when you have patterns that you are unable to get out of, or that you feel like you have shame around. I would go ahead and say that like, shame is one of the big red flags for inauthenticity. It's where you're pretending something, you are trying to pretend like something isn't the case, and you have some kind of feeling around it. So, the way that we can recognize when we're being inauthentic is when we're putting a lot of energy or we're, we're stuck in patterns that aren't actually true to who we want to be or we're, we're shameful about something that actually is true for us. Hmm. Yeah, I, I can think of some times where I felt that way. Totally. It's a very natural thing. Like, again, no one's going to reach a state of a hundred percent authenticity all the time. Yeah. I think of it, for me, it feels like when I'm not in alignment. Then that's how I know I'm not being authentic and how I personally know that in, in my journey, it's been where I don't feel good, like I'm unhappy or like I'm frustrated or something like that. And it's just like a continuous feeling like that's how I know I'm not being authentic. an alignment or like my true authentic self. Absolutely. And that's a much simpler way to say that. I hadn't said that. That's a really good way to identify it. And, and sometimes it takes a while to catch on to that. Because we all have bad days where something just doesn't feel quite right. Yeah, to your point, it's if it goes on for, where you're like, this isn't me, it's not working. I feel frustrated. I feel stuck. Take a look at whether you're being honest with yourself. Yeah. How have you come to be this expert in authenticity? Tell us your story because it's super interesting. Super, another great question. So, I will say that my interest in it first began really in high school. I really struggled with my confidence in high school and I struggled with the idea of constantly wanting to be like somebody else. And what I realized was that that was like chasing my tail. I just never seemed to be able to like be, find happiness or find any sense of joy. And so that's in high school, I got really, really interested in confidence and personal development kind of in a lifelong journey, but that fell into the background when I went into college and I started focusing on what a more traditional path would be. So go to college, get a good job, make as much money as you can. That was kind of what was laid out for me. Well, within a few months of me graduating college, I had a near death experience and that near death experience instantly shifted everything for me. Everything. I mean. I didn't live my life before that, that it was a limited time thing. Like I just thought I had, you know, I built a career, I'd get a lot of money, then I would retire, and then I'd do whatever I wanted. And in that moment I realized that that was not the case. That was not assured. And so in that moment, I had a very clear perspective on what was actually important in life and a realization that what was important to me was being very honest about who I am. And for me, that's also leading other people and being honest about who they are, and recognizing that we're all human beings, like, no matter how messed up you think you are, or no matter how much of a disaster you, you know, you sometimes feel, that like, this is all part of the human experience, and the more we can each embrace that, The more we can connect with each other and, and make this a much more pleasant life to lead. I love that you said that because, you know, before this episode, for everyone listening, we were talking about how things, at least in my life, have felt really chaotic and the same for you for the past couple days. And it's like, I think we just get to a place where we start beating ourselves up about it. And I know that I have, I'm like, Oh, why is everything such a mess? Everything's just feeling so hard. And it's just really is is that human experience like that's normal like this is just like what being a human is absolutely what our brains are wild like that's the other thing that I don't think people recognize is we give a lot of credence to the things that happen in our mind like your thoughts. And honestly, there are a lot of times just trying to survive. Like our brain is just reacting to some odd thing. And so I think like once you're in this work for quite a while, you just really come to this place of compassion of like, man, I'm having a pretty stormy mental day, or like my thoughts are off the charts. It doesn't, it doesn't mean nearly as much as it used to before I started doing this work. Yes. That self compassion is so important. And once you realize that thoughts are just thoughts, you don't have to give them power. It's like, They don't really mean anything. Like, they're just there. They're just, there's the thought, you know. They're chilling. Yeah. Yeah. It doesn't have to mean anything, like, crazy. Absolutely. Well, and another, another kind of thing a wand moves to is I think after a while, like, I've gotten quicker and quicker at stopping the drama of my thoughts. I don't know if you know what I mean by that. Where it's like, sometimes it just, I go off and I'm just like, Oh my gosh, life is terrible and I'm going to quit my business. And like, you know, just like, it just is like so much comes up. And within like the emotional, the actual emotional experience, there's like, okay, there's a time period of that where it's like, let's just be with that. Like whatever, get it all out. But then a lot of times we let drama kind of draw out afterwards. And we're like, what does it mean that I'm thinking this? Like, what does it mean that I'm worrying about this? And I think I, the one skill that I really developed just within that authenticity is cutting out the drama and like not having it mean anything and saying like, well, let's take a look at like, what is true? Like some of that emotional experience probably is helpful or true. And a lot of it isn't. It's just drama. Yeah. I call it mind drama and it's the, it's the overthinking, it's the spiraling thoughts. It's even those intrusive thoughts that come in and I work with clients a lot about this, especially around. dating and their relationships where one thing will happen and then all of a sudden they make it mean a ton of things about them. And that's, it's really common, but it's also really, it's hurting you because it's taking you farther away from the truth and it's just literally what it is, mind drama. And we all know drama's not good. Yeah, well, and again, like, I think one thing that helped me is looking at, like, there's a benefit to doing that, right? Like, like we, there's a payoff for us buying into the drama because then it's like, oh, I really can't be in this relationship. I really can't do this business. Like I knew it, you know, and we get to be right and we get to be safe and we get to play small. Whereas like taking that, being authentic, taking accountability actually is difficult sometimes. And it means like. Do I want to be in this relationship? That's a choice I get to make. Like, do I want to run my business this way? That's a choice I have to make rather than being kind of at the mercy of our own thoughts. So yeah. Yeah. It's like the taking control of your own life versus being a victim to the mind drama and just like letting it run. And like you said, like, it's okay. Like. You know, I, I, so like just set it to the timer, you know, like let yourself just feel it for a few minutes, cut it off at some point, especially if it's mind drama. If, if you have no evidence of something, right? It's, it's just your mind racing and going with all the things. It doesn't mean anything. You gotta be like, okay, that's enough. Thank you drama. Appreciate you. But we're done. Yeah. For the longest time I had a sticky note that said I choose and like what that meant for me was like just checking in like, okay, am I choosing this? And then sometimes it's like, well, I do choose sadness. Like some, when you have real life stuff going, like sometimes I do choose sad, I choose to be sad right now. But then having that check in of like. Well, am I choosing to be sad or am I kind of just choosing to rest or choosing this? And then it like, again, it's bringing that power back to yourself of that being a choice you're making, not that you're a victim of whatever your brain is doing, because it's just doing its best to survive. Yes. And I was thinking too, with the authenticity, like how it's life. And one of the things that I can remember, and this was last year, this was, so it was pretty recent where I was just starting to get into the coaching and just, you know, about to start the podcast. And I remember that. I learned about human design and I don't know if you're familiar with it, but I, I love human design and I'm a generator. And there was someone who was talking and she was giving examples of the different like people that we would know, like celebrities and things who are different human designs. And I remember her saying, she's like, Tony Robbins, like he's a generator. And she said a couple other people. And I remember being like, there's no way. And this is actually before I knew I was a generator. And I was like, there's no way that I'm that. I could never do those kind of things. I don't know. This is, no, I'm probably this other thing, right? And it was funny because then I found out I was. And I was almost in denial of my authenticity, of who I really was. And then I don't remember what the, the like, you know, breakthrough or something in my brain about it. But then I had this realization that Actually, kind of personality is my personality, like, actually, yeah, like I meant and light up when I can share information with other people. And I then gave myself permission to be me. Like I feel like I don't know if you experienced that where you're like almost in denial of who you are. But that's how I felt. I was like, there's no way I could never, I think it was even before the podcast. I was like, there's no way I could have a podcast or people would want to listen to me and just all those kinds of stories we tell ourselves. And then once I was like, Oh, this is okay. Yeah, to me, like it was good. Like, I feel so much more in alignment with myself. Did you, have you had an experience like that? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. On like, I feel like I'm not even through the experience of it with human design. Because I'm a projector and I like reject nuts. I'm like, no, I don't want to wait for the invitation. And so like, I feel like I'm kind of halfway still through, but, but it, it is true though, that I love being invited. I love, I light up, I do better. I have more energy when someone asks me for help. Whereas like my biggest challenge in business, it's coming up with things to talk about coming up with, like, just from my own brain. Like, I'm not, I'm not great at that. I, if someone's like, I need this product or this help, I'm like, I will absolutely make that for you. So that's, it's, it's very true. And I'm still a little bit in denial. Yeah. Yeah. It's so funny how that is because yeah, I, and I'm, I was totally in denial of it, but when I realized that that was my. My gift and that I truly am lit up and that one of the things about generators is following the joy and when we're sharing our joy and, um, our message and like all that, we are totally in alignment, like we are our best selves and that's absolutely me, like when I can be, and it's kind of a random story, but one of the, one of the first experiences I had with this was bodybuilding competition, it was probably about 10 years ago and sure everyone listening is like, really? Yeah. I don't think I've ever shared that on the podcast before, but yeah, I did that competition and I remember being on stage and it was the most exhilarating experience of my life where I felt totally like me. And I had like rejected that part of me where it's almost like I was rejecting the part of me that was supposed to be seen by people. And so now I'm like, Oh, I'm supposed to be seen. Okay, cool. But I rejected it for so long. And it's hard to accept that this is who I really am. I would love to go into that a little bit more with your example, which is that like, so what do you think kept you from being seen in the past? You're like, what was in the way of that for you? That's such a great question. So I've done a lot of work around this. I'm still working on it. You guys, this is, it's a, it's a big thing because we're conditioned in certain ways, depending on our environments and how we grew up. And I remember when I was younger, very, very young, I think it was even in kindergarten. There were many people who would say that I talk too much. That, you know, I, um, I remember there was like a play that I did and I remember asking people like, Hey, how did it go? And like, everyone was like, I don't know. And I was just like, Oh, like, I guess it didn't matter. You know, it's so small, but it was stuff like that where I think I then, you know, created this meaning around, Oh, like maybe I'm not meant to be seen. Maybe I should hide in the background and like, maybe my voice really isn't important because I supposedly talked too much. You know, that was something they always wrote on my report card. And now look at me, I have a podcast where I get to talk as much as I want. And it's, it's just funny because yeah, like there were so many times where I feel like people continued that narrative for me. And so when I had that experience and it really was the first one where I was like, Oh, actually I feel like really good. I feel like the most authentic version of me. And now that I'm living that more, I feel that. That is such a perfect segue. Thank you for sharing that, first of all, and it perfectly illustrates, like, I think why it's so important to do this kind of work, because we do not have the freedom to be our authentic self when we have those stories and those meetings, like, running in the background, and we all know, like, We all know that the brain looks for evidence of what it already believes, like that is just how we're wired, right? We want to be right, we want to stay safe. And so especially in a moment like that, where it's like maybe a matter of your safety or your social approval to be like, to put, be a certain way. Then throughout life, your brain is going to be like, stay safe, like stay approvable. And so for like people listening, apply this to yourself, right? Like where in your life do you have a lack of freedom? Where you're not able to be authentic or you're really like, longing for something more. And then maybe it is looking back at those childhood experiences and saying like, well, what happened? And what did I make it mean? And is that actually what it means? Like that, that alone is such a powerful exercise that can create so much freedom in being your authentic self as an adult. Yeah. So let's say I've been sat actually about like, how do you start to discover your authenticity and who you really are and, and that core part of you? Yeah. It's going to be a little different for everyone because I think that some people are naturally more inclined, like they're a little bit more in touch with their authentic self. Other people have created more barriers to it in their mind, in my experience, especially if you've had like really traumatic experiences or you have had a situation where you really had to like abandon yourself for any reason. It's okay to start really slow. And maybe it's a matter of like, when you go out to eat, looking at what on the menu feel like just you're just drawn to like, like, start to listen a little bit more to even little things like that. And following your joy is a great example. I mean, you mentioned that for generators, but I think it's great advice for everyone really is like, pay attention to, to what brings you joy to what makes you happy to the things that you're like, Especially the unreasonable things that you're just like, I just want to go for spec writing. Like, I don't know why I, you know, I don't have whatever, like, I have no idea why, but that, that might be something that you're drawn to because it's not that big expression of yourself. And then on the more difficult side of that, I will also say that paying attention to where you want to say things or express yourself and you stop yourself. That is a really powerful practice for recognizing Where are you stopping yourself from speaking and quieting your own voice and over analyzing rather than trusting yourself to just be fully expressed in the world. Those are so good. I was definitely going to add the joy thing if you didn't say it. Because I actually think that's such a good one to just really pay attention. That's such a like great place to start is where do you feel the most joy and excitement in your life? Like, is it at work when someone asks you to do certain kinds of projects or is it when you travel, you know, like what really brings you that joy? And that is a huge indication to your authentic self. What about the willingness to be seen by people and to use your voice and share it? Like, if you are catching yourself not saying things, maybe in work settings or you're with friends, like, what about that willingness? How do you even get to a place where you're able to now express those things to others? So this actually segues perfectly from kind of a philosophy I have, where if you are not, if you're focused on surviving, you're not thriving. Because those are kind of two different operating systems. And so I think that where that really begins and like starting to express yourself is recognizing the moments where you want to say something, or it would be a true expression of yourself to say something or do something. And then some kind of fear pops up because that's going to be your survival system or survival mechanism. And if we don't bring awareness to that, if we don't check that, then we are just going to live a life of surviving and life again, of playing small and staying safe and doing things that. Get us by. And again, there's nothing wrong with living that way. Like if that's what you choose, that's totally fine. But there is that cost to it. And that cost to me is that fully expressed life that like very authentic by patients, just like energizing life. And to get to that place of thriving, look for those moments where you can start to, to, to just put yourself into a situation, whether that's like creative expression through art or. In your relationships, just having more of an opinion, even if it's a simple and saying like, Hey, I actually don't feel super confident expressing this, but I really want to say something like you can acknowledge all of that. And that can be so authentic for you. And it's a way to express vulnerability to others, which vulnerability is. Magnetic people are drawn to you. They feel closer to you when you are vulnerable because you are showing them that it's emotionally safe to do so. Absolutely. And that starts with N, too. Like, on that note, it's okay if anyone's listening and just does not feel, like, genuinely safe expressing themselves. I know that some people are there. It's okay if it starts with yourself, and if it's just being... Like being willing to look at the things that you've held shame around or being willing to even look at the things that you don't want to say, like, that is okay. As a starting place of being vulnerable and saying like, Oh, I really don't feel comfortable with the emotions I'm having right now, or a big one for me this year, which I am happy to speak about now is like examining my relationship with alcohol, like this year, I really had to have a very vulnerable and honest look at myself with like, Is this who I want to be? Is this, like, creating the life that I want to live? And that was a tough conversation to have, you know, even as long as I've been doing this. It was a really, like, it was something that I had to acknowledge, like, who do I want to be? What results do I want? Am I living in alignment with that? And sometimes it's like a no, so I have to make a different choice. I'm so happy that you brought that up because I feel like this, I don't know, for whatever reason, 2023, people have really been talking about being sober. I think it's been too. Yeah, I think it's a great conversation that's been happening and I think it's a great thing to examine when we're talking about authenticity is the just generally just the crutches in your life like to be honest, like alcohol can be a crutch for a lot of people, whether we think it's not because a lot of people are like, I'm not an alcoholic. I only drink on the weekends. But like, you need to look at that, you know, how much are you drinking? Is it affecting your life? You know, things like that. But it's more than alcohol. I mean, you could even say like shopping, TV, eating, working out, like all those things can be crutches. And it is important to do the inner work to examine your whole life as a whole. Like where am I when I asked people like, where are you avoiding, were you avoiding yourself? You know, I know for me, I had this. realization. It was, it's actually in the shower, hilariously, which is where I get a lot of my thoughts. I was showering one day sometime last year and I was working just so much like, like more than any human should be working in a week. And I had this thought and I just asked myself, I was like, what am I avoiding? And because I'm, cause you're working so much, like, what are you actually avoiding? I realized I was avoiding myself. I was avoiding my feelings and dealing with my relationship problems at the time. And I think that's true for a lot of things. You know, I, I've. I've dated someone who was, they put a lot of their time into golf, which golf was a great hobby, like totally support it, but it was getting to a point where it was an avoidance of themselves. And you gotta look at those things if you want to be authentic. And when we're talking about authenticity, I also, it brings me to like a lot of clients who will come to me and they say, I just wanna be happy. That's the first thing. If you ask anybody, I would bet 90, like 5% of the time. If you ask somebody who comes to us, whether it's in a coaching round, their therapy round, or probably like any like helping profession, the first thing people will say is I just want to be happy. And being happy is. only going to come with you moving towards being even more authentic. It's a lifelong journey. You're always changing. There's never, you're never going to reach a destination of being just like 100% authentic on this for the rest of my life. Like it's just a journey. But the closer and closer and closer you get, the happier you are going to feel. Because when you're not in alignment, it's like, that stuck, frustrated. You feel like shitty when you don't say that thing in a work meeting, when you really thought it and I have been there. And then you think about it and then actually goes back to the overthinking, you know, where you like create all these thoughts in your head and you spiral like, why didn't I say that? I should have said something. God, like. Now I have to do this thing that I don't even wanna do. You know? And it, it just creates so way more problems when we're farther away from who we really are. Oh man. Absolutely. There's so many things that you just said there, just gold that I don't, I, oh man. I could go off on all of them, but the one thing that like came for me is like, well, if you're not being authentic, then like, what are you being, and when you're, when you're looking at what that is, You're engaging with a lot of your fears. You're engaging with a lot of your escape mechanisms or your coping techniques. Like you're engaging with everything except who you actually are. And there's just no access to happiness from that. Like they're just, it just doesn't make sense. Right. And so that's something to really look at. It's like. You know, there's nothing wrong with shopping or putting golf, like you said, or doing any of these things, but like bringing you back to my own example of alcohol, it was that matter of like, what was I avoiding? And what I was avoiding was being with myself. Like you said, I think that's a very common thing to do. And by doing that, I was creating a pattern of abandoning myself because I had to, right? Like I had to not be with myself somehow. So I chose something that would allow me to do that. And that is like an abandonment. Recognizing that pattern, when I recognized that there was shame around it, guys, like the antidote to shame is sharing with people, because when I was in that shameful place, it was just all me in my head, and it was all this pattern, and it was like, it lived within me, where I'm getting away with something because people didn't know about it, versus sharing and being willing to say like, I really need help with this, or this isn't who I want to be, or whatever it is, like that antidote to shame is saying like, even just what's true for you, you will find it's true for other people. What? You are not the only one. Yeah, exactly. When you're sharing and you're being vulnerable, that is the opposite of shame. Because shame is when you don't want to share that part of you and you don't like that part of you. But when you share it, you start to now become more okay with that being a part of you. Because that's who you really are. And it's so crazy. This whole episode, you guys. Is like repeating so many things I was working with my coach on. So this is so fun, but we were talking about that actually yesterday because there are parts of me still where I don't even like them. There are things that have happened in the past and I don't think it's getting to a place of liking them. It's not like I have to like love that drama that happens. Like, no, that's not it. It's. Acceptance and it's just a neutrality towards this thing that is a part of you. So when you share it, which is why, you know, I think people even listen to my podcast, cause I share so much, you know, as a therapist and coach, like you don't hear this a lot from a therapist, at least in my opinion, I don't listen to any podcasts where therapists just share stuff like I do, you know, like this. And, like, it makes you feel human. You realize you're not alone, and you're not. Like, there's really nothing to be shameful about in life, but it's because we feel the shame, we keep it in, and we don't share, and then it's like, we feel so alone in that. When you share it, it's like, I don't even know. It just, it feels freeing, almost. It feels great. Like, let's go, like, I'm, I'm, I'm moving towards also, everyone, again, it's just a journey, like you're moving towards more and more of that authentic part of you and removing that shame and sharing that vulnerability with others. It's, it's just magical. And take the case too, that when you are in that place of accepting yourself, you can truly accept someone else and they can truly accept you. Because you're not, yeah, like, right, like, when we're engaging with that as a shameful, unacceptable, inhuman thing, it creates a disconnect. It creates a, we have secrets, or we're not good enough, or whatever, like, it has to create that disconnect. But the moment that you're like, yeah, I feel this, this, and this, or I've been through this, this, and this, and I'm still struggling with it. You're a human being going through life, having things happen to you, with you, and you're doing things that you, whatever, like all these things, but you can have that strong sense of connection with other human beings. You can do what needs to be done. You can engage with life in a very real way. Oh my God, that was so juicy. I love that. Yes. Yeah. I wanted to touch too on if, if, if you struggle with forgiveness, because like I've been through some traumas as well, and I understand that like from that place. It can be so hard to accept and forgive, like there's this sometimes a self defense I think of like, well, if I accept or forgive, then it could happen again or it makes it okay or like anything around that. And one thing that has really given my clients a good access on that is acknowledgement. Get to a place of that happened, that happened in the past. It is not happening right now. It's not necessarily going to happen in the future. Like, it's just being very honest, and again, like, you get to this place of honesty where you're not engaging with the stories about it, you're not engaging with the mind drama. It's not that you're not compassionate with yourself about all those things, that has nothing to do with it, but you can be honest and acknowledge what is actually true. I totally agree. Acknowledgement is a huge part of forgiveness, because we almost, like, dissociate. Or we almost like rationalize things that happen so they can feel so separate to us even though we know that they happen to us, you know, we're like, if we experience like a trauma, it was like, it's like, it's not mine, it's theirs, which is like true, like they are responsible for their actions, whatever the other person involved is or whatever happened can be a natural disaster, right? Storms fault or whatever, that's true, but we have to acknowledge that this impacted us, that this is a part of us, that we experienced it, and that is okay, because again, it's part of the human experience, and we don't have to accept that someone's actions were Okay. All right. Because most times that's not true, what they did was probably wrong and it was very hurtful and traumatic to us, but the forgiveness isn't for them. The forgiveness is for you because when you are holding on to that hurt, it's like creating or not the hurt, but the resentment. Towards this thing that happened in the, when you're not acknowledging it, that is resentment. Like it's, you're not acknowledging this as a part of you now. So when you can, it's forgiveness for yourself. It's forgiveness for this whole situation. And it makes being vulnerable in your authentic self so much easier. Because otherwise it's just like a bunch of crap holding you down. It's like, I don't know, imagine this like black like stickiness, you know? I don't know, I felt that feeling before. It's just like this black like, ugh, like tar almost. Where just that's what it feels like. Have you ever done NLP? Yeah, yeah, I'm trained in NLP. Oh, perfect. I was going to say, that's a very NLP kind of like work. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're talking about neurolinguistic programming. So yes, that's, I am trained in that and I utilize that with a lot of my clients and and that's, yeah, what it has felt like for me when I'm holding on to. Again, it's not even the hurt. It's the resentment. It's like, you know, screw them. I didn't want this to happen to me. Like, why did you do this to me? It's a very, like, victim mindset, which you're still a victim, you know, of things, but it's just that forgiveness of your, yourself. Yeah. And I think that that's like a, it's such a fun segue on this, on this podcast. I actually love this. Because one of the things that I think we do hold on to being a victim sometimes, And the dad steals our power and like, again, this is a very natural reaction because something it's like something can happen to you and you can have bad things as a result of it, but that doesn't mean that you're a victim of like an identity, right? Like, and again, if we're, if we get like really verbally accurate, it's like what happened happened. That you have the outcomes and the consequences that you have to deal with, and you do have to deal with those, that might not be fair, or whatever, but as an identity, you're not a victim, like, as an identity, you are who you are, you are, like, someone who is strong, you're an overcomer, like, you're someone who is capable, and it just happens to be that something happened to you. And like, I think with when we look outside of human beings, which I do a lot of times when we look at like what's the bad things happen to like animals, we don't necessarily look at the animal as like that's who they are for the rest of their life, like they don't carry that forward with them for the rest of their life. But with human beings, a lot of times we do and I think that's very harmful. And so, while there are things that we have to deal with sometimes, I do think that there's a lot of power in being able to recognize. That that's not who we are, and that those things, the important part of that is that that's not something that's going to happen in the future. That's something we have to be on guard for. So, let me give an example, because like I was saying, we're getting very conceptual here. But, like, an example is, if you had a bad past relationship, where, let's just say, like, in a heterosexual relationship, I'm a woman, if a man did something terrible to me, if I carry forward from that situation, some kind of meaning, like, well, I'm vulnerable, I can't trust men, whatever the story happens to be, like, men are horrible. Then I am going to be limiting myself in every single relationship that I try to get in from there on out. And in the back of my mind, there's going to be something. And it's not wrong that that thing is there, but we don't address it. We don't own it. So for me, I was cheated on early on in my relationships. With my current relationship, I will sometimes verbalize to my, my partner. Hey, I'm afraid that you're going to cheat on me. I don't have any evidence that that's the case. I don't believe that you're that kind of person. Can you just reassure me? Because that's how I'm, that's what I'm worried about right now. And like that level of ownership, it's not that I'm ignoring that I feel that way or that I'm worried about it, or that happened to me again, it's just owning that, like that did happen to me. I have feelings like from that sometimes still, I wish I didn't, that's one of this. And you, like, collaborate with me on that. Does that, does that all make sense? Oh, it totally makes sense. Yeah, I agree with everything you're saying. It doesn't mean that you have to be a victim to, right, it's, it's the language that you're using around things and how you, um, are perceiving and creating the narrative around certain situations that are happening to you. And I so appreciate you modeling what that sounds like because, again, we're not going to get to a place of perfection where you may never think that again. But the difference between what you said and what I think a lot of people go to is where, like, I'll be like, I shouldn't think that, no, like, nope, I shouldn't think that, like, and I just keep it in and it, like, festers. And then I start to, if I was in that situation, like I would maybe start to like, think more, and find evidence, and create all this stuff in my mind that's not even true, and then it comes out in some big explosion, versus I, I love how you shared it, because it's like, hey, I'm feeling this way, I'm not saying this is you, like I don't have any evidence, this is, you know, just something that's coming up, like, would you be able, can you, you know, reassure me, That, like, everything's good, you know, I think that's such a great way to express how you're feeling with a partner. Yeah, and it's just owning it too, like, and I actually want to make that really clear, like, you're not accusing them so they don't have to be defensive. Like, you're just owning it and saying, like, this happened to me in the past, like, I really don't think this is who you are. You know, and you can say, you can be really authentic with all of that and it creates a depth of relationship and again, like, that's another beautiful thing about authenticity is it just creates this depth of experience. Where you, you might have in your mind like, oh, no man is going to put up with that, right? Or like, no one, no one's, but really like my partner and I's communication has a depth to it that I have, haven't seen in other relationships and you know, and maybe it happens behind, I have no idea behind closed doors, but we can say anything like he has that same permission now with me, where if he has something just kind of wacky going on in his brain, then I'd be like, no, like let's own that, let's work through it together, but it creates such a strong partnership where I'm not keeping. Things from him or trying to play interference on like what I think he'll accept of me and what he won't accept of me. I'm kind of like, here I am, like, let's do this, or not, and that's fine, like, I'll find somebody else. I don't know. And just like being willing to, like, have that amount of acceptance of myself has allowed him to accept myself to that degree. Amazing. Yes. Well, what else would you say, or is there anything else that you would say can help someone to be more authentic in their life and move towards just a more authentic existence in the world? Yeah, absolutely. I, the last, the last thing I would really love to say about it, honestly, is not being afraid of your own thoughts. And that does take practice because I think a lot of times. We are so even in the, in your example of like, if you have a thought like that, why shouldn't feel that way? And then no kind of festers, any thought of us that we had that we're repressing gives it power because we're saying like, I can't deal with that thought. Like I can't even look at it. Whereas like, if we're just willing to be with those thoughts and, and examine them for ourselves as thoughts, like, again, not how they make us feel, not what they bring up, but just to examine them as thoughts. It gives us just this tremendous amount of access to who we are as a human being and the choices that we get to make about how we express ourselves in the world. So that, that's kind of my closing notes on it. This has been such a good conversation. I love this topic. I think it's so helpful because, you know, like as we move through the world, like, like I said, we all just want to be happier and we want to live an authentic existence. Like everyone just wants to be them. When we can start to move closer to that, we show up in our relationships and every relationship in our life, you know, not just romantic, but every relationship in such a different way. And we are able to create deeper connections with others, which is, again, like we all really want that. We all want to feel connection and closeness and it's, it's such a good way to. Also just deepen the relationship with yourself to know who you really are. 100%. And to have a good time with yourself. I mean, you know, like just, just get to a point of just, you're like, I'm not like, you know, like I do some wild stuff and I just love me. Like, oh my gosh, what a weird little person. So it gets to be really fun. It does get to be fun and when you can accept who you are, like, it just feels better. You just feel like more joyful. I'm just like that goofy person. Yeah, I love all these things. Well, best express, you know, I'm like totally, totally, yeah, you don't have to justify or explain or hide or anything. Like you just kind of, this is what it is. And the funniest thing too, is that like people will accept you if you accept yourself, like Like, it's the weirdest thing, because you might think that you have this unacceptable thing about you, and what I found is that you just own it. Nobody cares. Like, everyone's so worried about this. Nobody cares about you. Yes, and we're going to wrap up this episode, you guys, but I do want to say that it is so interesting, because when you think about who you actually really like, like celebrities or people you follow on social media, like think about why you like them, you know? And the answer is always because, at least in my experience, is always because there's something unique about them, right? Like I even think about models that we see who, you know, are like, Oh, they're so beautiful. They look a little closer. Like, Oh, like that girl has like a gap in her teeth. But God, like, she's so beautiful, you know? Or like, and my people tell me like, Yeah, I really love like Harry Styles. Why do you love Harry Styles? And I'm like, because he just does his thing. He doesn't care what people think, you know, he's just him. And that is so true. Like people are drawn to you are like a magnet. When you are just being you just be you. It's so great. Like you just love it. Perfect is boring. That just is boring. Yeah. Yes. We love people who are authentic, like you're drawn to. I mean, think about it, Beyonce. Why do we love her so much? Because she's just, she's so unique. She's just her, you know? It's just like a great example. Love, love the queen. Okay. Well, we're going to wrap up this episode. Thank you so much for being on today. Where can my audience find you at? Yeah. So best way to connect is on Instagram at aligned underscore CEO. You can also check out my website, the aligned CEO. com. Amazing. Well, I will link all of that in the show notes. Thank you again so much for being on today. So much fun. Thanks so much for having me.